Chapter 14
More alliance-forming. This time Demetrius is trying to head off Tryphon, but gets kidnapped by the king of Persia. By contrast, Simon is enjoying a period of peace and sets up a welfare state. He renews the peace treaty with Rome and their pen pal relationship. To celebrate, the people make a plaque listing all his deeds, including his love of purple robes, and mount it on a temple pillar on Mount Sion. They also nominate him general for life and make it illegal to question his wisdom or wear your own purple robes. Even Demetrius is somehow able to make peace from him, though the book seems to forget that he's still in prison.
Chapter 15
Antiochus is in exile on an island, but he manages to get a letter to Simon in which he lays out his plans for revenge. In addition, he grants Simon the power to mint his own money and forgives his back taxes.
He manages to get free and goes back to reclaim his crown from Tryphon. Most of the people join his side, so Tryphon flees to a place called Dora. Antiochus besieges him and while he's waiting him out, he receives ambassadors from all of his old ally-enemies, including a gold shield that weighs a thousand pounds, which seems both stupid and impractical.
As the siege goes on, Simon tries to send reinforcements and money, but Antiochus refuses them, then sends an envoy to complain that the Jews have taken over two cities that he considers rightfully his. He wants them back along with their property taxes. Simon basically tells him to fuck off, but does offer him a small tribute. The envoy returns and repeats the conversation in a rage.
While this not so intriguing intrigue is going on outside the walls, Tryphon manages to flee by ship. Antiochus sends a raiding party to Judea while he chases after Tryphon.
Chapter 16
Simon's son John reports on the coastal raids. Simon sets his two sons, Judas and John in charge of the armed forces and sends them down the coast to fight the invaders. They go and find the invading army is in a field with a stream running through it. Their army is afraid to go across the stream until they themselves do it and show them it's safe. Judas is wounded in the ensuing fight, but John chases the raiders off and burns the survivors.
In Jericho, Ptolemeus, who I think is a new character, but there have been so many names starting with Ptole- that I have no idea, is fomenting his own rebellion. He's the high priest's son in law, if that is supposed to help, but I'm pretty sure the only marriage we've heard anything about was Cleopatra's, and she was Egyptian. Best not overthink this, I suspect, because clearly the authors haven't.
Anyway, Simon comes to visit with Judas and another of his sons, Mattathias, and Ptolemeus invites them for dinner, and when everybody's good and drunk, he kills them all, à la Macbeth. Ptolemee writes to the king for more men, and sends some of his forces to hunt for John. They manage to surprise him, but he still kills them all. His adventures will be in the next, blessedly last, book.
Showing posts with label 1 Maccabees. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1 Maccabees. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapters 12 & 13: Nepotism
Chapter 12
Jonathan has spent his time since we last saw him composing his Christmas letter to the Romans. He tells the Romans how much he loves them and about how troublesome the neighbours have been. Not that he needs their help! Nope, he has god to help him. Also, he's defeated Numenius, son of Antiochus, and someone named Antipater and he's sending them to the Romans. The Romans' Christmas letter is equally pleasant, like all Christmas letters. A sort of early Facebook, in which everyone's life is hunky-dory and better than yours.
Pretty soon after sending his letter off, Demetrius tries to invade again. He camps nearby, and the army is so intimidated it flees across a river before he can smite them, so he smites the Arabs instead. Simon is having his own adventures, but eventually the two meet again and decide to set up forts. Meanwhile someone else called Tryphon tries to conquer Antiochus, but is afraid Jonathan won't make peace with him, so rather than send envoys he takes the logical step of trying to assassinate Jonathan, which sparks another visit by Jonathan's army. Luckily, he's in a good mood today, so he just wants to exchange gifts. Tryphon manages to lure Jonathan to Ptolemais, where he captures him, then goes to Judea in triumph, which causes the neighbours to invade once again.
Chapter 13
Simon is not dead, and he hears about the troubles in Judea. He vows to avenge his brothers and the people elect him new head of the army. He sends a new Jonathan, son of Absalom, possibly the one in Kings, or possibly someone else, to Joppe.
Tryphon has been dawdling in Ptolemais this whole time, but then leaves with Jonathan, intending to invade Judea and finds Simon in charge. He sends word that he'll release Jonathan in exchange for back taxes and two of his children. Simon senses it's a trap but still sends the kids because he worries the people will revolt if they knew he could get Jonathan back but didn't. And of course, he doesn't get Jonathan, so now he's down one brother, two nephews and a hundred silver talents. And Tryphon invades.
His advance guard sends word from the wilderness that they've run out of food, and he tries to send more, but it snows. So he kills Jonathan and goes home to kill the new Antiochus and declare himself king of Asia.
Simon reburies his bones and builds seven pyramids and there's lamentation. Then he keeps going with his infrastructure project, which the bible explains to us in great detail. Then he makes peace with Demetrius in the form of red robes and gold crowns. They win Demetrius over and he forgives them their tax bill and asks them to send some courtiers.
Now there is finally peace, so Simon is declared high priest and the people set about making contracts with each other so they can sue later. But they get bored pretty quickly and invade Gaza. They ask for peace, so rather than murder them horribly, he just banishes them and throws away all their idols. Not dissimilar to modern-day Israel, really. Simon does the same for another group in a tower in Jerusalem. His final act in this chapter is to notice how amazing his son John is and make him an army general. Funny how that works.
Jonathan has spent his time since we last saw him composing his Christmas letter to the Romans. He tells the Romans how much he loves them and about how troublesome the neighbours have been. Not that he needs their help! Nope, he has god to help him. Also, he's defeated Numenius, son of Antiochus, and someone named Antipater and he's sending them to the Romans. The Romans' Christmas letter is equally pleasant, like all Christmas letters. A sort of early Facebook, in which everyone's life is hunky-dory and better than yours.
Pretty soon after sending his letter off, Demetrius tries to invade again. He camps nearby, and the army is so intimidated it flees across a river before he can smite them, so he smites the Arabs instead. Simon is having his own adventures, but eventually the two meet again and decide to set up forts. Meanwhile someone else called Tryphon tries to conquer Antiochus, but is afraid Jonathan won't make peace with him, so rather than send envoys he takes the logical step of trying to assassinate Jonathan, which sparks another visit by Jonathan's army. Luckily, he's in a good mood today, so he just wants to exchange gifts. Tryphon manages to lure Jonathan to Ptolemais, where he captures him, then goes to Judea in triumph, which causes the neighbours to invade once again.
