Another story that was rejected from the book of Daniel for not being in Hebrew. A rich Babylonian man named Joacim marries a pretty woman named Susanna whose parents had raised her as Jewish. The Jews like this Joacim because he deals fairly with them.
The same year as the wedding, two men are appointed as judges. They spend a lot of time hanging at Joacim's place with the rest of the court. One day, everyone but the judges leaves around noon, and Susanna takes a turn around the garden. The judges are inflamed by lust for this hot young Jewess, and they feel so ashamed they can't even admit it to each other. Still, they come back day after day for the show. Finally, one says to the other that they should go home for lunch, and the other agrees, but they both circle around and try to sneak back in. When they meet again at the gate, they both admit to being in love with Susanna. They agree on a time to tell her how much they love her together.
On the appointed day, Susanna comes out to the garden as usual, but this time it's hot and she wants to take a bath. The men hide and watch. She sends her maids out on some errand and the two horndogs approach and ask her for a threesome. They point out that there are no witnesses and if she doesn't agree, they'll tell everyone she has a lover. Susanna sighs that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, but she'd really rather not have sex with a couple of olds, so she refuses. Everybody starts screaming and the slaves come running out and the old farts blab their false story about Susanna's fake lover.
The next day, some people are hanging out at Joacim's and the two troublemakers show up. They send for Susanna, who shows up with her entire clan, wearing a demure veil. They demand that she take off the veil, so she does, and she's so hot that everyone starts crying. The two old coots put their hands on her head and tell the baldfaced lie that they saw her with a lover the day before. No one asks why two perverts were hanging around in someone else's garden spying on his hot wife and her lover. Rather, they buy the story hook, line and sinker and condemn Susanna to death.
Susanna cries out to god, who actually listens, and sends down Daniel, who calls the crowd a bunch of assholes and points out the two codgers were lying. He separates them and asks them which tree the alleged assignation took place. And of course they say two different things, so the crowd cuts them in half. And Susanna's husband forgives her and they all lived happily ever after the servants cleaned the blood up.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Monday, April 21, 2014
Judith Chapters 8-10: Wow, a hot chick gets what she wants
Chapter 8
Finally, we meet Judith. We get a long genealogy, which includes the fact that one of her great-something grandfathers was called Ox. We also learned that she was married to Manasses, who died in the barley harvest, of heat stroke.
Judith has been a widow for 3 years and 4 months and then one day she puts a tent on her roof and a sackcloth under her mourning clothes and she sits up there and prays except on sabbath, new moons, and feasts. Despite this, she's very beautiful and rich, but everyone still likes her because she's pious. On what must be an off day for praying, she hears about the lack of water in Belulia and she calls the city leaders to her villa. She rebukes them for playing god and testing him with this whole siege thing. She advises them to pray, as they have been doing. The mayor, Ozias, praises her for being smart for a girl, and asks her to pray for rain. Judith has a counter-proposal: they should guard the gate, and she'll go out with her slave, and she'll bring god back in the next 5 days. Ozias agrees.
Chapter 9
Judith pours ashes on herself and takes off her mourning clothes to reveal the sackcloth, then heads down to the temple and shouts at god about all the evil shit he's allowed to happen, but still asks him to save them from the Assyrians.
Chapter 10
Judith goes home, takes a bath, puts on perfume, does her hair and puts on her old, non-mourning clothes and accessories. She hands her maid a bag of food and wine, and they head to the city gate. The council is waiting there and they all pop boners when they remember how hot she used to be before her husband died and she went nuts. She asks them to open the gate and they stare at her ass as she walks down the road to bring peace to the city.
When she gets to the first Assyrian guards, they manage to remember to ask her who she is and why she's on the road. She says she's from Belulia and is escaping the coming conquest. She promises them that if they take her to Holofernes, she'll tell him how to win the war. At this point, the men are overwhelmed by her hotness and agree to do as she bids. A hundred of them escort her to the tent. On the way, all the men hang out of their tent doors to check her out and speculate as to why their leaders hate the Israelites, given the hotness of their women.
Holofernes is in his tent on a bed meant for a twelve year old girl with terrible taste: purple and gold linens and covered in emeralds and hung with silver lamps. He's also taken in by Judith's hotness and is fooled when she throws herself on the ground and pretends to worship him.
Finally, we meet Judith. We get a long genealogy, which includes the fact that one of her great-something grandfathers was called Ox. We also learned that she was married to Manasses, who died in the barley harvest, of heat stroke.
Judith has been a widow for 3 years and 4 months and then one day she puts a tent on her roof and a sackcloth under her mourning clothes and she sits up there and prays except on sabbath, new moons, and feasts. Despite this, she's very beautiful and rich, but everyone still likes her because she's pious. On what must be an off day for praying, she hears about the lack of water in Belulia and she calls the city leaders to her villa. She rebukes them for playing god and testing him with this whole siege thing. She advises them to pray, as they have been doing. The mayor, Ozias, praises her for being smart for a girl, and asks her to pray for rain. Judith has a counter-proposal: they should guard the gate, and she'll go out with her slave, and she'll bring god back in the next 5 days. Ozias agrees.
Chapter 9
Judith pours ashes on herself and takes off her mourning clothes to reveal the sackcloth, then heads down to the temple and shouts at god about all the evil shit he's allowed to happen, but still asks him to save them from the Assyrians.
Chapter 10
Judith goes home, takes a bath, puts on perfume, does her hair and puts on her old, non-mourning clothes and accessories. She hands her maid a bag of food and wine, and they head to the city gate. The council is waiting there and they all pop boners when they remember how hot she used to be before her husband died and she went nuts. She asks them to open the gate and they stare at her ass as she walks down the road to bring peace to the city.
When she gets to the first Assyrian guards, they manage to remember to ask her who she is and why she's on the road. She says she's from Belulia and is escaping the coming conquest. She promises them that if they take her to Holofernes, she'll tell him how to win the war. At this point, the men are overwhelmed by her hotness and agree to do as she bids. A hundred of them escort her to the tent. On the way, all the men hang out of their tent doors to check her out and speculate as to why their leaders hate the Israelites, given the hotness of their women.
Holofernes is in his tent on a bed meant for a twelve year old girl with terrible taste: purple and gold linens and covered in emeralds and hung with silver lamps. He's also taken in by Judith's hotness and is fooled when she throws herself on the ground and pretends to worship him.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
1 Thessalonians, Chapters 1-5: Gentlemen, control your vessels
Chapter 1
Paul, Silvanius and Timothy all send love and kisses to the church they've established in Thessalonia. Also, they are so, so, glad they will be with them when the apocalypse happens.
Chapter 2
Paul reminds the Thessalonians about how he was abused in Phillipi, but still got it together to come to them and convert them through endless proselytizing. And now the Thessalonians themselves are also being abused, just like the Jews persecuted Jesus and have forbidden Paul & co. from hectoring people on the streets. Anyway, Paul promises to visit soon, but right now Satan's keeping him away.
Chapter 3
Paul thought the apocalypse was nigh and sent Timothy to make sure the Thessalonians were properly faithful, and he was so, so happy to find out they're good little apocalyptic believers. Godot-like, he promises to visit soon to iron out any small misunderstandings in their faith. Until then, he reminds them to be charitable.
