A repeat of the whole Jeroboam-Rehoboam soap opera from Kings.
Chapter 10
Rehoboam asks the old and young men for advice. He takes the advice of the young men: go to war. The civil war starts with a stoning.
Chapter 11
Rehoboam builds up his defenses, and has a lot of kids, though not proportional to the number of wives. He has 18 official wives and 60 concubines, yet somehow between the seventy-eight of them, they only have twenty-eight sons and sixty daughters. They must have gone through Midol like it was candy.
Chapter 12
The king of Egypt attacks and Shemiah the prophet says it's because they disobeyed god. So they humble themselves and god decides not to destroy them, but to enslave them instead.
Chapter 13
The next king, Abijah, gets into a spat with the enemy Israelites and kills 500 000 of them. He has 14 wives and 38 children, which is better than his father, but not great.
Chapter 14
Asa, the next king, cuts down the pagan groves and kills a million Africans.
Chapter 15
Asa decides to kill all the non-believers, talk about your conversion by sword! But not his mother. She had a grove to Baal, but he only dethrones her, he doesn't kill her.
Chapter 16
Asa has some more battles. More interestingly, he gets some kind of foot disease. He gets doctors to look at it, but god gets angry. Somehow, I doubt many Christians are still following this advice, despite their great love of the verses on homosexuality.
Showing posts with label Jeroboam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeroboam. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 14
Snore. Another king, he worships Baal, he's assassinated, blah, blah, blah.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Monday, August 2, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 14
The continuing misadventures of Jeroboam and his evil twin Rehoboam.
So, Jeroboam's son is sick. He asks his wife to disguise herself and go to Ahijah the prophet in Shiloh to ask what's going to happen to him. She goes to Ahijah's house, but god gets there first and whispers in his ear that she's in disguise and he's to ask her why she did that. He tells her to go back to Jeroboam and explain that this is all punishment for not following the covenant like David did. Because David was such a prize.
He finally finally gets around to dunning Jeroboam for the golden calves. We're informed that casting false idols is the worst thing anyone's ever done ever, which says a lot considering the source. He informs the wife that god is going to destroy Jeroboam's male line and their bodies will be eaten by dogs if they live in the city and by birds if they live in the country. He then tells her to go home, telling her that when she enters her own city, her child will die. That's harsh, killing a child for his father's sins. And just a little bit petty.
God's anger still isn't spent. He also outlines his plans to throw the Israelites off their land because they dedicated poles to Asherah. All of this is Jeroboam's fault, by the way.
The wife leaves, and as predicted, as she crosses the threshold of her house, her son dies. The people mourn, and we are informed that the rest of Jeroboam's story can be found in a book called the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, which didn't quite make the final cut, thank god.
The final word on Jeroboam is that he reigned for 22 years, then died and was succeeded by his son Nadab, which causes one to ponder what all those threats were about.
Meanwhile, over in Rehoboam's kingdom, things are also not going well. The people of Judah are likewise worshipping other gods and men are sleeping with men and it's just a whole big mess. Finally, the Egyptian king comes along and steals all the gold, and Rehoboam replaces it with brass. All of Rehoboam's other deeds are recorded in the book of the kings of Judah, which, alas, also isn't in this version.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam never do make peace, and finally Rehoboam also dies and his son takes over the throne.
So, Jeroboam's son is sick. He asks his wife to disguise herself and go to Ahijah the prophet in Shiloh to ask what's going to happen to him. She goes to Ahijah's house, but god gets there first and whispers in his ear that she's in disguise and he's to ask her why she did that. He tells her to go back to Jeroboam and explain that this is all punishment for not following the covenant like David did. Because David was such a prize.
He finally finally gets around to dunning Jeroboam for the golden calves. We're informed that casting false idols is the worst thing anyone's ever done ever, which says a lot considering the source. He informs the wife that god is going to destroy Jeroboam's male line and their bodies will be eaten by dogs if they live in the city and by birds if they live in the country. He then tells her to go home, telling her that when she enters her own city, her child will die. That's harsh, killing a child for his father's sins. And just a little bit petty.
God's anger still isn't spent. He also outlines his plans to throw the Israelites off their land because they dedicated poles to Asherah. All of this is Jeroboam's fault, by the way.
The wife leaves, and as predicted, as she crosses the threshold of her house, her son dies. The people mourn, and we are informed that the rest of Jeroboam's story can be found in a book called the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, which didn't quite make the final cut, thank god.
The final word on Jeroboam is that he reigned for 22 years, then died and was succeeded by his son Nadab, which causes one to ponder what all those threats were about.
Meanwhile, over in Rehoboam's kingdom, things are also not going well. The people of Judah are likewise worshipping other gods and men are sleeping with men and it's just a whole big mess. Finally, the Egyptian king comes along and steals all the gold, and Rehoboam replaces it with brass. All of Rehoboam's other deeds are recorded in the book of the kings of Judah, which, alas, also isn't in this version.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam never do make peace, and finally Rehoboam also dies and his son takes over the throne.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 13
God sure is capricious!
Jeroboam is doing some sacrificing in Bethel when an old man approaches and prophesies that one of his descendants, Josiah will sacrifice priests on that very same altar. So much for that argument that the Israelites are somehow better than the worshippers of Baal because they don't sacrifice each other! He also predicts the destruction of the altar.
Jeroboam orders his men to capture the prophet, but as soon as he touches him, his arm shrivels up à la Bob Dole or John McCain. Then the altar falls apart. Then Jeroboam asks the prophet to ask god to restore his hand. And god does. Remember how thousands of people died after the first golden calf debacle? And now Jeroboam's arm is temporarily shrunken? God sure is inconsistent!
Jeroboam invites the man back for dinner, but he says he can't: god told him not to eat or drink until he gets home.
