Ecclesiastes, Chapter 5: The return of Proverbs

Awesome.

Ecclesiastes suddenly turns into Proverbs with a series of oddly disjointed aphorisms. First, be careful when going to the temple and only make mindful sacrifices and for heaven's sake, don't talk too much.

If you make promises to god, keep them or he'll think you're an idiot. In fact, it's better not to make a vow to god than to make one that you can't fulfill. Then don't complain to the angels that you didn't actually mean it when you promised to keep your room clean if god would make your parents give you a puppy for your birthday. I don't even know where to start.

You can just ignore oppression and injustice, because everyone has a boss except the highest boss.

Everyone has the right to profit from the land, even the king. As this book has already said, there is nothing new under the sun. People are never satisfied with what they have. If crop yields increase, so does family size, so what good is wealth?

Workers sleep well, but rich people's wealth doesn't allow them to. My heart bleeds. As A&E has abundantly demonstrated, hoarding is not good for you. Don't make risky investments.

You can't take it with you, so eat drink and be merry. If you're rich, it's because god ever-so-conveniently made you that way.

Proverbs, Chapters 30 & 31: The biblical roots of women's fashion magazines

Chapter 30

Someone named Agur takes over the writing of the book here. No word on how many wives he has or whether he's ever tried to cut up a baby. He does admit to being somewhat of a bad boy, neither educated nor a believer. He then goes on to say the same banal, repetitive things as Solomon about wisdom, lying, and being kind to the poor.

Like every old person ever in the history of the world, he criticises the young, saying they mistreat their parents, that their shit don't stink, they're arrogant, they're mean to poor people.

Then he gives us a Zen Koan about leeches and dissatisfaction. Apparently, leech suckers are never satisfied, which Agur informs us is true for four other things things: the grave, a barren womb (rich, in a culture that tells women their value comes in producing sons), a desert and fire.

If you disrespect your parents, ravens will come and peck your eyes out. Four things Agur thinks are awesome: eagles, snakes, boats, men wooing women. That's a pretty random list. Adulterous women will always deny it.

Four things the earth hates: slaves in charge, fools eating, bridezillas, maids who become mistresses. Ooh, someone doesn't like Hagar! Four wise things: ants, badgers, locusts, spiders. Four things he thinks are sexy: lions (rawr!), greyhounds, billy goats and powerful kings.

Chapter 31

Agur can't think of any more groups of four, so he passes the spirit stick over to someone called King Lemuel, who wants to share what his mother taught him. First, don't give your balls to a woman to keep in her handbag, no matter how warm it is inside there. Second, no drinking. Poor people may drink to forget their sorrows.

Be an advocate for the downtrodden. There are no virtuous women. Of course he says nothing about what happened to their virtue. Here's how you tell if you have one of these rare gems: she works hard, spins flax and wool, goes out to gather food, gets up early to cook, plants a vineyard despite the fact that only poor people are allowed to drink, works out, stays up late despite rising early, gives to charity, shovels the snow, makes warm clothes for her family and is a fashion plate.

Her husband, of course, is to be found sitting around the city gate drinking tea and gossiping with the other men.

The virtuous woman is an entrepreneur who sells her weaving. She's well educated and kind, is never idle (unlike her husband), and her children praise her. The one thing she doesn't have to be is beautiful.

So, even then women were constantly told they could never measure up.

Proverbs, Chapter 29: Do Christians who condemn homosexuality also beat their kids?

The price of ignoring rebukes is death. Respect your father, stay away from prostitutes. It does not say what to do if your father likes the ladies. If your neighbour is buttering you up, it's because he wants to buy your lot and tear down your house to make room for a Jacuzzi.

Thos annoying, happy-clappy people you sometimes see on the subway at 7am? They're the righteous. The wicked are too busy plotting traps for you and sinning. As long as they're quiet about it, especially in the mornings, I really don't care.

Fools broadcast their every thought. Then there are a couple of verses about beating your children with rods. I really must remember Proverbs the next time a sincere Christian tells me he doesn't approve of homosexuality 'because the bible says so,' and ask him if he also disciplines his kids this way, and if not, why, since there are ever so many more verses dedicated to the topic. Oh yes, and you must also beat your servants. So they learn.

If you raise your slave from childhood, he'll eventually become like your son. Especially if you sleep with his mother and she gets pregnant.

Proverbs, Chapter 26 & 27: Whip it good

Chapter 26

Whipping is fine for horses, asses and fools. Don't indulge fools in their follies, either. There's a lot about fools in this chapter. Methinks the king doth protest too much. Then there's a lot about lazy people.