Chapter 4
Paul reminds the Thessalonians of the rules he set out on his last visit, namely no fornicating and for god's sake, gentlemen, control your vessel in sanctification and honour (v. 4). Whether your vessel is your wife or your penis is a matter of interpretation and icky either way. Other rules: no stealing, no hatefulness, convert people, work hard and forget about dead people, because you'll see them in heaven.
Chapter 5
Nobody knows when doomsday will happen. But the believers will be prepared, whereas the unbelievers will feel the destruction like a woman's labour. Until then, no drinking, be nice to people, and pray.
I love it when entire books can be summarised in under an hour.
Paul, Silvanius and Timothy all send love and kisses to the church they've established in Thessalonia. Also, they are so, so, glad they will be with them when the apocalypse happens.
Chapter 2
Paul reminds the Thessalonians about how he was abused in Phillipi, but still got it together to come to them and convert them through endless proselytizing. And now the Thessalonians themselves are also being abused, just like the Jews persecuted Jesus and have forbidden Paul & co. from hectoring people on the streets. Anyway, Paul promises to visit soon, but right now Satan's keeping him away.
Chapter 3
Paul thought the apocalypse was nigh and sent Timothy to make sure the Thessalonians were properly faithful, and he was so, so happy to find out they're good little apocalyptic believers. Godot-like, he promises to visit soon to iron out any small misunderstandings in their faith. Until then, he reminds them to be charitable.
Chapter 4
Paul reminds the Thessalonians of the rules he set out on his last visit, namely no fornicating and for god's sake, gentlemen, control your vessel in sanctification and honour (v. 4). Whether your vessel is your wife or your penis is a matter of interpretation and icky either way. Other rules: no stealing, no hatefulness, convert people, work hard and forget about dead people, because you'll see them in heaven.
Chapter 5
Nobody knows when doomsday will happen. But the believers will be prepared, whereas the unbelievers will feel the destruction like a woman's labour. Until then, no drinking, be nice to people, and pray.
I love it when entire books can be summarised in under an hour.
Monday, October 22, 2012
1 Corinthians, Chapters 7 & 8: Biblical marriage rules
Chapter 7
Paul informs us that it's better not to have sex at all, but if you must, for god's sake don't fornicate and stay heterosexually monogamous. Also, you have to have sex unless it's prayer time, but then you have to do it again right away lest Satan tempt you. Amazingly, you can still choose the position yourself.
He would actually prefer it if we were all celibate like him, especially widows. But he realises it's quite hard to do, and after all, it is better to marry than to burn (v. 9).
On to divorce: women can leave their husbands, but if one does, she can't remarry anyone except the original version. And yet, no one is calling for us to enforce this particular bit of biblically-mandated claptrap, even though it's in the same chapter that would seem to preclude gay marriage or sister wives.
Mixed marriages: they're fine. The resulting spawn are christians. However, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, NBD.
Be content with your lot in life. Don't get uncircumcised if you are (Yes, it's a thing) and don't get circumcised if you aren't. If you're a slave, don't sweat it, but take your freedom if it comes available. Unbelievably, this will still be a thing in 2012 that multiple candidates for office will still be saying.
Virgins: god hasn't said much, but Paul has an opinion, which is that it is a good thing to be. If you're married, fine, stay that way, but if you aren't, stay that way, too. If you must, it's fine, but it will cause you a lot of heartache in life. Also, the world is ending soon.
Finally, he get's down to the brass tacks: being married makes you think of worldly things, like how to please your spouse, but staying single means you can focus on god. Hah! If a woman is getting on in years, it's fine to marry her, but better not to. And if her husband dies, she can't remarry anyone except a fellow christian.
Chapter 8
Knowledge is bad, charity is good. If you think you know something, you don't. If you love god, he'll love you. It's fine to eat animals sacrificed to other gods, but try not to do it in front of people of weak faith lest they sin. Being a vegetarian is also fine.
Paul informs us that it's better not to have sex at all, but if you must, for god's sake don't fornicate and stay heterosexually monogamous. Also, you have to have sex unless it's prayer time, but then you have to do it again right away lest Satan tempt you. Amazingly, you can still choose the position yourself.
He would actually prefer it if we were all celibate like him, especially widows. But he realises it's quite hard to do, and after all, it is better to marry than to burn (v. 9).
On to divorce: women can leave their husbands, but if one does, she can't remarry anyone except the original version. And yet, no one is calling for us to enforce this particular bit of biblically-mandated claptrap, even though it's in the same chapter that would seem to preclude gay marriage or sister wives.
Mixed marriages: they're fine. The resulting spawn are christians. However, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, NBD.
Be content with your lot in life. Don't get uncircumcised if you are (Yes, it's a thing) and don't get circumcised if you aren't. If you're a slave, don't sweat it, but take your freedom if it comes available. Unbelievably, this will still be a thing in 2012 that multiple candidates for office will still be saying.
Virgins: god hasn't said much, but Paul has an opinion, which is that it is a good thing to be. If you're married, fine, stay that way, but if you aren't, stay that way, too. If you must, it's fine, but it will cause you a lot of heartache in life. Also, the world is ending soon.
Finally, he get's down to the brass tacks: being married makes you think of worldly things, like how to please your spouse, but staying single means you can focus on god. Hah! If a woman is getting on in years, it's fine to marry her, but better not to. And if her husband dies, she can't remarry anyone except a fellow christian.
Chapter 8
Knowledge is bad, charity is good. If you think you know something, you don't. If you love god, he'll love you. It's fine to eat animals sacrificed to other gods, but try not to do it in front of people of weak faith lest they sin. Being a vegetarian is also fine.
Monday, October 15, 2012
1 Corinthians, Chapters 5 & 6: Sex-obsessed
Chapter 5
Things take a sharp turn for the quasi-incestuous as Paul addresses rumours of fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife. (v. 1) Not only that, according to Paul, they're proud to have a dude who banged one of his stepmothers amongst them. Naturally, he advises removing the creep so Satan can deal with him, because this kind of thing has a way of spreading.
Other people to avoid: regular fornicators, the covetous, extortioners, idolators, slanderers or drunkards. Fun people, in other words. You can't even eat with them, just leave them for god to judge.
Chapter 6
Don't take other believers to court, because some day believers will take over the world and then they'll have to administer it for themselves, so they might as well start learning now. Eventually, they'll even have the power to judge angels. He advises finding someone smart among the congregation and setting him up as the judge rather than turning to a court of non-believers.
Next, he lists all the people who won't be going to heaven: fornicators, idolators, adulterers, male prostitutes (though possibly just masturbators), homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, haters or swindlers. So basically, nobody's going to heaven. Apparently, some of them used to be some or all of those things. Paul admits that everything is permissible, but not everything is good for you. For once I agree with him, but that agreement is tempered by the fact that three verses ago he barred the entire LGTBQ community from heaven.
Even though one could argue that the flesh is made for sex, and sex for the flesh, Paul urges us to keep it in our pants, because our bodies are for god. So no visiting prostitutes, because that would be polluting Christ's flesh.
Did you know that if you have sex with a prostitute, you become one flesh? I knew that. I think Paul's a prude. He'd rather be one spirit (v. 17) with god.
Paul still isn't done obsessing about what you do in your bedroom. He instructs us to flee fornication, because it's a crime against your own body, while all the other sins are external. Also, your body is a temple for the holy spirit, and god bought you, so keep things in good shape for him.
