Antiochus hears about a temple in Elymias in Persia that is filled with treasure, including some relics from his grandfather Alexander the Great. Rather than just ask for the stuff back, or offer to buy it, he of course decides to attack, but the city heard he was coming and has prepared itself. They rebuff the attack and he goes back to Babylon, where he also hears about the defeats in Judea. He goes to bed to grieve and stays there for several days, until people think he's going to die. He calls all his friends together to go over all his regrets in life, chief among them being raiding Jerusalem. He appoints his friend Philip as his heir and regent to his son Antiochus Jr. Then he dies aged 149.
Lysias - who may or may not be Philip, and who may or may not have his own son named Antiochus, sets up someone named Antiochus as the new ruler and changes his name to Eupator. Together they start locking up all the Jews they find near the temple, which causes Judas to decide to besiege Babylon. Or possibly some other place. The bible really underscores the importance of pronouns by its vagueness.
Anyway, there is a siege and some people manage to get to the king and ask him when he's going to avenge the deaths of his citizens and also advise him to give up, given how persistent and murderous these Jews have proven to be. The king gets angry at this and gathers an army of 120 000 men and 32 battle elephants. They head for Bethsura, but the locals fight back and set fire to them. Then Judas shows up, which causes the king to also come in person with even more men. And to the end they might provoke the elephants to fight, they showed them the blood of gapes and mulberries (v. 34). Then they divide the elephants up amongst the armies so that each elephant has 1000 armoured men and 500 horsemen as bodyguards. Each elephant is decked out with a wooden tower containing 32 men, not counting its trainer. Clearly whoever wrote this knew nothing about elephants. When the elephants meet Judas' army, they handily kill 600 of them.
Someone named Eleazar Savaran notices that one of the elephants is bigger than the others and better kitted out, so he surmises that it must be the king's elephant and decides to attack it. He runs towards it in the heat of battle, killing people left and right, until he kills his way to under the elephant, which he stabs in the stomach until it dies and falls on him. Somehow this scares the Jewish army into retreat, so they go back to Jerusalem with Antiochus' forces in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, they have to surrender rather quickly, because they forgot to stock up before they left. For good measure, the king also takes Bethsura and builds a fort.
Somehow, despite Judas surrendering, Antiochus still has to besiege the temple for another seven years. Eventually the food runs out there until only a few starving priests are left.
Around this time, Lysias hears that Philip is back. Another thing the bible could use: structuring words, because I never knew Philip was gone. But apparently Lysias sent him off to Persia and Media on an errand, and now he's back to reclaim the throne. He wants to make peace with the Israelites by letting them live under their own laws. This satisfies the king, and why no one just sat down and had a conversation and worked out their differences years ago is not explained. Antiochus, possibly the son of the other Antiochus, possibly Lysias' son, then goes back to Antiochia, where he finds Philip ruling, even though he was just in Israel.
Showing posts with label Random Killing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random Killing. Show all posts
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Luke, Chapter 17: On the care and feeding of slaves
Jesus admits that sins are inevitable, but condemns those who tempt us to having millstones tied around their necks and being thrown into the sea. Then he tells us that if your brother sins seven times in the same day, you have to forgive him each time.
The apostles ask how they can increase their faith. He informs us that people with only a little faith can tell a sycamore tree to pick itself up and replant itself in the sea, and it will happen. G'head kids, try that one at home.
Then he starts talking about the proper treatment of slaves. How you can still have slaves if you've sold all your property and given the proceeds to the poor is not made clear. Anyway, most people don't invite their slaves to dinner after they've spent a long day in the field. Rather, they first make the slaves serve dinner, then dismiss them to their own suppers. They don't even think to say thank you. The disciples should think of themselves as the slaves here, and should do their tasks out of duty and not expect thanks.
That matter out of the way, they continue on towards Jerusalem. They pass 10 lepers who ask Jesus for some faith healing, so he obliges. One man follows along afterwards, praising god. Jesus asks where the other nine are, but doesn't get an answer. He dismisses the former leper.
Now the Pharisees have found him again, and they ask when heaven is coming. Jesus says you can't see heaven because it's inside you. What a rip-off! He turns to his disciples and completely changes his tune from what he said in Mark and Matthew about the End of Days happening within their lifetimes (because it didn't and this book was written 100-200 years after his 'death'), telling them that now they won't live to see his return. There will be lots of fake Jesus', just as there have been many Elvis sightings, but they'll know it's really him when there's a lot of lightening. Life will continue as normal, just like it did in Noah's and Lot's times, but then suddenly armageddon will start and only half of us can expect to live through it.
The apostles ask how they can increase their faith. He informs us that people with only a little faith can tell a sycamore tree to pick itself up and replant itself in the sea, and it will happen. G'head kids, try that one at home.
Then he starts talking about the proper treatment of slaves. How you can still have slaves if you've sold all your property and given the proceeds to the poor is not made clear. Anyway, most people don't invite their slaves to dinner after they've spent a long day in the field. Rather, they first make the slaves serve dinner, then dismiss them to their own suppers. They don't even think to say thank you. The disciples should think of themselves as the slaves here, and should do their tasks out of duty and not expect thanks.
That matter out of the way, they continue on towards Jerusalem. They pass 10 lepers who ask Jesus for some faith healing, so he obliges. One man follows along afterwards, praising god. Jesus asks where the other nine are, but doesn't get an answer. He dismisses the former leper.