Chapter 13
Simon is not dead, and he hears about the troubles in Judea. He vows to avenge his brothers and the people elect him new head of the army. He sends a new Jonathan, son of Absalom, possibly the one in Kings, or possibly someone else, to Joppe.
Tryphon has been dawdling in Ptolemais this whole time, but then leaves with Jonathan, intending to invade Judea and finds Simon in charge. He sends word that he'll release Jonathan in exchange for back taxes and two of his children. Simon senses it's a trap but still sends the kids because he worries the people will revolt if they knew he could get Jonathan back but didn't. And of course, he doesn't get Jonathan, so now he's down one brother, two nephews and a hundred silver talents. And Tryphon invades.
His advance guard sends word from the wilderness that they've run out of food, and he tries to send more, but it snows. So he kills Jonathan and goes home to kill the new Antiochus and declare himself king of Asia.
Simon reburies his bones and builds seven pyramids and there's lamentation. Then he keeps going with his infrastructure project, which the bible explains to us in great detail. Then he makes peace with Demetrius in the form of red robes and gold crowns. They win Demetrius over and he forgives them their tax bill and asks them to send some courtiers.
Now there is finally peace, so Simon is declared high priest and the people set about making contracts with each other so they can sue later. But they get bored pretty quickly and invade Gaza. They ask for peace, so rather than murder them horribly, he just banishes them and throws away all their idols. Not dissimilar to modern-day Israel, really. Simon does the same for another group in a tower in Jerusalem. His final act in this chapter is to notice how amazing his son John is and make him an army general. Funny how that works.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 11: War, huh, yeah, what is it good for?
The Egyptian king joins territories with Greece. He then sets up garrisons in all the towns. When he gets to Azotus, he's shown the burn temple and the rotting and burnt bodies and explain it's Jonathan's fault. He holds his tongue until he meets Jonathan in a city called Joppe. We are not privy to the contents of said meeting.
Once Ptolomee has dotted the landscape with soldiers, he starts plotting against Alexander by sending an ambassador to Demetrius and promising to give poor Cleopatra to him in exchange. Then he just goes and takes his daughter back and hands her over to her new husband, which I didn't even know you could do. Anyway, Alexander is smart enough to realise this is an act of hostility.
Ptolomee next travels to Antioch and crowns himself king of Asia and Egypt. Alexander is away dealing with a revolt, but when he hears about Ptolotmee's act, he declares war on him, but gets defeated and flees to Arabia, where the king cuts off his head and sends it to Ptolomee.
Ptolomee doesn't get to savour his victory for very long, though, because three days later he's also dead, clearing the way for Demetrius, whose life is not restful, as Jonathan has started to foment rebellion for some damned reason. He writes to Jonathan to meet him in Ptolemais. He goes, but with a full stock of gold and silver and clothing, which he uses to butter up the king. Dude, you're a king. If you want purple robes for yourself, isn't the point that you have access to the treasury so you can buy them? Anyway, Ptolemee is flattered and renews his position as high priest. Jonathan also asks to be made free from tributes to Demetrius. Demetrius agrees and writes a letter confirming.
For awhile, Demetrius has peace, so he disbands all of his armies except some foreign mercenaries, which pisses off his father's soldiers, who plot to make his kid the king. Meantime, Jonathan is also agitating to get rid of the garrison in Jerusalem. Demetrius agrees, but mentions how he needs soldiers, so Jonathan sends them 3000 men. Unfortunately, 120 000 soldiers are marching on him, but he gets wind of it and flees after sending for more help. They handily defeat 100 000 men, and then the rest surrender. Things go back to being peaceful.
The king's mental state starts deteriorating. He isn't coherent and he won't talk to Jonathan and won't reward him for his service. He leaves for Tryphon with Alexander's son Antioch, whem he crowns, and is immediately attacked.
Young Antioch writes to Jonathan to say he's still the high priest and sends him some gold and purple robes with a gold buckle. He makes Simon the head of the army. Jonathan starts on a tour and people come to supplicate him for help. Except in Gaza, which isn't very welcoming, so he invades it and burns it. Eventually they sue for peace. Then he heads for Cades, where there is another rebellion, but all his soldiers desert. He covers himself in ashes and prays, then goes off to fight alone, which causes the enemy to flee. This convinces his men to come back and kill another 3000 men.
Once Ptolomee has dotted the landscape with soldiers, he starts plotting against Alexander by sending an ambassador to Demetrius and promising to give poor Cleopatra to him in exchange. Then he just goes and takes his daughter back and hands her over to her new husband, which I didn't even know you could do. Anyway, Alexander is smart enough to realise this is an act of hostility.
Ptolomee next travels to Antioch and crowns himself king of Asia and Egypt. Alexander is away dealing with a revolt, but when he hears about Ptolotmee's act, he declares war on him, but gets defeated and flees to Arabia, where the king cuts off his head and sends it to Ptolomee.
Ptolomee doesn't get to savour his victory for very long, though, because three days later he's also dead, clearing the way for Demetrius, whose life is not restful, as Jonathan has started to foment rebellion for some damned reason. He writes to Jonathan to meet him in Ptolemais. He goes, but with a full stock of gold and silver and clothing, which he uses to butter up the king. Dude, you're a king. If you want purple robes for yourself, isn't the point that you have access to the treasury so you can buy them? Anyway, Ptolemee is flattered and renews his position as high priest. Jonathan also asks to be made free from tributes to Demetrius. Demetrius agrees and writes a letter confirming.
For awhile, Demetrius has peace, so he disbands all of his armies except some foreign mercenaries, which pisses off his father's soldiers, who plot to make his kid the king. Meantime, Jonathan is also agitating to get rid of the garrison in Jerusalem. Demetrius agrees, but mentions how he needs soldiers, so Jonathan sends them 3000 men. Unfortunately, 120 000 soldiers are marching on him, but he gets wind of it and flees after sending for more help. They handily defeat 100 000 men, and then the rest surrender. Things go back to being peaceful.
