Chapter 23
Jesus' list of complaints about the Pharisees and prophets: hypocrites, lazy, ostentatious, lovers of fine clothing. Also, they like to be called Father or Rabbi in the public square, and only god should be called either of those. Now I wonder if there are super Christians out there who call their dads something else. But they'll get theirs in the end. Then there's a lot of ranting about swearing and temples and damning to hell.
Chapter 24
Jesus starts describing the end of the world in visceral detail. First, lots of people will claim to be Christ. Then there will be all the usual things: wars, pestilence, plague, famine. But those will only be the beginning! Believers will be tortured by non-believers, until they start to turn on each other. False prophets will promote sin and kill love. But! People who manage to endure all this will get to heaven.
When the apocalypse starts, run for the hills. But only the able-bodied young men, because woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! (v. 19) The Christian apologists are all like, 'Well, duh, it's a siege! Of course the women won't be able to run as fast as the able-bodied men! What do you expect?' These constant reminders of how much the bible just loves fetuses and little babies just warm my heart to its very cockles. Also, hope it doesn't happen in winter or on a Sabbath, because as we all remember, long journeys are prohibited then.
Other signs of the end of the world: no more sun or moon, the stars will fall out of the sky. Eventually, though, his sign will appear in the sky and some angels will swoop down and take the chosen people to heaven. All this will happen within the disciples' lifetimes. Jerry Falwell's bible experiences a system overload at this verse and comes up with: the previously lifted signs wil continue to multiply throughout the church age and reach their ultimate climax at the end of the age in the generation of those who will live to see the entire mater fulfilled in their lifetime. In other words: don't think to hard, kids.
We won't know when any of this is coming, one day you'll be tilling the fields with your friend, and he'll just... disappear into thin air. So be watchful.
Showing posts with label Prophesy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prophesy. Show all posts
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 8-14: Biblical family values
Chapter 8
God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Chapter 9
In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.
Chapter 10
In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.
Chapter 11
Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.
Chapter 12
David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.
Chapter 13
Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.
Chapter 14
After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.
God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Chapter 9
In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.
Chapter 10
In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.
Chapter 11
Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.
Chapter 12
David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.
Chapter 13
Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.
Chapter 14
After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Daniel, Chapters 10-12: Do you understand the thing?
Chapter 10
Daniel sees something true, but it will take a long time. He understands it. But we don't because he doesn't say what it is.
Whatever it is, it causes him so much grief that he doesn't eat or drink for over 3 weeks, until one day, sitting by a river, he hallucinates a very strange man. The people with him can't see the man, presumably because they've eaten in the last few days, but they can feel his presence. It scares them, so they hide. God hates an audience.
What does god need privacy to tell Daniel? Is his fly down? Does he have food in his teeth? No, it seems the Persians are going to invade, followed by the Greeks.
Chapter 11
They say Jerry Falwell died of a heart attack in his office, no doubt brought about by constantly masturbating to the book of Daniel. For example, this chapter is full of 'prophecies' about kings and treaties and wars, all of which, he claims, have come true. Of course he doesn't specify when or how, but let's just take one verse:
And in the end of years they shall join themselves together; for the king's daughter of the south shall come to the king of the north to make an agreement: but she shall not retain the power of the arm; neither shall he stand, nor his arm: but she shall be given up, and they that brought her, and he that begat her, and he that strengthened her in these times. (v. 6)
Wow. So at some point in the last 2600 years, a king has sent his daughter to make a treaty and it will all go wrong? That's some prescient shit right there.
There's a lot more predictions that mostly come down to 'In a war, one side invariably loses,' but no names or dates or locations, which makes it very easy to say that it's all come true.
Chapter 12
At the end of days, someone named Michael, who is possibly an angel, or possibly yet another Messiah, will raise a zombie army... for some reason. Daniel wants to know when he can expect this, but god is predictably vague, only promising that it will happen in the End of Days.
Daniel sees something true, but it will take a long time. He understands it. But we don't because he doesn't say what it is.
Whatever it is, it causes him so much grief that he doesn't eat or drink for over 3 weeks, until one day, sitting by a river, he hallucinates a very strange man. The people with him can't see the man, presumably because they've eaten in the last few days, but they can feel his presence. It scares them, so they hide. God hates an audience.
What does god need privacy to tell Daniel? Is his fly down? Does he have food in his teeth? No, it seems the Persians are going to invade, followed by the Greeks.
Chapter 11
They say Jerry Falwell died of a heart attack in his office, no doubt brought about by constantly masturbating to the book of Daniel. For example, this chapter is full of 'prophecies' about kings and treaties and wars, all of which, he claims, have come true. Of course he doesn't specify when or how, but let's just take one verse:
And in the end of years they shall join themselves together; for the king's daughter of the south shall come to the king of the north to make an agreement: but she shall not retain the power of the arm; neither shall he stand, nor his arm: but she shall be given up, and they that brought her, and he that begat her, and he that strengthened her in these times. (v. 6)
Wow. So at some point in the last 2600 years, a king has sent his daughter to make a treaty and it will all go wrong? That's some prescient shit right there.
There's a lot more predictions that mostly come down to 'In a war, one side invariably loses,' but no names or dates or locations, which makes it very easy to say that it's all come true.
Chapter 12
At the end of days, someone named Michael, who is possibly an angel, or possibly yet another Messiah, will raise a zombie army... for some reason. Daniel wants to know when he can expect this, but god is predictably vague, only promising that it will happen in the End of Days.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Daniel, Chapters 7-9: Daniel's Bad Trip
Chapter 7
Daniel has a dream about sea monsters with horns making war against saints until a saviour comes along and turns the tide decisively in the saints' favour, at which point a bunch of kings will come along and fight each other, until one prevails. Then he'll start a new, everlasting kingdom. Jerry Falwell just about creams his pants over this chapter, devoting nearly a page of footnotes to explaining how this chapter predicts Jesus and Revelations and End Times and the Antichrist and the Rapture and all that awesome stuff lunatics like him look forward to.
Chapter 8
Daniel has another dream, this time about a goat and a ram that fight. He doesn't get it, so an angel comes along to explain: the goat is Medo-Persia and the ram is Greece. They'll fight and eventually one ruler will prevail. Jerry continues to spin a wild-eyed story about temple schedules and the Antichrist, because he doesn't understand that if you write a second book to conveniently fit all the prophecies in your first book, that doesn't prove anything except that you read the first book.
Chapter 9
Daniel prays to god to forgive his people and let them go back to Jerusalem. Eventually a man, or possibly an archangel named Gabriel comes along and says fine, you can have Jerusalem back in 70 weeks, at which point a prince will come along and help them rebuild it. But then it'll be destroyed again in a war, and then there's a confusing bit about sacrifices and desolation. Meanwhile, Jerry's orgasm, which has been building for 3 chapters now, finally explodes into a full PAGE of commentary about how the Hebrew word for 'week' can represent up to 7 years as long as they're prophetical years and not solar years, and therefore when Jesus is killed exactly 483 years to the day (April 3, AD 33) later, it all fits perfectly. Provided you use 30 day months and skip ahead to the Book of Revelation.