Towards the end it starts telling us not to stir shit up with rumours and gossip and not to lay traps for people lest we fall in.

Chapter 27

Don't put all your eggs in one basket or toot your own horn. Open rebuke is better than secret love (v.5). Ooh, I like that one. Also verse 10: better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off.

Then we get to a verse so important to my heart that it will be the first commandment in my new religion: He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him. (v. 14) I have never understood people who can jump cheerfully out of bed at 5am and expect other people to follow suit. Go away and find something to do until a civilised hour, say, 11.

Contentious women are like Chinese water torture. Take good care of your animals. Feed your daughters goat's milk.

Proverbs, Chapter 25: Nonsense

Apparently, kings are deep, so deep that commoners can't understand them. Clearly royalty wasn't as inbred back then, because I'm pretty sure that Prince Philip is a certifiable idiot. Also, if you take away evil people, you'll secure his throne. A lot of things would be secure if there were no evil people, but all right.

More about kings: don't brag to them and don't stand in the places of great men or sit at the head table if you haven't been invited there. That should go for every house you're invited to.

Only eat until you're satisfied. Don't wear out invitations or try to cheer up sad people. Send postcards. Control your temper. Why are these not grouped by themes?

Proverbs, Chapter 24: Read the instructions first

Don't envy wicked people or hang out with them, no matter how much more fun they may seem to be than the boring bible-readers in church. You can only build a house through wisdom. And knowing how to build a house. Wise men are strong because there is safety in numbers. Weak people faint in the face of adversity.

Eat honey because it tastes good. Don't rejoice in your enemy's downfall because you might piss god off. Be afraid of god and the king. It does not say what to do if your king is Nicholas Sarkozy. Or Elvis, for that matter.

Honesty is like being kissed on the lips. When you see a lazy man's field, all covered in vines and thorns, try to take a lesson away from that.

Proverbs, Chapter 23: Spare the rod and your kids go to hell

Be careful when you eat with a king, not because you might use the wrong fork, but because he might be trying to kill you. Keep that in mind, attendees of the Royal Wedding! Also, don't eat with stingy people, no matter how tempting the food, because he's only thinking about the costs, and doesn't care about you as a person. Then you'll vomit it all up and embarrass yourself. Um, okay. I cannot tell you how many times I've been to a Dutch person's house for lunch and the meal consists of: two slices of bread, a thin slice of cheese, an even thinner slice of meat, one piece of fruit, and a glass of milk (buttermilk if they don't like you). No seconds, but if you're good maybe there will be a cookie with your coffee. I don't think they know about this verse. Or maybe they do and they choose to ignore it.

In verses 13 and 14, we are told to beat our children, preferably with a rod, though not to death. Doing this will keep them out of hell. I thank my parents once again for not being biblical literalists and for taking their parenting advice from books not written 2000 years ago.

Don't hang out with people who overindulge in wine and meat, because you never know when one of them will fall over from a heart attack and you'll have to perform CPR on their drunk asses. Okay, it doesn't say that, because CPR wasn't invented until 1954. No, what it says is you shouldn't eat and drink with gluttons because their greed will cause them to fall into poverty.

No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the champagne room. Also, if your wife sleeps around, it's like falling into a dangerous pit, because her insatiable sexual appetites will quickly make all the men in the neighbourhood cheat and fight with each other. Again, this guy had 1000 fucking wives and he's going on about women cheating on their husbands. Rich.

The last part of the chapter is about the effects of alcohol, namely that it makes you babble stupidly, fight with your friends and sleep with hundreds of women. Then in the morning you don't remember any of it, because you have an awful hangover.

Proverbs, Chapter 22

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches (v. 1). We'll see if that is true if the next candidate for US President from the Republican Party turns out to be a birther.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (v. 6) I would agree with this, if the entire rest of the book didn't think the way to do this was beating them with rods until they stop crying, like verse 15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

People that god doesn't like will be lead astray by foreign women. I guess god hates everybody in Amsterdam. Don't be friends with angry people or you'll become one, too. That's actually really good advice. Also people who want to tell you about their health problems or who get tattoos of their kids. And probably vegans and evangelical Christians.

Finally, don't tear down landmarks. I'm looking at you Moscow. And Beijing.

