A bunch of dudes are all living together in the church at Antioch, preaching and fasting. One day, the holy ghost reserves Barnabas and Saul for some special tasks he wants done. So after more fasting and praying, they head off to Cyprus with John as their assistant.
As they proselytise their way around Cyprus, the eventually come to a place called Paphos, where they find a sorcerer called Barjesus, who is an assistant to the local Roman official, Sergius Paulus. Sergi wants to hear all about god, but the sorcerer, who is now suddenly called Elymas, interferes. Saul (or possibly Paul, are we all good and confused now?) looks at the sorcerer, calls him a son of the devil, and blinds him. Didn't this just happen with another sorcerer? Or did I stumble into an episode of Passions? Anyway, it's enough to convince Sergi.
S/Paul and Barnabas move on to Perga, but John goes back to Jerusalem. But then they get bored in Cyprus and head back to Antioch, where they settle into the synagogue again. On the sabbath, the chief priests send them a message asking them if they want to address the people. So S/Paul stands up and recites the history of the Jews from the time of Moses, because that never gets boring with repetition, and the story of Jesus, making sure to link him to David and the psalms. He warns us that when David died, god found corruption in him, but that Jesus was perfect and uncorrupted. He also assures them that belief in Jesus allows them to be square with god, unlike the laws of Moses, and urges them to repent.
When the Jews leave, a bunch of gentiles clamour outside the synagogue for S/Paul and Barnabas to come and preach at their church next weekend. Nearly the entire city shows up to hear the preaching, which makes the Jews green with envy. S/Paul and Barnabas coolly tell them they had their chance and didn't listen, so now they're spreading the word to the gentiles as well. So the Jews banish them and they go to Iconium.
Showing posts with label David. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David. Show all posts
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Acts, Chapter 2: Nomunication
On Pentecost, which, oddly, is the day I'm writing this, the disciples are all sitting around harmoniously (which is code for arguing vociferously) when the room fills up with a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind (v. 2). Cloven tongues like as of fire (v. 3) appear and perch on their heads. This causes them to start speaking in other languages. Cooler than the Universal Translators on Star Trek, not as good as a babelfish.
Now, what you need to know about Jerusalem was that, much like today, it was a cosmopolitan, polyglot city, filled with Jews from all over the Mediterranean. They hear about this new phenomenon, and gather curiously. They're all amazed to hear their own languages coming out of the guys' mouths. They just can't figure it out, until someone scoffs that (v. 13) which makes total sense to me, because I used to live in Japan, where everybody speaks English, but only after 3 beers. They even have a word for it: nomunication.
Peter, who has clearly never seen Mad Men, insists they aren't drunk because it's only 3 o'clock. No, rather, this is fulfilling a prophesy from the book of Joel, about how at the end of the world, everyone will be a prophet. There will be some signs, like lunar eclipses and volcanoes, and anyone who repents will be saved. He chastises them for killing Jesus and references how he's David's great-something grandchild. It convinces the Jews, who ask what they can do now. It's pretty simple really: Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (v. 38) though hopefully the gift will not be in the form of a tongue on your forehead. Three thousand people take him up on the offer.
The disciples do some more magic tricks that convince their new converts they've made the right choice, so they sell all their possessions and share all that remains and more and more people are convinced by them and join up.
Well, that was a chapter that started off awesomely and finished disappointingly.
Now, what you need to know about Jerusalem was that, much like today, it was a cosmopolitan, polyglot city, filled with Jews from all over the Mediterranean. They hear about this new phenomenon, and gather curiously. They're all amazed to hear their own languages coming out of the guys' mouths. They just can't figure it out, until someone scoffs that (v. 13) which makes total sense to me, because I used to live in Japan, where everybody speaks English, but only after 3 beers. They even have a word for it: nomunication.
Peter, who has clearly never seen Mad Men, insists they aren't drunk because it's only 3 o'clock. No, rather, this is fulfilling a prophesy from the book of Joel, about how at the end of the world, everyone will be a prophet. There will be some signs, like lunar eclipses and volcanoes, and anyone who repents will be saved. He chastises them for killing Jesus and references how he's David's great-something grandchild. It convinces the Jews, who ask what they can do now. It's pretty simple really: Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost (v. 38) though hopefully the gift will not be in the form of a tongue on your forehead. Three thousand people take him up on the offer.
The disciples do some more magic tricks that convince their new converts they've made the right choice, so they sell all their possessions and share all that remains and more and more people are convinced by them and join up.
Well, that was a chapter that started off awesomely and finished disappointingly.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Acts, Chapter 1: It takes a lot to kill an apostle
Apparently, this is the second volume of Luke's book, although it comes after John. At least, it's addressed to Theophilus, as was Luke. It's about what happens in the immediate aftermath of Jesus' death.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 31-33: Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea
Chapter 31
Blah blah blah covenant. Blah blah blah land of milk and honey. For some reason this chapter causes Jerry Falwell's crack team of bible "scholars" to cream their pants and devote an entire page of commentary to it. The only interesting thing to come out of it is that he tells us the covenant is written in the same style as a Grand Royal Treaty. In other words, the religious powers are imitating the secular powers in the effort to usurp their authority.
There's a reference to Rachel, which the new testament will apparently try to say refers to the massacre of baby boys around the time of Jesus' birth. If you'll remember, Rachel was the prize in Jacob's labours for Laban, she stole her father's idols and pretended she was on the rag so he wouldn't look for them in the cushion she was sitting on, and is the mother of Joseph of Technicolour Dreamcoat fame, and Benjamin. What this has to do with weeping about the sack of Jerusalem, I don't know. Ephraim, Joseph's son, is there as well, causing god bowel trouble, but the New Testament ignores him.
Did we all know that 'sour grapes' is biblical? Because verse 29 says The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children's teeth are set on edge.
Chapter 32
Since padded cells don't exist yet, king Zedekiah shuts Jeremiah up in the only place he has: prison. Alas, he neglects to sew Jeremiah's lips shut, so he keeps babbling, first about how the king is going to be kidnapped and taken to Babylon along with the rest of them, and then about a bizarre real-estate transaction he got involved with.
So the story is that one of his uncles wants Jeremiah to buy a field. God supports this purchase, so he tells him to accept the deal when one of his cousins comes to the prison to negotiate. Then he goes along to the notary with the deed, which ought to be impossible since he's supposedly locked up in prison and all, but narrative consistency is not this books strong suit, so whatever. Anyway, after the papers have been notarised, he announces his intention to put them into clay jars so he can claim it back after the exile. He urges the others to do the same.