Daniel has a dream about sea monsters with horns making war against saints until a saviour comes along and turns the tide decisively in the saints' favour, at which point a bunch of kings will come along and fight each other, until one prevails. Then he'll start a new, everlasting kingdom. Jerry Falwell just about creams his pants over this chapter, devoting nearly a page of footnotes to explaining how this chapter predicts Jesus and Revelations and End Times and the Antichrist and the Rapture and all that awesome stuff lunatics like him look forward to.
Chapter 8
Daniel has another dream, this time about a goat and a ram that fight. He doesn't get it, so an angel comes along to explain: the goat is Medo-Persia and the ram is Greece. They'll fight and eventually one ruler will prevail. Jerry continues to spin a wild-eyed story about temple schedules and the Antichrist, because he doesn't understand that if you write a second book to conveniently fit all the prophecies in your first book, that doesn't prove anything except that you read the first book.
Chapter 9
Daniel prays to god to forgive his people and let them go back to Jerusalem. Eventually a man, or possibly an archangel named Gabriel comes along and says fine, you can have Jerusalem back in 70 weeks, at which point a prince will come along and help them rebuild it. But then it'll be destroyed again in a war, and then there's a confusing bit about sacrifices and desolation. Meanwhile, Jerry's orgasm, which has been building for 3 chapters now, finally explodes into a full PAGE of commentary about how the Hebrew word for 'week' can represent up to 7 years as long as they're prophetical years and not solar years, and therefore when Jesus is killed exactly 483 years to the day (April 3, AD 33) later, it all fits perfectly. Provided you use 30 day months and skip ahead to the Book of Revelation.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 37-39: And if I were the king of the world, I tell you what I'd do
Chapter 37
Jeremiah gets out of prison. Then the Egyptians invade and the Babylonians run scared. God tells Jeremiah to go and tell the king that he has only allowed this series of events to lull him into a false sense of security: he's totally still going to have the Chaldeans invade and enslave them. Then he goes of to the land of Benjamin to sulk.
In Benjamin, an army captain recognises him and accuses him of acting traitorously for the Babylonians. He denies it, but is re-imprisoned nonetheless. The king orders him sent back to Jerusalem where, like a psychic phone line addict he secretly asks what god is saying now. As if there was ever going to be a change. Jeremiah repeats himself and adds a question of his own: why has he been imprisoned? He begs not to be sent back there, but the king shuts him up. He does show some mercy, ordering that Jeremiah get some bread every day.
Chapter 38
Jeremiah is still carrying on and finally one of the princes snaps and begs the king to put the prophet to death, because he's bad for morale. The king, not wanting to give away his secret obsession, hands him right over. They lower Jeremiah into a 'cistern' which I'm going to interpret as a toilet, because it's been 38 chapters of doom and gloom and he deserves at this point. Jeremiah is sinking into the uh, contents, but unfortunately a passing Ethiopian eunuch takes mercy on him and drags him out so he can prattle on for another 14 boring chapters.
Zedekiah is secretly relieved and meets Jeremiah for another illicit rendez-vous in the temple. Jeremiah is wising up and won't agree to talk until the king agrees not to execute him or give him back to the princes. And it only took immersion in a shithole to do it. Jeremiah's advice is to surrender and in exchange he and his children will live and the city will not be burnt down. Which makes me wonder if he really is in league with the Babylonians.
The king expresses some doubt about the public ridicule he'd face, but Jeremiah points out that seeing his former wives and daughters given to other men and bearing foreign children will be even more humiliating. Yup, he's in cahoots with the enemy, all right. A biblical Benedict Arnold.
The king wants to keep this little chit-chats on the downlow, because it's more exciting that way, and orders Jeremiah to lie and tell the princes he was supplicating for his release, so he does.
Chapter 39
The Babylonians invade. Zedekiah, the king, tries to flee, but is captured. All his sons are killed in front of him. He's carried off in chains and his palace is burnt to the ground before the whole city is bulldozed. The poor people are left behind and rewarded with vineyards. Jeremiah is treated well and set free.
Jeremiah gets out of prison. Then the Egyptians invade and the Babylonians run scared. God tells Jeremiah to go and tell the king that he has only allowed this series of events to lull him into a false sense of security: he's totally still going to have the Chaldeans invade and enslave them. Then he goes of to the land of Benjamin to sulk.
In Benjamin, an army captain recognises him and accuses him of acting traitorously for the Babylonians. He denies it, but is re-imprisoned nonetheless. The king orders him sent back to Jerusalem where, like a psychic phone line addict he secretly asks what god is saying now. As if there was ever going to be a change. Jeremiah repeats himself and adds a question of his own: why has he been imprisoned? He begs not to be sent back there, but the king shuts him up. He does show some mercy, ordering that Jeremiah get some bread every day.
Chapter 38
Jeremiah is still carrying on and finally one of the princes snaps and begs the king to put the prophet to death, because he's bad for morale. The king, not wanting to give away his secret obsession, hands him right over. They lower Jeremiah into a 'cistern' which I'm going to interpret as a toilet, because it's been 38 chapters of doom and gloom and he deserves at this point. Jeremiah is sinking into the uh, contents, but unfortunately a passing Ethiopian eunuch takes mercy on him and drags him out so he can prattle on for another 14 boring chapters.
Zedekiah is secretly relieved and meets Jeremiah for another illicit rendez-vous in the temple. Jeremiah is wising up and won't agree to talk until the king agrees not to execute him or give him back to the princes. And it only took immersion in a shithole to do it. Jeremiah's advice is to surrender and in exchange he and his children will live and the city will not be burnt down. Which makes me wonder if he really is in league with the Babylonians.
The king expresses some doubt about the public ridicule he'd face, but Jeremiah points out that seeing his former wives and daughters given to other men and bearing foreign children will be even more humiliating. Yup, he's in cahoots with the enemy, all right. A biblical Benedict Arnold.
The king wants to keep this little chit-chats on the downlow, because it's more exciting that way, and orders Jeremiah to lie and tell the princes he was supplicating for his release, so he does.
Chapter 39
The Babylonians invade. Zedekiah, the king, tries to flee, but is captured. All his sons are killed in front of him. He's carried off in chains and his palace is burnt to the ground before the whole city is bulldozed. The poor people are left behind and rewarded with vineyards. Jeremiah is treated well and set free.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 25-27: Singin' Joy to the World
Chapter 25
First, god is going to make the king of Babylon invade Israel and bring the people home as slaves. Then, 70 years later, he's going to punish the Babylonians, most of whom won't even have been born yet, for something he (god) did. You just can't win!
But at least they'll get to drink. Part of his cunning, nonsensical plan is to gather all the world's leaders together, including the king of the amusingly-named Buz in a primitive UN and get them all drunk to the point of puking and passing out. Maybe I'm misreading 'kings' for 'fraternities' here. Then when they're good and sloshed, he'll start stabbing them with a sword. Worse, he'll start shouting at their hungover asses and sending tornadoes around. There will be so many dead bodies, or people who look dead at least, that there won't be enough people left to bury them.