Now the Pharisees have found him again, and they ask when heaven is coming. Jesus says you can't see heaven because it's inside you. What a rip-off! He turns to his disciples and completely changes his tune from what he said in Mark and Matthew about the End of Days happening within their lifetimes (because it didn't and this book was written 100-200 years after his 'death'), telling them that now they won't live to see his return. There will be lots of fake Jesus', just as there have been many Elvis sightings, but they'll know it's really him when there's a lot of lightening. Life will continue as normal, just like it did in Noah's and Lot's times, but then suddenly armageddon will start and only half of us can expect to live through it.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 8-14: Biblical family values
Chapter 8
God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Chapter 9
In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.
Chapter 10
In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.
Chapter 11
Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.
Chapter 12
David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.
Chapter 13
Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.
Chapter 14
After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.
God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Chapter 9
In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.
Chapter 10
In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.
Chapter 11
Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.
Chapter 12
David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.
Chapter 13
Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.
Chapter 14
After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 3-: Buying a wife for a bushel of barley
Chapter 3
God tells Hosea to take another adulteress as his wife to symbolise god's love of the Israelites despite all their failings. So he buys one for the bargain price of fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley (v. 2). He makes sure to tell this one before the wedding that she shouldn't cheat on him, and promises to do the same. Then he explains that Israel will be without leadership for awhile, but then they'll go back to god.
Chapter 4
God has decided to punish the Israelites in a totally new, unique way that has never been seen before: death, whoring and wine. People who worship Baal will be punished with harlot daughters and cheating wives. You know how divorced people say things like, 'I was married to X for 22 years, one of them happy?' That's what this entire book thus far reminds me of. There have been maybe 10 chapters total in which god wasn't punishing his chosen people for some transgression or another.
Chapter 5
Even though Hosea falls well after the Babylonian exile in the Christian bible, he seems much more concerned with the sins of Ephraim and Judah, specifically whoring, which has resulted in strange children (v. 7). The punishment? Death by lions.
Chapter 6
More threats of death against Ephraim and Judah for the sins of lewdness and whoredom. I'm sensing a theme.
Chapter 7
Poor god! There he was, all ready to forgive the Israelites and start healing, but then stupid Ephraim had to come along and mess it all up by fraternising with foreigners. So now he has no choice but to punish them. How? You guessed it! Death.
God tells Hosea to take another adulteress as his wife to symbolise god's love of the Israelites despite all their failings. So he buys one for the bargain price of fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley (v. 2). He makes sure to tell this one before the wedding that she shouldn't cheat on him, and promises to do the same. Then he explains that Israel will be without leadership for awhile, but then they'll go back to god.
Chapter 4
God has decided to punish the Israelites in a totally new, unique way that has never been seen before: death, whoring and wine. People who worship Baal will be punished with harlot daughters and cheating wives. You know how divorced people say things like, 'I was married to X for 22 years, one of them happy?' That's what this entire book thus far reminds me of. There have been maybe 10 chapters total in which god wasn't punishing his chosen people for some transgression or another.
Chapter 5
Even though Hosea falls well after the Babylonian exile in the Christian bible, he seems much more concerned with the sins of Ephraim and Judah, specifically whoring, which has resulted in strange children (v. 7). The punishment? Death by lions.
Chapter 6
More threats of death against Ephraim and Judah for the sins of lewdness and whoredom. I'm sensing a theme.
Chapter 7
Poor god! There he was, all ready to forgive the Israelites and start healing, but then stupid Ephraim had to come along and mess it all up by fraternising with foreigners. So now he has no choice but to punish them. How? You guessed it! Death.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Ezekiel, Chapters 7-9: The truth about angels
Chapter 7
I want my whimsical story about 4-faced space aliens and their flying cars back! But no, Zeke is in full-on doomsday prophet mode, haranguing the people that the end is coming 'soon' and ye shall know that I am the LORD that smiteth (v. 9). How? Oh, the usual, plague, famine, war. Who? Everybody, of course! And no bribing your way out with silver and gold.
Chapter 8
Okay, this is more like it. Zeke is sitting around chewing the fat with the village elders when god appears in fiery form and lifts him up by the hair and carries him to the temple. Then they go on a little sin-finding tour that is the opposite of Alice's absurd adventures. First, Zeke digs underneath a hole in the wall, where, unsurprisingly, he finds a lot of creepy crawlies, but also a door. Behind the door are 70 men worshipping false idols.
Next, god leads him to another gate where women are ritually mourning the loss of sunlight in tribute to a harvest god, a practice that makes sense for an agrarian people, especially when your own god is constantly threatening you with crop failure and famine. Behind door number three are another 25 men worshipping the sun. It's all too much for god, and he declares he's going to kill every last one of them. Again some more.
Chapter 9
God, in yet another fit of uncontrollable rage, screams at Zeke to call his 6 avenging angels to come with their swords and an inkhorn. Their task is to go through the city marking righteous men and killing everybody else. As they're doing it, Zeke throws himself down on the ground and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God sighs in the way of abusers that if the people wouldn't be so damned stubborn, he wouldn't have to smite them so much. Then the angel comes back and says he's finished with his task.
I want my whimsical story about 4-faced space aliens and their flying cars back! But no, Zeke is in full-on doomsday prophet mode, haranguing the people that the end is coming 'soon' and ye shall know that I am the LORD that smiteth (v. 9). How? Oh, the usual, plague, famine, war. Who? Everybody, of course! And no bribing your way out with silver and gold.
Chapter 8
Okay, this is more like it. Zeke is sitting around chewing the fat with the village elders when god appears in fiery form and lifts him up by the hair and carries him to the temple. Then they go on a little sin-finding tour that is the opposite of Alice's absurd adventures. First, Zeke digs underneath a hole in the wall, where, unsurprisingly, he finds a lot of creepy crawlies, but also a door. Behind the door are 70 men worshipping false idols.
