A bunch of dudes are all living together in the church at Antioch, preaching and fasting. One day, the holy ghost reserves Barnabas and Saul for some special tasks he wants done. So after more fasting and praying, they head off to Cyprus with John as their assistant.
As they proselytise their way around Cyprus, the eventually come to a place called Paphos, where they find a sorcerer called Barjesus, who is an assistant to the local Roman official, Sergius Paulus. Sergi wants to hear all about god, but the sorcerer, who is now suddenly called Elymas, interferes. Saul (or possibly Paul, are we all good and confused now?) looks at the sorcerer, calls him a son of the devil, and blinds him. Didn't this just happen with another sorcerer? Or did I stumble into an episode of Passions? Anyway, it's enough to convince Sergi.
S/Paul and Barnabas move on to Perga, but John goes back to Jerusalem. But then they get bored in Cyprus and head back to Antioch, where they settle into the synagogue again. On the sabbath, the chief priests send them a message asking them if they want to address the people. So S/Paul stands up and recites the history of the Jews from the time of Moses, because that never gets boring with repetition, and the story of Jesus, making sure to link him to David and the psalms. He warns us that when David died, god found corruption in him, but that Jesus was perfect and uncorrupted. He also assures them that belief in Jesus allows them to be square with god, unlike the laws of Moses, and urges them to repent.
When the Jews leave, a bunch of gentiles clamour outside the synagogue for S/Paul and Barnabas to come and preach at their church next weekend. Nearly the entire city shows up to hear the preaching, which makes the Jews green with envy. S/Paul and Barnabas coolly tell them they had their chance and didn't listen, so now they're spreading the word to the gentiles as well. So the Jews banish them and they go to Iconium.
Showing posts with label Psalms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Psalms. Show all posts
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Acts, Chapter 1: It takes a lot to kill an apostle
Apparently, this is the second volume of Luke's book, although it comes after John. At least, it's addressed to Theophilus, as was Luke. It's about what happens in the immediate aftermath of Jesus' death.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
His first decree is to stay in Jerusalem until they get a gift from god, which will be the holy ghost. They ask if Jesus is going to restore Israel to the Israelites, and Jesus is vague, saying this isn't his jurisdiction, but leaving the door open by saying that it's god's call. He does promise that the holy ghost will infuse them with the power to go and endlessly badger people in Samaria, Judea and beyond. Then he goes up to heaven. Well, that was short!
The disciples watch him floating upwards, and when they look around again, there are two dudes dressed in white standing next to them. The dudes promise that Jesus will return in the same way he left.
They trek back to their one (!) room in Jerusalem that all 11 of them share, because even then Jerusalem was really fucking expensive and no one has thought of settling in Palestine yet. Even more people join them, including Jesus' mother Mary, a number of unnamed women (though they're probably also Marys) and Jesus' brothers. There are about 120 of them in total, and I'm not even going to try to figure out how they fit.
At some point, Peter stands up and starts talking about fulfilling a scripture about Judas, which was supposedly said by David while he was possessed by the holy ghost. Supposedly Judas used his reward money for turning Jesus in to the Romans to buy a field, but then one day he fell down in such a way that his guts burst open like a balloon. Never mind that in Matthew he hung himself! Apparently, by writing a whole new gospel, you can fan-wank this bit so that as he was hanging himself, he fell down and that's how his guts burst open. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, I suppose. They rename the field Aceldama, that is to say, The field of blood (v. 19), which fulfills something in the book of Psalms. Anyway, what Peter has been building up to with this bit of salacious gossip, is that now they have to replace Judas. But they can't decide between Joseph Justus (a porn name if I've ever heard one) and Matthias, so they pray to god to tell them which one to choose. Now, I know there are Christians out there who make every decision this way, asking god whether to wear the red nail polish or the pink, the strappy sandals or the mules, but it just seems so time-consuming. Like, what if god is busy telling three different Republicans to run for president and you're late for work? Is your boss going to accept 'Sorry, I was waiting for god to get back to me about whether to shave today,' as an excuse?
Oh, no. It turns out they have a very convenient method for figuring out which candidate god favours: they cast lots. And the lots say Matthias.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Proverbs, Chapter 12: Not written by a feminist
If you love learning, you love knowledge. Okay, that I agree with. But as the saying goes, if you take an infinite number of monkeys and put them in front of an infinite number of typewriters and let them bash away forever, one of them will eventually bash out Shakespeare.
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones (v. 4). And a guy who has 700 wives and 300 concubines then writes a book admonishing women to be chaste? What's he? Oh, right. A load of crap.
The thoughts of the righteous are right (v. 5) Wow. That's some Jersey Shore-level logic going on there.
Huh. Verse 10 is the first rule on animal cruelty: A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel. I wonder if they're still sacrificing like, 45 animals a day at this point. Then there are a lot of Michael Pollanesque lines about eating fruit and bread.
There's a lot about wicked people being liars who talk too much and the righteous always tell the truth or keep their own counsel and bad things never happen to them. Except to whoever wrote Psalms.
A prudent man concealeth knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness (v. 23). So no one who ever won Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit was prudent? That sucks. Those people are my heroes. I can, however, agree that going on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader is not a wise choice.