Proverbs, Chapter 21: Real estate and the angry wife

The king's heart is in god's hands, and god turns it like a river. Consistency is over-rated, especially in government. It's better to live in a teeny tiny 9th floor cold water walkup apartment than to live in a mansion with a contentious wife. As someone who lives in a teeny tiny first-floor walkup, I disagree, especially if the mansion has a pool and plenty of storage space.

Today we like poor people again, so ignoring them is bad and will mean that when you've fallen on hard times, people will likewise ignore you. Giving secret gifts makes people forgive you. In my case, secret chores fulfill the same function. Just people like to judge, which seems counterintuitive.

Loving wine and oil will not make you rich. But they're much more fun than water and salad, so you'll be happy anyway. Hmm, it would appear that today's fishwife is yesterday's poor person. Because in verse 19 we're informed it's also better to go and live in the wilderness than with an angry woman.

Proverbs, Chapter 20: Is that god poking around in your abdomen, or are you just happy to see me?

Wine and beer are the enemies of wisdom. Well, to sober people, at least. Drunk people think they're brilliant. Moral: if there's drinking involved, make sure you join in.

Making the king angry is a sin. Hmm... that's a mighty convenient way to keep one's flock in line. Lazy people don't like to plow when it's cold. So ignoring all that lovely stuff in earlier books about allowing them to glean the fields after the harvest, now we're supposed to let them beg. God, this whole book is written like a Republican manifesto against the poor. Next thing you know, it'll be whining about the need for cutting corporate taxes.

All kings have to do to decide if a person is good or bad is look at them, which, again, is awfully handy when your constituents get stroppy. Lying is only fun at the time, afterwards your mouth shall be filled with gravel. (v. 17) Since god is in charge of our fates, we have no hope of understanding things. Only if you go to Liberty U.

Wise kings crush the wicked. This is also a good book for crazy dictators. The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly (v. 27) Also, The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly. (v. 30) In plain English, if you beat the evil hard enough, it will go away. I'm guessing this was written before that New Yorker article about solitary confinement came out.

Proverbs, Chapter 19: No hugging, no learning

An actual quote from a professor at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, recorded in the book Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University by Kevin Roose: "I just want to say this, Liberty students. My biggest worry about you, about all of you, is that you’ll become educated beyond your obedience." From a man who claimed to read Proverbs every single day of his life, and clearly glossed over all 50 000 instances of the words 'wisdom' and 'fool' in this book. Just in this chapter, there are 3 fools, 2 foolishnesses, 1 wisdom, 1 understanding and 1 wise, and I don't doubt he could recite all of them, I have no faith in his analysis.

Another place where he shows his true colours is in his footnote to verse 10 (Delight is not seemly for a fool; much less for a servant to have rule over princes) which reads 'Two unfitting situations: a fool in luxury and a slave in power.' It goes without saying, but it's fun to do it anyway, that he exemplifies the first. As to the second, for those of you who are new to the culture wars, Jerry Falwell was a racist bigot until the 1970s, when he figured out that the sands were shifting and changed his tune to that of a homophobe.

This chapter takes on the theme of wealth and friendship, and warns us not to surround ourselves with hangers-on and yes-men, reminding us that when you're broke, you're broke alone.

Henpecking wives are like dripping water: constant and annoying. Of course it has nothing to say about husbands so lazy and useless they need to be henpecked. Men pass on wealth to their sons, but prudent wives are god's gift. Naturally there is nothing about how rare a gem a prudent husband is. Stupid sexist book.

Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger. (v. 15) If only! We had our spring time change last night, so I only had like, 4 hours of sleep 'cuz I rock like that, but I still worked all day and cycled 10k to and from.

Yay! Another verse on beating your children, even if they cry! Also skeptics and fools!

Proverbs, Chapter 18: The lord commands thee to share the bathroom

As a child, I shared a room with my younger sister for several years, and most nights I used to stare longingly out the window at the apartments behind our street, thinking how wonderful it would be to decide my own bedtime and not have to share my french fries. The first verse of this chapter informs me that I was completely wrong in my thinking, because living alone is selfish and goes against all wisdom. You like that no one steals your milk out of the fridge or that you never have to wait for the bathroom, which is kept at your cleanliness standards, you urban singleton you? Too bad!

Blah, blah, blah, fools and wisdom. Ooh, here's a good one in verse 6: A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes. Can we start with the entire cast of Jersey Shore?

He also that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster.(v. 9) And Solomon would know, what with the 1000+ wives. He must have spent hours every day just taking the trash out. But seriously, I totally agree with this, which is why I avoid group projects as much as possible.

