2 Corinthians, Chapters 11-13: Virgins for Jesus

Chapter 11

Paul asks us to bear with his foolishness, then admits that he's jealous because we'll be going to our marriage beds with Jesus as virgins. Of course he also thinks we're dummies who'll do it with Satan, because during the apocalypse, there will be a lot of people claiming to be Christ.

Paul changes topic so he can humble-brag that though his speech isn't polished, he's at least as awesome as all the other apostles. Like Peter, who jumped out of a boat that one time, then spent a whole night pretending not to know Jesus? Set your sights high, Paul.

He also reminds us that he's doing this gratis for the Corinthians, since other churches already paid him. He also admits that he's not actually coming to Corinth, all Godot-like, not because he doesn't love them, but because you get what you pay for. Also, other places need him more.

He then riffs some more on the fools theme, saying he acts like a fool because ye suffer fools gladly (v. 19), which I did not know was a biblical expression. Not only do they like fools, they like slavers and people who slap them across the face. Next, he starts ranting about how superior he is to all the false prophets, after all, he's more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. (v. 23) He then starts listing off all the things he's suffered. Highlights include 3 non-hyperbolic-at-all shipwrecks, an entire day spent in the ocean, 195 lashings doled out over 5 sessions, and being lowered out of a prison window in a basket.

Chapter 12

Now Paul wants to tell us about the visions he's received from god. Once, he was high as a kite, possibly having an out-of-body experience and he met a fellow christian who went to heaven and heard things so amazing no human could possibly express them. And that's literally all we find out about this guy. Because telling us this story would be bragging, and Paul only wants to tell us about his weaknesses.

At one point, Paul had either a literal or a metaphorical thorn in his flesh. He kept asking god to take it out, but god kept saying his grace was enough. So now Paul likes his weaknesses, because somehow it means he's stronger in Christ.

He does promise to visit the Corinthians again, even though the more he loves them, the less they love him. He says he lured them in through deceit, but says it's so they'll see the truth. Also, it's so they won't disappoint him when he finally arrives.

Chapter 13

Paul reiterates his promise to visit the Corinthians so he can judge them. He says he'll only try cases that have 2 or 3 witnesses, and therefore he won't be lenient. Here's how to tell if you're a reprobate, which is a word I always thought my mother just made up: if Jesus is in you, you're fine. Also, don't do evil shit. Paul promises to come in a couple of months. 

2 Corinthians, Chapters 9 & 10: Spare us the speeches

Chapter 9

Paul changes tactic and starts telling the Corinthians how he's been bragging about their generosity to the Macedonians. He's sending some other disciples to pick up the money, and he hopes they won't be disappointed. Of course, this is all freely chosen, it's just that he'd look awfully silly if he boasted about this and didn't deliver. Besides all that, it also helps them to get into heaven, because God loveth a cheerful giver (v. 7).

Chapter 10

Paul claims he's shy in person, but bold in print, so he hopes he won't get into any confrontations when he finally puts down his pen and heads for Corinth. His only weapons are his ability to hector people into converting just to shut him up. He also promises to punish the disobedient in the future.

Apparently, there is already a schism as Paul is writing, with each side saying they're the true heirs of Christ. He urges them to see that they're all christians. He says he's not trying to frighten them with his letters, he just feels more comfortable writing, as people have said his speeches suck. He does promise that he's been practising and he'll be better in person. However, they won't go too far, just evangelising.  

2 Corinthians, Chapters 7 & 8: Competitive Donating

Chapter 7

Paul advises us to cleanse ourselves for the apocalypse. He also urges us to make rooms in our hearts for him and his friends, and claims they haven't corrupted anyone. He says he's proud of the Corinthians for making Macedonia safe for him and Titus, who has told him how much they miss him. He says he doesn't regret sending his last letter, even though it made them sad for awhile, but it did make them repent, and hopefully stop banging their stepmothers, so he's happy he sent it.

Apparently holy sorrow leads us to heaven, but worldly sorrow leads us to hell. But now the Corinthians are back on the right track. He closes by reassuring them that Titus loves them in his heart and that he himself is confident in them.