Next, god leads him to another gate where women are ritually mourning the loss of sunlight in tribute to a harvest god, a practice that makes sense for an agrarian people, especially when your own god is constantly threatening you with crop failure and famine. Behind door number three are another 25 men worshipping the sun. It's all too much for god, and he declares he's going to kill every last one of them. Again some more.
Chapter 9
God, in yet another fit of uncontrollable rage, screams at Zeke to call his 6 avenging angels to come with their swords and an inkhorn. Their task is to go through the city marking righteous men and killing everybody else. As they're doing it, Zeke throws himself down on the ground and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God sighs in the way of abusers that if the people wouldn't be so damned stubborn, he wouldn't have to smite them so much. Then the angel comes back and says he's finished with his task.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Job, Chapter 1: Meet Job
Job is perfect. He has ten perfect children, a big, perfect ranch out in the countryside full of perfect camels, sheep, oxen and donkeys. He's perfectly pious, sacrificing for his own sins, plus a little bit extra in case one of his kids forgot. He's ripe for the taking, in other words.
So one day, some angels plus Satan are hanging out with god and they get to talking about Job. God brags that Job is his most righteous servant, a man who fears him and rejects evil. Satan's like, of course he loves you! You give him everything. If you took it all away, he'd curse you to your face. God: challenge accepted. The only rule is, Satan can't lay a hand on him.
One day, Job is alone when a servant approaches to say that he was plowing the fields when the Sabeans attacked and ran off with all the oxen and the donkeys. Then another servant appears and says god set fire to the sheep and some of the other field hands. Then a third servant appears and says the Chaldeans have run off with the camels and killed some more of the servants. Then a fourth servant appears to say a freak tornado came along and killed all seven of his sons, who were feasting at one of their houses. The girls apparently survived, but that's no comfort
Job rends his clothing, shaves his head, and starts to pray.
God: 1
So one day, some angels plus Satan are hanging out with god and they get to talking about Job. God brags that Job is his most righteous servant, a man who fears him and rejects evil. Satan's like, of course he loves you! You give him everything. If you took it all away, he'd curse you to your face. God: challenge accepted. The only rule is, Satan can't lay a hand on him.
One day, Job is alone when a servant approaches to say that he was plowing the fields when the Sabeans attacked and ran off with all the oxen and the donkeys. Then another servant appears and says god set fire to the sheep and some of the other field hands. Then a third servant appears and says the Chaldeans have run off with the camels and killed some more of the servants. Then a fourth servant appears to say a freak tornado came along and killed all seven of his sons, who were feasting at one of their houses. The girls apparently survived, but that's no comfort
Job rends his clothing, shaves his head, and starts to pray.
God: 1
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Esther, Chapter 3: Haman, the first persecutor of the Jews
Haman is appointed to some important post in Ahasuerus' court, and all the servants save Mordecai bow down to him. Because no human being has ever been able to mind his business for longer than 5 seconds, the other servants immediately start hassling him about it, especially since he told them he's an Israelite. They also snitch on him to Haman. You especially see this kind of behaviour between smokers and non-smokers in modern offices.
Of course, now that it has been pointed out to him, Haman has to get angry. At first he decides only to punish Mordecai, but there hasn't been a massacre now for like, 3 books, so of course Haman decides to wipe out the Israelites. He casts lots to figure out which day to start the massacre. Lots are called Pur, hence the festival of Purim.
He finally thinks to ask the king if he can start the first Holocaust, framing it in terms of There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the people in all the provinces of thy kingdom; and their laws are diverse from all people; neither keep they the king's laws: therefore it is not for the king's profit to suffer them (v. 8) which is pretty much the excuse given by every government in history to deport people it doesn't like, from Jews everywhere to Protestants in France to Muslims in modern-day Europe. The king is still distracted by his new harem of virgins, and he gives his blessing.
Finally, the day of killing arrives. Letters are sent to all the towns and villages, but the city of Shushan is perplexed.
Of course, now that it has been pointed out to him, Haman has to get angry. At first he decides only to punish Mordecai, but there hasn't been a massacre now for like, 3 books, so of course Haman decides to wipe out the Israelites. He casts lots to figure out which day to start the massacre. Lots are called Pur, hence the festival of Purim.
He finally thinks to ask the king if he can start the first Holocaust, framing it in terms of There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the people in all the provinces of thy kingdom; and their laws are diverse from all people; neither keep they the king's laws: therefore it is not for the king's profit to suffer them (v. 8) which is pretty much the excuse given by every government in history to deport people it doesn't like, from Jews everywhere to Protestants in France to Muslims in modern-day Europe. The king is still distracted by his new harem of virgins, and he gives his blessing.
Finally, the day of killing arrives. Letters are sent to all the towns and villages, but the city of Shushan is perplexed.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 19
Hezekiah, on hearing the news of the Assyrians' threats, tears his clothes. Then he sends a delegation, in sackcloth, to the prophet Isaiah, to ask him to pray to god. Isaiah tells them not to be afraid, because the Assyrians blasphemed god and god is going to take his revenge by killing the general after he goes home.
So they return and find the Assyrians fighting in Libnah. The Ethiopian (or possibly Egyptian) king arrives to help the Israelites. The Assyrian king sends a taunting message to Hezekiah telling him not to expect Jerusalem back, because he's destroyed plenty of other countries whose gods didn't help them.
Hezekiah goes to the temple and prays. God sends word back via Isaiah that he got the message, and he's happy to help. He insults the Assyrian king for awhile then threatens him. He also promises to restore Judah in 3 years' time.
Then the angel of the lord goes and kills 185 000 Assyrians in their sleep, like, they didn't have watchmen? The general escapes to Assyria, only to be killed by his sons while praying. The sons then go to Armenia.
