Monday, October 11, 2010

1 Chronicles, Chapters 13-20

David's reign. Now in technicolour!

Chapter 13

David brings the ark to Jerusalem. On the way, the oxen pulling the cart stumble and Uzza reaches out to keep it from falling. God smites him. This is not new information. David is afraid to keep going and sends the ark to Obededum, no doubt a bebop singer, for safekeeping.

Chapter 14

David builds a house, then marries some more wives to fill it with. He has lots of kids. The Philistines invade. With god's help, communicated through mulberry trees, David defeats them. This causes his fame to spread. The chapters really are this short.

Chapter 15

David gathers the Levites to move the ark of the covenant. We get a list of their names which is too boring to list here. They carry it, singing and dancing. Saul's daughter Michal looks out and hates David for some reason.

Chapter 16

The ark arrives. David gives everybody a bottle of wine. David makes a speech, and it's entirely possible he's drunk, because he says the earth won't move. Then they pray and barbecue and go home.

Chapter 17

God, speaking through Nathan, decides to remain a renter rather than an owner and asks David not to build him a permanent temple. He also promises that the Israelites won't have to move anymore and that David's line will rule forever. David hears about it all and prays.

Chapter 18

David fights, and defeats, the Philistines, the Moabites and the army of Habath. The latter is particularly gruesome as he disables their chariot horses as well. The Syrians try to help and are enslaved for their troubles. He raids the treasury at Hamath and turns the loot into bling. Then, just for good measure, David kills some Edomites to close the chapter.

Chapter 19

The king of Ammon dies, and David tries to send condolence messages because they had a good relationship (read: the Ammonites sent him lots of gold and didn't invade). The princes convince the new king that David is up to no good, and rather than just continue to do what his father did, he shaves the messengers bald and cuts the bums out of their trousers.

They go back and David sends them to Jericho to grow their beards again. Meanwhile, the Ammonites decide that, having pissed David off, their only solution is to invade with the help of the Syrians. David's army prevails and slays 47 000 of their enemies.

Chapter 20

The defeat of the Ammonites. David sees the king's crown and steals it. Then he kills everybody in the city with saws and axes. Another war, this time with the Philistines, in which he defeats a giant. Then there's another war in which Goliath's brother is killed. Then finally he kills a third giant who also has 6 fingers and toes on each appendage.

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