Chapter 32
A song! However, with lyrics like They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust (v. 24), Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.
Apparently, the wine of the Israelites' enemies is poisonous to dragons. Ah, so that's why we don't have any. No word yet on why the unicorns, which god is apparently stronger than, are no longer with us. Too many cage matches with god, maybe?
God then commands Moses to go up Mount Nebo and look on Canaan before his death.
Chapter 33
A repeat of the blessings of the 12 tribes, as given by Jacob at the end of Genesis.
Reuben gets a tepid blessing that he will survive and multiply.
Judah will lead the army into battle.
The Levites will be the priests and educators and guardians of the Thummim and Urim coin that gives yes-no answers.
Benjamin will live in safety.
Joseph will enrich the other tribes. We also find out that the horns of his cattle are like the horns of unicorns, so apparently those are still around. No word on sasquatch.
Zebulin will prosper in the seas.
The Gadites will also be successful in battle, as will Dan.
Napthali will live happily to the south and west.
Asher will have a successful olive-growing operation.
Chapter 34
Moses goes up the mountain and dies. How he managed to write about that is not explained. Then he's buried in an 'unknown' grave in Moab. The people mourn for him for 30 days, then Joshua somehow inherits his wisdom and becomes the new leader and author of the next book.
Showing posts with label Deuteronomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deuteronomy. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 29-31
Chapter 29
Another reminder of the covenant and a reminder not to worship other gods. One bit of information is added to it: no following your own heart.
Chapter 30
Blah, blah, blah, covenant. Blah, blah, blah, blessings if you follow it. Blah, blah, blah, curses if you worship other gods. The most interesting thing about it is that Jerry Falwell thinks it's all a build-up to the book of Revelations and the second coming of Jesus, because he's deluded.
Chapter 31
Moses is 120 and has clearly been out of it for awhile. He reminds the Israelites, as he has done in umpteen chapters, that god is going to defeat their enemies. He designates Joshua as his successor.
Next he calls on the priests to read all the laws every seven years at the feast of tabernacles. Urgh, are there still sects out there who sit through a reading of all the laws supposedly placed in the Ark of the Covenant? Remember to bring a pillow that day.
God then actually appears again in cloud form and tells Joshua and Moses that the people are going to be led astray in future and he will forsake them and turn away from them. That's right! God is not a figment of your imagination, we just haven't got our theology right in 2000 years of practicing since this book was published!
Moses and Joshua then write a song about the covenant but we don't get to hear it until the next chapter.
Another reminder of the covenant and a reminder not to worship other gods. One bit of information is added to it: no following your own heart.
Chapter 30
Blah, blah, blah, covenant. Blah, blah, blah, blessings if you follow it. Blah, blah, blah, curses if you worship other gods. The most interesting thing about it is that Jerry Falwell thinks it's all a build-up to the book of Revelations and the second coming of Jesus, because he's deluded.
Chapter 31
Moses is 120 and has clearly been out of it for awhile. He reminds the Israelites, as he has done in umpteen chapters, that god is going to defeat their enemies. He designates Joshua as his successor.
Next he calls on the priests to read all the laws every seven years at the feast of tabernacles. Urgh, are there still sects out there who sit through a reading of all the laws supposedly placed in the Ark of the Covenant? Remember to bring a pillow that day.
God then actually appears again in cloud form and tells Joshua and Moses that the people are going to be led astray in future and he will forsake them and turn away from them. That's right! God is not a figment of your imagination, we just haven't got our theology right in 2000 years of practicing since this book was published!
Moses and Joshua then write a song about the covenant but we don't get to hear it until the next chapter.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 24-26
Chapter 24
A prayer for the festival of first fruits. It basically recounts Abraham's story, then the Israelites' sojourn in Egypt and their journey to the promised land.
Every third year, you have to tithe your crop to the Levites, the poor and widows. Oh, and no offering food to the dead.
