Chapter 32
A song! However, with lyrics like They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust (v. 24), Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.
Apparently, the wine of the Israelites' enemies is poisonous to dragons. Ah, so that's why we don't have any. No word yet on why the unicorns, which god is apparently stronger than, are no longer with us. Too many cage matches with god, maybe?
God then commands Moses to go up Mount Nebo and look on Canaan before his death.
Chapter 33
A repeat of the blessings of the 12 tribes, as given by Jacob at the end of Genesis.
Reuben gets a tepid blessing that he will survive and multiply.
Judah will lead the army into battle.
The Levites will be the priests and educators and guardians of the Thummim and Urim coin that gives yes-no answers.
Benjamin will live in safety.
Joseph will enrich the other tribes. We also find out that the horns of his cattle are like the horns of unicorns, so apparently those are still around. No word on sasquatch.
Zebulin will prosper in the seas.
The Gadites will also be successful in battle, as will Dan.
Napthali will live happily to the south and west.
Asher will have a successful olive-growing operation.
Chapter 34
Moses goes up the mountain and dies. How he managed to write about that is not explained. Then he's buried in an 'unknown' grave in Moab. The people mourn for him for 30 days, then Joshua somehow inherits his wisdom and becomes the new leader and author of the next book.
Showing posts with label Jacob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jacob. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Genesis Chapters 47-50
Chapter 47
Joseph introduces his brother to Pharaoh, who, just as predicted, asks them what they do, and they tell him they are shepherds. They ask to graze their flocks in Goshen because the famine is bad in Canaan. Pharaoh tells Joseph to give them Goshen, and they can even herd his cattle.
Joseph presents Israel as well, though in this chapter they're calling him Jacob again. Pharaoh asks how old he is, and he says 130 tumultuous years, unlike his ancestors, who had calm lives of up to 950 years. Then he blesses Pharaoh.
Joseph gives his brothers and father land in Ramses. Jerry flops around trying to explain this contradiction, since according to him, this is the real-time history of the world, and it should only be about 2500 BC, but the Ramses dynasty didn't start until 1319 BC. He says it's an anachronism, a modernization, a mistranslation, anything but the truth, that this isn't a very accurate book.
Anyway, he gives his family bread, but soon there is no bread and people are starting to die. Joseph gathers all the money he made selling corn to everyone and brings it to Pharaoh. What good is that going to do? It's like that movie recently where the world was going to end, but there was a spaceship that you could buy a ticket on for one billion dollars. What good was it going to do to have a bunch of Russian oligarchs in space? Besides better-quality vodka, I mean.
Sorry, I keep getting side-tracked. There's no money, because Joseph gave it all to Pharaoh. People come to Joseph and ask for bread, and right here Joseph becomes Chairman Mao. Rather than being charitable, he says he'll give them bread for their livestock. He does, but a year later they're back, and this time he takes their land and labour. So you see, now they're serfs. Then he orders them off the land and into the cities. So Joseph and Pharaoh now have control of the currency, the capital (livestock), the land, and the labour. They have complete control over anything that happens in the country. Is this what Jerry aspires to? Geez, no wonder the Pharaohs thought they were gods. The only people whose land he doesn't have is the priests, who have a contract.
Joseph lords it over everybody, saying he owns them and handing out seeds to them. He explains that they are now sharecroppers and will have to give 20% to Pharaoh. The people, mistaking power for morality, thank him and agree to the deal, because hey, he could have said 50%, right?
Israel, of course, is thriving. He lives there for another 17 years, until he's 147 and near death. He calls Joseph to him and makes him swear on his testicles not to bury him in Egypt.
Chapter 48
Israel's death scene redux. This time, Joseph brings his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Israel tells him the story of god appearing to him at Luz. He tells his son that Manasseh and Ephraim are his now, but that Joseph can keep any he has after this. I hope the Moral Majority is taking note here of what traditional family life entails: giving your kids to your parents on a whim.
Then the story gets even more confusing, because Israel suddenly asks Joseph who those two kids are. Is he senile here? Anyway, Joseph says they're his kids. Israel says to bring them, and he'll bless them. Israel is going blind, so he can't see them as he hugs and kisses them. Joseph holds Ephraim's hand in his right hand, and Manasseh's in his left and presents them to his father, and puts Manasseh's hand in his father's right hand. Israel reaches out and puts his right hand on Ephraim's head, and his left on Manasseh's head, even though Manasseh is the first born. He blesses Joseph and the boys.
Joseph notices that his father's right hand is on Ephraim's head, and is displeased. He tries to move it onto Manasseh's head instead, explaining which is the first born. Israel says he knows it, but Ephraim's going to be more important, so that's the one who gets the better blessing, because Israel hasn't learned anything from his own history. He tells Joseph he's getting an extra portion in his inheritance.
Chapter 49
Israel, still refusing to die, predicts the future for his sons. Jerry has nothing to say about fortune-telling, though I have no doubt that anyone outside the messianic line who does it is not allowed into the Moral Majority or Liberty U. He tells Reuben he won't excel in life because of his early sex with his mother. How's that for a late fuck you from your dear old dad? He basically calls Simeon and Levi psychotic serial killers, which they are, and curses them. He praises Judah for his loyalty and says the others have to worship him now. He blesses him with wine and milk. Zebulun, whom we haven't heard much about, will live by the sea and make a harbour. Issachar will be a good worker. Dan will be a treacherous judge. Gad will be invaded, but will win at the end. Asher will be a baker. Naphtali will be pretty and speaks well. Joseph will have lots of kids and good land. Benjamin will be a plunderer. He asks to be buried in the cave Abraham bought, and he finally dies. In Egypt. Despite what god promised him before. Apparently, this is an accurate description of the state the Israelite tribes were in at the time: the Simeonites and Levites were a mess, Judahs tribe was strong.
Chapter 50
Joseph mourns and orders his father embalmed. He mourns the requisite 70 days it takes a body to mummify (but he's not a pagan!) and asks the Pharaoh to release him so he can take his father to Canaan. Pharaoh says no problem. They all go, and stop in Atad and mourn again for seven days. The people see this and change the name of the place. They contine on and bury him in Machpelah.
When Joseph goes back, his brothers worry he might hate them. They send him a message supposedly written by their father before his death saying to forgive them. Joseph cries, like he does every other verse. They all fall down before him and agree to be his servants. He explains that what they thought was evil was in fact good, and saved a lot of people. Who are now sharecroppers rather than landowners.
Anyway, Joseph promises to take care of them. Joseph lives to 110, and he meets his great-great-grandchildren by Ephraim, and also one of Manasseh's kids sticks around. Joseph has a much shorter death scene than his father, saying only I die, and god will visit you and send you back to Canaan. He asks them to take his body to Canaan, but he's buried in Egypt.
Joseph introduces his brother to Pharaoh, who, just as predicted, asks them what they do, and they tell him they are shepherds. They ask to graze their flocks in Goshen because the famine is bad in Canaan. Pharaoh tells Joseph to give them Goshen, and they can even herd his cattle.
Joseph presents Israel as well, though in this chapter they're calling him Jacob again. Pharaoh asks how old he is, and he says 130 tumultuous years, unlike his ancestors, who had calm lives of up to 950 years. Then he blesses Pharaoh.
Joseph gives his brothers and father land in Ramses. Jerry flops around trying to explain this contradiction, since according to him, this is the real-time history of the world, and it should only be about 2500 BC, but the Ramses dynasty didn't start until 1319 BC. He says it's an anachronism, a modernization, a mistranslation, anything but the truth, that this isn't a very accurate book.
Anyway, he gives his family bread, but soon there is no bread and people are starting to die. Joseph gathers all the money he made selling corn to everyone and brings it to Pharaoh. What good is that going to do? It's like that movie recently where the world was going to end, but there was a spaceship that you could buy a ticket on for one billion dollars. What good was it going to do to have a bunch of Russian oligarchs in space? Besides better-quality vodka, I mean.
Sorry, I keep getting side-tracked. There's no money, because Joseph gave it all to Pharaoh. People come to Joseph and ask for bread, and right here Joseph becomes Chairman Mao. Rather than being charitable, he says he'll give them bread for their livestock. He does, but a year later they're back, and this time he takes their land and labour. So you see, now they're serfs. Then he orders them off the land and into the cities. So Joseph and Pharaoh now have control of the currency, the capital (livestock), the land, and the labour. They have complete control over anything that happens in the country. Is this what Jerry aspires to? Geez, no wonder the Pharaohs thought they were gods. The only people whose land he doesn't have is the priests, who have a contract.
