Chapter 15
Jesus' trial concluded, he's taken to Pilate, who again asks him if he's the King of the Jews, but Jesus is tired and cranky by now, so he'll only answer Thou sayest it (v. 2). He refuses to speak after that.
Because it's a feast day, Pilate decides to pardon the prisoner of the people's choosing. Thanks to some priestly meddling, they choose Barrabas, a revolutionary and murderer who probably photographed well.
Pilate then asks what he should do with Jesus. The crowd's answer? Crucify him. He asks what, exactly, Jesus has done, but they only yell crucify him louder.
So the soldiers beat Jesus up, then put a purple robe on him, then beat him some more, then put him back in his old clothes. Then the lead him to Golgotha to be crucified. While he's dying, they gamble for his clothes. People passing by mock him, as do the other two thieves who were crucified that day.
After 6 hours, there's a 3-hour total eclipse of the sun, then Jesus cries out and dies. An indeterminate number of women named Mary is watching, as is Joseph of Arimathaea. Joseph goes to Pilate and asks for the body, which they wrap in a shroud and put in a cave with a rock over the entrance.
Chapter 16
On Sunday, the Marys return to the tomb to anoint Jesus' body with oil. But they quickly prove that their brain power is every bit as feeble as that of the disciples, when they remember that there's a big rock in front of the cave and they didn't bring anything to help move it out of the way. Fortunately, this doesn't prove an obstacle as the rock has miraculously moved on its own.
Inside, they find a creepy young man dressed in white who tells them that Jesus has left, but has left word with him to tell Peter to meet him in Galilee. The ladies flee and don't tell anyone about the weirdo in the tomb.
Apparently the original text ends there, but a few centuries later, someone tacked on a more dramatic ending in which Jesus goes on to appear to several of his former disciples and perform some more miracles.
First he appears to Mary Magdalene, but because she was crazy before Jesus cast seven devils out of her, no one believes her.
Ghost Jesus next appears to two of his disciples while they're taking a walk in the countryside. They rush home to tell the others, who again, dismiss the claim.
Finally Ghost Jesus gets the bright idea to appear to a crowd rather than a couple of individuals, so he finds the disciples at dinner and scolds them all for their lack of faith. Then he reminds them to go out and preach and baptize the willing and curse the unwilling to hell. How will you know whether someone's a true believer or not? Well, true believers will cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;
They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. (v. 17-18) Kids, do not try any of those things at home. Well, speaking in tongues is weird but harmless, but don't pick up snakes or drink poison, mkay?
Anyway, after leaving us with that insanely dumb advice, Jesus goes off to heaven.
Showing posts with label Mark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark. Show all posts
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Mark, Chapter 14
The priests and scribes are fed up with Jesus and gather to find some pretext to have him arrested and killed. The only stipulation is that it can't be on the day of the Passover feast, lest it spoil anyone's supper.
Meanwhile, Jesus et al. gather at Simon the leper's house for dinner. A particularly aggressive department store perfume sprayer approaches and dumps the entire bottle over Jesus' head. The disciples are in high dudgeon, not only because now they can't smell their meals, but also because the oil could have been sold and the money given to the poor. Jesus is cool with it, and explains that there will always be poor people, but his death is coming up very shortly, and this woman is just a bit over-enthusiastic in her funeral preparations. He says they should spread the word of her deed after his death.
Meanwhile, Judas, repelled by the smell, has sneaked off and made a deal with the priests to betray Jesus.
The next day, the disciples ask Jesus where he wants to eat for Passover. He tells them to go into the city and find a guy carrying a pitcher of water. That guy will lead them to the proper place. Are they eating in a speakeasy? Why not just give them an address?
Anyway, at dinner Jesus informs them that one of them has betrayed him. The brain trust has no idea who, and they all ask themselves if they're the ones what done it. Jesus then tells them the bread is his flesh and the wine is his blood, which serves to put everybody off their food. So they head up to the Mount of Olives where he makes a few more predictions about how the rest of the evening is going to go: he's going to get hit A LOT, then he'll go on to Galilee after he dies. Peter will deny him 3 times.
They wander into the garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus asks all the disciples save Peter, James and John to stay behind. Once inside, he asks them to hang out while he goes and prays. He comes back an hour later and finds them asleep. He rouses them, only to go back and pray alone some more. Again, they fall asleep. The third time, he leaves them be, because the betrayal has begun. Judas appears with some soldiers and says he'll identify Jesus with a kiss on the cheek.
One of the disciples that is with Jesus tries to stop the soldiers, and even cuts off someone's ear, but most of them flee. One flees so hard he forgets his robe and runs off naked.
Jesus is lead to the high priest's chamber. Peter follows and huddles around the fire with the other slaves. The priest has gathered plenty of people with evidence against Jesus, but none of it adds up. The priest gets frustrated and finally asks Jesus if he's the Christ. He cops to it, and adds that soon he'll be ruling all of them from heaven. This is considered enough to convict him of blasphemy. They start to beat him.
Back at the fire, Peter denies Jesus three times.
Meanwhile, Jesus et al. gather at Simon the leper's house for dinner. A particularly aggressive department store perfume sprayer approaches and dumps the entire bottle over Jesus' head. The disciples are in high dudgeon, not only because now they can't smell their meals, but also because the oil could have been sold and the money given to the poor. Jesus is cool with it, and explains that there will always be poor people, but his death is coming up very shortly, and this woman is just a bit over-enthusiastic in her funeral preparations. He says they should spread the word of her deed after his death.
