Sunday, April 3, 2011

Proverbs, Chapter 23: Spare the rod and your kids go to hell

Be careful when you eat with a king, not because you might use the wrong fork, but because he might be trying to kill you. Keep that in mind, attendees of the Royal Wedding! Also, don't eat with stingy people, no matter how tempting the food, because he's only thinking about the costs, and doesn't care about you as a person. Then you'll vomit it all up and embarrass yourself. Um, okay. I cannot tell you how many times I've been to a Dutch person's house for lunch and the meal consists of: two slices of bread, a thin slice of cheese, an even thinner slice of meat, one piece of fruit, and a glass of milk (buttermilk if they don't like you). No seconds, but if you're good maybe there will be a cookie with your coffee. I don't think they know about this verse. Or maybe they do and they choose to ignore it.

In verses 13 and 14, we are told to beat our children, preferably with a rod, though not to death. Doing this will keep them out of hell. I thank my parents once again for not being biblical literalists and for taking their parenting advice from books not written 2000 years ago.

Don't hang out with people who overindulge in wine and meat, because you never know when one of them will fall over from a heart attack and you'll have to perform CPR on their drunk asses. Okay, it doesn't say that, because CPR wasn't invented until 1954. No, what it says is you shouldn't eat and drink with gluttons because their greed will cause them to fall into poverty.

No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the champagne room. Also, if your wife sleeps around, it's like falling into a dangerous pit, because her insatiable sexual appetites will quickly make all the men in the neighbourhood cheat and fight with each other. Again, this guy had 1000 fucking wives and he's going on about women cheating on their husbands. Rich.

The last part of the chapter is about the effects of alcohol, namely that it makes you babble stupidly, fight with your friends and sleep with hundreds of women. Then in the morning you don't remember any of it, because you have an awful hangover.

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