Joseph lords it over everybody, saying he owns them and handing out seeds to them. He explains that they are now sharecroppers and will have to give 20% to Pharaoh. The people, mistaking power for morality, thank him and agree to the deal, because hey, he could have said 50%, right?
Israel, of course, is thriving. He lives there for another 17 years, until he's 147 and near death. He calls Joseph to him and makes him swear on his testicles not to bury him in Egypt.
Chapter 48
Israel's death scene redux. This time, Joseph brings his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Israel tells him the story of god appearing to him at Luz. He tells his son that Manasseh and Ephraim are his now, but that Joseph can keep any he has after this. I hope the Moral Majority is taking note here of what traditional family life entails: giving your kids to your parents on a whim.
Then the story gets even more confusing, because Israel suddenly asks Joseph who those two kids are. Is he senile here? Anyway, Joseph says they're his kids. Israel says to bring them, and he'll bless them. Israel is going blind, so he can't see them as he hugs and kisses them. Joseph holds Ephraim's hand in his right hand, and Manasseh's in his left and presents them to his father, and puts Manasseh's hand in his father's right hand. Israel reaches out and puts his right hand on Ephraim's head, and his left on Manasseh's head, even though Manasseh is the first born. He blesses Joseph and the boys.
Joseph notices that his father's right hand is on Ephraim's head, and is displeased. He tries to move it onto Manasseh's head instead, explaining which is the first born. Israel says he knows it, but Ephraim's going to be more important, so that's the one who gets the better blessing, because Israel hasn't learned anything from his own history. He tells Joseph he's getting an extra portion in his inheritance.
Chapter 49
Israel, still refusing to die, predicts the future for his sons. Jerry has nothing to say about fortune-telling, though I have no doubt that anyone outside the messianic line who does it is not allowed into the Moral Majority or Liberty U. He tells Reuben he won't excel in life because of his early sex with his mother. How's that for a late fuck you from your dear old dad? He basically calls Simeon and Levi psychotic serial killers, which they are, and curses them. He praises Judah for his loyalty and says the others have to worship him now. He blesses him with wine and milk. Zebulun, whom we haven't heard much about, will live by the sea and make a harbour. Issachar will be a good worker. Dan will be a treacherous judge. Gad will be invaded, but will win at the end. Asher will be a baker. Naphtali will be pretty and speaks well. Joseph will have lots of kids and good land. Benjamin will be a plunderer. He asks to be buried in the cave Abraham bought, and he finally dies. In Egypt. Despite what god promised him before. Apparently, this is an accurate description of the state the Israelite tribes were in at the time: the Simeonites and Levites were a mess, Judahs tribe was strong.
Chapter 50
Joseph mourns and orders his father embalmed. He mourns the requisite 70 days it takes a body to mummify (but he's not a pagan!) and asks the Pharaoh to release him so he can take his father to Canaan. Pharaoh says no problem. They all go, and stop in Atad and mourn again for seven days. The people see this and change the name of the place. They contine on and bury him in Machpelah.
When Joseph goes back, his brothers worry he might hate them. They send him a message supposedly written by their father before his death saying to forgive them. Joseph cries, like he does every other verse. They all fall down before him and agree to be his servants. He explains that what they thought was evil was in fact good, and saved a lot of people. Who are now sharecroppers rather than landowners.
Anyway, Joseph promises to take care of them. Joseph lives to 110, and he meets his great-great-grandchildren by Ephraim, and also one of Manasseh's kids sticks around. Joseph has a much shorter death scene than his father, saying only I die, and god will visit you and send you back to Canaan. He asks them to take his body to Canaan, but he's buried in Egypt.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Genesis, Chapter 46
Israel sets off for Egypt. On his way, he stops to make sacrifices at the altar his father built, apparently because he remembers how much trouble Abraham caused there with his 'she's my sister' routine, and how Isaac wasn't even allowed to go. God calls him, and calls him Jacob, despite changing his name. He tells him to go to Egypt and he'll make a great nation there, and he'll return him to Canaan safely. Reassured, they all leave.
We get a packing list of every man who comes with him, along with two girls, Dinah and Sereh, daughter of Asher, son of one of his slaves. He needs a packing list, because there are 70 people in total. He sends Judah on ahead to scout out Goshen.
Joseph comes out to Goshen and hugs his father and Israel's response is now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive. (v 30) like, don't you want to catch up a little? Also, didn't god just promise to bring him back to Canaan?
Joseph tells his brothers he's going to get Pharaoh so he can introduce them all, so clearly Israel's desire to die is just histrionics and they're all used to it. He tells them he's going to tell Pharaoh they're shepherds and then Pharaoh is going to ask them about it, and they should be honest, even though the Egyptians think shepherding is an abomination. Oh, aren't cultural differences fun!
We get a packing list of every man who comes with him, along with two girls, Dinah and Sereh, daughter of Asher, son of one of his slaves. He needs a packing list, because there are 70 people in total. He sends Judah on ahead to scout out Goshen.
Joseph comes out to Goshen and hugs his father and Israel's response is now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive. (v 30) like, don't you want to catch up a little? Also, didn't god just promise to bring him back to Canaan?
Joseph tells his brothers he's going to get Pharaoh so he can introduce them all, so clearly Israel's desire to die is just histrionics and they're all used to it. He tells them he's going to tell Pharaoh they're shepherds and then Pharaoh is going to ask them about it, and they should be honest, even though the Egyptians think shepherding is an abomination. Oh, aren't cultural differences fun!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Genesis Chapters 42-45
Chapter 42
Israel/Jacob hears there is corn in Europe and he tells his sons to stop twiddling their thumbs and get down their and buy some. He keeps the youngest, Benjamin with him, but the other 10 go.
Joseph is still governor and his brothers kneel before him, because apparently money isn't enough anymore for our lovable egomaniac, he also needs worship. He recognizes them and is rude to them, but they don't recognize him, just like Shakespeare! Joseph also remembers his dreams, where the grain and the stars paid homage to him. He's not ready to forgive quite yet, though so he accuses them of spying. They go back and forth a bit, but Joseph has the last word and tells them they can't leave unless they agree to go get Benjamin. To ensure they come back, they'll have to leave one there. He keeps them all in prison for three days, where they admit their guilt over what they did to Joseph. Reuben, of course has to get an 'I told you so!' in. Joseph is listening to all of this. He cries, but still keeps Simeon back.
He fills their sacks with corn and secretly refunds the money they paid. They find it at the inn they stop at for the night. They take it as a bad omen from god.
They get home and tell their father what happened. Israel is reluctant to part with Benjamin, but Reuben says he can kill his sons if they don't bring him back. That sounds very satisfying: kill two grandsons, who are quite possibly your concubine's children, in exchange for your own son. Is this what the Moral Majority, brainchild of Jerry, thinks of when it lobbies for 'a traditional vision of family life'? Unfortunately it fails to convince Israel.
Chapter 43
The famine gets worse, and Israel asks his sons to go back to Egypt and get more grain. They remind him that they can't unless they bring Benjamin. He whines that they shouldn't have said anything about their remaining brother, but they insist that the disguised Joseph asked them if their father was alive and if they had any other brothers, and they were honest and didn't know what his demand would be.
Judah steps forward and says that Israel can also have his kids as insurance and points out that in the time they've spent arguing, they could have gone and come back. Israel finally yields and tells them to take along some presents, as well to double the money they're taking, because maybe the last time was just an oversight.
Joseph sees them and instructs his men to prepare a feast. They're afraid to go into Joseph's house, thinking he's going to enslave them. So they explain to his steward about the money, that it was still in the sacks when they got to the inn, which strikes me as dumb, because there's no way that's going to sound plausible.
The steward is more gullible than me, though, because he tells them not to worry, god restored their coffers, he still has the original coins. He brings Simeon out, and they go inside, wash their feet, take care of the donkeys, and get their presents out for Joseph.
They kneel before their brother again, who accepts the gifts and asks after their father. He sees his brother Benjamin, but is overwhelmed with emotion and has to run into his bedroom to cry. He composes himself and comes back. There's a little description of the eating arrangements: the brethren are in one room, Joseph in another, and the Egyptians in a third, because to eat bread with the Hebrews... that is an abomination unto the Egyptians (v. 32). The brothers are seated in birth order, and they fail to notice this, or that Benjamin gets five times as much as they do.
Chapter 44
Joseph loads his brothers up up with food, and the money yet again. He also tells his steward to put a silver cup into Benjamin's bag, because he isn't done fucking with them. He tells the steward to go after them and accuse them of stealing his divining cup. Jerry says the divining cup is a ridiculous notion of jiggery-pokery only practiced by the heathen Egyptians, because god just told the Israelites what was on his mind, and Joseph is only playing a role here. Heaven forbid a good Hebrew character be shown to believe in any pagan nonsense!
