The History of Susanna and threesomes

Another story that was rejected from the book of Daniel for not being in Hebrew. A rich Babylonian man named Joacim marries a pretty woman named Susanna whose parents had raised her as Jewish. The Jews like this Joacim because he deals fairly with them.

The same year as the wedding, two men are appointed as judges. They spend a lot of time hanging at Joacim's place with the rest of the court. One day, everyone but the judges leaves around noon, and Susanna takes a turn around the garden. The judges are inflamed by lust for this hot young Jewess, and they feel so ashamed they can't even admit it to each other. Still, they come back day after day for the show. Finally, one says to the other that they should go home for lunch, and the other agrees, but they both circle around and try to sneak back in. When they meet again at the gate, they both admit to being in love with Susanna. They agree on a time to tell her how much they love her together.

On the appointed day, Susanna comes out to the garden as usual, but this time it's hot and she wants to take a bath. The men hide and watch. She sends her maids out on some errand and the two horndogs approach and ask her for a threesome. They point out that there are no witnesses and if she doesn't agree, they'll tell everyone she has a lover. Susanna sighs that she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, but she'd really rather not have sex with a couple of olds, so she refuses. Everybody starts screaming and the slaves come running out and the old farts blab their false story about Susanna's fake lover.

The next day, some people are hanging out at Joacim's and the two troublemakers show up. They send for Susanna, who shows up with her entire clan, wearing a demure veil. They demand that she take off the veil, so she does, and she's so hot that everyone starts crying. The two old coots put their hands on her head and tell the baldfaced lie that they saw her with a lover the day before. No one asks why two perverts were hanging around in someone else's garden spying on his hot wife and her lover. Rather, they buy the story hook, line and sinker and condemn Susanna to death.

Susanna cries out to god, who actually listens, and sends down Daniel, who calls the crowd a bunch of assholes and points out the two codgers were lying. He separates them and asks them which tree the alleged assignation took place. And of course they say two different things, so the crowd cuts them in half. And Susanna's husband forgives her and they all lived happily ever after the servants cleaned the blood up.