Chapter 26
Jeremiah is in the temple, ranting away as usual about destruction and Babylon and dragon donkeys and so forth, and finally the city elders get tired of it and decide to hang him for being irritating. Jeremiah rebuts that they can do what they like to him, but if they kill him, they'll have innocent blood on their hands. This, plus other stories about prophets who interceded with god and got them off the hook, spooks them and they decide not to kill him in case he turns out useful in the future. Of course he won't, though, because he already reported that god told him not to plea for mercy when he finally gets tired of talking about his wrath and gets around to executing it.
Chapter 27
Another 'miracle.' Jeremiah has to make a yoke, then go around to all the neighbourhood kings and tell them that it represents Nebuchadnezzer, king of Babylon, and they're like the oxen, his slaves. Anyone who refuses to submit will be punished with famine and plague, but those who submit will be allowed to stay on their own land. No appeals from prophets, diviners or sorcerers will be heard.
First, god is going to make the king of Babylon invade Israel and bring the people home as slaves. Then, 70 years later, he's going to punish the Babylonians, most of whom won't even have been born yet, for something he (god) did. You just can't win!
But at least they'll get to drink. Part of his cunning, nonsensical plan is to gather all the world's leaders together, including the king of the amusingly-named Buz in a primitive UN and get them all drunk to the point of puking and passing out. Maybe I'm misreading 'kings' for 'fraternities' here. Then when they're good and sloshed, he'll start stabbing them with a sword. Worse, he'll start shouting at their hungover asses and sending tornadoes around. There will be so many dead bodies, or people who look dead at least, that there won't be enough people left to bury them.
Chapter 26
Jeremiah is in the temple, ranting away as usual about destruction and Babylon and dragon donkeys and so forth, and finally the city elders get tired of it and decide to hang him for being irritating. Jeremiah rebuts that they can do what they like to him, but if they kill him, they'll have innocent blood on their hands. This, plus other stories about prophets who interceded with god and got them off the hook, spooks them and they decide not to kill him in case he turns out useful in the future. Of course he won't, though, because he already reported that god told him not to plea for mercy when he finally gets tired of talking about his wrath and gets around to executing it.
Chapter 27
Another 'miracle.' Jeremiah has to make a yoke, then go around to all the neighbourhood kings and tell them that it represents Nebuchadnezzer, king of Babylon, and they're like the oxen, his slaves. Anyone who refuses to submit will be punished with famine and plague, but those who submit will be allowed to stay on their own land. No appeals from prophets, diviners or sorcerers will be heard.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 19-21: But I helped him drink his wine
Chapter 19
The continuation of the clay pot miracle. Jeremiah has to go and get bottle, then he has to stand in front of the citizens of Jerusalem and tell them that as punishment for worshipping Baal, god is going to make them eat their children and their friends, then feed whatever's left to the birds. People who pass by will hiss at the city, probably because that was some sort of superstition, much like walking under ladders today only less sensible. Then he's to smash the pot, as if his words aren't quite convincing enough.
Chapter 20
Jeremiah's reward for his trouble is being put in the stocks by the high priest, Pashur. The next day, when Jeremiah is brought in front of him, he's unrepentant, saying his name is not Pashur, but Magormissabib (v. 3). The KJV doesn't translate this, but for what it's worth the New Living Translation says that means 'He Who Lives in Terror.' Why? Well, cleverly, god is going to terrorise him and all his friends, then send the people into captivity, then kill Pashur & co.
Next Jeremiah starts whining about how he has no friends, as people who run around telling everybody to repent before god plagues them and burns them and turns them into cannibals are wont to do. He says he tried to shut the voices up, but it didn't work. He curses the day he was born, and his parents, and wishes god had either killed him in the womb or killed both him and his mother. Of course anti-abortionists ignore this part of the chapter, because it isn't very convenient in their whole 'god is totally TOTALLY anti-abortion' narrative and focus on the part where god speaks to him in there instead.
Chapter 21
The king, Zedekiah, pleas with Jeremiah to help him out of a war with the Chaldeans, aka the Babylonians. Jeremiah replies that god has promised to kill all the Israelites by sword, then famine, then finally plague and so his hands are tied.
The continuation of the clay pot miracle. Jeremiah has to go and get bottle, then he has to stand in front of the citizens of Jerusalem and tell them that as punishment for worshipping Baal, god is going to make them eat their children and their friends, then feed whatever's left to the birds. People who pass by will hiss at the city, probably because that was some sort of superstition, much like walking under ladders today only less sensible. Then he's to smash the pot, as if his words aren't quite convincing enough.
Chapter 20
Jeremiah's reward for his trouble is being put in the stocks by the high priest, Pashur. The next day, when Jeremiah is brought in front of him, he's unrepentant, saying his name is not Pashur, but Magormissabib (v. 3). The KJV doesn't translate this, but for what it's worth the New Living Translation says that means 'He Who Lives in Terror.' Why? Well, cleverly, god is going to terrorise him and all his friends, then send the people into captivity, then kill Pashur & co.
Next Jeremiah starts whining about how he has no friends, as people who run around telling everybody to repent before god plagues them and burns them and turns them into cannibals are wont to do. He says he tried to shut the voices up, but it didn't work. He curses the day he was born, and his parents, and wishes god had either killed him in the womb or killed both him and his mother. Of course anti-abortionists ignore this part of the chapter, because it isn't very convenient in their whole 'god is totally TOTALLY anti-abortion' narrative and focus on the part where god speaks to him in there instead.
Chapter 21
The king, Zedekiah, pleas with Jeremiah to help him out of a war with the Chaldeans, aka the Babylonians. Jeremiah replies that god has promised to kill all the Israelites by sword, then famine, then finally plague and so his hands are tied.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 2 & 3: The sex lives of camels
Chapter 2
God harkens back to the honeymoon phase of his relationship with the Israelites, when they were prepared to follow him anywhere, even on pointless 40-year treks through the wilderness. But now, oh now, they've been cheating on him with other gods and nobody, not the priests, the civil servants or the prophets, even thinks about him anymore, preferring Baal. But fear not! He's got a punishment brewing.
But first, some insults. The Israelites have become harlots, chasing Baal like female camels in heat, a slutty donkey who will mate with anyone. God has tried everything to get their attention, including killing children, but they've just killed his prophets.
Then we find out that even in biblical times, women were obsessed with jewellery and bridal gowns and finding 'the one.' You can call this misogyny, but as a keen observer, if not participant in, the wedding-industrial complex that swallows up to 18 months' of North American women's free time in their 20s and 30s, it's actually totally true. But god is trying to make a broader point that if things as ephemeral as shiny baubles are unforgettable, why isn't he?
Chapter 3
Yay, double standards! If a man divorces his wife and she remarries, he won't take her back because she's damaged goods, so why should god take the Israelites back? Also, what kind of fucked-up family values did the Israelites practice? Not even Liz Taylor managed to pull that one off. He also compares them to street hookers and says that's why he hasn't sent any rain.