Anyway, the man does as he's told, and they're indignant, saying they have all this money, why would they want a stupid cup? They invite him to search their bags and if he finds it, he can kill that brother and enslave the rest. The steward says he only wants to enslave anyone found with the cup. They agree, and open their bags, and of course Benjamin has it. The brothers lament the loss of Benjamin, but reluctantly go back to Joseph
They fall to their knees in front of Joseph, who says of course he can divine. Judah asks him what he wants to hear, because they are righteous, it's obviously Joseph's servants' tomfoolery in action here. Joseph says they can leave Benjamin as his servant and go home. Judah asks to talk to him privately, and flatters him that he's as powerful as Pharaoh. He reminds him that he asked them about their exact family situation and that they didn't want to bring Benjamin but he insisted. Then their father was reluctant to send him, but they explained and the famine was bad, so he gave in. They appeal to his sympathy, saying Benjamin was their father's only remaining child from that mother, as Joseph is presumed dead, and this is going to kill their father, and he's also going to kill Judah, because he promised.
Chapter 45
Joseph sends everyone except his brothers away, then reveals his identity to them. He cries so loudly, the servants waiting in the hall can hear him. His brothers are wary. He tells them they don't have to worry, because god sent him ahead to save their lives and lineages. He explains how he's the Pharaoh's right-hand man. He tells them to go get their father, and he'll let them live in Goshen, and he'll feed them, because there are five years left on the famine.
He ends his soliloquy by hugging Benjamin and kissing the others. The word spreads around Egypt. Pharaoh gives Joseph his blessing to bring his father, which would seem like something you'd ask for beforehand, and promises them the best land and herds.
Joseph gives them provisions and clothing, and Benjamin gets 300 pieces of silver and 5 changes of clothes, because no on in Genesis ever learns not to play favourites. He sends gifts to his father and they leave with is blessing.
They go back to Israel and tell him their brother is still alive and he's the governor of Egypt. Israel faints. They tell him the story, and when he sees the gifts, he believes them and he agrees to go.
Israel/Jacob hears there is corn in Europe and he tells his sons to stop twiddling their thumbs and get down their and buy some. He keeps the youngest, Benjamin with him, but the other 10 go.
Joseph is still governor and his brothers kneel before him, because apparently money isn't enough anymore for our lovable egomaniac, he also needs worship. He recognizes them and is rude to them, but they don't recognize him, just like Shakespeare! Joseph also remembers his dreams, where the grain and the stars paid homage to him. He's not ready to forgive quite yet, though so he accuses them of spying. They go back and forth a bit, but Joseph has the last word and tells them they can't leave unless they agree to go get Benjamin. To ensure they come back, they'll have to leave one there. He keeps them all in prison for three days, where they admit their guilt over what they did to Joseph. Reuben, of course has to get an 'I told you so!' in. Joseph is listening to all of this. He cries, but still keeps Simeon back.
He fills their sacks with corn and secretly refunds the money they paid. They find it at the inn they stop at for the night. They take it as a bad omen from god.
They get home and tell their father what happened. Israel is reluctant to part with Benjamin, but Reuben says he can kill his sons if they don't bring him back. That sounds very satisfying: kill two grandsons, who are quite possibly your concubine's children, in exchange for your own son. Is this what the Moral Majority, brainchild of Jerry, thinks of when it lobbies for 'a traditional vision of family life'? Unfortunately it fails to convince Israel.
Chapter 43
The famine gets worse, and Israel asks his sons to go back to Egypt and get more grain. They remind him that they can't unless they bring Benjamin. He whines that they shouldn't have said anything about their remaining brother, but they insist that the disguised Joseph asked them if their father was alive and if they had any other brothers, and they were honest and didn't know what his demand would be.
Judah steps forward and says that Israel can also have his kids as insurance and points out that in the time they've spent arguing, they could have gone and come back. Israel finally yields and tells them to take along some presents, as well to double the money they're taking, because maybe the last time was just an oversight.
Joseph sees them and instructs his men to prepare a feast. They're afraid to go into Joseph's house, thinking he's going to enslave them. So they explain to his steward about the money, that it was still in the sacks when they got to the inn, which strikes me as dumb, because there's no way that's going to sound plausible.
The steward is more gullible than me, though, because he tells them not to worry, god restored their coffers, he still has the original coins. He brings Simeon out, and they go inside, wash their feet, take care of the donkeys, and get their presents out for Joseph.
They kneel before their brother again, who accepts the gifts and asks after their father. He sees his brother Benjamin, but is overwhelmed with emotion and has to run into his bedroom to cry. He composes himself and comes back. There's a little description of the eating arrangements: the brethren are in one room, Joseph in another, and the Egyptians in a third, because to eat bread with the Hebrews... that is an abomination unto the Egyptians (v. 32). The brothers are seated in birth order, and they fail to notice this, or that Benjamin gets five times as much as they do.
Chapter 44
Joseph loads his brothers up up with food, and the money yet again. He also tells his steward to put a silver cup into Benjamin's bag, because he isn't done fucking with them. He tells the steward to go after them and accuse them of stealing his divining cup. Jerry says the divining cup is a ridiculous notion of jiggery-pokery only practiced by the heathen Egyptians, because god just told the Israelites what was on his mind, and Joseph is only playing a role here. Heaven forbid a good Hebrew character be shown to believe in any pagan nonsense!
Anyway, the man does as he's told, and they're indignant, saying they have all this money, why would they want a stupid cup? They invite him to search their bags and if he finds it, he can kill that brother and enslave the rest. The steward says he only wants to enslave anyone found with the cup. They agree, and open their bags, and of course Benjamin has it. The brothers lament the loss of Benjamin, but reluctantly go back to Joseph
They fall to their knees in front of Joseph, who says of course he can divine. Judah asks him what he wants to hear, because they are righteous, it's obviously Joseph's servants' tomfoolery in action here. Joseph says they can leave Benjamin as his servant and go home. Judah asks to talk to him privately, and flatters him that he's as powerful as Pharaoh. He reminds him that he asked them about their exact family situation and that they didn't want to bring Benjamin but he insisted. Then their father was reluctant to send him, but they explained and the famine was bad, so he gave in. They appeal to his sympathy, saying Benjamin was their father's only remaining child from that mother, as Joseph is presumed dead, and this is going to kill their father, and he's also going to kill Judah, because he promised.
Chapter 45
Joseph sends everyone except his brothers away, then reveals his identity to them. He cries so loudly, the servants waiting in the hall can hear him. His brothers are wary. He tells them they don't have to worry, because god sent him ahead to save their lives and lineages. He explains how he's the Pharaoh's right-hand man. He tells them to go get their father, and he'll let them live in Goshen, and he'll feed them, because there are five years left on the famine.
He ends his soliloquy by hugging Benjamin and kissing the others. The word spreads around Egypt. Pharaoh gives Joseph his blessing to bring his father, which would seem like something you'd ask for beforehand, and promises them the best land and herds.
Joseph gives them provisions and clothing, and Benjamin gets 300 pieces of silver and 5 changes of clothes, because no on in Genesis ever learns not to play favourites. He sends gifts to his father and they leave with is blessing.
They go back to Israel and tell him their brother is still alive and he's the governor of Egypt. Israel faints. They tell him the story, and when he sees the gifts, he believes them and he agrees to go.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Genesis Chapter 37
Ah, here we are at the story of Joseph, which many of you will be familiar with because your high school put on at least one performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat while you were there.
Joseph is 17 when this particular incident happens, and he sounds like a pain in the ass Joseph brought unto his father their evil report (v.2). In other words, he tells on them. We all love tattletales, right? For this, and the fact he's Rachel's son, Israel loves him best and he made him a coat of many colours (v.3) which even Jerry admits is 'a garment worn by the daughters of kings' or 'a ceremonial robe draped about statues of goddesses.' In other words, either his father is dressing his 17 year old son in girl's clothes, or Josesph is a big old biblical queen.
Now this favouritism shown by Israel does not go unremarked by Joseph's 11 brothers. They're not even civil to him. But it doesn't stop Joseph from wanting to tell them about his dream. I think we can all agree that the only thing more irritating than a snitch is someone who wants to tell you about his dreams. And what was said dream: well, they were all binding the wheat when suddenly, the sheaves become animated, and the brothers' sheaves all gathered around Joseph's sheaf and made obeisance to it. I amend what I said before: a snitch is annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his dreams is really annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his self-serving dreams deserves what he gets, even if he is only 17.