The king's mental state starts deteriorating. He isn't coherent and he won't talk to Jonathan and won't reward him for his service. He leaves for Tryphon with Alexander's son Antioch, whem he crowns, and is immediately attacked.
Young Antioch writes to Jonathan to say he's still the high priest and sends him some gold and purple robes with a gold buckle. He makes Simon the head of the army. Jonathan starts on a tour and people come to supplicate him for help. Except in Gaza, which isn't very welcoming, so he invades it and burns it. Eventually they sue for peace. Then he heads for Cades, where there is another rebellion, but all his soldiers desert. He covers himself in ashes and prays, then goes off to fight alone, which causes the enemy to flee. This convinces his men to come back and kill another 3000 men.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 10: Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground
A new Greek king, Alexander, tries to make friends with either a country or a king called Ptolemais. This causes Demetrius to seek peace with Jonathan and ask if they can also write to Ptolemais before he signs his treaty with Alexander. Also, they did some pretty evil shit to Ptolemais and his family and countrymen, and Alexander's pact might make him remember those things.
Jonathan writes back to Demetrius to ask his permission to set up an army. Then he goes to Jerusalem to hold court and collect the prisoners being held in the tower. The people are a little nervous about the whole army thing and immediately release the prisoners. Jonathan decides to settle in Jerusalem and starts rebuilding the city using square bricks in the wall. For some reason this terrifies the Greeks, who leave, along with all the other infidels, except for a few in Bethsura, because it's a refuge city.
Alexdner hears that Demetrius and Jonathan have made up, so he decides his best bet is to also cozy up to Jonathan offering him the high priest's jobs, which comes with a purple robe and a gold crown. Something tells me the Israelites would've loved Disney movies.
Jonathan accepts the clothes, but also raises an army, which makes Demetrius sad and also causes him to up his ante, freeing all the Jews from taxes and slavery, plus half of his land and seeds to plant it with. Furthermore, all Jews will be immune from prosecution for three days before and after their feasts, in addition to being free from all other persecution all the time. He also offers to employ 30 000 Jews in his civil service as well as allowing them self rule. He also forgets that just two letters ago he wanted to make peace with Ptolemais, because now he offers his land to the Israelites. He also offers 20 000 shekels in free money, plus repair expenses for the temple and the city walls.
Jonathan is not fooled and instead goes with Alexander, who then attacks Demetrius and eventually kills him. Then he makes peace with Ptolomee of Egypt, who agrees Alexander can marry his daughter either at Ptolemais the city or in Ptolemais the king's castle. The daughter is called Cleopatra, and we don't get her opinion on this.
Alexander interrupts his honeymoon to go meet Jonathan, who he invites down to meet Ptolemee. Jonathan arrives with gold and silver for the other two kings, but not poor Cleopatra. While he's gone, a rebellion forms against him in Jerusalem, but the king wins and makes a public announcement that people should stop bothering him, so the rebels leave. The king makes Jonathan a duke.
Another Demetrius takes over Crete and decides to invade. He sends an insulting letter to Jonathan, which ticks him off, so he raises an army and goes to meet him and somehow wears out his horses. The horsemen flee to a place called Azotus, but Jonathan burns the city down and then keeps burning the runaways until he's killed a total of 8000 men. He brings all the loot back to Jerusalem, which causes Alexander to send him a bucket of gold.
Jonathan writes back to Demetrius to ask his permission to set up an army. Then he goes to Jerusalem to hold court and collect the prisoners being held in the tower. The people are a little nervous about the whole army thing and immediately release the prisoners. Jonathan decides to settle in Jerusalem and starts rebuilding the city using square bricks in the wall. For some reason this terrifies the Greeks, who leave, along with all the other infidels, except for a few in Bethsura, because it's a refuge city.
Alexdner hears that Demetrius and Jonathan have made up, so he decides his best bet is to also cozy up to Jonathan offering him the high priest's jobs, which comes with a purple robe and a gold crown. Something tells me the Israelites would've loved Disney movies.
Jonathan accepts the clothes, but also raises an army, which makes Demetrius sad and also causes him to up his ante, freeing all the Jews from taxes and slavery, plus half of his land and seeds to plant it with. Furthermore, all Jews will be immune from prosecution for three days before and after their feasts, in addition to being free from all other persecution all the time. He also offers to employ 30 000 Jews in his civil service as well as allowing them self rule. He also forgets that just two letters ago he wanted to make peace with Ptolemais, because now he offers his land to the Israelites. He also offers 20 000 shekels in free money, plus repair expenses for the temple and the city walls.
Jonathan is not fooled and instead goes with Alexander, who then attacks Demetrius and eventually kills him. Then he makes peace with Ptolomee of Egypt, who agrees Alexander can marry his daughter either at Ptolemais the city or in Ptolemais the king's castle. The daughter is called Cleopatra, and we don't get her opinion on this.
Alexander interrupts his honeymoon to go meet Jonathan, who he invites down to meet Ptolemee. Jonathan arrives with gold and silver for the other two kings, but not poor Cleopatra. While he's gone, a rebellion forms against him in Jerusalem, but the king wins and makes a public announcement that people should stop bothering him, so the rebels leave. The king makes Jonathan a duke.
Another Demetrius takes over Crete and decides to invade. He sends an insulting letter to Jonathan, which ticks him off, so he raises an army and goes to meet him and somehow wears out his horses. The horsemen flee to a place called Azotus, but Jonathan burns the city down and then keeps burning the runaways until he's killed a total of 8000 men. He brings all the loot back to Jerusalem, which causes Alexander to send him a bucket of gold.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapters 8 & 9: Wedding Crashers
Chapter 8
Judas hears that the Romans are brave and people love them and are flocking to join their army and they even went to Spain one time. Oh, and they fought Antiochus with a hundred elephants and took him hostage and now he has to pay tribute to them. Also, they took his best country and gave it to another king. And they took a bunch of his army's wives and children away and spoiled them (v. 10) which I'm thinking means 'raped and murdered' as opposed to 'gave them so much ice cream they wouldn't eat anything else.'
However, the Romans are nice to their friends, and they don't have a king who dresses in purple. Instead they have a senate and a president and there is no envy among them. He likes what he hears, so Judas appoints someone named Eupolemus to be his envoy to Rome.