Chapter 25
When the Israelites cross the Jordan river, they are to set up stone pilars, then cover them in plaster. When the plaster dries, they are to write the laws on them. Next, they have to build an altar out of unhewn stone, also with the laws written on it. This altar is for sacrifices.
Then Moses tells the tribes to split up and go to two different mountains. The tribes of Levi, Simeon, Judah, Issachar, Joseph and Benjamin are to go to Mount Gerizim to shout blessings, the people of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan and Naphtali are to go to Mount Ebal to shout curses. Because punishments are more fun to hear about than rewards, we don't get to hear the blessings. And oddly, even though they are on the blessing side, the Levites are going to cry out the curses. The people are to respond to each one with 'Amen!' so you can assume that's what they're doing. I do believe this is the first time the book says amen.
Anyway, here are the things that bring down curses: making graven images and hiding them, dishonouring your parents, moving your fences onto your neighbours' property, leading the blind astray, injustice to strangers, widows and orphans, having sex with your stepmothers, bestiality, sex with your sisters and half-sisters, sex with your mother-in-law, killing your neighbour in secret, contract killing, not following the laws.
Chapter 28
Oops! The blessings are laid out, crammed into 14 verses, followed by 54 verses of curses. Hey, that rhymes!
Okay, here are the carrots: favoured by god, prosperous cities and farms, children, increased herds and flocks, your stores won't rot, you'll be blessed when you go out and when you come back, god will protect you from your enemies and scatter them about, other people will fear you, riches, good rain, no need to borrow from other nations and you'll always be on top.
Then the sticks: well, the opposite of the above (what was that about not punishing kids for the sins of their parents? what?), plus pestilence, consumption, fever, inflammation, scorching heat and droughts, mildew, bronze skies, iron earth, dustbowls, your corpse will be carrion, boils, hemorrhoids, sores, incurable itch, madness, blindness, panic attacks, daytime blindness, oppression, ruination, cuckoldery of your wife, house, field and livestock, enslavement of your children, crop destruction, boils on the knees and legs, and all the way from feet to head (yes, it gets repetitive, as anyone ranting does), exile, worship of other gods, becoming a joke amongst other people (and considering they aren't mentioned in Herodotus...), locusts, worms, fruitless olive trees, foreigners will take over and control the wealth, cursed and enslaved children, enslavement, attack by barbarians, who will eat all the livestock and besiege the cities, cannibalism, women will turn on their families and eat their babies, plagues and diseases onto their descendants, scattering to the ends of the earth, hostility from neighbours, generalised anxiety disorder, a wish for night in the morning, and morning at night, return to Egypt, where they'll be enslaved, but no one will buy them.
Whew! Well, if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.
A prayer for the festival of first fruits. It basically recounts Abraham's story, then the Israelites' sojourn in Egypt and their journey to the promised land.
Every third year, you have to tithe your crop to the Levites, the poor and widows. Oh, and no offering food to the dead.
Chapter 25
When the Israelites cross the Jordan river, they are to set up stone pilars, then cover them in plaster. When the plaster dries, they are to write the laws on them. Next, they have to build an altar out of unhewn stone, also with the laws written on it. This altar is for sacrifices.
Then Moses tells the tribes to split up and go to two different mountains. The tribes of Levi, Simeon, Judah, Issachar, Joseph and Benjamin are to go to Mount Gerizim to shout blessings, the people of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan and Naphtali are to go to Mount Ebal to shout curses. Because punishments are more fun to hear about than rewards, we don't get to hear the blessings. And oddly, even though they are on the blessing side, the Levites are going to cry out the curses. The people are to respond to each one with 'Amen!' so you can assume that's what they're doing. I do believe this is the first time the book says amen.
Anyway, here are the things that bring down curses: making graven images and hiding them, dishonouring your parents, moving your fences onto your neighbours' property, leading the blind astray, injustice to strangers, widows and orphans, having sex with your stepmothers, bestiality, sex with your sisters and half-sisters, sex with your mother-in-law, killing your neighbour in secret, contract killing, not following the laws.