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones (v. 4). And a guy who has 700 wives and 300 concubines then writes a book admonishing women to be chaste? What's he? Oh, right. A load of crap.
The thoughts of the righteous are right (v. 5) Wow. That's some Jersey Shore-level logic going on there.
Huh. Verse 10 is the first rule on animal cruelty: A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel. I wonder if they're still sacrificing like, 45 animals a day at this point. Then there are a lot of Michael Pollanesque lines about eating fruit and bread.
There's a lot about wicked people being liars who talk too much and the righteous always tell the truth or keep their own counsel and bad things never happen to them. Except to whoever wrote Psalms.
A prudent man concealeth knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness (v. 23). So no one who ever won Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit was prudent? That sucks. Those people are my heroes. I can, however, agree that going on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader is not a wise choice.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Proverbs, Chapters 2-3: Hansel and Gretel and the bible
Chapter 2
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
The key to wisdom is still fearing god. Remember, the person who said this is most famous for having 700 wives and 300 concubines and for trying to cut a baby in half. Fortunately, us modern folk have Wikipedia and don't have to rely on him.
The secondary key is to avoid strange women, especially going into their houses, because as fairy tales have taught us well, no one ever comes out.
Chapter 3
This one starts off promisingly, with verse 3: Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart, but then immediately dissembles in verse 5, advising us to Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In other words, don't think for yourself, trust in your religious leaders. It does not say what to do if your religious leaders seem bent on holy war or inquisition or are just plain batshit crazy.
Of course, if you're rich and lazy, another path to wisdom is to buy it. If you donate money and make sacrifices, you'll get a tenfold return on your investment in the form of flowing wine cellars and full barns.
Solomon, wise advocate for abusive deities everywhere, gives the typical wife/husband/child-beaters explanation for god's poor self-control in verse 12: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
Then of course, we get a good verse in 13: Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. Yes, as long as he goes to the library and finds it, not if he looks in Jerry Falwell's annotated stupidity.
A treatise on the wonders of wisdom: it's better than silver, gold or rubies, assuming you don't have to eat. God is wise, and if you follow his commandments, you'll end up in paradise. Assuming you don't, you know, hit a rock the wrong way like Moses and end up sentenced to wandering around the desert for 40 years.
Solomon closes out the chapter with a few more good verses about justice, being kind to your neighbour, not picking stupid fights, and only oppressing people when it's strictly necessary.
I want to like this book, especially since it isn't Psalms, but like so much of the bible, it's a mixed bag: a good verse or two about wisdom and justice, followed by entreaties xenophobia and enriching Solomon's treasury.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Psalms 146-150: The best thing about this book is that it ends
Psalm 146
Trust no one except god. God made the earth. God judges the wicked, sets prisoners free, feeds the hungry, cures blindness, frees slaves, helps the righteous, is kind to widows, orphans and strangers and awful to the wicked. Repeat something often enough, it will at least start to sound true.
Psalm 147
More of god's good deeds: he built Jerusalem, rescued the Israelites (from a situation he himself created, let's not forget), heals broken hearts and bones, named all the stars, helps the weak, punishes the wicked, gives us rain, makes the grass grow, feeds the animals, makes the wheat grow, causes seasons, winds and tides.
Psalm 148
Everything, from mountains to dragons, should praise the lord.
Psalm 149
We should praise god not just with singing and tambourines (though those are important), but also with swords, which we should use to exact vengeance on heathens and to tie up their kings and nobles.
Psalm 150
The instruments we should use to praise god: trumpets, psaltries (lutes), harps, tambourines, dancing, stringed instruments, organs, cymbals.
Finally! This book full of vicious invective about dropping coals on enemies and smacking their children against rocks is done. On now to Proverbs, the supposed collection of Solomon's wisdom. While reading it, let's not forget that this is the guy who wanted to cut a baby in half.
Trust no one except god. God made the earth. God judges the wicked, sets prisoners free, feeds the hungry, cures blindness, frees slaves, helps the righteous, is kind to widows, orphans and strangers and awful to the wicked. Repeat something often enough, it will at least start to sound true.
Psalm 147
More of god's good deeds: he built Jerusalem, rescued the Israelites (from a situation he himself created, let's not forget), heals broken hearts and bones, named all the stars, helps the weak, punishes the wicked, gives us rain, makes the grass grow, feeds the animals, makes the wheat grow, causes seasons, winds and tides.
Psalm 148
Everything, from mountains to dragons, should praise the lord.
Psalm 149
We should praise god not just with singing and tambourines (though those are important), but also with swords, which we should use to exact vengeance on heathens and to tie up their kings and nobles.
Psalm 150
The instruments we should use to praise god: trumpets, psaltries (lutes), harps, tambourines, dancing, stringed instruments, organs, cymbals.
Finally! This book full of vicious invective about dropping coals on enemies and smacking their children against rocks is done. On now to Proverbs, the supposed collection of Solomon's wisdom. While reading it, let's not forget that this is the guy who wanted to cut a baby in half.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Psalms 141-145: Nasty, brutish and short
Psalm 141
The Psalmist asks god to stop him from doing evil, and begs him to let the righteous smite him. Death by cop? He says he doesn't care if his bones are scattered when he dies, because his eyes will be heavenward. And of course, he asks god to smite the wicked.
