Chapter 47
Joseph introduces his brother to Pharaoh, who, just as predicted, asks them what they do, and they tell him they are shepherds. They ask to graze their flocks in Goshen because the famine is bad in Canaan. Pharaoh tells Joseph to give them Goshen, and they can even herd his cattle.
Joseph presents Israel as well, though in this chapter they're calling him Jacob again. Pharaoh asks how old he is, and he says 130 tumultuous years, unlike his ancestors, who had calm lives of up to 950 years. Then he blesses Pharaoh.
Joseph gives his brothers and father land in Ramses. Jerry flops around trying to explain this contradiction, since according to him, this is the real-time history of the world, and it should only be about 2500 BC, but the Ramses dynasty didn't start until 1319 BC. He says it's an anachronism, a modernization, a mistranslation, anything but the truth, that this isn't a very accurate book.
Anyway, he gives his family bread, but soon there is no bread and people are starting to die. Joseph gathers all the money he made selling corn to everyone and brings it to Pharaoh. What good is that going to do? It's like that movie recently where the world was going to end, but there was a spaceship that you could buy a ticket on for one billion dollars. What good was it going to do to have a bunch of Russian oligarchs in space? Besides better-quality vodka, I mean.
Sorry, I keep getting side-tracked. There's no money, because Joseph gave it all to Pharaoh. People come to Joseph and ask for bread, and right here Joseph becomes Chairman Mao. Rather than being charitable, he says he'll give them bread for their livestock. He does, but a year later they're back, and this time he takes their land and labour. So you see, now they're serfs. Then he orders them off the land and into the cities. So Joseph and Pharaoh now have control of the currency, the capital (livestock), the land, and the labour. They have complete control over anything that happens in the country. Is this what Jerry aspires to? Geez, no wonder the Pharaohs thought they were gods. The only people whose land he doesn't have is the priests, who have a contract.
Joseph lords it over everybody, saying he owns them and handing out seeds to them. He explains that they are now sharecroppers and will have to give 20% to Pharaoh. The people, mistaking power for morality, thank him and agree to the deal, because hey, he could have said 50%, right?
Israel, of course, is thriving. He lives there for another 17 years, until he's 147 and near death. He calls Joseph to him and makes him swear on his testicles not to bury him in Egypt.
Chapter 48
Israel's death scene redux. This time, Joseph brings his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Israel tells him the story of god appearing to him at Luz. He tells his son that Manasseh and Ephraim are his now, but that Joseph can keep any he has after this. I hope the Moral Majority is taking note here of what traditional family life entails: giving your kids to your parents on a whim.
Then the story gets even more confusing, because Israel suddenly asks Joseph who those two kids are. Is he senile here? Anyway, Joseph says they're his kids. Israel says to bring them, and he'll bless them. Israel is going blind, so he can't see them as he hugs and kisses them. Joseph holds Ephraim's hand in his right hand, and Manasseh's in his left and presents them to his father, and puts Manasseh's hand in his father's right hand. Israel reaches out and puts his right hand on Ephraim's head, and his left on Manasseh's head, even though Manasseh is the first born. He blesses Joseph and the boys.
Joseph notices that his father's right hand is on Ephraim's head, and is displeased. He tries to move it onto Manasseh's head instead, explaining which is the first born. Israel says he knows it, but Ephraim's going to be more important, so that's the one who gets the better blessing, because Israel hasn't learned anything from his own history. He tells Joseph he's getting an extra portion in his inheritance.
Chapter 49
Israel, still refusing to die, predicts the future for his sons. Jerry has nothing to say about fortune-telling, though I have no doubt that anyone outside the messianic line who does it is not allowed into the Moral Majority or Liberty U. He tells Reuben he won't excel in life because of his early sex with his mother. How's that for a late fuck you from your dear old dad? He basically calls Simeon and Levi psychotic serial killers, which they are, and curses them. He praises Judah for his loyalty and says the others have to worship him now. He blesses him with wine and milk. Zebulun, whom we haven't heard much about, will live by the sea and make a harbour. Issachar will be a good worker. Dan will be a treacherous judge. Gad will be invaded, but will win at the end. Asher will be a baker. Naphtali will be pretty and speaks well. Joseph will have lots of kids and good land. Benjamin will be a plunderer. He asks to be buried in the cave Abraham bought, and he finally dies. In Egypt. Despite what god promised him before. Apparently, this is an accurate description of the state the Israelite tribes were in at the time: the Simeonites and Levites were a mess, Judahs tribe was strong.
Chapter 50
Joseph mourns and orders his father embalmed. He mourns the requisite 70 days it takes a body to mummify (but he's not a pagan!) and asks the Pharaoh to release him so he can take his father to Canaan. Pharaoh says no problem. They all go, and stop in Atad and mourn again for seven days. The people see this and change the name of the place. They contine on and bury him in Machpelah.
When Joseph goes back, his brothers worry he might hate them. They send him a message supposedly written by their father before his death saying to forgive them. Joseph cries, like he does every other verse. They all fall down before him and agree to be his servants. He explains that what they thought was evil was in fact good, and saved a lot of people. Who are now sharecroppers rather than landowners.
Anyway, Joseph promises to take care of them. Joseph lives to 110, and he meets his great-great-grandchildren by Ephraim, and also one of Manasseh's kids sticks around. Joseph has a much shorter death scene than his father, saying only I die, and god will visit you and send you back to Canaan. He asks them to take his body to Canaan, but he's buried in Egypt.
Showing posts with label Genesis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Genesis. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Genesis, Chapter 46
Israel sets off for Egypt. On his way, he stops to make sacrifices at the altar his father built, apparently because he remembers how much trouble Abraham caused there with his 'she's my sister' routine, and how Isaac wasn't even allowed to go. God calls him, and calls him Jacob, despite changing his name. He tells him to go to Egypt and he'll make a great nation there, and he'll return him to Canaan safely. Reassured, they all leave.
We get a packing list of every man who comes with him, along with two girls, Dinah and Sereh, daughter of Asher, son of one of his slaves. He needs a packing list, because there are 70 people in total. He sends Judah on ahead to scout out Goshen.
Joseph comes out to Goshen and hugs his father and Israel's response is now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive. (v 30) like, don't you want to catch up a little? Also, didn't god just promise to bring him back to Canaan?
Joseph tells his brothers he's going to get Pharaoh so he can introduce them all, so clearly Israel's desire to die is just histrionics and they're all used to it. He tells them he's going to tell Pharaoh they're shepherds and then Pharaoh is going to ask them about it, and they should be honest, even though the Egyptians think shepherding is an abomination. Oh, aren't cultural differences fun!
We get a packing list of every man who comes with him, along with two girls, Dinah and Sereh, daughter of Asher, son of one of his slaves. He needs a packing list, because there are 70 people in total. He sends Judah on ahead to scout out Goshen.
Joseph comes out to Goshen and hugs his father and Israel's response is now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive. (v 30) like, don't you want to catch up a little? Also, didn't god just promise to bring him back to Canaan?
Joseph tells his brothers he's going to get Pharaoh so he can introduce them all, so clearly Israel's desire to die is just histrionics and they're all used to it. He tells them he's going to tell Pharaoh they're shepherds and then Pharaoh is going to ask them about it, and they should be honest, even though the Egyptians think shepherding is an abomination. Oh, aren't cultural differences fun!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Genesis Chapters 42-45
Chapter 42
Israel/Jacob hears there is corn in Europe and he tells his sons to stop twiddling their thumbs and get down their and buy some. He keeps the youngest, Benjamin with him, but the other 10 go.
Joseph is still governor and his brothers kneel before him, because apparently money isn't enough anymore for our lovable egomaniac, he also needs worship. He recognizes them and is rude to them, but they don't recognize him, just like Shakespeare! Joseph also remembers his dreams, where the grain and the stars paid homage to him. He's not ready to forgive quite yet, though so he accuses them of spying. They go back and forth a bit, but Joseph has the last word and tells them they can't leave unless they agree to go get Benjamin. To ensure they come back, they'll have to leave one there. He keeps them all in prison for three days, where they admit their guilt over what they did to Joseph. Reuben, of course has to get an 'I told you so!' in. Joseph is listening to all of this. He cries, but still keeps Simeon back.
He fills their sacks with corn and secretly refunds the money they paid. They find it at the inn they stop at for the night. They take it as a bad omen from god.
They get home and tell their father what happened. Israel is reluctant to part with Benjamin, but Reuben says he can kill his sons if they don't bring him back. That sounds very satisfying: kill two grandsons, who are quite possibly your concubine's children, in exchange for your own son. Is this what the Moral Majority, brainchild of Jerry, thinks of when it lobbies for 'a traditional vision of family life'? Unfortunately it fails to convince Israel.
Chapter 43
The famine gets worse, and Israel asks his sons to go back to Egypt and get more grain. They remind him that they can't unless they bring Benjamin. He whines that they shouldn't have said anything about their remaining brother, but they insist that the disguised Joseph asked them if their father was alive and if they had any other brothers, and they were honest and didn't know what his demand would be.
Judah steps forward and says that Israel can also have his kids as insurance and points out that in the time they've spent arguing, they could have gone and come back. Israel finally yields and tells them to take along some presents, as well to double the money they're taking, because maybe the last time was just an oversight.
Joseph sees them and instructs his men to prepare a feast. They're afraid to go into Joseph's house, thinking he's going to enslave them. So they explain to his steward about the money, that it was still in the sacks when they got to the inn, which strikes me as dumb, because there's no way that's going to sound plausible.
The steward is more gullible than me, though, because he tells them not to worry, god restored their coffers, he still has the original coins. He brings Simeon out, and they go inside, wash their feet, take care of the donkeys, and get their presents out for Joseph.
They kneel before their brother again, who accepts the gifts and asks after their father. He sees his brother Benjamin, but is overwhelmed with emotion and has to run into his bedroom to cry. He composes himself and comes back. There's a little description of the eating arrangements: the brethren are in one room, Joseph in another, and the Egyptians in a third, because to eat bread with the Hebrews... that is an abomination unto the Egyptians (v. 32). The brothers are seated in birth order, and they fail to notice this, or that Benjamin gets five times as much as they do.
Chapter 44
Joseph loads his brothers up up with food, and the money yet again. He also tells his steward to put a silver cup into Benjamin's bag, because he isn't done fucking with them. He tells the steward to go after them and accuse them of stealing his divining cup. Jerry says the divining cup is a ridiculous notion of jiggery-pokery only practiced by the heathen Egyptians, because god just told the Israelites what was on his mind, and Joseph is only playing a role here. Heaven forbid a good Hebrew character be shown to believe in any pagan nonsense!
Anyway, the man does as he's told, and they're indignant, saying they have all this money, why would they want a stupid cup? They invite him to search their bags and if he finds it, he can kill that brother and enslave the rest. The steward says he only wants to enslave anyone found with the cup. They agree, and open their bags, and of course Benjamin has it. The brothers lament the loss of Benjamin, but reluctantly go back to Joseph
They fall to their knees in front of Joseph, who says of course he can divine. Judah asks him what he wants to hear, because they are righteous, it's obviously Joseph's servants' tomfoolery in action here. Joseph says they can leave Benjamin as his servant and go home. Judah asks to talk to him privately, and flatters him that he's as powerful as Pharaoh. He reminds him that he asked them about their exact family situation and that they didn't want to bring Benjamin but he insisted. Then their father was reluctant to send him, but they explained and the famine was bad, so he gave in. They appeal to his sympathy, saying Benjamin was their father's only remaining child from that mother, as Joseph is presumed dead, and this is going to kill their father, and he's also going to kill Judah, because he promised.
Chapter 45
Joseph sends everyone except his brothers away, then reveals his identity to them. He cries so loudly, the servants waiting in the hall can hear him. His brothers are wary. He tells them they don't have to worry, because god sent him ahead to save their lives and lineages. He explains how he's the Pharaoh's right-hand man. He tells them to go get their father, and he'll let them live in Goshen, and he'll feed them, because there are five years left on the famine.
He ends his soliloquy by hugging Benjamin and kissing the others. The word spreads around Egypt. Pharaoh gives Joseph his blessing to bring his father, which would seem like something you'd ask for beforehand, and promises them the best land and herds.
Joseph gives them provisions and clothing, and Benjamin gets 300 pieces of silver and 5 changes of clothes, because no on in Genesis ever learns not to play favourites. He sends gifts to his father and they leave with is blessing.
They go back to Israel and tell him their brother is still alive and he's the governor of Egypt. Israel faints. They tell him the story, and when he sees the gifts, he believes them and he agrees to go.
Israel/Jacob hears there is corn in Europe and he tells his sons to stop twiddling their thumbs and get down their and buy some. He keeps the youngest, Benjamin with him, but the other 10 go.
Joseph is still governor and his brothers kneel before him, because apparently money isn't enough anymore for our lovable egomaniac, he also needs worship. He recognizes them and is rude to them, but they don't recognize him, just like Shakespeare! Joseph also remembers his dreams, where the grain and the stars paid homage to him. He's not ready to forgive quite yet, though so he accuses them of spying. They go back and forth a bit, but Joseph has the last word and tells them they can't leave unless they agree to go get Benjamin. To ensure they come back, they'll have to leave one there. He keeps them all in prison for three days, where they admit their guilt over what they did to Joseph. Reuben, of course has to get an 'I told you so!' in. Joseph is listening to all of this. He cries, but still keeps Simeon back.
He fills their sacks with corn and secretly refunds the money they paid. They find it at the inn they stop at for the night. They take it as a bad omen from god.
They get home and tell their father what happened. Israel is reluctant to part with Benjamin, but Reuben says he can kill his sons if they don't bring him back. That sounds very satisfying: kill two grandsons, who are quite possibly your concubine's children, in exchange for your own son. Is this what the Moral Majority, brainchild of Jerry, thinks of when it lobbies for 'a traditional vision of family life'? Unfortunately it fails to convince Israel.
Chapter 43
The famine gets worse, and Israel asks his sons to go back to Egypt and get more grain. They remind him that they can't unless they bring Benjamin. He whines that they shouldn't have said anything about their remaining brother, but they insist that the disguised Joseph asked them if their father was alive and if they had any other brothers, and they were honest and didn't know what his demand would be.
Judah steps forward and says that Israel can also have his kids as insurance and points out that in the time they've spent arguing, they could have gone and come back. Israel finally yields and tells them to take along some presents, as well to double the money they're taking, because maybe the last time was just an oversight.
Joseph sees them and instructs his men to prepare a feast. They're afraid to go into Joseph's house, thinking he's going to enslave them. So they explain to his steward about the money, that it was still in the sacks when they got to the inn, which strikes me as dumb, because there's no way that's going to sound plausible.
The steward is more gullible than me, though, because he tells them not to worry, god restored their coffers, he still has the original coins. He brings Simeon out, and they go inside, wash their feet, take care of the donkeys, and get their presents out for Joseph.
They kneel before their brother again, who accepts the gifts and asks after their father. He sees his brother Benjamin, but is overwhelmed with emotion and has to run into his bedroom to cry. He composes himself and comes back. There's a little description of the eating arrangements: the brethren are in one room, Joseph in another, and the Egyptians in a third, because to eat bread with the Hebrews... that is an abomination unto the Egyptians (v. 32). The brothers are seated in birth order, and they fail to notice this, or that Benjamin gets five times as much as they do.
Chapter 44
Joseph loads his brothers up up with food, and the money yet again. He also tells his steward to put a silver cup into Benjamin's bag, because he isn't done fucking with them. He tells the steward to go after them and accuse them of stealing his divining cup. Jerry says the divining cup is a ridiculous notion of jiggery-pokery only practiced by the heathen Egyptians, because god just told the Israelites what was on his mind, and Joseph is only playing a role here. Heaven forbid a good Hebrew character be shown to believe in any pagan nonsense!
Anyway, the man does as he's told, and they're indignant, saying they have all this money, why would they want a stupid cup? They invite him to search their bags and if he finds it, he can kill that brother and enslave the rest. The steward says he only wants to enslave anyone found with the cup. They agree, and open their bags, and of course Benjamin has it. The brothers lament the loss of Benjamin, but reluctantly go back to Joseph
They fall to their knees in front of Joseph, who says of course he can divine. Judah asks him what he wants to hear, because they are righteous, it's obviously Joseph's servants' tomfoolery in action here. Joseph says they can leave Benjamin as his servant and go home. Judah asks to talk to him privately, and flatters him that he's as powerful as Pharaoh. He reminds him that he asked them about their exact family situation and that they didn't want to bring Benjamin but he insisted. Then their father was reluctant to send him, but they explained and the famine was bad, so he gave in. They appeal to his sympathy, saying Benjamin was their father's only remaining child from that mother, as Joseph is presumed dead, and this is going to kill their father, and he's also going to kill Judah, because he promised.
Chapter 45
Joseph sends everyone except his brothers away, then reveals his identity to them. He cries so loudly, the servants waiting in the hall can hear him. His brothers are wary. He tells them they don't have to worry, because god sent him ahead to save their lives and lineages. He explains how he's the Pharaoh's right-hand man. He tells them to go get their father, and he'll let them live in Goshen, and he'll feed them, because there are five years left on the famine.
He ends his soliloquy by hugging Benjamin and kissing the others. The word spreads around Egypt. Pharaoh gives Joseph his blessing to bring his father, which would seem like something you'd ask for beforehand, and promises them the best land and herds.
Joseph gives them provisions and clothing, and Benjamin gets 300 pieces of silver and 5 changes of clothes, because no on in Genesis ever learns not to play favourites. He sends gifts to his father and they leave with is blessing.
They go back to Israel and tell him their brother is still alive and he's the governor of Egypt. Israel faints. They tell him the story, and when he sees the gifts, he believes them and he agrees to go.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Genesis Chapters 40 & 41
Chapter 40
Joseph is still in prison when the Pharaoh's butler (who is apparently more like a wine steward) and baker are thrown in with him. The captain of the guard puts Joseph in charge of both of them.
One night, each of them has a dream which causes him to be sad. Joseph sees them in the morning and asks why their faces are so long. They explain about the dreams, and how they have no idea what they mean. Joseph has learned something in Egypt: people never want to hear about your dreams, but they are more than happy to tell you about their own, especially if they think you can interpret them. He asks about them.
The wine steward says he dreamed he was back at Pharaoh's house in the vineyard, standing in front of three banches heavy with grapes. He pressed the grapes right there and gave the juice to Pharaoh. Joseph says within three days, Pharoah will lift up thine head, and return thee unto thy place (v.13). He asks the steward to remember him when he's restored and get him out of prison.
