Matthew, Chapters 16 & 17: Jesus is on Team Edward

Chapter 16

Did you know that the signs of the times (v. 3) is biblical? I did not. Anyway, Jesus says it in response to his critics, who are merely asking him to prove that he is what he says he is.

His disciples show up hungry, and he warns them not to buy dinner from the Pharisees, but rather to have faith, like the loaves and fishes incidents. But he's not talking about bread! He's really talking about doctrine.

Jesus gets itchy feet again, so they go to Caesarea. On the way, Jesus asks what people are saying about him. Because he's a 12 year old girl. They say that people think he's the resurrected John the Baptist or a prophet. Still insecure, he asks the disciples what they think he is. Simon Peter quickly responds that he's the son of the living god and is made pope as a reward. Then he starts bumming them out with stories of how he's going to die.

Peter tells him not to be such a downer, and Jesus responds with Get thee behind me, Satan (v. 23) not five verses after making him the pope. Then he says they can come along if they want and they'll be rewarded.

Chapter 17

Six days later, Jesus takes Peter, James and John up a mountain and gets transfigured. Do all religions talk about this? Because I had no idea what it means. In fact, his face gets all glowy and his clothes turn white. So, he took a bath and did some laundry, then.

Moses and Elias then appear. Peter starts to say something about building temples, but god rudely interrupts and tells him to listen to Jesus. He tells them to keep all this a secret until he's risen from the dead. They start pestering him with questions about Elias, and he promises he'll come back and restore things. Then he starts talking about John the Baptist and curing epileptics with prayer, fasting and exorcism. Don't try that at home.

Next he starts talking about how he'll be betrayed and killed, but he'll come back three days later. Finally, the arrive in Capernum, where a toll collector asks for their money. Jesus balks at collecting entry fees for strangers but letting citizens in for free, which I completely agree with him about. But rather than offend the people, he tells Peter to go fishing and to take the coin from he mouth of the first fish he catches.