Chapter 8

Paul will now give us a list of all the good things the churches have done in Macedonia. The congregation is poor in monetary terms, but spiritually generous. They gave a big donation to the poor Christians in Jerusalem. They can expect a future begging visit from Titus. Paul isn't commanding them, just setting them up for a friendly competition with other churches to see who can raise the most cash, just like Jesus. He says the Corinthians have a good shot, since they won last year, but reminds them not to give more than they can afford. He assures them that later on, when they need money, the Jerusalem crowd will pay it forward. Unless the world ends, of course.

Paul promises to send someone along with Titus for extra exhorting, but supposedly because the church wants to be completely transparent in its cash dealings, the first and last time one of them made that claim.

2 Corinthians, Chapters 5 & 6: Watch out for people walking by faith

Chapter 5

It doesn't matter if your life sucks here on earth, if you're homeless, naked and sick, because soon you'll die and go to heaven, where you'll have nice things. Also, faithful people walk by faith, not by sight (v. 6). 

You have to be good, because after you die, Jesus is going to judge you and he's terrifying. Or god is, but since they're all one, it's also Jesus. If christians are acting all crazy, it's because of god, but if they're normal, it's because they want to save you. Either way, it's all controlled by Jesus. 

Christians are to stop considering other people from a worldly perspective. Even though they once did that with Jesus, they have to stop. Also, Jesus was made in sin, which somehow absolved all the actual sinners.

Chapter 6

There's no waiting! You have to choose salvation now or never. But no pressure or anything. The apostles won't put any stumbling blocks in your way. Rather, they'll endure patiently, even lashings, secure in the holy ghost's love. They extend this love to the Corinthians, who are holding their love in their bowels. Seems as good a place as any. 

Finally, don't associate with non-Christians, because they might turn you evil.    

2 Corinthians, Chapters 3 & 4: Slagging off Moses

Chapter 3

Paul informs us that christians don't need letters of introductions, because they're written in their hearts. We're also told that all our competences are given by god. He promises a new covenant with god, given not by a set of laws, but by the holy spirit. Much easier for getting converts that way. Also good? Telling people the old way leads to death. And that they can get to know god through the new way.

Now, with all our newfound glory, we can be direct, unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so people wouldn't see the shine of god fading. Apparently the people of Israel still wear this veil over their hearts. If they turn to god, though, the veil will be lifted.

Chapter 4

Now that we have this awesome new relationship with god, we need to be forthright in telling people about it. If their hearts remain veiled, Satan did it. After all, they aren't preaching about themselves, but about Jesus, because god turned a light on in our hearts. This allows us to be troubled but not distressed, perplexed but not despairing, persecuted but not foresaken, cast down but not destroyed. Our suffering is supposed to remind us of Jesus, and give life to others.

2 Corinthians, Chapters 1 & 2: Deoderant is holy

Chapter 1

Paul and Timothy are writing this letter to tell the parishioners in Corinth about the trouble they had in Asia, where they were sentenced to death, but clearly didn't die, because now they're writing. They credit god and the congregation's prayers for their rescue.

Jesus is coming, but since that might not be for awhile yet, Paul plans to visit Corinth again. He asks them if they think he made a change in his itinerary on  a whim? Because he didn't get travel insurance and this is going to cost him an arm and a leg.

Chapter 2

Paul has decided this visit won't be as painful as the last one, because they're the only people he knows there, and if they're upset, he won't have anyone to talk to. He is confident they won't do anything to upset him, either. It's like visiting in-laws.

He admits that he was pretty teary when he last wrote, but he only wants to show them how much he loves them. He also tells them that whoever caused all the grief from before hurt them more than he did Paul. Still, the man has been punished by ostracism, so that's enough and now they should forgive him, lest he get depressed.

He also wants to know if they've been forgiving and obedient, because otherwise, Satan will get them. He also informs us that saved people smell nicer to god, but worse to Satan.

1 Corinthians, Chapters 15 & 16: Zombie Apocalypse

Chapter 15

You'll go to heaven if you can just keep the following facts straight in your head: Jesus died for our sins, Simon Peter/Peter/Cephas saw him 3 days later, as did the apostles and 500 other people who are mostly still alive, then James, then finally Paul, who humble-brags that he isn't worthy of being an apostle, but works harder than any of them.So you should believe what he preaches.

Now, some questions: how can people think Jesus didn't rise from the dead, even though Paul has said it happened? Because if it doesn't happen, Paul & co are liars and we're all still sinners. Yup. But don't worry your pretty little heads, dearies, Paul can assure you that Jesus did die and rise from the dead, and just like Adam brought death to the world, Jesus will bring eternal life again when he comes back. Someday. Then there will be an apocalypse, where Jesus will vanquish all of his enemies, including death.