As he's on his way, another prophet waylays him and asks him in for dinner. He convinces the first prophet by saying an angel told him it would be okay. That convinces prophet one, who makes merry until the holy spirit takes over prophet two and informs him he's broken god's commandment. He informs him that his punishment is he won't be buried with his ancestors. The host sends the prophet away. The prophet is immediately killed by a lion, who then hangs out on the road with the body and the ass he was riding on.
Prophet two goes around like a member of The Hills cast, telling everyone who will listen that the visitor was punished by god. Of course he doesn't mention his own role in all of this.
He does feel some guilt, however, because eventually he goes and collects the body and puts it in his own mausoleum and tells his sons to put him next to the other prophet on his death.
Jeroboam, meanwhile, hasn't taken anything away from the incident. He continues to make anyone and everyone a priest, kind of like those web sites now where you can be ordained so you can perform your friends' wedding ceremonies. It is predicted that eventually this will destroy the house of Jeroboam.
Jeroboam is doing some sacrificing in Bethel when an old man approaches and prophesies that one of his descendants, Josiah will sacrifice priests on that very same altar. So much for that argument that the Israelites are somehow better than the worshippers of Baal because they don't sacrifice each other! He also predicts the destruction of the altar.
Jeroboam orders his men to capture the prophet, but as soon as he touches him, his arm shrivels up à la Bob Dole or John McCain. Then the altar falls apart. Then Jeroboam asks the prophet to ask god to restore his hand. And god does. Remember how thousands of people died after the first golden calf debacle? And now Jeroboam's arm is temporarily shrunken? God sure is inconsistent!
Jeroboam invites the man back for dinner, but he says he can't: god told him not to eat or drink until he gets home.
As he's on his way, another prophet waylays him and asks him in for dinner. He convinces the first prophet by saying an angel told him it would be okay. That convinces prophet one, who makes merry until the holy spirit takes over prophet two and informs him he's broken god's commandment. He informs him that his punishment is he won't be buried with his ancestors. The host sends the prophet away. The prophet is immediately killed by a lion, who then hangs out on the road with the body and the ass he was riding on.
Prophet two goes around like a member of The Hills cast, telling everyone who will listen that the visitor was punished by god. Of course he doesn't mention his own role in all of this.
He does feel some guilt, however, because eventually he goes and collects the body and puts it in his own mausoleum and tells his sons to put him next to the other prophet on his death.
Jeroboam, meanwhile, hasn't taken anything away from the incident. He continues to make anyone and everyone a priest, kind of like those web sites now where you can be ordained so you can perform your friends' wedding ceremonies. It is predicted that eventually this will destroy the house of Jeroboam.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
1 Kings Chapter 12
The crimes of Solomon's son Rehoboam.
Rehoboam goes to Shechem to be crowned king. Jeroboam hears about it in Egypt and comes running to plead with him to ease the forced labour Solomon has imposed on the Israelites. Rehoboam asks for a few days to think. His father's advisors promise him that if he relaxes the labour, the Israelites will become his loyal followers. However his contemporaries advise him to say his little finger is thicker than their fathers', uh, thighs. Yup, that's so what a dude would compare his little finger to. Nope, not to a dick at all. They also advise him to say he's going to add to their burdens and whip them with scorpions. Scorpions are so creepy!
When Jeroboam comes back, Rehoboam repeats his lackeys' advice, which was god's plan all along. The people renounce him as their king and go home, but the ones who live in Judah are still in Rehoboam's territory. They prove quite restful: Rehoboam sends an official out to collect taxes, whom they stone to death. Rehoboam doesn't need any more prompting and flees to Jerusalem.
The stoning was the opening salvo in a civil war. Judah stays loyal to Rehoboam, but the other tribes declare Jeroboam their king.
Rehoboam raises an army of 180 000 (the same size as the modern Greece's army), but god orders Shemaiah the holy man not to attack his brethren.
Meanwhile, Jeroboam builds some cities and worries the people's loyalty will shift back to Rehoboam if they go and worship at the temple in Jerusalem. So he goes ahead and builds two golden calves. You know, those things Aaron built that caused all those deaths back in Exodus. The people worship the calves, but god is oddly silent this time, even when Jeroboam makes non-Levites priests and makes up new holidays.
Rehoboam goes to Shechem to be crowned king. Jeroboam hears about it in Egypt and comes running to plead with him to ease the forced labour Solomon has imposed on the Israelites. Rehoboam asks for a few days to think. His father's advisors promise him that if he relaxes the labour, the Israelites will become his loyal followers. However his contemporaries advise him to say his little finger is thicker than their fathers', uh, thighs. Yup, that's so what a dude would compare his little finger to. Nope, not to a dick at all. They also advise him to say he's going to add to their burdens and whip them with scorpions. Scorpions are so creepy!
When Jeroboam comes back, Rehoboam repeats his lackeys' advice, which was god's plan all along. The people renounce him as their king and go home, but the ones who live in Judah are still in Rehoboam's territory. They prove quite restful: Rehoboam sends an official out to collect taxes, whom they stone to death. Rehoboam doesn't need any more prompting and flees to Jerusalem.
The stoning was the opening salvo in a civil war. Judah stays loyal to Rehoboam, but the other tribes declare Jeroboam their king.
Rehoboam raises an army of 180 000 (the same size as the modern Greece's army), but god orders Shemaiah the holy man not to attack his brethren.
Meanwhile, Jeroboam builds some cities and worries the people's loyalty will shift back to Rehoboam if they go and worship at the temple in Jerusalem. So he goes ahead and builds two golden calves. You know, those things Aaron built that caused all those deaths back in Exodus. The people worship the calves, but god is oddly silent this time, even when Jeroboam makes non-Levites priests and makes up new holidays.
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