Chapter 9
David, missing Jonathan, decides to find out if any of his family members are still knocking around. Why yes, Jonathan's son with the lame feet didn't participate in the war. David sends for the boy, Mephibosheth, who falls on his face at David's feet. David promises he'll show him kindness, restore Saul's land, and they'll eat all their meals together. The reward for the old slave who told him where Mephibosheth was? He gets to till the land! And then harvest it! And cook for the bastard! Oddly, the slave, Ziba, also has 20 slaves and 15 sons.
Chapter 10
Despite all the soaring rhetoric of 'love thy brother' and 'don't punish the child for the sins of its parents' in this book, it doesn't often come into practice. The old king of Ammon dies. You'll remember him for how he threatened to, and possibly did, gouge out the eyes of the Israelite messengers in 1 Samuel. So David decides to pay tribute to the father in the same fashion.
He sends envoys to the king, whose advisors are skeptical. So before they can carry out their plans, the king shaves half their beards and cuts half their clothing off and deports them. Well, hell, here we are 2000-odd years later and relations between Israel and its neighbours are no better.
David hears about what happened and rather than advising them to shave their beards off and start over, he tells them to hang out in Jericho until they grow back in. It must have been like the 1970s. Gross.
The Ammonites, sensing their little prank didn't go over very well, hire some Syrian mercenaries to defend themselves against David. David likewise raises an army. Apparently, mutually-assured destruction was not a deterrent back then, so they fight. And fighty-fight fight some more, until David gets into it and kills 40 000 men and 700 charioteers, and the Syrians are convinced not to fight for money anymore.
Showing posts with label Jonathan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jonathan. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 4-6
Chapter 4
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Problems at the royal court: on hearing of Abner's death, Ishbosheth develops tremors in his hands. His guards flee. Jonathan's son is lamed at 5 years old when he falls whilst fleeing.
One day, Ishbosheth lays down for a nap. Two men sneak in and stab him and cut off his head, which they run off with and present to David. Far from receiving rewards and virgins, David reminds them what happened to the last man who confessed to killing a king, the Amalekite. He proclaims Ishbosheth innocent and has them killed rather gruesomely: hands and feet cut off and hung over a pond. Ishbosheth's head is buried in a royal tomb.
Chapter 5
David is crowned king in Hebron, at age 30. His reign will continue another 40 years. Not satisfied, he leads an army to Jerusalem, currently occupied by the Jebushites. They pretend they aren't scared, saying Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. (v. 6). David nevertheless conquers the city and promises anyone that can get in by the gutters will be his captain. Jerusalem is now called 'The City of David.'
The king of Tyre sends some cedars to David for a house. It must have smelled awesome. He takes even more wives, none of whom are named, who produce eleven more sons.
The Philistines aren't as friendly as the Tyreans and they come and camp in a valley nearby. David, unable to make the simplest of decisions for himself, asks god if he should attack them. God says yes, he'll help kill them. So he does, making sure to destroy their idols as well.
They come back, of course, because they always do. This time David is instructed to encircle them and to drive them towards a mulberry grove. When he hears trumpets in the trees, that's the signal that god is coming along to finish them off. He smites the Philistines yet again.
Chapter 6
David gathers an army of 30 000, which is somewhat less than the 600 000 men of fighting capability listed in numbers, but still on par with the modern-day Finnish army. He orders the ark brought to Jerusalem. It has been in the house of Abinadab, and his sons, Uzzah and Ahio bring it up in their new ox cart. As they get to someone's threshing floor, the oxen jostle the cart and Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark. Bad move: god smites him right there. I wonder what the punishment would have been for letting it fall? I'm thinking smiting. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
David is angry and afraid. He asks god how he should carry it, and duh, he said only the sons of Kohath should carry it, but that isn't delineated here. Instead, it is taken to the home of Obededom, where it stays for three months, after which David retrieves it again. Before the new bearers go six paces, David's sacrificing oxen.
David also dances, possibly naked, which his wife Michal sees. As he leads the proceedings into the temple and sacrifices and barbecues and all, she rebukes him for showing his naughty bits to the servant girls. David says it was before god, so he's fine. Micah is punished with infertility.
Monday, May 10, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapter 20
Jonathan really, really loves David. In a totally brotherly way, of course!