Then he starts calling the Israelites adulterers and then he sort of runs out of steam and tells them if they come back quietly and apologise, he'll forgive them and give them good, honest priests. He'll also give them lots of babies and convert all the other nations to Judaism. Don't hold your breath.
But no, he was just gathering his second wind, because now he's comparing the Israelites to women who leave their husbands, then promising forgiveness, then telling them how ashamed of themselves they should be. Textbook bipolar disorder.
God harkens back to the honeymoon phase of his relationship with the Israelites, when they were prepared to follow him anywhere, even on pointless 40-year treks through the wilderness. But now, oh now, they've been cheating on him with other gods and nobody, not the priests, the civil servants or the prophets, even thinks about him anymore, preferring Baal. But fear not! He's got a punishment brewing.
But first, some insults. The Israelites have become harlots, chasing Baal like female camels in heat, a slutty donkey who will mate with anyone. God has tried everything to get their attention, including killing children, but they've just killed his prophets.
Then we find out that even in biblical times, women were obsessed with jewellery and bridal gowns and finding 'the one.' You can call this misogyny, but as a keen observer, if not participant in, the wedding-industrial complex that swallows up to 18 months' of North American women's free time in their 20s and 30s, it's actually totally true. But god is trying to make a broader point that if things as ephemeral as shiny baubles are unforgettable, why isn't he?
Chapter 3
Yay, double standards! If a man divorces his wife and she remarries, he won't take her back because she's damaged goods, so why should god take the Israelites back? Also, what kind of fucked-up family values did the Israelites practice? Not even Liz Taylor managed to pull that one off. He also compares them to street hookers and says that's why he hasn't sent any rain.
Then he starts calling the Israelites adulterers and then he sort of runs out of steam and tells them if they come back quietly and apologise, he'll forgive them and give them good, honest priests. He'll also give them lots of babies and convert all the other nations to Judaism. Don't hold your breath.
But no, he was just gathering his second wind, because now he's comparing the Israelites to women who leave their husbands, then promising forgiveness, then telling them how ashamed of themselves they should be. Textbook bipolar disorder.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 62 & 63: Jerusalem electrified
Chapter 62
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 60 & 61: Would you want a king building your wall?
Chapter 60
God, in one of his manic phases, informs Jerusalem that rather than destroy the city, he's now going to reward it, mostly by turning the lights down in other places so that people will flock to it in hopes of finishing their books. Immigrants will return home with remittances and foreign kings will be enslaved as everyday bricklayers. Personally, I would not want a wall built by a former king, thank you very much. Those nations which refuse service will be destroyed.
God will then make himself so radiant that we won't need the sun or moon anymore, and then he will end sun- and moonsets. Like that form of torture where you're placed in a windowless room and they never turn the lights off! Fun! And of course everybody will be righteous and they'll have lots and lots of babies. So not so fun for the women, as cults so seldom are.
Chapter 61
God still hasn't swung back to depression, so now Isaiah informs us that he's here on earth as a saviour to the poor, brokenhearted or enslaved. Apparently Jesus will later use the first two verses in a speech and will not be accused of plagiarism. There will be goodies: the anointing oil of happiness for the widows, as well as new clothes, infrastructure repair, slaves to do the heavy farm labour, while the Israelites will get to do the easy stuff like being priests and getting rich from plundering their neighbours and stealing their lands.
God, in one of his manic phases, informs Jerusalem that rather than destroy the city, he's now going to reward it, mostly by turning the lights down in other places so that people will flock to it in hopes of finishing their books. Immigrants will return home with remittances and foreign kings will be enslaved as everyday bricklayers. Personally, I would not want a wall built by a former king, thank you very much. Those nations which refuse service will be destroyed.
God will then make himself so radiant that we won't need the sun or moon anymore, and then he will end sun- and moonsets. Like that form of torture where you're placed in a windowless room and they never turn the lights off! Fun! And of course everybody will be righteous and they'll have lots and lots of babies. So not so fun for the women, as cults so seldom are.
Chapter 61
God still hasn't swung back to depression, so now Isaiah informs us that he's here on earth as a saviour to the poor, brokenhearted or enslaved. Apparently Jesus will later use the first two verses in a speech and will not be accused of plagiarism. There will be goodies: the anointing oil of happiness for the widows, as well as new clothes, infrastructure repair, slaves to do the heavy farm labour, while the Israelites will get to do the easy stuff like being priests and getting rich from plundering their neighbours and stealing their lands.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 42 & 43: God gives birth
Chapter 42
Isaiah points out how many of his past predictions have come true, and starts listing some new ones. Guess what he's going to do? Can you guess? Okay, I'll tell you: he's going to destroy his enemies! And yes, he will wail like a woman in labour while doing so. Stop the presses! Then he's going to dry up rivers and refuse to water the plants. And then! He's going to reward the blind and deaf.
Chapter 43
God is going to drown and set fire to Israel, which is going to survive both tests. I wonder if this kind of chapter is where witch hunters got their ideas from? Then he informs the Israelites that all that punishment he gave to Egypt, Seba and Ethiopia? That was for Israelites' sins, because he likes them best. And now that all the sin has been washed away, he's going to make Israel a paradise on earth by restoring sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and building a giant fence around them.
Then god says he acts alone, and there never were nor will there ever be, another god, and beside me there is no saviour (v. 11) which would seem to directly contradict the whole second volume of this book. Then he informs us that he has destroyed the Babylonians, so there is no need for chariots, horses or weapons now. If only that one had come true.
God next tells us to forget the old and look to the future, where he is going to perform another miracle. Specifically, he's going to make owls and dragons worship him by giving them water.
Now, a couple of books ago, god said he was tired of sacrifices. But now he's complaining that the Israelites don't make sacrifices to him any more. But he's not a deity to hold grudges! Not our god! Nope, he just wants to have a long conversation with the Israelites about whether they really did sin or not. And this god, who doesn't remember past sins, reminds them that every leader he's made since Adam has failed to do right and so now he's going to destry them. Serving him must have been more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Isaiah points out how many of his past predictions have come true, and starts listing some new ones. Guess what he's going to do? Can you guess? Okay, I'll tell you: he's going to destroy his enemies! And yes, he will wail like a woman in labour while doing so. Stop the presses! Then he's going to dry up rivers and refuse to water the plants. And then! He's going to reward the blind and deaf.
Chapter 43
God is going to drown and set fire to Israel, which is going to survive both tests. I wonder if this kind of chapter is where witch hunters got their ideas from? Then he informs the Israelites that all that punishment he gave to Egypt, Seba and Ethiopia? That was for Israelites' sins, because he likes them best. And now that all the sin has been washed away, he's going to make Israel a paradise on earth by restoring sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and building a giant fence around them.
Then god says he acts alone, and there never were nor will there ever be, another god, and beside me there is no saviour (v. 11) which would seem to directly contradict the whole second volume of this book. Then he informs us that he has destroyed the Babylonians, so there is no need for chariots, horses or weapons now. If only that one had come true.
God next tells us to forget the old and look to the future, where he is going to perform another miracle. Specifically, he's going to make owls and dragons worship him by giving them water.