The baker loves Joseph's interpretation, so he tells him about his dream: he was carrying three baskets on his head. There were some baked goods in the topmost one, but the birds ate them. Joseph's interpretation is less cheery: within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree; and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee (v.19).
It just so happens that three days hence is Pharaoh's birthday. He does indeed put the steward back in charge of the wine, and hang the baker. In a perfect example of gratitude being the shortest-lived emotion, the steward doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.
Chapter 41
It's two years later and Pharaoh dreams he's by the river when suddenly seven fat cows emerge and start grazing in a meadow. Then seven lean cows emerge and mingle with the first ones. The lean cows eat the fat cows, at which point Pharaoh awakes, no doubt in a cold sweat, worried about cannibalistic bovines and the risk of Creutzfeldt-Jakob now.
He then has a second dream: one stalk of corn produces 7 plump ears then seven thin ears. The thin ears devour the plump ears. He wakes up again, no doubt wondering what the hell is going on with his crops.
In the morning, he calls all the magicians and wise men of Egypt to him, and tells them about his dreams, but no one has any idea what they could mean, and Freud won't be born for another 5000 years or so. The wine steward finally remembers Joseph. Pharaoh sends for him and tells him what happened.
Joseph says that the seven fat cows and seven ears of corn represent seven years of plenty. The lean cows and thin corn represent seven years of famine. Now, I'm thinking the magicians and wise men all knew this too, but didn't want to take the risk of incurring Pharaoh's wrath. Fortunately, Pharaoh doesn't send him straight back to prison, but takes his advice: hire a man to save one-fifth of the harvest for the next seven years and store it for the famine. Pharaoh not only hires him, he makes him his second in command. He gives him a ring and nice clothes and other jewellery. He even gives him his own chariot. He gives him an Egyptian name, Zaphnath-paaneah, and a wife, Asenath.
Joseph goes out for the next seven years and does his job of storing food in the cities. He also finds time to father two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Then the good times come to an end.
The seven years of famine begin, and only Egypt has bread. The people come to Pharaoh for aid and he sends them on to Joseph. The famine is world-wide and Joseph sells the stuff he saved to all comers. No doubt at a steep premium. No mention is made of what happens to those who can't afford it, the only word used is sell.
So what exactly is the purpose of this famine? And has anyone else noticed that god was pretty crafty in his wording of his post-flood promise? He hasn't killed every living thing by drowning, it's true, but he has since rained down fire and brimstone and caused the crops to fail. But hey, we got rainbows!
Joseph is still in prison when the Pharaoh's butler (who is apparently more like a wine steward) and baker are thrown in with him. The captain of the guard puts Joseph in charge of both of them.
One night, each of them has a dream which causes him to be sad. Joseph sees them in the morning and asks why their faces are so long. They explain about the dreams, and how they have no idea what they mean. Joseph has learned something in Egypt: people never want to hear about your dreams, but they are more than happy to tell you about their own, especially if they think you can interpret them. He asks about them.
The wine steward says he dreamed he was back at Pharaoh's house in the vineyard, standing in front of three banches heavy with grapes. He pressed the grapes right there and gave the juice to Pharaoh. Joseph says within three days, Pharoah will lift up thine head, and return thee unto thy place (v.13). He asks the steward to remember him when he's restored and get him out of prison.
The baker loves Joseph's interpretation, so he tells him about his dream: he was carrying three baskets on his head. There were some baked goods in the topmost one, but the birds ate them. Joseph's interpretation is less cheery: within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree; and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee (v.19).
It just so happens that three days hence is Pharaoh's birthday. He does indeed put the steward back in charge of the wine, and hang the baker. In a perfect example of gratitude being the shortest-lived emotion, the steward doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.
Chapter 41
It's two years later and Pharaoh dreams he's by the river when suddenly seven fat cows emerge and start grazing in a meadow. Then seven lean cows emerge and mingle with the first ones. The lean cows eat the fat cows, at which point Pharaoh awakes, no doubt in a cold sweat, worried about cannibalistic bovines and the risk of Creutzfeldt-Jakob now.
He then has a second dream: one stalk of corn produces 7 plump ears then seven thin ears. The thin ears devour the plump ears. He wakes up again, no doubt wondering what the hell is going on with his crops.
In the morning, he calls all the magicians and wise men of Egypt to him, and tells them about his dreams, but no one has any idea what they could mean, and Freud won't be born for another 5000 years or so. The wine steward finally remembers Joseph. Pharaoh sends for him and tells him what happened.
Joseph says that the seven fat cows and seven ears of corn represent seven years of plenty. The lean cows and thin corn represent seven years of famine. Now, I'm thinking the magicians and wise men all knew this too, but didn't want to take the risk of incurring Pharaoh's wrath. Fortunately, Pharaoh doesn't send him straight back to prison, but takes his advice: hire a man to save one-fifth of the harvest for the next seven years and store it for the famine. Pharaoh not only hires him, he makes him his second in command. He gives him a ring and nice clothes and other jewellery. He even gives him his own chariot. He gives him an Egyptian name, Zaphnath-paaneah, and a wife, Asenath.
Joseph goes out for the next seven years and does his job of storing food in the cities. He also finds time to father two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Then the good times come to an end.
The seven years of famine begin, and only Egypt has bread. The people come to Pharaoh for aid and he sends them on to Joseph. The famine is world-wide and Joseph sells the stuff he saved to all comers. No doubt at a steep premium. No mention is made of what happens to those who can't afford it, the only word used is sell.
So what exactly is the purpose of this famine? And has anyone else noticed that god was pretty crafty in his wording of his post-flood promise? He hasn't killed every living thing by drowning, it's true, but he has since rained down fire and brimstone and caused the crops to fail. But hey, we got rainbows!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Genesis Chapter 39
We're back on Joseph, who has been sold to Potiphar, who according to my bible, is the captain of the Pharaoh's guard, but according to other translations, he's also a eunuch, which makes what happens in this chapter more understandable.
Joseph flourishes as Potiphar's slave, supposedly because the lord is with him, but I suspect at least part of it is that he's stopped tattling and telling everyone about his self-serving dreams. Anyway, pretty soon Joseph is the chief overseer, and Potiphar trusts him so much that he knew not aught he had, save the bread which he did eat (v. 6) which explains how a slave can become a prosperous man (v. 2): he's robbing him blind. Verse six also tells us Joseph is a studmuffin.
Unsurprisingly, Potiphar's wife notices him and orders him to sleep with her. Not that I blame her, what with her husband being a eunuch, but if she gets pregnant, isn't he going to figure it out pretty quickly? Joseph refuses, saying Potiphar trusts him, and it's a sin. She keeps at it, trying to wear him down, and of course it doesn't work. Who wants to be badgered into sex? Finally, one day when all the other men are out, she tries to tackle him to the ground which he so isn't into, and he runs away, but leaves his coat in her hands. Like many a woman scorned, she takes the coat to the other men and tells them Joseph tried to rape her. She tells Potiphar the same story, and he gets angry. He puts Joseph in prison. God intervenes again and makes the warden like him. Soon Joseph is the head of the prisoners and it prospers.
Now, this is pure speculation, but is anyone else's gaydar pinging here? Joseph wears a girls coat. Then he is the first man to refuse sex, after we've seen other men engage in incest, adultery, prostitution, sex with slaves and polygamy. Then he's the only man in the house. Now he's in prison, happy as a clam. Anyone else get a vibe?
Joseph flourishes as Potiphar's slave, supposedly because the lord is with him, but I suspect at least part of it is that he's stopped tattling and telling everyone about his self-serving dreams. Anyway, pretty soon Joseph is the chief overseer, and Potiphar trusts him so much that he knew not aught he had, save the bread which he did eat (v. 6) which explains how a slave can become a prosperous man (v. 2): he's robbing him blind. Verse six also tells us Joseph is a studmuffin.
Unsurprisingly, Potiphar's wife notices him and orders him to sleep with her. Not that I blame her, what with her husband being a eunuch, but if she gets pregnant, isn't he going to figure it out pretty quickly? Joseph refuses, saying Potiphar trusts him, and it's a sin. She keeps at it, trying to wear him down, and of course it doesn't work. Who wants to be badgered into sex? Finally, one day when all the other men are out, she tries to tackle him to the ground which he so isn't into, and he runs away, but leaves his coat in her hands. Like many a woman scorned, she takes the coat to the other men and tells them Joseph tried to rape her. She tells Potiphar the same story, and he gets angry. He puts Joseph in prison. God intervenes again and makes the warden like him. Soon Joseph is the head of the prisoners and it prospers.
Now, this is pure speculation, but is anyone else's gaydar pinging here? Joseph wears a girls coat. Then he is the first man to refuse sex, after we've seen other men engage in incest, adultery, prostitution, sex with slaves and polygamy. Then he's the only man in the house. Now he's in prison, happy as a clam. Anyone else get a vibe?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Genesis Chapter 38
Holy shit. This is quite possibly the most insane chapter in this entire book, and trust me, having read it in detail, that is saying a lot. Your Sunday school probably used this chapter to teach you all about the sins of masturbation, birth control and abortion, but he or she probably didn't tell you the whole story, unless he or she is one sick puppy.
This particular chapter is an interlude about Judah, Israel's fourth son, and a direct ancestor of Jesus. Judah takes a walk one day, and sees a pretty Canaanite girl called Shuah. It's possible he marries her, or he just has sex with her. The result is a son, Er. Then they have sex again, and the result is Onan. If you're familiar with the term Onanism, you know where this is going. Finally, she has a third son who is called Shelah.
Judah finds a wife for Er called Tamar, but before she can get pregnant, Er does something wrong and god kills him. For those of you keeping track at home, this would be his second killing of an individual, Lot's wife being the first. Bonus round: what crimes do not warrant a heavenly death penalty? Which one did? Read through to the end to find out.
Judah said unto Onan 'Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother (v. 8). Now, before his death, Jerry promised to dedicate the rest of his life to preventing homosexual marriage, because it's against the bible. But here we have a quite clear proscription as well: if a married man dies without issue, his brother must marry his wife. For the bible's other teachings on marriage, see here.
Onan isn't too thrilled at the idea of his brother's sloppy seconds, and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother (v. 9). Now, this verse is the one that supposedly condemns masturbation, birth control and abortion all in one go. Jerry is oddly silent. But just reading it, it seems pretty clear that Onan wasn't masturbating, he just pulled out early because if Tamar got pregnant, Er would get credit for the baby. So as an argument against birth control, fair enough, but self-pleasure is still in-bounds as far as I can see.
Anyway, god, turning into a right serial killer in this chapter, kills him.
Judah tells Tamar to go home and wait for his final son, Shelah, to come of age, and she goes.
One day, Judah goes out to shear his sheep. Tamar hears that he's going out and puts on a veil and sits outside, apparently because Shelah is now grown and hasn't married her. Maybe he thinks she's bad luck? I wouldn't blame him.
Judah sees her and thinks she's a prostitute, so he asks her to have sex with him. She asks him what she'll get in return. I think this would be the part where she actually becomes a hooker. Anyway, he promises her a kid from his flock, and she asks for a deposit, his signet ring, a bracelet and a staff. They have sex and she gets pregnant. Then she goes home and puts her widow's clothing back on.
Judah, meanwhile, tries to send the goat down, but can no longer find her. So, prostitution is the world's oldest profession, and ripping clients off is the second oldest. His messanger asks where the harlot went, and they tell him that particular corner has never been frequented by ladies of the night. Judah insists they find her lest we be shamed (v.23) as if the shameful thing here is failing deliver a goat you promised to a prostitute you had sex with.
A few months later, Judah finds out that his daughter in law has been turning tricks and is pregnant. He orders her brought to him and burned. Fortunately, Jerry does not use this passage to call for the immolation of whores.
Tamar is a smart girl, however, and shows up with his stuff, saying he's the father. Judah acknowledges that the ring, bracelet and staff are indeed his, and that he is the one in the wrong, because he never gave her to Shelah. Then he stops having sex with her. Aw, what a guy!
The result is twins, and in the most monstrous description of birth yet, one twin puts his hand out and the midwife puts a scarlet thread around his wrist to show which one came out first. But he pulls his hand back in and the other one comes out. The twins are called Pharez and Zarah.
So, in one chapter that's two murders by a displeased deity, a daughter in law who prostitutes herself to her father in law, a father who visits hookers and a father in law who threatens to throw his hooker daughter in law on the auto-de-fé. What do you think: is this the most fucked-up chapter, or does the title belong to chapter 34 (Dinah is raped and her brothers convince the Hivites to get circumcised, then kill them) or even possibly chapter 19 (crowd of drunken men wants to rape a couple of sexy angels, Lot, to placate them, offers up his daughters, god destroys city, Lot's wife turned into salt, his daughters get him drunk and have sex with him). Actually, it seems a close race between chapters 19 and 38.
Finally, the crimes which do not merit a divine death sentence: eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Adam and Eve) fratricide (Cain), murder (Lamech), nude drunkenness (Noah), lying, casting your son into the desert (Abraham), beating your servants (Sarah), offering your daughters to a drunk, randy crowd, lying about their virginity (Lot), getting your father drunk and raping him (Lot's daughters), public sex (Isaac), polygamy (Esau, Jacob), pretending to be your brother, stealing your brother's birthright (Jacob), lying to your daughter's bridegroom about which daughter he actually had sex with, then fooling him into working for you for free for 7 years (Laban), icon stealing (Rachel), rape (Shechem), mass murder (Simeon and Levi), having sex with your stepmother (Reuben), cross-dressing (Joseph), selling your brother into slavery (Israel's other sons, except Reuben).
And those that do: having evil thoughts (the flood victims), 'grievous sin' (the people of Lot whom, if you will remember, god planned to kill even before the near angel rape), looking back at Sodom (Lot's wife), wickedness (Er), failure to complete the sexual act (Onan).
This particular chapter is an interlude about Judah, Israel's fourth son, and a direct ancestor of Jesus. Judah takes a walk one day, and sees a pretty Canaanite girl called Shuah. It's possible he marries her, or he just has sex with her. The result is a son, Er. Then they have sex again, and the result is Onan. If you're familiar with the term Onanism, you know where this is going. Finally, she has a third son who is called Shelah.
Judah finds a wife for Er called Tamar, but before she can get pregnant, Er does something wrong and god kills him. For those of you keeping track at home, this would be his second killing of an individual, Lot's wife being the first. Bonus round: what crimes do not warrant a heavenly death penalty? Which one did? Read through to the end to find out.
Judah said unto Onan 'Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother (v. 8). Now, before his death, Jerry promised to dedicate the rest of his life to preventing homosexual marriage, because it's against the bible. But here we have a quite clear proscription as well: if a married man dies without issue, his brother must marry his wife. For the bible's other teachings on marriage, see here.
Onan isn't too thrilled at the idea of his brother's sloppy seconds, and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother (v. 9). Now, this verse is the one that supposedly condemns masturbation, birth control and abortion all in one go. Jerry is oddly silent. But just reading it, it seems pretty clear that Onan wasn't masturbating, he just pulled out early because if Tamar got pregnant, Er would get credit for the baby. So as an argument against birth control, fair enough, but self-pleasure is still in-bounds as far as I can see.
Anyway, god, turning into a right serial killer in this chapter, kills him.
Judah tells Tamar to go home and wait for his final son, Shelah, to come of age, and she goes.
One day, Judah goes out to shear his sheep. Tamar hears that he's going out and puts on a veil and sits outside, apparently because Shelah is now grown and hasn't married her. Maybe he thinks she's bad luck? I wouldn't blame him.
Judah sees her and thinks she's a prostitute, so he asks her to have sex with him. She asks him what she'll get in return. I think this would be the part where she actually becomes a hooker. Anyway, he promises her a kid from his flock, and she asks for a deposit, his signet ring, a bracelet and a staff. They have sex and she gets pregnant. Then she goes home and puts her widow's clothing back on.
Judah, meanwhile, tries to send the goat down, but can no longer find her. So, prostitution is the world's oldest profession, and ripping clients off is the second oldest. His messanger asks where the harlot went, and they tell him that particular corner has never been frequented by ladies of the night. Judah insists they find her lest we be shamed (v.23) as if the shameful thing here is failing deliver a goat you promised to a prostitute you had sex with.
A few months later, Judah finds out that his daughter in law has been turning tricks and is pregnant. He orders her brought to him and burned. Fortunately, Jerry does not use this passage to call for the immolation of whores.
Tamar is a smart girl, however, and shows up with his stuff, saying he's the father. Judah acknowledges that the ring, bracelet and staff are indeed his, and that he is the one in the wrong, because he never gave her to Shelah. Then he stops having sex with her. Aw, what a guy!
The result is twins, and in the most monstrous description of birth yet, one twin puts his hand out and the midwife puts a scarlet thread around his wrist to show which one came out first. But he pulls his hand back in and the other one comes out. The twins are called Pharez and Zarah.
So, in one chapter that's two murders by a displeased deity, a daughter in law who prostitutes herself to her father in law, a father who visits hookers and a father in law who threatens to throw his hooker daughter in law on the auto-de-fé. What do you think: is this the most fucked-up chapter, or does the title belong to chapter 34 (Dinah is raped and her brothers convince the Hivites to get circumcised, then kill them) or even possibly chapter 19 (crowd of drunken men wants to rape a couple of sexy angels, Lot, to placate them, offers up his daughters, god destroys city, Lot's wife turned into salt, his daughters get him drunk and have sex with him). Actually, it seems a close race between chapters 19 and 38.
Finally, the crimes which do not merit a divine death sentence: eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Adam and Eve) fratricide (Cain), murder (Lamech), nude drunkenness (Noah), lying, casting your son into the desert (Abraham), beating your servants (Sarah), offering your daughters to a drunk, randy crowd, lying about their virginity (Lot), getting your father drunk and raping him (Lot's daughters), public sex (Isaac), polygamy (Esau, Jacob), pretending to be your brother, stealing your brother's birthright (Jacob), lying to your daughter's bridegroom about which daughter he actually had sex with, then fooling him into working for you for free for 7 years (Laban), icon stealing (Rachel), rape (Shechem), mass murder (Simeon and Levi), having sex with your stepmother (Reuben), cross-dressing (Joseph), selling your brother into slavery (Israel's other sons, except Reuben).
And those that do: having evil thoughts (the flood victims), 'grievous sin' (the people of Lot whom, if you will remember, god planned to kill even before the near angel rape), looking back at Sodom (Lot's wife), wickedness (Er), failure to complete the sexual act (Onan).
