Cornelius is a Roman centurion living in Caesarea. He and his family are very devout. One day, at the oddly specific time of nine o'clock, he hears the voice of god saying that his prayers and alms have been selected as that day's offering, like a first-century post code lottery. Only instead of a new car or swimming pool or something, his reward is that he gets to send to Joppa (Jaffa today) for Simon Peter, currently residing with Simon the Tanner, who will tell him what to do. God I hate riddles. Why can't god just tell him what to do right now? Why does he have to send someone all the way to Joppa? I smell plot contrivance.
Anyway, Cornelius is either too lazy or too busy to go to Joppa himself, so he sends some servants along. As they approach the city, Peter goes up onto a roof. He's hungry, but as his breakfast is being prepared, he falls into a trance. His hunger visions start off with a Magic Carpet being ridden by all
manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping
things, and fowls of the air (v. 12). God tells him Rise,
Peter; kill, and eat (v. 13). Peter initially refuses, because he's still a good Jew and many of the animals in this cornucopia are forbidden by Leviticus. God rebukes him, saying everything he makes is clean, but Peter continues to refuse, until the magic carpet is re-levitated back to heaven. Peter doesn't understand what this hunger fantasy means, but he doesn't have time to think about it, because Cornelius' slaves have arrived at the gate. The holy spirit tells him to go and answer, because they've been sent by god.
Peter lets them in, and the next day they head back to Caesarea. When they arrive, Cornelius bows down to worship him, but Peter briskly nips it in the bud. He's his usual arrogant self, saying he'd never normally go into a gentile's house, but he's making an exception because of what god said up on that rooftop when he was starving. But he doesn't actually know what Cornelius wants. Cornelius informs him that he was also fasting a few days ago when a man in shiny clothing appeared. Does anyone see a pattern here of hunger leading to weird hallucinations? Anyway, Cornelius repeats the story and turns the question about why he's here back on Peter. Peter proclaims this incident as a sign of how god shows no favouritism, he accepts people from any ethnic background. He reminds us of the entire Jesus story, at one point using the expression quick and dead (v. 42), which I always thought meant people who could draw their guns fast, not the living versus the dead, which is what that expression really means. Live and learn.
As he's speaking, the holy spirit possesses everyone in the room, much to the astonishment of the circumcised men who came with Peter. Yes, the bible really does divide you up based on what the tip of your penis looks like. No it doesn't care if you don't have a penis. Anyway, these men are amazed that even gentiles can receive the word and speak in tongues. They ask Peter to baptise them, and to stay awhile. And so begins the conversion of the gentiles as well as the Jews.
Showing posts with label Famous Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Famous Story. Show all posts
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Acts, Chapters 6 & 7: Stoning the annoying
Chapter 6
The "first" conflict in our perfectly harmonious little group arises, with the Greek Jews feeling that their widows are being slighted in favour of the Hebrew widows in the food-distribution system. The senior disciples are like, we're not waiters, so they instruct the junior disciples to find 7 trustworthy men, with trustworthy defined as full of the Holy Ghost (v. 3) to sort this little snafu out so they can pray some more. We even get the names of the appointed supervisors, this is such a big deal. Somehow, it also increases the number of followers.
One of the supervisors, Stephen, is singled out for his hard work. But not everyone appreciates him, and some members of the synagogue start a debate with him, but because he's so wise, they lose. Of course we aren't privy to what was actually said, we're just told this by someone writing for Steve's side. Anyway, the losers in the debate convince some other people to lie that Stephen blasphemed against Moses and god. He's taken to court, where he sits looking angelic.
Chapter 7
The priests ask Stephen if he's been blaspheming. He replies with a summary of the Old Testament which culminates in his telling the priests their ears and hearts aren't circumcised and again accusing them of murdering Jesus. In response, the priests gnash their teeth at Steve, which I assume was the first-century equivalent of biting one's thumb.
Stephen just looks up and sees god and Jesus looking down at him. This is the final straw for the priests, who cover their ears and run him out of town, where they stone him. For some reason, the bible also makes note of the fact that they take all their clothes off and give them to someone named Saul to hold.
As he's being stoned, Stephen prays to Jesus and begs him not to add this to his accusers' list of sins.
The "first" conflict in our perfectly harmonious little group arises, with the Greek Jews feeling that their widows are being slighted in favour of the Hebrew widows in the food-distribution system. The senior disciples are like, we're not waiters, so they instruct the junior disciples to find 7 trustworthy men, with trustworthy defined as full of the Holy Ghost (v. 3) to sort this little snafu out so they can pray some more. We even get the names of the appointed supervisors, this is such a big deal. Somehow, it also increases the number of followers.
One of the supervisors, Stephen, is singled out for his hard work. But not everyone appreciates him, and some members of the synagogue start a debate with him, but because he's so wise, they lose. Of course we aren't privy to what was actually said, we're just told this by someone writing for Steve's side. Anyway, the losers in the debate convince some other people to lie that Stephen blasphemed against Moses and god. He's taken to court, where he sits looking angelic.
Chapter 7
The priests ask Stephen if he's been blaspheming. He replies with a summary of the Old Testament which culminates in his telling the priests their ears and hearts aren't circumcised and again accusing them of murdering Jesus. In response, the priests gnash their teeth at Steve, which I assume was the first-century equivalent of biting one's thumb.
Stephen just looks up and sees god and Jesus looking down at him. This is the final straw for the priests, who cover their ears and run him out of town, where they stone him. For some reason, the bible also makes note of the fact that they take all their clothes off and give them to someone named Saul to hold.
As he's being stoned, Stephen prays to Jesus and begs him not to add this to his accusers' list of sins.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Acts, Chapter 1: It takes a lot to kill an apostle
Apparently, this is the second volume of Luke's book, although it comes after John. At least, it's addressed to Theophilus, as was Luke. It's about what happens in the immediate aftermath of Jesus' death.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
John, Chapter 20: Girls have cooties
Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb and finds the stone is missing and the tomb empty. She runs off to find Simon Peter and tell him that Jesus' body is missing. Simon Peter finds another disciple and together they go to check on Mary's story. They, too, find nothing inside but a burial shroud. Apparently they haven't figured out yet that he must rise again from the dead (v. 9). Not knowing what else to do, the disciples go home.
Mary stays outside the tomb weeping. She peers inside again and suddenly there are two white-robed angels sitting on the floor. They ask her why she's crying and she explains how Jesus is dead and all and it's totally bumming her out. She turns around and Jesus is there, but she doesn't recognise him. In fact, she thinks he's the gardner and he moved the body. She asks for it back. Then he says her name and she gets it and calls him Master.
She must make a move to hug him or something, because Jesus tells her not to touch him because he hasn't ascended yet and cooties might stop the process. She goes off again to tell the disciples what she's seen.
That night, the disciples have gathered in a locked house (fear of their fellow Jews, natch) when Jesus appears and greets them. They don't believe him until he shows them his hands and side, which haven't healed, which kinda makes him a zombie, no? He says he's leaving, but the holy ghost is on its way and to carry on with his work.
Thomas, or Didymus if you're nasty, is away at the time Jesus shows up and therefore doesn't believe the others when they tell him the story. He says he needs to touch the actual injuries to believe it. Eight days later, Jesus shows up again. This time Thomas is there, and he invites him to poke around in his festering wounds. Jesus remarks that though Thomas insisted on seeing to believe, people who just accept wild tales of death and resurrection without question are the really blessed folks. He also gives them some other signs, but we aren't privy to them. John swears there's another book out there somewhere, he just didn't include everything.