Now, a couple of books ago, god said he was tired of sacrifices. But now he's complaining that the Israelites don't make sacrifices to him any more. But he's not a deity to hold grudges! Not our god! Nope, he just wants to have a long conversation with the Israelites about whether they really did sin or not. And this god, who doesn't remember past sins, reminds them that every leader he's made since Adam has failed to do right and so now he's going to destry them. Serving him must have been more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 40 & 41: Isaiah chills the fuck out
Chapter 40
Isaiah mellows out for a few verses at least, no doubt still nursing his sunburn from that time he walked around in the desert naked for 3 years. He assures us that the warring is over and now god is on his way and we'll finally be able to look directly at him. But not the grass or flowers. Apparently if god breathes on them they die.
Anyway, seeing god will be amazing, but we won't know how to describe him. He's not like an idol, crafted and overlaid with gold and silver. So our indescribable god will then sit down and rule us from heaven, having removed all the princes and judges. And immediately the insecurities will start: To whom then will ye liken me, or shall I be equal? saith the Holy One. (v. 25) And the meek shall inherit the earth.
Chapter 41
Now that peace has been established, the judging can start. He'll reward the good people who helped their neighbours and built houses, and punish his enemies. He's going to give them plows so good they'll be able to thresh the mountains right down to flat earth and dig wells and irrigation so anyone who's thirsty will have water. In the interests of preventing desertification, and just to prove he can, he'll plant trees in the desert.
Then he challenges non-believers to bring their gods and idols over and prove who's got the best deity, by doing one of the following: telling us how a past prophecy turned out, making a prediction about the future, or doing something scary or amazing. What has god himself done? Well, he's going to give them a leader who will come from the north but will have a name from the east. Supposedly the leader is Cyrus, but honestly, this prophecy is so vague it could be practically anyone. Since no one said this before, god wins and the idols are false.
Isaiah mellows out for a few verses at least, no doubt still nursing his sunburn from that time he walked around in the desert naked for 3 years. He assures us that the warring is over and now god is on his way and we'll finally be able to look directly at him. But not the grass or flowers. Apparently if god breathes on them they die.
Anyway, seeing god will be amazing, but we won't know how to describe him. He's not like an idol, crafted and overlaid with gold and silver. So our indescribable god will then sit down and rule us from heaven, having removed all the princes and judges. And immediately the insecurities will start: To whom then will ye liken me, or shall I be equal? saith the Holy One. (v. 25) And the meek shall inherit the earth.
Chapter 41
Now that peace has been established, the judging can start. He'll reward the good people who helped their neighbours and built houses, and punish his enemies. He's going to give them plows so good they'll be able to thresh the mountains right down to flat earth and dig wells and irrigation so anyone who's thirsty will have water. In the interests of preventing desertification, and just to prove he can, he'll plant trees in the desert.
Then he challenges non-believers to bring their gods and idols over and prove who's got the best deity, by doing one of the following: telling us how a past prophecy turned out, making a prediction about the future, or doing something scary or amazing. What has god himself done? Well, he's going to give them a leader who will come from the north but will have a name from the east. Supposedly the leader is Cyrus, but honestly, this prophecy is so vague it could be practically anyone. Since no one said this before, god wins and the idols are false.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 35-39: Retconning Isaiah
Chapter 35
Lebanon, Carmel and Sharon, most of whom, you will remember, were supposed to be annihilated in the last chapter, are now going to blossom. God is going to come along and make deaf people hear, blind people see, lame people walk and dumb people speak which, since he invented all those things, seems only fair.
He's going to do some city beautification as well, making pools in dry areas and parks in areas currently inhabited by dragons. Then he'll build a highway that the unclean shall not pass over (v. 8) nor will lions and ravenous beasts be allowed to use it, only righteous people will use it to come home to Zion. Which is why libertarians have always been ridiculous to me.
Chapter 36-39
Now we're back in 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles because this book is not so much divinely inspired as badly copied. Specifically, we're reliving 2 Kings 18-20 and 2 Chronicles 32, neither of which was what you might call scintillating, so I'm not going to summarise them again a third time. Jerry Falwell of course, claims that these chapters are clear evidence of the fulfillment of the prophet's predictions about the Assyrian takeover of Israel.
Lebanon, Carmel and Sharon, most of whom, you will remember, were supposed to be annihilated in the last chapter, are now going to blossom. God is going to come along and make deaf people hear, blind people see, lame people walk and dumb people speak which, since he invented all those things, seems only fair.
He's going to do some city beautification as well, making pools in dry areas and parks in areas currently inhabited by dragons. Then he'll build a highway that the unclean shall not pass over (v. 8) nor will lions and ravenous beasts be allowed to use it, only righteous people will use it to come home to Zion. Which is why libertarians have always been ridiculous to me.
Chapter 36-39
Now we're back in 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles because this book is not so much divinely inspired as badly copied. Specifically, we're reliving 2 Kings 18-20 and 2 Chronicles 32, neither of which was what you might call scintillating, so I'm not going to summarise them again a third time. Jerry Falwell of course, claims that these chapters are clear evidence of the fulfillment of the prophet's predictions about the Assyrian takeover of Israel.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 33 & 34: Why there are no more dragons, unicorns or satyrs
Chapter 33
A prayer to god to be merciful whilst destroying enemies, specifically Lebanon, Sharon, Carmel and Bashan. Isaiah has so many enemies he's not even giving them their own chapters anymore, he's quadrupling up!
Their punishments: their schemes will go awry, bad breath, people consumed by fire. The last of course will terrify the people of Zion into submission. You know what really terrifies people into submission? Seeing this kind of punishment meted out to their own kind, not to the Assyrians.
Rewards for good people: going to heaven, free bread, a chance to look at the king every day. At first he'll miss his old life, but eventually he'll get used to the parties, peace and free love of Jerusalem, where people never get sick.
Chapter 34
More threats! This time it's against pretty much everybody. The slaughter will be so bad the blood will run down from the mountains. At first god is just pissed in general, but eventually he settles on Edom as the target of his wrath.
To massacre the Edomites, he's going to use his sword, yes, but also unicorns, because god is a particularly vicious 12 year old girl. Then he's going to burn everything forever and ever. Global warming is not man-made, ya'll! It will be so bad that only owls and dragons and satyrs will live there.
A prayer to god to be merciful whilst destroying enemies, specifically Lebanon, Sharon, Carmel and Bashan. Isaiah has so many enemies he's not even giving them their own chapters anymore, he's quadrupling up!
Their punishments: their schemes will go awry, bad breath, people consumed by fire. The last of course will terrify the people of Zion into submission. You know what really terrifies people into submission? Seeing this kind of punishment meted out to their own kind, not to the Assyrians.
Rewards for good people: going to heaven, free bread, a chance to look at the king every day. At first he'll miss his old life, but eventually he'll get used to the parties, peace and free love of Jerusalem, where people never get sick.
Chapter 34
More threats! This time it's against pretty much everybody. The slaughter will be so bad the blood will run down from the mountains. At first god is just pissed in general, but eventually he settles on Edom as the target of his wrath.
