Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Daniel, Chapters 10-12: Do you understand the thing?

Chapter 10

Daniel sees something true, but it will take a long time. He understands it. But we don't because he doesn't say what it is.

Whatever it is, it causes him so much grief that he doesn't eat or drink for over 3 weeks, until one day, sitting by a river, he hallucinates a very strange man. The people with him can't see the man, presumably because they've eaten in the last few days, but they can feel his presence. It scares them, so they hide. God hates an audience.

What does god need privacy to tell Daniel? Is his fly down? Does he have food in his teeth? No, it seems the Persians are going to invade, followed by the Greeks.

Chapter 11

They say Jerry Falwell died of a heart attack in his office, no doubt brought about by constantly masturbating to the book of Daniel. For example, this chapter is full of 'prophecies' about kings and treaties and wars, all of which, he claims, have come true. Of course he doesn't specify when or how, but let's just take one verse:

And in the end of years they shall join themselves together; for the king's daughter of the south shall come to the king of the north to make an agreement: but she shall not retain the power of the arm; neither shall he stand, nor his arm: but she shall be given up, and they that brought her, and he that begat her, and he that strengthened her in these times. (v. 6)

Wow. So at some point in the last 2600 years, a king has sent his daughter to make a treaty and it will all go wrong? That's some prescient shit right there.

There's a lot more predictions that mostly come down to 'In a war, one side invariably loses,' but no names or dates or locations, which makes it very easy to say that it's all come true.

Chapter 12

At the end of days, someone named Michael, who is possibly an angel, or possibly yet another Messiah, will raise a zombie army... for some reason. Daniel wants to know when he can expect this, but god is predictably vague, only promising that it will happen in the End of Days.

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