Mary stays outside the tomb weeping. She peers inside again and suddenly there are two white-robed angels sitting on the floor. They ask her why she's crying and she explains how Jesus is dead and all and it's totally bumming her out. She turns around and Jesus is there, but she doesn't recognise him. In fact, she thinks he's the gardner and he moved the body. She asks for it back. Then he says her name and she gets it and calls him Master.
She must make a move to hug him or something, because Jesus tells her not to touch him because he hasn't ascended yet and cooties might stop the process. She goes off again to tell the disciples what she's seen.
That night, the disciples have gathered in a locked house (fear of their fellow Jews, natch) when Jesus appears and greets them. They don't believe him until he shows them his hands and side, which haven't healed, which kinda makes him a zombie, no? He says he's leaving, but the holy ghost is on its way and to carry on with his work.
Thomas, or Didymus if you're nasty, is away at the time Jesus shows up and therefore doesn't believe the others when they tell him the story. He says he needs to touch the actual injuries to believe it. Eight days later, Jesus shows up again. This time Thomas is there, and he invites him to poke around in his festering wounds. Jesus remarks that though Thomas insisted on seeing to believe, people who just accept wild tales of death and resurrection without question are the really blessed folks. He also gives them some other signs, but we aren't privy to them. John swears there's another book out there somewhere, he just didn't include everything.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
John, Chapter 19: The Stuff of Mel Gibson's Wet Dreams
Pilate flogs Jesus for a bit, then has him dressed in a crown of thorns and a purple robe. The soldiers smack him around a bit more and call him King of the Jews! (v. 2) Pilate again tries to wash his hands of the mess, saying he can't see where Jesus is guilty, but the audience is bloodthirsty and insists on punishing him for something. Pilate is afraid they're getting out of hand, and goes back in to ask Jesus where he's from. Jesus refuses to answer. Even Pilate is losing his temper at this point, and reminds Jesus that he has the power to either execute or exonerate him here. Jesus says his power comes from god and the people who brought him are the real sinners. I don't know. It seems like not executing the innocent just to appease the braying masses is just one of those unpopular decisions that politicians sometimes have to make and Pilate is just as guilty as the crowd here.
Pilate tries again to say 'Fuck it. I am tired of you bringing me the people you're mad at and expecting me to kill them for you.' But by now the people have just decided to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks, so if they can't get Pilate to convict Jesus of sedition, they'll accuse Pilate of the same thing. Finally, Pilate is convinced that every single person in this drama is utterly insane and it's not worth his own head to save one idiot who is determined to die anyway, so he goes back inside and gets Jesus and says Jews, Behold your King! (v. 14) But the Jews are like, 'Nah, Caesar is our king, not this guy,' which, if you believe anything my hero Bart D. Erhman has to say, which I do, because he's super-knowledgeable about this stuff, would never, ever have happend in a million of one years. Not the Jesus bit, the Caesar bit. Un. Governable.
Finally, Pilate has no choice but to admit defeat and order Jesus crucified. In this version they make Jesus carry his own cross along the Via Dolorosa to Golgotha, where they hang a banner over his head helpfully reading JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS (v. 19) in Greek, Latin and Hebrew. The chief priest prostests the wording of the sign, but Pilate puts his foot down and refuses to change it. Surprisingly, this does not lead to revolt. Meanwhile, the soldiers are trying to figure out what to do with his clothes. Eventually, despite being a Roman soldier, one of them remembers a Hebrew scripture about dividing a prophet's clothing by casting lots, so that's what they do.
Three women, all named Mary, which isn't confusing at all, show up, as well as an unnamed disciple. Jesus orders the disciple to adopt his mother, which he does. Then he complains he's thirsty, so the soldiers give him some vinegar, which kills him.
Because it's the Sabbath, and people don't like thinking about how horrible they are on feast days, the Jews ask Pilate to break the prisoners' legs to speed up their deaths so they can take them off the cross. Only then do they notice that Jesus is dead. One of them callously picks up a spear and stabs him in the side with it. Blood and water pour out. Apparently these fulfill an Old Testament prophecy.
Joseph of Arimathaea, fearing what will happen to Jesus' body if the Jews find it, asks Pilate if he can have it. Pilate shrugs. Nicodemus helps and also brings along a hundred frigging pounds of anointing spices. They wrap the body in the spiced shroud and put him in a fresh tomb conveniently located in the garden where he was crucified, a location that could be anywhere in Jerusalem, depending on your personal beliefs.
Pilate tries again to say 'Fuck it. I am tired of you bringing me the people you're mad at and expecting me to kill them for you.' But by now the people have just decided to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks, so if they can't get Pilate to convict Jesus of sedition, they'll accuse Pilate of the same thing. Finally, Pilate is convinced that every single person in this drama is utterly insane and it's not worth his own head to save one idiot who is determined to die anyway, so he goes back inside and gets Jesus and says Jews, Behold your King! (v. 14) But the Jews are like, 'Nah, Caesar is our king, not this guy,' which, if you believe anything my hero Bart D. Erhman has to say, which I do, because he's super-knowledgeable about this stuff, would never, ever have happend in a million of one years. Not the Jesus bit, the Caesar bit. Un. Governable.
Finally, Pilate has no choice but to admit defeat and order Jesus crucified. In this version they make Jesus carry his own cross along the Via Dolorosa to Golgotha, where they hang a banner over his head helpfully reading JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS (v. 19) in Greek, Latin and Hebrew. The chief priest prostests the wording of the sign, but Pilate puts his foot down and refuses to change it. Surprisingly, this does not lead to revolt. Meanwhile, the soldiers are trying to figure out what to do with his clothes. Eventually, despite being a Roman soldier, one of them remembers a Hebrew scripture about dividing a prophet's clothing by casting lots, so that's what they do.
Three women, all named Mary, which isn't confusing at all, show up, as well as an unnamed disciple. Jesus orders the disciple to adopt his mother, which he does. Then he complains he's thirsty, so the soldiers give him some vinegar, which kills him.
Because it's the Sabbath, and people don't like thinking about how horrible they are on feast days, the Jews ask Pilate to break the prisoners' legs to speed up their deaths so they can take them off the cross. Only then do they notice that Jesus is dead. One of them callously picks up a spear and stabs him in the side with it. Blood and water pour out. Apparently these fulfill an Old Testament prophecy.
Joseph of Arimathaea, fearing what will happen to Jesus' body if the Jews find it, asks Pilate if he can have it. Pilate shrugs. Nicodemus helps and also brings along a hundred frigging pounds of anointing spices. They wrap the body in the spiced shroud and put him in a fresh tomb conveniently located in the garden where he was crucified, a location that could be anywhere in Jerusalem, depending on your personal beliefs.
Monday, April 30, 2012
John, Chapter 13: When is it alright for men to bathe each other?
It's now just before Passover, and Jesus knows he's got to die this weekend. First, god lets the devil enter Judas Iscariot's heart. Then, Jesus takes off his robe and wraps a towel around his waist. He washes the disciples' feet and dries them with same. Simon Peter gets a little squicky at the erotic overtones of another man washing his feet and tries to refuse. Jesus informs him that he doesn't get it and if he doesn't accept this foot bath, he can't go to heaven. Peter takes a deep breath and asks him to wash everything, then. Jesus, who, mind, used to tell us it isn't necessary to wash our hands before eating, stays true to form and says if you've had a bath recently you only need to clean your feet in between. He informs the disciples that most of them are clean enough, but not all, meaning Judas. Then he puts his clothes back on and tells them to wash each others' feet from now on.
Now he starts to talk about his own death, a subject he never, ever gets tired of. He explains that one of them is going to betray him. Of course they want to know who, and he draws it out as long and dramatically as possible, dipping a piece of bread in the gravy and saying the person he passes it to will be the one to betray him, then handing it to Judas, rather than just saying 'Judas will do the deed.' Judas eats the bread, which allows Satan to enter into his body, again. Jesus asks him to get it over with quickly.