Meanwhile, Judas, repelled by the smell, has sneaked off and made a deal with the priests to betray Jesus.
The next day, the disciples ask Jesus where he wants to eat for Passover. He tells them to go into the city and find a guy carrying a pitcher of water. That guy will lead them to the proper place. Are they eating in a speakeasy? Why not just give them an address?
Anyway, at dinner Jesus informs them that one of them has betrayed him. The brain trust has no idea who, and they all ask themselves if they're the ones what done it. Jesus then tells them the bread is his flesh and the wine is his blood, which serves to put everybody off their food. So they head up to the Mount of Olives where he makes a few more predictions about how the rest of the evening is going to go: he's going to get hit A LOT, then he'll go on to Galilee after he dies. Peter will deny him 3 times.
They wander into the garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus asks all the disciples save Peter, James and John to stay behind. Once inside, he asks them to hang out while he goes and prays. He comes back an hour later and finds them asleep. He rouses them, only to go back and pray alone some more. Again, they fall asleep. The third time, he leaves them be, because the betrayal has begun. Judas appears with some soldiers and says he'll identify Jesus with a kiss on the cheek.
One of the disciples that is with Jesus tries to stop the soldiers, and even cuts off someone's ear, but most of them flee. One flees so hard he forgets his robe and runs off naked.
Jesus is lead to the high priest's chamber. Peter follows and huddles around the fire with the other slaves. The priest has gathered plenty of people with evidence against Jesus, but none of it adds up. The priest gets frustrated and finally asks Jesus if he's the Christ. He cops to it, and adds that soon he'll be ruling all of them from heaven. This is considered enough to convict him of blasphemy. They start to beat him.
Back at the fire, Peter denies Jesus three times.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Mark, Chapter 13
Because they are yokels, the disciples admire the fancy buildings in Jerusalem. Jesus, however, is in a crappy mood and says ominously that all of it will be destroyed soon. The disciples want to know when all this will happen, and how they'll know it's the second coming and not, say, a random series of natural disasters. Jesus says first of all, don't believe anyone claiming to be him. Then don't worry about wars, because that's just the first stage, to be followed by famine, rebellion and earthquakes.
The disciples themselves can expect beatings, family strife and patricide. Lots of people will hate on them, but if they can survive it all, they'll be rewarded in the joyless, sexless heaven promised in chapter 12.
When they see the the abomination of desolation (v. 14) that Daniel talked about, they should flee to the hills without pausing to take their treasured possessions, clothing or pregnant wives. Oh, and it will be ever so much worse if all this happens in winter.
What will this abomination of desolation look like? Well, it will be hell on earth. No one would survive if god didn't shorten the days to spare the faithful. There will be plenty of false Christs with tricks to convince us they're the real deal. The sun and moon and stars will all be blacked out.
But in the end, Jesus will come back and save the chosen. All this will happen soon, within the disciples' own lifetimes. He can't be specific about times, though, because he isn't sure. Only god knows.
The disciples themselves can expect beatings, family strife and patricide. Lots of people will hate on them, but if they can survive it all, they'll be rewarded in the joyless, sexless heaven promised in chapter 12.
When they see the the abomination of desolation (v. 14) that Daniel talked about, they should flee to the hills without pausing to take their treasured possessions, clothing or pregnant wives. Oh, and it will be ever so much worse if all this happens in winter.
What will this abomination of desolation look like? Well, it will be hell on earth. No one would survive if god didn't shorten the days to spare the faithful. There will be plenty of false Christs with tricks to convince us they're the real deal. The sun and moon and stars will all be blacked out.
But in the end, Jesus will come back and save the chosen. All this will happen soon, within the disciples' own lifetimes. He can't be specific about times, though, because he isn't sure. Only god knows.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Mark, Chapter 12
Oh, goody. Jesus is now going to speak in weird parables that are supposed to teach us things, but what those things are isn't clear because they're super-confusing.
First parable: a man plants a vineyard and becomes an absentee landlord. As you will see from the Wikipedia article, this situation has been problematic throughout history, and this case is no exception. When our landlord starts sending his slaves back to collect the rents, the tenants beat, then kill them. Eventually he runs out of slaves, so he sends his son, who is summarily beaten and killed. So the landlord comes back, kills all the tenants, and rents the farm out again. And what is our lesson? Draining wealth out of a region really pisses the residents of that region off, so it's better to live where your money is earned, lest you lose all your slaves and heirs? No, the lesson here is that the leaders of Judea have rejected Jesus, and now it's payback time. Clear as mud.
Those same priests were listening to this parable, and they sneak off to confer. They decide to send some Pharisees to ask about taxation and he advocates for separation of church and state.
Next up are the Sadducees, who don't believe in the afterlife, but want to know what would happen in the case of a woman who was widowed by seven successive brothers: whose wife is she in heaven? According to Jesus, heaven is a sexless paradise, not that anyone has ever come back to confirm or deny this.
Finally a scribe wants to ask him which commandment is the most important. Personally I've always liked the ones about graven images, the one nobody seems to care about. But Jesus says we should love god and our neighbours with all our hearts. That shuts everyone up.