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Genesis Chapter 37
Ah, here we are at the story of Joseph, which many of you will be familiar with because your high school put on at least one performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat while you were there.
Joseph is 17 when this particular incident happens, and he sounds like a pain in the ass Joseph brought unto his father their evil report (v.2). In other words, he tells on them. We all love tattletales, right? For this, and the fact he's Rachel's son, Israel loves him best and he made him a coat of many colours (v.3) which even Jerry admits is 'a garment worn by the daughters of kings' or 'a ceremonial robe draped about statues of goddesses.' In other words, either his father is dressing his 17 year old son in girl's clothes, or Josesph is a big old biblical queen.
Now this favouritism shown by Israel does not go unremarked by Joseph's 11 brothers. They're not even civil to him. But it doesn't stop Joseph from wanting to tell them about his dream. I think we can all agree that the only thing more irritating than a snitch is someone who wants to tell you about his dreams. And what was said dream: well, they were all binding the wheat when suddenly, the sheaves become animated, and the brothers' sheaves all gathered around Joseph's sheaf and made obeisance to it. I amend what I said before: a snitch is annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his dreams is really annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his self-serving dreams deserves what he gets, even if he is only 17.
Anyway, this dream does not endear Joseph to his brothers and makes them hate him even more. But Joseph still isn't done. He then tells him another dream, where the sun, moon and 11 stars all pay obeisance to him. He describes it to his father, who has finally had enough and rebukes him.
One day, the brothers go out to tend the flock and surprisingly, do not invite Joseph, but Israel sends him anyway. While he's on his way, he meets a man who tells him his brothers went somewhere else. So he heads over. His brothers see him and while he's still out of earshot they conspire to kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father an animal got him. Okay, he might not deserve that, but a circle booting wouldn't hurt. Fortunately, Reuben, who was last seen having sex with his stepmother, convinces them not to kill him. Instead, they take off his drag and throw him into a pit. They sit down at the top for lunch and see a caravan of Ismaelites passing by on their way to Egypt. Judah, the fourth son, suggests selling him to them. So they sell him for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben must have left at some point, because he comes back and finds the pit empty and tears at his clothes in remorse. They kill a goat and dip the coat in its blood, then present it to their father who blames a wild animal. Israel dresses in sackcloth and goes into mourning. Joseph, meanwhile, is sold to an official in the Pharoah's house in Egypt.
Joseph is 17 when this particular incident happens, and he sounds like a pain in the ass Joseph brought unto his father their evil report (v.2). In other words, he tells on them. We all love tattletales, right? For this, and the fact he's Rachel's son, Israel loves him best and he made him a coat of many colours (v.3) which even Jerry admits is 'a garment worn by the daughters of kings' or 'a ceremonial robe draped about statues of goddesses.' In other words, either his father is dressing his 17 year old son in girl's clothes, or Josesph is a big old biblical queen.
Now this favouritism shown by Israel does not go unremarked by Joseph's 11 brothers. They're not even civil to him. But it doesn't stop Joseph from wanting to tell them about his dream. I think we can all agree that the only thing more irritating than a snitch is someone who wants to tell you about his dreams. And what was said dream: well, they were all binding the wheat when suddenly, the sheaves become animated, and the brothers' sheaves all gathered around Joseph's sheaf and made obeisance to it. I amend what I said before: a snitch is annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his dreams is really annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his self-serving dreams deserves what he gets, even if he is only 17.
Anyway, this dream does not endear Joseph to his brothers and makes them hate him even more. But Joseph still isn't done. He then tells him another dream, where the sun, moon and 11 stars all pay obeisance to him. He describes it to his father, who has finally had enough and rebukes him.
One day, the brothers go out to tend the flock and surprisingly, do not invite Joseph, but Israel sends him anyway. While he's on his way, he meets a man who tells him his brothers went somewhere else. So he heads over. His brothers see him and while he's still out of earshot they conspire to kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father an animal got him. Okay, he might not deserve that, but a circle booting wouldn't hurt. Fortunately, Reuben, who was last seen having sex with his stepmother, convinces them not to kill him. Instead, they take off his drag and throw him into a pit. They sit down at the top for lunch and see a caravan of Ismaelites passing by on their way to Egypt. Judah, the fourth son, suggests selling him to them. So they sell him for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben must have left at some point, because he comes back and finds the pit empty and tears at his clothes in remorse. They kill a goat and dip the coat in its blood, then present it to their father who blames a wild animal. Israel dresses in sackcloth and goes into mourning. Joseph, meanwhile, is sold to an official in the Pharoah's house in Egypt.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Genesis Chapters 35 & 36
Chapter 35
God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and build an altar. Jacob tells his household to put away their strange gods (v.2), which of course would be the pagan idols they still worship, take showers, and put on clean clothes, because he has decided the god who answered his prayers when he was in distress is the one true god. Is that clear to everyone? Jacob basically opened the heavenly phone book and called all the gods in it, then chose the one who rang back first. So they give him all their false idols and earrings, and he buries them under an oak tree and they leave. On the way, the terror of god was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob. What this terror might involve is not explained, but we do know that he has promised not to murder us all by mass flood, but not to refrain from using fire and brimstone (ch. 19) or sealing the wombs of all the women (ch. 26) or he may have a new form of terrorism. It's not clear.
Jacob builds an altar in Luz and changers the name to Elbethel. Rebekah's nurse dies. God comes along again and gives Jacob a blessing. Then he changes his name to Israel, though everybody still calls him Jacob. Israel builds a pillar in that spot.
Rachel is pregnant and goes into labour on the road, which is never fun. She has a boy, of course, and names him Benmoni, meaning 'son of my pain', but Israel changes it to Benjamin, meaning 'son of my right hand' (v. 18). Israel sets up a pillar on her grave, then keeps going to Edar.
Once there, his son Reuben has sex with his concubine Bilhah, who is what his stepmother? Israel knows but nothing is said.
Israel finally arrives in Mamre. Isaac is still there, aged 180, and he dies. Israel and Esau bury him.
Chapter 36
Another genealogy. Yawn. There are some inconsistencies, indicating that perhaps even the copyists who wrote this out time after time didn't like doing it very much, either.
God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and build an altar. Jacob tells his household to put away their strange gods (v.2), which of course would be the pagan idols they still worship, take showers, and put on clean clothes, because he has decided the god who answered his prayers when he was in distress is the one true god. Is that clear to everyone? Jacob basically opened the heavenly phone book and called all the gods in it, then chose the one who rang back first. So they give him all their false idols and earrings, and he buries them under an oak tree and they leave. On the way, the terror of god was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob. What this terror might involve is not explained, but we do know that he has promised not to murder us all by mass flood, but not to refrain from using fire and brimstone (ch. 19) or sealing the wombs of all the women (ch. 26) or he may have a new form of terrorism. It's not clear.
Jacob builds an altar in Luz and changers the name to Elbethel. Rebekah's nurse dies. God comes along again and gives Jacob a blessing. Then he changes his name to Israel, though everybody still calls him Jacob. Israel builds a pillar in that spot.
Rachel is pregnant and goes into labour on the road, which is never fun. She has a boy, of course, and names him Benmoni, meaning 'son of my pain', but Israel changes it to Benjamin, meaning 'son of my right hand' (v. 18). Israel sets up a pillar on her grave, then keeps going to Edar.
Once there, his son Reuben has sex with his concubine Bilhah, who is what his stepmother? Israel knows but nothing is said.
Israel finally arrives in Mamre. Isaac is still there, aged 180, and he dies. Israel and Esau bury him.
Chapter 36
Another genealogy. Yawn. There are some inconsistencies, indicating that perhaps even the copyists who wrote this out time after time didn't like doing it very much, either.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Genesis Chapter 34
This is not one of the chapters your Sunday school teacher told you about, unless he or she was a twisted sadist.
Jacob's only daughter Dinah goes out to see the daughters of the land (v.1). Apparently she was between the ages of 12 and 14, and was possibly going to the tent where menstruating or recently post-partum women hung out until they were 'clean' again, which makes what follows an even greater sin in the eyes of the ancient Israelites. On the other hand, it's possible she was going out carousing with the heathen Canaanite girls, and this is a cautionary tale to good Christian girls today about the dangers of getting too close to the enemy.
Shechem, a Hivite prince, sees her and rapes her, but in what strikes me as a case of biblical fudging not all that different from Luke and Laura on The Guiding Light, he falls in love with her. He asks his father to arrange a marriage with her. The father, anxious pretend to form an alliance with Jacob, but really to gain control of his land and livestock, goes to find him.
Jacob, meanwhile, hears about the incident and tells his sons about it. They're angry, but not for their sister, for their own pride, so they're in no mood to make deals when Hamor the king shows up to ask for Dinah, and with their other daughters, in a trade alliance. Shechem asks for their forgiveness and says he'll pay any price.
Jacob's boys decide to lie and tell the Hivites they can't agree unless they get circumcised, but if they do, no problem. Hamor and Shechem are happy with the deal and they go to tell their people about the deal and find a mohel (circumcisor). So they all get circumcised and while they're still recovering Simeon and Levi come along and kill them all and take Dinah home with them. The others get in on the act and take all the livestock, the money, the wives and the kids.
Jacob tells them this won't be good, as their numbers are smaller than those of the Canaanites and Perizzites, who will now attack, but Simeon and Levi ask if they should have just let them treat their sister that way. What we never do find out is how Dinah feels about all of this, because we will find out in Deuteronomy that non-virgins cannot marry, even in cases of rape, so basically she's going to end up an unmarried girl in her father's house, then when he dies, she'll get passed on to one of her brothers and probably treated like a servant.
Jacob's only daughter Dinah goes out to see the daughters of the land (v.1). Apparently she was between the ages of 12 and 14, and was possibly going to the tent where menstruating or recently post-partum women hung out until they were 'clean' again, which makes what follows an even greater sin in the eyes of the ancient Israelites. On the other hand, it's possible she was going out carousing with the heathen Canaanite girls, and this is a cautionary tale to good Christian girls today about the dangers of getting too close to the enemy.
Shechem, a Hivite prince, sees her and rapes her, but in what strikes me as a case of biblical fudging not all that different from Luke and Laura on The Guiding Light, he falls in love with her. He asks his father to arrange a marriage with her. The father, anxious pretend to form an alliance with Jacob, but really to gain control of his land and livestock, goes to find him.
Jacob, meanwhile, hears about the incident and tells his sons about it. They're angry, but not for their sister, for their own pride, so they're in no mood to make deals when Hamor the king shows up to ask for Dinah, and with their other daughters, in a trade alliance. Shechem asks for their forgiveness and says he'll pay any price.
Jacob's boys decide to lie and tell the Hivites they can't agree unless they get circumcised, but if they do, no problem. Hamor and Shechem are happy with the deal and they go to tell their people about the deal and find a mohel (circumcisor). So they all get circumcised and while they're still recovering Simeon and Levi come along and kill them all and take Dinah home with them. The others get in on the act and take all the livestock, the money, the wives and the kids.
Jacob tells them this won't be good, as their numbers are smaller than those of the Canaanites and Perizzites, who will now attack, but Simeon and Levi ask if they should have just let them treat their sister that way. What we never do find out is how Dinah feels about all of this, because we will find out in Deuteronomy that non-virgins cannot marry, even in cases of rape, so basically she's going to end up an unmarried girl in her father's house, then when he dies, she'll get passed on to one of her brothers and probably treated like a servant.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Genesis Chapters 28-33
Chapter 28
Isaac commands Jacob not to take a wife from among the heathen Canaanites, but rather to go back to Padan-aram, where Rebekah is from and marry one of his uncle Laban's daughters. He also blesses him, and passes along the blessing god gave to Abraham.
Esau observes all of this and goes to his uncle Ishmael and adds one of his daughters to his harem. Lots of cousin-marrying in this book. It's almost like they're hillbillies or something.
Back to Jacob, who camps in the desert, using stones for pillows, which sounds like fun, and dreams of a ladder to heaven, with angels going up and down. Rock pillows will do that to you. God is at the top, and he repeats the promise he made to Abraham and Isaac: you'll inherit this land, you'll have lots of offspring, yada yada yada. He promises to stick around until it happens. This apparently is where the expression 'Jacob's ladder' comes from.
Jacob wakes up and thinks this must be the gate of heaven, and he's afraid. So he stacks up the rocks and pours oil over them, which apparently is a pagan ritual. He names the place Beth-el and vows that if god fulfills his promise, he'll keep this stone as a place of worship and give one-tenth of his wealth to him. So begins tithing.
Chapter 29
Jacob comes to Haran and sees a well with a stone on it. He asks the shepherds where he is and they confirm it. He asks if they know Laban, and they do, and he asks how he is, and they say fine, and that his daughter Rachel is coming with some sheep. He tells them to water the sheep, like who does he think he is, walking up to a bunch of strangers and imposing his farming methods on them? and they say to wait until all the sheep have arrived. As they're talking, Rachel arrives. Jacob, clearly showing off for the girls, rolls the stone away and waters the flock. Then, apropos of nothing, he kisses her and bursts into tears. Oddly, she does not reject him right then and there.
He introduces himself, which I would have thought should be the first thing to do, and she runs back to tell her father. Laban comes out and hugs him and bring shim back, where he stays for a month.
Laban asks Jacob to work for him, and asks how much he wants to be paid. We then get a horse-trader's assessment of his two daughters: Leah is cute, but Rachel is hot, so Jacob offers to stay for seven years if he can have Rachel at the end. Laban agrees Jacob is a good match, so Jacob stays on and they seemed to him but a few days, for the love he had to her (v.20), which I think is the most romantic thing the bible has said to date.
Of course, Jacob goes and ruins it all in the next verse with his quite obnoxious demand, give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled (v.21), and rather than telling him to say the magic word, Laban throws a feast and brings him... Leah! But Jacob doesn't notice what with the feasting and the wine and the dark and the horniness after 7 years, until morning. He asks his uncle what the hell happened, and Laban explains that in their country, the youngest daughter can't be married before the first. He tells him he can enjoy the next week for a honeymoon, but he'll have to stay another seven years if he wants Rachel as well. How hot is she going to be after 14 years of this? But Jacob does it and he marries Rachel as well, finally, and loves her more than Leah, which so isn't going to turn out well, which he should know after his own experience where his mother liked him better and his father liked his brother.
Jerry finally notices that someone in the messianic line is a polygamist, but it's okay! It isn't outlawed until later!
Anyway, god, loving the irony of this second Jerry Springer episode, makes Leah pregnant and Rachel barren, because he's the only one who's allowed to have favourites. The resulting son is Reuben, and Leah thinks he'll bring her and Jacob closer together. Oh, sweetie, if I had a nickel for every woman who has tried that and failed, I'd live in a much nicer apartment. She has another son, Simeon, so obviously Jacob doesn't hate her too much, then another and another, finally goes into menopause.
Chapter 30
Rachel proves herself to be Jerry's kind of woman, one whose entire identity is wrapped up in her children, or lack thereof. She gets jealous of Leah and tells Jacob to give her kids or she'll die. Jacob gets pissy and says it isn't him, it's god. Well, that and his reserves are probably depleted by impregnating Leah so much. She has the brilliant idea of giving her handmaid Bilhah to Jacob, because that worked out so well with Sarah and Hagar and Ishmael, but Jacob will screw anything, rather like Abraham.
So Bilhah conceives a son, which Rachel claims as her own, whilst admitting it is a blessing and a curse at the same time so she calls him Dan. Bilhah has another son by Jacob, who Rachel also claims him and calls it a triumph over her sister, and calls him Naphtali.
Leah is in menopause, but isn't willing to give up the baby tower-building, so she gives him her handmaid, Zilpah, and they have a son together, then another one. Unlike Hagar, we never hear how these slaves feel about being part of an arms race, but I'm thinking Margaret Atwood captured it pretty succinctly in The Handmaid's Tale. Leah declares herself the winner.
Leah's first son Reuben is a farmer, and one day he finds mandrakes in his fields. Jerry informs me that mandrakes were thought to be an aphrodisiac and an aid in conception, so that's why this incident is important. Rachel asks Leah for some of he mandrakes and Leah retorts that she has their husband's heart, why does she need mandrakes, too? Rachel says Leah can have Jacob that night if only she can have the mandrakes. I'm waiting for this to be a plotline on Big Love.
Jacob comes home from the fields and Leah comes out and tells him he has to come with her, because Rachel traded her night for mandrakes. Jacob isn't particular, so he comes home with her. The result is the fifth son, because apparently sons with handmaidens don't count in the line of descent, only for sheer numbers in arms races, and calls him Issachar. Then she has a sixth son. She praises the lord and fools herself into thinking this is going to convince Jacob to stay with her forever. Her final child is Dinah, a girl.
God remembers Rachel and finally she has Joseph, but vows that she'll have another.
Jacob finally decides he's tired of living in Padan-aram so he asks Laban to let him go home. Laban asks him to stay, because god has shown him favour as a result of Jacob's presence. He asks him to name his price. Jacob says he's done his bit, his uncle is now rich in cattle, and now he wants to strike out on his own. Laban asks what Jacob wants. He promises to feed and keep the next day, and while he's doing that, he'll take all the speckled and spotted animals from Laban's flocks. Laban agrees, then takes all the same animals out of his flocks that same day, proving that it doesn't take much to be smarter than Esau.
Jacob doesn't say anything, but apparently acting on superstition, he makes white streaks in some popular, hazel and chestnut sticks, and piles them in the water troughs, so that when the animals come to drink, they'll see the branches and bear streaked and spotted offspring. I am not making this up. It is right there in verses 37-41 of Genesis, and it works. Try it for yourselves.
Jacob takes his new flock and keeps up the branch trick with the strongest animals, until he has all the strong animals and Laban the weak. Finally, he's rich in cattle, slaves, camels and asses.
Chapter 31
Laban's sons notice that Jacob now has all the good animals, and Jacob himself notices that Laban won't look him in the eye anymore. God tells him to go back, and he'll stay with him. Just like he stayed with him for all that time Rachel was trying to get pregnant. Jacob tells his two wives what's up with their father, and what god said, and reminds them how loyal he's been to Laban, and how poorly he's been treated in return. He confesses that's why they now have all the good cows, and that god has also told him to go home.
Rachel and Leah mostly want to know if their entire inheritance is now gone, because obviously they know they can't trust Jacob as long as there are slave girls around, but they do agree to go.
So they mount their camels and Jacob gathers the cattle and the goods, and while Laban is shearing the sheep, Rachel steals the pictures from the house, though not the kitchen sink, and they ride off, but not for long.