Even now that Jesus has explained what is going to happen, the disciples still don't get it. Some of them think Jesus is instructing Judas to buy provisions for the feast, others think he's telling him to give alms to the poor. Regardless, Judas leaves right away.
As soon as he's gone, Jesus tells the others he has a new commandment for them: That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (v. 34) He says he has to go away soon, and they can't come after him yet. Peter gets a bit whiny, asking why he can't go now, and swearing he would lay down his life for him. Jesus mocks him and says he'll deny him three times that night.
Now he starts to talk about his own death, a subject he never, ever gets tired of. He explains that one of them is going to betray him. Of course they want to know who, and he draws it out as long and dramatically as possible, dipping a piece of bread in the gravy and saying the person he passes it to will be the one to betray him, then handing it to Judas, rather than just saying 'Judas will do the deed.' Judas eats the bread, which allows Satan to enter into his body, again. Jesus asks him to get it over with quickly.
Even now that Jesus has explained what is going to happen, the disciples still don't get it. Some of them think Jesus is instructing Judas to buy provisions for the feast, others think he's telling him to give alms to the poor. Regardless, Judas leaves right away.
As soon as he's gone, Jesus tells the others he has a new commandment for them: That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (v. 34) He says he has to go away soon, and they can't come after him yet. Peter gets a bit whiny, asking why he can't go now, and swearing he would lay down his life for him. Jesus mocks him and says he'll deny him three times that night.
Monday, April 23, 2012
John, Chapter 11
Lazarus is sick. We've never met Lazarus before, but we did meet his sisters Mary and Martha back in Luke. The sisters send word to Jesus to come and heal their brother. His reply is kind of heartless: This sickness is not unto death, but for
the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby. (v. 4) And then it gets worse: as Lazarus is getting sicker and sicker, he hangs out for another two days before casually suggesting to his disciples that maybe they ought to swing through Judea again. The disciples are against this plan, pointing out that the last time they went there, the Jews wanted to stone him. He says the hour of his death has not yet arrived, so chill.
A bit later, Jesus informs the disciples that Lazarus is sleeping and he needs to go and wake him. They tell him to just let the poor guy rest, so he explains that Lazarus has died and they need to go. They agree to go, even though they fear the Jews will finish off that stoning they started. When they arrive, they discover that Lazarus has already been dead for 4 days.
Lazarus' sisters hear that Jesus has arrived. Mary sulks in the house, but Martha goes forth to rebuke him for not saving their brother and to ask him to ask god to do something. Jesus promises that Lazarus will rise again. Martha's all yeah, right, when the end of the world comes. But Jesus says I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? (v. 25-26) Martha strokes his ego and says yes, then leaves to find her sister.
Mary is sitting at home with a group of ritual mourners and is all too happy to leave when her sister arrives to whisper that Jesus wants to talk to her. The mourners, feeling like they haven't earned their keep quite yet, deduct that she's going to cry by the grave again and follow her. Mary also rebukes Jesus for not being there, which sparks just the tiniest bit of guilt in him. He asks where the grave is, and even manages to squeeze out a tear, which convinces the Jews that he really does love them, and maybe he could even have saved Lazarus?
They come to the cave where Lazarus is buried and Jesus instructs Martha to move the stone covering the entrance. She protests that by now the body stinks. Jesus points out that she said she believed earlier, so she moves the stone. Jesus says a short prayer and shouts Lazarus, come forth. (v. 43) and he does! In his funeral clothes.
Now, some of the people who saw this become Jesus' followers, but others go and tell the Pharisees, who have been oddly absent in this chapter. The Pharisees have a meeting and point out that if they let Jesus continue, everyone will believe in him and the Romans will take their country away. Caiaphas scoffs that they dont' realise it's better to let one person die than to lose all their land. He predicts that Jesus will die for their nation and diaspora. They make the decision to kill him. This causes Jesus to go into hiding, even missing his favourite ritual of going to Jerusalem during Passover to shriek at people in the temple. They kinda miss him but the priests have ordered his arrest if he shows up.
A bit later, Jesus informs the disciples that Lazarus is sleeping and he needs to go and wake him. They tell him to just let the poor guy rest, so he explains that Lazarus has died and they need to go. They agree to go, even though they fear the Jews will finish off that stoning they started. When they arrive, they discover that Lazarus has already been dead for 4 days.
Lazarus' sisters hear that Jesus has arrived. Mary sulks in the house, but Martha goes forth to rebuke him for not saving their brother and to ask him to ask god to do something. Jesus promises that Lazarus will rise again. Martha's all yeah, right, when the end of the world comes. But Jesus says I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this? (v. 25-26) Martha strokes his ego and says yes, then leaves to find her sister.
Mary is sitting at home with a group of ritual mourners and is all too happy to leave when her sister arrives to whisper that Jesus wants to talk to her. The mourners, feeling like they haven't earned their keep quite yet, deduct that she's going to cry by the grave again and follow her. Mary also rebukes Jesus for not being there, which sparks just the tiniest bit of guilt in him. He asks where the grave is, and even manages to squeeze out a tear, which convinces the Jews that he really does love them, and maybe he could even have saved Lazarus?
They come to the cave where Lazarus is buried and Jesus instructs Martha to move the stone covering the entrance. She protests that by now the body stinks. Jesus points out that she said she believed earlier, so she moves the stone. Jesus says a short prayer and shouts Lazarus, come forth. (v. 43) and he does! In his funeral clothes.
Now, some of the people who saw this become Jesus' followers, but others go and tell the Pharisees, who have been oddly absent in this chapter. The Pharisees have a meeting and point out that if they let Jesus continue, everyone will believe in him and the Romans will take their country away. Caiaphas scoffs that they dont' realise it's better to let one person die than to lose all their land. He predicts that Jesus will die for their nation and diaspora. They make the decision to kill him. This causes Jesus to go into hiding, even missing his favourite ritual of going to Jerusalem during Passover to shriek at people in the temple. They kinda miss him but the priests have ordered his arrest if he shows up.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
John, Chapter 6: Winning souls through free food
Jesus goes across the Sea of Galilee in the effort to escape the crowd, but they follow him anyway, demanding faith healing. He has to go up a mountain to get away from them. It's almost Passover, because it's always Passover.
As he looks down at the crowd, Jesus wonders about feeding them. But it's a test of course. The disciples think they couldn't possibly buy enough food, and no one has thought of the all-you-can-eat buffet yet. Andrew mentions that somebody has a few loaves and a couple of fishes, but there's nowhere near enough. Jesus tells everybody to sit, prays over the food, and tells the disciples to distribute it amongst the 5000 people. When everyone has had his fill, there are still 12 baskets left over. A miracle! That is not at all diminished by the fact that this is the 4th account we've had of it in a row.
After that, the people want to make Jesus their king, but he's feeling shy, so instead he retreats even further up the mountain. Meanwhile, the disciples take a boat to Capernaum. On the way, the wind kicks up a storm. Jesus then casually walks up, gets in the boat, and right away they're at their destination. Another miracle!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the lake, the people notice that a boat is gone. More people are arriving, having heard that Jesus was there. They all head over to Capernaum together. They find Jesus there and ask why he left. He accuses them of not loving him, only his bread, and says they ought to love heaven more than food. Yes, but food is here and no one has ever actually seen heaven, so I can't really blame them.
They ask what they have to do for god. It's very simple: believe. But the crowd isn't satisfied, they want more bread, and barring that, a miracle. But really, they want bread. Jesus' reply: I am the bread of life (v. 35). He tells them that he's from heaven, here to do god's will on earth and save people when the end of the world happens.