So they return and find the Assyrians fighting in Libnah. The Ethiopian (or possibly Egyptian) king arrives to help the Israelites. The Assyrian king sends a taunting message to Hezekiah telling him not to expect Jerusalem back, because he's destroyed plenty of other countries whose gods didn't help them.
Hezekiah goes to the temple and prays. God sends word back via Isaiah that he got the message, and he's happy to help. He insults the Assyrian king for awhile then threatens him. He also promises to restore Judah in 3 years' time.
Then the angel of the lord goes and kills 185 000 Assyrians in their sleep, like, they didn't have watchmen? The general escapes to Assyria, only to be killed by his sons while praying. The sons then go to Armenia.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 17
Hoshea.
Hoshea is a bad king. Snore. When I've woken up, the Assyrians invade. He pays tribute to them, but one time he fucks up and sends a present to the Egyptian king but not the Assyrian king, so he gets locked up in prison. Yup, I like democracy better.
Assyria beseiges Israel for 3 years, then kidnaps all the Israelites and scatters them to the four winds. All of this, we are told, is punishment for worshipping Baal, and was explained back in Exodus, or Numbers or something, so they can't complain they weren't warned. Only Judah is left, even though they are no better at keeping the commandments.
As for the Assyrians, they take over Samaria, but when they don't respect god, he sends lions along to kill them. So they send for an old Israelite priest to come back and teach them god's ways. That satisfies him, even though they keep worshipping their own gods. The end.
Hoshea is a bad king. Snore. When I've woken up, the Assyrians invade. He pays tribute to them, but one time he fucks up and sends a present to the Egyptian king but not the Assyrian king, so he gets locked up in prison. Yup, I like democracy better.
Assyria beseiges Israel for 3 years, then kidnaps all the Israelites and scatters them to the four winds. All of this, we are told, is punishment for worshipping Baal, and was explained back in Exodus, or Numbers or something, so they can't complain they weren't warned. Only Judah is left, even though they are no better at keeping the commandments.
As for the Assyrians, they take over Samaria, but when they don't respect god, he sends lions along to kill them. So they send for an old Israelite priest to come back and teach them god's ways. That satisfies him, even though they keep worshipping their own gods. The end.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 15
A case of leprosy, followed by umpteen assassinations. No wonder nobody reads this book in its entirety.
Jeroboam (the same one? The third? Who knows). Is a good king, except he doesn't dismantle the altars to Baal. Is anybody surprised at this point? So god strikes him with leprosy. He has to go to a leper colony and his son takes over.
His son is worse than him, and is assassinated. Then his assassin takes over the throne. He lasts a full month before he's assassinated and his assassin takes over. Finally, someone named Menahem assassinates that king and also massacres a coastal town that refuses to let him have sea access.
Menahem is a Baal worshipper and not only that, when the Assyrian king, Pul, invades, he pays him tribute, so much that he taxes all the wealthy men fifty shekels to pay it, but at least he leaves. He dies a natural death after 10 years and his son takes over, only to be quickly dispatched by the captain of his guards, who takes over as king. Then the Assyrians attack again and captures him. During the chaos, someone assassinates him and takes over the throne.
Meanwhile, Jotham takes over in Israel. He's a sinner, but he dies a natural death. God, though, is getting tired of all this disobedience and sends the king of Syria in to invade.
Jeroboam (the same one? The third? Who knows). Is a good king, except he doesn't dismantle the altars to Baal. Is anybody surprised at this point? So god strikes him with leprosy. He has to go to a leper colony and his son takes over.
His son is worse than him, and is assassinated. Then his assassin takes over the throne. He lasts a full month before he's assassinated and his assassin takes over. Finally, someone named Menahem assassinates that king and also massacres a coastal town that refuses to let him have sea access.
Menahem is a Baal worshipper and not only that, when the Assyrian king, Pul, invades, he pays him tribute, so much that he taxes all the wealthy men fifty shekels to pay it, but at least he leaves. He dies a natural death after 10 years and his son takes over, only to be quickly dispatched by the captain of his guards, who takes over as king. Then the Assyrians attack again and captures him. During the chaos, someone assassinates him and takes over the throne.
Meanwhile, Jotham takes over in Israel. He's a sinner, but he dies a natural death. God, though, is getting tired of all this disobedience and sends the king of Syria in to invade.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 14
Snore. Another king, he worships Baal, he's assassinated, blah, blah, blah.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 12
The story of Jehoash's reign.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Monday, September 6, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 11
Incredibly, the women in these books are worse than the men.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
2 Kings, Chapter 10
It's a wonder people were still competing for the throne.
Jehu sends letters to the elders and caretakers of Ahab's 70 sons, announcing his plan to come and fight them one by one. The caretakers are afraid because he's already killed two kings. They decide to surrender and write back to that effect. Jehu writes back that the condition of surrender is that they have to bring him the heads of Ahab's sons. So they do, and send their heads in baskets.
When his presents arrive, Jehu instructs his servant to make two piles of heads. In the morning, he shows his people the heads and points out that you can't trust anybody. Then he announces that from now on, they're going to live a righteous life now that they've fulfilled god's instructions to Elisha. Then he kills all the rest of Ahab's family, friends, priests, dogwalkers and ice-cream truck delivery drivers. Then he goes home to Samaria.
On his way, he stops in a shearing house, where some of Ahazia's relatives are working. He asks who they are and they introduce themselves. Then he instructs his servants to kill all 42 of them. For those of you keeping count, that's 70 severed heads and 42 slain sheep shearers in just 14 verses.
