Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Isaiah, Chapters 4 & 5: This chapter brought to you by the alcohol producers of ancient Israel

Chapter 4

On the day women all get scalp disease and lose all their finery and access to deodorant, they'll get so desperate for a man that 7 of them will take hold of one guy and beg and plead him to marry them, and will even agree to provide their own bread and clothes, as long as they can get his name and be respectable. I can think of one society that's in dire need of a good Beyoncé concert.

Anyone who manages to stay in Jerusalem will be called holy, because god is going to kill the women and burn down the city and build a temple.

Chapter 5

A song about Isaiah's male lover's vineyard:

He tilled the soil and planted the grapes, then built a tower in the middle with a grape-press inside. Nope, not a sexual metaphor at all! But alas, the vineyard didn't yield good grapes! So he decides to destroy it because, get this, there is no vineyard! It's a parable about Israel!

Much like Elijah and Elisha from way back in Kings, Isaiah cannot stand it when other people have fun. So he starts threatening people who enjoy drinking, music, smoking or food, because they all distract from god. It's completely the opposite message of Ecclesiastes, but since no one has actually read this book in its entirety, who cares?

Anyway, the result of all this enjoyment is that god is going to sell the Israelites into captivity and then into hell. This will somehow bring them back to god.

There is one good piece of advice in this chapter, in verse 22, which reminds us not to mix grains when drinking. Also, don't drink cheap red wine unless you want a cheap red wine hangover, which necessitates a trip to McDonald's, which they didn't even have back then, so life sucked. Also you're going to hell.

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