Later, Jesus is teaching in the temple and asks why people think he's related to David when David was god, so how can he have a son? Or something. It's incredibly confusing. Then he starts criticising the scribes and priests for their love of fine fabrics and lavish feasts, which they finance by fleecing widows. Odd how no one ever follows that particular lesson, innit? To demonstrate, he leads them over to the collection plate, where people are just throwing in money. He notes a poor widow who has still managed to scrounge up some loose change for the church, and says she has given more than any of the rich people because she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living. (v. 44)
First parable: a man plants a vineyard and becomes an absentee landlord. As you will see from the Wikipedia article, this situation has been problematic throughout history, and this case is no exception. When our landlord starts sending his slaves back to collect the rents, the tenants beat, then kill them. Eventually he runs out of slaves, so he sends his son, who is summarily beaten and killed. So the landlord comes back, kills all the tenants, and rents the farm out again. And what is our lesson? Draining wealth out of a region really pisses the residents of that region off, so it's better to live where your money is earned, lest you lose all your slaves and heirs? No, the lesson here is that the leaders of Judea have rejected Jesus, and now it's payback time. Clear as mud.
Those same priests were listening to this parable, and they sneak off to confer. They decide to send some Pharisees to ask about taxation and he advocates for separation of church and state.
Next up are the Sadducees, who don't believe in the afterlife, but want to know what would happen in the case of a woman who was widowed by seven successive brothers: whose wife is she in heaven? According to Jesus, heaven is a sexless paradise, not that anyone has ever come back to confirm or deny this.
Finally a scribe wants to ask him which commandment is the most important. Personally I've always liked the ones about graven images, the one nobody seems to care about. But Jesus says we should love god and our neighbours with all our hearts. That shuts everyone up.
Later, Jesus is teaching in the temple and asks why people think he's related to David when David was god, so how can he have a son? Or something. It's incredibly confusing. Then he starts criticising the scribes and priests for their love of fine fabrics and lavish feasts, which they finance by fleecing widows. Odd how no one ever follows that particular lesson, innit? To demonstrate, he leads them over to the collection plate, where people are just throwing in money. He notes a poor widow who has still managed to scrounge up some loose change for the church, and says she has given more than any of the rich people because she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living. (v. 44)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Mark, Chapter 11: Jesus the horse-thief
Some prophet predicted that Jesus would ride into Jerusalem on a colt, so he steals one. People make a carpet of clothes and branches for him to ride on, and dance around him. He rides the colt up to the temple, takes a tour, then heads for his inn.
Now, unfortunately for Jesus, his hotel is on the Mount of Olives. If you've ever been there, you know that it's a food desert because it's in Arab East Jerusalem and it's nearly impossible for anyone to get planning permission for a balcony, let alone a restaurant. Anyway, Jesus is hungry, but his hotel doesn't do breakfast, so he tries to pick some figs from a nearby fig tree. But it isn't fig-picking time, so there aren't any. So he does the natural thing, at least for a person with low blood sugar, and curses the tree, thus making it even harder to find something to eat up there.
He continues on his merry way back to the temple, where his bad mood causes him to throw out the money-changers and dove sellers, calling it a den of thieves (v. 17). He forbids all commercial activity in the temple.
Now, as we established back in Exodus and Leviticus, the priests have a pretty good business going in the temples, what with their exclusive rights to sacrifice animals and sell things like tassels for your garments and tefillins and whatnot, a tradition that churches have kept up, first with indulgences and now with coffee shops, book stores and souvenir stands. And like anyone whose livelihood is being threatened by a crazy guy killing fig trees, the priests are none too happy with our boy and start trying to figure out how to get rid of him.
Meanwhile, Jesus heads back up the Mount of Olives. On the way, they pass by the fig tree, now withered. Jesus tells the disciples that they can have anything they ask for, even moving a mountain into the sea, as long as they pray for it. He reminds them to forgive, or god won't forgive them.
Not yet bored with the temple, Jesus heads back down there the next day. The priests have figured out their strategy, which is to ask him whose authority he is acting under. Jesus refuses to answer until they answer a question for him: the baptism of John, was it from heaven, or of men? (v. 30) The priests huddle up and decide that if they answer it was divine, Jesus will point out that they didn't believe it. But if they say it was of men, then they have the people to contend with, because they sure believed it. So they decline to answer. As does Jesus.
Now, unfortunately for Jesus, his hotel is on the Mount of Olives. If you've ever been there, you know that it's a food desert because it's in Arab East Jerusalem and it's nearly impossible for anyone to get planning permission for a balcony, let alone a restaurant. Anyway, Jesus is hungry, but his hotel doesn't do breakfast, so he tries to pick some figs from a nearby fig tree. But it isn't fig-picking time, so there aren't any. So he does the natural thing, at least for a person with low blood sugar, and curses the tree, thus making it even harder to find something to eat up there.
He continues on his merry way back to the temple, where his bad mood causes him to throw out the money-changers and dove sellers, calling it a den of thieves (v. 17). He forbids all commercial activity in the temple.
Now, as we established back in Exodus and Leviticus, the priests have a pretty good business going in the temples, what with their exclusive rights to sacrifice animals and sell things like tassels for your garments and tefillins and whatnot, a tradition that churches have kept up, first with indulgences and now with coffee shops, book stores and souvenir stands. And like anyone whose livelihood is being threatened by a crazy guy killing fig trees, the priests are none too happy with our boy and start trying to figure out how to get rid of him.