Chapter 33
Jeremiah is back in prison, still spouting off a laundry list of punishments for the Israelites and promises of good things for people who follow him, namely that the king of Israel will always be a descendent of David.
Blah blah blah covenant. Blah blah blah land of milk and honey. For some reason this chapter causes Jerry Falwell's crack team of bible "scholars" to cream their pants and devote an entire page of commentary to it. The only interesting thing to come out of it is that he tells us the covenant is written in the same style as a Grand Royal Treaty. In other words, the religious powers are imitating the secular powers in the effort to usurp their authority.
There's a reference to Rachel, which the new testament will apparently try to say refers to the massacre of baby boys around the time of Jesus' birth. If you'll remember, Rachel was the prize in Jacob's labours for Laban, she stole her father's idols and pretended she was on the rag so he wouldn't look for them in the cushion she was sitting on, and is the mother of Joseph of Technicolour Dreamcoat fame, and Benjamin. What this has to do with weeping about the sack of Jerusalem, I don't know. Ephraim, Joseph's son, is there as well, causing god bowel trouble, but the New Testament ignores him.
Did we all know that 'sour grapes' is biblical? Because verse 29 says The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children's teeth are set on edge.
Chapter 32
Since padded cells don't exist yet, king Zedekiah shuts Jeremiah up in the only place he has: prison. Alas, he neglects to sew Jeremiah's lips shut, so he keeps babbling, first about how the king is going to be kidnapped and taken to Babylon along with the rest of them, and then about a bizarre real-estate transaction he got involved with.
So the story is that one of his uncles wants Jeremiah to buy a field. God supports this purchase, so he tells him to accept the deal when one of his cousins comes to the prison to negotiate. Then he goes along to the notary with the deed, which ought to be impossible since he's supposedly locked up in prison and all, but narrative consistency is not this books strong suit, so whatever. Anyway, after the papers have been notarised, he announces his intention to put them into clay jars so he can claim it back after the exile. He urges the others to do the same.
Chapter 33
Jeremiah is back in prison, still spouting off a laundry list of punishments for the Israelites and promises of good things for people who follow him, namely that the king of Israel will always be a descendent of David.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 54 & 55: God is a 13 year old boy who thinks girls are yucky
Chapter 54
God compares Jerusalem to a woman heretofore barren who suddenly gives birth to lots and lots of babies and who suddenly has to stretch her tent seams to the limits to accomodate them all. And what, pray tell, will all those millions of babies do? Try to take over the world.
Now, god is sorry for that little snit he had before, the one where he let either the Babylonians or the Egyptians enslave them, and now he's ready to make nice and make all kinds of promises, like to not flood the earth anymore or ever get angry with them again and to rebuild the city with sapphires and rubies, and to let their kids grow up in peace and to give them stable, prosperous lives. We'll see how long that lasts.
Chapter 55
Here's a bible verse that too many Americans would seem to take deadly seriously: Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness (v. 2)
God instructs the Israelites to follow David and promises mercy to anyone who returns to the fold. Then he informs us that he's so extra-super-special that we can never hope to understand him: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (v. 8-9) that's religious leader for, 'Lots of evil shit happens that no one understands, so we might as well attribuite it to god because we want your votes, so we'll twist ourselves in knots trying to justify it for the next 2000 years using these two cherry-picked verses.'
God compares Jerusalem to a woman heretofore barren who suddenly gives birth to lots and lots of babies and who suddenly has to stretch her tent seams to the limits to accomodate them all. And what, pray tell, will all those millions of babies do? Try to take over the world.
Now, god is sorry for that little snit he had before, the one where he let either the Babylonians or the Egyptians enslave them, and now he's ready to make nice and make all kinds of promises, like to not flood the earth anymore or ever get angry with them again and to rebuild the city with sapphires and rubies, and to let their kids grow up in peace and to give them stable, prosperous lives. We'll see how long that lasts.
Chapter 55
Here's a bible verse that too many Americans would seem to take deadly seriously: Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness (v. 2)
God instructs the Israelites to follow David and promises mercy to anyone who returns to the fold. Then he informs us that he's so extra-super-special that we can never hope to understand him: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (v. 8-9) that's religious leader for, 'Lots of evil shit happens that no one understands, so we might as well attribuite it to god because we want your votes, so we'll twist ourselves in knots trying to justify it for the next 2000 years using these two cherry-picked verses.'
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Psalms 131-135: There's some oil in your beard
Psalm 131
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Psalms 1-5: Psalm, Psalm, everywhere a Psalm
So, here we go with the book of Psalms. Supposedly they're prayers, if your idea of praying is to bash your child's head into a rock.
Psalm 1
People who don't hang out with the wicked, sinners or mockers are happy. Also bored. I think my favourite movie quotation ever is by Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) in Steel Magnolias: if you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me. Instead, they sit and think about god day and night. I can tell you that I have been reading this book for over a year now and thinking about god more than the rest of my life put together and I am not particularly happy about it. I just want to finish this fucker and read the Koran.
Anyway, happy people are like trees and the wicked are like wheat chaff, blowing in the wind, and will not be allowed into heaven on judgement day.
Psalm 2
This poem contemplates war and why we have it. Never mind that god himself has been known to order a king or two into battle, war is a personal affront to him and Jesus, because people should like being slaves.
God, showing the thinness of his skin, laughs at people who don't want to serve him then goes all scary and says his king is in Israel. The king, for his part, claims to be the son of god and therefore the owner of everything. He says this also gives him the right to bash people's heads in if they get stroppy. It's very confusing and makes me wonder, if serving god is so awesome, why do you need to rule like Alexander Lukashenko? God therefore advises rulers to be prudent and suck up to his son.
Psalm 3
Apparently written by David after his son Absalom rebelled in 2 Samuel to avenge his sister Tamar's rape by their half-brother Amon. David complains about the rebellion, but praises god for helping him and letting him sleep and wake up. Thanks to his nap, he's now ready to face the rebels, and asks god to punch them in the jaw and knock their teeth out.
Psalm 4
Another poem by David, to be set to music. He asks forgiveness for his sins and accuses his enemies of rumour spreading. About Jonathan? It doesn't matter, because god will help him. He advises them not to sin in anger but to sleep on it. That's actually really good advice. Of course the next verse admonishes us to sacrifice and look to god for better times. Then David says he's happy and he's going to sleep.
Psalm 5
Another musical interlude. David asks god to listen to and answer his prayers in the mornings. He then informs us that god takes no pleasure in evil, then turns around and says he hates arrogant, cruel people. Apparently, god kills liars and murderers. Same basket? Really? What if I lied about why I was late for work today? Wow.