Anyway, this dream does not endear Joseph to his brothers and makes them hate him even more. But Joseph still isn't done. He then tells him another dream, where the sun, moon and 11 stars all pay obeisance to him. He describes it to his father, who has finally had enough and rebukes him.
One day, the brothers go out to tend the flock and surprisingly, do not invite Joseph, but Israel sends him anyway. While he's on his way, he meets a man who tells him his brothers went somewhere else. So he heads over. His brothers see him and while he's still out of earshot they conspire to kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father an animal got him. Okay, he might not deserve that, but a circle booting wouldn't hurt. Fortunately, Reuben, who was last seen having sex with his stepmother, convinces them not to kill him. Instead, they take off his drag and throw him into a pit. They sit down at the top for lunch and see a caravan of Ismaelites passing by on their way to Egypt. Judah, the fourth son, suggests selling him to them. So they sell him for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben must have left at some point, because he comes back and finds the pit empty and tears at his clothes in remorse. They kill a goat and dip the coat in its blood, then present it to their father who blames a wild animal. Israel dresses in sackcloth and goes into mourning. Joseph, meanwhile, is sold to an official in the Pharoah's house in Egypt.
Joseph is 17 when this particular incident happens, and he sounds like a pain in the ass Joseph brought unto his father their evil report (v.2). In other words, he tells on them. We all love tattletales, right? For this, and the fact he's Rachel's son, Israel loves him best and he made him a coat of many colours (v.3) which even Jerry admits is 'a garment worn by the daughters of kings' or 'a ceremonial robe draped about statues of goddesses.' In other words, either his father is dressing his 17 year old son in girl's clothes, or Josesph is a big old biblical queen.
Now this favouritism shown by Israel does not go unremarked by Joseph's 11 brothers. They're not even civil to him. But it doesn't stop Joseph from wanting to tell them about his dream. I think we can all agree that the only thing more irritating than a snitch is someone who wants to tell you about his dreams. And what was said dream: well, they were all binding the wheat when suddenly, the sheaves become animated, and the brothers' sheaves all gathered around Joseph's sheaf and made obeisance to it. I amend what I said before: a snitch is annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his dreams is really annoying. A snitch who wants to tell you about his self-serving dreams deserves what he gets, even if he is only 17.
Anyway, this dream does not endear Joseph to his brothers and makes them hate him even more. But Joseph still isn't done. He then tells him another dream, where the sun, moon and 11 stars all pay obeisance to him. He describes it to his father, who has finally had enough and rebukes him.
One day, the brothers go out to tend the flock and surprisingly, do not invite Joseph, but Israel sends him anyway. While he's on his way, he meets a man who tells him his brothers went somewhere else. So he heads over. His brothers see him and while he's still out of earshot they conspire to kill him and throw him into a pit and tell their father an animal got him. Okay, he might not deserve that, but a circle booting wouldn't hurt. Fortunately, Reuben, who was last seen having sex with his stepmother, convinces them not to kill him. Instead, they take off his drag and throw him into a pit. They sit down at the top for lunch and see a caravan of Ismaelites passing by on their way to Egypt. Judah, the fourth son, suggests selling him to them. So they sell him for 20 pieces of silver.
Reuben must have left at some point, because he comes back and finds the pit empty and tears at his clothes in remorse. They kill a goat and dip the coat in its blood, then present it to their father who blames a wild animal. Israel dresses in sackcloth and goes into mourning. Joseph, meanwhile, is sold to an official in the Pharoah's house in Egypt.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Genesis Chapters 35 & 36
Chapter 35
God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and build an altar. Jacob tells his household to put away their strange gods (v.2), which of course would be the pagan idols they still worship, take showers, and put on clean clothes, because he has decided the god who answered his prayers when he was in distress is the one true god. Is that clear to everyone? Jacob basically opened the heavenly phone book and called all the gods in it, then chose the one who rang back first. So they give him all their false idols and earrings, and he buries them under an oak tree and they leave. On the way, the terror of god was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob. What this terror might involve is not explained, but we do know that he has promised not to murder us all by mass flood, but not to refrain from using fire and brimstone (ch. 19) or sealing the wombs of all the women (ch. 26) or he may have a new form of terrorism. It's not clear.
Jacob builds an altar in Luz and changers the name to Elbethel. Rebekah's nurse dies. God comes along again and gives Jacob a blessing. Then he changes his name to Israel, though everybody still calls him Jacob. Israel builds a pillar in that spot.
Rachel is pregnant and goes into labour on the road, which is never fun. She has a boy, of course, and names him Benmoni, meaning 'son of my pain', but Israel changes it to Benjamin, meaning 'son of my right hand' (v. 18). Israel sets up a pillar on her grave, then keeps going to Edar.
Once there, his son Reuben has sex with his concubine Bilhah, who is what his stepmother? Israel knows but nothing is said.
Israel finally arrives in Mamre. Isaac is still there, aged 180, and he dies. Israel and Esau bury him.
Chapter 36
Another genealogy. Yawn. There are some inconsistencies, indicating that perhaps even the copyists who wrote this out time after time didn't like doing it very much, either.
God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and build an altar. Jacob tells his household to put away their strange gods (v.2), which of course would be the pagan idols they still worship, take showers, and put on clean clothes, because he has decided the god who answered his prayers when he was in distress is the one true god. Is that clear to everyone? Jacob basically opened the heavenly phone book and called all the gods in it, then chose the one who rang back first. So they give him all their false idols and earrings, and he buries them under an oak tree and they leave. On the way, the terror of god was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob. What this terror might involve is not explained, but we do know that he has promised not to murder us all by mass flood, but not to refrain from using fire and brimstone (ch. 19) or sealing the wombs of all the women (ch. 26) or he may have a new form of terrorism. It's not clear.
Jacob builds an altar in Luz and changers the name to Elbethel. Rebekah's nurse dies. God comes along again and gives Jacob a blessing. Then he changes his name to Israel, though everybody still calls him Jacob. Israel builds a pillar in that spot.
Rachel is pregnant and goes into labour on the road, which is never fun. She has a boy, of course, and names him Benmoni, meaning 'son of my pain', but Israel changes it to Benjamin, meaning 'son of my right hand' (v. 18). Israel sets up a pillar on her grave, then keeps going to Edar.
Once there, his son Reuben has sex with his concubine Bilhah, who is what his stepmother? Israel knows but nothing is said.
Israel finally arrives in Mamre. Isaac is still there, aged 180, and he dies. Israel and Esau bury him.
Chapter 36
Another genealogy. Yawn. There are some inconsistencies, indicating that perhaps even the copyists who wrote this out time after time didn't like doing it very much, either.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Genesis Chapter 34
This is not one of the chapters your Sunday school teacher told you about, unless he or she was a twisted sadist.
Jacob's only daughter Dinah goes out to see the daughters of the land (v.1). Apparently she was between the ages of 12 and 14, and was possibly going to the tent where menstruating or recently post-partum women hung out until they were 'clean' again, which makes what follows an even greater sin in the eyes of the ancient Israelites. On the other hand, it's possible she was going out carousing with the heathen Canaanite girls, and this is a cautionary tale to good Christian girls today about the dangers of getting too close to the enemy.
Shechem, a Hivite prince, sees her and rapes her, but in what strikes me as a case of biblical fudging not all that different from Luke and Laura on The Guiding Light, he falls in love with her. He asks his father to arrange a marriage with her. The father, anxious pretend to form an alliance with Jacob, but really to gain control of his land and livestock, goes to find him.
Jacob, meanwhile, hears about the incident and tells his sons about it. They're angry, but not for their sister, for their own pride, so they're in no mood to make deals when Hamor the king shows up to ask for Dinah, and with their other daughters, in a trade alliance. Shechem asks for their forgiveness and says he'll pay any price.
Jacob's boys decide to lie and tell the Hivites they can't agree unless they get circumcised, but if they do, no problem. Hamor and Shechem are happy with the deal and they go to tell their people about the deal and find a mohel (circumcisor). So they all get circumcised and while they're still recovering Simeon and Levi come along and kill them all and take Dinah home with them. The others get in on the act and take all the livestock, the money, the wives and the kids.
Jacob tells them this won't be good, as their numbers are smaller than those of the Canaanites and Perizzites, who will now attack, but Simeon and Levi ask if they should have just let them treat their sister that way. What we never do find out is how Dinah feels about all of this, because we will find out in Deuteronomy that non-virgins cannot marry, even in cases of rape, so basically she's going to end up an unmarried girl in her father's house, then when he dies, she'll get passed on to one of her brothers and probably treated like a servant.