David flees the court, either with Jonathan or to wherever Jonathan is, it isn't clear. He asks him how he sinned. Rather than answer, Jonathan promises to spy for him. They make another covenant.
David decides to hide the next day, and Jonathan is to say that he went home for an emergency sacrifice. They'll know by Saul's reaction whether he's currently possessed by god's evil spirit. Jonathan prays to god that if he doesn't protect David, the lord's wrath shall befall his household.
So, David's hiding, and Saul thinks he's just off doing laundry or sacrificing because he isn't clean. The next day, he asks Jonathan where he is, and Jonathan says his piece about the emergency sacrifice in Bethlehem. Saul gets angry at Jonathan, possibly because of his homosexual affair, and orders him to go and get David so he can kill him. Jonathan asks why, and gets a javelin thrown in his direction in response.
Jonathan goes out to the field the next day with his arrow retriever, because princes are just like that, and according to the secret code worked out the day before, lets David know that his father is currently under god's demonic control. Why even bring the kid? Why not just go out and tell him?
Anyway, David comes out and they kiss and cry, and David leaves to become a rebel leader while Jonathan goes home.
David flees the court, either with Jonathan or to wherever Jonathan is, it isn't clear. He asks him how he sinned. Rather than answer, Jonathan promises to spy for him. They make another covenant.
David decides to hide the next day, and Jonathan is to say that he went home for an emergency sacrifice. They'll know by Saul's reaction whether he's currently possessed by god's evil spirit. Jonathan prays to god that if he doesn't protect David, the lord's wrath shall befall his household.
So, David's hiding, and Saul thinks he's just off doing laundry or sacrificing because he isn't clean. The next day, he asks Jonathan where he is, and Jonathan says his piece about the emergency sacrifice in Bethlehem. Saul gets angry at Jonathan, possibly because of his homosexual affair, and orders him to go and get David so he can kill him. Jonathan asks why, and gets a javelin thrown in his direction in response.
Jonathan goes out to the field the next day with his arrow retriever, because princes are just like that, and according to the secret code worked out the day before, lets David know that his father is currently under god's demonic control. Why even bring the kid? Why not just go out and tell him?
Anyway, David comes out and they kiss and cry, and David leaves to become a rebel leader while Jonathan goes home.
Monday, May 3, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 12-14
Chapter 12
Samuel's farewell speech, although he doesn't actually die for quite awhile. He reminds them of the covenant, and of their military victories in Judges, and laments their clamour for a king. He reminds them to keep faith, and as a sign of his power, he calls on god for a thunderstorm. The people are amazed. He warns them that if they don't obey, god will punish them.
Chapter 13
Saul decides to attack the Philistines and gathers an army. His son Jonathan makes the first foray, killing an entire garrison. The Philistines respond, gathering 30 000 chariots and 6000 horsemen. The Battle of Hastings, in which William the Conqueror took over all of England, and which took place in 1066, involved perhaps 15 000 troops in total by the way, to put things in perspective here.
The Israelites see the formidable Philstine army, and hide. Saul is somewhere else on Samuel's orders, and Samuel is nowhere to be found. Eventually Saul gets hungry and makes a burnt offering. Samuel smells the delicious barbecue and turns up. Saul explains he didn't know what else to do, since Samuel wasn't there, but Samuel is a barbecue prima donna who won't have anyone else touching his grill, so he tells Saul that god has chosen another man to be king. Then the battle just kind of... fizzles, as the armies sort of wander off.
We then find out that the Israelites have no blacksmiths, and have to get the Philistines to sharpen all their knives for them, and in the entire Israelite army, there are only two swords: Jonathan's and Saul's. No wonder they all hid.
Chapter 14
Jonathan decides to go on a private mission to kill Philistines. He doesn't tell his father, who is hanging out under a pomegranate tree with some of his buddies. In his very first slaughter, well, except that one in the previous chapter, which might not count because it was a 'bloodbath', Jonathan kills 20 Philistines. God shows his approval with an earthquake. Jonathan then stands back and watches as god takes over the Philistines' will and forces them to kill each other.
Saul finally figures out his son is gone and... calls for the ark of the covenant. He leads his troops over to the battle, where the Israelites among the Philistine army rejoin them. The rest of the Philistines run off, and the Israelites chase them and god finishes them off.