But never fear! David's cool, because he prays and therefore god lets him defeat his enemies, which leads me to wonder what would happen if nobody prayed and then there was a war. He goes on to tell us that enemies are liars and want to destroy others. Isn't that the definition of 'enemy'? Then he asks god to banish them and let his followers stay behind.
Psalm 1
People who don't hang out with the wicked, sinners or mockers are happy. Also bored. I think my favourite movie quotation ever is by Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) in Steel Magnolias: if you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me. Instead, they sit and think about god day and night. I can tell you that I have been reading this book for over a year now and thinking about god more than the rest of my life put together and I am not particularly happy about it. I just want to finish this fucker and read the Koran.
Anyway, happy people are like trees and the wicked are like wheat chaff, blowing in the wind, and will not be allowed into heaven on judgement day.
Psalm 2
This poem contemplates war and why we have it. Never mind that god himself has been known to order a king or two into battle, war is a personal affront to him and Jesus, because people should like being slaves.
God, showing the thinness of his skin, laughs at people who don't want to serve him then goes all scary and says his king is in Israel. The king, for his part, claims to be the son of god and therefore the owner of everything. He says this also gives him the right to bash people's heads in if they get stroppy. It's very confusing and makes me wonder, if serving god is so awesome, why do you need to rule like Alexander Lukashenko? God therefore advises rulers to be prudent and suck up to his son.
Psalm 3
Apparently written by David after his son Absalom rebelled in 2 Samuel to avenge his sister Tamar's rape by their half-brother Amon. David complains about the rebellion, but praises god for helping him and letting him sleep and wake up. Thanks to his nap, he's now ready to face the rebels, and asks god to punch them in the jaw and knock their teeth out.
Psalm 4
Another poem by David, to be set to music. He asks forgiveness for his sins and accuses his enemies of rumour spreading. About Jonathan? It doesn't matter, because god will help him. He advises them not to sin in anger but to sleep on it. That's actually really good advice. Of course the next verse admonishes us to sacrifice and look to god for better times. Then David says he's happy and he's going to sleep.
Psalm 5
Another musical interlude. David asks god to listen to and answer his prayers in the mornings. He then informs us that god takes no pleasure in evil, then turns around and says he hates arrogant, cruel people. Apparently, god kills liars and murderers. Same basket? Really? What if I lied about why I was late for work today? Wow.
But never fear! David's cool, because he prays and therefore god lets him defeat his enemies, which leads me to wonder what would happen if nobody prayed and then there was a war. He goes on to tell us that enemies are liars and want to destroy others. Isn't that the definition of 'enemy'? Then he asks god to banish them and let his followers stay behind.
Friday, October 22, 2010
1 Chronicles, Chapters 22-27
Chapter 22
David gathers all the materials to build a temple, but doesn't build it on god's orders, because he's shed too much blood. Rather, Solomon is to build it. Snore.
Capter 23
David does a census and isn't punished. Then he divvies up the priestly jobs amongst the Levites. Then there's a long genealogy. Snore.
Chapter 24
Another genealogy, this time of Aaron's descendants. Snore.
Chapter 25
Another genealogy. Someone named his son Romamtiezer.Too bad there was no child protective services.
Chapter 26
One family is given the honour of guarding the various gates to the city. To decide who gets what gate, they cast lots. This is seriously the most interesting thing that has happened in like, 5 chapters. Other families get other duties involving the treasury and military commissions.
Chapter 27
Every month, a new family gets to provide 24 000 clerks and administrators. Imagine the bureaucratic nightmares that must have caused. Farming jobs are handed out. Snore.
David gathers all the materials to build a temple, but doesn't build it on god's orders, because he's shed too much blood. Rather, Solomon is to build it. Snore.
Capter 23
David does a census and isn't punished. Then he divvies up the priestly jobs amongst the Levites. Then there's a long genealogy. Snore.
Chapter 24
Another genealogy, this time of Aaron's descendants. Snore.
Chapter 25
Another genealogy. Someone named his son Romamtiezer.Too bad there was no child protective services.
Chapter 26
One family is given the honour of guarding the various gates to the city. To decide who gets what gate, they cast lots. This is seriously the most interesting thing that has happened in like, 5 chapters. Other families get other duties involving the treasury and military commissions.
Chapter 27
Every month, a new family gets to provide 24 000 clerks and administrators. Imagine the bureaucratic nightmares that must have caused. Farming jobs are handed out. Snore.
1 Chronicles, Chapters 28 & 29
Chapter 28
David announces that god has promised to make his descendants the kings of Israel forever. In return, his son Solomon will build a temple. He then hands Solomon the blueprints and the gold and silver to make all the tacky knick-knacks.
Chapter 29
David keeps babbling about all the stuff he has gathered for the temple. The people donate more. Then he prays for Solomon to be a good king. They have a barbecue and they all live happily ever after.
l
David announces that god has promised to make his descendants the kings of Israel forever. In return, his son Solomon will build a temple. He then hands Solomon the blueprints and the gold and silver to make all the tacky knick-knacks.
Chapter 29
David keeps babbling about all the stuff he has gathered for the temple. The people donate more. Then he prays for Solomon to be a good king. They have a barbecue and they all live happily ever after.
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Sunday, October 17, 2010
1 Chronicles, Chapter 21
So, way back in, uh, either Samuel or Kings, David had a census and god killed a bunch of people. Turns out it wasn't so much god as Satan. Joab tries to cajole him into not holding it, but he's adamant. Turns out he has 1 million battle-ready men at his disposal, putting him right up there with modern-day Russia or North Korea, and not even including the Benjaminites or the Levites.
This pisses god off to no end, even after David apologises. God offers him a choice of three punishments: 1) a three-year famine 2) three months of being defeated by their enemies 3) three days of pestilence. David asks god to just kill him instead, so god sends the pestilence. He's up to 70 000 dead when he changes his mind and tells the angel to stop. David looks up at that point and sees the angel in the sky with a sword drawn. David points out that he's the one who sinned and asks why god killed all those innocent people.
Rather than answer, god tells him to build an alter on a threshing-floor. David goes to the owner, Ornan, and explains the situation and offers to buy it at fair market price. Ornan demurs, but David insists on paying in full. Then he sacrifices. I bet a lot of the payment went to cleaning that mess up.