Meanwhile, Jesus heads back up the Mount of Olives. On the way, they pass by the fig tree, now withered. Jesus tells the disciples that they can have anything they ask for, even moving a mountain into the sea, as long as they pray for it. He reminds them to forgive, or god won't forgive them.
Not yet bored with the temple, Jesus heads back down there the next day. The priests have figured out their strategy, which is to ask him whose authority he is acting under. Jesus refuses to answer until they answer a question for him: the baptism of John, was it from heaven, or of men? (v. 30) The priests huddle up and decide that if they answer it was divine, Jesus will point out that they didn't believe it. But if they say it was of men, then they have the people to contend with, because they sure believed it. So they decline to answer. As does Jesus.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Mark, Chapter 10: Divorce is adultery
The Pharisees ask Jesus about divorce. Jesus points out that Mosaic law only allows it because people are so shitty, but he thinks that since god creates marriage, divorce is adultery.
Then some people bring kids to Jesus for healing. The disciples make frowny faces, which is nonsensical because he's cured plenty of kids already, hasn't he? Jesus says that even children can become members of the church.
As they're leaving a man runs up to them to ask how he can be good. Jesus instructs him to follow the commandments. He says he already does. So Jesus tells him he has to sell all his worldly possessions and follow them. The guy doesn't like that, because he's rich, so he leaves them to found the prosperity gospel. Jesus says again that it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven, and bible commentators everywhere repeat 'Difficult, but not impossible!' so they don't have to give up their occasionally cushy lifestyles. He also says that if you give up your family and inheritance for him, you'll be rewarded tenfold in heaven. And again, if people really believed that, their would be a lot less talking about death taxes and a lot more charitable giving in life.
They leave and start walking towards Jerusalem, and Jesus starts prattling on about his death again. As I predicted in chapter 9, the disciples are like, 'Yeah, yeah, you'll die and go to heaven, great, but which of US will sit on your right side and who gets the left?' Jesus again refuses to settle the question, preferring to cast a devil out of a blind man sitting by the side of the road.
Then some people bring kids to Jesus for healing. The disciples make frowny faces, which is nonsensical because he's cured plenty of kids already, hasn't he? Jesus says that even children can become members of the church.
As they're leaving a man runs up to them to ask how he can be good. Jesus instructs him to follow the commandments. He says he already does. So Jesus tells him he has to sell all his worldly possessions and follow them. The guy doesn't like that, because he's rich, so he leaves them to found the prosperity gospel. Jesus says again that it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven, and bible commentators everywhere repeat 'Difficult, but not impossible!' so they don't have to give up their occasionally cushy lifestyles. He also says that if you give up your family and inheritance for him, you'll be rewarded tenfold in heaven. And again, if people really believed that, their would be a lot less talking about death taxes and a lot more charitable giving in life.
They leave and start walking towards Jerusalem, and Jesus starts prattling on about his death again. As I predicted in chapter 9, the disciples are like, 'Yeah, yeah, you'll die and go to heaven, great, but which of US will sit on your right side and who gets the left?' Jesus again refuses to settle the question, preferring to cast a devil out of a blind man sitting by the side of the road.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Mark, Chapter 9: Disciples & Tiaras
Jesus promises some of the disciples that the end of the world will happen within their lifetimes. Whoops! Then he goes up a hill with Peter, James and John and does his Sparkle Magic trick. Moses and Elijah appear. For some reason, this makes Peter think of DIY and he offers to build them huts. Then the disciples blink and Moses and Elijah are gone. As they go down the mountain, Jesus swears the others to secrecy until he rises from the dead.
The disciples change the subject, asking why the prophecies say that Elijah must come back from the dead before the Messiah will arrive. Jesus says that Elijah is on his way to get things ready, then asks them why the scriptures say the Messiah will be treated badly. Then he changes his whole story, saying Elijah was already there and people were rude to him. Apparently, Elijah is John the Baptist.
By now we've reached the rest of the disciples, who are surrounded by a large crowd. Jesus asks for the 411 and someone from the crowd pipes up that his son is possessed by a spirit that won't let him talk and makes him foam at the mouth. The disciples have been unable to come up with a cure. Jesus calls them all faithless and grumbles that he simply cannot wait to die and be done with them. Then he asks for the kid, who immediately falls to the ground and starts playing his bit. He promises that all things are possible to him that believeth. (v. 23) Which is totally awesome for him, because it means that anything good that happens to you is to his credit, whereas anything bad is your fault. The father replies that he believes, since it's not like Jesus gave him anti-psychotics. Anyway, the spirit comes out and the boy is cured.
The disciples pull Jesus off to the side and ask why the trick didn't work for them. Jesus says this particular spirit was only responsive to prayer and fasting, as if nobody had ever tried it before.
They head off towards Galilee, and Jesus starts talking about his death some more. As they arrive, he mentions that he heard the disciples arguing earlier and asks why. They don't want to admit that they were squabbling about which of them was Ultimate Queen Grand Wizard Royal Nacho Supreme Burrito. Jesus replies If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all (v. 35) thus ensuring that the argument will never, ever be settled. He picks up some random child from who knows where and tells them Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. (v. 37)
The disciples change the subject randomly to a guy they saw somewhere doing their same dog-and-devil trick. Jesus says it's fine, the dude is on their side and For he that is not against us is on our part (v. 40). Then he starts babbling about cutting off hands and feet and plucking out eyes and worms and salt.