Chapter 28
Oops! The blessings are laid out, crammed into 14 verses, followed by 54 verses of curses. Hey, that rhymes!
Okay, here are the carrots: favoured by god, prosperous cities and farms, children, increased herds and flocks, your stores won't rot, you'll be blessed when you go out and when you come back, god will protect you from your enemies and scatter them about, other people will fear you, riches, good rain, no need to borrow from other nations and you'll always be on top.
Then the sticks: well, the opposite of the above (what was that about not punishing kids for the sins of their parents? what?), plus pestilence, consumption, fever, inflammation, scorching heat and droughts, mildew, bronze skies, iron earth, dustbowls, your corpse will be carrion, boils, hemorrhoids, sores, incurable itch, madness, blindness, panic attacks, daytime blindness, oppression, ruination, cuckoldery of your wife, house, field and livestock, enslavement of your children, crop destruction, boils on the knees and legs, and all the way from feet to head (yes, it gets repetitive, as anyone ranting does), exile, worship of other gods, becoming a joke amongst other people (and considering they aren't mentioned in Herodotus...), locusts, worms, fruitless olive trees, foreigners will take over and control the wealth, cursed and enslaved children, enslavement, attack by barbarians, who will eat all the livestock and besiege the cities, cannibalism, women will turn on their families and eat their babies, plagues and diseases onto their descendants, scattering to the ends of the earth, hostility from neighbours, generalised anxiety disorder, a wish for night in the morning, and morning at night, return to Egypt, where they'll be enslaved, but no one will buy them.
Whew! Well, if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 23-25
Chapter 23
Men with injured testicles or whose penises have been cut off may not worship in the temple. Further, bastards are not allowed in, even unto the 10th generation. Is there anyone in the entire world who doesn't have at least one great-great-great-great grandparent who was illegitimate? I think not. Ammonites and Moabites can't join the congregation for 10 generations, though according to Jerry Falwell, that prohibition only applies to men. Women can marry Israelites and convert. Of course. Edomites and Egyptians can join after 3.
People who have 'nocturnal emissions' are unclean and have to leave the camp until sundown, at which point they can take a shower and come home. So boys between the ages of 12 and oh, 62, pretty much lived in the fields then.
If you get, uh, caught short away from home and have to improvise a field toilet, for god's sake, dig a hole and cover it up when you're finished. This one I happen to agree with, though not for the reason given in the book, which is that god will be walking around and doesn't want to get his shoes dirty. I'm more concerned about my own shoes.
If an escaped slave comes to your village, you should not give him back to his master, but rather should let him live where he likes.
Israelites may not become prostitutes or engage in homosexual sex. Nor shall male or female prostitutes tithe their wages to the church. Jerry is silent on this, which I find odd.
Next, usury is banned. Well, only among Israelites. Charging strangers interest is fine. If only evangelical Christians would pay attention to this one, and try to get payday loan services banned, rather than focus on the verse above it.
Keep your promises.
Finally, a note on hospitality: when in your neighbour's vineyard, you can eat enough grapes to satisfy yourself, but you can't put some in a doggie bag. Same with his corn.
Chapter 24
If you get married, then divorce your wife, then she marries another dude, then divorces him, you can't get remarried. Apparently, the governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, a committed Christian, did exactly this, to the sounds of crickets chirping from evangelicals.
Newlywed men cannot be drafted into the army for a year.
No taking the upper or lower millstone for a debt security, because that's taking a man's livelihood.
People who steal slaves and sell them on are to be put to death.
Remember the laws on leprosy, and what happened to Miriam (struck with the disease for accusing Moses of breaking god's laws on intermarriage, which he did.)
When collecting a debt, no going inside the debtor's house, it should be done in the open.
Be nice to the poor and pay your workers on time.
Now apparently fathers can't be punished for the sins of their children, nor can children be punished for the sins of their father. Never mind all those seven verses we've already read, including one in the last chapter that say the exact opposite.
Then another reminder to be nice to widows and orphans, and when you harvest, to let them scavenge the fields.