The people start whispering amongst themselves that this guy is just Jesus from Nazareth. Jesus them to quit it and promises again to raise them all up into heaven during the apocalypse. He also insults Moses' bread from Exodus, pointing out that all the people who ate it are now dead, but his followers will have eternal life. This sets off a few quarrels about the morality of eating flesh, which Jesus quells by telling them the only way to salvation is to eat his flesh and drink his blood, which does not get any less creepy the more you repeat it. Even the disciples start murmuring about how creepy it is. Jesus confronts them, saying non-believers are not going to heaven and will betray him. This causes some of them to leave, until there are only 12 left. Jesus knows that one of them will betray him, and that one is Judas. Dun dun dun!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
John, Chapter 3: Sports eye black, explained
A king named Nicodemus approaches Jesus and starts asking questions. How can one get into heaven? Rebirth? How? Do you have to crawl back into your mother's uterus? Because, ew. No, water and the holy spirit. Nicodemus is still skeptical and Jesus turns mocking, asking how he can explain heaven if Nick won't even believe him about earthly matters?
Then we get to Tim Tebow's favourite eye black saying, before they changed the rules so he couldn't do that anymore: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (v. 16) He insists that he's there to save the world, but then instantly starts telling us about how people who don't believe in him will rot in hell.
All talked out, he turns next to baptising, which I suppose is better than all the faith healing he was doing in the other books. Less harmful, certainly. Somewhere else, John the Baptist is also baptising people. John's followers tell him that Jesus is engaging in some copyright infringement, but John isn't bothered, insisting he never said he was the Messiah and repeating that non-believers are going straight to hell.
Then we get to Tim Tebow's favourite eye black saying, before they changed the rules so he couldn't do that anymore: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (v. 16) He insists that he's there to save the world, but then instantly starts telling us about how people who don't believe in him will rot in hell.
All talked out, he turns next to baptising, which I suppose is better than all the faith healing he was doing in the other books. Less harmful, certainly. Somewhere else, John the Baptist is also baptising people. John's followers tell him that Jesus is engaging in some copyright infringement, but John isn't bothered, insisting he never said he was the Messiah and repeating that non-believers are going straight to hell.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
John, Chapter 2: How to liven up a Mormon wedding
Jesus goes to the wedding at Cana. Turns out the bridal couple are proto-Mormons and there is no wine, even though Jesus & Co. are thirsty. Very thirsty. So thirsty that Christ is rude to his sainted mother, who throws up her hands and tells the slaves to do whatever Jesus wants.
He tells them to fill up some nearby water pots, then pour a cup out for the Master of Ceremonies. When the MC drinks it, the water turns into wine. He accuses the bridegroom of holding the good wine back until the end, thus commencing an endless cycle of family arguments at Thanksgiving.
After the feast, the company heads briefly to Capernum, then to Jerusalem, since it's Passover time. Upon arrival, he sees the moneychangers and sacrifice-sellers and continues his little fit of pique, throwing their tables to the ground and yelling a lot. The sellers are rightly offended that he is ruining business right before the holy day and ask him to perform a miracle to prove he has authority to do this. Jesus challenges them to destroy the temple and he'll have it rebuilt in 3 days. They point out that it took 46 years to build the temple, and there's no way they're starting again from scratch. But of course Jesus is talking about his body. The disciples will remember this conversation after his crucifixion and finally believe the scriptures. As for Jesus, he remains doubtful about humans. So do I.
He tells them to fill up some nearby water pots, then pour a cup out for the Master of Ceremonies. When the MC drinks it, the water turns into wine. He accuses the bridegroom of holding the good wine back until the end, thus commencing an endless cycle of family arguments at Thanksgiving.
After the feast, the company heads briefly to Capernum, then to Jerusalem, since it's Passover time. Upon arrival, he sees the moneychangers and sacrifice-sellers and continues his little fit of pique, throwing their tables to the ground and yelling a lot. The sellers are rightly offended that he is ruining business right before the holy day and ask him to perform a miracle to prove he has authority to do this. Jesus challenges them to destroy the temple and he'll have it rebuilt in 3 days. They point out that it took 46 years to build the temple, and there's no way they're starting again from scratch. But of course Jesus is talking about his body. The disciples will remember this conversation after his crucifixion and finally believe the scriptures. As for Jesus, he remains doubtful about humans. So do I.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Luke, Chapter 24: The end is upon us
The scene at the tomb. Again, if you're actually interested in all the inconsistencies between Luke and Matthew, plenty of places do it much more justice than I ever could. Even funnier is the respons of some Christians, which is often to say, 'Stop writing a whole new gospel dammit! I already did.'
Anyway, in this version, the various women arrive at the tomb early in the morning after the Sabbath and find it open and empty. Two angels appear and remind them what Jesus said about resurrection. They run off to tell the apostles. Most of them don't believe them, and go about their day. Peter is the one exception: he runs over, sees the shroud, and wonders what's next. Cleopas and another one start off for Emmaus. On the way, Jesus accosts them, but they don't recognise him because god fools them. Right. This is definitely Jesus, whom they've seen nearly every day for years, and they would totally recognise him normally, it's just that god doesn't want them to see it! It makes perfect sense! Jesus asks why they look so sad. They fill him in on the recent events in Jerusalem. Jesus calls them fools.
When they arrive, Jesus makes like he's going to continue on, but they ask him to stay and eat with them. As he passes the bread basket around, they suddenly recognise him, at which point he vanishes. They run back to Jerusalem and find the other apostles. As they're recounting their day, Jesus pops up again in their midst and says hello. I guess this is where the expression 'Scare the bejesus out of someone' comes from. Jesus acts nonchalant, inviting them to touch him and kick him to prove he's flesh and bones. Then he asks for food, and all they can come up with is a bit of broiled fish and a honeycomb. Yech. Then he says this was all to fulfill a prophecy and does some magic trick to make them understand the scriptures in the correct way. I'm guessing it involves beer. They certainly don't share it with us. He tells them that now it's up to them to spread the word, but to stick around in Jerusalem until ye be endued with power from on high. (v. 49) So the very next thing he does is take them to Bethany, where he disappears again. The apostles go into the temple to preach. The end.
Anyway, in this version, the various women arrive at the tomb early in the morning after the Sabbath and find it open and empty. Two angels appear and remind them what Jesus said about resurrection. They run off to tell the apostles. Most of them don't believe them, and go about their day. Peter is the one exception: he runs over, sees the shroud, and wonders what's next. Cleopas and another one start off for Emmaus. On the way, Jesus accosts them, but they don't recognise him because god fools them. Right. This is definitely Jesus, whom they've seen nearly every day for years, and they would totally recognise him normally, it's just that god doesn't want them to see it! It makes perfect sense! Jesus asks why they look so sad. They fill him in on the recent events in Jerusalem. Jesus calls them fools.
When they arrive, Jesus makes like he's going to continue on, but they ask him to stay and eat with them. As he passes the bread basket around, they suddenly recognise him, at which point he vanishes. They run back to Jerusalem and find the other apostles. As they're recounting their day, Jesus pops up again in their midst and says hello. I guess this is where the expression 'Scare the bejesus out of someone' comes from. Jesus acts nonchalant, inviting them to touch him and kick him to prove he's flesh and bones. Then he asks for food, and all they can come up with is a bit of broiled fish and a honeycomb. Yech. Then he says this was all to fulfill a prophecy and does some magic trick to make them understand the scriptures in the correct way. I'm guessing it involves beer. They certainly don't share it with us. He tells them that now it's up to them to spread the word, but to stick around in Jerusalem until ye be endued with power from on high. (v. 49) So the very next thing he does is take them to Bethany, where he disappears again. The apostles go into the temple to preach. The end.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Luke, Chapter 22: Trial and Error
It's Passover, and the priests are trying to find a way to kill Jesus without upsetting the public. Conveniently, Satan chooses that moment to possess John Malkovitch Judas Iscariot, who makes a deal with the priests to give them Jesus when there's no one around.
