Chapter 8
God is going to set fire to Ephraim for flirting with other gods and making peace treaties with Assyria. You may have heard a part of verse 7: For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
Chapter 9
In return for worshipping other gods on the threshing floor, god is going to kill all the extant children, cause miscarriages in pregnant women, then make them all infertile. Jerry has a lot to say about harvest festivals, but nary a word about god aborting all those innocent little babies.
Chapter 10
In yet another episode of Biblical Family Values, god is going to knock mothers' and children's heads together only unlike the Three Stooges, this will end in actual death for the participants.
Chapter 11
Jerry, of course, has plenty of time to point out how this chapter predicts that Jesus' family will flee to Egypt. Of course he ignores verse 5, which is rather confusing and talks about people who refused to leave Egypt and ended up being ruled by the Assyrians. After all, it's that kind of verse that we'd expect Biblical scholars to be able to explain.
Chapter 12
David Plotz thinks this is the most boring chapter in the entire Old Testament, which is saying a lot when you consider that Leviticus is basically a long list of sacrifices, Numbers has about 10 chapters dedicated to listing family members, and Ezekiel spends half a book recording measurements. What's it about? I don't know, I fell asleep.
Chapter 13
Over 10 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I broke up with a guy because he's an asshole. Unfortunately, we still have some friends in common, so I occasionally see him at weddings or barbecues. Not only will he not so much as look at me, his wife, who did not know me at the time, also refuses to speak to me. That couple has a lot in common with god, who is STILL smarting over the golden calf incident way back in Exodus. Now he's going to punish the Israelites with wild animals. He's especially going to focus on ripping pregnant women and infants to shreds. Jerry of course is mum. Fortunately, Pastor Deacon Fred has lots to say.
Chapter 14
After all the killing and aborting and animal savagery, god will forgive Ephraim and allow them back into the fold.
Showing posts with label Hosea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hosea. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 3-: Buying a wife for a bushel of barley
Chapter 3
God tells Hosea to take another adulteress as his wife to symbolise god's love of the Israelites despite all their failings. So he buys one for the bargain price of fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley (v. 2). He makes sure to tell this one before the wedding that she shouldn't cheat on him, and promises to do the same. Then he explains that Israel will be without leadership for awhile, but then they'll go back to god.
Chapter 4
God has decided to punish the Israelites in a totally new, unique way that has never been seen before: death, whoring and wine. People who worship Baal will be punished with harlot daughters and cheating wives. You know how divorced people say things like, 'I was married to X for 22 years, one of them happy?' That's what this entire book thus far reminds me of. There have been maybe 10 chapters total in which god wasn't punishing his chosen people for some transgression or another.
Chapter 5
Even though Hosea falls well after the Babylonian exile in the Christian bible, he seems much more concerned with the sins of Ephraim and Judah, specifically whoring, which has resulted in strange children (v. 7). The punishment? Death by lions.
Chapter 6
More threats of death against Ephraim and Judah for the sins of lewdness and whoredom. I'm sensing a theme.
Chapter 7
Poor god! There he was, all ready to forgive the Israelites and start healing, but then stupid Ephraim had to come along and mess it all up by fraternising with foreigners. So now he has no choice but to punish them. How? You guessed it! Death.
God tells Hosea to take another adulteress as his wife to symbolise god's love of the Israelites despite all their failings. So he buys one for the bargain price of fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley (v. 2). He makes sure to tell this one before the wedding that she shouldn't cheat on him, and promises to do the same. Then he explains that Israel will be without leadership for awhile, but then they'll go back to god.
Chapter 4
God has decided to punish the Israelites in a totally new, unique way that has never been seen before: death, whoring and wine. People who worship Baal will be punished with harlot daughters and cheating wives. You know how divorced people say things like, 'I was married to X for 22 years, one of them happy?' That's what this entire book thus far reminds me of. There have been maybe 10 chapters total in which god wasn't punishing his chosen people for some transgression or another.
Chapter 5
Even though Hosea falls well after the Babylonian exile in the Christian bible, he seems much more concerned with the sins of Ephraim and Judah, specifically whoring, which has resulted in strange children (v. 7). The punishment? Death by lions.
Chapter 6
More threats of death against Ephraim and Judah for the sins of lewdness and whoredom. I'm sensing a theme.
Chapter 7
Poor god! There he was, all ready to forgive the Israelites and start healing, but then stupid Ephraim had to come along and mess it all up by fraternising with foreigners. So now he has no choice but to punish them. How? You guessed it! Death.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Hosea, Chapters 1 & 2: Son of a whore!
Chapter 1
The things god puts his faithful followers through. He orders Hosea to take a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms (v. 2). Why? To prove a point to the Israelites, of course! So he takes a wife called Gomer, which was a boy's name somewhere else and on TV. Anyway, she has a son called Jezreel, which refers to something that happened back in Kings and means the house of Jehu will be avenged. I'm not interested enough to actually look it up.
Next Gomer has a daughter called Loruhamah, which means 'No Mercy' or 'Unloved.' Finally, she has another son called Loammi, or 'Not My People.' Way to set your kids up for future criminal charges there, god.
God does offer up some hope at the end, promising that even though he's breaking up with his people now, he'll take them back in future so they can take revenge for whatever happened at Jezreel. Okay, I looked it up: Queen Jezebel seizes some land illegally.
Chapter 2
Further ensuring future delinquency, Hosea tells his kids No Mercy and Not My People to tell their mother that she's not his wife and to stop cheating on him. He threatens to strip her naked and leave her to die of thirst in the desert. He's got plans for their siblings as well, namely not to have mercy on them.
He goes on and on in his trauma-counselling-inducing tirade, threatening to destroy all her possessions à la Ronny on Jersey Shore and to exile her to an isolated country estate. That actually sounds much better than being married to this guy.
The things god puts his faithful followers through. He orders Hosea to take a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms (v. 2). Why? To prove a point to the Israelites, of course! So he takes a wife called Gomer, which was a boy's name somewhere else and on TV. Anyway, she has a son called Jezreel, which refers to something that happened back in Kings and means the house of Jehu will be avenged. I'm not interested enough to actually look it up.
Next Gomer has a daughter called Loruhamah, which means 'No Mercy' or 'Unloved.' Finally, she has another son called Loammi, or 'Not My People.' Way to set your kids up for future criminal charges there, god.
God does offer up some hope at the end, promising that even though he's breaking up with his people now, he'll take them back in future so they can take revenge for whatever happened at Jezreel. Okay, I looked it up: Queen Jezebel seizes some land illegally.
Chapter 2
Further ensuring future delinquency, Hosea tells his kids No Mercy and Not My People to tell their mother that she's not his wife and to stop cheating on him. He threatens to strip her naked and leave her to die of thirst in the desert. He's got plans for their siblings as well, namely not to have mercy on them.
He goes on and on in his trauma-counselling-inducing tirade, threatening to destroy all her possessions à la Ronny on Jersey Shore and to exile her to an isolated country estate. That actually sounds much better than being married to this guy.
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