Hosea, Chapters 8-14: Biblical family values

Chapter 8

God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.

Chapter 9

In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.

Chapter 10

In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.

Chapter 11

Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.

Chapter 12

David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.

Chapter 13

Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.

Chapter 14

After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.