Chapter 25
Amaziah becomes king and immediately kills his father's killers, but not their kids, because that would be wrong. Then he raises an army of 300 000 and hires 100 000 more mercenaries, but one of his prophets comes up to him and begs him not to take the Israelites, because god doesn't want like them. So he sends them home, but they're mighty pissy about it. Then he kills 10 000 children of Seir outright and throws another 10 000 off a cliff. Why, we don't know, but they're definitely all guilty of... something.
Meanwhile the soldiers he sent back kill and pillage 3000 people in Judah.
Back to Amaziah, who has started to worship the gods of Seir. His prophets try to warn him, but in the end he refuses to repent and kindles god's wrath. He sends word to Joash that he wants to meet with him, but Joash uses a parable about thistles, cedars and wild boars that translates to: fuck off. But they fight nonetheless and Judah is roundly defeated. Joash breaks down the walls of Jerusalem and pillages the city. Amaziah flees, but is killed anyway.
Chapter 26
Uzziah is Amaziah's 16 year old son. At first, he's great: he rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem, defeats the Philistines, and invents a cunning automatic-arrow launcher/catapult that would totally land him on the Discovery Channel if he hadn't likely borrowed it from the Romans, who are definitely not credited here.
But like all the kings in Kings, he gets too big for his breeches and does something wrong. In this case, he burns incense even though he isn't a priest. The real priests try to warn him, but he ignores them so god gives him leprosy. Beware, all you incense-burning laymen!
Chapter 27
The boring story of Jotham, a good king who rebuilds the temple, helps old ladies across the street and gives candy to children.
Chapter 28
Ahaz is everything his father wasn't: false idols, child sacrifice, burning incense! So god sends the Syrians and the Israelites to defeat him and kidnap his people. One of them kills 120 000 of his people, another kills his son and closest slaves. Then they carry off 200 000 women and children. A priest warns the Syrians not to sin, so they take the captives back to Jericho.
Meanwhile, Judah is being invaded on all sides because of Ahaz' shenanigans. He asks the king of Syria for help, but doesn't get it, because he's so bad, he's started worshipping the Syrian gods as well. Then he dies and isn't buried with his ancestors. The shame!
Showing posts with label Joash. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joash. Show all posts
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
2 Chronicles, Chapters 17-24
Chapter 17
In a nice bit of historical revisionism, Jehosephat the king suddenly removed the pagan altars. He also made an effort to teach the Torah to the people, and got lots of goodie bags from other kings.
Chapter 18
Jehosephat goes to meet his Israelite counterpart, Ahab. They have a barbecue, and as happens so often when there is too much meat, beer and testosterone in one place, they plot to overthrow the leadership of Ramothgilead. But Jehosephat is already sobering up, so he asks if maybe they should consult the prophets before going off half-cocked and starting another war. Would that George W. Bush had been so sensible.
The first 400 prophets all say the same thing: invade, because god promises a win. Also, they were all still out by the keg while the kings were discussing their invasion plans. That might not be in the text. But somehow that's still not enough to satisfy Jehosephat, he wants one more confirmation. So they seek out Micaiah, who says go, but Jehosephat keeps hounding him, asking if he's saying the whole truth, until he says he had a vision of the Israelites as sheep with no shepherd. Ahab's all 'Party foul!' But Micaiah keeps killing the buzz, saying god had all his minions lined up in front of them and one volunteered to make all the prophets lie to get Ahab to invade a country foolishly. Exactly like what happened in 2001 and 2003!
Anyway, Jehosephat is so angry at Micaiah's wrecking his party that he sends him to prison for the duration of the war. Jehosephat goes to battle in disguise but is recognized anyway. Fortunately, god remembers the groves and saves him by making his disguise even better. The evil Ahab, on the other hand, is struck between the shoulders by an arrow and dies.
Chapter 19
Jehosephat goes home and is immediately set upon by a prophet's obnoxious teenage son who tells him not to be nice to heathens because it makes god angry. He sets the court system back up and the temples.
Chapter 20
The Moabits, Ammonites and Edomites all invade, but never fear! God is here! He turns them on each other and kills them all. Then the people of Judah go and rob the corpses. Classy.
Chapter 21
Jehoram, Jehosephat's son, starts his reign off right by killing his brothers and any other potential rivals to the throne. He's evil in other ways, building temples and causing the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication (v. 11) until Elijah the prophet gets fed up and threatens him with god's wrath of disease of thy bowels until thy bowels fall out (v. 15). The Philistines and the Arabians invade and carry off his wives and children, and he does indeed die of intestinal illness.
Chapter 22
The Arabians killed all his older brothers, so Ahaziah, Jehoram's youngest son, takes over. Somehow, even though we were told that Jehoram was 40 when he died, Ahaziah is 42 already. Some infallible book this. Anyway, he takes bad advice from his mother and Ahab and is killed as a result. In vengeance, his mother kills all his heirs, which doesn't seem very well thought out. However, one of his daughters manages to save her brother and hide him while her crazy grandmother reigns for 6 years.