As he's leaving, he meets someone called Jehonadab and asks him Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? (v. 15) Jehonadab says it is and Jehu invites him into the chariot so he can see his zeal for the LORD (v. 16) What does that zeal consist of? Killing more members of the house of Ahab.
Then he goes to his people and says he's now a Baal worshipper. He tells them to gather all the other followers together so they can be pagans together, but really his intent is to kill some more. He gathers them all together in a temple, then instructs his servants to give them all clothes. He then pretends to make a burnt sacrifice, and orders his guards to slaughter all the people in the temple, on pain of death should any escape. Then they tear down the temple and turn it into a toilet. For some reason, he keeps the golden calves which turned people away in the first place.
For all his effort, god promises four generations of rule by his sons. However, Jehu is no better than his predecessors at keeping to god's commandments, so god starts taking away their territory, allowing Hazeal to attack them from all sides. Jehu rules for 28 years.
Jehu sends letters to the elders and caretakers of Ahab's 70 sons, announcing his plan to come and fight them one by one. The caretakers are afraid because he's already killed two kings. They decide to surrender and write back to that effect. Jehu writes back that the condition of surrender is that they have to bring him the heads of Ahab's sons. So they do, and send their heads in baskets.
When his presents arrive, Jehu instructs his servant to make two piles of heads. In the morning, he shows his people the heads and points out that you can't trust anybody. Then he announces that from now on, they're going to live a righteous life now that they've fulfilled god's instructions to Elisha. Then he kills all the rest of Ahab's family, friends, priests, dogwalkers and ice-cream truck delivery drivers. Then he goes home to Samaria.
On his way, he stops in a shearing house, where some of Ahazia's relatives are working. He asks who they are and they introduce themselves. Then he instructs his servants to kill all 42 of them. For those of you keeping count, that's 70 severed heads and 42 slain sheep shearers in just 14 verses.
As he's leaving, he meets someone called Jehonadab and asks him Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? (v. 15) Jehonadab says it is and Jehu invites him into the chariot so he can see his zeal for the LORD (v. 16) What does that zeal consist of? Killing more members of the house of Ahab.
Then he goes to his people and says he's now a Baal worshipper. He tells them to gather all the other followers together so they can be pagans together, but really his intent is to kill some more. He gathers them all together in a temple, then instructs his servants to give them all clothes. He then pretends to make a burnt sacrifice, and orders his guards to slaughter all the people in the temple, on pain of death should any escape. Then they tear down the temple and turn it into a toilet. For some reason, he keeps the golden calves which turned people away in the first place.
For all his effort, god promises four generations of rule by his sons. However, Jehu is no better than his predecessors at keeping to god's commandments, so god starts taking away their territory, allowing Hazeal to attack them from all sides. Jehu rules for 28 years.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 9
More soap-opera tactics by the kings and Elisha.
Elisha tells one of his servants to find Jehu, son of Jehosephat, in Ramothgilead and annoint him king of Israel, then run away. So he goes, and annoints him, and instructs him to kill Ahab's entire family, especially Jezebel. Jehu leaves the room and his guards ask what the mad man wanted, proving that Punk'd is not as original as we all think. Eventually he convinces them and they run upstairs to blow trumpets announcing Jehu is king.
His first act as king is to conspire to overthrow Joram, who is in Jezreel recovering from his injuries suffered in battle with the king of Syria. He goes to Jezreel by chariot, where Ahaziah, king of Judah, is visiting Joram. A watchman spots Jehu's approach and Joram tells him to ask if Jehu's coming in peace. Jehu says he isn't an instructs him to fall in behind him. The watchman reports the messenger didn't come back. So Joram sends another, who also fails to return. We also find out that Jehu is the original crazy driver for he driveth furiously (v. 20)
Joram rather stupidly decides to go out and meet Jehu himself, so he and Ahaziah approach in their own chariots to ask if it's peace. Clearly not, you fool. Jehu responds with the ultimate yo' mama insult What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many? (v. 22) Joram, not swift with the comeback, doesn't know what to do, and whines to Ahaziah. Fortunately, Jehu kills him with an arrow to the chest. Jehu instructs his followers to cast the body into the fields.
Ahahziah, also slow on the uptake, finally flees. Jehu sends his mionions after him, and they manage to injure him severely enough that he dies later at Megiddo. He at least gets a state funeral in Jerusalem.
Jehu next turns his sights on Jezebel, who puts her make-up on - war paint, see - does her hair, and waits in the window. Jehu arrives and calls out from below Who is on my side? who? (v. 32) Two of her eunuchs throw her out the window. He tramples her with his horses, then goes inside for lunch. He then tells his servants to bury her, but when they go outside, they only find her skull, hands and feet, the dogs having eaten the rest, which, you will recall, god promised to do, in a heartening example of the biblical treatment of women.
Elisha tells one of his servants to find Jehu, son of Jehosephat, in Ramothgilead and annoint him king of Israel, then run away. So he goes, and annoints him, and instructs him to kill Ahab's entire family, especially Jezebel. Jehu leaves the room and his guards ask what the mad man wanted, proving that Punk'd is not as original as we all think. Eventually he convinces them and they run upstairs to blow trumpets announcing Jehu is king.
His first act as king is to conspire to overthrow Joram, who is in Jezreel recovering from his injuries suffered in battle with the king of Syria. He goes to Jezreel by chariot, where Ahaziah, king of Judah, is visiting Joram. A watchman spots Jehu's approach and Joram tells him to ask if Jehu's coming in peace. Jehu says he isn't an instructs him to fall in behind him. The watchman reports the messenger didn't come back. So Joram sends another, who also fails to return. We also find out that Jehu is the original crazy driver for he driveth furiously (v. 20)
Joram rather stupidly decides to go out and meet Jehu himself, so he and Ahaziah approach in their own chariots to ask if it's peace. Clearly not, you fool. Jehu responds with the ultimate yo' mama insult What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many? (v. 22) Joram, not swift with the comeback, doesn't know what to do, and whines to Ahaziah. Fortunately, Jehu kills him with an arrow to the chest. Jehu instructs his followers to cast the body into the fields.