Psalm 142
David is feeling neglected, but he's still crafty: he won't pray until god gets him out of whatever trouble he's in.
Psalm 143
David is feeling persecuted and comforts himself by remembering the halcyon days of yore, when god actually spoke to him, and smote his enemies and so on.
Psalm 144
Praise be to god for teaching us to fight in war! Christianity is a religion of peace, be damned. Anyway, the psalmist would like god's help in smiting a few enemies, just some volcanoes and lightening. Then he can sing to god to make everything hunky-dory.
Psalm 145
God is slow to anger. Uh-huh. And he's nice to children and animals. Except Babylonian babies. He helps all that call out to him. This psalm is all propoganda.
The Psalmist asks god to stop him from doing evil, and begs him to let the righteous smite him. Death by cop? He says he doesn't care if his bones are scattered when he dies, because his eyes will be heavenward. And of course, he asks god to smite the wicked.
Psalm 142
David is feeling neglected, but he's still crafty: he won't pray until god gets him out of whatever trouble he's in.
Psalm 143
David is feeling persecuted and comforts himself by remembering the halcyon days of yore, when god actually spoke to him, and smote his enemies and so on.
Psalm 144
Praise be to god for teaching us to fight in war! Christianity is a religion of peace, be damned. Anyway, the psalmist would like god's help in smiting a few enemies, just some volcanoes and lightening. Then he can sing to god to make everything hunky-dory.
Psalm 145
God is slow to anger. Uh-huh. And he's nice to children and animals. Except Babylonian babies. He helps all that call out to him. This psalm is all propoganda.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Psalms 136-140: Bash babies' heads against rocks for god!
Psalm 136
Every verse of this psalm ends in for his mercy endureth forever. It's mesmerising. So what are some examples of god's enduring mercy? Well, there's the earth and the sea and the heavens... and the time he killed all those Egyptian children, drowned the soldiers and killed a bunch of kings so the Israelites could have their property.
Psalm 137
If you think Russian baby yoga is child abuse, this is not the psalm for you. It starts off as a lament for the Israelite exile in Babylon, which is fine, but then the last two verses are addressed to Babylonian mothers O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (v. 8-9). I haven't talked about Jerry Falwell's bible for a long time, but this is his commentary on this Psalm: 'The vividness of the final verse is justified if one remembers a simple fact: baby Babylonians grow up to be big Babylonians. The hope that their babies will die is the prayer that no new Babylonian generation will arise seeking the worldwide dominion through cruel oppression.' Proof yet again that supposedly 'pro life' Christians only care about babies so long as they're inside their mothers' bodies, but don't give a hoot once they're out in the world.
Psalm 138
Immediately after killing babies with stones, the psalms go back to praising god for being a source of comfort in hard times. Except when somebody kills your child.
Psalm 139
God is your Facebook stalker, the one who catalogues your every word and gesture, even, apparently if you go to hell. There are some more scary-stalker verses about how god watches us when we sleep, followed by an imprecation to please, please, please kill the wicked.
Psalm 140
Another listing of the sins of the wicked. This time the psalmist would like god to please drop burning coals on their heads and/or throw them into the fire.
Every verse of this psalm ends in for his mercy endureth forever. It's mesmerising. So what are some examples of god's enduring mercy? Well, there's the earth and the sea and the heavens... and the time he killed all those Egyptian children, drowned the soldiers and killed a bunch of kings so the Israelites could have their property.
Psalm 137
If you think Russian baby yoga is child abuse, this is not the psalm for you. It starts off as a lament for the Israelite exile in Babylon, which is fine, but then the last two verses are addressed to Babylonian mothers O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (v. 8-9). I haven't talked about Jerry Falwell's bible for a long time, but this is his commentary on this Psalm: 'The vividness of the final verse is justified if one remembers a simple fact: baby Babylonians grow up to be big Babylonians. The hope that their babies will die is the prayer that no new Babylonian generation will arise seeking the worldwide dominion through cruel oppression.' Proof yet again that supposedly 'pro life' Christians only care about babies so long as they're inside their mothers' bodies, but don't give a hoot once they're out in the world.
Psalm 138
Immediately after killing babies with stones, the psalms go back to praising god for being a source of comfort in hard times. Except when somebody kills your child.
Psalm 139
God is your Facebook stalker, the one who catalogues your every word and gesture, even, apparently if you go to hell. There are some more scary-stalker verses about how god watches us when we sleep, followed by an imprecation to please, please, please kill the wicked.
Psalm 140
Another listing of the sins of the wicked. This time the psalmist would like god to please drop burning coals on their heads and/or throw them into the fire.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Psalms 131-135: There's some oil in your beard
Psalm 131
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
Whoa! David actually manages to stay humble for 3 whole verses.
Psalm 132
David swears not to rest until he finds a suitable dwelling place for god, then quickly decides to put the ark of the covenant on Ephratah before he can, you know, get sleep-deprived or anything. He reminds god about how he promised to keep his family on the throne as long as they kept the covenant and promises to feed the poor in return. I find myself hugging democracy.
Psalm 133
Brotherly unity (or a unified Israel, depending who you want to believe) is like the anointing oil that ran down Aaron's head, into his beard, and down his garments. Yuck.