This pisses god off to no end, even after David apologises. God offers him a choice of three punishments: 1) a three-year famine 2) three months of being defeated by their enemies 3) three days of pestilence. David asks god to just kill him instead, so god sends the pestilence. He's up to 70 000 dead when he changes his mind and tells the angel to stop. David looks up at that point and sees the angel in the sky with a sword drawn. David points out that he's the one who sinned and asks why god killed all those innocent people.
Rather than answer, god tells him to build an alter on a threshing-floor. David goes to the owner, Ornan, and explains the situation and offers to buy it at fair market price. Ornan demurs, but David insists on paying in full. Then he sacrifices. I bet a lot of the payment went to cleaning that mess up.
Monday, October 11, 2010
1 Chronicles, Chapters 13-20
David's reign. Now in technicolour!
Chapter 13
David brings the ark to Jerusalem. On the way, the oxen pulling the cart stumble and Uzza reaches out to keep it from falling. God smites him. This is not new information. David is afraid to keep going and sends the ark to Obededum, no doubt a bebop singer, for safekeeping.
Chapter 14
David builds a house, then marries some more wives to fill it with. He has lots of kids. The Philistines invade. With god's help, communicated through mulberry trees, David defeats them. This causes his fame to spread. The chapters really are this short.
Chapter 15
David gathers the Levites to move the ark of the covenant. We get a list of their names which is too boring to list here. They carry it, singing and dancing. Saul's daughter Michal looks out and hates David for some reason.
Chapter 16
The ark arrives. David gives everybody a bottle of wine. David makes a speech, and it's entirely possible he's drunk, because he says the earth won't move. Then they pray and barbecue and go home.
Chapter 17
God, speaking through Nathan, decides to remain a renter rather than an owner and asks David not to build him a permanent temple. He also promises that the Israelites won't have to move anymore and that David's line will rule forever. David hears about it all and prays.
Chapter 18
David fights, and defeats, the Philistines, the Moabites and the army of Habath. The latter is particularly gruesome as he disables their chariot horses as well. The Syrians try to help and are enslaved for their troubles. He raids the treasury at Hamath and turns the loot into bling. Then, just for good measure, David kills some Edomites to close the chapter.
Chapter 19
The king of Ammon dies, and David tries to send condolence messages because they had a good relationship (read: the Ammonites sent him lots of gold and didn't invade). The princes convince the new king that David is up to no good, and rather than just continue to do what his father did, he shaves the messengers bald and cuts the bums out of their trousers.
They go back and David sends them to Jericho to grow their beards again. Meanwhile, the Ammonites decide that, having pissed David off, their only solution is to invade with the help of the Syrians. David's army prevails and slays 47 000 of their enemies.
Chapter 20
The defeat of the Ammonites. David sees the king's crown and steals it. Then he kills everybody in the city with saws and axes. Another war, this time with the Philistines, in which he defeats a giant. Then there's another war in which Goliath's brother is killed. Then finally he kills a third giant who also has 6 fingers and toes on each appendage.
Chapter 13
David brings the ark to Jerusalem. On the way, the oxen pulling the cart stumble and Uzza reaches out to keep it from falling. God smites him. This is not new information. David is afraid to keep going and sends the ark to Obededum, no doubt a bebop singer, for safekeeping.
Chapter 14
David builds a house, then marries some more wives to fill it with. He has lots of kids. The Philistines invade. With god's help, communicated through mulberry trees, David defeats them. This causes his fame to spread. The chapters really are this short.
Chapter 15
David gathers the Levites to move the ark of the covenant. We get a list of their names which is too boring to list here. They carry it, singing and dancing. Saul's daughter Michal looks out and hates David for some reason.
Chapter 16
The ark arrives. David gives everybody a bottle of wine. David makes a speech, and it's entirely possible he's drunk, because he says the earth won't move. Then they pray and barbecue and go home.
Chapter 17
God, speaking through Nathan, decides to remain a renter rather than an owner and asks David not to build him a permanent temple. He also promises that the Israelites won't have to move anymore and that David's line will rule forever. David hears about it all and prays.
Chapter 18
David fights, and defeats, the Philistines, the Moabites and the army of Habath. The latter is particularly gruesome as he disables their chariot horses as well. The Syrians try to help and are enslaved for their troubles. He raids the treasury at Hamath and turns the loot into bling. Then, just for good measure, David kills some Edomites to close the chapter.
Chapter 19
The king of Ammon dies, and David tries to send condolence messages because they had a good relationship (read: the Ammonites sent him lots of gold and didn't invade). The princes convince the new king that David is up to no good, and rather than just continue to do what his father did, he shaves the messengers bald and cuts the bums out of their trousers.
They go back and David sends them to Jericho to grow their beards again. Meanwhile, the Ammonites decide that, having pissed David off, their only solution is to invade with the help of the Syrians. David's army prevails and slays 47 000 of their enemies.
Chapter 20
The defeat of the Ammonites. David sees the king's crown and steals it. Then he kills everybody in the city with saws and axes. Another war, this time with the Philistines, in which he defeats a giant. Then there's another war in which Goliath's brother is killed. Then finally he kills a third giant who also has 6 fingers and toes on each appendage.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
1 Chronicles, Chapters 10-12
The second draft of 1 and 2 Samuel and 1 and 2 Kings begins in earnest.
Chapter 10
First, a retelling of Saul's death. As you will recall, he let the Amalekite king live after god expressly told him to kill all the Amalekites, so god sent the Philistines in. Saul didn't want to be taken captive by the uncircumcised, so he asked his armourbearer to kill him. In this version, the armourbearer refuses and Saul kills himself. The sight causes the armourbearer to die, along with the rest of Saul's family. Terrified, the Israelites flee and Saul's head and armour become Philistine temple décor until a group of Jabeshgileadites comes back and buries his body. David's son Jesse takes over.
Chapter 11
David becomes king, but the inhabitants of Jerusalem reject him, so he says that anyone who conquers them can rule them. Joab takes up the challenge. We get some other stories about his various generals; one who killed 300 Philistines with a spear, another who single-handedly held off an attack in a barley field. Another time, David is thirsty, but only wants water from the Bethelhem well, currently behind enemy lines. Three of his generals go and get the water, which he pours on the ground like an ingrate.
Benaiah killed two lionlike men (v. 22) and then a real lion, then a tall Egyptian. Then we get 21 verses praising the brave men of David's army, but no details of this supposed bravery.
Chapter 12
We hear a little about the Gadites, a race of men with the faces of lions who run through the mountains like gazelles. They make a peace treaty with David and join his army. In fact, people are coming from all over to join his forces. They have a giant picnic.