Ahahziah, also slow on the uptake, finally flees. Jehu sends his mionions after him, and they manage to injure him severely enough that he dies later at Megiddo. He at least gets a state funeral in Jerusalem.
Jehu next turns his sights on Jezebel, who puts her make-up on - war paint, see - does her hair, and waits in the window. Jehu arrives and calls out from below Who is on my side? who? (v. 32) Two of her eunuchs throw her out the window. He tramples her with his horses, then goes inside for lunch. He then tells his servants to bury her, but when they go outside, they only find her skull, hands and feet, the dogs having eaten the rest, which, you will recall, god promised to do, in a heartening example of the biblical treatment of women.
Monday, August 30, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 7
More miraculous deeds by Elisha.
First, he predicts the commodities markets and commits a little insider trading, telling his disciples how much flour and barley are going to cost the next day. One of them questions him and he threatens to have god smote him.
Next, four lepers enter the city and try to decide whether to just sit there until they die, or to throw themselves on the mercy of the Syrians. I'm pretty sure I know what Newt Gingrich would advise. They decide in the end to beg the Syrians for some food and wander over to their camp, which has been abandoned so quickly the horses are still tied up, because god made some trumpet noises and they thought the Hitites and the Egyptians had joined the Israelites against them, which should make it obvious how easy it actually was to defeat the Syrians in those days. The lepers set to plundering the Syrian tents.
Eventually they decide that hanging out in a deserted camp is a bit creepy, so they go to the king's palace, where they tell the porter what they've just seen. The porter is sufficiently impressed to go and wake the king, who is skeptical, thinking the Syrians are trying to lure his people out of the city. He is convinced by another servant to survey the camp in a chariot. He goes out and isn't attacked so the people come and raid the camp, causing the price of flour and barley to go up (or down, it isn't clear) as Elisha predicted.
The man who questioned Elisha is trampled to death by the returning scavengers. Lovely.
First, he predicts the commodities markets and commits a little insider trading, telling his disciples how much flour and barley are going to cost the next day. One of them questions him and he threatens to have god smote him.
Next, four lepers enter the city and try to decide whether to just sit there until they die, or to throw themselves on the mercy of the Syrians. I'm pretty sure I know what Newt Gingrich would advise. They decide in the end to beg the Syrians for some food and wander over to their camp, which has been abandoned so quickly the horses are still tied up, because god made some trumpet noises and they thought the Hitites and the Egyptians had joined the Israelites against them, which should make it obvious how easy it actually was to defeat the Syrians in those days. The lepers set to plundering the Syrian tents.
Eventually they decide that hanging out in a deserted camp is a bit creepy, so they go to the king's palace, where they tell the porter what they've just seen. The porter is sufficiently impressed to go and wake the king, who is skeptical, thinking the Syrians are trying to lure his people out of the city. He is convinced by another servant to survey the camp in a chariot. He goes out and isn't attacked so the people come and raid the camp, causing the price of flour and barley to go up (or down, it isn't clear) as Elisha predicted.
The man who questioned Elisha is trampled to death by the returning scavengers. Lovely.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 2
Is this what Sarah Palin means when she talks about 'momma grizzlies'? Seriously read to the end and tell me.
Elijah is getting old and god has promised to carry him to heaven on a whirlwind. As David Plotz points out, this is the first mention of heaven and the only person who goes there on a whirlwind. I think this book was written at different times by different people and so yeah, it's inconsistent. There's some back and forth with Elisha, his apprentice, who knows Elijah's dying, even though he's not supposed to know. Elijah keeps running around the country trying to die in peace, but Elisha insists on going with him each time.
Finally, they come to the Jordan river, which Elijah smacks with his mantle so it parts, just like Moses did! Elijah tells Elisha to make a wish. Elisha asks for a double portion of his spirit, not that he's greedy or anything. Elijah says if he sees him after his death, he'll get it, but otherwise he won't. Then Elijah dies, and not only does a whirlwind appear, a horse and chariot comes, too! Ya'll, I think this might be a metaphor. I think Elijah got an elaborate funeral, possibly featuring show ponies. Elisha cries for a bit, then picks the mantle up and hits the river with it. It parts! I guess this is where the expression 'passing the mantle' comes from.
The other prophets acknowledge him as their new leader, then go looking for Elijah's body. They look for 3 days but don't find it. Then they start getting him to do tricks. First, they say the city's water sucks, so he throws some water in the river and 'heals' it. Then, as he's leaving the city, some kids start making fun of his bald head. He curses them, and two she-bears come out of the forest and kill 42 of them. Awesome! Go team god!
Now, Christian apologists will bend themselves into knots trying to say that the 'small boys' were really men up to age 40 and they deserved it and so on. Here's the thing: this didn't happen. It's a fairy tale written by a bitter bald guy to scare his mouthy kids into shutting up about his follicle issues. Or something like that. My explanation is just as good as the book's.
Elijah is getting old and god has promised to carry him to heaven on a whirlwind. As David Plotz points out, this is the first mention of heaven and the only person who goes there on a whirlwind. I think this book was written at different times by different people and so yeah, it's inconsistent. There's some back and forth with Elisha, his apprentice, who knows Elijah's dying, even though he's not supposed to know. Elijah keeps running around the country trying to die in peace, but Elisha insists on going with him each time.