Psalm 134
If you were to take a drink every time you see the word bless, you'd be drunk by the time you finished this psalm, even though it's only 3 verses.
Psalm 135
God does whatever he wants, which mostly consists of natural disasters and smiting people and giving their land to Israel. Oh, and heathen idols suck and Aaron's family rules.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Psalms 126-130: How full is your quiver?
Psalm 126
During one of the Israelites' many periods in exile, the psalmist asks god to restore them to their rightful land.
Psalm 127
I'm always surprised by the verses that wacky extremists seize on. So this psalm, despite being only 5 verses long, packs a lot into a short space. First it informs us that if your house or city isn't god-approved, there's no point building it. Nor is there any point in getting up early, working hard, and going to bed late, because if god doesn't like you, you won't get to eat. Then it tells us to have kids. Like 20+. Because they're a reward from god. Career? Travel? Art? Books? Nope. Why? Because they didn't exist when this book was written.
Psalm 128
More on the theme of fearing god: if you do, your vines will be plentiful, as will your wife's womb. Yet another thing to blame the women for. Oh, and you'll live long enough to see your grandchildren.
Psalm 129
A lot of metaphors about using gardening implements on your enemies. It's very Cohen brothers.
Psalm 130
Whoops! God has stopped opening and closing wombs and is ignoring the psalmist again.
During one of the Israelites' many periods in exile, the psalmist asks god to restore them to their rightful land.
Psalm 127
I'm always surprised by the verses that wacky extremists seize on. So this psalm, despite being only 5 verses long, packs a lot into a short space. First it informs us that if your house or city isn't god-approved, there's no point building it. Nor is there any point in getting up early, working hard, and going to bed late, because if god doesn't like you, you won't get to eat. Then it tells us to have kids. Like 20+. Because they're a reward from god. Career? Travel? Art? Books? Nope. Why? Because they didn't exist when this book was written.
Psalm 128
More on the theme of fearing god: if you do, your vines will be plentiful, as will your wife's womb. Yet another thing to blame the women for. Oh, and you'll live long enough to see your grandchildren.
Psalm 129
A lot of metaphors about using gardening implements on your enemies. It's very Cohen brothers.
Psalm 130
Whoops! God has stopped opening and closing wombs and is ignoring the psalmist again.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Psalms 121-125: Postcards from the edge
Thank goodness these ones are all short after Friday's epic prayer.
Psalm 121
Over hill, over dale who's that coming down the trail to help our faithful psalmist? Why god, of course, who never sleeps and provides shade from the sun. So no need for sunscreen then, right?
Psalm 122
This one is written like a tourist postcard from a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I'm sure hundreds of them are still sent using almost the exact same words.
Psalm 123
Blah blah blah mercycakes.
Psalm 124
Thank goodness god was there all those times enemies attacked!
Psalm 125
Another prayer for peace and security that nonetheless ends by asking god to smite hostile tribes.
Psalm 121
Over hill, over dale who's that coming down the trail to help our faithful psalmist? Why god, of course, who never sleeps and provides shade from the sun. So no need for sunscreen then, right?
Psalm 122
This one is written like a tourist postcard from a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. I'm sure hundreds of them are still sent using almost the exact same words.
Psalm 123
Blah blah blah mercycakes.
Psalm 124
Thank goodness god was there all those times enemies attacked!
Psalm 125
Another prayer for peace and security that nonetheless ends by asking god to smite hostile tribes.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Psalms 116-120: the long and short of it
Psalm 116
God finally talks to the psalmist, who uses the opportunity to bitch about how he's sooo close to dying. Rather than leave him to it, god restores him to the land of the living (v. 9), where he promises to devote his life to praise.
Psalm 117
The only notable thing about this Psalm is that it's the shortest chapter in the bible, so short it doesn't even have time to ask god to smite anybody.
Psalm 118
Mercy, mercy, mercy. God destroyed my enemies. Praise, praise, praise.
Psalm 119
Ugh. The longest chapter in this entire book and it's a love poem to god's laws.
First, people who keep god's laws are perfect. Like Gwyneth Paltrow perfect.
In the next section, the psalmist is pretending to be a young man seeking to make his way in the world. The best advice he's given? Follow god's laws. Or start your own religion and make up your own laws.
Next, the psalmist tells us how hot and bothered he gets just thinking about being judged by god and begs him to make him understand it better. If you substitute 'spanking' for 'law' it gets pretty kinky.
Then there's the inevitable request for mercy and a recap of all the times it helped him in the past and the invariable plea for more attention. And of course to punish the wicked. Never forget to curse the wicked!
Then he starts bragging about how, thanks to god's law, he's smarter than anyone. No self-awareness whatsoever, after all those verses about proud and arrogant people.
The psalmist loves law more than gold. I guess no one told him how frequently those two things go together. He also pants when he thinks about how much he loves it (v. 131). I told you it's kinky.
Then there are several verses about how god's word is so beautiful, it hurts to look at it. He also informs us that he prays seven times a day.
Psalm 120
This is the Psalm of the expat gone mad: he complains about how much he hates the locals, how they're all lying war-mongerers and asks god to please let him go home. You can never go home again, my friend.