Jacob's only daughter Dinah goes out to see the daughters of the land (v.1). Apparently she was between the ages of 12 and 14, and was possibly going to the tent where menstruating or recently post-partum women hung out until they were 'clean' again, which makes what follows an even greater sin in the eyes of the ancient Israelites. On the other hand, it's possible she was going out carousing with the heathen Canaanite girls, and this is a cautionary tale to good Christian girls today about the dangers of getting too close to the enemy.
Shechem, a Hivite prince, sees her and rapes her, but in what strikes me as a case of biblical fudging not all that different from Luke and Laura on The Guiding Light, he falls in love with her. He asks his father to arrange a marriage with her. The father, anxious pretend to form an alliance with Jacob, but really to gain control of his land and livestock, goes to find him.
Jacob, meanwhile, hears about the incident and tells his sons about it. They're angry, but not for their sister, for their own pride, so they're in no mood to make deals when Hamor the king shows up to ask for Dinah, and with their other daughters, in a trade alliance. Shechem asks for their forgiveness and says he'll pay any price.
Jacob's boys decide to lie and tell the Hivites they can't agree unless they get circumcised, but if they do, no problem. Hamor and Shechem are happy with the deal and they go to tell their people about the deal and find a mohel (circumcisor). So they all get circumcised and while they're still recovering Simeon and Levi come along and kill them all and take Dinah home with them. The others get in on the act and take all the livestock, the money, the wives and the kids.
Jacob tells them this won't be good, as their numbers are smaller than those of the Canaanites and Perizzites, who will now attack, but Simeon and Levi ask if they should have just let them treat their sister that way. What we never do find out is how Dinah feels about all of this, because we will find out in Deuteronomy that non-virgins cannot marry, even in cases of rape, so basically she's going to end up an unmarried girl in her father's house, then when he dies, she'll get passed on to one of her brothers and probably treated like a servant.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Genesis Chapters 28-33
Chapter 28
Isaac commands Jacob not to take a wife from among the heathen Canaanites, but rather to go back to Padan-aram, where Rebekah is from and marry one of his uncle Laban's daughters. He also blesses him, and passes along the blessing god gave to Abraham.
Esau observes all of this and goes to his uncle Ishmael and adds one of his daughters to his harem. Lots of cousin-marrying in this book. It's almost like they're hillbillies or something.
Back to Jacob, who camps in the desert, using stones for pillows, which sounds like fun, and dreams of a ladder to heaven, with angels going up and down. Rock pillows will do that to you. God is at the top, and he repeats the promise he made to Abraham and Isaac: you'll inherit this land, you'll have lots of offspring, yada yada yada. He promises to stick around until it happens. This apparently is where the expression 'Jacob's ladder' comes from.
Jacob wakes up and thinks this must be the gate of heaven, and he's afraid. So he stacks up the rocks and pours oil over them, which apparently is a pagan ritual. He names the place Beth-el and vows that if god fulfills his promise, he'll keep this stone as a place of worship and give one-tenth of his wealth to him. So begins tithing.
Chapter 29
Jacob comes to Haran and sees a well with a stone on it. He asks the shepherds where he is and they confirm it. He asks if they know Laban, and they do, and he asks how he is, and they say fine, and that his daughter Rachel is coming with some sheep. He tells them to water the sheep, like who does he think he is, walking up to a bunch of strangers and imposing his farming methods on them? and they say to wait until all the sheep have arrived. As they're talking, Rachel arrives. Jacob, clearly showing off for the girls, rolls the stone away and waters the flock. Then, apropos of nothing, he kisses her and bursts into tears. Oddly, she does not reject him right then and there.
He introduces himself, which I would have thought should be the first thing to do, and she runs back to tell her father. Laban comes out and hugs him and bring shim back, where he stays for a month.
Laban asks Jacob to work for him, and asks how much he wants to be paid. We then get a horse-trader's assessment of his two daughters: Leah is cute, but Rachel is hot, so Jacob offers to stay for seven years if he can have Rachel at the end. Laban agrees Jacob is a good match, so Jacob stays on and they seemed to him but a few days, for the love he had to her (v.20), which I think is the most romantic thing the bible has said to date.
Of course, Jacob goes and ruins it all in the next verse with his quite obnoxious demand, give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled (v.21), and rather than telling him to say the magic word, Laban throws a feast and brings him... Leah! But Jacob doesn't notice what with the feasting and the wine and the dark and the horniness after 7 years, until morning. He asks his uncle what the hell happened, and Laban explains that in their country, the youngest daughter can't be married before the first. He tells him he can enjoy the next week for a honeymoon, but he'll have to stay another seven years if he wants Rachel as well. How hot is she going to be after 14 years of this? But Jacob does it and he marries Rachel as well, finally, and loves her more than Leah, which so isn't going to turn out well, which he should know after his own experience where his mother liked him better and his father liked his brother.
Jerry finally notices that someone in the messianic line is a polygamist, but it's okay! It isn't outlawed until later!
Anyway, god, loving the irony of this second Jerry Springer episode, makes Leah pregnant and Rachel barren, because he's the only one who's allowed to have favourites. The resulting son is Reuben, and Leah thinks he'll bring her and Jacob closer together. Oh, sweetie, if I had a nickel for every woman who has tried that and failed, I'd live in a much nicer apartment. She has another son, Simeon, so obviously Jacob doesn't hate her too much, then another and another, finally goes into menopause.
Chapter 30
Rachel proves herself to be Jerry's kind of woman, one whose entire identity is wrapped up in her children, or lack thereof. She gets jealous of Leah and tells Jacob to give her kids or she'll die. Jacob gets pissy and says it isn't him, it's god. Well, that and his reserves are probably depleted by impregnating Leah so much. She has the brilliant idea of giving her handmaid Bilhah to Jacob, because that worked out so well with Sarah and Hagar and Ishmael, but Jacob will screw anything, rather like Abraham.
So Bilhah conceives a son, which Rachel claims as her own, whilst admitting it is a blessing and a curse at the same time so she calls him Dan. Bilhah has another son by Jacob, who Rachel also claims him and calls it a triumph over her sister, and calls him Naphtali.
Leah is in menopause, but isn't willing to give up the baby tower-building, so she gives him her handmaid, Zilpah, and they have a son together, then another one. Unlike Hagar, we never hear how these slaves feel about being part of an arms race, but I'm thinking Margaret Atwood captured it pretty succinctly in The Handmaid's Tale. Leah declares herself the winner.
Leah's first son Reuben is a farmer, and one day he finds mandrakes in his fields. Jerry informs me that mandrakes were thought to be an aphrodisiac and an aid in conception, so that's why this incident is important. Rachel asks Leah for some of he mandrakes and Leah retorts that she has their husband's heart, why does she need mandrakes, too? Rachel says Leah can have Jacob that night if only she can have the mandrakes. I'm waiting for this to be a plotline on Big Love.
Jacob comes home from the fields and Leah comes out and tells him he has to come with her, because Rachel traded her night for mandrakes. Jacob isn't particular, so he comes home with her. The result is the fifth son, because apparently sons with handmaidens don't count in the line of descent, only for sheer numbers in arms races, and calls him Issachar. Then she has a sixth son. She praises the lord and fools herself into thinking this is going to convince Jacob to stay with her forever. Her final child is Dinah, a girl.
God remembers Rachel and finally she has Joseph, but vows that she'll have another.
Jacob finally decides he's tired of living in Padan-aram so he asks Laban to let him go home. Laban asks him to stay, because god has shown him favour as a result of Jacob's presence. He asks him to name his price. Jacob says he's done his bit, his uncle is now rich in cattle, and now he wants to strike out on his own. Laban asks what Jacob wants. He promises to feed and keep the next day, and while he's doing that, he'll take all the speckled and spotted animals from Laban's flocks. Laban agrees, then takes all the same animals out of his flocks that same day, proving that it doesn't take much to be smarter than Esau.
Jacob doesn't say anything, but apparently acting on superstition, he makes white streaks in some popular, hazel and chestnut sticks, and piles them in the water troughs, so that when the animals come to drink, they'll see the branches and bear streaked and spotted offspring. I am not making this up. It is right there in verses 37-41 of Genesis, and it works. Try it for yourselves.
Jacob takes his new flock and keeps up the branch trick with the strongest animals, until he has all the strong animals and Laban the weak. Finally, he's rich in cattle, slaves, camels and asses.
Chapter 31
Laban's sons notice that Jacob now has all the good animals, and Jacob himself notices that Laban won't look him in the eye anymore. God tells him to go back, and he'll stay with him. Just like he stayed with him for all that time Rachel was trying to get pregnant. Jacob tells his two wives what's up with their father, and what god said, and reminds them how loyal he's been to Laban, and how poorly he's been treated in return. He confesses that's why they now have all the good cows, and that god has also told him to go home.
