Monday, May 23, 2011

Isaiah, Chapters 23 & 24: What? You thought predicting the apocalypse was a new thing?

Chapter 23

Tyre, a great trading port in Syria, is doomed to flooding so severe not a building will remain. Other countries, their trading revenue dried up, will howl at the thought of the priestly class taking over the economy as well, because among the many things priests are not good at is economics, which they regard as prostitution.

The people of Sidon are also doomed to wander the earth in exile, BTW.

Chapter 24

Isaiah predicts the apocalypse, and oddly it's not that different from what Harold Camping said would happen: since god promised not to flood the earth again, but never said anything about burning it, this time he's going to follow a scorched-earth policy, then scatter the people all about. Why? Because we haven't been obeying the laws.

Then Isaiah predicts Prohibition: the grapes will wither on the vine, the beer will go sour, and all the parties will stop. People will 'hide' in their 'houses,' which I'm just going to assume is code for 'drink' in 'speakeasies.'

Then, then, when there is nothing else to do and no way to drown their sorrows, They shall lift up their voice, they shall sing for the majesty of the LORD (v. 14) which first of all: BWA HA HA HA! as if in the entire history of banning vices the result has been a 'turning back to god.' Second, how pathetic is your religion that the only way to get people to pay attention is to take away every other source of amusement?

When even that fails, god will get even more dramatic, causing earthquakes. Then he'll arrest all the other gods and the kings (but not, you will note, the priests)and put them in prison. Then the sun and moon will fade and god will rule over the earth. The scorched, ruined, teetotalling earth. Sounds like a blast.

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