Chapter 25
Beatings: it's not quite the law of the jungle, but it isn't quite civilised, either. If two men get into a dispute they can take it to a judge. If one is deemed guilty, the judge can order up to 40 lashes, depending on the crime.
Let animals eat while they work.
If a man gets married, then dies without issue, his brother must then marry his wife. Their first son will take the father's name so it doesn't die out. If the brother refuses, the wife can report him to the priests. The priests can then call him before them, and if he admits it, the wife can then loosen his shoe and spit in his face, and his clan will then be known as the house of him that hath his shoe loosed (v. 10).
Next, brawling: if two men are brawling and one's wife interferes and grabs the other by the testicles, à la Jerry Springer, her hand will be cut off.
How can you even take any of this out of context? There is no context. Right after hand-chopping, there are a few verses about using fair weights and measures, then the chapter segues immediately into avenging themselves on the Amalekites. The end for today.
Men with injured testicles or whose penises have been cut off may not worship in the temple. Further, bastards are not allowed in, even unto the 10th generation. Is there anyone in the entire world who doesn't have at least one great-great-great-great grandparent who was illegitimate? I think not. Ammonites and Moabites can't join the congregation for 10 generations, though according to Jerry Falwell, that prohibition only applies to men. Women can marry Israelites and convert. Of course. Edomites and Egyptians can join after 3.
People who have 'nocturnal emissions' are unclean and have to leave the camp until sundown, at which point they can take a shower and come home. So boys between the ages of 12 and oh, 62, pretty much lived in the fields then.
If you get, uh, caught short away from home and have to improvise a field toilet, for god's sake, dig a hole and cover it up when you're finished. This one I happen to agree with, though not for the reason given in the book, which is that god will be walking around and doesn't want to get his shoes dirty. I'm more concerned about my own shoes.
If an escaped slave comes to your village, you should not give him back to his master, but rather should let him live where he likes.
Israelites may not become prostitutes or engage in homosexual sex. Nor shall male or female prostitutes tithe their wages to the church. Jerry is silent on this, which I find odd.
Next, usury is banned. Well, only among Israelites. Charging strangers interest is fine. If only evangelical Christians would pay attention to this one, and try to get payday loan services banned, rather than focus on the verse above it.
Keep your promises.
Finally, a note on hospitality: when in your neighbour's vineyard, you can eat enough grapes to satisfy yourself, but you can't put some in a doggie bag. Same with his corn.
Chapter 24
If you get married, then divorce your wife, then she marries another dude, then divorces him, you can't get remarried. Apparently, the governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, a committed Christian, did exactly this, to the sounds of crickets chirping from evangelicals.
Newlywed men cannot be drafted into the army for a year.
No taking the upper or lower millstone for a debt security, because that's taking a man's livelihood.
People who steal slaves and sell them on are to be put to death.
Remember the laws on leprosy, and what happened to Miriam (struck with the disease for accusing Moses of breaking god's laws on intermarriage, which he did.)
When collecting a debt, no going inside the debtor's house, it should be done in the open.
Be nice to the poor and pay your workers on time.
Now apparently fathers can't be punished for the sins of their children, nor can children be punished for the sins of their father. Never mind all those seven verses we've already read, including one in the last chapter that say the exact opposite.
Then another reminder to be nice to widows and orphans, and when you harvest, to let them scavenge the fields.
Chapter 25
Beatings: it's not quite the law of the jungle, but it isn't quite civilised, either. If two men get into a dispute they can take it to a judge. If one is deemed guilty, the judge can order up to 40 lashes, depending on the crime.
Let animals eat while they work.
If a man gets married, then dies without issue, his brother must then marry his wife. Their first son will take the father's name so it doesn't die out. If the brother refuses, the wife can report him to the priests. The priests can then call him before them, and if he admits it, the wife can then loosen his shoe and spit in his face, and his clan will then be known as the house of him that hath his shoe loosed (v. 10).
Next, brawling: if two men are brawling and one's wife interferes and grabs the other by the testicles, à la Jerry Springer, her hand will be cut off.
