Finally! I've reached the last of the synoptic gospels (that's old-timey speak for 'plagiarized')! It's no holds barred for the next 24 chapters, and I plan to link to every clip from Monty Python's Life of Brian I can find on You Tube.
Luke starts off as a letter to someone named Theophilius, which probably means we shouldn't be reading his personal mail, right? Anyway, he admits right off the bat that he isn't an actual eyewitness to anything he's describing, and in fact implies that he's at least a couple of generations away from anyone who actually was an eyewitness. This is odd, because in both Mark and Matthew, we were promised the end of the world within a few years. But then, many a doomsday cult has survived long after its expiry date.
He warms us up by telling us the story of Zacharias the priest and his wife Elisabeth, who were John the Baptist's parents. Now, despite being pious Jews who follow all 613 of the Torah's laws to the letter, they don't have any children, which in itself is a violation of law 63, but never mind.
One day, Zacharias is in the temple burning incense when the angel Gabriel appears and informs him that his wife is finally going to get pregnant and give him a son. And not just any son, he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb. (v. 15) Oh, great, he's going to be one of those terrifying children from Jesus Camp. Zach is incredulous, for which Gabriel strikes him dumb.
Elisabeth falls pregnant, though how exactly is not specified, so I'm going to go lowest common denominator and say it was the Holy Ghost and not Zach. Six months later, the Holy Ghost gets horny again and sends Gabe along to Nazareth to inform a virgin called Mary that she is the next 'chosen one.' Mary is skeptical at first, claiming it's impossible as she's never had sex, but Gabe reassures her that with God nothing shall be impossible. (v. 36) God and a healthy dollop of credulity. Mary happens to be Elisabeth's cousin, so Gabe directs her to go and check things out for herself if she doesn't believe him. So Mary sets off for an unnamed city in Judea. When she arrives and calls out a greeting, the baby in Elisabeth's uterus gives a kick, prompting his mother to complete the first verse of Hail Mary.
Mary humbly goes on for a bit about how awesome she is for getting pregnant and fooling everyone into believing it's god's baby, and a very non-specific speech about all the great things god has done for us.
Anyway, after 3 no doubt excruciating months of the two women praising each other to the skies, Mary goes home before John's birth, which is the weirdest thing ever, because didn't women historically stick around for a few weeks after the birth to help with the swaddling and the dishwashing?
At first, everybody wants to call John Zachariah after his father, which I thought Jews didn't do? But Elisabeth remembers that Gabriel told them to name him John instead. The busybodies are confused, and ask Zach if he agrees. Since he can't talk, he signs for a writing tablet, where he scribbles that the baby's name is indeed John. This miraculously loosens his tongue, which he immediately uses to pray.
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