The disciples change the subject, asking why the prophecies say that Elijah must come back from the dead before the Messiah will arrive. Jesus says that Elijah is on his way to get things ready, then asks them why the scriptures say the Messiah will be treated badly. Then he changes his whole story, saying Elijah was already there and people were rude to him. Apparently, Elijah is John the Baptist.
By now we've reached the rest of the disciples, who are surrounded by a large crowd. Jesus asks for the 411 and someone from the crowd pipes up that his son is possessed by a spirit that won't let him talk and makes him foam at the mouth. The disciples have been unable to come up with a cure. Jesus calls them all faithless and grumbles that he simply cannot wait to die and be done with them. Then he asks for the kid, who immediately falls to the ground and starts playing his bit. He promises that all things are possible to him that believeth. (v. 23) Which is totally awesome for him, because it means that anything good that happens to you is to his credit, whereas anything bad is your fault. The father replies that he believes, since it's not like Jesus gave him anti-psychotics. Anyway, the spirit comes out and the boy is cured.
The disciples pull Jesus off to the side and ask why the trick didn't work for them. Jesus says this particular spirit was only responsive to prayer and fasting, as if nobody had ever tried it before.
They head off towards Galilee, and Jesus starts talking about his death some more. As they arrive, he mentions that he heard the disciples arguing earlier and asks why. They don't want to admit that they were squabbling about which of them was Ultimate Queen Grand Wizard Royal Nacho Supreme Burrito. Jesus replies If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all (v. 35) thus ensuring that the argument will never, ever be settled. He picks up some random child from who knows where and tells them Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. (v. 37)
The disciples change the subject randomly to a guy they saw somewhere doing their same dog-and-devil trick. Jesus says it's fine, the dude is on their side and For he that is not against us is on our part (v. 40). Then he starts babbling about cutting off hands and feet and plucking out eyes and worms and salt.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Mark, Chapter 8: Here's spit in your eye
Jesus & co. have been hanging out in the wilderness for 3 days, and the big guy finally notices that people are getting hungry. He doesn't want to send them home for food, in case they faint from hunger on the way home, but the disciples point out that they're in a food desert, so what to do? It turns out this has all been an elaborate ruse so that Jesus can repeat the ole loaves 'n' fishes trick for the fourth time. The disciple brain trust, of course, doesn't get it.
Having fed the 4000-strong crowd, Jesus gets bored and takes yet another boat trip. The Pharisees are waiting for him to challenge him to prove he's the real deal. Jesus sighs and says the sign won't happen during this generation. Then he gets back on the boat and sails away. But the disciples quickly discover that they've forgotten to bring any food, save for one loaf of bread. Rather than point out that there are worse things than missing one freaking meal, Jesus jeers at them for not recognizing him.
After what we can only assume was a grouchy night with a bunch of hypoglycemics, our heros arrive in Bethsaida where a crowd immediately gathers. A blind guy is among them and he asks Jesus to restore his sight. And how will he do it? Surgery? Eye drops? No. Jesus spits in the guy's eyes. Ew. I'd almost rather be blind. It doesn't work completely, because that's the beauty of faith healing: if it doesn't work, it's your fault, so Jesus puts his hands over the dude's eyes and his sight is fully restored.
Jesus decides to go for a walk, and as they're strolling, he asks who people are saying he is. The prophets answer that some people think John the Baptist, others one of the prophets. Dissatisfied, Jesus asks who they think he is. The disciples identify him correctly and he swears them to secrecy. Then he tells them how he's going to die.
Having fed the 4000-strong crowd, Jesus gets bored and takes yet another boat trip. The Pharisees are waiting for him to challenge him to prove he's the real deal. Jesus sighs and says the sign won't happen during this generation. Then he gets back on the boat and sails away. But the disciples quickly discover that they've forgotten to bring any food, save for one loaf of bread. Rather than point out that there are worse things than missing one freaking meal, Jesus jeers at them for not recognizing him.
After what we can only assume was a grouchy night with a bunch of hypoglycemics, our heros arrive in Bethsaida where a crowd immediately gathers. A blind guy is among them and he asks Jesus to restore his sight. And how will he do it? Surgery? Eye drops? No. Jesus spits in the guy's eyes. Ew. I'd almost rather be blind. It doesn't work completely, because that's the beauty of faith healing: if it doesn't work, it's your fault, so Jesus puts his hands over the dude's eyes and his sight is fully restored.
Jesus decides to go for a walk, and as they're strolling, he asks who people are saying he is. The prophets answer that some people think John the Baptist, others one of the prophets. Dissatisfied, Jesus asks who they think he is. The disciples identify him correctly and he swears them to secrecy. Then he tells them how he's going to die.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Mark, Chapter 7: Plug your ears to cure deafness
In a show of unconventionality and, now that we have a germ theory, nastiness, Jesus & Co. don't wash their hands before eating or after coming in from the market. Nor do they wash their dishes, cooking pots or tables. And these four verses crystalize perfectly why this book is and ought to be completely irrelevant to us except as a literary and historical curiosity, because I doubt there are any Christians out there who eschew hand washing and claim they're 'following Jesus' teachings.'