How can you even take any of this out of context? There is no context. Right after hand-chopping, there are a few verses about using fair weights and measures, then the chapter segues immediately into avenging themselves on the Amalekites. The end for today.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 20-22
Chapter 20
War rules. Namely, don't worry about going into battle, because god is on your side! I wonder how many foolhardy skirmishes this particular chapter has caused, and how many needless deaths.
Those exempt from the draft: those who have built houses and not yet consecrated them, those who have planted a vineyard and not harvested, those who have not yet consummated their marriages and those who are fearful and faint-hearted (v. 8). I wonder how many of those Dick Cheney used to get out of Vietnam?
On conquering a city, the inhabitants may be enslaved if they surrender. However, if they don't, the males, down to the babies, are to be killed, and the women and cattle taken as booty. These do not apply to peoples living in the promised land, all of whom are to be slaughtered.
Oddly, trees are to be spared, if they bear fruit. Otherwise, they can cut them down to reinforce the city walls.
Chapter 21
When you find a body in the field, and can't determine the cause of death, rather than call in the CSI crew, the priests from the neighbouring villages are to measure the distance between their community and the spot. The closest one is responsible for the disposal. Then the priests have to find a heifer that has never worked, break its neck, wash their hands and say Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it (v. 7).
Next, rules on treatment of female prisoners of war. If you see a hottie among your captives, you can bring her home. She then has to shave her head and trim her fingernails and give up her old clothes. She gets to mourn her family for a month, after which you can marry her. If you don't like her, you can send her away, but you can't sell her to someone else. There is no rule for what happens if she doesn't like you.
if you have two wives, and like one better, you can't favour her children over the other's. You still have to give the lion's share of your estate to your firstborn son.
What to do with rebellious sons: take them to the priests, accuse them of gluttony and drunkenness, then sit back and watch the men of your city stone him to death. Jerry Falwell is in total support of this, saying 'anarchy in the home breeds anarchy in society.' Bear in mind that he wants to rule society based on this kind of biblical family values. Also, the main justification for taking over Canaan is that the Canaanites practiced child sacrifice. And what is this, exactly, but child murder?
Finally, if you hang someone, cut his body down that day.
Chapter 22
Another bizarre list of unrelated rules. Or maybe they are. You be the judge.
First, if you find your neighbours' cattle or donkeys, give them back.
Next, never mind Joseph from Genesis, and his queenly ways, cross-dressing is now an abomination. Jerry loves this, because it supports his theory that there should be 'a proper distinction between the sexes.' Ya'll, this is his code for 'women should stay home and have babies while men should go out and work.' Because it's still 1870. He then goes on to list various items of clothing that are prohibited, proving he is way to knowledgeable about this subject to be straight.
Next, if you find a bird's nest, only take the eggs, let the mother go free.
Make your roof safe when you build a house.
No GM crops, no plowing with an ox and a donkey, no mixed fabrics, put fringes on your clothing. Jerry Falwell doesn't even bother to cite the New Testament verses that supposedly negate any of these rules. Personally, I think it was union regulations.
If you marry a girl, then decide you don't like her, you can claim she wasn't a virgin when you got married. If her family can produce bloody sheets (ugh) to prove you wrong, you have to pay a fine. If they can't, the girl will be stoned to death on her father's doorstep. Jerry Falwell is of course perfectly accepting of this 'adultery was punishable by death for both partners involved as a violation of the sacrosanct nature of the family.'
Adultery is also punishable by death. If an engaged woman is raped within the city limits, and doesn't cry out loud enough, she is an adulteress and both parties will be put to death. If it happens in the field, where no one would have heard the girl if she cried out, only the man is punishable by death. If a girl is not engaged and she gets raped, her rapist must pay for her and marry her.
Finally, no marrying your father's wife, nor looking under his robes.
War rules. Namely, don't worry about going into battle, because god is on your side! I wonder how many foolhardy skirmishes this particular chapter has caused, and how many needless deaths.