To massacre the Edomites, he's going to use his sword, yes, but also unicorns, because god is a particularly vicious 12 year old girl. Then he's going to burn everything forever and ever. Global warming is not man-made, ya'll! It will be so bad that only owls and dragons and satyrs will live there.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 31 & 32
Chapter 31
Isaiah's continuing campaign against hiring Egyptian mercenaries: better to turn your attention to god, who is planning some vague evil against the politicians and ambassadors. He points out that men and horses are flesh, and in a war situation it's much better to have spirits on your side than people with weapons. He compares it to shepherds attacking a lion, who just growls at them. He also says that god is like a flock of birds hovering over your city: full of shit. Okay, he doesn't say that. Methinks Isaiah was not a soldier before he became a prophet.
What should they do instead? Cast away their idols and wait for god to defeat the Assyrians.
Chapter 32
Another prophecy that has yet to come true: god is going to appoint a righteous king with just princes, as opposed to the usual rabble of inbred tits one usually finds in royal families, I suppose. They'll provide housing and public works and free glasses to the blind and hearing aids for the deaf and free schools and speech therapy.
Fools and scoundrels (read: political and military, as opposed to religious leaders) will discredit themselves through dumb speeches and welfare cuts. But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. (v. 8) Try to find a Republican who quotes that particular verse.
He even makes an appeal to women to listen to him, but only so he can tell them the grape harvest is going to fail, so what they have to do is take off their nice clothes and wear sackcloth and slap their breasts in sorrow because god is going to get smity for awhile.
But then he'll restore everything, because some years there is rain in the right amounts and at the right times and other years there is drought and if you haven't invented modern irrigation you're at the mercy of the elements, which you may start to think of as god-like and then just god. Then there will be peace for a few years, followed by more hail, becauseMother Nature god is just funny like that sometimes.
Isaiah's continuing campaign against hiring Egyptian mercenaries: better to turn your attention to god, who is planning some vague evil against the politicians and ambassadors. He points out that men and horses are flesh, and in a war situation it's much better to have spirits on your side than people with weapons. He compares it to shepherds attacking a lion, who just growls at them. He also says that god is like a flock of birds hovering over your city: full of shit. Okay, he doesn't say that. Methinks Isaiah was not a soldier before he became a prophet.
What should they do instead? Cast away their idols and wait for god to defeat the Assyrians.
Chapter 32
Another prophecy that has yet to come true: god is going to appoint a righteous king with just princes, as opposed to the usual rabble of inbred tits one usually finds in royal families, I suppose. They'll provide housing and public works and free glasses to the blind and hearing aids for the deaf and free schools and speech therapy.
Fools and scoundrels (read: political and military, as opposed to religious leaders) will discredit themselves through dumb speeches and welfare cuts. But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. (v. 8) Try to find a Republican who quotes that particular verse.
He even makes an appeal to women to listen to him, but only so he can tell them the grape harvest is going to fail, so what they have to do is take off their nice clothes and wear sackcloth and slap their breasts in sorrow because god is going to get smity for awhile.
But then he'll restore everything, because some years there is rain in the right amounts and at the right times and other years there is drought and if you haven't invented modern irrigation you're at the mercy of the elements, which you may start to think of as god-like and then just god. Then there will be peace for a few years, followed by more hail, because
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 29 & 30: Channeling Ghost
Chapter 29
Either Jerusalem changed its name, or we've wandered into a production of The Tempest because Isaiah is now cursing someone or something called Ariel, which he is going to besiege and destroy at the same time as all his other enemies. How's he going to destroy it? The usual: fires, earthquakes tempests (v. 6). It's going to be as bad as when you fall asleep hungry and then dream that you're eating and wake up still hungry and realise you forgot to go to the store but it's okay because we live in a 24/7 world and not the Bronze Age, where not having any food REALLY meant you wouldn't eat that day.
People who don't believe him are blind and drunk and listening to false prophets. To convince them, he's going to perform some wondrous works of nature that will wipe away their memories.
Never forget that god knows everything and we are as the potter's clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding? (v. 16).
Finally, god promises to do something nice instead of smiting and plaguing and burning shit down: he's going to make the crops grow in Lebanon, restore hearing to the deaf, make the blind see and make the meek and poor love him more. Politicians will be consumed. I guess this one hasn't come true yet. The point of all this? To make people who only murmured the words believe them.
Chapter 30
Threats against those who would make a treaty with Egypt: A caravan carrying money to pay for mercenaries will have to cross a desert full of lions, snakes and fiery flying serpents (v. 6) will come to nought, because you just can't trust 'em. Why? John Locke says so. Whoops! Not for another 2000 years or so. But the thesis is the same: they don't believe in your god.
More pottery imagery: he shall break it as the breaking of the potters' vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fire from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit. (v. 14) The only solution is to repent. No matter what they do otherwise, flee on horses, even swift horses, god's horses will be faster.
But when they do repent, god will be forgiving and will teach them to be better and throw away their idols like a menstruous cloth (v. 22). Seriously Isaiah is completely obsessed with the female reproductive cycle. In exchange, they'll get rain, bread and fat cows and dead enemies, in this case the Assyrians, which they will celebrate. Then he'll burn the king at the stake.
Either Jerusalem changed its name, or we've wandered into a production of The Tempest because Isaiah is now cursing someone or something called Ariel, which he is going to besiege and destroy at the same time as all his other enemies. How's he going to destroy it? The usual: fires, earthquakes tempests (v. 6). It's going to be as bad as when you fall asleep hungry and then dream that you're eating and wake up still hungry and realise you forgot to go to the store but it's okay because we live in a 24/7 world and not the Bronze Age, where not having any food REALLY meant you wouldn't eat that day.
People who don't believe him are blind and drunk and listening to false prophets. To convince them, he's going to perform some wondrous works of nature that will wipe away their memories.
Never forget that god knows everything and we are as the potter's clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding? (v. 16).
Finally, god promises to do something nice instead of smiting and plaguing and burning shit down: he's going to make the crops grow in Lebanon, restore hearing to the deaf, make the blind see and make the meek and poor love him more. Politicians will be consumed. I guess this one hasn't come true yet. The point of all this? To make people who only murmured the words believe them.
Chapter 30
Threats against those who would make a treaty with Egypt: A caravan carrying money to pay for mercenaries will have to cross a desert full of lions, snakes and fiery flying serpents (v. 6) will come to nought, because you just can't trust 'em. Why? John Locke says so. Whoops! Not for another 2000 years or so. But the thesis is the same: they don't believe in your god.
More pottery imagery: he shall break it as the breaking of the potters' vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fire from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit. (v. 14) The only solution is to repent. No matter what they do otherwise, flee on horses, even swift horses, god's horses will be faster.