Now, if you want to nitpick all the contradictions that will appear in the next three chapters between Luke and Matthew, I suggest you start with one of my personal heroes Bart D. Ehrman. I'm not going to discuss them unless I can snark on them. Anyway, the first contradiction is that the ball gets rolling on the day before Passover, when the bread and sacrifices have to be made. But what about way back in Leviticus when we're told that you have to eat your thanksgiving sacrifices on the day? It's not explained.
Anyway, Jesus sends Peter and John off to find a place to have their seder. They ask how they'll know which is the right place. Jesus rolls his eyes and tells them to look for the guy with the pitcher of water, who will lead them to a large, airy room with enough space for all of them. He will not explain why they can only sit on one side of the table.
Of course as soon as they sit down, Jesus starts into his Debbie Downer routine about how he's going to die that night and urging them to drink his wine and eat his bread, calling them his blood and his body and no doubt causing quite a few of them to throw up in their mouths a little.
He also tells them that his betrayer is at the table, and they are curious about that, but really more interested in squabbling about which of them is the greatest. Which is what you would expect when you put a group of men together and give them wine and a big meal. We should only be thankful that they cut out the uh, manhood comparisons that no doubt also happened. Jesus quickly lays the smackdown on them, telling them the youngest will be the ruler of them all. He also promises each of them a tribe of Israel to judge. Even Judas? So confusing!
Next, he starts telling them secrets about themselves. Satan was especially keen to have Simon, and Jesus prays that he won't be tempted. Simon promises not to be. Then he informs Peter that he'll deny him three times before the cock crows. That's another contradiction with Matthew, BTW, for those who are playing along. Also, aren't Simon and Peter the same person? I don't know anymore.
Then he starts talking about their proselytising mission from earlier. Did they lack for anything, despite their lack of shoes or money? Nothing. But now he wants them to do something weird: if they don't have any cash, they're to sell their robes for swords, because this will somehow make a prophecy come true. The disciples, not keen to sell their cloaks in the Jerusalem spring, where it can still freeze at night, manage to muster up two swords. Jesus says that will suffice.
No doubt without doing the dishes after their free meal, our company heads back up the Mount of Olives. Jesus stops somewhere to pray, asking god to take away his suffering, but promising to do whatever god chooses. An angel comes along to comfort him, but it only makes the praying more fervent, until he's swaying back and forth so hard that huge droplets of sweat are flying off him. When he gets up, the disciples have fallen asleep. He rouses them, by which time a crowd led by Judas has appeared. Judas comes up and gives him a kiss. An ear gets cut off. Jesus reattaches it. He asks the priests why they've come at him with swords drawn now, in the dark, when they've been so nice to him at the temple. They don't answer, they just cuff him and take him to the priest's house.
Peter follows behind and huddles with a crowd around a fire. A few of them recognise him, but he denies Jesus three times. At the exact moment that he utters the third denial, the cock crows. Jesus looks at him and he runs outside to cry. Inside, they beat Jesus and blindfold him and hit him again and tell him to say who did it. They also ask him some questions about his claims, but he refuses to answer. So they decide to end the trial and take him off toBiggus Dickus Pilate.
Now, if you want to nitpick all the contradictions that will appear in the next three chapters between Luke and Matthew, I suggest you start with one of my personal heroes Bart D. Ehrman. I'm not going to discuss them unless I can snark on them. Anyway, the first contradiction is that the ball gets rolling on the day before Passover, when the bread and sacrifices have to be made. But what about way back in Leviticus when we're told that you have to eat your thanksgiving sacrifices on the day? It's not explained.
Anyway, Jesus sends Peter and John off to find a place to have their seder. They ask how they'll know which is the right place. Jesus rolls his eyes and tells them to look for the guy with the pitcher of water, who will lead them to a large, airy room with enough space for all of them. He will not explain why they can only sit on one side of the table.
Of course as soon as they sit down, Jesus starts into his Debbie Downer routine about how he's going to die that night and urging them to drink his wine and eat his bread, calling them his blood and his body and no doubt causing quite a few of them to throw up in their mouths a little.
He also tells them that his betrayer is at the table, and they are curious about that, but really more interested in squabbling about which of them is the greatest. Which is what you would expect when you put a group of men together and give them wine and a big meal. We should only be thankful that they cut out the uh, manhood comparisons that no doubt also happened. Jesus quickly lays the smackdown on them, telling them the youngest will be the ruler of them all. He also promises each of them a tribe of Israel to judge. Even Judas? So confusing!
Next, he starts telling them secrets about themselves. Satan was especially keen to have Simon, and Jesus prays that he won't be tempted. Simon promises not to be. Then he informs Peter that he'll deny him three times before the cock crows. That's another contradiction with Matthew, BTW, for those who are playing along. Also, aren't Simon and Peter the same person? I don't know anymore.
Then he starts talking about their proselytising mission from earlier. Did they lack for anything, despite their lack of shoes or money? Nothing. But now he wants them to do something weird: if they don't have any cash, they're to sell their robes for swords, because this will somehow make a prophecy come true. The disciples, not keen to sell their cloaks in the Jerusalem spring, where it can still freeze at night, manage to muster up two swords. Jesus says that will suffice.
No doubt without doing the dishes after their free meal, our company heads back up the Mount of Olives. Jesus stops somewhere to pray, asking god to take away his suffering, but promising to do whatever god chooses. An angel comes along to comfort him, but it only makes the praying more fervent, until he's swaying back and forth so hard that huge droplets of sweat are flying off him. When he gets up, the disciples have fallen asleep. He rouses them, by which time a crowd led by Judas has appeared. Judas comes up and gives him a kiss. An ear gets cut off. Jesus reattaches it. He asks the priests why they've come at him with swords drawn now, in the dark, when they've been so nice to him at the temple. They don't answer, they just cuff him and take him to the priest's house.
Peter follows behind and huddles with a crowd around a fire. A few of them recognise him, but he denies Jesus three times. At the exact moment that he utters the third denial, the cock crows. Jesus looks at him and he runs outside to cry. Inside, they beat Jesus and blindfold him and hit him again and tell him to say who did it. They also ask him some questions about his claims, but he refuses to answer. So they decide to end the trial and take him off to
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Luke, Chapter 10: Too many bloody Marys
Jesus chooses 72 new disciples and sends them a-proselytizing with no money or shoes and instructions not to talk to anyone and to stay in whatever house offers them shelter. They're not to be picky, and they're to heal all the people who ask for it.
As for the cities that reject them, well, we all remember what happened to Sodom, right?
The evangelists return triumphant a while later, full of stories of conquering Satan. Jesus, for his part, gives them power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy (v. 19). Then he thanks god that only stupid people really get his message and all the smart, educated ones reject him. He tells the disciples that they are extra-super-special for all the things they have seen and heard that kings would pay dearly to see and hear.
At this point, a lawyer stands up to ask how he can get into heaven. Jesus' answer is simple, because his followers have just been proven to be idiots: love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. (v. 27) The man, dissatisfied because he's intelligent, asks who his neighbour is. Jesus launches into a story about a man who went to Jericho and got mugged. A bunch of priests passed the man by as he was lying there bleeding from his injuries, but none of them stopped to help. Finally, a Samaritan sees him and takes him to hospital and gives him the cab fare to get home. So, which one was the better neighbour? The lawyer says the Samaritan, and Jesus tells him to act like that guy.