Laban finds out on the third day that Jacob and company have left, and a seven-day camel chase occurs with all his kinsmen Somewhere on the way, God appears to Laban in a dream and tells him to be neither mean nor kind to Jacob. They finally catch up to them near mount Gilead. Jacob has stupidly made camp for the night, and Laban comes in and asks him my he left in the middle of the night and kidnapped his daughters at swordpoint? He seems most insulted that Jacob didn't let him throw a good-bye feast and say goodbye to his kids and grandkids. Apparently this lack of courtesy means he can now harm him, but god has told him not to be angry or nice here. So now he's here to say that he understands Jacob wants to go home but there's the small matter of stolen property.
Jacob says he was afraid that Laban would take his wives away. Hey, at least he didn't pull the sister racket! He tells Laban to go through his luggage and take anything that belongs to him not knowing Rachel stole the icons. So Laban goes through Leah's tent, then the servants, and finds nothing, but finally he goes into Rachel's tent. Rachel has cleverly hidden the icons in the camel saddles and sat on them, so Laban doesn't find them. She tells her father that she can't stand up because she has her period, knowing he won't go near her.
Jacob and Laban argue and Jacob asks what he's done wrong, what Laban has found after ransacking his tents. He taunts him to say it in front of all their kin, so they can be the judges. He points out his twenty years of service, that the sheep haven't miscarried and he hasn't eaten the rams that he hasn't charged him for the losses, that Laban has stolen his time, and Laban has cheated him over and over again, and god saw it all but only rebuked him the other night.
Laban says Leah and Rachel are his and by extension so are their children, as well as the cows, so what can he do to all that is his?
He proposes a pact. Jacob takes a stone and starts a pillar, and tells his kin to do the same, and they all eat on the resulting pile. Laban wants to call the pile Jegarsahadutha, but Jacob prefers Galled and can you imagine how fun family dinner must be in this house, with the arguing over what to call a pile of rocks, and whose property the women are, and who bred the cattle how? Gawd.
Laban calls on god to watch over things when they aren't together, and says he doesn't want Jacob taking any further wives, as if four isn't enough, and says that in exchange he won't cross the border formed by the rock pile, nor will Jacob. Jacob agrees and sacrifices an animal and then they feast and Laban goes home.
Chapter 32
Jacob sets off and meets some angels. He asks them to go to Esau and tell them what he's been up to and that he's on his way. They do, and come back to say Esau is on his way to meet them with 400 men. Jacob is afraid and divides his people into two, on the theory that Esau can only fight one contingent. He asks god for safe passage. He camps for the night and chooses some goats, sheep, camels, donkeys and cattle and gives them to his servants with instructions to meet Esau and tell him this is a tribute. He sends out two more servants in different directions with the same orders. He figures this should appease Esau. Then he sends his wives and sons along, too. Then Jacob is alone except for a man, whom he wrestles all night.
Finally, Jacob wins despite his dislocated 'thigh', which might be his hip, or his penis, which I will find out when my uncensored bible arrives. The man asks for mercy, but Jacob says not until he blesses him. The man asks who he is, and he says Jacob, and the stranger says he's no longer Jacob, but Israel, because he has power over god and man. Jacob asks who he is, and why he wants to know who he is, but it's a secret, so the man shuts him up with a blessing.
Jacob calls the wrestling ring Peniel, because he saw there. Finally, the pain in his thigh catches up to him, and apparently that's why Jews don't eat the sinew of the thigh, which I did not know.
Chapter 33
The copy editor must have been on holiday that week because suddenly Leah, Rachel, Zilpah and Bilhah are there, and Esau is within sight. Jacob lines them up in order of importance: handmaids, Leah, Rachel, himself, then goes to the front and bows down before his brother.
Esau hasn't gotten any smarter in the past 20 years, so he runs up to his brother and kisses him. He sees the harem and asks who they are, and Jacob says they're the children god has given his (Esau's) servant. The handmaidens bow, then Leah, then Rachel. Esau asks about all the other people he met, and Jacob says they're presents. He urges them on Esau, who refuses, because he's got enough, thanks to god. Jacob says he's found Grace in Esau's sight, and begs him to take the loot, and flatters his brother that he looks like God, which he ought to know, since he just saw him. Finally, Esau agrees and Jacob asks to go home, and Esau offers to go first. There is some discussion about driving the stock too hard and Esaw asks to leave some of his slaves with Jacob who says god will help him. Esau goes back to Seir, and Jacob to Succoth then to Shalem where he pitches his tent and buys a field and builds an altar.
Isaac commands Jacob not to take a wife from among the heathen Canaanites, but rather to go back to Padan-aram, where Rebekah is from and marry one of his uncle Laban's daughters. He also blesses him, and passes along the blessing god gave to Abraham.
Esau observes all of this and goes to his uncle Ishmael and adds one of his daughters to his harem. Lots of cousin-marrying in this book. It's almost like they're hillbillies or something.
Back to Jacob, who camps in the desert, using stones for pillows, which sounds like fun, and dreams of a ladder to heaven, with angels going up and down. Rock pillows will do that to you. God is at the top, and he repeats the promise he made to Abraham and Isaac: you'll inherit this land, you'll have lots of offspring, yada yada yada. He promises to stick around until it happens. This apparently is where the expression 'Jacob's ladder' comes from.
Jacob wakes up and thinks this must be the gate of heaven, and he's afraid. So he stacks up the rocks and pours oil over them, which apparently is a pagan ritual. He names the place Beth-el and vows that if god fulfills his promise, he'll keep this stone as a place of worship and give one-tenth of his wealth to him. So begins tithing.
Chapter 29
Jacob comes to Haran and sees a well with a stone on it. He asks the shepherds where he is and they confirm it. He asks if they know Laban, and they do, and he asks how he is, and they say fine, and that his daughter Rachel is coming with some sheep. He tells them to water the sheep, like who does he think he is, walking up to a bunch of strangers and imposing his farming methods on them? and they say to wait until all the sheep have arrived. As they're talking, Rachel arrives. Jacob, clearly showing off for the girls, rolls the stone away and waters the flock. Then, apropos of nothing, he kisses her and bursts into tears. Oddly, she does not reject him right then and there.
He introduces himself, which I would have thought should be the first thing to do, and she runs back to tell her father. Laban comes out and hugs him and bring shim back, where he stays for a month.
Laban asks Jacob to work for him, and asks how much he wants to be paid. We then get a horse-trader's assessment of his two daughters: Leah is cute, but Rachel is hot, so Jacob offers to stay for seven years if he can have Rachel at the end. Laban agrees Jacob is a good match, so Jacob stays on and they seemed to him but a few days, for the love he had to her (v.20), which I think is the most romantic thing the bible has said to date.
Of course, Jacob goes and ruins it all in the next verse with his quite obnoxious demand, give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled (v.21), and rather than telling him to say the magic word, Laban throws a feast and brings him... Leah! But Jacob doesn't notice what with the feasting and the wine and the dark and the horniness after 7 years, until morning. He asks his uncle what the hell happened, and Laban explains that in their country, the youngest daughter can't be married before the first. He tells him he can enjoy the next week for a honeymoon, but he'll have to stay another seven years if he wants Rachel as well. How hot is she going to be after 14 years of this? But Jacob does it and he marries Rachel as well, finally, and loves her more than Leah, which so isn't going to turn out well, which he should know after his own experience where his mother liked him better and his father liked his brother.
Jerry finally notices that someone in the messianic line is a polygamist, but it's okay! It isn't outlawed until later!
Anyway, god, loving the irony of this second Jerry Springer episode, makes Leah pregnant and Rachel barren, because he's the only one who's allowed to have favourites. The resulting son is Reuben, and Leah thinks he'll bring her and Jacob closer together. Oh, sweetie, if I had a nickel for every woman who has tried that and failed, I'd live in a much nicer apartment. She has another son, Simeon, so obviously Jacob doesn't hate her too much, then another and another, finally goes into menopause.
Chapter 30
Rachel proves herself to be Jerry's kind of woman, one whose entire identity is wrapped up in her children, or lack thereof. She gets jealous of Leah and tells Jacob to give her kids or she'll die. Jacob gets pissy and says it isn't him, it's god. Well, that and his reserves are probably depleted by impregnating Leah so much. She has the brilliant idea of giving her handmaid Bilhah to Jacob, because that worked out so well with Sarah and Hagar and Ishmael, but Jacob will screw anything, rather like Abraham.
So Bilhah conceives a son, which Rachel claims as her own, whilst admitting it is a blessing and a curse at the same time so she calls him Dan. Bilhah has another son by Jacob, who Rachel also claims him and calls it a triumph over her sister, and calls him Naphtali.
Leah is in menopause, but isn't willing to give up the baby tower-building, so she gives him her handmaid, Zilpah, and they have a son together, then another one. Unlike Hagar, we never hear how these slaves feel about being part of an arms race, but I'm thinking Margaret Atwood captured it pretty succinctly in The Handmaid's Tale. Leah declares herself the winner.
Leah's first son Reuben is a farmer, and one day he finds mandrakes in his fields. Jerry informs me that mandrakes were thought to be an aphrodisiac and an aid in conception, so that's why this incident is important. Rachel asks Leah for some of he mandrakes and Leah retorts that she has their husband's heart, why does she need mandrakes, too? Rachel says Leah can have Jacob that night if only she can have the mandrakes. I'm waiting for this to be a plotline on Big Love.
Jacob comes home from the fields and Leah comes out and tells him he has to come with her, because Rachel traded her night for mandrakes. Jacob isn't particular, so he comes home with her. The result is the fifth son, because apparently sons with handmaidens don't count in the line of descent, only for sheer numbers in arms races, and calls him Issachar. Then she has a sixth son. She praises the lord and fools herself into thinking this is going to convince Jacob to stay with her forever. Her final child is Dinah, a girl.
God remembers Rachel and finally she has Joseph, but vows that she'll have another.
Jacob finally decides he's tired of living in Padan-aram so he asks Laban to let him go home. Laban asks him to stay, because god has shown him favour as a result of Jacob's presence. He asks him to name his price. Jacob says he's done his bit, his uncle is now rich in cattle, and now he wants to strike out on his own. Laban asks what Jacob wants. He promises to feed and keep the next day, and while he's doing that, he'll take all the speckled and spotted animals from Laban's flocks. Laban agrees, then takes all the same animals out of his flocks that same day, proving that it doesn't take much to be smarter than Esau.
Jacob doesn't say anything, but apparently acting on superstition, he makes white streaks in some popular, hazel and chestnut sticks, and piles them in the water troughs, so that when the animals come to drink, they'll see the branches and bear streaked and spotted offspring. I am not making this up. It is right there in verses 37-41 of Genesis, and it works. Try it for yourselves.
Jacob takes his new flock and keeps up the branch trick with the strongest animals, until he has all the strong animals and Laban the weak. Finally, he's rich in cattle, slaves, camels and asses.
Chapter 31
Laban's sons notice that Jacob now has all the good animals, and Jacob himself notices that Laban won't look him in the eye anymore. God tells him to go back, and he'll stay with him. Just like he stayed with him for all that time Rachel was trying to get pregnant. Jacob tells his two wives what's up with their father, and what god said, and reminds them how loyal he's been to Laban, and how poorly he's been treated in return. He confesses that's why they now have all the good cows, and that god has also told him to go home.
Rachel and Leah mostly want to know if their entire inheritance is now gone, because obviously they know they can't trust Jacob as long as there are slave girls around, but they do agree to go.
So they mount their camels and Jacob gathers the cattle and the goods, and while Laban is shearing the sheep, Rachel steals the pictures from the house, though not the kitchen sink, and they ride off, but not for long.
Laban finds out on the third day that Jacob and company have left, and a seven-day camel chase occurs with all his kinsmen Somewhere on the way, God appears to Laban in a dream and tells him to be neither mean nor kind to Jacob. They finally catch up to them near mount Gilead. Jacob has stupidly made camp for the night, and Laban comes in and asks him my he left in the middle of the night and kidnapped his daughters at swordpoint? He seems most insulted that Jacob didn't let him throw a good-bye feast and say goodbye to his kids and grandkids. Apparently this lack of courtesy means he can now harm him, but god has told him not to be angry or nice here. So now he's here to say that he understands Jacob wants to go home but there's the small matter of stolen property.
Jacob says he was afraid that Laban would take his wives away. Hey, at least he didn't pull the sister racket! He tells Laban to go through his luggage and take anything that belongs to him not knowing Rachel stole the icons. So Laban goes through Leah's tent, then the servants, and finds nothing, but finally he goes into Rachel's tent. Rachel has cleverly hidden the icons in the camel saddles and sat on them, so Laban doesn't find them. She tells her father that she can't stand up because she has her period, knowing he won't go near her.
Jacob and Laban argue and Jacob asks what he's done wrong, what Laban has found after ransacking his tents. He taunts him to say it in front of all their kin, so they can be the judges. He points out his twenty years of service, that the sheep haven't miscarried and he hasn't eaten the rams that he hasn't charged him for the losses, that Laban has stolen his time, and Laban has cheated him over and over again, and god saw it all but only rebuked him the other night.
Laban says Leah and Rachel are his and by extension so are their children, as well as the cows, so what can he do to all that is his?
He proposes a pact. Jacob takes a stone and starts a pillar, and tells his kin to do the same, and they all eat on the resulting pile. Laban wants to call the pile Jegarsahadutha, but Jacob prefers Galled and can you imagine how fun family dinner must be in this house, with the arguing over what to call a pile of rocks, and whose property the women are, and who bred the cattle how? Gawd.
Laban calls on god to watch over things when they aren't together, and says he doesn't want Jacob taking any further wives, as if four isn't enough, and says that in exchange he won't cross the border formed by the rock pile, nor will Jacob. Jacob agrees and sacrifices an animal and then they feast and Laban goes home.
Chapter 32
Jacob sets off and meets some angels. He asks them to go to Esau and tell them what he's been up to and that he's on his way. They do, and come back to say Esau is on his way to meet them with 400 men. Jacob is afraid and divides his people into two, on the theory that Esau can only fight one contingent. He asks god for safe passage. He camps for the night and chooses some goats, sheep, camels, donkeys and cattle and gives them to his servants with instructions to meet Esau and tell him this is a tribute. He sends out two more servants in different directions with the same orders. He figures this should appease Esau. Then he sends his wives and sons along, too. Then Jacob is alone except for a man, whom he wrestles all night.
Finally, Jacob wins despite his dislocated 'thigh', which might be his hip, or his penis, which I will find out when my uncensored bible arrives. The man asks for mercy, but Jacob says not until he blesses him. The man asks who he is, and he says Jacob, and the stranger says he's no longer Jacob, but Israel, because he has power over god and man. Jacob asks who he is, and why he wants to know who he is, but it's a secret, so the man shuts him up with a blessing.
Jacob calls the wrestling ring Peniel, because he saw there. Finally, the pain in his thigh catches up to him, and apparently that's why Jews don't eat the sinew of the thigh, which I did not know.
Chapter 33
The copy editor must have been on holiday that week because suddenly Leah, Rachel, Zilpah and Bilhah are there, and Esau is within sight. Jacob lines them up in order of importance: handmaids, Leah, Rachel, himself, then goes to the front and bows down before his brother.
Esau hasn't gotten any smarter in the past 20 years, so he runs up to his brother and kisses him. He sees the harem and asks who they are, and Jacob says they're the children god has given his (Esau's) servant. The handmaidens bow, then Leah, then Rachel. Esau asks about all the other people he met, and Jacob says they're presents. He urges them on Esau, who refuses, because he's got enough, thanks to god. Jacob says he's found Grace in Esau's sight, and begs him to take the loot, and flatters his brother that he looks like God, which he ought to know, since he just saw him. Finally, Esau agrees and Jacob asks to go home, and Esau offers to go first. There is some discussion about driving the stock too hard and Esaw asks to leave some of his slaves with Jacob who says god will help him. Esau goes back to Seir, and Jacob to Succoth then to Shalem where he pitches his tent and buys a field and builds an altar.
Genesis Chapters 26 & 27
Chapter 26
There is a famine in Canaan, so Isaac goes to Gerar, the capital of the land of the Philistines. God tells him not to go to Egypt like his father. He renews his promise that Isaac's descendants will inherit the land.
Eventually, the men of the place notice that Isaac has an attractive wife. Demonstrating that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Isaac says Rebekah is his sister. The ruse is discovered when the king looks down one day and sees them 'sporting' (v. 8). Now, at Jerry's school, Liberty University, students aren't even allowed to sunbathe lest they tempt each other into sin, but of course Jerry is willing to overlook public nookie if you're in the messianic line. The king confronts Isaac and asks him why he said she was his sister when she's clearly his wife. Well, if you were fooled by it the first time... Isaac explains he feared for his life. The king counters that someone could have had sex with Rebekah and got them all in trouble. He tells everyone to leave them alone.
Isaac plants crops and gets a hundredfold return on his investment, thanks to god. He becomes powerful, with servants and flocks and herds, and the Philistines are envious. They block his wells and the king asks him to leave.
So he leaves and pitches his tent in a valley and unblocks the wells. This causes tension with the local herdsmen, who tell him it's their water. He calls the first well Esek, or tension, and the second one Sitnah or enmity. Finally he digs a third well and calls it Rehoboth, which means plenty of room and the fighting ends. Nevertheless Isaac goes on to Beer-sheba. God finds him that same night and renews his promise. He builds and alter and digs yet another well.
The king comes and finds him and proposes they make a pact of mutual non-aggression. They seal the deal with a meal and the king leaves in the morning. The slaves come back and tell him they've found water. Lots of concern about water in this chapter.
The last two verses are about Esau, Isaac's son. We find out he married two women, Judith and Mashemath, and Jerry doesn't hesitate to call them heathens and evidence of Esau's spiritual depravity, after ignoring all of Abraham's transgressions with the servants. Isaac and Rebekah do not approve of their daughters-in-law. Sigh. In-law troubles.
Chapter 27
Isaac is now old and going blind, and he calls his son Esau to him. He asks him to kill a deer and make a stew for him. Remember that in Chapter 25, Esau was Isaac's favourite, despite his selling his birthright and polygamous marriage to heathens. He promises him a blessing in return.
Rebekah overhears the request and after he leaves, she goes to Jacob and tells him to kill two of his goats and she'll make a stew so Jacob can bring it and get the blessing while pretending to be Esau. Jacob points out his brother is hirsute and he is smooth, so Isaac will surely know something's up and he'll be cursed. Rebekah tells him the curse will be on her. So he goes and kills the kids and brings them back. His mother takes one of Esau's garments and tells Jacob to put them on, then she covers his hands and neck with the goat skins. This is a lot to do for a simple blessing.
