According to David Plotz, this section roughly follows the plot of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, a film I have seen, but not since childhood.
Chapter 4
The Philistines attack and the Israelites are defeated, losing 4000 men. They lament to god and decide the key to victory is to bring the ark of the covenant to them. Eli's sons receive the ark, and the Israelites cheer so loudly the ground shakes. The Philistines hear it, and are afraid, but resolve to fight rather than become slaves.
They fight again, and this time 30 000 Israelite foot soldiers are killed, the ark of the covenant is taken, and Eli's two sons die.
A Benjaminite comes out of the battle. Eli is sitting by the side of the road, 98 years old, blind and in ill health. He asks for an update. The Benjaminite informs him of his sons' deaths and he falls off his seat and breaks his neck. Phineas' pregnant wife also hears the story and goes into labour, then dies, but not before naming her son Ichabod, which means 'the glory of Israel is departed.' How.. auspicious.
Chapter 5
The Philistines put the captured ark in a temple of their god Dagon. In the morning, the statue of Dagon has fallen over. They right it, and the following morning, the statue has fallen over, and the head and arms have snapped off. After that, the Philistines refuse to enter the temple. Nevertheless, god isn't finished smiting them and sends along a nasty case of hemorrhoids. They decide the ark is the cause, but don't know what to do with it. While they're carrying it around, the hemorrhoid epidemic spreads.
Chapter 6
The Philistines hold onto the ark for seven months. They ask their priests what to do about the damned thing, and they recommend returning it, along with a trespass offering of five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice.
They decide to send the offerings in an ox cart, and decide that whatever happens will be a sign: they'll let the cows go free, and if they go towards Bethshemesh, god is responsible for the piles, if they go another direction, it was chance. Of course the cows go for Bethshemeth, where the people are harvesting. They see the ark and run out to meet it, and use the wood from the cart to build a sacrificial fire for the cows.
Of course, all does not end happily for the Bethsehmites, because they look inside the ark, and 50 070 of them are killed for their sin. They immediately start looking for another town to fob it off onto.
Chapter 7
The people of Kirjathjearim keep the ark for 20 years. The people of Shiloh kinda start to miss the crazy old box that killed 50 070 of them. Samuel tells them they can have it back if they open their hearts to god, so they throw away all their idols. Samuel then says he'll pray for them. The Philistines hear about this and attack. The Israelites ask Samuel to stop that too, so he sacrifices a lamb, which causes god to thunder, which scares the Philistines and allows the Israelites to smite them. The Philistines retreat, and the Israelites chase them to a place between Mizpeh and Shen, where Samuel erects a monument.
God continues to protect the Israelites from the Philistines, and restores all their cities to them, and Samuel is made judge.
Showing posts with label Eli. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eli. Show all posts
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapters 2 & 3
Chapter 2
Hannah sings a hymn of praise to god, including the lyric The lord killeth (v. 6), showing she knows exactly who she's complimenting here. We also find out, in verse 8, that the world is set upon pillars. Personally, I always liked the one where a woman falls out of the sky and lands on a turtle's back, but whatever floats your boat.
When she finishes singing, she goes home and leaves her son behind with Eli's two sons, who are corrupt. First of all, they keep the meat from the sacrifices for themselves. Samuel, on the other hand, is a good boy. Coincidentally, he's supposed to be the author of this book. Self-serving much?
Hannah comes back to visit with new clothes every year, and in time she has another five children. Eli's sons take to having sex with the women who gather outside the temple. Their father reproaches them, but they don't listen because god has already decided to kill them. You know, if I was in the same situation, I'd do exactly what they're doing. I'd make a terrible Calvinist.
Next, a man of god (whom Jerry of course thinks is Jesus) comes along and rebukes Eli, accusing him of spoiling his sons and informs him that all the members of his family will die before their time and the rest will be cursed. He'll start with killing the two sons on the same day as a sign, and he'll put an honest priest in their place. Gee, do you think the 'honest priest' will be Samuel?
Chapter 3
Oh gosh, look at that! Samuel is ministering to the people, but god doesn't have much to say. Much as he hasn't since his book was published. Eli is getting old, and one night a voice calls out to the sleeping Samuel. He assumes it's Eli, so he runs out to see what he wants. On the third try, Eli figures out it's god talking. And what is god so eager to tell Samuel? Why, that he's going to punish Eli, of course! For his sons' sins! And then all the generations of his family after that. What was that about god being just and merciful?