Rachel and Leah mostly want to know if their entire inheritance is now gone, because obviously they know they can't trust Jacob as long as there are slave girls around, but they do agree to go.
So they mount their camels and Jacob gathers the cattle and the goods, and while Laban is shearing the sheep, Rachel steals the pictures from the house, though not the kitchen sink, and they ride off, but not for long.
Laban finds out on the third day that Jacob and company have left, and a seven-day camel chase occurs with all his kinsmen Somewhere on the way, God appears to Laban in a dream and tells him to be neither mean nor kind to Jacob. They finally catch up to them near mount Gilead. Jacob has stupidly made camp for the night, and Laban comes in and asks him my he left in the middle of the night and kidnapped his daughters at swordpoint? He seems most insulted that Jacob didn't let him throw a good-bye feast and say goodbye to his kids and grandkids. Apparently this lack of courtesy means he can now harm him, but god has told him not to be angry or nice here. So now he's here to say that he understands Jacob wants to go home but there's the small matter of stolen property.
Jacob says he was afraid that Laban would take his wives away. Hey, at least he didn't pull the sister racket! He tells Laban to go through his luggage and take anything that belongs to him not knowing Rachel stole the icons. So Laban goes through Leah's tent, then the servants, and finds nothing, but finally he goes into Rachel's tent. Rachel has cleverly hidden the icons in the camel saddles and sat on them, so Laban doesn't find them. She tells her father that she can't stand up because she has her period, knowing he won't go near her.
Jacob and Laban argue and Jacob asks what he's done wrong, what Laban has found after ransacking his tents. He taunts him to say it in front of all their kin, so they can be the judges. He points out his twenty years of service, that the sheep haven't miscarried and he hasn't eaten the rams that he hasn't charged him for the losses, that Laban has stolen his time, and Laban has cheated him over and over again, and god saw it all but only rebuked him the other night.
Laban says Leah and Rachel are his and by extension so are their children, as well as the cows, so what can he do to all that is his?
He proposes a pact. Jacob takes a stone and starts a pillar, and tells his kin to do the same, and they all eat on the resulting pile. Laban wants to call the pile Jegarsahadutha, but Jacob prefers Galled and can you imagine how fun family dinner must be in this house, with the arguing over what to call a pile of rocks, and whose property the women are, and who bred the cattle how? Gawd.
Laban calls on god to watch over things when they aren't together, and says he doesn't want Jacob taking any further wives, as if four isn't enough, and says that in exchange he won't cross the border formed by the rock pile, nor will Jacob. Jacob agrees and sacrifices an animal and then they feast and Laban goes home.
Chapter 32
Jacob sets off and meets some angels. He asks them to go to Esau and tell them what he's been up to and that he's on his way. They do, and come back to say Esau is on his way to meet them with 400 men. Jacob is afraid and divides his people into two, on the theory that Esau can only fight one contingent. He asks god for safe passage. He camps for the night and chooses some goats, sheep, camels, donkeys and cattle and gives them to his servants with instructions to meet Esau and tell him this is a tribute. He sends out two more servants in different directions with the same orders. He figures this should appease Esau. Then he sends his wives and sons along, too. Then Jacob is alone except for a man, whom he wrestles all night.
Finally, Jacob wins despite his dislocated 'thigh', which might be his hip, or his penis, which I will find out when my uncensored bible arrives. The man asks for mercy, but Jacob says not until he blesses him. The man asks who he is, and he says Jacob, and the stranger says he's no longer Jacob, but Israel, because he has power over god and man. Jacob asks who he is, and why he wants to know who he is, but it's a secret, so the man shuts him up with a blessing.
Jacob calls the wrestling ring Peniel, because he saw there. Finally, the pain in his thigh catches up to him, and apparently that's why Jews don't eat the sinew of the thigh, which I did not know.
Chapter 33
The copy editor must have been on holiday that week because suddenly Leah, Rachel, Zilpah and Bilhah are there, and Esau is within sight. Jacob lines them up in order of importance: handmaids, Leah, Rachel, himself, then goes to the front and bows down before his brother.
Esau hasn't gotten any smarter in the past 20 years, so he runs up to his brother and kisses him. He sees the harem and asks who they are, and Jacob says they're the children god has given his (Esau's) servant. The handmaidens bow, then Leah, then Rachel. Esau asks about all the other people he met, and Jacob says they're presents. He urges them on Esau, who refuses, because he's got enough, thanks to god. Jacob says he's found Grace in Esau's sight, and begs him to take the loot, and flatters his brother that he looks like God, which he ought to know, since he just saw him. Finally, Esau agrees and Jacob asks to go home, and Esau offers to go first. There is some discussion about driving the stock too hard and Esaw asks to leave some of his slaves with Jacob who says god will help him. Esau goes back to Seir, and Jacob to Succoth then to Shalem where he pitches his tent and buys a field and builds an altar.
Isaac commands Jacob not to take a wife from among the heathen Canaanites, but rather to go back to Padan-aram, where Rebekah is from and marry one of his uncle Laban's daughters. He also blesses him, and passes along the blessing god gave to Abraham.
Esau observes all of this and goes to his uncle Ishmael and adds one of his daughters to his harem. Lots of cousin-marrying in this book. It's almost like they're hillbillies or something.
Back to Jacob, who camps in the desert, using stones for pillows, which sounds like fun, and dreams of a ladder to heaven, with angels going up and down. Rock pillows will do that to you. God is at the top, and he repeats the promise he made to Abraham and Isaac: you'll inherit this land, you'll have lots of offspring, yada yada yada. He promises to stick around until it happens. This apparently is where the expression 'Jacob's ladder' comes from.
Jacob wakes up and thinks this must be the gate of heaven, and he's afraid. So he stacks up the rocks and pours oil over them, which apparently is a pagan ritual. He names the place Beth-el and vows that if god fulfills his promise, he'll keep this stone as a place of worship and give one-tenth of his wealth to him. So begins tithing.
Chapter 29
Jacob comes to Haran and sees a well with a stone on it. He asks the shepherds where he is and they confirm it. He asks if they know Laban, and they do, and he asks how he is, and they say fine, and that his daughter Rachel is coming with some sheep. He tells them to water the sheep, like who does he think he is, walking up to a bunch of strangers and imposing his farming methods on them? and they say to wait until all the sheep have arrived. As they're talking, Rachel arrives. Jacob, clearly showing off for the girls, rolls the stone away and waters the flock. Then, apropos of nothing, he kisses her and bursts into tears. Oddly, she does not reject him right then and there.
He introduces himself, which I would have thought should be the first thing to do, and she runs back to tell her father. Laban comes out and hugs him and bring shim back, where he stays for a month.
Laban asks Jacob to work for him, and asks how much he wants to be paid. We then get a horse-trader's assessment of his two daughters: Leah is cute, but Rachel is hot, so Jacob offers to stay for seven years if he can have Rachel at the end. Laban agrees Jacob is a good match, so Jacob stays on and they seemed to him but a few days, for the love he had to her (v.20), which I think is the most romantic thing the bible has said to date.
Of course, Jacob goes and ruins it all in the next verse with his quite obnoxious demand, give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled (v.21), and rather than telling him to say the magic word, Laban throws a feast and brings him... Leah! But Jacob doesn't notice what with the feasting and the wine and the dark and the horniness after 7 years, until morning. He asks his uncle what the hell happened, and Laban explains that in their country, the youngest daughter can't be married before the first. He tells him he can enjoy the next week for a honeymoon, but he'll have to stay another seven years if he wants Rachel as well. How hot is she going to be after 14 years of this? But Jacob does it and he marries Rachel as well, finally, and loves her more than Leah, which so isn't going to turn out well, which he should know after his own experience where his mother liked him better and his father liked his brother.
Jerry finally notices that someone in the messianic line is a polygamist, but it's okay! It isn't outlawed until later!
Anyway, god, loving the irony of this second Jerry Springer episode, makes Leah pregnant and Rachel barren, because he's the only one who's allowed to have favourites. The resulting son is Reuben, and Leah thinks he'll bring her and Jacob closer together. Oh, sweetie, if I had a nickel for every woman who has tried that and failed, I'd live in a much nicer apartment. She has another son, Simeon, so obviously Jacob doesn't hate her too much, then another and another, finally goes into menopause.