Jacob takes the stew in and his father asks him who he is. He says Esau and he brought the stew. Isaac asks how he did it so quickly, and Jacob says god helped him. Isaac isn't convinced and asks to feel him to make sure he's really Esau. Isaac says he sounds like Jacob but is clearly Esau. He asks if it really is Esau, and Jacob lies bald-facedly that he is indeed. Finally he agrees to eat the stew and give the blessing.
When Isaac finishes, he tells his son to come closer so he can kiss him. He smells the clothes and Isaac gives his blessing that he'll inherit the country and its people.
Esau comes in just after the scene with his venison, and aks for his blessing. Isaac asks who he is, and he explains. Isaac says he already ate, so who was the person before? Because he already gave his blessing. Esau begs him to bless him as well, but Isaac figures out it was Jacob and the blessing is gone.
Esau bitches a bit about his brother's cunningness, but Isaac says he's now in charge and he's already given him the slaves, vineyards and fields. He asks what Esau wants.
Esau points out that surely his father has more than one blessing to give? Isaac promises him the fatness of the earth (v. 40), and that he'll live by the sword as a servant of his brother, but eventually he'll break free and be in charge.
Esau hates his brother, and really, who can blame him? He vows vengeance as soon as he's out of mourning for his father. Rebekah hears about it, because there is no privacy in a tent, and calls Jacob to her. She tells him to go to her brother Laban until everything blows over. She complains to Isaac that Esau's wives are tiresome and she doesn't want Jacob marrying any heathens.
Whew. Brothers have pretty tense relationships in this book. Cain kills Abel, Ham becomes his brothers' servant, Ishmael is banished so Isaac won't have to share his inheritance and now Esau only gets a lame pity blessing after his brother steals the real one. So is Jacob the first biblical con artist, or does he just seize the day? Is Esau's problem that he's just kinda dumb, selling his birthright for a bowl of soup? Is Rebekah Machiavellian?
There is a famine in Canaan, so Isaac goes to Gerar, the capital of the land of the Philistines. God tells him not to go to Egypt like his father. He renews his promise that Isaac's descendants will inherit the land.
Eventually, the men of the place notice that Isaac has an attractive wife. Demonstrating that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Isaac says Rebekah is his sister. The ruse is discovered when the king looks down one day and sees them 'sporting' (v. 8). Now, at Jerry's school, Liberty University, students aren't even allowed to sunbathe lest they tempt each other into sin, but of course Jerry is willing to overlook public nookie if you're in the messianic line. The king confronts Isaac and asks him why he said she was his sister when she's clearly his wife. Well, if you were fooled by it the first time... Isaac explains he feared for his life. The king counters that someone could have had sex with Rebekah and got them all in trouble. He tells everyone to leave them alone.
Isaac plants crops and gets a hundredfold return on his investment, thanks to god. He becomes powerful, with servants and flocks and herds, and the Philistines are envious. They block his wells and the king asks him to leave.
So he leaves and pitches his tent in a valley and unblocks the wells. This causes tension with the local herdsmen, who tell him it's their water. He calls the first well Esek, or tension, and the second one Sitnah or enmity. Finally he digs a third well and calls it Rehoboth, which means plenty of room and the fighting ends. Nevertheless Isaac goes on to Beer-sheba. God finds him that same night and renews his promise. He builds and alter and digs yet another well.
The king comes and finds him and proposes they make a pact of mutual non-aggression. They seal the deal with a meal and the king leaves in the morning. The slaves come back and tell him they've found water. Lots of concern about water in this chapter.
The last two verses are about Esau, Isaac's son. We find out he married two women, Judith and Mashemath, and Jerry doesn't hesitate to call them heathens and evidence of Esau's spiritual depravity, after ignoring all of Abraham's transgressions with the servants. Isaac and Rebekah do not approve of their daughters-in-law. Sigh. In-law troubles.
Chapter 27
Isaac is now old and going blind, and he calls his son Esau to him. He asks him to kill a deer and make a stew for him. Remember that in Chapter 25, Esau was Isaac's favourite, despite his selling his birthright and polygamous marriage to heathens. He promises him a blessing in return.
Rebekah overhears the request and after he leaves, she goes to Jacob and tells him to kill two of his goats and she'll make a stew so Jacob can bring it and get the blessing while pretending to be Esau. Jacob points out his brother is hirsute and he is smooth, so Isaac will surely know something's up and he'll be cursed. Rebekah tells him the curse will be on her. So he goes and kills the kids and brings them back. His mother takes one of Esau's garments and tells Jacob to put them on, then she covers his hands and neck with the goat skins. This is a lot to do for a simple blessing.
Jacob takes the stew in and his father asks him who he is. He says Esau and he brought the stew. Isaac asks how he did it so quickly, and Jacob says god helped him. Isaac isn't convinced and asks to feel him to make sure he's really Esau. Isaac says he sounds like Jacob but is clearly Esau. He asks if it really is Esau, and Jacob lies bald-facedly that he is indeed. Finally he agrees to eat the stew and give the blessing.
When Isaac finishes, he tells his son to come closer so he can kiss him. He smells the clothes and Isaac gives his blessing that he'll inherit the country and its people.
Esau comes in just after the scene with his venison, and aks for his blessing. Isaac asks who he is, and he explains. Isaac says he already ate, so who was the person before? Because he already gave his blessing. Esau begs him to bless him as well, but Isaac figures out it was Jacob and the blessing is gone.
Esau bitches a bit about his brother's cunningness, but Isaac says he's now in charge and he's already given him the slaves, vineyards and fields. He asks what Esau wants.
Esau points out that surely his father has more than one blessing to give? Isaac promises him the fatness of the earth (v. 40), and that he'll live by the sword as a servant of his brother, but eventually he'll break free and be in charge.
Esau hates his brother, and really, who can blame him? He vows vengeance as soon as he's out of mourning for his father. Rebekah hears about it, because there is no privacy in a tent, and calls Jacob to her. She tells him to go to her brother Laban until everything blows over. She complains to Isaac that Esau's wives are tiresome and she doesn't want Jacob marrying any heathens.
Whew. Brothers have pretty tense relationships in this book. Cain kills Abel, Ham becomes his brothers' servant, Ishmael is banished so Isaac won't have to share his inheritance and now Esau only gets a lame pity blessing after his brother steals the real one. So is Jacob the first biblical con artist, or does he just seize the day? Is Esau's problem that he's just kinda dumb, selling his birthright for a bowl of soup? Is Rebekah Machiavellian?
Genesis Chapters 12-25
We are introduced to Abram and his wife Sarai (which has presumably evolved into Sarah), who was barren, at the end of Chapter 11. At that point, they were on their way to Canaan, presumably to finish the job the Japhetic Romans started and conquer the Canaanites for once and for all.
Chapter 12
God promises Abram that if he moves to Canaan, he'll make of thee a great nation, and I will bless the, and make thy name great (v.2). Isn't that exactly why he scattered the people of Babel? Jerry does accept that this is ironic, but justifies it by saying that now it's god's decision, not some selfish humans, so it's okay. What he does not find ironic is the labelling of the Canaanites as wicked sinners. By the winners. Who generally write history. I'll shut up about that now.
Abram goes, of course, with his wife Sarai and his nephew Lot, and when they finally arrive, god promises him the land, and he builds an altar. Then he... promptly moves to a mountain near Bethel, where he builds another altar. Unfortunately, there's a famine there, so he heads further south to Egypt to ride it out.
Once he gets to Egypt, he turns to his 65 year old wife and says that since she's such a hottie, they Egyptians might kill him if he says she's his wife, so she'd better say she's his sister. Since she his half-sister, that isn't really a lie, it just isn't the full truth. Apparently, Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse to justify something called 'Theocratic War Strategy', whereby they lie when they think they're protecting the truth from god's enemies, even while under oath in court. Don't trust a Joho, especially if he thinks you're his enemy, I guess.
Getting back to the story: the Egyptians, who are clearly hard up, do indeed find Sarai pretty tasty, and she is added to his harem. Pharaoh, who never gets a name, does compensate Abram with sheep, oxen, asses and servants, and Sarai gets asses and camels. But he leaves out god, who punishes him with the plague. For believing Abram. Who lied. What was he supposed to do, go to the civil records office in Ur and ask if there were any marriage certificates issued to Sarai? It's not like there were fax machines then. Pharaoh does the honourable thing and gives Sarai back, and they leave.
Chapter 13
Lot, Abram and Sarai go back to Canaan, but conflict quickly develops because now they're too rich, and there isn't enough room for everybody's herds. Abram is generous and offers Lot his pick of the grazing lands. Lot choses the plain of Jordan, which also happens to contain Sodom and Gomorrah, so we know this isn't going to end well for Lot.
Abram continues along as a farmer and Lot moves to the city, where the men are wicked. Isn't that pretty much the view of every country dweller, even today? I remember I was sitting in front of a woman from London on a train to Toronto once, and she was fretting about having her purse stolen while she shopped. Because daytime purse snatchings are so common in the Big Smoke. Surprisingly, Jerry is demure in is characterization of Sodom, saying it is only known for moral wickedness.
God reaffirms his promise of Canaan to Abram, a promise he has clearly not fulfilled, given the conflicts in that region, from the Crusades to the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Abram moves once again to the plain of Mamre, and builds yet another altar.
Chapter 14
Rebellion! Five cities revolt after 12 years of servitude. Eventually, the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah are eventually deposed and their allies flee to the mountains. Yet another reason to call them sinful, no?
So the other army marches into Sodom and Gomorrah and takes all the food, as conquering armies are wont to do, and also take Lot.
One member of Lot's household does manage to escape to Mamre and get word to Abram, who gathers his trained servants (v.14), which I guess means private army, and goes after the raiders. He catches up to them in Hobah and gets the captives back, as well as the goods.
The king of Sodom creeps down to meet him, and another king provides a feast. Jerry thinks that because he's the priest of the most high God he's a fellow Christian but I think that adjectival phrase there indicates polytheism yet again. Anyway, they all bless each other and god and Abram gives them tithes. The king of Sodom tries to do a deal with Abram: give him the people, and Abram can have the loot. Abram refuses, because he's a good Christian, and because he doesn't want to owe them anything.
Chapter 15
After the events of the preceding chapter, God comes to Abram and promises him a reward. According to Jerry, his reward is that he'll have children and they'll be the rulers of Canaan. Abram believes him but asks how he'll know that he'll inherit it. God then tells him to sacrifice a heifer, a goat, a ram, a turtledove and a pigeon and to sacrifice them. He kills the animals, but drives the birds away when they try to come down for their share. What a weird way to find out you're going to inherit land.
Abram goes to sleep after the hard work of killing things, and receives a prophecy that his heirs will be exiled in Egypt for 400 years, but he'll judge the Egyptians and they'll come back rich after four generations. He then lists the Abrahamic peoples that will live in Canaan after the exile.
Chapter 16
Ten years have passed since the end of the last chapter. The now 75 year old Sarai is still childless. So she has the brilliant idea that Abram should have a child with her maid Hagar. Does this ever end well?
So Abram does, and Hagar gets pregnant, because all cases of infertility in the bible are on the female side, natch, and the result is Ishmael. Oh, and Hagar now hates Sarai. Well, who wouldn't, really? Sarai gets jealous of course, but Abram reminds her that Hagar is a slave and she can do what she wants to her. Sarai dealt hardly with her (v.6) and she flees.
An angel finds her sitting by a fountain in the wilderness and asks her what's up. She explains that she's left. He tells her to go back and submit and he'll give her children without number. He explains the first one will be Ishmael, and he'll be feisty and won't get along with anyone. Oh, and he'll be the forebear of the Arabs, which is pretty fucking convenient for old Jerry, who says Abram's 'act of the flesh' is the beginning of the Israeli-Arab conflict. No, I'd say it's more to do with letting them plunk down there at the end of WWII without thinking about the current inhabitants, not a biblical sex act. But this lets any modern foreign policy off the hook so Jerry goes with it.
So Hagar goes back and has Ishmael when Abram is 86 years old.
Chapter 17
Abram is now 99 years old and god comes along and asks him to go for a walk. He promises him yet again that he'll provide children for him, which causes Abram to fall on his face. Who knew the bible had slapstick bits?
God then changes his name to Abraham, because of all the nations he's going to father. He promises that this covenant will extend to his descendants, which as far as Jerry is concerned, means the Jews are still entitled to it. Well, that should settle it!
He then tells Abraham that his end of the bargain will be to circumcise himself and all the boys in the tribe, even the slaves, will also be circumcised when they're 8 days old. Seems like a good deal to me, if only god would hurry up and hold up his end of the bargain. Finally, he says that any boy that isn't circumcised will be exiled, not that they'll have much choice at 8 days old.
Moving right along, Sarai will now be called Sarah, because she, too, will be blessed with a son who will found many nations. At age 89. Jerry chalks it up to supernatualism, which he pretty much does any time something impossible happens. Abraham falls over again, this time laughing at the idea of a 90 year old and a centenarian having a kid. It also fails to explain why Dutch people have Sarah and Abraham parties when the person is turning 50.
Abraham asks why he can't make Ishmael his heir, but god says Sarah is really going to have a son, who will be called Issac and the covenant will be with him.
He doesn't neglect Ismael however, promising he will also have kids 12 princes to be exact and he will have a great nation as well but the covenant will be with Isaac who will be born n a year. Exeunt god.
Abraham then goes home and takes his son Ismael and all the boys in the house, whether servants or slaves and himself and they all get circumcised. What thing to do together as a family.
Chapter 18
Abraham is snoozing in his tent door one hot day when god appears again with two angels, though here they appear as men. Abraham comes running out to meet them and asks him to stay, wash their feet and rest up. He proves hospitable, offering them food and to stay until they are ready to leave.
He goes inside the tent and tells Sarah to make cakes for their guests, then runs out to slaughter a calf, which he brings back with butter and milk and serves them under a tree.
They ask after Sarah who has stayed in the tent. God promises to give her a child. Sarah overhears, and laughs because she is long past menopause and asks herself whether she's going to have sex with Abraham or what. One would hope so, her being 90 and all. God hears her laugh and asks why, after he promised?
He points out that as god, nothing is too difficult then promises to come back later and give her the promised son. She denies laughing, but he insists, which is rude on the part of a guest, even if you are god.
The men stand up to leave for Sodom. God considers not showing Abraham what he's about to do seeing as he's going to be so important in world history, and because he might send out his personal cavalry again to stop him. He resolves to go to Sodom and Gomorrah and see how sinful they really are.
They turn to leave but Abraham blocks their path and asks if they're going to destroy the righteous with the wicked? (v. 23). He asks if they couldn't spare the city for the 50 righteous men that are inside and asks Shall not the judge of all the earth do right? Yes and no would be the answers, Bob.
God promises not to destroy the city if he finds 50 righteous men, or even 45. He keeps agreeing until the final figure is 10 righteous men who will save the city. Abraham goes back to snoozing outside his tent and the men leave.
Chapter 19
The two angels go on to Sodom and are greeted at the gate by Lot. He invites them to stay with him, to wash their feet and leave in the morning, but they decline, saying they prefer to stay on the street. But Lot is persistant and insists they stay with him and he makes dinner, but they don't eat.
But the men of the city can smell the catnip from miles away, and they gather outside and demand the angels so they can have sex with them. Jerry calls this 'unspeakable depravity' and cites all the other biblical passages that condemn homosexuality (there are 4 other instances). Here's a rebuttal. When the bible starts calling on us to be tolerant and generous, I'm going to keep a similar tally.
Lot goes to the door and asks them not to rape the angels. Instead he offers his two virgin daughters, and tells them to do as they see fit with them.
The men threaten Lot and try to break down his door, but the angels pull him back and blind the men outside so they can't find it. They ask who else is in the house, and tell him about their plan to destroy the city. So Lot goes to his sons-in-law and tells them what's about to happen. Yes, that's right. He lied about his daughters being virgins. But the sons in law don't believe him which makes one wonder what Lot has been up to for all these years.
In the morning, Lot wakes his wife and daughters and they leave with god, who tells them not to look back until they get to the mountains. Lot whines a bit that the mountains are far and he's frail, and he'd rather just go to the next city, and god says what the heck and lets them go there instead. He tells them to hurry, and they arrive in Zoar at sunrise.
Meanwhile, god is enacting yet another mass murder, but not one by flood, so he isn't breaking his promise from after the flood. He burns it instead in a shower of fire and brimstone.
Sadly, Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt. Just for looking back on the place she lived her whole life? Ouch.
Now we're back with Abraham, who wakes up and looks over at Sodom and Gomorrah and sees only a smoking mess, but Lot does eventually make his way over. He leaves quickly, and goes into the mountains with his daughters and lives in a cave, even though he's afraid.
Lot's daughters, meanwhile, have somehow decided their father is the last man on earth, so they'll need him to help them repopulate it. Jerry has absolutely nothing to say about the kind of fucked-up family values this demonstrates of course. So they conspire to get him drunk and rape him while he's in a blind stupor. They do this two nights in a row, and they both get pregnant, and again, Jerry is mum. The first daughter has a son called Moab and the second has a son Ben-ammi. Both boys go on to found tribes.
David Plotz has some excellent points about this passage, namely, how do you teach it in Sunday school. Also, this has all the makings of a classic Jerry Springer episode.
Chapter 20
Abraham gets itchy feet again and goes to a place called Gerar. Sarah goes with him, and despite being over 90 years old and having admitted two chapters ago that she's post-menopausal, he again asks her to lie and say she's his sister so no one will kill him and steal her. And again the king of Gerar adds her to his harem. This time god goes to the king in a dream to tell him Sarah is already married and threatens to kill him. The king points out he hasn't even touched her, thus thwarting yet another mass murder because Abraham lied. God says he knew that he didn't know about the ruse and stopped him touching Sarah. Why threaten him with death, then? He tells the king to send her back and tells him he'll only kill him if he doesn't.
The king tells all his servants, then calls Abraham in to rebuke him for lying. Abraham says he didn't think they were godly, so they'd kill him for his hot 90 year old bride. He also explains that technically, he didn't lie, because he and Sarah have the same father, though not the same mother. So does this mean their father was a polygamist? He continues that he made the deal with Sarah when they left home.