Things take a sharp turn for the quasi-incestuous as Paul addresses rumours of fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife. (v. 1) Not only that, according to Paul, they're proud to have a dude who banged one of his stepmothers amongst them. Naturally, he advises removing the creep so Satan can deal with him, because this kind of thing has a way of spreading.
Other people to avoid: regular fornicators, the covetous, extortioners, idolators, slanderers or drunkards. Fun people, in other words. You can't even eat with them, just leave them for god to judge.
Chapter 6
Don't take other believers to court, because some day believers will take over the world and then they'll have to administer it for themselves, so they might as well start learning now. Eventually, they'll even have the power to judge angels. He advises finding someone smart among the congregation and setting him up as the judge rather than turning to a court of non-believers.
Next, he lists all the people who won't be going to heaven: fornicators, idolators, adulterers, male prostitutes (though possibly just masturbators), homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, haters or swindlers. So basically, nobody's going to heaven. Apparently, some of them used to be some or all of those things. Paul admits that everything is permissible, but not everything is good for you. For once I agree with him, but that agreement is tempered by the fact that three verses ago he barred the entire LGTBQ community from heaven.
Even though one could argue that the flesh is made for sex, and sex for the flesh, Paul urges us to keep it in our pants, because our bodies are for god. So no visiting prostitutes, because that would be polluting Christ's flesh.
Did you know that if you have sex with a prostitute, you become one flesh? I knew that. I think Paul's a prude. He'd rather be one spirit (v. 17) with god.
Paul still isn't done obsessing about what you do in your bedroom. He instructs us to flee fornication, because it's a crime against your own body, while all the other sins are external. Also, your body is a temple for the holy spirit, and god bought you, so keep things in good shape for him.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 1 & 2: Son of a whore!
Chapter 1
The things god puts his faithful followers through. He orders Hosea to take a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms (v. 2). Why? To prove a point to the Israelites, of course! So he takes a wife called Gomer, which was a boy's name somewhere else and on TV. Anyway, she has a son called Jezreel, which refers to something that happened back in Kings and means the house of Jehu will be avenged. I'm not interested enough to actually look it up.
Next Gomer has a daughter called Loruhamah, which means 'No Mercy' or 'Unloved.' Finally, she has another son called Loammi, or 'Not My People.' Way to set your kids up for future criminal charges there, god.
God does offer up some hope at the end, promising that even though he's breaking up with his people now, he'll take them back in future so they can take revenge for whatever happened at Jezreel. Okay, I looked it up: Queen Jezebel seizes some land illegally.
Chapter 2
Further ensuring future delinquency, Hosea tells his kids No Mercy and Not My People to tell their mother that she's not his wife and to stop cheating on him. He threatens to strip her naked and leave her to die of thirst in the desert. He's got plans for their siblings as well, namely not to have mercy on them.
He goes on and on in his trauma-counselling-inducing tirade, threatening to destroy all her possessions à la Ronny on Jersey Shore and to exile her to an isolated country estate. That actually sounds much better than being married to this guy.
The things god puts his faithful followers through. He orders Hosea to take a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms (v. 2). Why? To prove a point to the Israelites, of course! So he takes a wife called Gomer, which was a boy's name somewhere else and on TV. Anyway, she has a son called Jezreel, which refers to something that happened back in Kings and means the house of Jehu will be avenged. I'm not interested enough to actually look it up.
Next Gomer has a daughter called Loruhamah, which means 'No Mercy' or 'Unloved.' Finally, she has another son called Loammi, or 'Not My People.' Way to set your kids up for future criminal charges there, god.
God does offer up some hope at the end, promising that even though he's breaking up with his people now, he'll take them back in future so they can take revenge for whatever happened at Jezreel. Okay, I looked it up: Queen Jezebel seizes some land illegally.
Chapter 2
Further ensuring future delinquency, Hosea tells his kids No Mercy and Not My People to tell their mother that she's not his wife and to stop cheating on him. He threatens to strip her naked and leave her to die of thirst in the desert. He's got plans for their siblings as well, namely not to have mercy on them.
He goes on and on in his trauma-counselling-inducing tirade, threatening to destroy all her possessions à la Ronny on Jersey Shore and to exile her to an isolated country estate. That actually sounds much better than being married to this guy.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Daniel, Chapters 7-9: Daniel's Bad Trip
Chapter 7
Daniel has a dream about sea monsters with horns making war against saints until a saviour comes along and turns the tide decisively in the saints' favour, at which point a bunch of kings will come along and fight each other, until one prevails. Then he'll start a new, everlasting kingdom. Jerry Falwell just about creams his pants over this chapter, devoting nearly a page of footnotes to explaining how this chapter predicts Jesus and Revelations and End Times and the Antichrist and the Rapture and all that awesome stuff lunatics like him look forward to.
Chapter 8
Daniel has another dream, this time about a goat and a ram that fight. He doesn't get it, so an angel comes along to explain: the goat is Medo-Persia and the ram is Greece. They'll fight and eventually one ruler will prevail. Jerry continues to spin a wild-eyed story about temple schedules and the Antichrist, because he doesn't understand that if you write a second book to conveniently fit all the prophecies in your first book, that doesn't prove anything except that you read the first book.
Chapter 9
Daniel prays to god to forgive his people and let them go back to Jerusalem. Eventually a man, or possibly an archangel named Gabriel comes along and says fine, you can have Jerusalem back in 70 weeks, at which point a prince will come along and help them rebuild it. But then it'll be destroyed again in a war, and then there's a confusing bit about sacrifices and desolation. Meanwhile, Jerry's orgasm, which has been building for 3 chapters now, finally explodes into a full PAGE of commentary about how the Hebrew word for 'week' can represent up to 7 years as long as they're prophetical years and not solar years, and therefore when Jesus is killed exactly 483 years to the day (April 3, AD 33) later, it all fits perfectly. Provided you use 30 day months and skip ahead to the Book of Revelation.
Daniel has a dream about sea monsters with horns making war against saints until a saviour comes along and turns the tide decisively in the saints' favour, at which point a bunch of kings will come along and fight each other, until one prevails. Then he'll start a new, everlasting kingdom. Jerry Falwell just about creams his pants over this chapter, devoting nearly a page of footnotes to explaining how this chapter predicts Jesus and Revelations and End Times and the Antichrist and the Rapture and all that awesome stuff lunatics like him look forward to.
Chapter 8
Daniel has another dream, this time about a goat and a ram that fight. He doesn't get it, so an angel comes along to explain: the goat is Medo-Persia and the ram is Greece. They'll fight and eventually one ruler will prevail. Jerry continues to spin a wild-eyed story about temple schedules and the Antichrist, because he doesn't understand that if you write a second book to conveniently fit all the prophecies in your first book, that doesn't prove anything except that you read the first book.