Chapter 23
The son, Joash, is put on the throne. His grandmother rends her clothes. She's killed outside the city walls. Then they barbecue to celebrate her death.
Chapter 24
Joash grows up, marries two women, and starts a collection to 'repair the temple.' Then they have a barbecue. Then it all goes wrong. First, Jehoida dies and Joash kills his son. Then some princes come along and tempt Joash to sin. Zechariah the priest tries to tell them it's wrong, but they stone him to death. He curses them, which causes the Syrians to invade and enslave Joash's sons. Finally his servants kill him and don't even bury him in the temple of the kings. The humanity! Amaziah takes over.
In a nice bit of historical revisionism, Jehosephat the king suddenly removed the pagan altars. He also made an effort to teach the Torah to the people, and got lots of goodie bags from other kings.
Chapter 18
Jehosephat goes to meet his Israelite counterpart, Ahab. They have a barbecue, and as happens so often when there is too much meat, beer and testosterone in one place, they plot to overthrow the leadership of Ramothgilead. But Jehosephat is already sobering up, so he asks if maybe they should consult the prophets before going off half-cocked and starting another war. Would that George W. Bush had been so sensible.
The first 400 prophets all say the same thing: invade, because god promises a win. Also, they were all still out by the keg while the kings were discussing their invasion plans. That might not be in the text. But somehow that's still not enough to satisfy Jehosephat, he wants one more confirmation. So they seek out Micaiah, who says go, but Jehosephat keeps hounding him, asking if he's saying the whole truth, until he says he had a vision of the Israelites as sheep with no shepherd. Ahab's all 'Party foul!' But Micaiah keeps killing the buzz, saying god had all his minions lined up in front of them and one volunteered to make all the prophets lie to get Ahab to invade a country foolishly. Exactly like what happened in 2001 and 2003!
Anyway, Jehosephat is so angry at Micaiah's wrecking his party that he sends him to prison for the duration of the war. Jehosephat goes to battle in disguise but is recognized anyway. Fortunately, god remembers the groves and saves him by making his disguise even better. The evil Ahab, on the other hand, is struck between the shoulders by an arrow and dies.
Chapter 19
Jehosephat goes home and is immediately set upon by a prophet's obnoxious teenage son who tells him not to be nice to heathens because it makes god angry. He sets the court system back up and the temples.
Chapter 20
The Moabits, Ammonites and Edomites all invade, but never fear! God is here! He turns them on each other and kills them all. Then the people of Judah go and rob the corpses. Classy.
Chapter 21
Jehoram, Jehosephat's son, starts his reign off right by killing his brothers and any other potential rivals to the throne. He's evil in other ways, building temples and causing the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication (v. 11) until Elijah the prophet gets fed up and threatens him with god's wrath of disease of thy bowels until thy bowels fall out (v. 15). The Philistines and the Arabians invade and carry off his wives and children, and he does indeed die of intestinal illness.
Chapter 22
The Arabians killed all his older brothers, so Ahaziah, Jehoram's youngest son, takes over. Somehow, even though we were told that Jehoram was 40 when he died, Ahaziah is 42 already. Some infallible book this. Anyway, he takes bad advice from his mother and Ahab and is killed as a result. In vengeance, his mother kills all his heirs, which doesn't seem very well thought out. However, one of his daughters manages to save her brother and hide him while her crazy grandmother reigns for 6 years.
Chapter 23
The son, Joash, is put on the throne. His grandmother rends her clothes. She's killed outside the city walls. Then they barbecue to celebrate her death.
Chapter 24
Joash grows up, marries two women, and starts a collection to 'repair the temple.' Then they have a barbecue. Then it all goes wrong. First, Jehoida dies and Joash kills his son. Then some princes come along and tempt Joash to sin. Zechariah the priest tries to tell them it's wrong, but they stone him to death. He curses them, which causes the Syrians to invade and enslave Joash's sons. Finally his servants kill him and don't even bury him in the temple of the kings. The humanity! Amaziah takes over.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 14
Snore. Another king, he worships Baal, he's assassinated, blah, blah, blah.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Amaziah is now king, for the next 29 years. He leaves the temples to Baal standing, and he kills all his servants in revenge for killing his father. He does not kill their children, because suddenly it's wrong again to punish people for the sins of their fathers. It also leaves them alive to kill you in revenge. He also kills 10 000 Edomites just because.
Then he sends a challenge letter to Jehoash. Jehoash writes a parable about a thistle and a cedar whose children get married to settle a feud, but then the thistle's daughter gets trampled by a beast. In other words: it's good you beat Edom, but you should really just stay home and savour that. But Amaziah, drunk with victory, invades anyway and gets his ass handed to him. Jehoash tears down the walls of one of his cities and raids the treasury. When Jehoash dies, his son Jeroboam takes over.