Of course the Pharisees don't have a germ theory, because all this 'happened' two thousand years ago, so to them this is just a pissing match about religious customs, which Jesus escalates by pointing out that the Pharisees don't kill disobedient children, even though it's written in Mosaic law. He raises his voice to address the crowd: whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats? (v. 18-19) except again, we now have germ theory. Oh, and apparently this is why we can now eat things like shellfish and pigs. Just make sure you wash them first. Then we get a list of things that do defile us, like fornication and foolishness, at least until we discovered germs.
Jesus tries to pull a Greta Garbo and sneak off to Tyre to be alone. Invariably, people find him and start asking for faith healing. First is a Greek woman with a possessed daughter. Jesus initially refuses, saying he needs all his mojo for his fellow Jews and comparing her to a dog, but she argues with him and he decides to save his energy and just save the girl.
His cover blown, he next seeks some peace and quiet in Decapolis, but no, someone is waiting for him with a deaf guy who also has a speech impediment. Jesus cures him in exactly the way you would expect if you come from a society that values science: he gives him some hearing aids and speech therapy. Oh wait! That's not what happens at all! In fact, he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue (v. 33). Gross! And not likely to work at all! But have at it, true believers, more science for the rest of us. Jesus swears everybody to secrecy, which as we all know is the best way to make sure everyone in the world hears about it.
Of course the Pharisees don't have a germ theory, because all this 'happened' two thousand years ago, so to them this is just a pissing match about religious customs, which Jesus escalates by pointing out that the Pharisees don't kill disobedient children, even though it's written in Mosaic law. He raises his voice to address the crowd: whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats? (v. 18-19) except again, we now have germ theory. Oh, and apparently this is why we can now eat things like shellfish and pigs. Just make sure you wash them first. Then we get a list of things that do defile us, like fornication and foolishness, at least until we discovered germs.
Jesus tries to pull a Greta Garbo and sneak off to Tyre to be alone. Invariably, people find him and start asking for faith healing. First is a Greek woman with a possessed daughter. Jesus initially refuses, saying he needs all his mojo for his fellow Jews and comparing her to a dog, but she argues with him and he decides to save his energy and just save the girl.
His cover blown, he next seeks some peace and quiet in Decapolis, but no, someone is waiting for him with a deaf guy who also has a speech impediment. Jesus cures him in exactly the way you would expect if you come from a society that values science: he gives him some hearing aids and speech therapy. Oh wait! That's not what happens at all! In fact, he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue (v. 33). Gross! And not likely to work at all! But have at it, true believers, more science for the rest of us. Jesus swears everybody to secrecy, which as we all know is the best way to make sure everyone in the world hears about it.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Mark, Chapter 6: How to cure faith healing
Jesus goes back to Nazareth and starts teaching in the temple. The people are amazed that this is the same carpenter with 6 brothers and sisters, which the bible commentaries either gloss over completely or dismiss as being mere relatives, because in the fantasy, Mary stayed a virgin her entire life.
Anyway, the Nazarenes don't believe in Jesus and so take away his ability to heal people. Because it was only based on faith. Just like the idea that house prices will always go up or gold is a good investment.
Jesus quickly bores of his hometown and sends the disciples off to do good works, telling them to only take a staff, a cloak and a pair of sandals. Any place that refuses to receive them will be burnt up like Sodom and Gomorrha. So they go around casting out devils and anointing people with oil.
Meanwhile, Herod finally hears about Jesus and thinks he's the reincarnated John the Baptist, who, you will recall, he executed after his sister-in-law forced her daughter to ask for his head in a basket after she danced really nicely instead of an iPhone or some Ugg boots like any other teenage girl would want. Other people think he's Elijah or another prophet.
The disciples return, and Jesus decides to take them out to the desert for a corporate retreat, where they'll picnic and share their stories from the road. Unfortunately, people see them leaving and follow them. And after sitting out in the desert all day, they start to get pretty hungry. The disciples nicely offer to go into town and get some bread, but Jesus wants to show off his loaves-and-fishes trick, so they do that instead. Then the disciples take off for yet another cruise while Jesus heads up a mountain to pray. In the evening, he walks across water to rejoin the disciples, who are attempting to row the boat in a nasty storm. Jesus calms the sea down and they continue to their destination, where people immediately start bringing sick relatives over for him to heal.
Anyway, the Nazarenes don't believe in Jesus and so take away his ability to heal people. Because it was only based on faith. Just like the idea that house prices will always go up or gold is a good investment.
Jesus quickly bores of his hometown and sends the disciples off to do good works, telling them to only take a staff, a cloak and a pair of sandals. Any place that refuses to receive them will be burnt up like Sodom and Gomorrha. So they go around casting out devils and anointing people with oil.
Meanwhile, Herod finally hears about Jesus and thinks he's the reincarnated John the Baptist, who, you will recall, he executed after his sister-in-law forced her daughter to ask for his head in a basket after she danced really nicely instead of an iPhone or some Ugg boots like any other teenage girl would want. Other people think he's Elijah or another prophet.