Chapter 9
Daniel prays to god to forgive his people and let them go back to Jerusalem. Eventually a man, or possibly an archangel named Gabriel comes along and says fine, you can have Jerusalem back in 70 weeks, at which point a prince will come along and help them rebuild it. But then it'll be destroyed again in a war, and then there's a confusing bit about sacrifices and desolation. Meanwhile, Jerry's orgasm, which has been building for 3 chapters now, finally explodes into a full PAGE of commentary about how the Hebrew word for 'week' can represent up to 7 years as long as they're prophetical years and not solar years, and therefore when Jesus is killed exactly 483 years to the day (April 3, AD 33) later, it all fits perfectly. Provided you use 30 day months and skip ahead to the Book of Revelation.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Proverbs, Chapter 7: Solomon's fuck list
So Solomon wants to tell us 'a story' that he 'observed through the palace window' and that didn't at all happen to him last night on his way home from the bar and because he's the king.
So, a naive young man, let's call him Sholomon, was walking down the street late at night, totally sober and not at all thinking about getting laid because his 700 wives aren't getting any younger. A young, married woman was standing in the shadows, dressed in her best hooker costume. Now, this young woman is, shall we say, a chav: she's loud, refuses to stay inside, and hangs out on the street corner, hoping to attract men, despite her married status. As Sholomon passes by, she grabs him, kisses him, and says she has something to tell him. Oh, and does he want to see her new bed coverings? Egyptian cotton! 500 thread count! Also, she wants him to check out her new perfume, a combination of myrrh, cinnamon and aloe. At least it isn't vanilla. 15 years on, for the life of me, I still don't understand why women want to smell like a goddamned plate of cookies.
Finally, she gets to her real point: Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves. For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey (v. 18-19). Because she's willing, and Sholomon has a demonstrable weakness of the flesh, he goes, but he regrets it in the morning, saying, Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death (v. 27). Aw, does the guy with 300 concubines feel used like a tissue?
So now we know how Solomon got at least one of his wives, and if it happens to be rather creepily similar to his own origin story, well, so be it.
So, a naive young man, let's call him Sholomon, was walking down the street late at night, totally sober and not at all thinking about getting laid because his 700 wives aren't getting any younger. A young, married woman was standing in the shadows, dressed in her best hooker costume. Now, this young woman is, shall we say, a chav: she's loud, refuses to stay inside, and hangs out on the street corner, hoping to attract men, despite her married status. As Sholomon passes by, she grabs him, kisses him, and says she has something to tell him. Oh, and does he want to see her new bed coverings? Egyptian cotton! 500 thread count! Also, she wants him to check out her new perfume, a combination of myrrh, cinnamon and aloe. At least it isn't vanilla. 15 years on, for the life of me, I still don't understand why women want to smell like a goddamned plate of cookies.
Finally, she gets to her real point: Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves. For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey (v. 18-19). Because she's willing, and Sholomon has a demonstrable weakness of the flesh, he goes, but he regrets it in the morning, saying, Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death (v. 27). Aw, does the guy with 300 concubines feel used like a tissue?
So now we know how Solomon got at least one of his wives, and if it happens to be rather creepily similar to his own origin story, well, so be it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Proverbs, Chapters 4 & 5: Geez, if even Solomon's calling you slutty...
Chapter 4
Solomon informs us that only his mother loved him, which may explain the 1000+ sex partners. He then waxes on some more about how important wisdom and instruction are, and that wickedness is to be avoided. Apparently wicked people can only sleep after they've done evil.
At the end of the chapter, he tells us to speak plainly and honestly, to look neither left nor right, and to keep our eyes on our own paths. Makes one wonder how he ever saw so many women or came to build a bigger house than god's, complete with its own elevated gold bathtub, if he's so humble and modest.
Chapter 5
Back to Solomon's second favourite theme: the treachery of women, especially foreign ones. If you go into their houses, they'll take all your money and you'll die, alone and broke. Also god doesn't like it. So what you should do is love your first wife forever, which I would be all in favour of if the author DIDN'T HAVE 700 WIVES.
Solomon informs us that only his mother loved him, which may explain the 1000+ sex partners. He then waxes on some more about how important wisdom and instruction are, and that wickedness is to be avoided. Apparently wicked people can only sleep after they've done evil.
At the end of the chapter, he tells us to speak plainly and honestly, to look neither left nor right, and to keep our eyes on our own paths. Makes one wonder how he ever saw so many women or came to build a bigger house than god's, complete with its own elevated gold bathtub, if he's so humble and modest.
Chapter 5
Back to Solomon's second favourite theme: the treachery of women, especially foreign ones. If you go into their houses, they'll take all your money and you'll die, alone and broke. Also god doesn't like it. So what you should do is love your first wife forever, which I would be all in favour of if the author DIDN'T HAVE 700 WIVES.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Proverbs, Chapters 2-3: Hansel and Gretel and the bible
Chapter 2
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Psalms 41-45: The king is Hugh Hefner!
Psalm 41
The first three verses offer up a paean to the charitable. Then, of course, it's ten verses of David feeling sorry for himself and whining about how mean and awful his enemies have been: spreading rumours, eating him out of house and home, trying to overthrow him, in other words, typical teenage stuff. So he asks god to make them sick and kill them whilst elevating David. What was that about charity?
Psalm 42
David is so lonely he's been eating his tears. I'm not making this up. He tries a new tactic to get god to pay attention to him: his enemies are taunting him, saying his god doesn't exist, so he challenges god to show up and prove them wrong!
Psalm 43
Blah, blah, David's feeling ignored. Seriously, people talk about how inspiring and uplifting they find these things. Methinks they haven't actually read most of them.
Psalm 44
Yay war poetry! David reminds us of all the legends where god saved his people from their enemies and promises to put his faith there in future wars as well. Then he remembers all the times god has let him down and his enemies have won. So confusing! But he vows to keep believing, like people who decide to keep having kids 'until we have a boy' and end up with 8 girls.
Psalm 45
Suddenly, incongruously, we have a love song to the king. The work of Jonathan? The king is good looking, especially when he's on a horse (though I suspect not as good-looking as this guy) and powerful but just. Oh, awesome! I hadn't read this entire thing when I posted the link to the Old Spice Guy, but verse 8 tells us how good the king's clothing smells. Am I psychic or what?
The king's daughters are honourable (v. 9), which I think is a tactful way of saying 'got hit with the ugly stick' and his wife looks hot in gold.
The psalmist then encourages all the nubile young virgins out there to forget also thine own people, and thy father's house (v. 10) and offer themselves to the king. If they do, the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour (v. 12). But that's not all! If they can convince their friends to come along, they'll all get new clothes and their sons will be princes and they'll be immortalized forever. In Playboy. Okay, that last part was only implied.
The first three verses offer up a paean to the charitable. Then, of course, it's ten verses of David feeling sorry for himself and whining about how mean and awful his enemies have been: spreading rumours, eating him out of house and home, trying to overthrow him, in other words, typical teenage stuff. So he asks god to make them sick and kill them whilst elevating David. What was that about charity?
Psalm 42
David is so lonely he's been eating his tears. I'm not making this up. He tries a new tactic to get god to pay attention to him: his enemies are taunting him, saying his god doesn't exist, so he challenges god to show up and prove them wrong!
Psalm 43
Blah, blah, David's feeling ignored. Seriously, people talk about how inspiring and uplifting they find these things. Methinks they haven't actually read most of them.
Psalm 44
Yay war poetry! David reminds us of all the legends where god saved his people from their enemies and promises to put his faith there in future wars as well. Then he remembers all the times god has let him down and his enemies have won. So confusing! But he vows to keep believing, like people who decide to keep having kids 'until we have a boy' and end up with 8 girls.