Finally, they come to the Jordan river, which Elijah smacks with his mantle so it parts, just like Moses did! Elijah tells Elisha to make a wish. Elisha asks for a double portion of his spirit, not that he's greedy or anything. Elijah says if he sees him after his death, he'll get it, but otherwise he won't. Then Elijah dies, and not only does a whirlwind appear, a horse and chariot comes, too! Ya'll, I think this might be a metaphor. I think Elijah got an elaborate funeral, possibly featuring show ponies. Elisha cries for a bit, then picks the mantle up and hits the river with it. It parts! I guess this is where the expression 'passing the mantle' comes from.
The other prophets acknowledge him as their new leader, then go looking for Elijah's body. They look for 3 days but don't find it. Then they start getting him to do tricks. First, they say the city's water sucks, so he throws some water in the river and 'heals' it. Then, as he's leaving the city, some kids start making fun of his bald head. He curses them, and two she-bears come out of the forest and kill 42 of them. Awesome! Go team god!
Now, Christian apologists will bend themselves into knots trying to say that the 'small boys' were really men up to age 40 and they deserved it and so on. Here's the thing: this didn't happen. It's a fairy tale written by a bitter bald guy to scare his mouthy kids into shutting up about his follicle issues. Or something like that. My explanation is just as good as the book's.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
2 Kings Chapter 1
Well, you know what they say about sequels.
The Moabites take advantage of the chaos caused by Ahab's death and invade. This somehow causes Ahaziah to fall out a window. He asks his advisors to consult with Baalzebub, god of Ekron (a synonym of Beezlebub? who knows). Not that I blame him. God only seems to want to scold and smite these days. Of course, an angel notices and tattles to Elijah. The angel instructs him to go tell Ahaziah's messengers that he's never going to get better and he's going to die in bed. Nyah! The messengers go back with that cheerful information. Ahaziah asks who told them, and they describe Elijah as an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins (v. 8). Ahaziah immediately recognizes Elijah.
In response, Ahaziah sends 51 men to find Elijah, who is sitting on a hilltop. They command him to come with them, and Elijah responds f I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty (v. 10. So god sends fire down to consume the 51 men. Ahaziah sends another 51 men who are likewise burnt to death. The third captain has leanred his lesson and throws himself at Elijah's feet and begs him to come down. God likes this guy and tells Elijah to go with him.
Elijah arrives and tells the king exactly what he told his messengers. Then Ahab dies, and because he has no sons, Jehosephat's son Jeroham rules all of Israel.
The Moabites take advantage of the chaos caused by Ahab's death and invade. This somehow causes Ahaziah to fall out a window. He asks his advisors to consult with Baalzebub, god of Ekron (a synonym of Beezlebub? who knows). Not that I blame him. God only seems to want to scold and smite these days. Of course, an angel notices and tattles to Elijah. The angel instructs him to go tell Ahaziah's messengers that he's never going to get better and he's going to die in bed. Nyah! The messengers go back with that cheerful information. Ahaziah asks who told them, and they describe Elijah as an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins (v. 8). Ahaziah immediately recognizes Elijah.
In response, Ahaziah sends 51 men to find Elijah, who is sitting on a hilltop. They command him to come with them, and Elijah responds f I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty (v. 10. So god sends fire down to consume the 51 men. Ahaziah sends another 51 men who are likewise burnt to death. The third captain has leanred his lesson and throws himself at Elijah's feet and begs him to come down. God likes this guy and tells Elijah to go with him.
Elijah arrives and tells the king exactly what he told his messengers. Then Ahab dies, and because he has no sons, Jehosephat's son Jeroham rules all of Israel.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 21
Ahab's neighbour Naboth has a vinyard. Ahab wants it, but Naboth refuses to trade or sell it, because he inherited it and he's a twit. Anyway, rather than seize his land like any good Israelite, Ahab goes home and gets into bed and refuses to eat. What is he, a 16 year old girl? Jezebel comes in and asks him what's wrong. Jezebel promises to get the vinyard.
The first thing she does is write a letter to the elders of Naboth's tribe commanding them to have a fast and put him in a prominent place. Then two other men are to accuse him of blasphemy and stone him to death. They do as they're told and Naboth is summarily stoned to death. What an extraordinarily complicated and gruesome way to get hold of a vinyard. Has no one ever heard of expropriation?
Ahab goes to view his new vinyard and Elijah shows up like the little black raincloud he is to tell him he's going to be punished for killing Naboth, even though Jezebel set the whole thing up. He issues a bunch of threats about killing off his entire male line and taking his property and blah blah blah because every king hears this at some point in his reign and it just illustrates the adage of 'shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.' Jezebel is going to be eaten by dogs.
We are told that Ahab is the worst person ever, an insult that loses some of its strength when it's the fifth king in a row to earn the title, who worships false idols. When Ahab hears that he really is the worst, worse than every other contestant, he cries and puts on a sackcloth and prays. God sees it and softens his stance, deciding to only punish his children instead of him.
The first thing she does is write a letter to the elders of Naboth's tribe commanding them to have a fast and put him in a prominent place. Then two other men are to accuse him of blasphemy and stone him to death. They do as they're told and Naboth is summarily stoned to death. What an extraordinarily complicated and gruesome way to get hold of a vinyard. Has no one ever heard of expropriation?
Ahab goes to view his new vinyard and Elijah shows up like the little black raincloud he is to tell him he's going to be punished for killing Naboth, even though Jezebel set the whole thing up. He issues a bunch of threats about killing off his entire male line and taking his property and blah blah blah because every king hears this at some point in his reign and it just illustrates the adage of 'shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.' Jezebel is going to be eaten by dogs.