Chapter 10
First, a retelling of Saul's death. As you will recall, he let the Amalekite king live after god expressly told him to kill all the Amalekites, so god sent the Philistines in. Saul didn't want to be taken captive by the uncircumcised, so he asked his armourbearer to kill him. In this version, the armourbearer refuses and Saul kills himself. The sight causes the armourbearer to die, along with the rest of Saul's family. Terrified, the Israelites flee and Saul's head and armour become Philistine temple décor until a group of Jabeshgileadites comes back and buries his body. David's son Jesse takes over.
Chapter 11
David becomes king, but the inhabitants of Jerusalem reject him, so he says that anyone who conquers them can rule them. Joab takes up the challenge. We get some other stories about his various generals; one who killed 300 Philistines with a spear, another who single-handedly held off an attack in a barley field. Another time, David is thirsty, but only wants water from the Bethelhem well, currently behind enemy lines. Three of his generals go and get the water, which he pours on the ground like an ingrate.
Benaiah killed two lionlike men (v. 22) and then a real lion, then a tall Egyptian. Then we get 21 verses praising the brave men of David's army, but no details of this supposed bravery.
Chapter 12
We hear a little about the Gadites, a race of men with the faces of lions who run through the mountains like gazelles. They make a peace treaty with David and join his army. In fact, people are coming from all over to join his forces. They have a giant picnic.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
1 Chronicles, Chapters 1 & 2
No wonder nobody actually slogs through this entire book anymore. The first 9 chapters of 1 Chronicles are an endless series of genealogies linking Adam to king David, and, as Jerry Falwell helpfully points out, to Jesus.
Chapter 1
The one highlight comes in verse 19: And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of the one was Peleg; because in his days the earth was divided: and his brother's name was Joktan. is often cited by creationists as evidence of continental drift. Unfortunately, Jerry, for all that he was so anti-evolution in Genesis, does not seem to adhere to that argument, because he doesn't even mention it.
Chapter 2
Achar, grandson of Judah, transgressed in the thing accursed (v. 7), which apparantly means he plundered the temple. Not that we ever heard that story. In verse 33, someone names a child Zaza. Better than Dazzling, I suppose. In verses 34 and 35, a man with no sons mates his daughter to one of his slaves, then takes the resulting boy. Father of the year, that one.
Chapter 1
The one highlight comes in verse 19: And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of the one was Peleg; because in his days the earth was divided: and his brother's name was Joktan. is often cited by creationists as evidence of continental drift. Unfortunately, Jerry, for all that he was so anti-evolution in Genesis, does not seem to adhere to that argument, because he doesn't even mention it.
Chapter 2
Achar, grandson of Judah, transgressed in the thing accursed (v. 7), which apparantly means he plundered the temple. Not that we ever heard that story. In verse 33, someone names a child Zaza. Better than Dazzling, I suppose. In verses 34 and 35, a man with no sons mates his daughter to one of his slaves, then takes the resulting boy. Father of the year, that one.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 8
Elisha goes back to the woman whose son he restored to life a few chapters ago and tells her to move, because there's going to be a seven year famine. So she goes to the land of the Philistines. She returns seven years later and asks for her land back. The king turns to Elisha's servant and asks him for an exact accounting of Elisha's miracles. When he gets to the part about restoring the son, the woman cries out, like one-track mind much, lady? And Gehazi says it's her, like no one could tell. The king orders his officers to restore the woman's possessions.
Elisah, meanwhile, goes to the Syrian king, Benhadad, who is sick. Benhadad asks someone called Hazeal to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will recover, but he'll also die. Then he starts to cry. Hazeal asks why, and he says it's because he knows all the evil Hazeal is going to do to the Israelites. Hazeal asks if he has free will, and Elisha says he's going to be king one day. Hazeal goes back to his father and promises him he'll recover, then the next day waterboards him until he suffocates. Yes, the actual words are: he took a thick cloth and dipped it in water, and spread it on his face, so that he died (v. 15).
We get a quick update on the kings of Israel, in which we are told that Jeroham, of the tribe of Judah, is evil, but god keeps him around out of lingering affection for David. Edom revolts during his reign and there's a third Israelite king. Jeroham goes and smites them for their rebellion. Somehow, they keep waging civil war despite all being dead. Then another fire starts up when the people of Libnah start acting up. Then Jeroham dies.
He's replaced by Ahaziah, who is also evil. I'm pretty sure 'evil' is a synonym for 'human' here. Anyway, he teams up with the other Israelite king, Joram to fight the Syrians. They manage to injure Joram, who retreats to recover. Ahaziah visits him, a story I'm sure will pick back up in the next chapter.
Elisah, meanwhile, goes to the Syrian king, Benhadad, who is sick. Benhadad asks someone called Hazeal to ask Elisha if he'll recover. Elisha says he will recover, but he'll also die. Then he starts to cry. Hazeal asks why, and he says it's because he knows all the evil Hazeal is going to do to the Israelites. Hazeal asks if he has free will, and Elisha says he's going to be king one day. Hazeal goes back to his father and promises him he'll recover, then the next day waterboards him until he suffocates. Yes, the actual words are: he took a thick cloth and dipped it in water, and spread it on his face, so that he died (v. 15).
We get a quick update on the kings of Israel, in which we are told that Jeroham, of the tribe of Judah, is evil, but god keeps him around out of lingering affection for David. Edom revolts during his reign and there's a third Israelite king. Jeroham goes and smites them for their rebellion. Somehow, they keep waging civil war despite all being dead. Then another fire starts up when the people of Libnah start acting up. Then Jeroham dies.
He's replaced by Ahaziah, who is also evil. I'm pretty sure 'evil' is a synonym for 'human' here. Anyway, he teams up with the other Israelite king, Joram to fight the Syrians. They manage to injure Joram, who retreats to recover. Ahaziah visits him, a story I'm sure will pick back up in the next chapter.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
2 Kings, Chapter 2
David is still dying, but can't just shut up and get it over with. No, first he has to give Solomon some advice: follow the lord and you'll be fruitful and multiply, blah, blah, blah. Because the main purpose of his speech is to tell his son who to exact revenge on: first Joab the general for his disloyalty. Then Shimei, the relative of Saul who yelled curses on him, because even though David promised not to hurt him, Solomon made no such vow. Then David dies rather undramatically, though I'm sure this isn't the last we'll hear from him.
So, Solomon establishes himself as king. One day, his brother Adonijah, who you'll remember tried to usurp the thrown in the last chapter, comes to Bathsheba's house. He reminds her that the throne was rightfully his, and asks her one favour, which is to get Solomon to grant him Abishag, David's uh, naked virgin 'nurse.' For some incredibly stupid reason that isn't given, Bathsheba agrees.