Those exempt from the draft: those who have built houses and not yet consecrated them, those who have planted a vineyard and not harvested, those who have not yet consummated their marriages and those who are fearful and faint-hearted (v. 8). I wonder how many of those Dick Cheney used to get out of Vietnam?
On conquering a city, the inhabitants may be enslaved if they surrender. However, if they don't, the males, down to the babies, are to be killed, and the women and cattle taken as booty. These do not apply to peoples living in the promised land, all of whom are to be slaughtered.
Oddly, trees are to be spared, if they bear fruit. Otherwise, they can cut them down to reinforce the city walls.
Chapter 21
When you find a body in the field, and can't determine the cause of death, rather than call in the CSI crew, the priests from the neighbouring villages are to measure the distance between their community and the spot. The closest one is responsible for the disposal. Then the priests have to find a heifer that has never worked, break its neck, wash their hands and say Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it (v. 7).
Next, rules on treatment of female prisoners of war. If you see a hottie among your captives, you can bring her home. She then has to shave her head and trim her fingernails and give up her old clothes. She gets to mourn her family for a month, after which you can marry her. If you don't like her, you can send her away, but you can't sell her to someone else. There is no rule for what happens if she doesn't like you.
if you have two wives, and like one better, you can't favour her children over the other's. You still have to give the lion's share of your estate to your firstborn son.
What to do with rebellious sons: take them to the priests, accuse them of gluttony and drunkenness, then sit back and watch the men of your city stone him to death. Jerry Falwell is in total support of this, saying 'anarchy in the home breeds anarchy in society.' Bear in mind that he wants to rule society based on this kind of biblical family values. Also, the main justification for taking over Canaan is that the Canaanites practiced child sacrifice. And what is this, exactly, but child murder?
Finally, if you hang someone, cut his body down that day.
Chapter 22
Another bizarre list of unrelated rules. Or maybe they are. You be the judge.
First, if you find your neighbours' cattle or donkeys, give them back.
Next, never mind Joseph from Genesis, and his queenly ways, cross-dressing is now an abomination. Jerry loves this, because it supports his theory that there should be 'a proper distinction between the sexes.' Ya'll, this is his code for 'women should stay home and have babies while men should go out and work.' Because it's still 1870. He then goes on to list various items of clothing that are prohibited, proving he is way to knowledgeable about this subject to be straight.
Next, if you find a bird's nest, only take the eggs, let the mother go free.
Make your roof safe when you build a house.
No GM crops, no plowing with an ox and a donkey, no mixed fabrics, put fringes on your clothing. Jerry Falwell doesn't even bother to cite the New Testament verses that supposedly negate any of these rules. Personally, I think it was union regulations.
If you marry a girl, then decide you don't like her, you can claim she wasn't a virgin when you got married. If her family can produce bloody sheets (ugh) to prove you wrong, you have to pay a fine. If they can't, the girl will be stoned to death on her father's doorstep. Jerry Falwell is of course perfectly accepting of this 'adultery was punishable by death for both partners involved as a violation of the sacrosanct nature of the family.'
Adultery is also punishable by death. If an engaged woman is raped within the city limits, and doesn't cry out loud enough, she is an adulteress and both parties will be put to death. If it happens in the field, where no one would have heard the girl if she cried out, only the man is punishable by death. If a girl is not engaged and she gets raped, her rapist must pay for her and marry her.
Finally, no marrying your father's wife, nor looking under his robes.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 17-19
Chapter 17
Sacrificial animals must be pure, in case that wasn't clear from the oh, 700 other verses where we are told that.
Non-believers who practice their religion in Israel are to be stoned to death, not unlike Saudi Arabia today, and we all know how much fun it would be to live there, don't we!
Some clarification on the death penalty: at least two witnesses are needed for a capital sentence, if only one can be found, you can only banish the person. Witnesses get to cast the first stone.
Moses then sets up various levels of court for more entrenched cases. People who refuse to accept the judgements of the supreme court will be put to death. Huh. Of course Jerry has nothing to say on how that particular verse does not apply to evangelical Christians' opposition to Roe v. Wade.
