Saturday, April 30, 2011

Song of Solomon, Chapter 1: sex poems in the bible!

Whoo-hoo! The book of sex poetry that somehow got mixed in with the rest of the bible and they can never, ever take it out because one of the apostles said so! Whee! Even Jerry Falwell admits that it's sex poetry, rejecting the theories that it's 'an allegory for the relationship between god and Israel' or some such bullshit, though he stipulates that it was written when Solomon was very young and he was legally married to the woman.

Anyway, let's get started. Solomon is a good kisser, and his love is better than wine. Damn, that is good. I'm not sure who would win if you told me I'd have to choose between my relationship and wine. Virgins are drawn to him by his manly perfume. She begs him to take her into his chambers so they can delight and rejoice in each other.

The woman describes herself as very dark, but beautiful. She got that way because her brothers made her tend their vineyards and wouldn't let her tend her own. I hope that isn't a creepy metaphor.

She wants to arrange an assignation and asks her lover where he'll be tending his sheep today so she doesn't have to pass by all his friends. He answers, telling her to graze her goats by the shepherds' tents, which is not likely to arouse suspicion at all.

Then he starts telling her how hot she is: she's like a mare in the pharaoh's chariot brigade, her earrings touch her cheeks (showing that nothing changes), she wears a lot of necklaces. He wants to make her some gold earrings.

She starts talking again, teasing him that while he's at dinner, he'll be smelling her perfume, which she keeps between her breasts, where he is also welcome to lie. He's also like henna. They tell each other how hot they are: she has dove eyes. Then the real-estate porn: they have a green bed, cedar beams, fir rafters. Either that or they're going to do it in the forest.