She goes to Solomon and says she has a request and gets him to promise to grant it before she tells him what it is, proving the apple hit every branch of the stupid tree on its way down. He wonders why she would betray him like this, and suggests she also promise Abithar the kingdom, then vows to kill Abiathar as well. That's a lot of murders for one chapter.
Solomon sends his assassin Benaiah along to kill Adonijah, who dispatches him handily. He also banishes Abiathar the priest. Joab senses the danger in the air and flees to the temple, where he, too, grabs onto the horns of the altar. Solomon is clearly less concerned with the sacredness of holy objects than David, because he sends Benaiah after him. Benaiah demands that Joab come out, but Joab refuses. So Benaiah goes back to Solomon and tells him he won't come out. So Solomon tells him to kill him in the temple. After all, there's so much blood in there, nobody would know if it was just sacrifices from all the people who had sex that day or from a human who sought sanctuary for his life.
Benaiah is rewarded with a cushy room in Solomon's palace, and a new priest is installed as well.
Solomon is finally ready for his third revenge killing. He summons Shimei and orders him to move to Jerusalem. He then tells him that if he leaves, he'll be killed. Shimei manages to remember not to leave for three years, but he's no smarter than any of the others, so when his servants run away, he goes to Gath to retrieve them, and Benaiah is sent once again to assassinate someone.
So, Solomon establishes himself as king. One day, his brother Adonijah, who you'll remember tried to usurp the thrown in the last chapter, comes to Bathsheba's house. He reminds her that the throne was rightfully his, and asks her one favour, which is to get Solomon to grant him Abishag, David's uh, naked virgin 'nurse.' For some incredibly stupid reason that isn't given, Bathsheba agrees.
She goes to Solomon and says she has a request and gets him to promise to grant it before she tells him what it is, proving the apple hit every branch of the stupid tree on its way down. He wonders why she would betray him like this, and suggests she also promise Abithar the kingdom, then vows to kill Abiathar as well. That's a lot of murders for one chapter.
Solomon sends his assassin Benaiah along to kill Adonijah, who dispatches him handily. He also banishes Abiathar the priest. Joab senses the danger in the air and flees to the temple, where he, too, grabs onto the horns of the altar. Solomon is clearly less concerned with the sacredness of holy objects than David, because he sends Benaiah after him. Benaiah demands that Joab come out, but Joab refuses. So Benaiah goes back to Solomon and tells him he won't come out. So Solomon tells him to kill him in the temple. After all, there's so much blood in there, nobody would know if it was just sacrifices from all the people who had sex that day or from a human who sought sanctuary for his life.
Benaiah is rewarded with a cushy room in Solomon's palace, and a new priest is installed as well.
Solomon is finally ready for his third revenge killing. He summons Shimei and orders him to move to Jerusalem. He then tells him that if he leaves, he'll be killed. Shimei manages to remember not to leave for three years, but he's no smarter than any of the others, so when his servants run away, he goes to Gath to retrieve them, and Benaiah is sent once again to assassinate someone.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
1 Kings, Chapter 1
David is cold. The best solution his advisors can come up with: lie with a naked virgin. Jerry Falwell, of course, would have you believe this was standard medical practice, old men fucking young girls. I'm sure it was very... theraputic. The unfortunately-named Abishag is brought to his bedside and does her best, but poor old David can't get it up even for her fine feminine attributes.
One of David's sons, Adonijah, sensing an opportunity, declares himself king. He recruits Joab the general and Abithar the priest to lend credence to his claim, but several other key players refuse to acknowledge him, even after he sacrifices some sheep. Personally, I'd be convinced by anything if there was barbecue involved.
But no, Nathan goes to Bathsheba, the woman David saw bathing naked from a rooftop and whose husband he had killed after he impregnated her. Nathan reminds Bathsheba that David supposedly promised to make their son Solomon his successor. How many soap operas has this plot appeared in?
So Bathsheba goes along to David's chamber, where Abishag is still uh, ministering to the king. She reminds him of his promise and asks him to depose Adonijah and put Solomon in his place. Nathan comes in and backs Bathsheba up. David agrees to make Solomon his successor. He orders his minions to take Solomon to Gihon on his mule and crown him. The people get so excited with their shouting and dancing that it causes an earthquake. Good thing they didn't have vuvuzelas, then.
Adonijah hears the trumpets and figures out the jig is up. He runs into the temple and grabs onto the altar, refusing to let go until Solomon promises not to kill him. Solomon promises that as long as Adonijah behaves, he can keep his head, and goes back to the party.
One of David's sons, Adonijah, sensing an opportunity, declares himself king. He recruits Joab the general and Abithar the priest to lend credence to his claim, but several other key players refuse to acknowledge him, even after he sacrifices some sheep. Personally, I'd be convinced by anything if there was barbecue involved.
But no, Nathan goes to Bathsheba, the woman David saw bathing naked from a rooftop and whose husband he had killed after he impregnated her. Nathan reminds Bathsheba that David supposedly promised to make their son Solomon his successor. How many soap operas has this plot appeared in?
So Bathsheba goes along to David's chamber, where Abishag is still uh, ministering to the king. She reminds him of his promise and asks him to depose Adonijah and put Solomon in his place. Nathan comes in and backs Bathsheba up. David agrees to make Solomon his successor. He orders his minions to take Solomon to Gihon on his mule and crown him. The people get so excited with their shouting and dancing that it causes an earthquake. Good thing they didn't have vuvuzelas, then.
Adonijah hears the trumpets and figures out the jig is up. He runs into the temple and grabs onto the altar, refusing to let go until Solomon promises not to kill him. Solomon promises that as long as Adonijah behaves, he can keep his head, and goes back to the party.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapters 22-24
Chapter 22
David, apparently on his deathbed, although he'll be around for several more books, sings a song. Sadly, the bible does not give the tune. Among the highlights: god flies around on cherubs, which are not the winged babies we think of, but winged creatures with the face of a lion, ox, griffon vulture or man. David thinks pretty highly of himself, it seems, for he claims god has rewarded him according to his righteousness and the cleanliness of his hands. He's also full of self-praise for his battle victories and his ability to stamp his enemies as the mire of the street (v. 43). As depicted in Lego, click here.
Chapter 23
David is tired of deathbed songs, and is now making his deathbed speech. He urges the next ruler to be just, and must fight the men of Belial (a rival god) with iron spears. We then get a listing of David's strong men and their feats. Some of the most impressive: Adino the Enzite, who slew 800 men with his spear and Shammah, who killed a bunch of Philistines in a bean field.