God finally talks to the psalmist, who uses the opportunity to bitch about how he's sooo close to dying. Rather than leave him to it, god restores him to the land of the living (v. 9), where he promises to devote his life to praise.
Psalm 117
The only notable thing about this Psalm is that it's the shortest chapter in the bible, so short it doesn't even have time to ask god to smite anybody.
Psalm 118
Mercy, mercy, mercy. God destroyed my enemies. Praise, praise, praise.
Psalm 119
Ugh. The longest chapter in this entire book and it's a love poem to god's laws.
First, people who keep god's laws are perfect. Like Gwyneth Paltrow perfect.
In the next section, the psalmist is pretending to be a young man seeking to make his way in the world. The best advice he's given? Follow god's laws. Or start your own religion and make up your own laws.
Next, the psalmist tells us how hot and bothered he gets just thinking about being judged by god and begs him to make him understand it better. If you substitute 'spanking' for 'law' it gets pretty kinky.
Then there's the inevitable request for mercy and a recap of all the times it helped him in the past and the invariable plea for more attention. And of course to punish the wicked. Never forget to curse the wicked!
Then he starts bragging about how, thanks to god's law, he's smarter than anyone. No self-awareness whatsoever, after all those verses about proud and arrogant people.
The psalmist loves law more than gold. I guess no one told him how frequently those two things go together. He also pants when he thinks about how much he loves it (v. 131). I told you it's kinky.
Then there are several verses about how god's word is so beautiful, it hurts to look at it. He also informs us that he prays seven times a day.
Psalm 120
This is the Psalm of the expat gone mad: he complains about how much he hates the locals, how they're all lying war-mongerers and asks god to please let him go home. You can never go home again, my friend.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Psalms 111-115: The home stretch
Psalm 111
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (v. 10) I like my deities a little more upbeat, thanks.
Psalm 112
Some details about what good fearing god does you: you'll have children who will become mighty upon earth (v. 2), you'll be rich, gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous. (v. 4). You'll use good judgement, you'll be remembered forever, you'll never have to fear, your um, horn, will be blessed, your enemies will be destroyed. It's like having a fairy godmother!
Psalm 113
God elevates the poor to royal stations and makes infertile women fecund.
Psalm 114
A reminder to nature that it should also fear god.
Psalm 115
My god is better than your god! Why? Because my god is in the sky and your god is just some stinky idol made out of precious metal! Yours may have sensory organs, but he has no senses, just like you! Na-na-na boo-boo!
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (v. 10) I like my deities a little more upbeat, thanks.
Psalm 112
Some details about what good fearing god does you: you'll have children who will become mighty upon earth (v. 2), you'll be rich, gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous. (v. 4). You'll use good judgement, you'll be remembered forever, you'll never have to fear, your um, horn, will be blessed, your enemies will be destroyed. It's like having a fairy godmother!
Psalm 113
God elevates the poor to royal stations and makes infertile women fecund.
Psalm 114
A reminder to nature that it should also fear god.
Psalm 115
My god is better than your god! Why? Because my god is in the sky and your god is just some stinky idol made out of precious metal! Yours may have sensory organs, but he has no senses, just like you! Na-na-na boo-boo!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Psalms 106-110: 1 drink when it says mercy, 2 when it says destroy
Psalm 106
A continued summation of Exodus and Numbers. And if you were drinking along to this chapter, you'd have to take 5 shots (3 mercies, 1 destroy).
Psalm 107
Yet more lamenting the events of Exodus, in this case the wandering around in the desert for 40 years. Only 1 mercy in this one.
Psalm 108
This is a repeat of Psalm... something I cannot be bothered to look up, in which god delineates which nations are in favour and which ones aren't. It's exactly the same list as last time. 1 mercy.
Psalm 109
David's back, venting his spleen on his enemies: he wants them to be ruled by Satan, overthrown, his children turned into beggars, extorted by the mafia, his workers to strike, for his name to be forgotten and for all his curses to bounce of me and stick to you. Oddly, there are 3 mercies in this verse.
Psalm 110
When god decides to start speaking to us again, he'll kill so many heathens their bodies will pile up all over the place and he'll wound their leaders in the heads. It just tugs at my heartstrings.
A continued summation of Exodus and Numbers. And if you were drinking along to this chapter, you'd have to take 5 shots (3 mercies, 1 destroy).
Psalm 107
Yet more lamenting the events of Exodus, in this case the wandering around in the desert for 40 years. Only 1 mercy in this one.
Psalm 108
This is a repeat of Psalm... something I cannot be bothered to look up, in which god delineates which nations are in favour and which ones aren't. It's exactly the same list as last time. 1 mercy.
Psalm 109
David's back, venting his spleen on his enemies: he wants them to be ruled by Satan, overthrown, his children turned into beggars, extorted by the mafia, his workers to strike, for his name to be forgotten and for all his curses to bounce of me and stick to you. Oddly, there are 3 mercies in this verse.
Psalm 110
When god decides to start speaking to us again, he'll kill so many heathens their bodies will pile up all over the place and he'll wound their leaders in the heads. It just tugs at my heartstrings.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Psalms 101-105: Is god a patient father or a toddler having a tantrum?
