Matthew, Chapter 25: Don't forget to oil your virgin

Jesus tells another weird parable about what heaven is like:

A man gets married to 10 virgins. Sold!

Just kidding. Five of the virgins are smart and remember to bring oil for their lamps with them to the bridal suite. Five of them are foolish and forget. What a dumb intelligence test.

Even with 10 hot virgins waiting upstairs, the bridegroom doesn't want to leave the party, which is how you know he's gay. While he's still dancing along to YMCA, the virgins get bored and fall asleep. At midnight, though, he finally decides to face the inevitable and deflower his brides.

The five allegedly stupid virgins ask the smart ones for lamp oil, but the smart ones are also catty bitches, so they tell the dumb ones to go buy their own oil. While they're out, the smart wives convince him that five women is really enough for any man, so when they come back he says I know you not. (v. 12) Apparently, this demonstrates how we always have to be prepared should we find ourselves sharing a husband with a bunch of selfish sister wives.

Then he has another weird parable:

A man goes on holiday and trusts his fortune to his three servants while he's away. He gives one slave 5 talents, 2 to another, and 1 to the third. The first servant manages to trade his talents for a house Whoops! Actually, he doubles his money, as does the slave with 2 talents. The third one is as dopey as the oil-lacking virgins and buries his talent.

After a long time, the master comes back and asks about his money. The first two servants tell the story, and he praises them. The third, though, not only gives his master dirty money that he dug out of the ground, but insults him as well, saying he reaps what he doesn't sow and gathers wheat he didn't grow. The master admits it, then criticises him for not making money through usury. He orders the slave to give his talent to the guy with the 10 talents and says For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. (v. 25) No wonder Republicans love Jesus so much! The master orders the slave banished, so he founds Occupy Wall Street. Just kidding!

The takeaway? Jesus will come back someday to sit on his golden throne. Some people, the sheep, will sit on his right and go to heaven. The ones on the left, the goats, are going to hell.