Another curious incident is recounted: one time, David was super thirsty and three of his men broke through the enemy's lines to draw water from a well for him, but then he didn't even drink it! He just poured it on the ground for god.
More strong men: Benaiah killed two lionlike men of Moab (v. 20) and an actual lion in a pit. Oddly, the strongest of his strong men, the man David Plotz likens to David's own Donald Rumsfeld, Joab, is only mentioned as being the brother of some of David's other generals. So much for being a vicious infighter.
Chapter 24
Apparently we're time-travelling. At some point in his reign, god gets angry and commands David to take a census. No, that is not what normal gods do when they get angry. I wonder if this is what Michelle Bachman uses to justify her own irrational hatred of the census? Joab protests, but is overridden and goes out to count the people. Nine months later, he comes back to report that there are 800 000 battle-ready men in Israel, of whom 500 000 are Judahites.
David sees the error of his ways, even if the rest of us don't, and begs the lord for forgiveness. Gad the prophet approaches and tells him he can choose his punishment: seven years of famine, 3 months of losing battles to his enemies or three days of pestilence. David opts for the pestilence, which kills 70 000 people in 3 days. That must have been... smelly.
But wait! Just as the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, god forgives the Israelites. David pleads for their lives and gets his answer again from Gad. Gad tells him to go make an altar on a threshing floor. So David goes, and when the farmer sees him he asks what he's doing. The farmer offers his own oxen as sacrifice and his threshing instruments for kindling. David insists on buying it all, then has a nice little barbecue which somehow ends the plague.
David, apparently on his deathbed, although he'll be around for several more books, sings a song. Sadly, the bible does not give the tune. Among the highlights: god flies around on cherubs, which are not the winged babies we think of, but winged creatures with the face of a lion, ox, griffon vulture or man. David thinks pretty highly of himself, it seems, for he claims god has rewarded him according to his righteousness and the cleanliness of his hands. He's also full of self-praise for his battle victories and his ability to stamp his enemies as the mire of the street (v. 43). As depicted in Lego, click here.
Chapter 23
David is tired of deathbed songs, and is now making his deathbed speech. He urges the next ruler to be just, and must fight the men of Belial (a rival god) with iron spears. We then get a listing of David's strong men and their feats. Some of the most impressive: Adino the Enzite, who slew 800 men with his spear and Shammah, who killed a bunch of Philistines in a bean field.
Another curious incident is recounted: one time, David was super thirsty and three of his men broke through the enemy's lines to draw water from a well for him, but then he didn't even drink it! He just poured it on the ground for god.
More strong men: Benaiah killed two lionlike men of Moab (v. 20) and an actual lion in a pit. Oddly, the strongest of his strong men, the man David Plotz likens to David's own Donald Rumsfeld, Joab, is only mentioned as being the brother of some of David's other generals. So much for being a vicious infighter.
Chapter 24
Apparently we're time-travelling. At some point in his reign, god gets angry and commands David to take a census. No, that is not what normal gods do when they get angry. I wonder if this is what Michelle Bachman uses to justify her own irrational hatred of the census? Joab protests, but is overridden and goes out to count the people. Nine months later, he comes back to report that there are 800 000 battle-ready men in Israel, of whom 500 000 are Judahites.
David sees the error of his ways, even if the rest of us don't, and begs the lord for forgiveness. Gad the prophet approaches and tells him he can choose his punishment: seven years of famine, 3 months of losing battles to his enemies or three days of pestilence. David opts for the pestilence, which kills 70 000 people in 3 days. That must have been... smelly.
But wait! Just as the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, god forgives the Israelites. David pleads for their lives and gets his answer again from Gad. Gad tells him to go make an altar on a threshing floor. So David goes, and when the farmer sees him he asks what he's doing. The farmer offers his own oxen as sacrifice and his threshing instruments for kindling. David insists on buying it all, then has a nice little barbecue which somehow ends the plague.
Monday, June 28, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 21
There's a famine. Divinely commanded of course. David asks god what's up, and he says it's punishment for the time Saul killed all those Gibeonites. Except... Saul didn't kill any Gibeonites. Remember? They tricked Joshua into signing a treaty all those books ago. According to Jerry, Saul violated that treaty, which isn't a very satisfying answer. And of course he doesn't bother to address why, exactly, god is turning against his chosen people for another people for a crime committed by someone who is already dead.
In the very next verse, we find out that Saul only sought to slay the Gibeonites, not that he succeeded. David goes to their king and asks how he can atone for Saul's crimes. The king asks for seven of Saul's descendants, and David chooses two of his remaining sons and five of his grandsons, including five of his ex-wife Michal's sons. Way to stick it to your ex, David! You're a model for psychotic ex-husbands everywhere!
The seven men are hung on a hillside in Gibeon. Rizpah, one of Saul's daughters, sits under the trees and chases off the carrion birds.
David hears what Rizpah's doing and he gathers Saul's and Jonathan's bones, then the bones of the seven hanged men and buries them on consecrated ground.
This book is very bad about transitions. In verse 14, David's praying to god for forgiveness for Saul's crimes. In verse 15, the Philistines invade again. Wouldn't that be better as the first verse in a new chapter? But I digress. The Philistines have giants again. First Abashai kills Ishbibenob, the first giant. Then there are several more, including Goliath's brother. Finally, one comes along with extra fingers and toes and is killed by David's nephew. That's the end of the giants for now.
In the very next verse, we find out that Saul only sought to slay the Gibeonites, not that he succeeded. David goes to their king and asks how he can atone for Saul's crimes. The king asks for seven of Saul's descendants, and David chooses two of his remaining sons and five of his grandsons, including five of his ex-wife Michal's sons. Way to stick it to your ex, David! You're a model for psychotic ex-husbands everywhere!
The seven men are hung on a hillside in Gibeon. Rizpah, one of Saul's daughters, sits under the trees and chases off the carrion birds.
David hears what Rizpah's doing and he gathers Saul's and Jonathan's bones, then the bones of the seven hanged men and buries them on consecrated ground.
This book is very bad about transitions. In verse 14, David's praying to god for forgiveness for Saul's crimes. In verse 15, the Philistines invade again. Wouldn't that be better as the first verse in a new chapter? But I digress. The Philistines have giants again. First Abashai kills Ishbibenob, the first giant. Then there are several more, including Goliath's brother. Finally, one comes along with extra fingers and toes and is killed by David's nephew. That's the end of the giants for now.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
2 Samuel, Chapter 20
David hasn't been doling out his political patronage very judiciously, favouring the Judahites, and the other tribes are itching for their fair share. Sheba, a Benjaminite, raises an army, which camps out together, possibly in his garden.