To make up for his 'crime' the king takes sheep, oxen and slaves and gives them to Abraham along with Sarah. He also invites him to stay and explains to Sarah he has given Abraham a thousand pieces of silver. Abraham prays, and god, who works quickly, restores fertility to the women of Gerar, whose wombs he had closed in exchange for believing Abraham's lie, which he already admitted wasn't a sin. Sigh.
Chapter 21
Sarah finally has the long-promised Isaac, after a visit from god. Abraham names him as instructed and circumcises him at 8 days. Sarah regrets laughing and suckles her baby and Abraham has a feast on the day he's finally weaned. Sarah glances over and sees Ishmael laughing and her jealous feelings are stirred up again. She commands Abraham to cast Hagar and her son out, and to leave Ishmael out of his will, even as co-heir. Abraham doesn't want to, but god reminds him what Isaac will be, and also promises Ishmael will have his own people. So Abraham sends them away to Beer-sheba with a bottle of water and some bread. He puts both the bread and the boy on Hagar's shoulder, despite the book telling us numerous times that Ishmael is at least 13 years old, so it's no wonder she casts him under a bush as soon as the water runs out. She sits down a ways away, because she doesn't want to watch him die, but god hears him and sends his angel to ask what's wrong. The angel promises to watch out for Ishmael, and Hagar suddenly sees a well, so she fills the bottle and gives some to her son. Ishmael stays in the wilderness and becomes an archer and his mom finds him an Egyptian wife.
In a total non-sequitur, we suddenly go back to Abraham, who is being visited by the king he lied to before. He's heard about his relationship with god and wants him to swear he'll deal with him honestly, as he has been. This despite Abraham's earlier dishonesty. Abraham promises, then rebukes him about a disputed well, and the king swears this is the first he's heard of it. So Abraham gives him sheep and oxen and they make a covenant. Geez you really get a sense of what was important to the Israelites in this book, don't you? So they make a covenant, and Abraham goes and gets some sheep. The king is confused, but Abraham explains the sheep are his witness that he dug the stupid well. So they name the place Beer-sheba and the king leaves and Abraham plants a grove. Now suddenly it's the land of the Philistines.
Chapter 22
God seemingly renegs on his promis that Isaac will be the father of nations when he tells Abraham to take him into the land of Moriah and sacrifice him. Oh, and burn him as well. Abraham is enthusiastic about the idea of infanticide, and takes the boy to the designated place to sacrifice him. They build the pyre and Isaac asks where the lamb is, and Abraham says God will provide one. He binds his son to the pyre and he's standing there with the knife in hand when an angel stops him and tells him it was just a test of faith. Well played, god. Good thing you didn't get held up in traffic or anything.
Abraham looks up and sees a ram caught in the bushes. He offers it instead and names the place Jehovah-jireh. Jerry has nothing to say about this episode except that it was a test. A gruesome, capricious test, and an extremely poor example of family values and divine wisdom, I'd say.
But Abraham and Isaac don't seem to mind, as the angel renews god's promise that Isaac will be the father of nations. So they head down to Beer-sheba, because apparently Abraham is wandering again.
We get a brief story about Abraham's brother Nahor, whose wife has 8 kids. Bethuel, the youngest, has Sarah. Nahor's concubine also has 4 kids by him, but of course Jerry doesn't condemn the fact that this is either polygamy or extra-marital sex, because these are the good guys.
Chapter 23
Sarah dies in Kirjatharba, the land of the Heth, or Hittites. She lived to be 127, apparently the oldest woman in the bible, a complete reversal of normal human lifespans.
Anyway, Abraham asks the people to give him a place to bury her and they tell him anywhere is fine. He asks for the cave of Machpelah, which is now the Cave of the Patriarchs in Israel, and still a bone of contention in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
The owner of the land, Ephron, gives it to him, but Abraham wants to buy if from him. Ephron says it's 400 shekels, but to forget about it. Abraham insists on paying for it and gets deed to the land.
Chapter 24
Abraham is feeling poorly, so he makes his servant swear on his testicles that he won't let Isaac marry a pagan Canaanite girl. Yes, even Jerry concedes that put thy hand under my thigh (v.2) is a euphemism for penis. He tells the servant to go back to Ur and find a nice girl for his son. The servant asks what to do if the girl doesn't want to come to Canaan, should he bring Isaac with him? No, Isacc needs to stay there because god promised this land to them. So the servant swears on Abraham's member not to take Isaac to Ur.
The servant leaves with 10 camels and goes to Nahor in Mesopotamia, which isn't were Abraham is from, but okay. He sits the camels down by a well in the evening, when the women come to fill their jugs. He decides that the right woman will be the one who gives him and the camels water when he asks for it.
Rebekah immediately appears. She's very pretty and a virgin to boot. The servant literally runs over to her and asks for some water. She's amenable, even though carrying water is a laborious task and he's making it take even longer and hey, why can't he draw water for his own damned self? She also offers water to the camels, because she's nicer than me, and the man wonders if she's the right one. So he pulls out an earring and some bracelets and asks who she is, and if they can stay at her father's house.
She says she's Bethuel's daughter, and sure, they have room. The servant bows down and praises the lord. Rebekah runs off to tell her mother's house what's going on. Her mother's house. Indicating her father lives somewhere else. Indicating polygamy. Which Jerry ignores.
Anyway, Rebekah's brother Laban comes back to the well and talks to the servant. He asks him why he's lingering outside, as the house is ready. The man comes in, stables the camels and washes his feet. They feed him, but he refuses until he's told them what his mission is. He says he's Abraham's servant and Abraham is a rich man. He says Sarah has had a son, and he will inherit all of Abraham's wealth. He continues that Abraham made him promise that Isaac wouldn't marry a Canaanite, so he has sent him back to his father's house to find a wife among his kin. Long story short: Rebekah is the woman of his dreams for Isaac. So he gave her some jewellery, and now, can he take her back to Canaan for Isaac?
Laban and Bethuel, in a brilliant display of fatherly and brotherly concern, tell him that if god says it, it must be true, so go ahead and take her. The servant converts to Judaism right there nd gives them all jewels. They eat some more and party down and in the morning the servant wants to go home. Rebekah's mother and brother ask for 10 more days, but the servant is impatient. Finally, they think to ask Rebekah what she wants, and she says to go with the servant. So Rebekah and her nurse leave with Abraham's entourage with their blessing.
Isaac comes home and goes out to the field to meditate. He looks up and sees the camel train. Rebekah looks up and sees him and gets off her camel. She asks the servant who he is, and he says Isaac, so she covers herself. The servant tells Isaac about his adventures and he takes Rebekah to Sarah's tent, even though Sarah died in the last chapter, and they get married and Rebekah is a comfort after his mother's death. Now, a good copy-editor would have put this chapter before the last one, so as to avoid confusion, but apparently they didn't have those back then.
Chapter 25
After Sarah's death, Abraham takes another wife. Or rather, concubine. Even the sincere Christians don't really know. Anyway, her name is Keturah, and even though Isaac has always been referred to as Abraham's only son, she has 6 more. This also despite all the help he apparently needed to father Isaac. Maybe Sarah was just exhausting.
Anyway, despite these last 6 sons, Abraham still leaves all his property to Isaac. That isn't going to cause any resentment. He also sends them away with gifts before his death.
Finally, Abraham dies at 175. I had no idea that the expression gave up the ghost (v. 8) was biblical. You learn something new every day. Isaac and Ishmael, apparently back from the wilderness, bury him in the cave of Machpelah, which he bought two chapters ago, and which is still contested. God then blesses Isaac.
We find out the names of Ishmael's 12 sons, who become princes, and that he lived to be 137.
Isaac married Rebekah at age 40, and it turns out that she is also barren, until Isaac prays. Then she conceives twins. Even in the womb, they struggle, so she asks god why. He explains they're going to found two nations, but one will be stronger than the other. He also says it's going to be a reversal of sorts: the older brother will become the younger one's servant.
Rebekah goes into labour, and the first is Esau, red all over like a hairy garment which is pretty mean about a baby, then the brother comes out and takes his brother's heel, so he is Jacob.
Like many twins, the boys grow up opposites. Esau is a hunter, Jacob a city boy preferring the tents. Isaac loves Esau because he likes venison but Rebekah prefers Jacob.
Jacob is a soup-seller and one day Esau comes in hungry from the fields and asks him for a bit of it. Jacob says he'll give it to him in exchange for his birthright. Esau thinks he's literally going to die, so his birthright isn't much use, so he agrees. I wonder if my siblings would do the same? Quite possibly. So he agrees and gives it to his brother.
Chapter 12
God promises Abram that if he moves to Canaan, he'll make of thee a great nation, and I will bless the, and make thy name great (v.2). Isn't that exactly why he scattered the people of Babel? Jerry does accept that this is ironic, but justifies it by saying that now it's god's decision, not some selfish humans, so it's okay. What he does not find ironic is the labelling of the Canaanites as wicked sinners. By the winners. Who generally write history. I'll shut up about that now.
Abram goes, of course, with his wife Sarai and his nephew Lot, and when they finally arrive, god promises him the land, and he builds an altar. Then he... promptly moves to a mountain near Bethel, where he builds another altar. Unfortunately, there's a famine there, so he heads further south to Egypt to ride it out.
Once he gets to Egypt, he turns to his 65 year old wife and says that since she's such a hottie, they Egyptians might kill him if he says she's his wife, so she'd better say she's his sister. Since she his half-sister, that isn't really a lie, it just isn't the full truth. Apparently, Jehovah's Witnesses use this verse to justify something called 'Theocratic War Strategy', whereby they lie when they think they're protecting the truth from god's enemies, even while under oath in court. Don't trust a Joho, especially if he thinks you're his enemy, I guess.
Getting back to the story: the Egyptians, who are clearly hard up, do indeed find Sarai pretty tasty, and she is added to his harem. Pharaoh, who never gets a name, does compensate Abram with sheep, oxen, asses and servants, and Sarai gets asses and camels. But he leaves out god, who punishes him with the plague. For believing Abram. Who lied. What was he supposed to do, go to the civil records office in Ur and ask if there were any marriage certificates issued to Sarai? It's not like there were fax machines then. Pharaoh does the honourable thing and gives Sarai back, and they leave.
Chapter 13
Lot, Abram and Sarai go back to Canaan, but conflict quickly develops because now they're too rich, and there isn't enough room for everybody's herds. Abram is generous and offers Lot his pick of the grazing lands. Lot choses the plain of Jordan, which also happens to contain Sodom and Gomorrah, so we know this isn't going to end well for Lot.
Abram continues along as a farmer and Lot moves to the city, where the men are wicked. Isn't that pretty much the view of every country dweller, even today? I remember I was sitting in front of a woman from London on a train to Toronto once, and she was fretting about having her purse stolen while she shopped. Because daytime purse snatchings are so common in the Big Smoke. Surprisingly, Jerry is demure in is characterization of Sodom, saying it is only known for moral wickedness.
God reaffirms his promise of Canaan to Abram, a promise he has clearly not fulfilled, given the conflicts in that region, from the Crusades to the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Abram moves once again to the plain of Mamre, and builds yet another altar.
Chapter 14
Rebellion! Five cities revolt after 12 years of servitude. Eventually, the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah are eventually deposed and their allies flee to the mountains. Yet another reason to call them sinful, no?
So the other army marches into Sodom and Gomorrah and takes all the food, as conquering armies are wont to do, and also take Lot.
One member of Lot's household does manage to escape to Mamre and get word to Abram, who gathers his trained servants (v.14), which I guess means private army, and goes after the raiders. He catches up to them in Hobah and gets the captives back, as well as the goods.
The king of Sodom creeps down to meet him, and another king provides a feast. Jerry thinks that because he's the priest of the most high God he's a fellow Christian but I think that adjectival phrase there indicates polytheism yet again. Anyway, they all bless each other and god and Abram gives them tithes. The king of Sodom tries to do a deal with Abram: give him the people, and Abram can have the loot. Abram refuses, because he's a good Christian, and because he doesn't want to owe them anything.
Chapter 15
After the events of the preceding chapter, God comes to Abram and promises him a reward. According to Jerry, his reward is that he'll have children and they'll be the rulers of Canaan. Abram believes him but asks how he'll know that he'll inherit it. God then tells him to sacrifice a heifer, a goat, a ram, a turtledove and a pigeon and to sacrifice them. He kills the animals, but drives the birds away when they try to come down for their share. What a weird way to find out you're going to inherit land.
Abram goes to sleep after the hard work of killing things, and receives a prophecy that his heirs will be exiled in Egypt for 400 years, but he'll judge the Egyptians and they'll come back rich after four generations. He then lists the Abrahamic peoples that will live in Canaan after the exile.
Chapter 16
Ten years have passed since the end of the last chapter. The now 75 year old Sarai is still childless. So she has the brilliant idea that Abram should have a child with her maid Hagar. Does this ever end well?
So Abram does, and Hagar gets pregnant, because all cases of infertility in the bible are on the female side, natch, and the result is Ishmael. Oh, and Hagar now hates Sarai. Well, who wouldn't, really? Sarai gets jealous of course, but Abram reminds her that Hagar is a slave and she can do what she wants to her. Sarai dealt hardly with her (v.6) and she flees.
An angel finds her sitting by a fountain in the wilderness and asks her what's up. She explains that she's left. He tells her to go back and submit and he'll give her children without number. He explains the first one will be Ishmael, and he'll be feisty and won't get along with anyone. Oh, and he'll be the forebear of the Arabs, which is pretty fucking convenient for old Jerry, who says Abram's 'act of the flesh' is the beginning of the Israeli-Arab conflict. No, I'd say it's more to do with letting them plunk down there at the end of WWII without thinking about the current inhabitants, not a biblical sex act. But this lets any modern foreign policy off the hook so Jerry goes with it.
So Hagar goes back and has Ishmael when Abram is 86 years old.
Chapter 17
Abram is now 99 years old and god comes along and asks him to go for a walk. He promises him yet again that he'll provide children for him, which causes Abram to fall on his face. Who knew the bible had slapstick bits?
God then changes his name to Abraham, because of all the nations he's going to father. He promises that this covenant will extend to his descendants, which as far as Jerry is concerned, means the Jews are still entitled to it. Well, that should settle it!
He then tells Abraham that his end of the bargain will be to circumcise himself and all the boys in the tribe, even the slaves, will also be circumcised when they're 8 days old. Seems like a good deal to me, if only god would hurry up and hold up his end of the bargain. Finally, he says that any boy that isn't circumcised will be exiled, not that they'll have much choice at 8 days old.
Moving right along, Sarai will now be called Sarah, because she, too, will be blessed with a son who will found many nations. At age 89. Jerry chalks it up to supernatualism, which he pretty much does any time something impossible happens. Abraham falls over again, this time laughing at the idea of a 90 year old and a centenarian having a kid. It also fails to explain why Dutch people have Sarah and Abraham parties when the person is turning 50.
Abraham asks why he can't make Ishmael his heir, but god says Sarah is really going to have a son, who will be called Issac and the covenant will be with him.
He doesn't neglect Ismael however, promising he will also have kids 12 princes to be exact and he will have a great nation as well but the covenant will be with Isaac who will be born n a year. Exeunt god.
Abraham then goes home and takes his son Ismael and all the boys in the house, whether servants or slaves and himself and they all get circumcised. What thing to do together as a family.
Chapter 18
Abraham is snoozing in his tent door one hot day when god appears again with two angels, though here they appear as men. Abraham comes running out to meet them and asks him to stay, wash their feet and rest up. He proves hospitable, offering them food and to stay until they are ready to leave.
He goes inside the tent and tells Sarah to make cakes for their guests, then runs out to slaughter a calf, which he brings back with butter and milk and serves them under a tree.
They ask after Sarah who has stayed in the tent. God promises to give her a child. Sarah overhears, and laughs because she is long past menopause and asks herself whether she's going to have sex with Abraham or what. One would hope so, her being 90 and all. God hears her laugh and asks why, after he promised?
He points out that as god, nothing is too difficult then promises to come back later and give her the promised son. She denies laughing, but he insists, which is rude on the part of a guest, even if you are god.
The men stand up to leave for Sodom. God considers not showing Abraham what he's about to do seeing as he's going to be so important in world history, and because he might send out his personal cavalry again to stop him. He resolves to go to Sodom and Gomorrah and see how sinful they really are.
They turn to leave but Abraham blocks their path and asks if they're going to destroy the righteous with the wicked? (v. 23). He asks if they couldn't spare the city for the 50 righteous men that are inside and asks Shall not the judge of all the earth do right? Yes and no would be the answers, Bob.
God promises not to destroy the city if he finds 50 righteous men, or even 45. He keeps agreeing until the final figure is 10 righteous men who will save the city. Abraham goes back to snoozing outside his tent and the men leave.
Chapter 19
The two angels go on to Sodom and are greeted at the gate by Lot. He invites them to stay with him, to wash their feet and leave in the morning, but they decline, saying they prefer to stay on the street. But Lot is persistant and insists they stay with him and he makes dinner, but they don't eat.
But the men of the city can smell the catnip from miles away, and they gather outside and demand the angels so they can have sex with them. Jerry calls this 'unspeakable depravity' and cites all the other biblical passages that condemn homosexuality (there are 4 other instances). Here's a rebuttal. When the bible starts calling on us to be tolerant and generous, I'm going to keep a similar tally.
Lot goes to the door and asks them not to rape the angels. Instead he offers his two virgin daughters, and tells them to do as they see fit with them.
The men threaten Lot and try to break down his door, but the angels pull him back and blind the men outside so they can't find it. They ask who else is in the house, and tell him about their plan to destroy the city. So Lot goes to his sons-in-law and tells them what's about to happen. Yes, that's right. He lied about his daughters being virgins. But the sons in law don't believe him which makes one wonder what Lot has been up to for all these years.
In the morning, Lot wakes his wife and daughters and they leave with god, who tells them not to look back until they get to the mountains. Lot whines a bit that the mountains are far and he's frail, and he'd rather just go to the next city, and god says what the heck and lets them go there instead. He tells them to hurry, and they arrive in Zoar at sunrise.
Meanwhile, god is enacting yet another mass murder, but not one by flood, so he isn't breaking his promise from after the flood. He burns it instead in a shower of fire and brimstone.
Sadly, Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt. Just for looking back on the place she lived her whole life? Ouch.
Now we're back with Abraham, who wakes up and looks over at Sodom and Gomorrah and sees only a smoking mess, but Lot does eventually make his way over. He leaves quickly, and goes into the mountains with his daughters and lives in a cave, even though he's afraid.