But when they do repent, god will be forgiving and will teach them to be better and throw away their idols like a menstruous cloth (v. 22). Seriously Isaiah is completely obsessed with the female reproductive cycle. In exchange, they'll get rain, bread and fat cows and dead enemies, in this case the Assyrians, which they will celebrate. Then he'll burn the king at the stake.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 27 & 28: God hates dragons
Chapter 27
God takes a break from smiting the Moabites to kill Leviathan the sea dragon. In response, the Israelites are supposed sing about red wine from the vineyard god is tending because he finds it soothing. No, I'm not skipping any verses here, that's really how the transition goes. Also, I think the idea of god unwinding in his winery is cute. I wish he spent more time there.
God, speaking through Isaiah, informs us that he would burn any brambles and weeds that threatened his vineyard, though one would think that would also hurt the grapes, but he'd much rather make peace with them. But of course, god isn't really talking about viticulture, he's using a metaphor.
Then we get one of the most awkwardly-phrased sentences in the history of the genre: Hath he smitten him, as he smote those that smote him? or is he slain according to the slaughter of them that are slain by him? (v. 7), talking about Israel's enemies. Dude, there is alliteration and then there's this. Clearly thesauruses had not been invented yet. Then he starts talking about the exile and sin and destroying altars and burning down Jerusalem AGAIN and finally bringing them back.
Chapter 28
Apparently the people of Samaria drink a lot and the city has become the party capital of the Middle East. It's so fun that even the priests and prophets go there for debauchery. So naturally god destroys it with hail and floods, because he hates fun. Or maybe he's just a very zealous cleaner, because all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean (v. 8). Good to know the Jersey Shore house has a biblical precedent.
Once he has cleaned up the place, god clearly delineates who will and will not be able to sit down and study with him: people who are weaned will be accepted, those still breast-feeding will have to wait. Get them while they're young, indeed.
Wow. I had no idea that the expression here a little, and there a little (v. 10) was biblical. I thought it was something my mom said to make cleaning up my toys seem like a more manageable task.
Anyway, once god has raised his army of scholars, he'll take on the political leadership, who are, of course, a bunch of lying rogues that have all made deals with the devil. Because theocracies are always so fun to live in. How is he going to do it? Tiny House! Literally. He's going to make the beds too short and the covers to narrow. And you know he can because he spends the rest of the chapter describing his intimate knowledge of which farming implements should be used to harvest which grains.
God takes a break from smiting the Moabites to kill Leviathan the sea dragon. In response, the Israelites are supposed sing about red wine from the vineyard god is tending because he finds it soothing. No, I'm not skipping any verses here, that's really how the transition goes. Also, I think the idea of god unwinding in his winery is cute. I wish he spent more time there.
God, speaking through Isaiah, informs us that he would burn any brambles and weeds that threatened his vineyard, though one would think that would also hurt the grapes, but he'd much rather make peace with them. But of course, god isn't really talking about viticulture, he's using a metaphor.
Then we get one of the most awkwardly-phrased sentences in the history of the genre: Hath he smitten him, as he smote those that smote him? or is he slain according to the slaughter of them that are slain by him? (v. 7), talking about Israel's enemies. Dude, there is alliteration and then there's this. Clearly thesauruses had not been invented yet. Then he starts talking about the exile and sin and destroying altars and burning down Jerusalem AGAIN and finally bringing them back.
Chapter 28
Apparently the people of Samaria drink a lot and the city has become the party capital of the Middle East. It's so fun that even the priests and prophets go there for debauchery. So naturally god destroys it with hail and floods, because he hates fun. Or maybe he's just a very zealous cleaner, because all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean (v. 8). Good to know the Jersey Shore house has a biblical precedent.
Once he has cleaned up the place, god clearly delineates who will and will not be able to sit down and study with him: people who are weaned will be accepted, those still breast-feeding will have to wait. Get them while they're young, indeed.
Wow. I had no idea that the expression here a little, and there a little (v. 10) was biblical. I thought it was something my mom said to make cleaning up my toys seem like a more manageable task.
Anyway, once god has raised his army of scholars, he'll take on the political leadership, who are, of course, a bunch of lying rogues that have all made deals with the devil. Because theocracies are always so fun to live in. How is he going to do it? Tiny House! Literally. He's going to make the beds too short and the covers to narrow. And you know he can because he spends the rest of the chapter describing his intimate knowledge of which farming implements should be used to harvest which grains.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 23 & 24: What? You thought predicting the apocalypse was a new thing?
Chapter 23
Tyre, a great trading port in Syria, is doomed to flooding so severe not a building will remain. Other countries, their trading revenue dried up, will howl at the thought of the priestly class taking over the economy as well, because among the many things priests are not good at is economics, which they regard as prostitution.
The people of Sidon are also doomed to wander the earth in exile, BTW.
Chapter 24
Isaiah predicts the apocalypse, and oddly it's not that different from what Harold Camping said would happen: since god promised not to flood the earth again, but never said anything about burning it, this time he's going to follow a scorched-earth policy, then scatter the people all about. Why? Because we haven't been obeying the laws.
Then Isaiah predicts Prohibition: the grapes will wither on the vine, the beer will go sour, and all the parties will stop. People will 'hide' in their 'houses,' which I'm just going to assume is code for 'drink' in 'speakeasies.'
Then, then, when there is nothing else to do and no way to drown their sorrows, They shall lift up their voice, they shall sing for the majesty of the LORD (v. 14) which first of all: BWA HA HA HA! as if in the entire history of banning vices the result has been a 'turning back to god.' Second, how pathetic is your religion that the only way to get people to pay attention is to take away every other source of amusement?
When even that fails, god will get even more dramatic, causing earthquakes. Then he'll arrest all the other gods and the kings (but not, you will note, the priests)and put them in prison. Then the sun and moon will fade and god will rule over the earth. The scorched, ruined, teetotalling earth. Sounds like a blast.
Tyre, a great trading port in Syria, is doomed to flooding so severe not a building will remain. Other countries, their trading revenue dried up, will howl at the thought of the priestly class taking over the economy as well, because among the many things priests are not good at is economics, which they regard as prostitution.
The people of Sidon are also doomed to wander the earth in exile, BTW.
Chapter 24
Isaiah predicts the apocalypse, and oddly it's not that different from what Harold Camping said would happen: since god promised not to flood the earth again, but never said anything about burning it, this time he's going to follow a scorched-earth policy, then scatter the people all about. Why? Because we haven't been obeying the laws.
Then Isaiah predicts Prohibition: the grapes will wither on the vine, the beer will go sour, and all the parties will stop. People will 'hide' in their 'houses,' which I'm just going to assume is code for 'drink' in 'speakeasies.'
Then, then, when there is nothing else to do and no way to drown their sorrows, They shall lift up their voice, they shall sing for the majesty of the LORD (v. 14) which first of all: BWA HA HA HA! as if in the entire history of banning vices the result has been a 'turning back to god.' Second, how pathetic is your religion that the only way to get people to pay attention is to take away every other source of amusement?
When even that fails, god will get even more dramatic, causing earthquakes. Then he'll arrest all the other gods and the kings (but not, you will note, the priests)and put them in prison. Then the sun and moon will fade and god will rule over the earth. The scorched, ruined, teetotalling earth. Sounds like a blast.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 21 & 22: The world is still here
Chapter 21
The fate of the desert of the sea (v. 1), or Babylon: the Elamites and Mediaites will attack. This information makes Isaiah's body hurt like a woman in labour. Or a man who wandered around in the fucking desert for 3 years without so much as a sandal-strap.