Psalm 45
Suddenly, incongruously, we have a love song to the king. The work of Jonathan? The king is good looking, especially when he's on a horse (though I suspect not as good-looking as this guy) and powerful but just. Oh, awesome! I hadn't read this entire thing when I posted the link to the Old Spice Guy, but verse 8 tells us how good the king's clothing smells. Am I psychic or what?
The king's daughters are honourable (v. 9), which I think is a tactful way of saying 'got hit with the ugly stick' and his wife looks hot in gold.
The psalmist then encourages all the nubile young virgins out there to forget also thine own people, and thy father's house (v. 10) and offer themselves to the king. If they do, the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour (v. 12). But that's not all! If they can convince their friends to come along, they'll all get new clothes and their sons will be princes and they'll be immortalized forever. In Playboy. Okay, that last part was only implied.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Esther, Chapter 2: Pageant Queen
Today: virgin beauty pagents!
Ahasuerus discovers that an empty bed is not as fun as it fist seems, and decides to get married again. His ministers send out minions to all the provinces to round up hot young virgins and bring them toSenor Frog's the palace. The king will then crown the one he likes the best.
Now, working in the palace is a certain Mordecai, an Israelite, who happens to be the sole guardian of his niece Esther, who happens to be very hot. So she enters thewet t-shirt contest palace with the other babes.
Here's how the contest works: All the nubile young things get a first opportunity to go in to king Ahasuerus (v. 12). She then spends 12 monthsdeveloping an eating disorder purifying herself. After that year, she gets a cash prize, and the chance to go back to the king's bedchamber, or whatever. If she lost enough weight and got those breast implants he likes her, she'll get called back when he feels like it.
Esther is the Miss Congeniality of the harem, because she isn't a total bitch. Oddly enough the king also likes her, and decides to make her his queen. He throws a big party. Esther keeps her identity secret.
She endears herself even further to the king when Mordecai overhears two men plotting to assassinate the king and she tells him about the plan. They get hung for their troubles.
Ahasuerus discovers that an empty bed is not as fun as it fist seems, and decides to get married again. His ministers send out minions to all the provinces to round up hot young virgins and bring them to
Now, working in the palace is a certain Mordecai, an Israelite, who happens to be the sole guardian of his niece Esther, who happens to be very hot. So she enters the
Here's how the contest works: All the nubile young things get a first opportunity to go in to king Ahasuerus (v. 12). She then spends 12 months
Esther is the Miss Congeniality of the harem, because she isn't a total bitch. Oddly enough the king also likes her, and decides to make her his queen. He throws a big party. Esther keeps her identity secret.
She endears herself even further to the king when Mordecai overhears two men plotting to assassinate the king and she tells him about the plan. They get hung for their troubles.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Esther, Chapter 1: Biblical Strippers
So
At some point, he goes on a 7-day bender with his closest advisors and gets the brilliant idea that they should all look at his wife, Vashti. I'm going to interpret this as a would-be 'Girls Gone Wild' moment. Some pedants will insist that this episode has nothing to do with sex, and that all
See, this is where I actually like the bible: when it's showing us that really, truly, nothing ever changes. Too bad it spends so much time talking about building temples and massacring enemies.
Monday, June 7, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 13
The inspiration for Faulkner's novel Absalom, Absalom!, which I have not read yet because I am still intimidated by his writing, having failed to even get through the first chapter of The Sound and the Fury.
It's also an incest story. I complained recently about incest in modern fiction, forgetting, apparently, Abraham's 'she's my sister' ruse, Lot's daughters, Judah and Tamar, and no doubt many more tales of forbidden love in the holy book.
So, the biblical Absalom is one of David's sons. He has a full sister named Tamar, who is beautiful. Amnon, David's oldest son, is in love with Tamar, but can't think of a way to get her alone. He confides in his friend Jonadab, who tells him to play sick and ask his father to send Tamar to nurse him.
Tamar comes in obediently, and as she's making the cakes, he sends all the servants out of the room. As she goes to feed him, he grabs her wrist and tries to pull her into the bed. She protests Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. (v. 12) He doesn't listen. She tries another tack: begging him to ask David for her hand in marriage. Gross. Also forbidden in Leviticus. That doesn't work either and he rapes her.
Having established his dominance over her, Amnon is seized with a feeling of loathing and he kicks her out. She points out that this is more shameful than raping her, but he isn't listening again. He has his servant lock her outside.
She's wearing a multi-coloured garment, the same kind as Joseph used to wear in Genesis, and she rends it and pours ashes over herself while crying. Absalom somehow notices that something is wrong, and puts two and two together. He tells her not to worry and gives her sanctuary in his house.
David, meanwhile, has heard the story and is angry, but doesn't punish Amnon because he's the oldest. Absalom seethes silently and stops speaking to his brother. He bides his time for two years, until there's a harvest festival in another town. He invites all of his brothers, but David refuses. Absalom begs him to send Amnon, then. He instructs his servants to kill him once he's drunk. The others flee.
David is upset, but Jonadab explains only Amnon is dead because of what he did to Tamar. Absalom has fled into neighbouring Geshur, where he's taken refuge in the king's house. The other sons return shortly, though David misses Absalom.
It's also an incest story. I complained recently about incest in modern fiction, forgetting, apparently, Abraham's 'she's my sister' ruse, Lot's daughters, Judah and Tamar, and no doubt many more tales of forbidden love in the holy book.
So, the biblical Absalom is one of David's sons. He has a full sister named Tamar, who is beautiful. Amnon, David's oldest son, is in love with Tamar, but can't think of a way to get her alone. He confides in his friend Jonadab, who tells him to play sick and ask his father to send Tamar to nurse him.
Tamar comes in obediently, and as she's making the cakes, he sends all the servants out of the room. As she goes to feed him, he grabs her wrist and tries to pull her into the bed. She protests Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. (v. 12) He doesn't listen. She tries another tack: begging him to ask David for her hand in marriage. Gross. Also forbidden in Leviticus. That doesn't work either and he rapes her.
Having established his dominance over her, Amnon is seized with a feeling of loathing and he kicks her out. She points out that this is more shameful than raping her, but he isn't listening again. He has his servant lock her outside.
She's wearing a multi-coloured garment, the same kind as Joseph used to wear in Genesis, and she rends it and pours ashes over herself while crying. Absalom somehow notices that something is wrong, and puts two and two together. He tells her not to worry and gives her sanctuary in his house.
David, meanwhile, has heard the story and is angry, but doesn't punish Amnon because he's the oldest. Absalom seethes silently and stops speaking to his brother. He bides his time for two years, until there's a harvest festival in another town. He invites all of his brothers, but David refuses. Absalom begs him to send Amnon, then. He instructs his servants to kill him once he's drunk. The others flee.
David is upset, but Jonadab explains only Amnon is dead because of what he did to Tamar. Absalom has fled into neighbouring Geshur, where he's taken refuge in the king's house. The other sons return shortly, though David misses Absalom.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 11
David has sent his men off to war while he rests up in Jerusalem. One evening, David takes a walk on his roof and happens to look down and see a hot chick bathing. That's so damned clichéd. He asks around and finds out her name is Bathsheba and she's married to Uriah the Hittite.