Psalm 101
Like many a kid hoping for a puppy for Christmas, Asaph promises to be reallysupergood if god will only talk to him. He won't look at wicked things, talk to wicked people, slanderers or the proud. He'll kick anyone who isn't righteous out of his house and slay all the evil-doers in the land. Sounds awfully boring and gory.
Psalm 102
Asaph compares his loneliness to that of pelicans, owls and sparrows and admits to eating ashes and drinking his own tears. Methinks we know why he's so lonely. Anyway, his life sucks because god is ignoring him.
Psalm 103
Asaph thanks god for curing diseases, being so slow to anger and so merciful. Um, I'm not sure he's read the rest of this book. Like the time God makes the entire nation of Israel walk around in the desert for 40 years because Moses hit a rock wrong, or when he sends them poison birds after they complain about not having enough meat. That god? Was pretty quick to anger and unmerciful. Of course all of this is only true for people who fear god, so maybe he has picked up on some of it.
Psalm 104
This one is a biggie in the whole scientists vs. the willfully ignorant permanent state of culture war we seem to have going on these days. It tells us about how god hung the heavens like a curtain, fixed the earth in place and once flooded the whole thing in a tantrum, but then got over it and put the water back in it's place. God also takes care of animals, providing food and drink for livestock and homes for birds, goats and rock badgers. To humans he gives wine, oil and bread. He made night so forest creatures could hunt, like lions, which to the best of my knowledge are diurnal, but whatevs (and which would seem to contradict the claims of literalists that, before the flood, all animals were vegetarians, since night existed then, too.)
Anyway, god made the seas and the whales and make sure everybody has something to eat.
But when god turns his face away from all the creatures great and small, they die. He also tells them when to reproduce.
Of course this almost-sweet nature prayer has to end with a request to kill all the sinners in an earthquake.
Psalm 105
This Psalm is a retelling of the events of Genesis and Exodus.
Like many a kid hoping for a puppy for Christmas, Asaph promises to be reallysupergood if god will only talk to him. He won't look at wicked things, talk to wicked people, slanderers or the proud. He'll kick anyone who isn't righteous out of his house and slay all the evil-doers in the land. Sounds awfully boring and gory.
Psalm 102
Asaph compares his loneliness to that of pelicans, owls and sparrows and admits to eating ashes and drinking his own tears. Methinks we know why he's so lonely. Anyway, his life sucks because god is ignoring him.
Psalm 103
Asaph thanks god for curing diseases, being so slow to anger and so merciful. Um, I'm not sure he's read the rest of this book. Like the time God makes the entire nation of Israel walk around in the desert for 40 years because Moses hit a rock wrong, or when he sends them poison birds after they complain about not having enough meat. That god? Was pretty quick to anger and unmerciful. Of course all of this is only true for people who fear god, so maybe he has picked up on some of it.
Psalm 104
This one is a biggie in the whole scientists vs. the willfully ignorant permanent state of culture war we seem to have going on these days. It tells us about how god hung the heavens like a curtain, fixed the earth in place and once flooded the whole thing in a tantrum, but then got over it and put the water back in it's place. God also takes care of animals, providing food and drink for livestock and homes for birds, goats and rock badgers. To humans he gives wine, oil and bread. He made night so forest creatures could hunt, like lions, which to the best of my knowledge are diurnal, but whatevs (and which would seem to contradict the claims of literalists that, before the flood, all animals were vegetarians, since night existed then, too.)
Anyway, god made the seas and the whales and make sure everybody has something to eat.
But when god turns his face away from all the creatures great and small, they die. He also tells them when to reproduce.
Of course this almost-sweet nature prayer has to end with a request to kill all the sinners in an earthquake.
Psalm 105
This Psalm is a retelling of the events of Genesis and Exodus.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Pslams 96-100
Psalm 96
Sing! Sing out loud! Sing out proud! Sing out free! About how afraid you are of god. Because he's coming to judge us all.
Psalm 97
Today, god is surrounded by dark clouds that send out fire to burn up his enemies.
Psalm98
Blah blah blah. Sing and be judged.
Psalm 99
Worship god because he's holy. Or is he holy because we worship him?
Psalm 100
Seriously. There are 50 more of these. Worship god because he made you.
Sing! Sing out loud! Sing out proud! Sing out free! About how afraid you are of god. Because he's coming to judge us all.
Psalm 97
Today, god is surrounded by dark clouds that send out fire to burn up his enemies.
Psalm98
Blah blah blah. Sing and be judged.
Psalm 99
Worship god because he's holy. Or is he holy because we worship him?
Psalm 100
Seriously. There are 50 more of these. Worship god because he made you.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Psalms 91-95: This is the psalm that never ends
Psalm 91
God protects us from snares, arrows, plagues, lions, adders and dragons. Even though the people all around you may be dying, god will protect you. Somehow this psalm reminds me of Kipling's If even though they aren't very similar.
Psalm 92
This psalm, like most of them, starts off sweetly, telling us we should praise god by singing and dancing. But then, like most of them, it goes off the rails around verse 10 as the psalmist starts cursing non-believers and wishing death on them in unspecified ways. Then he turns it back to all the ways he'll be exalted: god will make his, um, horn straight, he'll have children even in old age and he'll get to see his enemies suffer.