Chapter 30
Rachel proves herself to be Jerry's kind of woman, one whose entire identity is wrapped up in her children, or lack thereof. She gets jealous of Leah and tells Jacob to give her kids or she'll die. Jacob gets pissy and says it isn't him, it's god. Well, that and his reserves are probably depleted by impregnating Leah so much. She has the brilliant idea of giving her handmaid Bilhah to Jacob, because that worked out so well with Sarah and Hagar and Ishmael, but Jacob will screw anything, rather like Abraham.
So Bilhah conceives a son, which Rachel claims as her own, whilst admitting it is a blessing and a curse at the same time so she calls him Dan. Bilhah has another son by Jacob, who Rachel also claims him and calls it a triumph over her sister, and calls him Naphtali.
Leah is in menopause, but isn't willing to give up the baby tower-building, so she gives him her handmaid, Zilpah, and they have a son together, then another one. Unlike Hagar, we never hear how these slaves feel about being part of an arms race, but I'm thinking Margaret Atwood captured it pretty succinctly in The Handmaid's Tale. Leah declares herself the winner.
Leah's first son Reuben is a farmer, and one day he finds mandrakes in his fields. Jerry informs me that mandrakes were thought to be an aphrodisiac and an aid in conception, so that's why this incident is important. Rachel asks Leah for some of he mandrakes and Leah retorts that she has their husband's heart, why does she need mandrakes, too? Rachel says Leah can have Jacob that night if only she can have the mandrakes. I'm waiting for this to be a plotline on Big Love.
Jacob comes home from the fields and Leah comes out and tells him he has to come with her, because Rachel traded her night for mandrakes. Jacob isn't particular, so he comes home with her. The result is the fifth son, because apparently sons with handmaidens don't count in the line of descent, only for sheer numbers in arms races, and calls him Issachar. Then she has a sixth son. She praises the lord and fools herself into thinking this is going to convince Jacob to stay with her forever. Her final child is Dinah, a girl.
God remembers Rachel and finally she has Joseph, but vows that she'll have another.
Jacob finally decides he's tired of living in Padan-aram so he asks Laban to let him go home. Laban asks him to stay, because god has shown him favour as a result of Jacob's presence. He asks him to name his price. Jacob says he's done his bit, his uncle is now rich in cattle, and now he wants to strike out on his own. Laban asks what Jacob wants. He promises to feed and keep the next day, and while he's doing that, he'll take all the speckled and spotted animals from Laban's flocks. Laban agrees, then takes all the same animals out of his flocks that same day, proving that it doesn't take much to be smarter than Esau.
Jacob doesn't say anything, but apparently acting on superstition, he makes white streaks in some popular, hazel and chestnut sticks, and piles them in the water troughs, so that when the animals come to drink, they'll see the branches and bear streaked and spotted offspring. I am not making this up. It is right there in verses 37-41 of Genesis, and it works. Try it for yourselves.
Jacob takes his new flock and keeps up the branch trick with the strongest animals, until he has all the strong animals and Laban the weak. Finally, he's rich in cattle, slaves, camels and asses.
Chapter 31
Laban's sons notice that Jacob now has all the good animals, and Jacob himself notices that Laban won't look him in the eye anymore. God tells him to go back, and he'll stay with him. Just like he stayed with him for all that time Rachel was trying to get pregnant. Jacob tells his two wives what's up with their father, and what god said, and reminds them how loyal he's been to Laban, and how poorly he's been treated in return. He confesses that's why they now have all the good cows, and that god has also told him to go home.
Rachel and Leah mostly want to know if their entire inheritance is now gone, because obviously they know they can't trust Jacob as long as there are slave girls around, but they do agree to go.
So they mount their camels and Jacob gathers the cattle and the goods, and while Laban is shearing the sheep, Rachel steals the pictures from the house, though not the kitchen sink, and they ride off, but not for long.
Laban finds out on the third day that Jacob and company have left, and a seven-day camel chase occurs with all his kinsmen Somewhere on the way, God appears to Laban in a dream and tells him to be neither mean nor kind to Jacob. They finally catch up to them near mount Gilead. Jacob has stupidly made camp for the night, and Laban comes in and asks him my he left in the middle of the night and kidnapped his daughters at swordpoint? He seems most insulted that Jacob didn't let him throw a good-bye feast and say goodbye to his kids and grandkids. Apparently this lack of courtesy means he can now harm him, but god has told him not to be angry or nice here. So now he's here to say that he understands Jacob wants to go home but there's the small matter of stolen property.
Jacob says he was afraid that Laban would take his wives away. Hey, at least he didn't pull the sister racket! He tells Laban to go through his luggage and take anything that belongs to him not knowing Rachel stole the icons. So Laban goes through Leah's tent, then the servants, and finds nothing, but finally he goes into Rachel's tent. Rachel has cleverly hidden the icons in the camel saddles and sat on them, so Laban doesn't find them. She tells her father that she can't stand up because she has her period, knowing he won't go near her.
Jacob and Laban argue and Jacob asks what he's done wrong, what Laban has found after ransacking his tents. He taunts him to say it in front of all their kin, so they can be the judges. He points out his twenty years of service, that the sheep haven't miscarried and he hasn't eaten the rams that he hasn't charged him for the losses, that Laban has stolen his time, and Laban has cheated him over and over again, and god saw it all but only rebuked him the other night.
Laban says Leah and Rachel are his and by extension so are their children, as well as the cows, so what can he do to all that is his?
He proposes a pact. Jacob takes a stone and starts a pillar, and tells his kin to do the same, and they all eat on the resulting pile. Laban wants to call the pile Jegarsahadutha, but Jacob prefers Galled and can you imagine how fun family dinner must be in this house, with the arguing over what to call a pile of rocks, and whose property the women are, and who bred the cattle how? Gawd.
Laban calls on god to watch over things when they aren't together, and says he doesn't want Jacob taking any further wives, as if four isn't enough, and says that in exchange he won't cross the border formed by the rock pile, nor will Jacob. Jacob agrees and sacrifices an animal and then they feast and Laban goes home.
Chapter 32
Jacob sets off and meets some angels. He asks them to go to Esau and tell them what he's been up to and that he's on his way. They do, and come back to say Esau is on his way to meet them with 400 men. Jacob is afraid and divides his people into two, on the theory that Esau can only fight one contingent. He asks god for safe passage. He camps for the night and chooses some goats, sheep, camels, donkeys and cattle and gives them to his servants with instructions to meet Esau and tell him this is a tribute. He sends out two more servants in different directions with the same orders. He figures this should appease Esau. Then he sends his wives and sons along, too. Then Jacob is alone except for a man, whom he wrestles all night.
Finally, Jacob wins despite his dislocated 'thigh', which might be his hip, or his penis, which I will find out when my uncensored bible arrives. The man asks for mercy, but Jacob says not until he blesses him. The man asks who he is, and he says Jacob, and the stranger says he's no longer Jacob, but Israel, because he has power over god and man. Jacob asks who he is, and why he wants to know who he is, but it's a secret, so the man shuts him up with a blessing.
Jacob calls the wrestling ring Peniel, because he saw there. Finally, the pain in his thigh catches up to him, and apparently that's why Jews don't eat the sinew of the thigh, which I did not know.
Chapter 33
The copy editor must have been on holiday that week because suddenly Leah, Rachel, Zilpah and Bilhah are there, and Esau is within sight. Jacob lines them up in order of importance: handmaids, Leah, Rachel, himself, then goes to the front and bows down before his brother.
Esau hasn't gotten any smarter in the past 20 years, so he runs up to his brother and kisses him. He sees the harem and asks who they are, and Jacob says they're the children god has given his (Esau's) servant. The handmaidens bow, then Leah, then Rachel. Esau asks about all the other people he met, and Jacob says they're presents. He urges them on Esau, who refuses, because he's got enough, thanks to god. Jacob says he's found Grace in Esau's sight, and begs him to take the loot, and flatters his brother that he looks like God, which he ought to know, since he just saw him. Finally, Esau agrees and Jacob asks to go home, and Esau offers to go first. There is some discussion about driving the stock too hard and Esaw asks to leave some of his slaves with Jacob who says god will help him. Esau goes back to Seir, and Jacob to Succoth then to Shalem where he pitches his tent and buys a field and builds an altar.
Genesis Chapters 26 & 27
Chapter 26
There is a famine in Canaan, so Isaac goes to Gerar, the capital of the land of the Philistines. God tells him not to go to Egypt like his father. He renews his promise that Isaac's descendants will inherit the land.
Eventually, the men of the place notice that Isaac has an attractive wife. Demonstrating that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Isaac says Rebekah is his sister. The ruse is discovered when the king looks down one day and sees them 'sporting' (v. 8). Now, at Jerry's school, Liberty University, students aren't even allowed to sunbathe lest they tempt each other into sin, but of course Jerry is willing to overlook public nookie if you're in the messianic line. The king confronts Isaac and asks him why he said she was his sister when she's clearly his wife. Well, if you were fooled by it the first time... Isaac explains he feared for his life. The king counters that someone could have had sex with Rebekah and got them all in trouble. He tells everyone to leave them alone.