Because he gets off on cuckolding other men, David sends for her and sleeps with her, then sends her home. Of course she gets pregnant and tells him about it. Probably not wanting to take responsibility, he recalls Uriah from the front, and tells him to Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet (v. 8), which, just so we're clear, is code for: fuck your wife and we'll just call it yours. He even sends along some meat to get them in the mood. Uh, try chocolate and strawberries. But Uriah is either stupid or gay, and he camps outside the castle. David hears and goes down to encourage him to go home, but Uriah babbles some bullshit about how the ark and the army and all sleep in tents, so why should he get to go home to walls and comfy sheets and a wife? Anyone else's gaydar just spiking off the charts, here?
Uriah hangs around for two days, until a desperate David gets him drunk, but he still refuses to go home to his wife. Nope, instead he takes to his bed with some of David's servants for a big gay orgy.
David gives up and sends him back to the front with a letter for Joab, his general, instructing him to put Uriah into battle and get him killed. So Uriah goes and is killed. Joab sends word to David. Bathsheba also hears and goes into mourning. The minute she casts off her widow's weeds, of course, David marries here, but we are warned ominously that god is nevertheless displeased.
Because he gets off on cuckolding other men, David sends for her and sleeps with her, then sends her home. Of course she gets pregnant and tells him about it. Probably not wanting to take responsibility, he recalls Uriah from the front, and tells him to Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet (v. 8), which, just so we're clear, is code for: fuck your wife and we'll just call it yours. He even sends along some meat to get them in the mood. Uh, try chocolate and strawberries. But Uriah is either stupid or gay, and he camps outside the castle. David hears and goes down to encourage him to go home, but Uriah babbles some bullshit about how the ark and the army and all sleep in tents, so why should he get to go home to walls and comfy sheets and a wife? Anyone else's gaydar just spiking off the charts, here?
Uriah hangs around for two days, until a desperate David gets him drunk, but he still refuses to go home to his wife. Nope, instead he takes to his bed with some of David's servants for a big gay orgy.
David gives up and sends him back to the front with a letter for Joab, his general, instructing him to put Uriah into battle and get him killed. So Uriah goes and is killed. Joab sends word to David. Bathsheba also hears and goes into mourning. The minute she casts off her widow's weeds, of course, David marries here, but we are warned ominously that god is nevertheless displeased.
Monday, May 24, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 4-6
Chapter 4
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 18 & 19
Ladies: How many Philistine foreskins are you worth?
Chapter 18
Jonathan, Saul's son, really loves David. So much so that they make secret pacts with each other, and Jonathan gives him all his clothes at one point. Hello? Leviticus? Anyone?
But David is still Saul's emissary, and gets sent out a lot on military forays. One day, the two of them come back from slaughtering the Philistines and the women come out, singing and dancing, encouraging them to kill even more. We get this lovely little quote: Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands (v. 7). Yay?
Saul is pissed off, and from that moment, he hates David. He gets even crazier: he makes random prophecies then he throws a javelin across the room and says he's going to pin David to the wall with it. David understandably starts avoiding him. Saul is also afraid of David, because the people love him, so he also starts avoiding him.
Saul eventually offers his daughter Merab to David as a wife. David refuses, thinking he's unworthy as a son-in-law to the king, and she's given to someone else. Another of his daughters also has a thing for David, so Saul sets a trap: he tells his servants to tell David how much he favours him. David is skeptical, because he's so poor. The servants report this to Saul, who tells them to say he doesn't want any dowry but a hundred Philistine foreskins. Now, I have to say that if I found out my father had traded me for a hundred bits of severed penis-skin, I'd disown him, get divorced and start up a pottery shop, but I'm not a biblical character.
Saul of course thinks the Philistines will kill David, but he underestimates the boy. And David, ever the overachiever, brings back 200 foreskins, so he gives him his daughter. Saul becomes even more paranoid and afraid of David.
Chapter 19
Frustrated by his previous effort, Saul tells Jonathan and all his servants to kill David. Jonathan warns him to hide. He'll go out to the fields in the morning and talk to his father about David. He pleads with him not to sin against his loyal servant. Saul actually listens and promises not to kill him. Jonathan calls David out from hiding and things go back to normal.
For awhile. But then there's another war with the Philistines, in which David is again triumphant. This causes the evil spirit to come back to Saul, and he picks up his javelin again. Jerry blames Saul for his mental illness, just in case you were, you know, planning to join his church or something. He throws it at David, who manages to escape. He sends messengers to his house, so his wife, Michal, advises him to hide some more.
Michal puts an 'image' on David's pillow, violating several commandments, and some goat hair in the bed. Ah, the old 'pillow body in the bed' trick. Works on me every time. Saul rebukes his daughter, and David escapes with Samuel.
Saul finds him, but this time when his messengers arrive, everybody's 'prophesying.' His messengers are taken by the spirit of the lord and join in. Likewise the next batch. Finally Saul himself comes down, but that pesky spirit won't leave him alone. He strips off his clothes and joins in the fun.
Chapter 18
Jonathan, Saul's son, really loves David. So much so that they make secret pacts with each other, and Jonathan gives him all his clothes at one point. Hello? Leviticus? Anyone?
But David is still Saul's emissary, and gets sent out a lot on military forays. One day, the two of them come back from slaughtering the Philistines and the women come out, singing and dancing, encouraging them to kill even more. We get this lovely little quote: Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands (v. 7). Yay?
Saul is pissed off, and from that moment, he hates David. He gets even crazier: he makes random prophecies then he throws a javelin across the room and says he's going to pin David to the wall with it. David understandably starts avoiding him. Saul is also afraid of David, because the people love him, so he also starts avoiding him.
Saul eventually offers his daughter Merab to David as a wife. David refuses, thinking he's unworthy as a son-in-law to the king, and she's given to someone else. Another of his daughters also has a thing for David, so Saul sets a trap: he tells his servants to tell David how much he favours him. David is skeptical, because he's so poor. The servants report this to Saul, who tells them to say he doesn't want any dowry but a hundred Philistine foreskins. Now, I have to say that if I found out my father had traded me for a hundred bits of severed penis-skin, I'd disown him, get divorced and start up a pottery shop, but I'm not a biblical character.
Saul of course thinks the Philistines will kill David, but he underestimates the boy. And David, ever the overachiever, brings back 200 foreskins, so he gives him his daughter. Saul becomes even more paranoid and afraid of David.
Chapter 19
Frustrated by his previous effort, Saul tells Jonathan and all his servants to kill David. Jonathan warns him to hide. He'll go out to the fields in the morning and talk to his father about David. He pleads with him not to sin against his loyal servant. Saul actually listens and promises not to kill him. Jonathan calls David out from hiding and things go back to normal.
For awhile. But then there's another war with the Philistines, in which David is again triumphant. This causes the evil spirit to come back to Saul, and he picks up his javelin again. Jerry blames Saul for his mental illness, just in case you were, you know, planning to join his church or something. He throws it at David, who manages to escape. He sends messengers to his house, so his wife, Michal, advises him to hide some more.
Michal puts an 'image' on David's pillow, violating several commandments, and some goat hair in the bed. Ah, the old 'pillow body in the bed' trick. Works on me every time. Saul rebukes his daughter, and David escapes with Samuel.