He tries to warn them, but they just ignore him, like you would anyone who emerged naked from the desert claiming to have been burnt in the face by an angel. He says god told him to tell them to set up a watchman, who should be especially alert for chariots or people arriving on donkeys or camels. Um, what else does one have a lookout for, if not to spot people arriving in chariots or mounted on something?
Finally, the guard does say that he sees something: a couple of guys in a chariot, who declare that Babylon has fallen and all its idols broken.
Isaiah, sensing he's on a roll, turns his attention to Edom now, where, like a toddler on a car trip that refuses to go to sleep, someone keeps asking him if it's morning yet. Isaiah's reply smacks of the irritated parent: The morning cometh, and also the night: if ye will enquire, enquire ye: return, come (v. 12).
He's STILL not done. A prophesy concerning the Bedouins of Arabia: bring water and food for the (Israelite?) refugees because their civilisation is going to end within the year.
Chapter 22
Isaiah has a vision about the people of Jerusalem running en masse to their rooftops because the streets are full of diseased corpses and the leaders are now prisoners. He must have been such an uplifting dinner guest.
But Isaiah doesn't want your sympathy as he cries for the destruction of his people at the hands of the lord via Elam and Kir! Nope! That's why we're having this conversation! So you won't feel sorry for him! And of course, it's not at all because the priestly class is trying to take credit for defeat as well as victory in war.
Anyway, the Jerusalemites will try to defend themselves, but won't remember that god made all this happen and his instructions for today were to put on sackcloth and ashes and tear out your hair, rather than what they will do, which is make sacrifices and utter one of the most famous lines in the book: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we shall die. (v. 13) And god will never forgive them for it, like a petulant 9 year old.
God also has a message for Shebna, the palace administrator and clearly someone who crossed Isaiah at some point: you're stupidly building your own tomb, because god is going to throw you around like a sack of potatoes into a foreign country where you'll die in disgrace with all your fripperies. I would have loved to have seen Shebna's reaction to all of this. Somehow, I doubt he was shaking in his boots.
Why all these ad hominem attacks on Shebna? Well, so Isaiah's brother-in-law or nephew or cousin or something, Eliakim can have the job, of course! He's going to be the new ruler of the house of David.
The fate of the desert of the sea (v. 1), or Babylon: the Elamites and Mediaites will attack. This information makes Isaiah's body hurt like a woman in labour. Or a man who wandered around in the fucking desert for 3 years without so much as a sandal-strap.
He tries to warn them, but they just ignore him, like you would anyone who emerged naked from the desert claiming to have been burnt in the face by an angel. He says god told him to tell them to set up a watchman, who should be especially alert for chariots or people arriving on donkeys or camels. Um, what else does one have a lookout for, if not to spot people arriving in chariots or mounted on something?
Finally, the guard does say that he sees something: a couple of guys in a chariot, who declare that Babylon has fallen and all its idols broken.
Isaiah, sensing he's on a roll, turns his attention to Edom now, where, like a toddler on a car trip that refuses to go to sleep, someone keeps asking him if it's morning yet. Isaiah's reply smacks of the irritated parent: The morning cometh, and also the night: if ye will enquire, enquire ye: return, come (v. 12).
He's STILL not done. A prophesy concerning the Bedouins of Arabia: bring water and food for the (Israelite?) refugees because their civilisation is going to end within the year.
Chapter 22
Isaiah has a vision about the people of Jerusalem running en masse to their rooftops because the streets are full of diseased corpses and the leaders are now prisoners. He must have been such an uplifting dinner guest.
But Isaiah doesn't want your sympathy as he cries for the destruction of his people at the hands of the lord via Elam and Kir! Nope! That's why we're having this conversation! So you won't feel sorry for him! And of course, it's not at all because the priestly class is trying to take credit for defeat as well as victory in war.
Anyway, the Jerusalemites will try to defend themselves, but won't remember that god made all this happen and his instructions for today were to put on sackcloth and ashes and tear out your hair, rather than what they will do, which is make sacrifices and utter one of the most famous lines in the book: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we shall die. (v. 13) And god will never forgive them for it, like a petulant 9 year old.
God also has a message for Shebna, the palace administrator and clearly someone who crossed Isaiah at some point: you're stupidly building your own tomb, because god is going to throw you around like a sack of potatoes into a foreign country where you'll die in disgrace with all your fripperies. I would have loved to have seen Shebna's reaction to all of this. Somehow, I doubt he was shaking in his boots.
Why all these ad hominem attacks on Shebna? Well, so Isaiah's brother-in-law or nephew or cousin or something, Eliakim can have the job, of course! He's going to be the new ruler of the house of David.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 19-20: Last post before the apocalypse?
I'm writing this on Saturday, 21 May, the day that, according to one particularly well-organised group, will be the first day of the apocalypse. Not that this hasn't happened before.
Chapter 19
God's plans for Egypt. Firs, civil unrest: ride up on a cloud. Cause tension between brothers, cities, kingdoms. Make the survivors heed the council of false idols and wizards. Finally, install a cruel overlord.
Then, economic collapse: cause a drought. Make the fishermen cry. Then do something non-specific to make the weavers and flax-workers sad. Then destroy the fish-farming industry. In fact, make it so there's no work at all.
Political ruin: tell everybody he was watching porn. Whoops! Actually, make the pharaoh's advisors look like drunken fools.
The end result: the Egyptians will be afraid, five of their cities will change their official language to Canaanite, and they'll all convert to Judaism. They'll even build two big altars to god; one in the middle and one on the border. Finally, the Egyptians, Assyrians and Israelites will sign a freedom of movement treaty. If only!
Chapter 20
God tells Isaiah to take off his clothes and shoes and wander naked around Egypt and Ethiopia, because the king of Assyria did the same thing to some Egyptian prisoners and it was humiliating? This will somehow inspire them to rise up against their oppressors.
Chapter 19
God's plans for Egypt. Firs, civil unrest: ride up on a cloud. Cause tension between brothers, cities, kingdoms. Make the survivors heed the council of false idols and wizards. Finally, install a cruel overlord.
Then, economic collapse: cause a drought. Make the fishermen cry. Then do something non-specific to make the weavers and flax-workers sad. Then destroy the fish-farming industry. In fact, make it so there's no work at all.
Political ruin: tell everybody he was watching porn. Whoops! Actually, make the pharaoh's advisors look like drunken fools.
The end result: the Egyptians will be afraid, five of their cities will change their official language to Canaanite, and they'll all convert to Judaism. They'll even build two big altars to god; one in the middle and one on the border. Finally, the Egyptians, Assyrians and Israelites will sign a freedom of movement treaty. If only!
Chapter 20
God tells Isaiah to take off his clothes and shoes and wander naked around Egypt and Ethiopia, because the king of Assyria did the same thing to some Egyptian prisoners and it was humiliating? This will somehow inspire them to rise up against their oppressors.
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