Have you heard those creepy stories about Mormons constantly baptising Anne Frank? Verse 29: Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? sure makes it sound like the early christians did it, too. 

Another question: Why do christians risk their lives every day? For preaching the gospel. Also, Paul claims to have fought wild beasts in Ephesus, so why can't we hear that story? Then he says something that I did not know was biblical: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we die (v. 32).

Next we're told that evil makes us rude. Then another question: how are the dead raised? and whose body are they using? But Paul has a very biologically sound answer for us: seeds are dead, and we don't know what they'll grow up as, because god decides. Also, there are three kinds of flesh: animal, human and fish. Creationists have a field day with that one. Anyway, human bodies that die and are resurrected as spiritual bodies are uncorrupted. Somehow, this means that Adam gave us flesh but Christ will give us spiritual bodies and we'll all look like him.

A few words about heaven: you can't go there alive, but you won't die, you'll just change.

Chapter 16

A bit about church collections for the poor: save some each week so that Paul doesn't have to gather it when he arrives. He'll send their approved messengers to Jerusalem with the money. He might also go back with them, his plans are flexible.

He'll also go to Macedonia, but he'll spend winter in Corinth, at the very least. Then he might go to Ephesus for spring, just in case there's some animal wrestling to be done.

Timothy might come instead of Paul, so they shouldn't hurt him. Paul wanted Apollos to come, but he couldn't fit it into his calendar. He promises to come later. Some advice: be faithful and loving. He thanks his helpers, sends out some props, and signs off.

1 Corinthians, Chapters 11 & 12: Was Jesus' long hair shameful?

Chapter 11

Paul informs us that we should follow his teachings. Then he teaches us the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man (v. 3). Which only works so long as your man isn't a serial killer, or a drug addict, or a politician. Then you're on your own, ladies. Next we're told that men shouldn't cover their heads in church, but women should, because otherwise it's the same as being shaved. Women can work around this by cutting their hair, but it's shameful. The reasoning for all this is a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. (v. 7) Gross. Also, men don't need women, but women need men, and women were created for men. However, we're not independent as women are still needed for their reproductive function. 

Some rhetorical questions about tonsorial fashion: first, do we think it's appropriate for uncovered women to pray in public? Second, is long hair on a dude shameful? I guess he's never seen a picture of Jesus Third, doesn't long hair make a woman attractive? If you don't like those rules, tough luck for you, it's tradition and Paul is sticking to it. 

After 17 verses, Paul gets off the subject of hair and moves on to church gossip. This congregation hasn't been getting along so well, and their communal eating has become a mockery, with no one sharing and some going home hungry while others just come for a piss-up. He reminds them about Jesus' instructions to eat his body and drink his blood, and tells them anyone who partakes of the sacrament but isn't worthy is sinning and is going to hell. That's why some of them have got sick and died. Not because they lacked antibiotics or proper sanitation, no. Finally, if you're really hungry, eat at home, because you should share at church.

Chapter 12

Paul now wants to talk to us about what powers the holy spirit can and cannot imbue us with, because this congregation was full of pagans until recently, so they may not know all the ins and outs quite properly yet. 

First, the holy spirit would never, ever, make anyone under its influence curse Jesus, but nor would it make them say he's the lord. 

It does bring other gifts, and requires other services, and god has different ways of working through all of us. We all have a gift, which contributes to the common good. One may be wise, another may have special knowledge, though again, not of epidemiology or sanitation engineering. Some people are faithful, which doesn't seem like much of a gift, and others have healing powers, though not in any useful form. Other people can do miracles, while some can prophesy. Others can talk to the spirit world, while still others can speak in tongues and others can interpret what they say. This is because we're all one body and god has given us gifts that compliment each other and are needed in the church. He promises to show us a most excellent way of living in his next chapter.   

1 Corinthians, Chapters 9 & 10: Paul is a 47 percenter

Chapter 9

Paul reminds us that he was an apostle and in a nifty bit of historical revisionism, saw Jesus.  I suppose it's possible, given that their lives overlapped. Then he argues that he and Barnabas shouldn't have to work, given that soldiers don't start wars and people eat the things they grow. Clearly, they're Democrats. After all, Mosaic law specifies that you have to feed your oxen, so the congregation should feed him. Also, temple workers get fed by their temples. Except that Paul isn't a Jew anymore, so why that rule applies is beyond me. I mean, you're in or out, no cherry-picking the bits you like.