Saul finds him, but this time when his messengers arrive, everybody's 'prophesying.' His messengers are taken by the spirit of the lord and join in. Likewise the next batch. Finally Saul himself comes down, but that pesky spirit won't leave him alone. He strips off his clothes and joins in the fun.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter 2
Hannah sings a hymn of praise to god, including the lyric The lord killeth (v. 6), showing she knows exactly who she's complimenting here. We also find out, in verse 8, that the world is set upon pillars. Personally, I always liked the one where a woman falls out of the sky and lands on a turtle's back, but whatever floats your boat.
When she finishes singing, she goes home and leaves her son behind with Eli's two sons, who are corrupt. First of all, they keep the meat from the sacrifices for themselves. Samuel, on the other hand, is a good boy. Coincidentally, he's supposed to be the author of this book. Self-serving much?
Hannah comes back to visit with new clothes every year, and in time she has another five children. Eli's sons take to having sex with the women who gather outside the temple. Their father reproaches them, but they don't listen because god has already decided to kill them. You know, if I was in the same situation, I'd do exactly what they're doing. I'd make a terrible Calvinist.
Next, a man of god (whom Jerry of course thinks is Jesus) comes along and rebukes Eli, accusing him of spoiling his sons and informs him that all the members of his family will die before their time and the rest will be cursed. He'll start with killing the two sons on the same day as a sign, and he'll put an honest priest in their place. Gee, do you think the 'honest priest' will be Samuel?
Chapter 3
Oh gosh, look at that! Samuel is ministering to the people, but god doesn't have much to say. Much as he hasn't since his book was published. Eli is getting old, and one night a voice calls out to the sleeping Samuel. He assumes it's Eli, so he runs out to see what he wants. On the third try, Eli figures out it's god talking. And what is god so eager to tell Samuel? Why, that he's going to punish Eli, of course! For his sons' sins! And then all the generations of his family after that. What was that about god being just and merciful?
The next day, Samuel is reluctant to share the heavenly threats with Eli, but Eli presses. Eli accepts his punishment without complaint. Samuel grows up and eventually god speaks to him again. The chapter ends on that dramatic note, as the bible finally learns about suspenseful buildup.
Hannah sings a hymn of praise to god, including the lyric The lord killeth (v. 6), showing she knows exactly who she's complimenting here. We also find out, in verse 8, that the world is set upon pillars. Personally, I always liked the one where a woman falls out of the sky and lands on a turtle's back, but whatever floats your boat.
When she finishes singing, she goes home and leaves her son behind with Eli's two sons, who are corrupt. First of all, they keep the meat from the sacrifices for themselves. Samuel, on the other hand, is a good boy. Coincidentally, he's supposed to be the author of this book. Self-serving much?
Hannah comes back to visit with new clothes every year, and in time she has another five children. Eli's sons take to having sex with the women who gather outside the temple. Their father reproaches them, but they don't listen because god has already decided to kill them. You know, if I was in the same situation, I'd do exactly what they're doing. I'd make a terrible Calvinist.
Next, a man of god (whom Jerry of course thinks is Jesus) comes along and rebukes Eli, accusing him of spoiling his sons and informs him that all the members of his family will die before their time and the rest will be cursed. He'll start with killing the two sons on the same day as a sign, and he'll put an honest priest in their place. Gee, do you think the 'honest priest' will be Samuel?
Chapter 3
Oh gosh, look at that! Samuel is ministering to the people, but god doesn't have much to say. Much as he hasn't since his book was published. Eli is getting old, and one night a voice calls out to the sleeping Samuel. He assumes it's Eli, so he runs out to see what he wants. On the third try, Eli figures out it's god talking. And what is god so eager to tell Samuel? Why, that he's going to punish Eli, of course! For his sons' sins! And then all the generations of his family after that. What was that about god being just and merciful?
The next day, Samuel is reluctant to share the heavenly threats with Eli, but Eli presses. Eli accepts his punishment without complaint. Samuel grows up and eventually god speaks to him again. The chapter ends on that dramatic note, as the bible finally learns about suspenseful buildup.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Judges, Chapters 20 & 21
A civil war to exterminate the Benjaminites, followed by a mass murder of the residents of Jabeshgilead to give the remaining Benjaminites virgin wives. When that fails to yield enough brides, they kidnap a bunch of girls from another town, which they follow up with another mass rape. Good times!
Chapter 20
Following the concubine body part telegram from the last chapter, the tribes of Israel, minus the Benjaminites, gather together with their army of 400 000 men, which puts it on par with Indonesia's current army. The Benjaminites hear about the meeting and ask why they weren't invited. The Levite from the last chapter reminds them about a certain vile incident in Gibeah. He frames it like they stole her, rather than him pushing her out the door. He asks the other Israelites what they think. They want vengeance.
They gather outside Gibeah and start interrogating all the men, demanding the rapists, but the Benjaminites refuse to give them up. Instead, they attack. The total size of the Benjaminite army is 26 000 men, about the same size as a modern army in Scandinavia, including 700 super-special troops, all of whom are left-handed slingshot sharpshooters.
The other tribes ask god who should attack first, and he says Judah. The Benjaminites win the first battle, killing 22 000 Israelites, which is impressive when you consider that the bloodiest battle in the American Civil War, Antitem, only killed 23 000 troops. After that loss, which would take humanity several thousand years to repeat, the Israelites wail and ask god if they really need to wage war against Benjamin. He says yes and a further 18 000 men are killed. The Israelites go to the temple, which, amazingly, is still presided over by Phineas, who must be about 400 by now, and offer sacrifices and prayers to god, who tells them that he's really going to let them win this time. Riiight.
This time, the Israelites succeed in drawing the Benjaminites out of the city and then it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Then they kill everyone in Gibeah, even though only the men sinned. Then they burn the city. The Benjaminites notice the flames, realize they don't have a hope of winning, and flee, but are picked off as they retreat. 25 100 are killed this way, for a 3-day total of 80 100 casualties. 600 Benjaminites do manage to escape to the Rock of Rimmon. The Israelites then slaughter everything in the Benjaminite territory, then institute the first-ever scorched-earth policy, burning everything to the ground. Well, that certainly avenges the gang rape! What happened to those courts Moses was supposed to set up way back in Exodus?
Chapter 21
At the initial meeting, the Israelites had pledged not to let their daughters marry any Benjaminites. But then they regret trying to kill all the Benjaminites and ask god what to do, since they've killed all the Benjaminite women. They then discover that one city, Jabeshgilead, didn't send anyone to the meeting. So they decide to kill all the residents save the virgin girls. Unfortunately, there are only 400 of them, and 600 men. Then, fortunately, someone remembers a harvest festival will be taking place soon at Shiloh, and suggests kidnapping some girls from there. As the girls come out to dance, they grab them and run off, caveman style. Sadly, there are no Simeons and Levis this time to avenge the stolen girls.
Chapter 20
Following the concubine body part telegram from the last chapter, the tribes of Israel, minus the Benjaminites, gather together with their army of 400 000 men, which puts it on par with Indonesia's current army. The Benjaminites hear about the meeting and ask why they weren't invited. The Levite from the last chapter reminds them about a certain vile incident in Gibeah. He frames it like they stole her, rather than him pushing her out the door. He asks the other Israelites what they think. They want vengeance.
They gather outside Gibeah and start interrogating all the men, demanding the rapists, but the Benjaminites refuse to give them up. Instead, they attack. The total size of the Benjaminite army is 26 000 men, about the same size as a modern army in Scandinavia, including 700 super-special troops, all of whom are left-handed slingshot sharpshooters.