We are told that Ahab is the worst person ever, an insult that loses some of its strength when it's the fifth king in a row to earn the title, who worships false idols. When Ahab hears that he really is the worst, worse than every other contestant, he cries and puts on a sackcloth and prays. God sees it and softens his stance, deciding to only punish his children instead of him.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 20
War and death. Death and war.
Benhadad, king of Syria, makes war on Samaria. He sends Ahab a taunting letter, threatening to take away his wives and gold. Ahab is sufficiently intimidated that he surrenders his own children. Best father since Abraham! Or Jepthah. Benhadad is a bastard on the scale of David, however, and sends his servants to search the house and make sure they didn't miss anything Ahab likes.
Finally, Ahab calls his advisors together. They tell him to ignore the bully. Yeah, cuz that always works. He tells the servants to go home empty-handed and tell their boss to stop being a bully. Unfortunately, the news reaches Benhadad when he's drinking, and the Dutch courage makes him attack the Israelites. But never fear, yet another prophet tells Ahab that god will help him prevail.
Ahab drafts an army of 7000, which is still pretty high, about the same size as modern-day Latvia, but a real let-down compared to the millions in Numbers. The head for Syria, where Benhadad is drinking himself into a stupor. He instructs his scouts to take them hostage. They slay his entire army, though he manages to escape on a horse, which much have been quite the feat considering how drunk he was.
Sadly, this isn't enough, as the prophet returns and predicts that the Syrians will be back by the end of the year. The Syrian captives say they expected to win because the Israelite god is a hill god and theirs are plains gods, so they figured if they fought in the plains, they'd win. That is some shitty logic, there. They advise him to replace his noblemen with seasoned officers (exceptionally good advice that would not be followed again for centuries) and replace his army.
Sure enough, Benhadad attacks again. This time the Israelites only have to camp to drive them home. A prophet informs Ahab that the Syrians are now being told that the Israelite god works in the mountains, but not in the valleys. Silly Syrians. A hundred thousand of them die in just one day. The survivors flee into the city of Aphek, where a wall falls down and crushes 27 000 people. Benhadad escapes yet again. His officers beg him to surrender. He agrees and they go. Their captors ask for Benhadad.
Benhadad comes out all contrite and promises to restore the Israelites' territories to them.
Somewhere, in a complete non-sequitur a prophet asks his neighbour to smite him. The neighbour refuses, like any sane person, and is killed by a lion. Remember that the next time your crazy neighbour asks you to do that. The same prophet goes to another man and asks him to smite him. This one is more willing, because of the lion, and injures him. Then the prophet goes along to Ahab with ashes on his face. He hails the king, saying he was in the battle when someone handed him a captive and told him to look after him or he'd have to pay some silver as a penalty. But with this that and the other, the man managed to escape. Ahab tells him to pay the money. He wipes his face and Ahab recognizes him. He informs Ahab that he's going to be killed for letting Benhadad go back there. The king leaves for Samaria, displeased.
Benhadad, king of Syria, makes war on Samaria. He sends Ahab a taunting letter, threatening to take away his wives and gold. Ahab is sufficiently intimidated that he surrenders his own children. Best father since Abraham! Or Jepthah. Benhadad is a bastard on the scale of David, however, and sends his servants to search the house and make sure they didn't miss anything Ahab likes.
Finally, Ahab calls his advisors together. They tell him to ignore the bully. Yeah, cuz that always works. He tells the servants to go home empty-handed and tell their boss to stop being a bully. Unfortunately, the news reaches Benhadad when he's drinking, and the Dutch courage makes him attack the Israelites. But never fear, yet another prophet tells Ahab that god will help him prevail.
Ahab drafts an army of 7000, which is still pretty high, about the same size as modern-day Latvia, but a real let-down compared to the millions in Numbers. The head for Syria, where Benhadad is drinking himself into a stupor. He instructs his scouts to take them hostage. They slay his entire army, though he manages to escape on a horse, which much have been quite the feat considering how drunk he was.
Sadly, this isn't enough, as the prophet returns and predicts that the Syrians will be back by the end of the year. The Syrian captives say they expected to win because the Israelite god is a hill god and theirs are plains gods, so they figured if they fought in the plains, they'd win. That is some shitty logic, there. They advise him to replace his noblemen with seasoned officers (exceptionally good advice that would not be followed again for centuries) and replace his army.
Sure enough, Benhadad attacks again. This time the Israelites only have to camp to drive them home. A prophet informs Ahab that the Syrians are now being told that the Israelite god works in the mountains, but not in the valleys. Silly Syrians. A hundred thousand of them die in just one day. The survivors flee into the city of Aphek, where a wall falls down and crushes 27 000 people. Benhadad escapes yet again. His officers beg him to surrender. He agrees and they go. Their captors ask for Benhadad.
Benhadad comes out all contrite and promises to restore the Israelites' territories to them.
Somewhere, in a complete non-sequitur a prophet asks his neighbour to smite him. The neighbour refuses, like any sane person, and is killed by a lion. Remember that the next time your crazy neighbour asks you to do that. The same prophet goes to another man and asks him to smite him. This one is more willing, because of the lion, and injures him. Then the prophet goes along to Ahab with ashes on his face. He hails the king, saying he was in the battle when someone handed him a captive and told him to look after him or he'd have to pay some silver as a penalty. But with this that and the other, the man managed to escape. Ahab tells him to pay the money. He wipes his face and Ahab recognizes him. He informs Ahab that he's going to be killed for letting Benhadad go back there. The king leaves for Samaria, displeased.
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