Proverbs, Chapter 28

Wicked people are like cats, fleeing even when no one's chasing them. Righteous people, on the other hand, stand firm in the face of danger. But which one is more likely to live to see another day?

Countries should have good leaders, otherwise they'll be unstable. Kind of like when Solomon succeeded the throne after his eldest brother raped one of his sisters, then his fourth brother killed the oldest one, and then his mother banded together with Nathan the prophet to have him declared king, and then his son was so inept the country got split in half. Just your average royal family, really. Also, bad rulers are like roaring lions or raging bears.

Religious people understand everything. So very many things wrong with that statement. No usury. Be afraid of god. Stupid people turn into oppressors. God, it's like religious politicians don't even read this book.

Don't be partial. People who try to get rich quick have evil eyes. Criticism apparently wins more respect than flattery. Not for me. I am completely open to flattery and would prefer never to be criticised. Trusting god makes you fat, as anyone who has ever gone to a megachurch can attest. Trusting your own judgement is foolish. So is trusting Jerry Falwell.

2 Samuel, Chapter 12

Nathan the prophet comes to David with the news about two men who live in the town: one rich, one poor. The poor man had a lamb that he raised as one of his own children, not unlike many pet owners today. A traveller came to town recently and stayed with the rich man, who, rather than feeding him one of his own flock, killed the poor man's lamb.

David, clearly not a Republican, is incensed, and orders the poor man's flock restored fourfold. But wait! It's a parable! Nathan points out that David is the rich man, because of this whole Bathsheba incident. His punishment will be to have his wives taken away and given to his neighbour, who will then publicly consummate the marriages.

David is contrite, but Nathan says god has already forgiven him, but his son is going to die. Well, that seems fair. Lo and behold, the boy Bathsheba was pregnant with in the last chapter is sickly and no amount of praying and fasting can save it. It dies after a week.

David gets up then and washes, prays and takes food again. David points out that now that the kid is dead, there's no point hastening his own demise. He even starts having sex with Bathsheba again, resulting in Solomon. God loves this baby and calls him Jedediah.

Meanwhile, Joab is still fighting the Ammonites and trying to conquer Rabbah. David goes to his assistance. Upon winning, he takes the king's heavy crown and the rest of the spoils. Depending which translation you believe, he then either has the people tortured or enslaved.

Next chapter: sibling rape goes wrong.

2 Samuel, Chapter 11

David has sent his men off to war while he rests up in Jerusalem. One evening, David takes a walk on his roof and happens to look down and see a hot chick bathing. That's so damned clichéd. He asks around and finds out her name is Bathsheba and she's married to Uriah the Hittite.

Because he gets off on cuckolding other men, David sends for her and sleeps with her, then sends her home. Of course she gets pregnant and tells him about it. Probably not wanting to take responsibility, he recalls Uriah from the front, and tells him to Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet (v. 8), which, just so we're clear, is code for: fuck your wife and we'll just call it yours. He even sends along some meat to get them in the mood. Uh, try chocolate and strawberries. But Uriah is either stupid or gay, and he camps outside the castle. David hears and goes down to encourage him to go home, but Uriah babbles some bullshit about how the ark and the army and all sleep in tents, so why should he get to go home to walls and comfy sheets and a wife? Anyone else's gaydar just spiking off the charts, here?

Uriah hangs around for two days, until a desperate David gets him drunk, but he still refuses to go home to his wife. Nope, instead he takes to his bed with some of David's servants for a big gay orgy.

David gives up and sends him back to the front with a letter for Joab, his general, instructing him to put Uriah into battle and get him killed. So Uriah goes and is killed. Joab sends word to David. Bathsheba also hears and goes into mourning. The minute she casts off her widow's weeds, of course, David marries here, but we are warned ominously that god is nevertheless displeased.