The other tribes ask god who should attack first, and he says Judah. The Benjaminites win the first battle, killing 22 000 Israelites, which is impressive when you consider that the bloodiest battle in the American Civil War, Antitem, only killed 23 000 troops. After that loss, which would take humanity several thousand years to repeat, the Israelites wail and ask god if they really need to wage war against Benjamin. He says yes and a further 18 000 men are killed. The Israelites go to the temple, which, amazingly, is still presided over by Phineas, who must be about 400 by now, and offer sacrifices and prayers to god, who tells them that he's really going to let them win this time. Riiight.
This time, the Israelites succeed in drawing the Benjaminites out of the city and then it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Then they kill everyone in Gibeah, even though only the men sinned. Then they burn the city. The Benjaminites notice the flames, realize they don't have a hope of winning, and flee, but are picked off as they retreat. 25 100 are killed this way, for a 3-day total of 80 100 casualties. 600 Benjaminites do manage to escape to the Rock of Rimmon. The Israelites then slaughter everything in the Benjaminite territory, then institute the first-ever scorched-earth policy, burning everything to the ground. Well, that certainly avenges the gang rape! What happened to those courts Moses was supposed to set up way back in Exodus?
Chapter 21
At the initial meeting, the Israelites had pledged not to let their daughters marry any Benjaminites. But then they regret trying to kill all the Benjaminites and ask god what to do, since they've killed all the Benjaminite women. They then discover that one city, Jabeshgilead, didn't send anyone to the meeting. So they decide to kill all the residents save the virgin girls. Unfortunately, there are only 400 of them, and 600 men. Then, fortunately, someone remembers a harvest festival will be taking place soon at Shiloh, and suggests kidnapping some girls from there. As the girls come out to dance, they grab them and run off, caveman style. Sadly, there are no Simeons and Levis this time to avenge the stolen girls.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Judges, Chapter 19
You've probably never heard of this chapter, even if you've gone to church every Sunday of your life. Unless your preacher is a gyno-sadist. Bear in mind as you read about this most abominable tale in this most abominable of books, if not in all of literature, that some of its believers would like nothing better than to go through our school curricula and libraries purging them of Nabokov and Vonnegut and replacing it with this filth.
So, the story: a Levite man quarrels with his concubine, and calls her a harlot. She's offended and leaves him goes to her father's house. She doesn't come back for four months, so he goes after her. She refuses to leave her room for 5 days, but on the sixth day, she does, and the leave.
As sunset is drawing near, they approach the town of Jebus, later Jerusalem. His servant recommends lodging there that night, but the Levite refuses, because it isn't an Israelite city. Instead they stop in Gibeah, a city of Benjaminites.
When they arrive, no one invites them in, which should be their first hint that this is not a normal place. Instead, they sit down in the town square and wait. Finally, an old man passes by and invites them to stay for the night.
As they're eating dinner, the men of the city come to the door and start pounding on it, demanding the Levite so they can rape him. Sound familiar? This is also the story of Lot, in Genesis 19. However, Lot's guests were angels, and threw powder at their would-be rapists to blind them. There is no divine intervention here. God, so willing to help the Israelites when it came to slaughtering their enemies, even in this freak-show of a book, is silent on what happens next.
The old man begs them not to harm his guest, and offers his virgin daughter or the concubine instead, just like Lot. The men don't listen, so the Levite picks up his concubine and throws her out of the house. The Benjaminites spend the rest of the night gang-raping her, only leaving her alone in the morning. How is anything that Larry Flynt has ever published more worthy of censorship than that? And how can anyone call a god who would allow this atrocity to happen merciful or just?
And that isn't even the end of the story. The woman manages to crawl back to the door of the house, which her cowardly husband is too afraid to open until dawn. Then he finds her there, and doesn't offer even a kind word or an apology. He orders her to get up onto her donkey so they can go home. When she doesn't move, he throws her over the beast's back.
When he gets home, he cuts her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to all the tribes save the Benjaminites. We're asked at the end of the chapter to think about this horrific act and speak our minds.
Here's what's on my mind: This chapter is like a Lars van Trier movie. It's also the most revolting thing I've ever read, and I certainly don't see how an all-good, all-powerful god can be said to be at work here. How can anyone read something that ugly and still believe this book is divine? I don't want to hear that I'm 'taking it out of context' or 'it's different in Hebrew.' If this book is universal, as is so often claimed, that means it transcends culture and time, and is supposed to be relevant in any context. You can't dismiss the depraved parts as being 'from a different time' and then say the parts that fit with your religion's morals and ethics are somehow important today. And if you're going to dismiss this part as 'the ravings of sand people', why not cut it out?
Tomorrow: genocide, mass rape, mass murder, another mass rape!
So, the story: a Levite man quarrels with his concubine, and calls her a harlot. She's offended and leaves him goes to her father's house. She doesn't come back for four months, so he goes after her. She refuses to leave her room for 5 days, but on the sixth day, she does, and the leave.
As sunset is drawing near, they approach the town of Jebus, later Jerusalem. His servant recommends lodging there that night, but the Levite refuses, because it isn't an Israelite city. Instead they stop in Gibeah, a city of Benjaminites.
When they arrive, no one invites them in, which should be their first hint that this is not a normal place. Instead, they sit down in the town square and wait. Finally, an old man passes by and invites them to stay for the night.
As they're eating dinner, the men of the city come to the door and start pounding on it, demanding the Levite so they can rape him. Sound familiar? This is also the story of Lot, in Genesis 19. However, Lot's guests were angels, and threw powder at their would-be rapists to blind them. There is no divine intervention here. God, so willing to help the Israelites when it came to slaughtering their enemies, even in this freak-show of a book, is silent on what happens next.
The old man begs them not to harm his guest, and offers his virgin daughter or the concubine instead, just like Lot. The men don't listen, so the Levite picks up his concubine and throws her out of the house. The Benjaminites spend the rest of the night gang-raping her, only leaving her alone in the morning. How is anything that Larry Flynt has ever published more worthy of censorship than that? And how can anyone call a god who would allow this atrocity to happen merciful or just?
And that isn't even the end of the story. The woman manages to crawl back to the door of the house, which her cowardly husband is too afraid to open until dawn. Then he finds her there, and doesn't offer even a kind word or an apology. He orders her to get up onto her donkey so they can go home. When she doesn't move, he throws her over the beast's back.
When he gets home, he cuts her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to all the tribes save the Benjaminites. We're asked at the end of the chapter to think about this horrific act and speak our minds.
Here's what's on my mind: This chapter is like a Lars van Trier movie. It's also the most revolting thing I've ever read, and I certainly don't see how an all-good, all-powerful god can be said to be at work here. How can anyone read something that ugly and still believe this book is divine? I don't want to hear that I'm 'taking it out of context' or 'it's different in Hebrew.' If this book is universal, as is so often claimed, that means it transcends culture and time, and is supposed to be relevant in any context. You can't dismiss the depraved parts as being 'from a different time' and then say the parts that fit with your religion's morals and ethics are somehow important today. And if you're going to dismiss this part as 'the ravings of sand people', why not cut it out?
Tomorrow: genocide, mass rape, mass murder, another mass rape!
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