Eupolemus is admitted to the senate and explains his mission. The Romans like him and they send him home with a letter of alliance and promising to write to Demetrius to complain about his treatment of the Jews.
Chapter 9
Demetrius hears what happened to his last army and sends another. This time Judas' army is afraid and when the battle starts he only has 800 men. We don't know where the Romans are after their treaty. He tries to rally them, but they just want to go home. There's no real resolution, the next verse just tells us there was a fight and Judas is finally killed. His brothers bury him. Pretty quickly a new crop of evil leaders pops up. Also, and perhaps coincidentally, there's a famine, which causes revolts. The leaders blame Judas and go looking for his followers. Deservedly so, as they have gone to his brother Jonathan to complain about the lack of powerful Jewish leaders and ask him to take over.
Jonathan agrees and immediately the governor of Israel attacks him. So he heads for the wilderness, where the Greeks follow, planning to attack on the sabbath. Jonathan sends his brother John to pray with some friendly clans, but he gets kidnapped by the children of Jambri. They send word to Jonathan that one of their princes has made a great match with a Canaanite girl. So Jonathan and his friends go up into the hills to watch the wedding, then attack just as the dancing is getting going, which seems like a major faux pas, as it ruins the wedding.
Jonathan and his company go back to the wilderness and get attacked by the Greeks on the sabbath. They fight for awhile, then swim across the River Jordan after killing a thousand enemy soldiers. Bacchides, the Greek general, returns to Jerusalem and reinforces his walled cities. He also kidnaps some clan leaders' sons
As this is happening, another prominent Greek named Alcimus has the temple wall torn down. As it's happening, he's struck with a palsy and dies because his mouth is paralysed. Bacchides leaves for Greece. There's peace for two years, so Jonathan's enemies decide they've lulled him into a false sense of security and decide to bring Baccides back in a higher capacity, which leads to Jonathan killing fifty of them and going back to the wilderness.
Bacchides figures out where they are and attacks, but they leave and start smiting a new lot of people. And then they kills some more people and finally they send an ambassador to make peace. This time it's successful and Jonathan settles down to be the king.
Judas hears that the Romans are brave and people love them and are flocking to join their army and they even went to Spain one time. Oh, and they fought Antiochus with a hundred elephants and took him hostage and now he has to pay tribute to them. Also, they took his best country and gave it to another king. And they took a bunch of his army's wives and children away and spoiled them (v. 10) which I'm thinking means 'raped and murdered' as opposed to 'gave them so much ice cream they wouldn't eat anything else.'
However, the Romans are nice to their friends, and they don't have a king who dresses in purple. Instead they have a senate and a president and there is no envy among them. He likes what he hears, so Judas appoints someone named Eupolemus to be his envoy to Rome.
Eupolemus is admitted to the senate and explains his mission. The Romans like him and they send him home with a letter of alliance and promising to write to Demetrius to complain about his treatment of the Jews.
Chapter 9
Demetrius hears what happened to his last army and sends another. This time Judas' army is afraid and when the battle starts he only has 800 men. We don't know where the Romans are after their treaty. He tries to rally them, but they just want to go home. There's no real resolution, the next verse just tells us there was a fight and Judas is finally killed. His brothers bury him. Pretty quickly a new crop of evil leaders pops up. Also, and perhaps coincidentally, there's a famine, which causes revolts. The leaders blame Judas and go looking for his followers. Deservedly so, as they have gone to his brother Jonathan to complain about the lack of powerful Jewish leaders and ask him to take over.
Jonathan agrees and immediately the governor of Israel attacks him. So he heads for the wilderness, where the Greeks follow, planning to attack on the sabbath. Jonathan sends his brother John to pray with some friendly clans, but he gets kidnapped by the children of Jambri. They send word to Jonathan that one of their princes has made a great match with a Canaanite girl. So Jonathan and his friends go up into the hills to watch the wedding, then attack just as the dancing is getting going, which seems like a major faux pas, as it ruins the wedding.
Jonathan and his company go back to the wilderness and get attacked by the Greeks on the sabbath. They fight for awhile, then swim across the River Jordan after killing a thousand enemy soldiers. Bacchides, the Greek general, returns to Jerusalem and reinforces his walled cities. He also kidnaps some clan leaders' sons
As this is happening, another prominent Greek named Alcimus has the temple wall torn down. As it's happening, he's struck with a palsy and dies because his mouth is paralysed. Bacchides leaves for Greece. There's peace for two years, so Jonathan's enemies decide they've lulled him into a false sense of security and decide to bring Baccides back in a higher capacity, which leads to Jonathan killing fifty of them and going back to the wilderness.
Bacchides figures out where they are and attacks, but they leave and start smiting a new lot of people. And then they kills some more people and finally they send an ambassador to make peace. This time it's successful and Jonathan settles down to be the king.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 7: And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
Demetrius is born in Rome, but heads to the sea coast with some men to set himself up as ruler. He enters a palace his ancestors occupied and discovers that his army has brought him Antiochus and Lysias, but he isn't really interested in them, so they are killed. Only then is Demetrius crowned. And then all the wicked people of Israel come out of the woodwork.
First is someone called Alcimus, who wants to be high priest and wants to get there by spreading vicious gossip about his rivals, in this case Judas. He asks Demetrius to send an army to conquer Judas once and for all. He selects his friend Bacchides and sends him to Jerusalem with Alcimus.
This time is a little different, because Alcimus is a priest. People who don't agree with the Maccabees start joining him and he promises not to hurt them, then has seventy of them killed for heresy. Then he just leaves there bodies sitting out and everyone's too afraid to bury them. Then they go to a town called Bezeth with a bunch of prisoners, who they also kill and throw into a pit. At this point Baccides feels like his job is done, so he goes back to Demetrius, leaving Alcimus in charge.
Alcimus is still clinging to his dream of becoming high priest, and of course all the other terrible people start following him, which finally gets Judas' attention. So Judas goes and kills a bunch of the 'traitors.' Still not sure how anyone's a hero here.