The next day, Samuel is reluctant to share the heavenly threats with Eli, but Eli presses. Eli accepts his punishment without complaint. Samuel grows up and eventually god speaks to him again. The chapter ends on that dramatic note, as the bible finally learns about suspenseful buildup.
Hannah sings a hymn of praise to god, including the lyric The lord killeth (v. 6), showing she knows exactly who she's complimenting here. We also find out, in verse 8, that the world is set upon pillars. Personally, I always liked the one where a woman falls out of the sky and lands on a turtle's back, but whatever floats your boat.
When she finishes singing, she goes home and leaves her son behind with Eli's two sons, who are corrupt. First of all, they keep the meat from the sacrifices for themselves. Samuel, on the other hand, is a good boy. Coincidentally, he's supposed to be the author of this book. Self-serving much?
Hannah comes back to visit with new clothes every year, and in time she has another five children. Eli's sons take to having sex with the women who gather outside the temple. Their father reproaches them, but they don't listen because god has already decided to kill them. You know, if I was in the same situation, I'd do exactly what they're doing. I'd make a terrible Calvinist.
Next, a man of god (whom Jerry of course thinks is Jesus) comes along and rebukes Eli, accusing him of spoiling his sons and informs him that all the members of his family will die before their time and the rest will be cursed. He'll start with killing the two sons on the same day as a sign, and he'll put an honest priest in their place. Gee, do you think the 'honest priest' will be Samuel?
Chapter 3
Oh gosh, look at that! Samuel is ministering to the people, but god doesn't have much to say. Much as he hasn't since his book was published. Eli is getting old, and one night a voice calls out to the sleeping Samuel. He assumes it's Eli, so he runs out to see what he wants. On the third try, Eli figures out it's god talking. And what is god so eager to tell Samuel? Why, that he's going to punish Eli, of course! For his sons' sins! And then all the generations of his family after that. What was that about god being just and merciful?
The next day, Samuel is reluctant to share the heavenly threats with Eli, but Eli presses. Eli accepts his punishment without complaint. Samuel grows up and eventually god speaks to him again. The chapter ends on that dramatic note, as the bible finally learns about suspenseful buildup.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
1 Samuel, Chapter 1
Samuel's father Elkanah has two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah has children, but even though Elkanah loves her more, Hannah is barren because of some divine pique or another. They take a yearly vacation to Shiloh to sacrifice, where Peninnah is nasty to Hannah about her lack of children. This always makes Hannah cry, and then she refuses to eat. Doesn't polygamy sound great?
Elkanah always tries to comfort her, but it's no use. One time, Hannah goes back to the temple after lunch to pray. She promises god that if he gives her a son, she'll raise him as a Nazarite, like Samson was. Will she also raise him with S&M fetishes and genocidal tendencies?
Eli the priest comes in and notices Hannah sitting there, but because she isn't speaking, only her lips are moving, he assumes she's drunk. He tells her to put the wine down and leave. I'm sure that happens now, but then? Really? Anyway, she says she isn't drunk, just sorrowful. He tells her to leave in peace and that god will surely grant her whatever she asked. Cheered, Hannah leaves and has some lunch.
In the morning, the family rises and prays, then goes home. Once there, Elkanah fucks his wife and she finally gets pregnant with Samuel.
The following year, Hannah doesn't go on the sacrificing holiday, saying she doesn't want to present Samuel to god until he's weaned, and possibly because it's the lamest family trip ever.
When he is weaned, she gathers some sacrificial material together and goes to the temple for her own ritual. She presents the child to Eli the priest.
Elkanah always tries to comfort her, but it's no use. One time, Hannah goes back to the temple after lunch to pray. She promises god that if he gives her a son, she'll raise him as a Nazarite, like Samson was. Will she also raise him with S&M fetishes and genocidal tendencies?
Eli the priest comes in and notices Hannah sitting there, but because she isn't speaking, only her lips are moving, he assumes she's drunk. He tells her to put the wine down and leave. I'm sure that happens now, but then? Really? Anyway, she says she isn't drunk, just sorrowful. He tells her to leave in peace and that god will surely grant her whatever she asked. Cheered, Hannah leaves and has some lunch.
In the morning, the family rises and prays, then goes home. Once there, Elkanah fucks his wife and she finally gets pregnant with Samuel.
The following year, Hannah doesn't go on the sacrificing holiday, saying she doesn't want to present Samuel to god until he's weaned, and possibly because it's the lamest family trip ever.
When he is weaned, she gathers some sacrificial material together and goes to the temple for her own ritual. She presents the child to Eli the priest.
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