Matthew, Chapter 28: The cat came back

A couple of days later, a couple of Marys come to gawk at the sepulchre. I've actually been to the church where all this supposedly happened, and not much has changed. Anyway, as they're taking photos, an earthquake strikes and an angel rolls the stone back. Zombie Jesus is inside, His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow (v. 3). He kills the guards and eats their brains The guards fall down dead.

The angels assure the women that they're cool, and invites them into the tomb for more photo ops. He tells them to go and alert the disciples and that Jesus will meet all of them in Galilee. Jesus meets them, and they have a joyful, foot-hugging reunion.

Meanwhile, some of the guards have found the dead guards and run to tell the city fathers. They bribe the guards to say that the disciples stole Jesus' body while they slept and promise to cover for them if Pilate asks questions.

Back to Jesus and the disciples, who have gone off into the mountains for some quiet time. Jesus says he's fully god now and tells them to keep spreading his message. The end.