Alcimus sees he can't win, so he goes crying to Demetrius again about all the ways Judas is hurting his feelings. This time, Demetrius sends a raging anti-Semite prince named Nicanor back with Alcimus. He sends a friendly letter of peace to Judas, who agrees to meet with him, but really he's planning to kidnap him. Judas hears of the plot and doesn't show. So Nicanor attacks him and loses 5000 men. The rest go to Jerusalem.
Nicanor himself heads up Mount Sion and the priests show him the burnt offerings they've been making in the king's name. He makes fun of them and says he'll burn the place down if no one brings him Judas' head on a platter. This makes the priests cry, and they pray to god to let Judas defeat Nicanor and his army for his blasphemy.
Nicanor sets up camp and so does Judas. Judas prays to god to avenge the blasphemers. Nicanor is killed in the battle and his army flees. The Israelites chase after them for a day, then kill them all. They hang Nicanor's head and right hand on the city walls, which causes the people to rejoice and declare the day a holiday.
First is someone called Alcimus, who wants to be high priest and wants to get there by spreading vicious gossip about his rivals, in this case Judas. He asks Demetrius to send an army to conquer Judas once and for all. He selects his friend Bacchides and sends him to Jerusalem with Alcimus.
This time is a little different, because Alcimus is a priest. People who don't agree with the Maccabees start joining him and he promises not to hurt them, then has seventy of them killed for heresy. Then he just leaves there bodies sitting out and everyone's too afraid to bury them. Then they go to a town called Bezeth with a bunch of prisoners, who they also kill and throw into a pit. At this point Baccides feels like his job is done, so he goes back to Demetrius, leaving Alcimus in charge.
Alcimus is still clinging to his dream of becoming high priest, and of course all the other terrible people start following him, which finally gets Judas' attention. So Judas goes and kills a bunch of the 'traitors.' Still not sure how anyone's a hero here.
Alcimus sees he can't win, so he goes crying to Demetrius again about all the ways Judas is hurting his feelings. This time, Demetrius sends a raging anti-Semite prince named Nicanor back with Alcimus. He sends a friendly letter of peace to Judas, who agrees to meet with him, but really he's planning to kidnap him. Judas hears of the plot and doesn't show. So Nicanor attacks him and loses 5000 men. The rest go to Jerusalem.
Nicanor himself heads up Mount Sion and the priests show him the burnt offerings they've been making in the king's name. He makes fun of them and says he'll burn the place down if no one brings him Judas' head on a platter. This makes the priests cry, and they pray to god to let Judas defeat Nicanor and his army for his blasphemy.
Nicanor sets up camp and so does Judas. Judas prays to god to avenge the blasphemers. Nicanor is killed in the battle and his army flees. The Israelites chase after them for a day, then kill them all. They hang Nicanor's head and right hand on the city walls, which causes the people to rejoice and declare the day a holiday.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 6: Rupturing the space-time continuum
Antiochus hears about a temple in Elymias in Persia that is filled with treasure, including some relics from his grandfather Alexander the Great. Rather than just ask for the stuff back, or offer to buy it, he of course decides to attack, but the city heard he was coming and has prepared itself. They rebuff the attack and he goes back to Babylon, where he also hears about the defeats in Judea. He goes to bed to grieve and stays there for several days, until people think he's going to die. He calls all his friends together to go over all his regrets in life, chief among them being raiding Jerusalem. He appoints his friend Philip as his heir and regent to his son Antiochus Jr. Then he dies aged 149.
Lysias - who may or may not be Philip, and who may or may not have his own son named Antiochus, sets up someone named Antiochus as the new ruler and changes his name to Eupator. Together they start locking up all the Jews they find near the temple, which causes Judas to decide to besiege Babylon. Or possibly some other place. The bible really underscores the importance of pronouns by its vagueness.
Anyway, there is a siege and some people manage to get to the king and ask him when he's going to avenge the deaths of his citizens and also advise him to give up, given how persistent and murderous these Jews have proven to be. The king gets angry at this and gathers an army of 120 000 men and 32 battle elephants. They head for Bethsura, but the locals fight back and set fire to them. Then Judas shows up, which causes the king to also come in person with even more men. And to the end they might provoke the elephants to fight, they showed them the blood of gapes and mulberries (v. 34). Then they divide the elephants up amongst the armies so that each elephant has 1000 armoured men and 500 horsemen as bodyguards. Each elephant is decked out with a wooden tower containing 32 men, not counting its trainer. Clearly whoever wrote this knew nothing about elephants. When the elephants meet Judas' army, they handily kill 600 of them.
Someone named Eleazar Savaran notices that one of the elephants is bigger than the others and better kitted out, so he surmises that it must be the king's elephant and decides to attack it. He runs towards it in the heat of battle, killing people left and right, until he kills his way to under the elephant, which he stabs in the stomach until it dies and falls on him. Somehow this scares the Jewish army into retreat, so they go back to Jerusalem with Antiochus' forces in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, they have to surrender rather quickly, because they forgot to stock up before they left. For good measure, the king also takes Bethsura and builds a fort.
Somehow, despite Judas surrendering, Antiochus still has to besiege the temple for another seven years. Eventually the food runs out there until only a few starving priests are left.
Around this time, Lysias hears that Philip is back. Another thing the bible could use: structuring words, because I never knew Philip was gone. But apparently Lysias sent him off to Persia and Media on an errand, and now he's back to reclaim the throne. He wants to make peace with the Israelites by letting them live under their own laws. This satisfies the king, and why no one just sat down and had a conversation and worked out their differences years ago is not explained. Antiochus, possibly the son of the other Antiochus, possibly Lysias' son, then goes back to Antiochia, where he finds Philip ruling, even though he was just in Israel.
Lysias - who may or may not be Philip, and who may or may not have his own son named Antiochus, sets up someone named Antiochus as the new ruler and changes his name to Eupator. Together they start locking up all the Jews they find near the temple, which causes Judas to decide to besiege Babylon. Or possibly some other place. The bible really underscores the importance of pronouns by its vagueness.