Oh, but Paul isn't writing to assert any of these entitlements. He's doing it because he must. He admits that he fakes being a member of whatever community he's living in, to the point where he'll follow Jewish law if he's in a Jewish neighbourhood, or he'll act like a gentile when he's among them. But it's all for a good cause, so it's fine.

Chapter 10

Paul dwells on Moses for a bit, reminding his audience about Moses parting the Red Sea, but how most of them displeased god, so he punished them, to the tune of 23 000 deaths in a single day. So no fornicating, because the end is nigh.

He reminds us not to be tempted, and to take communion, because it makes them all one flesh. This is not to say that all sacrifices are to real gods, no sir. When gentiles make sacrifices, it's to the devil. So you need to choose: in our out. Just like Paul himself, when he says he should be paid just like a Jewish temple worker. He tells us that anything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial, and we should think about others.

You can eat anything the butcher sells, and eat everything that's put on your plate, even brussels sprouts, but try not to offend others with your cooking.

1 Corinthians, Chapters 7 & 8: Biblical marriage rules

Chapter 7

Paul informs us that it's better not to have sex at all, but if you must, for god's sake don't fornicate and stay heterosexually monogamous. Also, you have to have sex unless it's prayer time, but then you have to do it again right away lest Satan tempt you. Amazingly, you can still choose the position yourself.

He would actually prefer it if we were all celibate like him, especially widows. But he realises it's quite hard to do, and after all, it is better to marry than to burn (v. 9).

On to divorce: women can leave their husbands, but if one does, she can't remarry anyone except the original version. And yet, no one is calling for us to enforce this particular bit of biblically-mandated claptrap, even though it's in the same chapter that would seem to preclude gay marriage or sister wives. 

Mixed marriages: they're fine. The resulting spawn are christians. However, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, NBD. 

Be content with your lot in life. Don't get uncircumcised if you are (Yes, it's a thing) and don't get circumcised if you aren't. If you're a slave, don't sweat it, but take your freedom if it comes available. Unbelievably, this will still be a thing in 2012 that multiple candidates for office will still be saying. 

Virgins: god hasn't said much, but Paul has an opinion, which is that it is a good thing to be. If you're married, fine, stay that way, but if you aren't, stay that way, too. If you must, it's fine, but it will cause you a lot of heartache in life. Also, the world is ending soon. 

Finally, he get's down to the brass tacks: being married makes you think of worldly things, like how to please your spouse, but staying single means you can focus on god. Hah! If a woman is getting on in years, it's fine to marry her, but better not to. And if her husband dies, she can't remarry anyone except a fellow christian. 

Chapter 8

Knowledge is bad, charity is good. If you think you know something, you don't. If you love god, he'll love you. It's fine to eat animals sacrificed to other gods, but try not to do it in front of people of weak faith lest they sin. Being a vegetarian is also fine.  

1 Corinthians, Chapters 5 & 6: Sex-obsessed

Chapter 5

Things take a sharp turn for the quasi-incestuous as Paul addresses rumours of fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife. (v. 1) Not only that, according to Paul, they're proud to have a dude who banged one of his stepmothers amongst them. Naturally, he advises removing the creep so Satan can deal with him, because this kind of thing has a way of spreading. 

Other people to avoid: regular fornicators, the covetous, extortioners, idolators, slanderers or drunkards. Fun people, in other words. You can't even eat with them, just leave them for god to judge.

Chapter 6

Don't take other believers to court, because some day believers will take over the world and then they'll have to administer it for themselves, so they might as well start learning now. Eventually, they'll even have the power to judge angels. He advises finding someone smart among the congregation and setting him up as the judge rather than turning to a court of non-believers. 

Next, he lists all the people who won't be going to heaven: fornicators, idolators, adulterers, male prostitutes (though possibly just masturbators), homosexuals, thieves, greedy people, haters or swindlers. So basically, nobody's going to heaven. Apparently, some of them used to be some or all of those things. Paul admits that everything is permissible, but not everything is good for you. For once I agree with him, but that agreement is tempered by the fact that three verses ago he barred the entire LGTBQ community from heaven. 