Then the line of succession is laid out: they can choose the king, and god will give his judgement. Qualifications for king: he must be an Israelite, he can't have too many horses, he can't take them to Egypt, he can't have too many wives or too much gold and silver. Take that, prosperity gospel! He also has to read his bible every day.
Chapter 18
A reminder to tithe so the priests can eat, and not to worship other gods. Then we get a reminder not to practice witchcraft of any sort.
Next, god promises to raise a prophet from among them. Of course there will be false prophets, and they'll know them because the things they predict won't come true. But hang on! A couple of chapters ago, we were told that false prophets' predictions might also come true! Jerry Falwell's crack team of biblical scholars for once notices the contradiction, but punts when it comes to explaining it, saying only that the true prophet will remain true to the word of god and not lead them astray. Of course, Jesus was killed because a council of priests decided he was indeed a false prophet, but there is no explanation of that, either.
Chapter 19
More on the cities of refuge. A typical example is given: a man is chopping wood, and the head flies off his axe and kills his neighbour. He can then run to the nearest city and if he gets there before the neighbour's relatives, he will be safe. If he killed his neighbour on purpose, however, the elders of the city must cast him out to the avengers. At least two people have to witness the crime for it to be valid. According to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible, this section is often used by Jehovah's Witnesses to justify not reporting crimes from within. False witnesses will be executed.
Sacrificial animals must be pure, in case that wasn't clear from the oh, 700 other verses where we are told that.
Non-believers who practice their religion in Israel are to be stoned to death, not unlike Saudi Arabia today, and we all know how much fun it would be to live there, don't we!
Some clarification on the death penalty: at least two witnesses are needed for a capital sentence, if only one can be found, you can only banish the person. Witnesses get to cast the first stone.
Moses then sets up various levels of court for more entrenched cases. People who refuse to accept the judgements of the supreme court will be put to death. Huh. Of course Jerry has nothing to say on how that particular verse does not apply to evangelical Christians' opposition to Roe v. Wade.
Then the line of succession is laid out: they can choose the king, and god will give his judgement. Qualifications for king: he must be an Israelite, he can't have too many horses, he can't take them to Egypt, he can't have too many wives or too much gold and silver. Take that, prosperity gospel! He also has to read his bible every day.
Chapter 18
A reminder to tithe so the priests can eat, and not to worship other gods. Then we get a reminder not to practice witchcraft of any sort.
Next, god promises to raise a prophet from among them. Of course there will be false prophets, and they'll know them because the things they predict won't come true. But hang on! A couple of chapters ago, we were told that false prophets' predictions might also come true! Jerry Falwell's crack team of biblical scholars for once notices the contradiction, but punts when it comes to explaining it, saying only that the true prophet will remain true to the word of god and not lead them astray. Of course, Jesus was killed because a council of priests decided he was indeed a false prophet, but there is no explanation of that, either.
Chapter 19
More on the cities of refuge. A typical example is given: a man is chopping wood, and the head flies off his axe and kills his neighbour. He can then run to the nearest city and if he gets there before the neighbour's relatives, he will be safe. If he killed his neighbour on purpose, however, the elders of the city must cast him out to the avengers. At least two people have to witness the crime for it to be valid. According to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible, this section is often used by Jehovah's Witnesses to justify not reporting crimes from within. False witnesses will be executed.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 14-16
Chapter 14
God really dislikes unibrows, because he tells us not to shave between our eyebrows or cut ourselves for the dead, because people from other religions do that. Then we get a repeat of the "clean" and "unclean" animals. No eating animals that died in the field, although they can be given to strangers, and no boiling a kid goat in its mother's milk. Then a reminder to tithe and sacrifice.
Chapter 15
Every seven years, debts are to be forgiven. Jerry of course links this to Jesus, his forgiveness of the poor and helpless, for those of you on the fence as to the quality of his biblical scholarship. Foreigners are not forgiven.