Lot's daughters, meanwhile, have somehow decided their father is the last man on earth, so they'll need him to help them repopulate it. Jerry has absolutely nothing to say about the kind of fucked-up family values this demonstrates of course. So they conspire to get him drunk and rape him while he's in a blind stupor. They do this two nights in a row, and they both get pregnant, and again, Jerry is mum. The first daughter has a son called Moab and the second has a son Ben-ammi. Both boys go on to found tribes.
David Plotz has some excellent points about this passage, namely, how do you teach it in Sunday school. Also, this has all the makings of a classic Jerry Springer episode.
Chapter 20
Abraham gets itchy feet again and goes to a place called Gerar. Sarah goes with him, and despite being over 90 years old and having admitted two chapters ago that she's post-menopausal, he again asks her to lie and say she's his sister so no one will kill him and steal her. And again the king of Gerar adds her to his harem. This time god goes to the king in a dream to tell him Sarah is already married and threatens to kill him. The king points out he hasn't even touched her, thus thwarting yet another mass murder because Abraham lied. God says he knew that he didn't know about the ruse and stopped him touching Sarah. Why threaten him with death, then? He tells the king to send her back and tells him he'll only kill him if he doesn't.
The king tells all his servants, then calls Abraham in to rebuke him for lying. Abraham says he didn't think they were godly, so they'd kill him for his hot 90 year old bride. He also explains that technically, he didn't lie, because he and Sarah have the same father, though not the same mother. So does this mean their father was a polygamist? He continues that he made the deal with Sarah when they left home.
To make up for his 'crime' the king takes sheep, oxen and slaves and gives them to Abraham along with Sarah. He also invites him to stay and explains to Sarah he has given Abraham a thousand pieces of silver. Abraham prays, and god, who works quickly, restores fertility to the women of Gerar, whose wombs he had closed in exchange for believing Abraham's lie, which he already admitted wasn't a sin. Sigh.
Chapter 21
Sarah finally has the long-promised Isaac, after a visit from god. Abraham names him as instructed and circumcises him at 8 days. Sarah regrets laughing and suckles her baby and Abraham has a feast on the day he's finally weaned. Sarah glances over and sees Ishmael laughing and her jealous feelings are stirred up again. She commands Abraham to cast Hagar and her son out, and to leave Ishmael out of his will, even as co-heir. Abraham doesn't want to, but god reminds him what Isaac will be, and also promises Ishmael will have his own people. So Abraham sends them away to Beer-sheba with a bottle of water and some bread. He puts both the bread and the boy on Hagar's shoulder, despite the book telling us numerous times that Ishmael is at least 13 years old, so it's no wonder she casts him under a bush as soon as the water runs out. She sits down a ways away, because she doesn't want to watch him die, but god hears him and sends his angel to ask what's wrong. The angel promises to watch out for Ishmael, and Hagar suddenly sees a well, so she fills the bottle and gives some to her son. Ishmael stays in the wilderness and becomes an archer and his mom finds him an Egyptian wife.
In a total non-sequitur, we suddenly go back to Abraham, who is being visited by the king he lied to before. He's heard about his relationship with god and wants him to swear he'll deal with him honestly, as he has been. This despite Abraham's earlier dishonesty. Abraham promises, then rebukes him about a disputed well, and the king swears this is the first he's heard of it. So Abraham gives him sheep and oxen and they make a covenant. Geez you really get a sense of what was important to the Israelites in this book, don't you? So they make a covenant, and Abraham goes and gets some sheep. The king is confused, but Abraham explains the sheep are his witness that he dug the stupid well. So they name the place Beer-sheba and the king leaves and Abraham plants a grove. Now suddenly it's the land of the Philistines.
Chapter 22
God seemingly renegs on his promis that Isaac will be the father of nations when he tells Abraham to take him into the land of Moriah and sacrifice him. Oh, and burn him as well. Abraham is enthusiastic about the idea of infanticide, and takes the boy to the designated place to sacrifice him. They build the pyre and Isaac asks where the lamb is, and Abraham says God will provide one. He binds his son to the pyre and he's standing there with the knife in hand when an angel stops him and tells him it was just a test of faith. Well played, god. Good thing you didn't get held up in traffic or anything.
Abraham looks up and sees a ram caught in the bushes. He offers it instead and names the place Jehovah-jireh. Jerry has nothing to say about this episode except that it was a test. A gruesome, capricious test, and an extremely poor example of family values and divine wisdom, I'd say.
But Abraham and Isaac don't seem to mind, as the angel renews god's promise that Isaac will be the father of nations. So they head down to Beer-sheba, because apparently Abraham is wandering again.
We get a brief story about Abraham's brother Nahor, whose wife has 8 kids. Bethuel, the youngest, has Sarah. Nahor's concubine also has 4 kids by him, but of course Jerry doesn't condemn the fact that this is either polygamy or extra-marital sex, because these are the good guys.
Chapter 23
Sarah dies in Kirjatharba, the land of the Heth, or Hittites. She lived to be 127, apparently the oldest woman in the bible, a complete reversal of normal human lifespans.
Anyway, Abraham asks the people to give him a place to bury her and they tell him anywhere is fine. He asks for the cave of Machpelah, which is now the Cave of the Patriarchs in Israel, and still a bone of contention in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
The owner of the land, Ephron, gives it to him, but Abraham wants to buy if from him. Ephron says it's 400 shekels, but to forget about it. Abraham insists on paying for it and gets deed to the land.
Chapter 24
Abraham is feeling poorly, so he makes his servant swear on his testicles that he won't let Isaac marry a pagan Canaanite girl. Yes, even Jerry concedes that put thy hand under my thigh (v.2) is a euphemism for penis. He tells the servant to go back to Ur and find a nice girl for his son. The servant asks what to do if the girl doesn't want to come to Canaan, should he bring Isaac with him? No, Isacc needs to stay there because god promised this land to them. So the servant swears on Abraham's member not to take Isaac to Ur.
The servant leaves with 10 camels and goes to Nahor in Mesopotamia, which isn't were Abraham is from, but okay. He sits the camels down by a well in the evening, when the women come to fill their jugs. He decides that the right woman will be the one who gives him and the camels water when he asks for it.
Rebekah immediately appears. She's very pretty and a virgin to boot. The servant literally runs over to her and asks for some water. She's amenable, even though carrying water is a laborious task and he's making it take even longer and hey, why can't he draw water for his own damned self? She also offers water to the camels, because she's nicer than me, and the man wonders if she's the right one. So he pulls out an earring and some bracelets and asks who she is, and if they can stay at her father's house.
She says she's Bethuel's daughter, and sure, they have room. The servant bows down and praises the lord. Rebekah runs off to tell her mother's house what's going on. Her mother's house. Indicating her father lives somewhere else. Indicating polygamy. Which Jerry ignores.
Anyway, Rebekah's brother Laban comes back to the well and talks to the servant. He asks him why he's lingering outside, as the house is ready. The man comes in, stables the camels and washes his feet. They feed him, but he refuses until he's told them what his mission is. He says he's Abraham's servant and Abraham is a rich man. He says Sarah has had a son, and he will inherit all of Abraham's wealth. He continues that Abraham made him promise that Isaac wouldn't marry a Canaanite, so he has sent him back to his father's house to find a wife among his kin. Long story short: Rebekah is the woman of his dreams for Isaac. So he gave her some jewellery, and now, can he take her back to Canaan for Isaac?
Laban and Bethuel, in a brilliant display of fatherly and brotherly concern, tell him that if god says it, it must be true, so go ahead and take her. The servant converts to Judaism right there nd gives them all jewels. They eat some more and party down and in the morning the servant wants to go home. Rebekah's mother and brother ask for 10 more days, but the servant is impatient. Finally, they think to ask Rebekah what she wants, and she says to go with the servant. So Rebekah and her nurse leave with Abraham's entourage with their blessing.
Isaac comes home and goes out to the field to meditate. He looks up and sees the camel train. Rebekah looks up and sees him and gets off her camel. She asks the servant who he is, and he says Isaac, so she covers herself. The servant tells Isaac about his adventures and he takes Rebekah to Sarah's tent, even though Sarah died in the last chapter, and they get married and Rebekah is a comfort after his mother's death. Now, a good copy-editor would have put this chapter before the last one, so as to avoid confusion, but apparently they didn't have those back then.
Chapter 25
After Sarah's death, Abraham takes another wife. Or rather, concubine. Even the sincere Christians don't really know. Anyway, her name is Keturah, and even though Isaac has always been referred to as Abraham's only son, she has 6 more. This also despite all the help he apparently needed to father Isaac. Maybe Sarah was just exhausting.
Anyway, despite these last 6 sons, Abraham still leaves all his property to Isaac. That isn't going to cause any resentment. He also sends them away with gifts before his death.
Finally, Abraham dies at 175. I had no idea that the expression gave up the ghost (v. 8) was biblical. You learn something new every day. Isaac and Ishmael, apparently back from the wilderness, bury him in the cave of Machpelah, which he bought two chapters ago, and which is still contested. God then blesses Isaac.
We find out the names of Ishmael's 12 sons, who become princes, and that he lived to be 137.
Isaac married Rebekah at age 40, and it turns out that she is also barren, until Isaac prays. Then she conceives twins. Even in the womb, they struggle, so she asks god why. He explains they're going to found two nations, but one will be stronger than the other. He also says it's going to be a reversal of sorts: the older brother will become the younger one's servant.
Rebekah goes into labour, and the first is Esau, red all over like a hairy garment which is pretty mean about a baby, then the brother comes out and takes his brother's heel, so he is Jacob.
Like many twins, the boys grow up opposites. Esau is a hunter, Jacob a city boy preferring the tents. Isaac loves Esau because he likes venison but Rebekah prefers Jacob.
Jacob is a soup-seller and one day Esau comes in hungry from the fields and asks him for a bit of it. Jacob says he'll give it to him in exchange for his birthright. Esau thinks he's literally going to die, so his birthright isn't much use, so he agrees. I wonder if my siblings would do the same? Quite possibly. So he agrees and gives it to his brother.
Genesis Chapters 10 & 11
Chapter 10
Hot diggity-dog! Another begat chapter. I thought they were in books that could easily be avoided. Anyway, this describes how the sons of Noah repopulated the earth, and the geographical regions they did it in. Japeth starts the Gentiles, Ham the Canaanites and Shem's descendants don't have a name. The only funny thing is that Japeth has a son named Gomer.
Chapter 11
And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech (v.1) Except for in the last chapter, where it totally wasn't. 10.5: and very one after his tongue 10.20 &31:after their tongues, in their countries.
Anyway, people start moving east and they found a city named Shinar. They decide to build a tower that will reach the sky so they can reach heaven, become omnipotent, and stay together. God comes along and sees the tower being built and decides the problem here is the fact everybody speaks one language. Except they totally don't if the last chapter is true. Goodness, how do biblical literalists reconcile all this? Oh yes, and god is using plural pronouns again, which Jerry ignores, but my uncensored bible tells me is because the Israelites were polytheists.
God's solution? Make everybody speak different languages, and as if that isn't enough, scatter them. I said a couple of entries ago that he's like an angry six year old who loses at Monopoly and throws the board across the room. That still seems pretty apt to me. The people stop building the tower, which it seems like he could have just asked them to do, no? According to Jerry, the profusion of languages upon the face of the earth is a punishment for sin. I remember a line from one of his ilk in the documentary Religulous by Bill Maher, who says, 'If English is good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me.' And I'll leave it at that.
The last two-thirds of the chapter is devoted to yet another genealogy. Now, in 6.3, God limits the human lifespan to 120 years, so riddle me this: how does Shem then live to be 600? And his son 438? It keeps going through the next 10 generations. Also, for those keeping track, we have advanced over 2300 years in these 11 chapters, which if we take the young end of Jerry's estimate of the age of the earth (5700 years), the pyramids have been up for a thousand years and the Trojan war is happening in Greece.
Anyway, the genealogy ends with Abraham and his barren wife Sarah, who go to Canaan.
Hot diggity-dog! Another begat chapter. I thought they were in books that could easily be avoided. Anyway, this describes how the sons of Noah repopulated the earth, and the geographical regions they did it in. Japeth starts the Gentiles, Ham the Canaanites and Shem's descendants don't have a name. The only funny thing is that Japeth has a son named Gomer.
Chapter 11
And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech (v.1) Except for in the last chapter, where it totally wasn't. 10.5: and very one after his tongue 10.20 &31:after their tongues, in their countries.
Anyway, people start moving east and they found a city named Shinar. They decide to build a tower that will reach the sky so they can reach heaven, become omnipotent, and stay together. God comes along and sees the tower being built and decides the problem here is the fact everybody speaks one language. Except they totally don't if the last chapter is true. Goodness, how do biblical literalists reconcile all this? Oh yes, and god is using plural pronouns again, which Jerry ignores, but my uncensored bible tells me is because the Israelites were polytheists.
God's solution? Make everybody speak different languages, and as if that isn't enough, scatter them. I said a couple of entries ago that he's like an angry six year old who loses at Monopoly and throws the board across the room. That still seems pretty apt to me. The people stop building the tower, which it seems like he could have just asked them to do, no? According to Jerry, the profusion of languages upon the face of the earth is a punishment for sin. I remember a line from one of his ilk in the documentary Religulous by Bill Maher, who says, 'If English is good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me.' And I'll leave it at that.
The last two-thirds of the chapter is devoted to yet another genealogy. Now, in 6.3, God limits the human lifespan to 120 years, so riddle me this: how does Shem then live to be 600? And his son 438? It keeps going through the next 10 generations. Also, for those keeping track, we have advanced over 2300 years in these 11 chapters, which if we take the young end of Jerry's estimate of the age of the earth (5700 years), the pyramids have been up for a thousand years and the Trojan war is happening in Greece.
Anyway, the genealogy ends with Abraham and his barren wife Sarah, who go to Canaan.
Genesis Chapter 9
Goodness. Sex, drugs, slavery, death, this chapter has it all!
Okay, so god gives Noah and his sons permission to leave the ark, and commands them to repopulate the earth. It would have gone faster if they'd had more than one wife each, no?
He then tells them all the animals are now going to be afraid of humans, and we get to be in charge of them. He also gives us permission to eat their flesh, though not their blood. Tom remarked last night that I am now going to be able to catch all kinds of references in everything I see and read, and here's an example right here: in The Merchant of Venice Shylock's bloodthirsty persecution of Antonio ends when the wise Portia, disguised as a judge, points out that his contract says he can have a pound of flesh, but not a pound of blood. Slightly less entertaining, this is the verse (4) that causes Jehovah's Witnesses to refuse blood transfusions but flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
God also alls for blood sacrifices of men and animals in verse 5, but Jerry glosses over that because he's too excited about verse 6, which says the punishment for murder is death. Never mind that in chapter 4, verse 15, this selfsame god puts a mark upon Cain to let other people know they shouldn't hurt him, Jerry only has room in his head to interpret one verse, and he's chosen the one that suits his belief system.
God then gives humans the right of self-government. He promises not to flood the earth again and as a token of his regret, he gives us, get ready for it, rainbows. Thanks. He promises that any time it rains, there will be a rainbow to remind everyone he has promised not to flood us out.
So Noah takes up the profession of animal husbandry and also plants a vineyard. He promptly drinks the wine and passes out naked in his tent. Now, Jerry is very eager here to point out that Noah's drunkeness is a mistake, because of the changes to the earth wrought by the flood, the event so significant in his own brand of religious craziness that this is the only mention of said changes, and also because in ch. 6, he's the only righteous man left on earth.
One of his sons, Ham wanders past and sees the scene, then tells his brothers. And it's right here that I decide I need to buy the uncensored bible, because according to Jerry, this is completely innocent, but according to them, Ham rapes his dad. I'd really like to find out the mindset of the people who came up with this scene. Also, it explains the next part a lot better.
Ham's brothers, Shem and Japeth, are so scandalised by this that they can't even look their father in the genitalia, they took a garment and lait it upon both their shoulders and went backwards and covered the nakedness of their father (v. 23). When the old man wakes up he remembers what happened. Which is, at least in Jerry's telling, that he saw his dad naked and told his brothers. But the Old Testament is never one for letting the punishment suit the crime. So Noah, rather than punishing his son the gossip, punishes Canaan, his grandson.
His sentence is to be Shem and Japeth's servant, which many have interpreted as slave. Now, if Jerry had been writing this in the 1960s, when he opposed Brown vs. Board of Ed and Martin Luther King Jr., he'd have told you the Canaanites were black, but now he's a great pains to tell you they were white. Actually, they probably looked like everyone else who lives in the Middle East. He also wants us to know the Canaanites practised ritual prostitution, homosexuality, and orgiastic rites before they were conquered by the Israelites and the Japethic Romans, who just so happen to be the authors of this book, so maybe all of that isn't true.
Finally we find out Noah died at 950.
Okay, so god gives Noah and his sons permission to leave the ark, and commands them to repopulate the earth. It would have gone faster if they'd had more than one wife each, no?
He then tells them all the animals are now going to be afraid of humans, and we get to be in charge of them. He also gives us permission to eat their flesh, though not their blood. Tom remarked last night that I am now going to be able to catch all kinds of references in everything I see and read, and here's an example right here: in The Merchant of Venice Shylock's bloodthirsty persecution of Antonio ends when the wise Portia, disguised as a judge, points out that his contract says he can have a pound of flesh, but not a pound of blood. Slightly less entertaining, this is the verse (4) that causes Jehovah's Witnesses to refuse blood transfusions but flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
God also alls for blood sacrifices of men and animals in verse 5, but Jerry glosses over that because he's too excited about verse 6, which says the punishment for murder is death. Never mind that in chapter 4, verse 15, this selfsame god puts a mark upon Cain to let other people know they shouldn't hurt him, Jerry only has room in his head to interpret one verse, and he's chosen the one that suits his belief system.
God then gives humans the right of self-government. He promises not to flood the earth again and as a token of his regret, he gives us, get ready for it, rainbows. Thanks. He promises that any time it rains, there will be a rainbow to remind everyone he has promised not to flood us out.
So Noah takes up the profession of animal husbandry and also plants a vineyard. He promptly drinks the wine and passes out naked in his tent. Now, Jerry is very eager here to point out that Noah's drunkeness is a mistake, because of the changes to the earth wrought by the flood, the event so significant in his own brand of religious craziness that this is the only mention of said changes, and also because in ch. 6, he's the only righteous man left on earth.
One of his sons, Ham wanders past and sees the scene, then tells his brothers. And it's right here that I decide I need to buy the uncensored bible, because according to Jerry, this is completely innocent, but according to them, Ham rapes his dad. I'd really like to find out the mindset of the people who came up with this scene. Also, it explains the next part a lot better.