Anyway, there is a siege and some people manage to get to the king and ask him when he's going to avenge the deaths of his citizens and also advise him to give up, given how persistent and murderous these Jews have proven to be. The king gets angry at this and gathers an army of 120 000 men and 32 battle elephants. They head for Bethsura, but the locals fight back and set fire to them. Then Judas shows up, which causes the king to also come in person with even more men. And to the end they might provoke the elephants to fight, they showed them the blood of gapes and mulberries (v. 34). Then they divide the elephants up amongst the armies so that each elephant has 1000 armoured men and 500 horsemen as bodyguards. Each elephant is decked out with a wooden tower containing 32 men, not counting its trainer. Clearly whoever wrote this knew nothing about elephants. When the elephants meet Judas' army, they handily kill 600 of them.
Someone named Eleazar Savaran notices that one of the elephants is bigger than the others and better kitted out, so he surmises that it must be the king's elephant and decides to attack it. He runs towards it in the heat of battle, killing people left and right, until he kills his way to under the elephant, which he stabs in the stomach until it dies and falls on him. Somehow this scares the Jewish army into retreat, so they go back to Jerusalem with Antiochus' forces in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, they have to surrender rather quickly, because they forgot to stock up before they left. For good measure, the king also takes Bethsura and builds a fort.
Somehow, despite Judas surrendering, Antiochus still has to besiege the temple for another seven years. Eventually the food runs out there until only a few starving priests are left.
Around this time, Lysias hears that Philip is back. Another thing the bible could use: structuring words, because I never knew Philip was gone. But apparently Lysias sent him off to Persia and Media on an errand, and now he's back to reclaim the throne. He wants to make peace with the Israelites by letting them live under their own laws. This satisfies the king, and why no one just sat down and had a conversation and worked out their differences years ago is not explained. Antiochus, possibly the son of the other Antiochus, possibly Lysias' son, then goes back to Antiochia, where he finds Philip ruling, even though he was just in Israel.
Friday, January 30, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 5: Bite, bite, bite, fight, fight, fight, the Maccabee show!
The surrounding countries hear about the new altar and aren't happy about it. They invade and Judas handily defeats them. One of them is called Bean, which I'm confident is the result of foresight on the part of the translators. Judas, for his part, is done with taking prisoners and has just started burning his enemies once he defeats them. I can totally see why this guy is a hero.
After awhile, he returns to Israel, much to the discomfit of its occupants. One group, some heathens in a town called Galaad, attack the local Israelites, who shut themselves into a fort and write to Judas for help. While that letter is being read, a contingent arrives from Galilee to complain about similar attacks from their neighbours. But this time, rather than riding out with an army and burning the enemy to death, Judas decides to hold a conference to decide what to do. Eventually he tells his brother Simon to save the Galileans and rides off to Galaad with another brother called Jonathan. They leave someone named Joseph in charge of Judea, instructing him not to start any new wars until they get back.
Simon goes off to Galilee with 3000 men and somehow manages to kill 3000 heathens, whose houses he raids and whose wives and children he enslaves. Judas rides off into the wilderness for three days, where he meets with a group called the Nabathites, who tell them about the situation in Galaad, which is that the enemies are planning to attack the fort. So Judas goes into the city and kills all the men and takes all their stuff, then burns the city because he's a pyromaniac now.
That night he goes to the fort and finds more enemies in the process of attacking it. He kills another 8000 people and then goes off to kill, burn and rob all the enemy cities in celebration. He gets word that yet another army has gathered to attack and goes to meet them. He leaves the scribes behind, then goes off to fight. The enemy is afraid and runs into a temple, so Judas burns the city and the temple. Judas asks all the Israelites living nearby to come back to Judea with him. On the way, they arrive at Ephron, which they can't go over, can't go under, and can't go around, they have to go through it. He promises to do so in peace, but they won't open the gates. So Judas orders his army to pitch their tents and then they attack the city until it falls, then do their usual routine of killing, robbing and burning, which seems a lot more complicated than say, building a ring road.
When his cabal gets to Mount Sion, they have a feast and barbecue, and Simon also comes back. They sit down to discuss their exploits. A couple of army captains are listening in and decide to wage their own battle against the heathens so as to make a name for themselves. They go out and find our old friend Gorgias, then kill 2000 of his men. This sets off a whole trend of Israeites going out and attacking random foreigners. Even a group of priests attacks a city and gets its ass handed to it. This leads to Judas having to go out and do even more valiant acts to stop the other Israelites from showing off
After awhile, he returns to Israel, much to the discomfit of its occupants. One group, some heathens in a town called Galaad, attack the local Israelites, who shut themselves into a fort and write to Judas for help. While that letter is being read, a contingent arrives from Galilee to complain about similar attacks from their neighbours. But this time, rather than riding out with an army and burning the enemy to death, Judas decides to hold a conference to decide what to do. Eventually he tells his brother Simon to save the Galileans and rides off to Galaad with another brother called Jonathan. They leave someone named Joseph in charge of Judea, instructing him not to start any new wars until they get back.
Simon goes off to Galilee with 3000 men and somehow manages to kill 3000 heathens, whose houses he raids and whose wives and children he enslaves. Judas rides off into the wilderness for three days, where he meets with a group called the Nabathites, who tell them about the situation in Galaad, which is that the enemies are planning to attack the fort. So Judas goes into the city and kills all the men and takes all their stuff, then burns the city because he's a pyromaniac now.
That night he goes to the fort and finds more enemies in the process of attacking it. He kills another 8000 people and then goes off to kill, burn and rob all the enemy cities in celebration. He gets word that yet another army has gathered to attack and goes to meet them. He leaves the scribes behind, then goes off to fight. The enemy is afraid and runs into a temple, so Judas burns the city and the temple. Judas asks all the Israelites living nearby to come back to Judea with him. On the way, they arrive at Ephron, which they can't go over, can't go under, and can't go around, they have to go through it. He promises to do so in peace, but they won't open the gates. So Judas orders his army to pitch their tents and then they attack the city until it falls, then do their usual routine of killing, robbing and burning, which seems a lot more complicated than say, building a ring road.