A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle. (v. 19) Good lord, tell me about it. My brother once spent two days not speaking to my sister and I. Problem: we were in Tokyo at the time and he didn't know his way around or speak any Japanese, so he just followed 20 feet behind us the entire time, refusing to even look at us. And we couldn't even ditch him because if you lose something in Japan, you not only get it back, you have to pay a reward to the finder.

Finally, another jab at single people: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. (v. 22) Alas, there is nothing about how god feels about cutting up babies.

Proverbs, Chapter 17: Word Salad

Schadenfreude is not cool. Kids are good, but grandchildren are awesome, mostly because they go home, though it doesn't actually say that. Verse 12: Let a bear robbed of her whelps meet a man, rather than a fool in his folly. Gives one pause about the state of Middle Eastern zoos in the Bronze Age.

Solomon clearly remembers that whole Absalom/Amnon conflict quite vivedly in verse 17: A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Also, it turns out that even then they knew depression isn't good for you, because verse 22 reads: A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. No punishing the just.

And finally, one of the wisest things ever said, something I wish my students would practice daily is verse 28: Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. or as you're more likely to hear today, 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.'

Proverbs, Chapters 15 & 16: Vegetarianism isn't holy but Jeopardy is

Chapter 15

Don't get into shouting matches. Listen to smart people. Happy people don't go hungry, presumably because they're always invited to dinner. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. (v. 17) Not exactly the most ringing endorsement of vegetarianism. Give good answers to questions.

Of course there are also a lot of verses about wisdom, listening to your parents and fearing god. Wouldn't it also be wise to say, hire a good editor?

Chapter 16

Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established. (v. 3) You know, an awful lot of stupid, destructive works have been committed to the lord, including Donald Rumsfeld sending troops into Iraq to get control of its oil look for Weapons of Mass Distraction with this verse etched into the body of their rifles.

It is an abomination to kings to commit wickedness: for the throne is established by righteousness. (v. 12) Not that Bush or Cheney will ever be punished for lying about those WMDs, authorising torture by the CIA or what happened at Abu Garib.

How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver! (v. 16) You know, people have been telling me all my life that I'm pretty smart, and I think I'd still choose the riches. Then hire a tutor. And a trainer so I can have a smaller ass.

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. (v. 18) Schadenfreude rocks, doesn't it?

God controls the outcome of games of chance. Shouldn't that make for more good Christian lottery winnerss?

Proverbs, Chapter 14: Witless and redundant, but at least it isn't Psalms

Hey, there were women working in construction and demolitions back then! Verse one says Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

Then the inevitable verses about righteousness and stoic silence. Having lots of oxen is the key to success. Of course Jerry Falwell has no comment on how that verse is still relevant today, because he's always silent whenever something contradicts his worldview.

There are some good verses about not suffering fools and finding answers out for yourself. Also some good ones about not getting angry and going off half-cocked and being nice to your neighbours, especially if they're poor.

Work, be honest, hold your tongue, be pious, don't fly off the handle.

Proverbs, Chapter 13: Solomon's little instruction book

Listen to your parents. Lazy people are skinny, poor and hungry, industrious people are fat and well-off. Apparently, this book was written a long time ago, because man, things have changed.

Then there are a lot of repetitive verses about the wicked being lying liars and the righteous inheriting the earth. Contention is all the result of pride. I totally agree with that.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. (v. 12) Right. The guy who has 700 wives and built a house with an elevated gold bathtub is a model of self-restraint.

Every prudent man dealeth with knowledge: but a fool layeth open his folly. (v. 16). Mostly by joining a Tea Party.

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. (v. 24) Honk if you were beaten as a child because of this verse. I was not, because my parents are civilised people who don't take child-rearing advice from 4000-year old books written by sand people. Though I certainly agree with the second part of this verse.

Proverbs, Chapter 12: Not written by a feminist

If you love learning, you love knowledge. Okay, that I agree with. But as the saying goes, if you take an infinite number of monkeys and put them in front of an infinite number of typewriters and let them bash away forever, one of them will eventually bash out Shakespeare.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones (v. 4). And a guy who has 700 wives and 300 concubines then writes a book admonishing women to be chaste? What's he? Oh, right. A load of crap.

The thoughts of the righteous are right (v. 5) Wow. That's some Jersey Shore-level logic going on there.

Huh. Verse 10 is the first rule on animal cruelty: A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel. I wonder if they're still sacrificing like, 45 animals a day at this point. Then there are a lot of Michael Pollanesque lines about eating fruit and bread.