Our entourage leaves and comes to the village where Mary and Martha live. This is at least the third Mary in just this book. Did they have no other names for girls back then? Anyway, Mary and Martha invite them in for tea. Mary sits down to listen to the good news, but Martha is busy serving. After awhile, she whines to Jesus to make her sister help her. Jesus replies that she's being a fusspot about irrelevant details, and her sister knows what's important.
As for the cities that reject them, well, we all remember what happened to Sodom, right?
The evangelists return triumphant a while later, full of stories of conquering Satan. Jesus, for his part, gives them power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy (v. 19). Then he thanks god that only stupid people really get his message and all the smart, educated ones reject him. He tells the disciples that they are extra-super-special for all the things they have seen and heard that kings would pay dearly to see and hear.
At this point, a lawyer stands up to ask how he can get into heaven. Jesus' answer is simple, because his followers have just been proven to be idiots: love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. (v. 27) The man, dissatisfied because he's intelligent, asks who his neighbour is. Jesus launches into a story about a man who went to Jericho and got mugged. A bunch of priests passed the man by as he was lying there bleeding from his injuries, but none of them stopped to help. Finally, a Samaritan sees him and takes him to hospital and gives him the cab fare to get home. So, which one was the better neighbour? The lawyer says the Samaritan, and Jesus tells him to act like that guy.
Our entourage leaves and comes to the village where Mary and Martha live. This is at least the third Mary in just this book. Did they have no other names for girls back then? Anyway, Mary and Martha invite them in for tea. Mary sits down to listen to the good news, but Martha is busy serving. After awhile, she whines to Jesus to make her sister help her. Jesus replies that she's being a fusspot about irrelevant details, and her sister knows what's important.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Luke, Chapter 6: Remember the sabbath, and keep it holy
Jesus and the disciples are in a cornfield, rudely stealing corn. On the Sabbath, no less. The Pharisees point out that this is work and people have been stoned to death for working on the Sabbath. No really, go look in Numbers 15. Jesus says that David stole bread from the priests and he's god so he can do whatever the hell he wants, even if it is the Sabbath.
Another Sabbath day, Jesus is preaching in the temple when a man with a withered hand approaches him to ask for healing. The Pharisees lean in close to see whether he'll break the Sabbath again. Jesus says to them, I will ask you one thing; Is it lawful on the sabbath days to do good, or to do evil? to save life, or to destroy it? (v. 9) Which is the stupid thing about sabbath days: even in freaking Saudi Arabia, where you have morality police that force shopkeepers to shut down five times a day for prayers, the police are working. Anyway, Jesus heals the man and the Pharisees go nuts.
Jesus gets bored of the city and heads out to the mountains, where he commences the very important business of deciding which animals are more equal. Then they go out to a plain, or a mountain, whichever you prefer, to give a sermon. And you just know that somewhere in the back, the Pythons are arguing about whether he said cheese-makers or meek, and who has a bigger nose.
Another Sabbath day, Jesus is preaching in the temple when a man with a withered hand approaches him to ask for healing. The Pharisees lean in close to see whether he'll break the Sabbath again. Jesus says to them, I will ask you one thing; Is it lawful on the sabbath days to do good, or to do evil? to save life, or to destroy it? (v. 9) Which is the stupid thing about sabbath days: even in freaking Saudi Arabia, where you have morality police that force shopkeepers to shut down five times a day for prayers, the police are working. Anyway, Jesus heals the man and the Pharisees go nuts.
Jesus gets bored of the city and heads out to the mountains, where he commences the very important business of deciding which animals are more equal. Then they go out to a plain, or a mountain, whichever you prefer, to give a sermon. And you just know that somewhere in the back, the Pythons are arguing about whether he said cheese-makers or meek, and who has a bigger nose.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Luke, Chapter 3: Is Mitt Romney going to heaven?
John the Baptist has his first schizophrenic episode, which causes him to run off into the wilderness like, oh, I don't know The Unibomber and shriek at people that they are a generation of vipers (v. 7) and to repent and cut down non-fruit-bearing trees and burn them. As Monty Python teaches us, with prophets the crazier the better, so naturally he has a rapt audience. They ask how they can get into heaven. Well, first of all you have to donate most of your worldly goods to the poor, so Mitt Romney, donating 7 million smacks of his 43 million dollarincome isn't quite going to cut it. But he will be fine in Mormon heaven. Other things you can do to get into heaven: have a fair tax code, don't kill people, don't lie, be happy with your wages. So, heaven will be pretty empty, then, I guess.
All this makes people start to wonder if John-boy isn't the Messiah. He says no, he's just here to baptise people with water, but someone even better than him is on his way to baptise them with fire. See what I mean about the crazier the better?
Herod hears about John, and also that he insulted his sister-in-law, so he locks him up in prison. But before that, Jesus came along to get baptised and god was pleased, because heaven forbid the narrative should be linear. In the time it has taken us to flip from chapter 2 to chapter 3, Jesus has aged another 18 years and is now 30.
The last 15 verses of this chapter are Jesus' genealogy, which I am not going to read on principle.
All this makes people start to wonder if John-boy isn't the Messiah. He says no, he's just here to baptise people with water, but someone even better than him is on his way to baptise them with fire. See what I mean about the crazier the better?
Herod hears about John, and also that he insulted his sister-in-law, so he locks him up in prison. But before that, Jesus came along to get baptised and god was pleased, because heaven forbid the narrative should be linear. In the time it has taken us to flip from chapter 2 to chapter 3, Jesus has aged another 18 years and is now 30.
The last 15 verses of this chapter are Jesus' genealogy, which I am not going to read on principle.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Luke, Chapter 2: Miraculous Miracles
So in Mark, which is actually the earliest gospel even though it appears second in the bible, we start off in medias res with Jesus already an adult and performing miracles. But then the end of the world didn't happen, so Matthew amps up the dramatic story and pithy sermons. By the time Luke comes along a few generations later, he's going for full-out bombast, adding miraculous and contradictory details to Matthew's narrative at every possible turn. I'm not going to point out the contradictions, as they've all been pointed out many, many times before by people far more pedantic than I.
Anyway, Luke's version: Cesar orders what is called a tax by the KJV, and a census by many of the other translations. For some bizarre reason, he orders everybody back to their home cities to register for this event. What a logistical nightmare!
Joseph is a descendent of David, so he needs to go back to Bethlehem to register, along with Mary, who is now heavily pregnant. When they arrive, there is no room at the inn because of the crazy logistical nightmare that would so obviously be created by forcing everyone to return to their ancestral homes to register for a tax, so like every bad sitcom ever, Mary goes into labour. And like every sitcom ever, she gives birth in the barn and lays the kid out in a manger.
Meanwhile, out in a field somewhere, an angel, probably Gabriel, because he's the only one, appears to some shepherds and tells them a miracle has happened in Bethlehem and to go there and worship the baby in the manger. So they go, and after figuring out the mix-up with Brian, they find the proper baby and start worshipping him.
Eight days later, Jesus is circumcised and named. A couple of weeks after that, Mary is ready to sacrifice her two turtledoves or pigeons and they start off for home. No word on whether they've spent this entire time in the barn with their kid sleeping in a food trough.
Rather than going straight back to Nazareth like any sane new mother would want to do, Mary and Joseph head to Jerusalem to do more new-baby things. Waiting for them is a crazy person named Simeon, who has been told that he will not die until he sees the Messiah. He grabs the baby and calls him a miracle, then goes off to die happy.
Next up on the crazy train is a prophetess named Anna, who also pronounces the baby the saviour. Mary, it should be mentioned, is lapping all this up, but what parent in history wasn't convinced that his or her kid wasn't a Messiah/Michelangelo/Mozart/miracle?