The disciples return, and Jesus decides to take them out to the desert for a corporate retreat, where they'll picnic and share their stories from the road. Unfortunately, people see them leaving and follow them. And after sitting out in the desert all day, they start to get pretty hungry. The disciples nicely offer to go into town and get some bread, but Jesus wants to show off his loaves-and-fishes trick, so they do that instead. Then the disciples take off for yet another cruise while Jesus heads up a mountain to pray. In the evening, he walks across water to rejoin the disciples, who are attempting to row the boat in a nasty storm. Jesus calms the sea down and they continue to their destination, where people immediately start bringing sick relatives over for him to heal.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mark, Chapters 5: Meet Houdini
Jesus gets off a ship and is immediately accosted by a guy suffering from multiple personality disorder who lives in a cave. The townspeople have tried to tie him up with chains, but the guy is an early Houdini and always manages to wriggle out of them. So now he spends his days howling and cutting himself. The devil inside him recognises Jesus. Jesus tells him to come out of the guy and asks his name. I never knew this was a biblical line: My name is Legion: for we are many. (v. 9) Jesus repeats his trick of casting the devils into pigs then sending the pigs into the sea. Then all the other MPD sufferers start coming around with their devils. Oddly, the people are rather fond of their multiple personalities and ask Jesus to leave.
So Jesus leaves on his ship and goes back across the sea, where word of his works has already spread. The first person to nab him is a priest with a sick daughter, whom he heals. Then a woman who has been experiencing unexplained bleeding for 12 years that doctors cannot seem to cure comes along and he fixes her right up. We're all flashing to that faith healing scene in Man on the Moon here, right? Because all she has to do is touch his robe and the bleeding stops.
But! A sick woman touching his robes apparently causes Jesus to lose all his power. He asks who touched him, and the woman admits it, so he calms down. Then! Somebody from the high priest's house comes and says the daughter is dead. And Jesus repeats that she's just resting. He downplays the whole thing and swears them all to secrecy.
So Jesus leaves on his ship and goes back across the sea, where word of his works has already spread. The first person to nab him is a priest with a sick daughter, whom he heals. Then a woman who has been experiencing unexplained bleeding for 12 years that doctors cannot seem to cure comes along and he fixes her right up. We're all flashing to that faith healing scene in Man on the Moon here, right? Because all she has to do is touch his robe and the bleeding stops.
But! A sick woman touching his robes apparently causes Jesus to lose all his power. He asks who touched him, and the woman admits it, so he calms down. Then! Somebody from the high priest's house comes and says the daughter is dead. And Jesus repeats that she's just resting. He downplays the whole thing and swears them all to secrecy.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mark, Chapters 3 & 4
Chapter 3
Jesus is in the temple on the sabbath day. A man with a withered hand approaches to ask for healing. The Pharisees lean in close, eager to see if Jesus will break the sabbath. He just stares back at them defiantly and heals the dude. The Pharisees go off to find the Herodians to gossip about what a horrible, sabbath-breaking bitch he is.
But Jesus has better things to do, like go on a healing cruise 'round Judea. He drives out all kinds of devils, all of whom recognise him, and all of whom he swears to secrecy.
When Jesus gets tired of shipboard life, he goes mountain-climbing, where he names his twelve disciples. But eventually the people find them and Jesus gets so busy he doesn't have time to eat. His friends say he's insane and the scribes think his ability to drive out devils must be given by the chief devil, Beelzebub, to which he replies How can Satan cast out Satan? And if a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand. And if Satan rise up against himself, and be divided, he cannot stand, but hath an end. (v. 23-26) Then he says that all sins save blasphemy against the Holy Ghost can be forgiven. After the argument, Jesus' mother and brothers show up and ask to talk to him, but he refuses, saying the people around him are his real family.
Chapter 4
Jesus heads down to the beach and starts reciting parables. He tells the one about the sower that we already heard in Matthew, so I'm not going to repeat it. The disciples ask him why he's always gotta say such confusing things, and he says that it's deliberate, lest they convert and be forgiven. Then he tells another parable about candles and secrets that ends with For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath. (v. 25) Then they take yet another cruise and repeat the tempest story.
Jesus is in the temple on the sabbath day. A man with a withered hand approaches to ask for healing. The Pharisees lean in close, eager to see if Jesus will break the sabbath. He just stares back at them defiantly and heals the dude. The Pharisees go off to find the Herodians to gossip about what a horrible, sabbath-breaking bitch he is.
But Jesus has better things to do, like go on a healing cruise 'round Judea. He drives out all kinds of devils, all of whom recognise him, and all of whom he swears to secrecy.
When Jesus gets tired of shipboard life, he goes mountain-climbing, where he names his twelve disciples. But eventually the people find them and Jesus gets so busy he doesn't have time to eat. His friends say he's insane and the scribes think his ability to drive out devils must be given by the chief devil, Beelzebub, to which he replies How can Satan cast out Satan? And if a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand. And if Satan rise up against himself, and be divided, he cannot stand, but hath an end. (v. 23-26) Then he says that all sins save blasphemy against the Holy Ghost can be forgiven. After the argument, Jesus' mother and brothers show up and ask to talk to him, but he refuses, saying the people around him are his real family.