Psalm 93
God fixed the world in place and is mightier than the sea. Whoo-hoo?
Psalm 94
Rather than start off nicely, this one gets right into the vengeance from the first verse. Among the things his enemies do: boast, kill widows, orphans and foreigners and claim that god can't see or hear it. But the joke is on them! God made eyes and ears, so of course he knows what people do! And he'll punish them.
Psalm 95
Asaph manages to stay positive for the entire 11 verses of this psalm, urging us all to go out in the fields and sing and dance our praise to god.
God protects us from snares, arrows, plagues, lions, adders and dragons. Even though the people all around you may be dying, god will protect you. Somehow this psalm reminds me of Kipling's If even though they aren't very similar.
Psalm 92
This psalm, like most of them, starts off sweetly, telling us we should praise god by singing and dancing. But then, like most of them, it goes off the rails around verse 10 as the psalmist starts cursing non-believers and wishing death on them in unspecified ways. Then he turns it back to all the ways he'll be exalted: god will make his, um, horn straight, he'll have children even in old age and he'll get to see his enemies suffer.
Psalm 93
God fixed the world in place and is mightier than the sea. Whoo-hoo?
Psalm 94
Rather than start off nicely, this one gets right into the vengeance from the first verse. Among the things his enemies do: boast, kill widows, orphans and foreigners and claim that god can't see or hear it. But the joke is on them! God made eyes and ears, so of course he knows what people do! And he'll punish them.
Psalm 95
Asaph manages to stay positive for the entire 11 verses of this psalm, urging us all to go out in the fields and sing and dance our praise to god.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Psalms 86-90: The silent treatment continues
Psalm 86
Praise praise praise. Also, Asaph wants to change his Facebook status to 'in a relationship' so his enemies will believe him.
Psalm 87
Praise for Zion and people who were born there. What happens if you immigrated?
Psalm 88
Asaph gets more dramatic in his pleas to god to stop ignoring him, comparing the feeling to being in a grave. Also, his friends aren't returning his calls. He asks if god performs miracles to impress the dead (I sincerely hope not) and reminds god that he prays every morning. Then to end things, he circles back to the beginning, whining about how sick god's silence makes him.
Psalm 89
A reminder that god promised to make David's line kings, followed by praise of all his other works, namely beating up his enemies and/or inflicting them with plague. However, if any of his descendants don't keep the covenant, he'll also beat them.
Then Asaph starts reproaching god for breaking the covenant himself, but it's all a tactic to get god to respond, which doesn't work.
Psalm 90
Ooh, this is the Psalm where that whole The days of our years are threescore years and ten (v. 10) comes from! Although the same verse promises that we can have an extra ten years if we're particularly healthy. I intend to live to be at least 120, though reading this book makes me want to quit. Anyway all the rest is asking when exactly god plans to start talking to his followers again.
Praise praise praise. Also, Asaph wants to change his Facebook status to 'in a relationship' so his enemies will believe him.
Psalm 87
Praise for Zion and people who were born there. What happens if you immigrated?
Psalm 88
Asaph gets more dramatic in his pleas to god to stop ignoring him, comparing the feeling to being in a grave. Also, his friends aren't returning his calls. He asks if god performs miracles to impress the dead (I sincerely hope not) and reminds god that he prays every morning. Then to end things, he circles back to the beginning, whining about how sick god's silence makes him.
Psalm 89
A reminder that god promised to make David's line kings, followed by praise of all his other works, namely beating up his enemies and/or inflicting them with plague. However, if any of his descendants don't keep the covenant, he'll also beat them.
Then Asaph starts reproaching god for breaking the covenant himself, but it's all a tactic to get god to respond, which doesn't work.
Psalm 90
Ooh, this is the Psalm where that whole The days of our years are threescore years and ten (v. 10) comes from! Although the same verse promises that we can have an extra ten years if we're particularly healthy. I intend to live to be at least 120, though reading this book makes me want to quit. Anyway all the rest is asking when exactly god plans to start talking to his followers again.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Psalms 81-85: Stalking god through the Psalms
Psalm 81
It's a feast day, so everybody should eat, drink and be merry whilst remembering the awful, awful consequences of not loving god enough.
Psalm 82
God reminds us that he won't let us into heaven until we've helped orphans and poor people. But why are they poor god? Huh?
Psalm 83
The enemies are at the gate, so Asaph prays to god to do unto them as he has done to many of Israel's past enemies.
Psalm 84
Asaph loves church/synagogue/temple, whatever it is that they're calling it these days. He'd take any job there, including doorman, just so he could spend more time with god.
Psalm 85
Asaph wonders, not for the first time, how long god is going to keep giving him the silent treatment. And not for the first time, he fails to get an answer.
It's a feast day, so everybody should eat, drink and be merry whilst remembering the awful, awful consequences of not loving god enough.
Psalm 82
God reminds us that he won't let us into heaven until we've helped orphans and poor people. But why are they poor god? Huh?
Psalm 83
The enemies are at the gate, so Asaph prays to god to do unto them as he has done to many of Israel's past enemies.
Psalm 84
Asaph loves church/synagogue/temple, whatever it is that they're calling it these days. He'd take any job there, including doorman, just so he could spend more time with god.