When his cabal gets to Mount Sion, they have a feast and barbecue, and Simon also comes back. They sit down to discuss their exploits. A couple of army captains are listening in and decide to wage their own battle against the heathens so as to make a name for themselves. They go out and find our old friend Gorgias, then kill 2000 of his men. This sets off a whole trend of Israeites going out and attacking random foreigners. Even a group of priests attacks a city and gets its ass handed to it. This leads to Judas having to go out and do even more valiant acts to stop the other Israelites from showing off
Thursday, January 29, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 4: They fight, they bite, they bite and fight and bite
Someone named Gorgias sneaks out of camp with 6000 of the best soldiers, intending to attack the Jews under cover of night. Of course Judas hears about it and sneaks away with his army. Gorgias goes looking for them in the mountain, but they aren't there, either. In the morning, Judas shows up with 3000 men. The men are nervous on seeing the heathen camp, but Judas reminds them about the Red Sea and asks them to pray. Then they go to fight and chase the heathens into the field and a bunch of other places, killing 3000 in the process.
Judas returns to the camp with some spoils, but reminds the people not to be greedy and asks them to come with him for the rest. While he's speaking a bunch of Gorgias' men peek around the corner and see the Jews preparing to leave and wastefully burning their tents and realise they aren't afraid to fight. So they flee to a neutral country. Judas robs their tents.
The escaped soldiers go to Lysias and tell him what's happening, and Lysias is distressed at how poorly things are going. So he raises an army of 65 000 men, which Judas meets with his rabble of 10 000. So he prays to god to turn the army into cowards. When they fight, he kills about 5000 enemy soldiers while Lysias looks down.
Lysias is impressed by the manliness (v. 35) of the Israelite soldiers and how they're prepared to die for their cause. He goes to Antiochia and gathers an army of foreign conscripts and returns to Judea. While he's away, Judas proposes cleaning up the cemetery, but when they arrive on top of Mount Sion, the only thing they can do is weep and rend their clothing and throw ashes on their heads. So Judas appoints a company to actually do the cleaning while he goes back with the rest to fight some more.
The priests on top of the mountain get to work burying the defiled artifacts, but aren't sure of the new temple's design, so they put some stones aside until a prophet can come along and tell them what to do. They do manage to build a new altar and sanctuary as well as some new pots and candlesticks. Once they have everything in place, they decorate the building, burn some incense and sacrifice some bread and sing some songs for eight days. They like it so much they make it an annual tradition, which I think is Hanukkah, but I no longer have an annotated bible. They also build a fort in the hills.
Judas returns to the camp with some spoils, but reminds the people not to be greedy and asks them to come with him for the rest. While he's speaking a bunch of Gorgias' men peek around the corner and see the Jews preparing to leave and wastefully burning their tents and realise they aren't afraid to fight. So they flee to a neutral country. Judas robs their tents.
The escaped soldiers go to Lysias and tell him what's happening, and Lysias is distressed at how poorly things are going. So he raises an army of 65 000 men, which Judas meets with his rabble of 10 000. So he prays to god to turn the army into cowards. When they fight, he kills about 5000 enemy soldiers while Lysias looks down.
Lysias is impressed by the manliness (v. 35) of the Israelite soldiers and how they're prepared to die for their cause. He goes to Antiochia and gathers an army of foreign conscripts and returns to Judea. While he's away, Judas proposes cleaning up the cemetery, but when they arrive on top of Mount Sion, the only thing they can do is weep and rend their clothing and throw ashes on their heads. So Judas appoints a company to actually do the cleaning while he goes back with the rest to fight some more.
The priests on top of the mountain get to work burying the defiled artifacts, but aren't sure of the new temple's design, so they put some stones aside until a prophet can come along and tell them what to do. They do manage to build a new altar and sanctuary as well as some new pots and candlesticks. Once they have everything in place, they decorate the building, burn some incense and sacrifice some bread and sing some songs for eight days. They like it so much they make it an annual tradition, which I think is Hanukkah, but I no longer have an annotated bible. They also build a fort in the hills.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 3: History is written by the winners
Judas and his brothers and their father's followers happily fight a battle in Israel. Judas himself carries a great big sword that he uses to fight sinners, which makes lots of kings nervous.
Someone named Apollonius, presumably one of those kings, gathers an army to fight Judas, who meets him on the battlefield and kills him along with some of his followers. The rest run away. And now, just like the hated Alexander and his progeny, you know, the guys who took all the riches out of the temple, Judas robs his enemies.
Next a certain Seron, a Syrian general, decides to make his name by fighting Judas. Judas meets him with a small army, who immediately start bitching that they can't win since they've been fasting all day. Judas reassures them that god is on their side. So they ride out to meet Seron, who gets his ass handed to him. His army ends up going to the land of the Philistines.
Now all the neighbouring countries are afraid of Judas and even Antiochus hears about him, and he's pissed. He sends out all his armies and bribes the soldiers with a year's pay. Unfortunately, when he opens up the treasury to get the money out, he discovers there isn't much there because god has sent rebellions and plague as punishment for breaking the laws. So he decides to invade Persia to restock and leaves a nobleman named Lysias in charge. He leaves behind his son, also called Antiochus, and some elephants and asks him to take care of the Jewish problem.
Lysias sends a general called Ptolomee with 47 000 people to conquer Judas once and for all. The army camps in Emmaus, where they are promptly set upon by silver and gold merchants and people wanting to buy the Israelites as slaves. A couple of companies from Syria and Philistine also join in. Judas and his army are not intimidated, but they do pray.
All this time, Jerusalem is a ghost town and the temple is destroyed. The Israelites are forced to pray in another place called Maspha, wearing sackcloth and ashes. When they finish, Judas appoints new captains and dismisses the people who are building houses, engaged, busy with the planting, or just shit-scared. He moves the rest south of Emmaus, where they prepare to attack int he morning.
Someone named Apollonius, presumably one of those kings, gathers an army to fight Judas, who meets him on the battlefield and kills him along with some of his followers. The rest run away. And now, just like the hated Alexander and his progeny, you know, the guys who took all the riches out of the temple, Judas robs his enemies.
Next a certain Seron, a Syrian general, decides to make his name by fighting Judas. Judas meets him with a small army, who immediately start bitching that they can't win since they've been fasting all day. Judas reassures them that god is on their side. So they ride out to meet Seron, who gets his ass handed to him. His army ends up going to the land of the Philistines.