Now, before all this, Saul had vowed not to eat anything until all his enemies were slaughtered. The hungry men pass by a honeycomb, but don't take any, except Jonathan, who was at the back and didn't hear what his father said. The people inform him of his father's promise, and he, and the bible, very reasonably point out how much more energy he had for killing people thanks to that sugar rush.
When the Philistines are finally annihilated, the Israelites descend ravenously upon their cattle and eat the blood. Saul builds an altar and asks god what happened. God doesn't answer, so he asks the leaders to bring his troops over so he can find out what the sin was and vows to put the sinner to death, even if it was Jonathan. Roh-roh! Saul finally figures out by casting lots that Jonathan did something. Jonathan confesses to eating some honey. Saul is sorry, but that means a sacrifice. The people aren't happy and rescue Jonathan. Saul gives up his pursuit of the Philistines and everybody goes home.
But Saul is one of those incredibly annoying neighbours who isn't happy unless he's causing trouble. He makes war against all the surrounding peoples, but especially the Philistines. Eventually, he runs out of recruits and starts press-ganging people into his army.
Samuel's farewell speech, although he doesn't actually die for quite awhile. He reminds them of the covenant, and of their military victories in Judges, and laments their clamour for a king. He reminds them to keep faith, and as a sign of his power, he calls on god for a thunderstorm. The people are amazed. He warns them that if they don't obey, god will punish them.
Chapter 13
Saul decides to attack the Philistines and gathers an army. His son Jonathan makes the first foray, killing an entire garrison. The Philistines respond, gathering 30 000 chariots and 6000 horsemen. The Battle of Hastings, in which William the Conqueror took over all of England, and which took place in 1066, involved perhaps 15 000 troops in total by the way, to put things in perspective here.
The Israelites see the formidable Philstine army, and hide. Saul is somewhere else on Samuel's orders, and Samuel is nowhere to be found. Eventually Saul gets hungry and makes a burnt offering. Samuel smells the delicious barbecue and turns up. Saul explains he didn't know what else to do, since Samuel wasn't there, but Samuel is a barbecue prima donna who won't have anyone else touching his grill, so he tells Saul that god has chosen another man to be king. Then the battle just kind of... fizzles, as the armies sort of wander off.
We then find out that the Israelites have no blacksmiths, and have to get the Philistines to sharpen all their knives for them, and in the entire Israelite army, there are only two swords: Jonathan's and Saul's. No wonder they all hid.
Chapter 14
Jonathan decides to go on a private mission to kill Philistines. He doesn't tell his father, who is hanging out under a pomegranate tree with some of his buddies. In his very first slaughter, well, except that one in the previous chapter, which might not count because it was a 'bloodbath', Jonathan kills 20 Philistines. God shows his approval with an earthquake. Jonathan then stands back and watches as god takes over the Philistines' will and forces them to kill each other.
Saul finally figures out his son is gone and... calls for the ark of the covenant. He leads his troops over to the battle, where the Israelites among the Philistine army rejoin them. The rest of the Philistines run off, and the Israelites chase them and god finishes them off.
Now, before all this, Saul had vowed not to eat anything until all his enemies were slaughtered. The hungry men pass by a honeycomb, but don't take any, except Jonathan, who was at the back and didn't hear what his father said. The people inform him of his father's promise, and he, and the bible, very reasonably point out how much more energy he had for killing people thanks to that sugar rush.
When the Philistines are finally annihilated, the Israelites descend ravenously upon their cattle and eat the blood. Saul builds an altar and asks god what happened. God doesn't answer, so he asks the leaders to bring his troops over so he can find out what the sin was and vows to put the sinner to death, even if it was Jonathan. Roh-roh! Saul finally figures out by casting lots that Jonathan did something. Jonathan confesses to eating some honey. Saul is sorry, but that means a sacrifice. The people aren't happy and rescue Jonathan. Saul gives up his pursuit of the Philistines and everybody goes home.
But Saul is one of those incredibly annoying neighbours who isn't happy unless he's causing trouble. He makes war against all the surrounding peoples, but especially the Philistines. Eventually, he runs out of recruits and starts press-ganging people into his army.
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