Even though one could argue that the flesh is made for sex, and sex for the flesh, Paul urges us to keep it in our pants, because our bodies are for god. So no visiting prostitutes, because that would be polluting Christ's flesh. 

Did you know that if you have sex with a prostitute, you become one flesh? I knew that. I think Paul's a prude. He'd rather be one spirit (v. 17) with god. 

Paul still isn't done obsessing about what you do in your bedroom. He instructs us to flee fornication, because it's a crime against your own body, while all the other sins are external. Also, your body is a temple for the holy spirit, and god bought you, so keep things in good shape for him. 

1 Corinthians, Chapters 3 & 4: Paul gets kinky

Chapter 3

Paul informs the congregation that he can't address them as adults spiritual people, but rather as flesh-and-blood people, or babies. He keeps going with the infant metaphor, telling them he had to feed them milk rather than solid food. Even now, they're not quite ready for pablum, because they're fighting too much about whether Paul or Apollos should be their spiritual guru. As for Paul, he insists he only planted the seeds, which Apollos watered, but god was the sunlight that caused the plants to grow.

He then starts with a building metaphor, saying each person helps build the structure, and at the judgement day, god will figure out how much they've contributed by huffing and puffing and blowing the house down. If it's still standing, like the third little pig's, the wolf won't eat you.

A couple of rules: if you deface the temple, John Cleese will come along and torture you into proper conjugation of your Latin verbs. Also, in order to be truly wise, you'll need to become a fool, because god is ever so much smarter than you. Finally, no glorying in human intellect or achievement.

Chapter 4

Paul instructs the congregation to view Apollos and him as explainers of god's mysteries. He admits that a preacher must be trustworthy, but says none of them are qualified to do it, which is mighty convenient. No, only god knows whether he's a good guy or not. He asks them again to stop fighting over who their true spiritual leader ought to be, and to stop acting like they're already in heaven. As for Paul and Apollos, well, they're naked, hungry, starving, homeless, cursed and persecuted which must have made them very convincing. Certainly it has the effect of convincing them.

He's saying all this not to shame them, but to warn them that though they may have many instructors, they have only a couple of fathers, and he urges them to follow him. He says he's sending Timothy to them, but promises to try to get god to send him personally so he can find out who's behind the rumours and whether they're really holy. He then asks shall I come unto you with a rod, or in love, and in the spirit of meekness? (v. 21) A rod, man, always a rod.

1 Corinthians, Chapters 1 & 2: Intellectual midgets

Chapter 1

Paul writes a letter to a congregation in, duh, Corinth, to tell them how to prepare for the End Times, which are, of course, coming right up. First, they all need to be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. (v. 10) because he's heard they've been fighting about whether Paul, Apollos, Cephas (Who was Simon Peter, then just Peter and has now taken on a third fucking name) or Christ himself. Paul points out that he wasn't crucified, nor does he baptize people in his own name. In fact, he shouldn't even baptize, since really he's only here to preach, but he has done it for a few powerful donors friends, most of whom shall remain anonymous. 

If you think the story about the cross is a bunch of baloney, you're doomed, because as god said, he's going to destroy the smart people. You know who else did that? Pol Pot. I feel this is an acceptable violation of Godwin's Law because in the grand discussion of crazy 20th-century dictators, Pol Pot does not come up nearly enough. He has an extremely complex argument for this: god's wisdom makes us look like intellectual midgets, but he did allow us to get saved through foolish human preaching.

Stereotyping time! Jews want to know their Messiah through miracles, the Greeks insist on wisdom. So when you tell them that Jesus was crucified, both think it's bunkum. He next admits that god can be both foolish and weak, but he's still smarter and stronger than any human. 

Paul reminds the congregation of how they were before they got saved: not educated, powerful or noble, but they were chosen by god to overturn the power structure. 

Chapter 2 

When Paul first came to Corinth, he was a poor speaker and sort of dumb and weak, nervous and shaking, because he had resolved to forget everything except Jesus.  He didn't rely on rhetoric to convert them, but on parlour tricks miracles. He admits that he speaks with wisdom sometimes, but not earthly wisdom, because our leaders are so quickly forgotten. Of course if our leaders had any wisdom, they wouldn't have crucified Jesus. 

Paul goes on for weeks and weeks about divine wisdom versus silly human wisdom before finally concluding that only spiritual people can understand what the spirit means. They are also capable of judging all things, but should not be judged in return, because he has the mind of Christ.