Now all the neighbouring countries are afraid of Judas and even Antiochus hears about him, and he's pissed. He sends out all his armies and bribes the soldiers with a year's pay. Unfortunately, when he opens up the treasury to get the money out, he discovers there isn't much there because god has sent rebellions and plague as punishment for breaking the laws. So he decides to invade Persia to restock and leaves a nobleman named Lysias in charge. He leaves behind his son, also called Antiochus, and some elephants and asks him to take care of the Jewish problem.
Lysias sends a general called Ptolomee with 47 000 people to conquer Judas once and for all. The army camps in Emmaus, where they are promptly set upon by silver and gold merchants and people wanting to buy the Israelites as slaves. A couple of companies from Syria and Philistine also join in. Judas and his army are not intimidated, but they do pray.
All this time, Jerusalem is a ghost town and the temple is destroyed. The Israelites are forced to pray in another place called Maspha, wearing sackcloth and ashes. When they finish, Judas appoints new captains and dismisses the people who are building houses, engaged, busy with the planting, or just shit-scared. He moves the rest south of Emmaus, where they prepare to attack int he morning.
Monday, January 26, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 2: Sacriligious sacrificing
Matthias is a priest in Jerusalem and he has 5 sons. The middle one is called Judas, and nicknamed Maccabeus, which leads me to believe he might become important later. Anyway, Matthias laments all the sinning going on in Jerusalem and he and his sons put on sackcloth.
At the same time, the king's men arrive in a city called Modin and try to make the people there sacrifice. The people go to Matthias for help. The soldiers praise Matthias and co. and ask them to make the fist sacrifice. They promise if they do, the king will like them. But Matthias refuses. As he's speaking, a Jew comes up to the altar to make a sacrilegious sacrifice, which makes Matthias' kidneys tremble, so he kills the guy right there on the sanctuary, along with the king's commissioner. For good measure, he breaks the altar. Then he shouts so all can hear Whosoever is zealous of the law, and maintaineth the covenant, let him follow me. (v. 27). Then he and his sons flee into the mountains, and some of their followers head for the wilderness.
When the king's garrison in the city finds out what happened, they go looking for Matthias' party and surround them on the sabbath day. They promise that those who agree to come back and obey the king will be pardoned, but they won't come out because it's the sabbath. So the king's men attack, but the Jews refuse to fight back, and a thousand of them die.
Matthias' group hears about this and mourns, and they all agree that if they don't fight, they'll all die. So they decide to fight, even if it's the sabbath.
Now a group of Assideans, a sort of fighting yeshiva student, shows up, along with a bunch of other refugees. They slay the sinners and the wicked, but some get away and join the heathens. So Matthias and his new army go around pulling down the altars and circumcising children and avenging themselves on sinners.
They do this for awhile, long enough for Matthias to get old. As he's dying, he passes his crusade on to his sons and tells them the story of the Old Testament again. He appoints Judas Maccabeus as the leader, then dies at age 146.
At the same time, the king's men arrive in a city called Modin and try to make the people there sacrifice. The people go to Matthias for help. The soldiers praise Matthias and co. and ask them to make the fist sacrifice. They promise if they do, the king will like them. But Matthias refuses. As he's speaking, a Jew comes up to the altar to make a sacrilegious sacrifice, which makes Matthias' kidneys tremble, so he kills the guy right there on the sanctuary, along with the king's commissioner. For good measure, he breaks the altar. Then he shouts so all can hear Whosoever is zealous of the law, and maintaineth the covenant, let him follow me. (v. 27). Then he and his sons flee into the mountains, and some of their followers head for the wilderness.
When the king's garrison in the city finds out what happened, they go looking for Matthias' party and surround them on the sabbath day. They promise that those who agree to come back and obey the king will be pardoned, but they won't come out because it's the sabbath. So the king's men attack, but the Jews refuse to fight back, and a thousand of them die.
Matthias' group hears about this and mourns, and they all agree that if they don't fight, they'll all die. So they decide to fight, even if it's the sabbath.
Now a group of Assideans, a sort of fighting yeshiva student, shows up, along with a bunch of other refugees. They slay the sinners and the wicked, but some get away and join the heathens. So Matthias and his new army go around pulling down the altars and circumcising children and avenging themselves on sinners.
They do this for awhile, long enough for Matthias to get old. As he's dying, he passes his crusade on to his sons and tells them the story of the Old Testament again. He appoints Judas Maccabeus as the leader, then dies at age 146.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
1 Maccabees, Chapter 1: Choking on my ham sandwich
Alexander the Great, king of Macedonia and eventually Greece, killed Darius, king of the Persians, among others, and started a lot of wars and stole a lot of stuff and conquered a lot of territory. Then he gets sick and it looks like he's gonna die. So he calls up his slaves and divides his holdings up among them. Each of them puts a crown on his head and tries to pass it along to his son. You can imagine how well this works out. The very worst of them is called Antiochus Epiphanes, whose father was a hostage in Rome and then the king. One of them ruled in the year 137 of the Greek calendar.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
At the same time, there are a lot of wicked people in Israel who want to make a treaty with the heathens surrounding them. Some of them go to their king, who grants them leave to make a treaty. So they build a palace of exercise (v. 14) in Jerusalem and uncircumcise themselves, which is somehow supposed to please the Greeks.
When Antiochus has occupied Israel, he decides his next conquest will be Egypt. The current Ptolemee flees, which makes victory easy. Six years later, Antiochus returns to Israel and steals all the stuff out of the temple. There's a list, even. Then he goes back to Greece and brags about all the killing he did.
This has a terrible effect on Israel, it makes the virgins feeble and turns the women ugly, which turns the grooms right off. The king lets things rest for a couple of years, but then sends his tax collectors to Jerusalem, but actually they sack the city and burn it and take all the women and children hostage, as well as the cows. Then they rebuild the city with new walls.
Antiochus writes to all of his conquered territories to say they should be one big happy family, and most of the nations sign up, including some Israelites, who stop sacrificing and start eating delicious, delicious bacon. They also fail to circumcise their kids. It helps that Antiochus sends another letter telling people that if they don't become Greek, they'll be executed.
Some of the Israelites flee into the mountains, but most of them set up idolatrous altars and start worshiping. They even burn their Torahs and make it illegal to have one. Eventually they get around to killing more people, this time including women who had their sons circumcised. The remaining Isrealites decide to give up the unclean food, thinking it's better to die than to eat a ham sandwich.
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