Ham's brothers, Shem and Japeth, are so scandalised by this that they can't even look their father in the genitalia, they took a garment and lait it upon both their shoulders and went backwards and covered the nakedness of their father (v. 23). When the old man wakes up he remembers what happened. Which is, at least in Jerry's telling, that he saw his dad naked and told his brothers. But the Old Testament is never one for letting the punishment suit the crime. So Noah, rather than punishing his son the gossip, punishes Canaan, his grandson.
His sentence is to be Shem and Japeth's servant, which many have interpreted as slave. Now, if Jerry had been writing this in the 1960s, when he opposed Brown vs. Board of Ed and Martin Luther King Jr., he'd have told you the Canaanites were black, but now he's a great pains to tell you they were white. Actually, they probably looked like everyone else who lives in the Middle East. He also wants us to know the Canaanites practised ritual prostitution, homosexuality, and orgiastic rites before they were conquered by the Israelites and the Japethic Romans, who just so happen to be the authors of this book, so maybe all of that isn't true.
Finally we find out Noah died at 950.
Genesis Chapters 6-8
Given this is the whole flood story, it made sense to put it into one note, no?
Chapter 6
Women cannot catch a break in this book. So here people are starting to multiply, and some of that multiplication is naturally of the female persuasion. The sons of God (v.2), who, according to Jerry, are decidedly not angels, but the descendants of Seth, intermarry with the daughters of men. Somehow this displeases god, so he limits the human lifespan to 120 years. The resulting children have evil imaginations, so god decides humans weren't such a good idea after all, and to kill us all, along with the animals in a giant flood. Kind of like a 6 year old who loses at Monopoly and throws the board in the air, this particular god. Of course, Jerry is at great pains to point out this is not god admitting he made a mistake, his resetting the game from zero is a 'change of direction.'
There is one spark of hope: Noah has somehow stayed good through all of this, so god saves him and his family, and tells them to build an ark. He gives him very detailed instructions about its dimensions and then tells him to gather two of each kind of animal together, plus food for all of them, and he does.
Chapter 7
God gives Noah further instructions about the ark, telling im to take 14 of each of the 'clean' animals (according to the dietary rules set down in Leviticus, apparently) and 2 of each of the 'unclean' animals (v. 2). I don't see why the animals have to die in all of this, considering god started all this because of the evilness of the human imagination. Also, he wants to destroy every living creature, but in chapter 1, he creates whales and fishes, which probably like it better when there's more water, no?
Anyway, like an evil mastermind explaining his dastardly plan, he tells Noah he's going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and destroy everything (v. 4).
So Noah takes everything in with him and the world starts filling up until the ark starts to float. The rain keeps going until it's 15 cubits (22.5 feet) above the highest mountain and everything drowns, except presumably the whales and fishes, who don't notice a thing, though the only survivors mentioned are Noah and his crew. The water stays for 150 days.
Chapter 8
Finally, the waters recede and the ark comes to rest somewhere in the mountains of Ararat (v. 4). Noah first sends out a raven to see if the water has retreated, but it hasn't. Next he sends out a dove, which also fails to find dry land. A week later, it goes out and this time, it comes back with an olive branch, which doesn't make any sense if god has killed every living thing, and which Jerry ignores.
Just to be safe Noah waits another week and takes the cover off the ark, and discovers the land is dry. God tells him to leave and take all the animals with him. He commands them all to be fruitful and multiply, though there doesn't seem to be anything for them to eat except each other, which would seem problematic. Again, Jerry has nothing to say.
Next on Noah's priority list is to build an alter and sacrifice all the 'clean' beasts, which would decimate their populations, no? But anyway, god likes this and promises not to destroy the planet anymore, because man's heart is evil from the get-go. So he caused a flood and killed everything because he saw man was evil, then promises not to do it again because man is evil?
I'm quite surprised at Jerry's lack of footnotes here. What I've read about young Earth creationists suggests that this singular episode is the defining geological moment for our planet: it is responsible for everything from the current absence of dinosaurs to the Grand Canyon. Considering how eager he was in chapter one to point out that the words leave no ambiguity as to the possibility of evolution, he has nary a word to say here about the significance of this event.
Chapter 6
Women cannot catch a break in this book. So here people are starting to multiply, and some of that multiplication is naturally of the female persuasion. The sons of God (v.2), who, according to Jerry, are decidedly not angels, but the descendants of Seth, intermarry with the daughters of men. Somehow this displeases god, so he limits the human lifespan to 120 years. The resulting children have evil imaginations, so god decides humans weren't such a good idea after all, and to kill us all, along with the animals in a giant flood. Kind of like a 6 year old who loses at Monopoly and throws the board in the air, this particular god. Of course, Jerry is at great pains to point out this is not god admitting he made a mistake, his resetting the game from zero is a 'change of direction.'
There is one spark of hope: Noah has somehow stayed good through all of this, so god saves him and his family, and tells them to build an ark. He gives him very detailed instructions about its dimensions and then tells him to gather two of each kind of animal together, plus food for all of them, and he does.
Chapter 7
God gives Noah further instructions about the ark, telling im to take 14 of each of the 'clean' animals (according to the dietary rules set down in Leviticus, apparently) and 2 of each of the 'unclean' animals (v. 2). I don't see why the animals have to die in all of this, considering god started all this because of the evilness of the human imagination. Also, he wants to destroy every living creature, but in chapter 1, he creates whales and fishes, which probably like it better when there's more water, no?
Anyway, like an evil mastermind explaining his dastardly plan, he tells Noah he's going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and destroy everything (v. 4).
So Noah takes everything in with him and the world starts filling up until the ark starts to float. The rain keeps going until it's 15 cubits (22.5 feet) above the highest mountain and everything drowns, except presumably the whales and fishes, who don't notice a thing, though the only survivors mentioned are Noah and his crew. The water stays for 150 days.
Chapter 8
Finally, the waters recede and the ark comes to rest somewhere in the mountains of Ararat (v. 4). Noah first sends out a raven to see if the water has retreated, but it hasn't. Next he sends out a dove, which also fails to find dry land. A week later, it goes out and this time, it comes back with an olive branch, which doesn't make any sense if god has killed every living thing, and which Jerry ignores.
Just to be safe Noah waits another week and takes the cover off the ark, and discovers the land is dry. God tells him to leave and take all the animals with him. He commands them all to be fruitful and multiply, though there doesn't seem to be anything for them to eat except each other, which would seem problematic. Again, Jerry has nothing to say.
Next on Noah's priority list is to build an alter and sacrifice all the 'clean' beasts, which would decimate their populations, no? But anyway, god likes this and promises not to destroy the planet anymore, because man's heart is evil from the get-go. So he caused a flood and killed everything because he saw man was evil, then promises not to do it again because man is evil?
I'm quite surprised at Jerry's lack of footnotes here. What I've read about young Earth creationists suggests that this singular episode is the defining geological moment for our planet: it is responsible for everything from the current absence of dinosaurs to the Grand Canyon. Considering how eager he was in chapter one to point out that the words leave no ambiguity as to the possibility of evolution, he has nary a word to say here about the significance of this event.
Genesis Chapter 5
Chapter 5
There isn't much to say about Chapter 5. It whizzes through 1500 years, naming Adam's descendants. The line goes: Adam --> Seth --> Enos --> Cainan --> Mahalaleel --> Jared --> Enoch --> Methuselah --> Lamech --> Noah --> Shem, Ham and Japeth.
You may notice that's only 11 generations over 1500 years. Biblical patriarchs had kids late, between 65 and 500 years. They also lived between 365 and 962 years. I hope the retirement age was older then! This is also the first chapter in which girls are born, though none of them get names.
Oh yes. I almost forgot. All of the patriarchs died, except Enoch, who walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. (v. 24) According to Jerry, this means that Enoch reconciled with god, and the reward was victory over death. Ironically, Jerry died 2 years ago.
There isn't much to say about Chapter 5. It whizzes through 1500 years, naming Adam's descendants. The line goes: Adam --> Seth --> Enos --> Cainan --> Mahalaleel --> Jared --> Enoch --> Methuselah --> Lamech --> Noah --> Shem, Ham and Japeth.
You may notice that's only 11 generations over 1500 years. Biblical patriarchs had kids late, between 65 and 500 years. They also lived between 365 and 962 years. I hope the retirement age was older then! This is also the first chapter in which girls are born, though none of them get names.
Oh yes. I almost forgot. All of the patriarchs died, except Enoch, who walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. (v. 24) According to Jerry, this means that Enoch reconciled with god, and the reward was victory over death. Ironically, Jerry died 2 years ago.
Genesis Chapter 4
Goodness, the plot just crackles along in this book, doesn't it? We have the first instance of biblical sex in v. 1 Adam knew Eve his wife... and the first murder just 7 verses later And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against his brother, and slew him. Ah, sibling rivalry. I used to eat my McDonald's really slowly so I'd be the last one eating and my siblings would be jealous. Didn't work though: my dad just ate all my fries. But I digress. So why does Cain kill his brother? Well, according to Jerry, Abel's offering of the firstlings of his flock (v.4) was a blood sacrifice and his sin deserved death and could only be covered by the death of a guiltless sacrifice. Also, it was the given with the right attitude. I think he's extrapolating pretty heavily here, as the text doesn't really specify, it just says he rejected it.
God discovers the murder pretty quickly of course. Jerry jumps all over the line Thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground (v.10) because it shows that abortion is a sin. Of course, he is silent when God puts a mark upon Cain in verse 15 and vows to punish anyone who touches him sevenfold, because his god is anti-abortion but pro-death penalty, see.
Anyway, Cain leaves and goes to the land of Nod, which Jerry thinks is for unsaved people, which does take away some of the whimsy. He somehow finds a wife, another factoid Jerry doesn't deal with, has a son, and founds a city. Verse 18 moves us forward through the next 4 generations at a dizzying pace: Enoch, Irad, Mehujael, Methusael apparently didn't amount to much, and where they found wives gets nary a mention. Finally, Methusael has a son Lamech, who is noteworthy for having two wives: Adah and Zillah. Now, Jerry of course says that the Cananites engage in polygamy because they're the descendants of a sinner, so it will be interesting to see what he makes of other biblical polygamists as we go along.
Lamech's other accomplishment is the second murder. We don't know if he gets punished, but he does vow that if anyone who murders Cain will get a 7-fold punishment, anyone who hurts him gets a 77-fold punishment.
The chapter ends by telling us Adam and Eve have sex yet again and the result is Seth, whose son Enos finally returns humanity to the fold.
All that plot advancement in 2.5 pages. East of Eden, which is an allegory of this chapter, is what, 500+?
God discovers the murder pretty quickly of course. Jerry jumps all over the line Thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground (v.10) because it shows that abortion is a sin. Of course, he is silent when God puts a mark upon Cain in verse 15 and vows to punish anyone who touches him sevenfold, because his god is anti-abortion but pro-death penalty, see.
Anyway, Cain leaves and goes to the land of Nod, which Jerry thinks is for unsaved people, which does take away some of the whimsy. He somehow finds a wife, another factoid Jerry doesn't deal with, has a son, and founds a city. Verse 18 moves us forward through the next 4 generations at a dizzying pace: Enoch, Irad, Mehujael, Methusael apparently didn't amount to much, and where they found wives gets nary a mention. Finally, Methusael has a son Lamech, who is noteworthy for having two wives: Adah and Zillah. Now, Jerry of course says that the Cananites engage in polygamy because they're the descendants of a sinner, so it will be interesting to see what he makes of other biblical polygamists as we go along.
Lamech's other accomplishment is the second murder. We don't know if he gets punished, but he does vow that if anyone who murders Cain will get a 7-fold punishment, anyone who hurts him gets a 77-fold punishment.
The chapter ends by telling us Adam and Eve have sex yet again and the result is Seth, whose son Enos finally returns humanity to the fold.
All that plot advancement in 2.5 pages. East of Eden, which is an allegory of this chapter, is what, 500+?
Genesis Chapter 3
Eve is tempted, she then tempts Adam, they hide from God, and are booted out of the garden. In 24 short verses. Wow. Paradise Lost retells these same 3 chapters in 400 pages.
Love how Adam immediately rats Eve out when God sees they're hiding and nekkid, and doesn't even mention the serpent. Oh, and how suddenly she isn't his wife anymore, but the woman whom thou gavest like when Tom doesn't want to deal with the litter box so he'll say, 'Your cat did something.' And I love how Jerry's footnotes to verse 12 (And the man said, 'The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I did eat) is, 'Adam blamed the woman and God, since God was the one who brought her to Adam. And then is footnote to verse 13 (And the Lord God said unto the woman, what is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, 'The serpent beguiled me and I did eat') is 'Eve did not take responsibility for eating, either. Blame-shifting is another evasive tactic employed by the fallen man.'
I also love how all throughout this chapter, and actually in the first two as well, the number of gods is just all over the map. In both 1:26 (And God said, let us make man in our image) and 3:22 (Behold, the man is become as one of us), god is plural, but in 3:12 (I commanded), 3:15 (I will put enmity) 3:16 (I will greatly multiply they sorrow), well, you get the picture, there is only one. Of course, Jerry ignores that little contradiction. Polytheism is just too much to deal with when you've got to scour the book for reasons to condemn homosexuals and 'prove' evolution is a lie.
Finally, I've always wondered about these little 'tests' that god is always setting up for man in the Old Testament. Like 'Oh, I'll just put this tree here for no particular reason, then tell you not to eat any of its fruit, then act all offended when you do.' The New Yorker ran an article this year about an experiment in which little kids were sat at a table in front of a marshmallow, and told they could eat it now, or wait 15 minutes, then get two. Then the experimenter left the room and went behind a one-way mirror to see what the kids would do. Most of them caved in 3 minutes. Kinda like Eve here. So there you go: the bible might not have much insight as to evolution, but it's spot-on about human behaviour.
Love how Adam immediately rats Eve out when God sees they're hiding and nekkid, and doesn't even mention the serpent. Oh, and how suddenly she isn't his wife anymore, but the woman whom thou gavest like when Tom doesn't want to deal with the litter box so he'll say, 'Your cat did something.' And I love how Jerry's footnotes to verse 12 (And the man said, 'The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I did eat) is, 'Adam blamed the woman and God, since God was the one who brought her to Adam. And then is footnote to verse 13 (And the Lord God said unto the woman, what is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, 'The serpent beguiled me and I did eat') is 'Eve did not take responsibility for eating, either. Blame-shifting is another evasive tactic employed by the fallen man.'
I also love how all throughout this chapter, and actually in the first two as well, the number of gods is just all over the map. In both 1:26 (And God said, let us make man in our image) and 3:22 (Behold, the man is become as one of us), god is plural, but in 3:12 (I commanded), 3:15 (I will put enmity) 3:16 (I will greatly multiply they sorrow), well, you get the picture, there is only one. Of course, Jerry ignores that little contradiction. Polytheism is just too much to deal with when you've got to scour the book for reasons to condemn homosexuals and 'prove' evolution is a lie.
Finally, I've always wondered about these little 'tests' that god is always setting up for man in the Old Testament. Like 'Oh, I'll just put this tree here for no particular reason, then tell you not to eat any of its fruit, then act all offended when you do.' The New Yorker ran an article this year about an experiment in which little kids were sat at a table in front of a marshmallow, and told they could eat it now, or wait 15 minutes, then get two. Then the experimenter left the room and went behind a one-way mirror to see what the kids would do. Most of them caved in 3 minutes. Kinda like Eve here. So there you go: the bible might not have much insight as to evolution, but it's spot-on about human behaviour.
Genesis Chapters 1 & 2
Chapter 1, Verse 1 of the book of Genesis: In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. A fairly standard opening. Here is Jerry's note to that:
Creation marks the absolute beginning of the temporal and material world. The traditional Jewish and Christian belief is that Genesis 1:1 declares that God created the original heaven and earth from nothing and that verse 2 clarifies that when it came from the Creator's hand, the mass was 'without form, and void,' unformed and without any life. The rest of the chapter then explains the process of Creation in detail. There is no evidence in the Hebrew text for long ages of evolutionary development or a gap of times int he Old Testament.
... sound of crickets chirping...
Ooookay then Good thing I have Landover Baptist, who also and The Skeptic's Annotated Bible.
Without further ado, Genesis 1:
Well, Ricky Gervais does it far better than I ever could.
To me, this seems like a pretty straightforward creation myth, not that different from any other. Of course, Jerry goes nuts, pointing out that plants and fruits are created in verse 11 whereas sea life doesn't emerge until verse 20, so therefore everything Charles Darwin says is an outright lie. He also glosses over the fact that men and women are created at the same time in this particular chapter.
Genesis 2:
Jerry ignores the fact that this is a completely different creation myth. In chapter 1, the order goes: plants, animals, man (and woman). In the second, it goes: man, plants, animals, woman. He also fails to address the fact that Eve was created because Adam couldn't find a suitable help meet among the animals. No, what he mostly wants to focus on is exhorting people to form good Christian marriages, where women are equal to men at the same time as they are inferior, since Adam naming Woman is a sign of his dominion over her. Good luck, ladies!
Creation marks the absolute beginning of the temporal and material world. The traditional Jewish and Christian belief is that Genesis 1:1 declares that God created the original heaven and earth from nothing and that verse 2 clarifies that when it came from the Creator's hand, the mass was 'without form, and void,' unformed and without any life. The rest of the chapter then explains the process of Creation in detail. There is no evidence in the Hebrew text for long ages of evolutionary development or a gap of times int he Old Testament.
... sound of crickets chirping...
Ooookay then Good thing I have Landover Baptist, who also and The Skeptic's Annotated Bible.
Without further ado, Genesis 1:
Well, Ricky Gervais does it far better than I ever could.
To me, this seems like a pretty straightforward creation myth, not that different from any other. Of course, Jerry goes nuts, pointing out that plants and fruits are created in verse 11 whereas sea life doesn't emerge until verse 20, so therefore everything Charles Darwin says is an outright lie. He also glosses over the fact that men and women are created at the same time in this particular chapter.
Genesis 2:
Jerry ignores the fact that this is a completely different creation myth. In chapter 1, the order goes: plants, animals, man (and woman). In the second, it goes: man, plants, animals, woman. He also fails to address the fact that Eve was created because Adam couldn't find a suitable help meet among the animals. No, what he mostly wants to focus on is exhorting people to form good Christian marriages, where women are equal to men at the same time as they are inferior, since Adam naming Woman is a sign of his dominion over her. Good luck, ladies!
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