Chapter 4
Jesus heads down to the beach and starts reciting parables. He tells the one about the sower that we already heard in Matthew, so I'm not going to repeat it. The disciples ask him why he's always gotta say such confusing things, and he says that it's deliberate, lest they convert and be forgiven. Then he tells another parable about candles and secrets that ends with For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath. (v. 25) Then they take yet another cruise and repeat the tempest story.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Mark, Chapter 2: Sinning causes paralysis
Jesus goes back to Capernum and is immediately besieged by people seeking cures for what ails them. One is a paralysed man. Jesus looks at him and says Son, thy sins be forgiven thee. (v. 3)
Someconcern trolls scribes happen to be watching this, and they fret amongst themselves that Jesus is blaspheming. Jesus reads their minds and challenges them, asking Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk? (v. 9) As he's talking, he's getting more and more pissed off, so he decides to prove that the son of man has the power to forgive sins. So he turns to the paralysed dude and says Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house. (v. 10) This shuts the skeptics up.
Jesus decides to take a beach vacation, but even there people seek him out. He also picks up a new disciple, Levi. They go out for dinner, and while they're eating, people are still coming up to them with their gross diseases and mental illnesses and asking him to heal them. Thank god for health codes, is all I have to say.
The Pharisees make their first appearance, this time to point out that Jesus shouldn't be eating in public, with bartenders and other sinners. Jesus retorts that just like healthy people don't need a doctor, righteous people don't need him. So they ask why they and John's followers fast, but Jesus' followers don't. Tyranny of small differences, that. Jesus compares himself to a bridegroom whose guests eat and drink at the wedding and fast later and tells a couple of confusing parables about a patched garment tearing because the patch isn't pre-shrunk and how recycling a wine bottle makes it explode.
Then we're back to that cornfield interlude where Jesus & co. are rudely picking and eating someone else's corn and the Pharisees have nothing better to do than follow them around criticising them for doing it on the sabbath, as though that's the real crime here. Jesus' answer, again, is David did it and who cares and I'm Jesus, so fuck you.
Some
Jesus decides to take a beach vacation, but even there people seek him out. He also picks up a new disciple, Levi. They go out for dinner, and while they're eating, people are still coming up to them with their gross diseases and mental illnesses and asking him to heal them. Thank god for health codes, is all I have to say.
The Pharisees make their first appearance, this time to point out that Jesus shouldn't be eating in public, with bartenders and other sinners. Jesus retorts that just like healthy people don't need a doctor, righteous people don't need him. So they ask why they and John's followers fast, but Jesus' followers don't. Tyranny of small differences, that. Jesus compares himself to a bridegroom whose guests eat and drink at the wedding and fast later and tells a couple of confusing parables about a patched garment tearing because the patch isn't pre-shrunk and how recycling a wine bottle makes it explode.
Then we're back to that cornfield interlude where Jesus & co. are rudely picking and eating someone else's corn and the Pharisees have nothing better to do than follow them around criticising them for doing it on the sabbath, as though that's the real crime here. Jesus' answer, again, is David did it and who cares and I'm Jesus, so fuck you.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Mark, Chapter 1: No virgins here
All that stuff about virgin births, mangers, shepherds, stars and myrrh that leads to broomstick brawls? Not in Mark. Nope, we get a cold open on John the Baptist, hanging out in the woods, baptising and eating locusts. After awhile, Jesus comes along to be baptised. This time there's no arguing, he just submerges him and when he comes back up, god says that's awesome.
Then events start happening in a whirlwind, with no pauses for description: desert, temptation, John goes to prison, Jesus walks around telling everyone to repent or go to hell.
He picks up Simon, Andrew, James and John, the fishermen, and they all go to Capernaum to preach in the temple. Everybody finds this most irregular. A crazy dude in the temple recognises him and asks him if he's there to destroy everything. Jesus calls out the evil spirit that is making the guy crazy and tells it to shut up. It obeys. The people around him are amazed, and more than a little wary of this stranger who can control schizophrenics.
Word quickly spreads that there's a guy in the temple who can cure mental illness, so people start bringing their weird uncles and such to him just to get a bit of peace at dinner. Jesus casts out each and every devil, swearing all of them to secrecy. He also cures Simon's mother-in-law of a fever.
The next day, Jesus gets up before dawn to go and pray. The disciples find him and say people are asking for him, but Jesus wants to get a move on. They travel around Galilee, curing people and casting out devils. At one point, a leper waylays them and Jesus does his usual magic and swears the guy to secrecy. But the guy starts blabbing, and pretty soon they can't enter the city anymore, so they hang out in the desert for awhile, curing and casting.
Then events start happening in a whirlwind, with no pauses for description: desert, temptation, John goes to prison, Jesus walks around telling everyone to repent or go to hell.
He picks up Simon, Andrew, James and John, the fishermen, and they all go to Capernaum to preach in the temple. Everybody finds this most irregular. A crazy dude in the temple recognises him and asks him if he's there to destroy everything. Jesus calls out the evil spirit that is making the guy crazy and tells it to shut up. It obeys. The people around him are amazed, and more than a little wary of this stranger who can control schizophrenics.
Word quickly spreads that there's a guy in the temple who can cure mental illness, so people start bringing their weird uncles and such to him just to get a bit of peace at dinner. Jesus casts out each and every devil, swearing all of them to secrecy. He also cures Simon's mother-in-law of a fever.
The next day, Jesus gets up before dawn to go and pray. The disciples find him and say people are asking for him, but Jesus wants to get a move on. They travel around Galilee, curing people and casting out devils. At one point, a leper waylays them and Jesus does his usual magic and swears the guy to secrecy. But the guy starts blabbing, and pretty soon they can't enter the city anymore, so they hang out in the desert for awhile, curing and casting.
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