Isaac plants crops and gets a hundredfold return on his investment, thanks to god. He becomes powerful, with servants and flocks and herds, and the Philistines are envious. They block his wells and the king asks him to leave.
So he leaves and pitches his tent in a valley and unblocks the wells. This causes tension with the local herdsmen, who tell him it's their water. He calls the first well Esek, or tension, and the second one Sitnah or enmity. Finally he digs a third well and calls it Rehoboth, which means plenty of room and the fighting ends. Nevertheless Isaac goes on to Beer-sheba. God finds him that same night and renews his promise. He builds and alter and digs yet another well.
The king comes and finds him and proposes they make a pact of mutual non-aggression. They seal the deal with a meal and the king leaves in the morning. The slaves come back and tell him they've found water. Lots of concern about water in this chapter.
The last two verses are about Esau, Isaac's son. We find out he married two women, Judith and Mashemath, and Jerry doesn't hesitate to call them heathens and evidence of Esau's spiritual depravity, after ignoring all of Abraham's transgressions with the servants. Isaac and Rebekah do not approve of their daughters-in-law. Sigh. In-law troubles.
Chapter 27
Isaac is now old and going blind, and he calls his son Esau to him. He asks him to kill a deer and make a stew for him. Remember that in Chapter 25, Esau was Isaac's favourite, despite his selling his birthright and polygamous marriage to heathens. He promises him a blessing in return.
Rebekah overhears the request and after he leaves, she goes to Jacob and tells him to kill two of his goats and she'll make a stew so Jacob can bring it and get the blessing while pretending to be Esau. Jacob points out his brother is hirsute and he is smooth, so Isaac will surely know something's up and he'll be cursed. Rebekah tells him the curse will be on her. So he goes and kills the kids and brings them back. His mother takes one of Esau's garments and tells Jacob to put them on, then she covers his hands and neck with the goat skins. This is a lot to do for a simple blessing.
Jacob takes the stew in and his father asks him who he is. He says Esau and he brought the stew. Isaac asks how he did it so quickly, and Jacob says god helped him. Isaac isn't convinced and asks to feel him to make sure he's really Esau. Isaac says he sounds like Jacob but is clearly Esau. He asks if it really is Esau, and Jacob lies bald-facedly that he is indeed. Finally he agrees to eat the stew and give the blessing.
When Isaac finishes, he tells his son to come closer so he can kiss him. He smells the clothes and Isaac gives his blessing that he'll inherit the country and its people.
Esau comes in just after the scene with his venison, and aks for his blessing. Isaac asks who he is, and he explains. Isaac says he already ate, so who was the person before? Because he already gave his blessing. Esau begs him to bless him as well, but Isaac figures out it was Jacob and the blessing is gone.
Esau bitches a bit about his brother's cunningness, but Isaac says he's now in charge and he's already given him the slaves, vineyards and fields. He asks what Esau wants.
Esau points out that surely his father has more than one blessing to give? Isaac promises him the fatness of the earth (v. 40), and that he'll live by the sword as a servant of his brother, but eventually he'll break free and be in charge.
Esau hates his brother, and really, who can blame him? He vows vengeance as soon as he's out of mourning for his father. Rebekah hears about it, because there is no privacy in a tent, and calls Jacob to her. She tells him to go to her brother Laban until everything blows over. She complains to Isaac that Esau's wives are tiresome and she doesn't want Jacob marrying any heathens.
Whew. Brothers have pretty tense relationships in this book. Cain kills Abel, Ham becomes his brothers' servant, Ishmael is banished so Isaac won't have to share his inheritance and now Esau only gets a lame pity blessing after his brother steals the real one. So is Jacob the first biblical con artist, or does he just seize the day? Is Esau's problem that he's just kinda dumb, selling his birthright for a bowl of soup? Is Rebekah Machiavellian?
There is a famine in Canaan, so Isaac goes to Gerar, the capital of the land of the Philistines. God tells him not to go to Egypt like his father. He renews his promise that Isaac's descendants will inherit the land.
Eventually, the men of the place notice that Isaac has an attractive wife. Demonstrating that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Isaac says Rebekah is his sister. The ruse is discovered when the king looks down one day and sees them 'sporting' (v. 8). Now, at Jerry's school, Liberty University, students aren't even allowed to sunbathe lest they tempt each other into sin, but of course Jerry is willing to overlook public nookie if you're in the messianic line. The king confronts Isaac and asks him why he said she was his sister when she's clearly his wife. Well, if you were fooled by it the first time... Isaac explains he feared for his life. The king counters that someone could have had sex with Rebekah and got them all in trouble. He tells everyone to leave them alone.
Isaac plants crops and gets a hundredfold return on his investment, thanks to god. He becomes powerful, with servants and flocks and herds, and the Philistines are envious. They block his wells and the king asks him to leave.
So he leaves and pitches his tent in a valley and unblocks the wells. This causes tension with the local herdsmen, who tell him it's their water. He calls the first well Esek, or tension, and the second one Sitnah or enmity. Finally he digs a third well and calls it Rehoboth, which means plenty of room and the fighting ends. Nevertheless Isaac goes on to Beer-sheba. God finds him that same night and renews his promise. He builds and alter and digs yet another well.
The king comes and finds him and proposes they make a pact of mutual non-aggression. They seal the deal with a meal and the king leaves in the morning. The slaves come back and tell him they've found water. Lots of concern about water in this chapter.
The last two verses are about Esau, Isaac's son. We find out he married two women, Judith and Mashemath, and Jerry doesn't hesitate to call them heathens and evidence of Esau's spiritual depravity, after ignoring all of Abraham's transgressions with the servants. Isaac and Rebekah do not approve of their daughters-in-law. Sigh. In-law troubles.
Chapter 27
Isaac is now old and going blind, and he calls his son Esau to him. He asks him to kill a deer and make a stew for him. Remember that in Chapter 25, Esau was Isaac's favourite, despite his selling his birthright and polygamous marriage to heathens. He promises him a blessing in return.
Rebekah overhears the request and after he leaves, she goes to Jacob and tells him to kill two of his goats and she'll make a stew so Jacob can bring it and get the blessing while pretending to be Esau. Jacob points out his brother is hirsute and he is smooth, so Isaac will surely know something's up and he'll be cursed. Rebekah tells him the curse will be on her. So he goes and kills the kids and brings them back. His mother takes one of Esau's garments and tells Jacob to put them on, then she covers his hands and neck with the goat skins. This is a lot to do for a simple blessing.
Jacob takes the stew in and his father asks him who he is. He says Esau and he brought the stew. Isaac asks how he did it so quickly, and Jacob says god helped him. Isaac isn't convinced and asks to feel him to make sure he's really Esau. Isaac says he sounds like Jacob but is clearly Esau. He asks if it really is Esau, and Jacob lies bald-facedly that he is indeed. Finally he agrees to eat the stew and give the blessing.
When Isaac finishes, he tells his son to come closer so he can kiss him. He smells the clothes and Isaac gives his blessing that he'll inherit the country and its people.
Esau comes in just after the scene with his venison, and aks for his blessing. Isaac asks who he is, and he explains. Isaac says he already ate, so who was the person before? Because he already gave his blessing. Esau begs him to bless him as well, but Isaac figures out it was Jacob and the blessing is gone.
Esau bitches a bit about his brother's cunningness, but Isaac says he's now in charge and he's already given him the slaves, vineyards and fields. He asks what Esau wants.
Esau points out that surely his father has more than one blessing to give? Isaac promises him the fatness of the earth (v. 40), and that he'll live by the sword as a servant of his brother, but eventually he'll break free and be in charge.
Esau hates his brother, and really, who can blame him? He vows vengeance as soon as he's out of mourning for his father. Rebekah hears about it, because there is no privacy in a tent, and calls Jacob to her. She tells him to go to her brother Laban until everything blows over. She complains to Isaac that Esau's wives are tiresome and she doesn't want Jacob marrying any heathens.
Whew. Brothers have pretty tense relationships in this book. Cain kills Abel, Ham becomes his brothers' servant, Ishmael is banished so Isaac won't have to share his inheritance and now Esau only gets a lame pity blessing after his brother steals the real one. So is Jacob the first biblical con artist, or does he just seize the day? Is Esau's problem that he's just kinda dumb, selling his birthright for a bowl of soup? Is Rebekah Machiavellian?
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