Finally, finally, Joseph and Mary are able to head back to Nazareth for some peace and quiet. And again like a bad sitcom, Jesus grows up in one verse. We next see him 12 years later in Jerusalem, where he is at the family Passover feast. Now, despite church teaching that Mary stayed a virgin all her life and Jesus had no siblings, they somehow manage to leave him behind. And then they don't notice for an entire day. Parents of the year, those two.
After three days of frantically calling relatives, they finally find him in the temple. They scold him for making them worry, but Jesus, clearly already a smart-mouth, replies How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? (v. 49) They're too tired to argue, so they simply take him back to Nazareth, where he continues to be too big for his britches.
Anyway, Luke's version: Cesar orders what is called a tax by the KJV, and a census by many of the other translations. For some bizarre reason, he orders everybody back to their home cities to register for this event. What a logistical nightmare!
Joseph is a descendent of David, so he needs to go back to Bethlehem to register, along with Mary, who is now heavily pregnant. When they arrive, there is no room at the inn because of the crazy logistical nightmare that would so obviously be created by forcing everyone to return to their ancestral homes to register for a tax, so like every bad sitcom ever, Mary goes into labour. And like every sitcom ever, she gives birth in the barn and lays the kid out in a manger.
Meanwhile, out in a field somewhere, an angel, probably Gabriel, because he's the only one, appears to some shepherds and tells them a miracle has happened in Bethlehem and to go there and worship the baby in the manger. So they go, and after figuring out the mix-up with Brian, they find the proper baby and start worshipping him.
Eight days later, Jesus is circumcised and named. A couple of weeks after that, Mary is ready to sacrifice her two turtledoves or pigeons and they start off for home. No word on whether they've spent this entire time in the barn with their kid sleeping in a food trough.
Rather than going straight back to Nazareth like any sane new mother would want to do, Mary and Joseph head to Jerusalem to do more new-baby things. Waiting for them is a crazy person named Simeon, who has been told that he will not die until he sees the Messiah. He grabs the baby and calls him a miracle, then goes off to die happy.
Next up on the crazy train is a prophetess named Anna, who also pronounces the baby the saviour. Mary, it should be mentioned, is lapping all this up, but what parent in history wasn't convinced that his or her kid wasn't a Messiah/Michelangelo/Mozart/miracle?
Finally, finally, Joseph and Mary are able to head back to Nazareth for some peace and quiet. And again like a bad sitcom, Jesus grows up in one verse. We next see him 12 years later in Jerusalem, where he is at the family Passover feast. Now, despite church teaching that Mary stayed a virgin all her life and Jesus had no siblings, they somehow manage to leave him behind. And then they don't notice for an entire day. Parents of the year, those two.
After three days of frantically calling relatives, they finally find him in the temple. They scold him for making them worry, but Jesus, clearly already a smart-mouth, replies How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? (v. 49) They're too tired to argue, so they simply take him back to Nazareth, where he continues to be too big for his britches.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Luke, Chapter 1: The Holy Ghost gets horny
Finally! I've reached the last of the synoptic gospels (that's old-timey speak for 'plagiarized')! It's no holds barred for the next 24 chapters, and I plan to link to every clip from Monty Python's Life of Brian I can find on You Tube.
Luke starts off as a letter to someone named Theophilius, which probably means we shouldn't be reading his personal mail, right? Anyway, he admits right off the bat that he isn't an actual eyewitness to anything he's describing, and in fact implies that he's at least a couple of generations away from anyone who actually was an eyewitness. This is odd, because in both Mark and Matthew, we were promised the end of the world within a few years. But then, many a doomsday cult has survived long after its expiry date.
He warms us up by telling us the story of Zacharias the priest and his wife Elisabeth, who were John the Baptist's parents. Now, despite being pious Jews who follow all 613 of the Torah's laws to the letter, they don't have any children, which in itself is a violation of law 63, but never mind.
One day, Zacharias is in the temple burning incense when the angel Gabriel appears and informs him that his wife is finally going to get pregnant and give him a son. And not just any son, he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb. (v. 15) Oh, great, he's going to be one of those terrifying children from Jesus Camp. Zach is incredulous, for which Gabriel strikes him dumb.
Elisabeth falls pregnant, though how exactly is not specified, so I'm going to go lowest common denominator and say it was the Holy Ghost and not Zach. Six months later, the Holy Ghost gets horny again and sends Gabe along to Nazareth to inform a virgin called Mary that she is the next 'chosen one.' Mary is skeptical at first, claiming it's impossible as she's never had sex, but Gabe reassures her that with God nothing shall be impossible. (v. 36) God and a healthy dollop of credulity. Mary happens to be Elisabeth's cousin, so Gabe directs her to go and check things out for herself if she doesn't believe him. So Mary sets off for an unnamed city in Judea. When she arrives and calls out a greeting, the baby in Elisabeth's uterus gives a kick, prompting his mother to complete the first verse of Hail Mary.
Mary humbly goes on for a bit about how awesome she is for getting pregnant and fooling everyone into believing it's god's baby, and a very non-specific speech about all the great things god has done for us.
Anyway, after 3 no doubt excruciating months of the two women praising each other to the skies, Mary goes home before John's birth, which is the weirdest thing ever, because didn't women historically stick around for a few weeks after the birth to help with the swaddling and the dishwashing?
At first, everybody wants to call John Zachariah after his father, which I thought Jews didn't do? But Elisabeth remembers that Gabriel told them to name him John instead. The busybodies are confused, and ask Zach if he agrees. Since he can't talk, he signs for a writing tablet, where he scribbles that the baby's name is indeed John. This miraculously loosens his tongue, which he immediately uses to pray.
Luke starts off as a letter to someone named Theophilius, which probably means we shouldn't be reading his personal mail, right? Anyway, he admits right off the bat that he isn't an actual eyewitness to anything he's describing, and in fact implies that he's at least a couple of generations away from anyone who actually was an eyewitness. This is odd, because in both Mark and Matthew, we were promised the end of the world within a few years. But then, many a doomsday cult has survived long after its expiry date.
He warms us up by telling us the story of Zacharias the priest and his wife Elisabeth, who were John the Baptist's parents. Now, despite being pious Jews who follow all 613 of the Torah's laws to the letter, they don't have any children, which in itself is a violation of law 63, but never mind.
One day, Zacharias is in the temple burning incense when the angel Gabriel appears and informs him that his wife is finally going to get pregnant and give him a son. And not just any son, he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb. (v. 15) Oh, great, he's going to be one of those terrifying children from Jesus Camp. Zach is incredulous, for which Gabriel strikes him dumb.
Elisabeth falls pregnant, though how exactly is not specified, so I'm going to go lowest common denominator and say it was the Holy Ghost and not Zach. Six months later, the Holy Ghost gets horny again and sends Gabe along to Nazareth to inform a virgin called Mary that she is the next 'chosen one.' Mary is skeptical at first, claiming it's impossible as she's never had sex, but Gabe reassures her that with God nothing shall be impossible. (v. 36) God and a healthy dollop of credulity. Mary happens to be Elisabeth's cousin, so Gabe directs her to go and check things out for herself if she doesn't believe him. So Mary sets off for an unnamed city in Judea. When she arrives and calls out a greeting, the baby in Elisabeth's uterus gives a kick, prompting his mother to complete the first verse of Hail Mary.
Mary humbly goes on for a bit about how awesome she is for getting pregnant and fooling everyone into believing it's god's baby, and a very non-specific speech about all the great things god has done for us.
Anyway, after 3 no doubt excruciating months of the two women praising each other to the skies, Mary goes home before John's birth, which is the weirdest thing ever, because didn't women historically stick around for a few weeks after the birth to help with the swaddling and the dishwashing?