There's a lot about wicked people being liars who talk too much and the righteous always tell the truth or keep their own counsel and bad things never happen to them. Except to whoever wrote Psalms.

A prudent man concealeth knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness (v. 23). So no one who ever won Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit was prudent? That sucks. Those people are my heroes. I can, however, agree that going on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader is not a wise choice.

Proverbs, Chapter 11: The list of not-so-zingy zingers commenceth

The rest of this book is just a series of unconnected one-liners. Since most of them are neither snappy nor memorable, I'll leave it up to you to read the in detail if you so choose and instead focus on the ones I think are either thought-provoking or insane.

First off, use accurate weights and measures. Pride begets shame and destruction. Then there are a lot of verses hammering home the point that there are no rewards to being evil and how being righteous is, well, righteous. One does wonder if the book doth protest too much.

Only gossips tell secrets. As if this is news. Also, as if there has ever, in the entire history of the world, been a person who wasn't a gossip. Never, ever lend money to strangers. Being kind is good for the soul. As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion (v. 22). I have to say, plenty of hot, dumb chicks do fine, as long as they lay off Asians at UCLA.

The desire of the righteous is only good: but the expectation of the wicked is wrath (v. 23) Talk about your self-serving bible verses! The liberal soul shall be made fat (v. 25) If only! Be nice to your family.

Proverbs, Chapter 10: The yuks begin

Chapter 10

Proverbs begins its descent into a series of not-so-snappy one-liners like A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother (v. 1).

Now, on to wickedness, which yields nothing and may cause god to starve you, whereas righteousness keeps you alive and protects you from famines.

Work: if you slack off or sleep in the summer, you'll end up a poor shame to your family. You won't grow any fruit. But if you work hard you'll be rich and your parents proud and you'll have fruit.

Justice: if you're just, your words are like silver. Try cashing that in at the bank. Also, you'll receive blessings and you'll be remembered, but the wicked will be forgotten.

Discretion: will get you blessed as well, and your mouth will be a fountain of life, but gossip, lying and slander will make you look foolish.

If you're righteous, your path is sure, but the wicked go crookedly.

Eye-winking and running your mouth off will bring you to ruin. I guess Sarah Palin and whatever church she pretends to attend skip this verse.

Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins (v. 12)

Wisdom: not only allows you to store up knowledge, it also keeps you from getting beaten and destroyed. Education keeps you alive, it's foolish to refuse constructive criticism.

Wealth: has not changed in millennia, as it is found in cities, though ironically it can be used to feed people, which cities are notoriously bad at. The poor, on the other hand, are ruined by poverty.

Wal-mart's new corporate logo: As vinegar to the teeth, and as smoke to the eyes, so is the sluggard to them that send him (v. 26)

Proverbs, Chapters 8 & 9: Wisdom is not prepared for the media age

Chapter 8

Wisdom, still not getting it, is shouting from mountaintops, in the streets, at the city gates, and outside your door. What, no informercials? No telemarketing? Her message: well, first off she spends 9 verses telling us how awesome her message is, by which time half of her audience has wandered off in search of Cheetos. Then she tells us how awesome she is, because she has prudence, knowledge and discretion. The other half of her audience, having no idea what any of those words mean, flip over to MTV in hopes JWOWW will commit a nip slip. I sort of hate that Blogger's spell check accepts JWOWW. Her numbers rally in verses 13-21, when she starts talking about how fearing god makes you rich and powerful and lets you pass it on to your children, and, since the more fervent the Christian, the more fervent the anti-tax, pro-rich-person-even-though-you-yourself-are-missing-teeth sentiment. She loses them again in the final 17 verses, in which she gives us her biography: she's been around almost as long as god has, helping him every step of the way. Wait, is Wisdom god's unmarried girlfriend?

Proverbs

Wisdom finally gets it and builds a house (with seven pillars, natch) and sets out a feast of meat and wine. Most importantly, she sends out her hottest female servants to invite people to dinner. Now it doesn't matter what she says, she'll have millions of followers before the day is done. For those of us who aren't so easily swayed however, her message is: Wisdom cries from the mountaintops, but foolish women sit in doorways in high points of the city calling out their message. She entices the simple into her house, much like Wisdom, and tells them to eat stolen water and secret bread. What she fails to tell them, of course, is that her house is the gate to hell. Um, Wisdom? You might want to try just a little bit to distinguish your message from hers.