Psalm 85
Asaph wonders, not for the first time, how long god is going to keep giving him the silent treatment. And not for the first time, he fails to get an answer.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Psalms 76-80
Yes! I've officially passed the halfway mark!
Psalm 76
God is awesome because he kills horses and smashes chariots. 10 to 14 year old girls everywhere vow to take up Buddhism instead.
Psalm 77
Asaph can't sleep because he keeps replaying past events in his mind. I can so identify. What specifically is he remembering? The times when god used to communicate. He hasn't been around for awhile and Asaph sits up at night hoping he'll come back, like a wife waiting for her philandering husband.
Psalm 78
Some things never change. Asaph says of the youth of his day a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not stedfast with God (v. 8), They kept not the covenant of God, and refused to walk in his law; and forgat his works, and his wonders that he had shewed them (v. 10 & 11).
Then he rehashes the events of Exodus through Numbers and the Samuels.
Psalm 79
Asaph is sick and tired of being punished and asks god to pour his wrath out on some heathens or something. Also, he asks for clemency for death-row inmates, though at the same time he asks for seven-fold revenge on his enemies.
Psalm 80
Asaph compares the Israelites to a tree and god to a clumsy gardner who trims the hedges so low that passing vagabonds can pick the fruit. But rather than advertising for a new gardner, Asaph foolishly wants god to come back and fix his shoddy work.
Psalm 76
God is awesome because he kills horses and smashes chariots. 10 to 14 year old girls everywhere vow to take up Buddhism instead.
Psalm 77
Asaph can't sleep because he keeps replaying past events in his mind. I can so identify. What specifically is he remembering? The times when god used to communicate. He hasn't been around for awhile and Asaph sits up at night hoping he'll come back, like a wife waiting for her philandering husband.
Psalm 78
Some things never change. Asaph says of the youth of his day a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not stedfast with God (v. 8), They kept not the covenant of God, and refused to walk in his law; and forgat his works, and his wonders that he had shewed them (v. 10 & 11).
Then he rehashes the events of Exodus through Numbers and the Samuels.
Psalm 79
Asaph is sick and tired of being punished and asks god to pour his wrath out on some heathens or something. Also, he asks for clemency for death-row inmates, though at the same time he asks for seven-fold revenge on his enemies.
Psalm 80
Asaph compares the Israelites to a tree and god to a clumsy gardner who trims the hedges so low that passing vagabonds can pick the fruit. But rather than advertising for a new gardner, Asaph foolishly wants god to come back and fix his shoddy work.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Psalms 71-75: Introducing Asaph the angry ant
Psalm 71
It's still David talking for now, whining about how he hit the 'Like' button on God's Facebook page the minute he came out of the womb, so it's not fair of god to forget him now that he's old. Huh. I always thought it was only modern Western societies that ignored the decrepit. Who knew it had biblical roots?
Anyway, David talks a lot about how much he talks about god, which must be even more irritating than people who won't shut up about their preferred deity.
Psalm 72
Another Psalm asking god to bless the king so he canstrongarm them into belief praise him to the people. Also, that way the king will get more land and tributes from other kings and stuff, which I suspect is what David really wants out of this relationship.
Psalm 73
The beginning of Asaph's section. He starts off by admitting that he used to envy the wicked, because they die strong and firm, untroubled, healthy, proud, fat (in the days when being fat was a good thing) and rich. Um, what is so awesome about being righteous, again?
Anyway, Asaph is now questioning why he's spent all this time being Charlie Church and getting sick, until one day he saw that the wicked are actually in torment and the error of his ways.
Psalm 74
Now god is turning a blind eye to the fact that people are cutting up his temples with axes and setting them on fire. That's a pretty serious throw down, there. But no one has heard from him for awhile. Not since Exodus, really, when he was bashing dragons' and leviathans' heads together. But now Asaph calls on him to return and make his people unashamed of believing in him. Good luck with that.
Psalm 75
Asaph taunts the wicked, saying god will wring them out like the dregs in a glass of wine and cut off their horns.
It's still David talking for now, whining about how he hit the 'Like' button on God's Facebook page the minute he came out of the womb, so it's not fair of god to forget him now that he's old. Huh. I always thought it was only modern Western societies that ignored the decrepit. Who knew it had biblical roots?
Anyway, David talks a lot about how much he talks about god, which must be even more irritating than people who won't shut up about their preferred deity.
Psalm 72
Another Psalm asking god to bless the king so he can
Psalm 73
The beginning of Asaph's section. He starts off by admitting that he used to envy the wicked, because they die strong and firm, untroubled, healthy, proud, fat (in the days when being fat was a good thing) and rich. Um, what is so awesome about being righteous, again?
Anyway, Asaph is now questioning why he's spent all this time being Charlie Church and getting sick, until one day he saw that the wicked are actually in torment and the error of his ways.
Psalm 74
Now god is turning a blind eye to the fact that people are cutting up his temples with axes and setting them on fire. That's a pretty serious throw down, there. But no one has heard from him for awhile. Not since Exodus, really, when he was bashing dragons' and leviathans' heads together. But now Asaph calls on him to return and make his people unashamed of believing in him. Good luck with that.
Psalm 75
Asaph taunts the wicked, saying god will wring them out like the dregs in a glass of wine and cut off their horns.
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