David meanwhile, deals with the 10 concubines Absalom slept with in chapter 16. He locks them up in a house, where they will have food, but will live as widows (ie no more sex). That taken care of, he orders his servant Amasa to gather the men of Judah there within three days.
Amasa takes his sweet time, so David tasks another servant, Abishai, with the task. Then he orders them to go after Sheba. Joab and Amasa go off together. As they're riding along, Joab's sword 'falls out' of its holster. He picks it up, then holds Amasa by the beard as if to kiss him then stabs him viciously in the fifth rib (v. 10). Then Joab and Abishai continue along together.
The people are not impressed by this little act of barbarianism, and after they pull Amasa off the highway and bury him, go off to join Sheba.
Joab's men catch up to Sheba in the town of Abel, which is walled. An Abelite woman asks to speak to Joab. She asks him why he's besieging her city. He says he isn't, he's just trying to get Sheba. She promises to throw Sheba's head over the wall. She goes back into the city and soon the head comes sailing over the wall. True to his word, Joab leaves.
The chapter leaves with a listing of David's chief bureaucrats.
David meanwhile, deals with the 10 concubines Absalom slept with in chapter 16. He locks them up in a house, where they will have food, but will live as widows (ie no more sex). That taken care of, he orders his servant Amasa to gather the men of Judah there within three days.
Amasa takes his sweet time, so David tasks another servant, Abishai, with the task. Then he orders them to go after Sheba. Joab and Amasa go off together. As they're riding along, Joab's sword 'falls out' of its holster. He picks it up, then holds Amasa by the beard as if to kiss him then stabs him viciously in the fifth rib (v. 10). Then Joab and Abishai continue along together.
The people are not impressed by this little act of barbarianism, and after they pull Amasa off the highway and bury him, go off to join Sheba.
Joab's men catch up to Sheba in the town of Abel, which is walled. An Abelite woman asks to speak to Joab. She asks him why he's besieging her city. He says he isn't, he's just trying to get Sheba. She promises to throw Sheba's head over the wall. She goes back into the city and soon the head comes sailing over the wall. True to his word, Joab leaves.
The chapter leaves with a listing of David's chief bureaucrats.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
2 Samuel Chapters 18 & 19
Chapter 18
David's army is back in the thousands rather than the 600 he's been running around with for most of his story. His people beg him not to go and fight Absalom so he sends his generals instead, with orders not to kill Absalom.
The battle takes place in a forest, and 20 000 men die, approximately the same number of military deaths as on D-Day. The forest must share some properties with the island in The Life of Pi, because the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured (v. 8). Even Absalom is a victim. He's riding along on his mule when suddenly his head gets caught in a tree branch and he ends up hanging there, comically, by the neck.
Someone sees this, and when he picks himself up from laughing on the ground, he goes and tells Joab about it. Joab rebukes him for not smiting Absalom against David's orders, then goes and thrusts three either daggers, darts or javelins through Absalom's heart, depending which translation you're reading. Ten of his men witness this barbary and get in on the act, killing him again some more. Then they throw him very unceremoniously into a pit and cover his body with stones. This is somehow humiliating.
In a non-sequitur, we are told that Absalom had erected a pillar in honour of himself, because he had no son. Never mind that period of intensive reproduction when he was locked in his house and fathered no less than 4 kids in 2 years.
Then there's a weird dispute over who's going to tell David that his son is dead. Eventually they both leave. David sees them approaching from different directions. The first one doesn't have any news about Absalom, so David asks the second, who tells him his son is dead. This leads to David's famous lament: O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! (v. 33)
Chapter 19
David is grieving dramatically, as is his style. Joab is disgusted and points out that the king loves his enemies more than his friends, because he doubts he'd be carrying on like this if his entire army had died and Absalom had lived. He tells him to get outside and give comfort to his people or they'll all abandon him. David goes, but this produces further confusion.
David calls for the priests and asks them to bring everyone together. They invite him back to Israel. Shimei, the stone-thrower from a couple of chapters ago, apologises to the king. Mephibosheth, Saul's son is next. David magnanimously gives him some land. An 80 year old man, Barzillai, escorts David and is invited to dinner. But Barzillai is a crotchety old man and only wants to go home. Why show up, then?
As David arrives, a dispute immediately arises between the tribe of Judah and the others over who owns more of the king.
David's army is back in the thousands rather than the 600 he's been running around with for most of his story. His people beg him not to go and fight Absalom so he sends his generals instead, with orders not to kill Absalom.
The battle takes place in a forest, and 20 000 men die, approximately the same number of military deaths as on D-Day. The forest must share some properties with the island in The Life of Pi, because the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured (v. 8). Even Absalom is a victim. He's riding along on his mule when suddenly his head gets caught in a tree branch and he ends up hanging there, comically, by the neck.
Someone sees this, and when he picks himself up from laughing on the ground, he goes and tells Joab about it. Joab rebukes him for not smiting Absalom against David's orders, then goes and thrusts three either daggers, darts or javelins through Absalom's heart, depending which translation you're reading. Ten of his men witness this barbary and get in on the act, killing him again some more. Then they throw him very unceremoniously into a pit and cover his body with stones. This is somehow humiliating.
In a non-sequitur, we are told that Absalom had erected a pillar in honour of himself, because he had no son. Never mind that period of intensive reproduction when he was locked in his house and fathered no less than 4 kids in 2 years.
Then there's a weird dispute over who's going to tell David that his son is dead. Eventually they both leave. David sees them approaching from different directions. The first one doesn't have any news about Absalom, so David asks the second, who tells him his son is dead. This leads to David's famous lament: O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! (v. 33)
Chapter 19
David is grieving dramatically, as is his style. Joab is disgusted and points out that the king loves his enemies more than his friends, because he doubts he'd be carrying on like this if his entire army had died and Absalom had lived. He tells him to get outside and give comfort to his people or they'll all abandon him. David goes, but this produces further confusion.
David calls for the priests and asks them to bring everyone together. They invite him back to Israel. Shimei, the stone-thrower from a couple of chapters ago, apologises to the king. Mephibosheth, Saul's son is next. David magnanimously gives him some land. An 80 year old man, Barzillai, escorts David and is invited to dinner. But Barzillai is a crotchety old man and only wants to go home. Why show up, then?
As David arrives, a dispute immediately arises between the tribe of Judah and the others over who owns more of the king.
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