Amaziah is the victim of a palace conspiracy and is assassinated. His sixteen year old son Azariah is installed on the throne. He does some good stuff, like winning back the coast and appoints Jonah as his prophet, but he's also evil and Israel is in a bad way.
Meanwhile. Jeroboam dies and his son Zachariah rules in his stead.
Monday, September 13, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 13
At the same time as Jehoash is ruling one part of Israel, another king, Jehoahaz rises up in Samaria. Jehoahaz is a Baal-worshipper and eventually god lets the Syrians invade as punishment. He finally begs the lord for mercy, so god sets them free again, but they STILL don't reform. God also takes away Jehoahaz's army.
When he dies his son, confusingly named Jehoash, takes over. This Jehoash is evil and the civil war between the two Israels continues.
Elisha is dying. One of the Jehoashes comes to him and asks him to end the civil war and get rid of the Syrians. Elisha tells him to get a bow and arrow, then shoot out the window. Apparently, that will cause the Syrians to go away. Or at least think you're bat-shit crazy. Then he tells him to hit an arrow on the ground. He does, three times. Elisha calls him an idiot and says if he'd hit the arrow on the ground 5 or 6 times, he'd have defeated the Syrians entirely, but now some of them are going to be left over. What are the chances that no matter how many times he hit the arrow, there'd still be Syrians at the end of the day? Then Elisha dies, and doesn't go to heaven on a whirlwind.
The Moabites invade. Oh, goody. I don't think we've seen them for awhile. At one point, they stop to bury a man. It just so happens that Elisha's bones are also in that spot. When his body hits Elisha's, he gets back up, right as rain. Would that make him a zombie?
Syria continues to cause trouble, but god hasn't given up on his chosen people. He lets Jehoash win three times against them. Scene!
When he dies his son, confusingly named Jehoash, takes over. This Jehoash is evil and the civil war between the two Israels continues.
Elisha is dying. One of the Jehoashes comes to him and asks him to end the civil war and get rid of the Syrians. Elisha tells him to get a bow and arrow, then shoot out the window. Apparently, that will cause the Syrians to go away. Or at least think you're bat-shit crazy. Then he tells him to hit an arrow on the ground. He does, three times. Elisha calls him an idiot and says if he'd hit the arrow on the ground 5 or 6 times, he'd have defeated the Syrians entirely, but now some of them are going to be left over. What are the chances that no matter how many times he hit the arrow, there'd still be Syrians at the end of the day? Then Elisha dies, and doesn't go to heaven on a whirlwind.
The Moabites invade. Oh, goody. I don't think we've seen them for awhile. At one point, they stop to bury a man. It just so happens that Elisha's bones are also in that spot. When his body hits Elisha's, he gets back up, right as rain. Would that make him a zombie?
Syria continues to cause trouble, but god hasn't given up on his chosen people. He lets Jehoash win three times against them. Scene!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 12
The story of Jehoash's reign.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Jehoash is a good, righteous king, but those temples to Baal, they still haven't been shut down, despite the massacres, famines, plagues, fires and wars. Jehoash's solution is to throw money at god: he instructs his priests use all the taxes and tithing money to repair the temple. Of course they don't do it though it takes him until year 23 of his 40-year reign to notice. He asks them why. Duh, the construction industry is full of graft, even how ever long ago this is supposed to be.
So Jeohash invents the collection box. He instructs his priests to drill a hole in the lid of the chest and place it by the altar. The priests have cleaned up their act, and they give the money to the builders. Not one cent of it goes towards increasing the temple treasury. They do, however, continue to keep the sin money.
Then, in a typically biblical transition, that is to say, one verse is about how the temple repair fund is directly followed, apropos of nothing, by a chapter about the king of Syria invading again. He takes over the town of Gath. Jehoash stupidly takes all of his treasury and sends it to Hazael as a tribute. For that, his servants kill him and install his son Amaziah in his place.
Monday, September 6, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 11
Incredibly, the women in these books are worse than the men.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
Take Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, who, on hearing her son is dead, sets about killing all his remaining family members and declares herself queen. Her sister, Jehosheba, manages to spirit Ahaziah's son Joash into a bedchamber and hide him from his murderous grandmother for six years.
In the seventh year of Athaliah's reign, the priest Jehoiada brings together all the spiritual and military leaders in the temple and makes a covenant with them, then shows them Joash. He instructs the soldiers to divide into three groups and watch all the entrances to the house. Anyone who approaches with weapons is to be killed. Then they crown the boy. Their clapping attracts Athaliah's attention. She comes into the temple, sees the boy in a crown, and cries out Treason, Treason (v. 14) Jehoaida orders her taken out by the horses' entrance and run through with a sword.
Then they go again to the temple of Baal and tear it down again and kill the priest again. Then they take the boy to the palace and kill his grandmother again for good measure.
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