At first, everybody wants to call John Zachariah after his father, which I thought Jews didn't do? But Elisabeth remembers that Gabriel told them to name him John instead. The busybodies are confused, and ask Zach if he agrees. Since he can't talk, he signs for a writing tablet, where he scribbles that the baby's name is indeed John. This miraculously loosens his tongue, which he immediately uses to pray.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Mark, Chapter 7: Plug your ears to cure deafness
In a show of unconventionality and, now that we have a germ theory, nastiness, Jesus & Co. don't wash their hands before eating or after coming in from the market. Nor do they wash their dishes, cooking pots or tables. And these four verses crystalize perfectly why this book is and ought to be completely irrelevant to us except as a literary and historical curiosity, because I doubt there are any Christians out there who eschew hand washing and claim they're 'following Jesus' teachings.'
Of course the Pharisees don't have a germ theory, because all this 'happened' two thousand years ago, so to them this is just a pissing match about religious customs, which Jesus escalates by pointing out that the Pharisees don't kill disobedient children, even though it's written in Mosaic law. He raises his voice to address the crowd: whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats? (v. 18-19) except again, we now have germ theory. Oh, and apparently this is why we can now eat things like shellfish and pigs. Just make sure you wash them first. Then we get a list of things that do defile us, like fornication and foolishness, at least until we discovered germs.
Jesus tries to pull a Greta Garbo and sneak off to Tyre to be alone. Invariably, people find him and start asking for faith healing. First is a Greek woman with a possessed daughter. Jesus initially refuses, saying he needs all his mojo for his fellow Jews and comparing her to a dog, but she argues with him and he decides to save his energy and just save the girl.
His cover blown, he next seeks some peace and quiet in Decapolis, but no, someone is waiting for him with a deaf guy who also has a speech impediment. Jesus cures him in exactly the way you would expect if you come from a society that values science: he gives him some hearing aids and speech therapy. Oh wait! That's not what happens at all! In fact, he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue (v. 33). Gross! And not likely to work at all! But have at it, true believers, more science for the rest of us. Jesus swears everybody to secrecy, which as we all know is the best way to make sure everyone in the world hears about it.
Of course the Pharisees don't have a germ theory, because all this 'happened' two thousand years ago, so to them this is just a pissing match about religious customs, which Jesus escalates by pointing out that the Pharisees don't kill disobedient children, even though it's written in Mosaic law. He raises his voice to address the crowd: whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats? (v. 18-19) except again, we now have germ theory. Oh, and apparently this is why we can now eat things like shellfish and pigs. Just make sure you wash them first. Then we get a list of things that do defile us, like fornication and foolishness, at least until we discovered germs.
Jesus tries to pull a Greta Garbo and sneak off to Tyre to be alone. Invariably, people find him and start asking for faith healing. First is a Greek woman with a possessed daughter. Jesus initially refuses, saying he needs all his mojo for his fellow Jews and comparing her to a dog, but she argues with him and he decides to save his energy and just save the girl.
His cover blown, he next seeks some peace and quiet in Decapolis, but no, someone is waiting for him with a deaf guy who also has a speech impediment. Jesus cures him in exactly the way you would expect if you come from a society that values science: he gives him some hearing aids and speech therapy. Oh wait! That's not what happens at all! In fact, he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue (v. 33). Gross! And not likely to work at all! But have at it, true believers, more science for the rest of us. Jesus swears everybody to secrecy, which as we all know is the best way to make sure everyone in the world hears about it.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Mark, Chapter 6: How to cure faith healing
Jesus goes back to Nazareth and starts teaching in the temple. The people are amazed that this is the same carpenter with 6 brothers and sisters, which the bible commentaries either gloss over completely or dismiss as being mere relatives, because in the fantasy, Mary stayed a virgin her entire life.
Anyway, the Nazarenes don't believe in Jesus and so take away his ability to heal people. Because it was only based on faith. Just like the idea that house prices will always go up or gold is a good investment.
Jesus quickly bores of his hometown and sends the disciples off to do good works, telling them to only take a staff, a cloak and a pair of sandals. Any place that refuses to receive them will be burnt up like Sodom and Gomorrha. So they go around casting out devils and anointing people with oil.
Meanwhile, Herod finally hears about Jesus and thinks he's the reincarnated John the Baptist, who, you will recall, he executed after his sister-in-law forced her daughter to ask for his head in a basket after she danced really nicely instead of an iPhone or some Ugg boots like any other teenage girl would want. Other people think he's Elijah or another prophet.
The disciples return, and Jesus decides to take them out to the desert for a corporate retreat, where they'll picnic and share their stories from the road. Unfortunately, people see them leaving and follow them. And after sitting out in the desert all day, they start to get pretty hungry. The disciples nicely offer to go into town and get some bread, but Jesus wants to show off his loaves-and-fishes trick, so they do that instead. Then the disciples take off for yet another cruise while Jesus heads up a mountain to pray. In the evening, he walks across water to rejoin the disciples, who are attempting to row the boat in a nasty storm. Jesus calms the sea down and they continue to their destination, where people immediately start bringing sick relatives over for him to heal.
Anyway, the Nazarenes don't believe in Jesus and so take away his ability to heal people. Because it was only based on faith. Just like the idea that house prices will always go up or gold is a good investment.
Jesus quickly bores of his hometown and sends the disciples off to do good works, telling them to only take a staff, a cloak and a pair of sandals. Any place that refuses to receive them will be burnt up like Sodom and Gomorrha. So they go around casting out devils and anointing people with oil.
Meanwhile, Herod finally hears about Jesus and thinks he's the reincarnated John the Baptist, who, you will recall, he executed after his sister-in-law forced her daughter to ask for his head in a basket after she danced really nicely instead of an iPhone or some Ugg boots like any other teenage girl would want. Other people think he's Elijah or another prophet.
The disciples return, and Jesus decides to take them out to the desert for a corporate retreat, where they'll picnic and share their stories from the road. Unfortunately, people see them leaving and follow them. And after sitting out in the desert all day, they start to get pretty hungry. The disciples nicely offer to go into town and get some bread, but Jesus wants to show off his loaves-and-fishes trick, so they do that instead. Then the disciples take off for yet another cruise while Jesus heads up a mountain to pray. In the evening, he walks across water to rejoin the disciples, who are attempting to row the boat in a nasty storm. Jesus calms the sea down and they continue to their destination, where people immediately start bringing sick relatives over for him to heal.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Matthew, Chapter 28: The cat came back
A couple of days later, a couple of Marys come to gawk at the sepulchre. I've actually been to the church where all this supposedly happened, and not much has changed. Anyway, as they're taking photos, an earthquake strikes and an angel rolls the stone back. Zombie Jesus is inside, His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow (v. 3). He kills the guards and eats their brains The guards fall down dead.
The angels assure the women that they're cool, and invites them into the tomb for more photo ops. He tells them to go and alert the disciples and that Jesus will meet all of them in Galilee. Jesus meets them, and they have a joyful, foot-hugging reunion.
Meanwhile, some of the guards have found the dead guards and run to tell the city fathers. They bribe the guards to say that the disciples stole Jesus' body while they slept and promise to cover for them if Pilate asks questions.
Back to Jesus and the disciples, who have gone off into the mountains for some quiet time. Jesus says he's fully god now and tells them to keep spreading his message. The end.
The angels assure the women that they're cool, and invites them into the tomb for more photo ops. He tells them to go and alert the disciples and that Jesus will meet all of them in Galilee. Jesus meets them, and they have a joyful, foot-hugging reunion.
Meanwhile, some of the guards have found the dead guards and run to tell the city fathers. They bribe the guards to say that the disciples stole Jesus' body while they slept and promise to cover for them if Pilate asks questions.
Back to Jesus and the disciples, who have gone off into the mountains for some quiet time. Jesus says he's fully god now and tells them to keep spreading his message. The end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)