A reminder to be nice to the poor and to free Hebrew slaves every 7 years, and to give them wine and meat on their departure. If they refuse, you can pierce their ears and keep them forever. Finally, the firstlings of the flock are not to be put to work but are to be sacrificed and eaten, even by the unclean.
Chapter 16
A reminder of what to do during feasts. During those feasts, all men have to appear before god without an offering, however humble.
Judges and priests should endeavor to be impartial and should not take bribes. No trees near altars, and no graven images.
God really dislikes unibrows, because he tells us not to shave between our eyebrows or cut ourselves for the dead, because people from other religions do that. Then we get a repeat of the "clean" and "unclean" animals. No eating animals that died in the field, although they can be given to strangers, and no boiling a kid goat in its mother's milk. Then a reminder to tithe and sacrifice.
Chapter 15
Every seven years, debts are to be forgiven. Jerry of course links this to Jesus, his forgiveness of the poor and helpless, for those of you on the fence as to the quality of his biblical scholarship. Foreigners are not forgiven.
A reminder to be nice to the poor and to free Hebrew slaves every 7 years, and to give them wine and meat on their departure. If they refuse, you can pierce their ears and keep them forever. Finally, the firstlings of the flock are not to be put to work but are to be sacrificed and eaten, even by the unclean.
Chapter 16
A reminder of what to do during feasts. During those feasts, all men have to appear before god without an offering, however humble.
Judges and priests should endeavor to be impartial and should not take bribes. No trees near altars, and no graven images.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 11-13
This book is so boring I almost want a mass killing or plague just to break up the monotony.
Chapter 11
Blah blah blah. Left slavery in Egypt. Israel is the land of milk and honey (it's not) if they obey, but god will smite it if they don't.
Chapter 12
An exhortation to destroy the places of worship of the pagans. Then a reminder about tithing and sacrifices in the promised land. They can also slaughter their own animals, and both clean and unclean people can feast on them, but no eating blood! No eating food for the tithe, either, except in the temple. This is repeated. Also, no worshipping other gods. Finally, you have to follow all the laws in the Old Testament forever. Of course Jerry doesn't touch this.
Chapter 13
The Israelites are told not to believe in false prophets, even if their prophesies come to pass. He'll be sending them along periodically as a test, and they are not to follow them, but rather to kill them. See here for an example of this.
If your kids, brothers, half-brothers or wives try to convert you to another religion, you are to kill them immediately by stoning. Jerry even feels the need to point this out in his footnotes to this chapter, which makes me think a theocracy under his direction would resemble the Spanish Inquisition.
If you hear of people worshipping another god in one of your cities, you are to destroy them and their cattle. Then you have to burn everything in the town square and you can't rebuild. This does not bode well for Salt Lake City. Also, Martin Luther, for all he seems like a happy-clappy good guy you'd want to have a beer with now, used this chapter to go after Jewish enclaves, which lowers my opinion of him considerably.
Chapter 11
Blah blah blah. Left slavery in Egypt. Israel is the land of milk and honey (it's not) if they obey, but god will smite it if they don't.
Chapter 12
An exhortation to destroy the places of worship of the pagans. Then a reminder about tithing and sacrifices in the promised land. They can also slaughter their own animals, and both clean and unclean people can feast on them, but no eating blood! No eating food for the tithe, either, except in the temple. This is repeated. Also, no worshipping other gods. Finally, you have to follow all the laws in the Old Testament forever. Of course Jerry doesn't touch this.
Chapter 13
The Israelites are told not to believe in false prophets, even if their prophesies come to pass. He'll be sending them along periodically as a test, and they are not to follow them, but rather to kill them. See here for an example of this.
If your kids, brothers, half-brothers or wives try to convert you to another religion, you are to kill them immediately by stoning. Jerry even feels the need to point this out in his footnotes to this chapter, which makes me think a theocracy under his direction would resemble the Spanish Inquisition.
If you hear of people worshipping another god in one of your cities, you are to destroy them and their cattle. Then you have to burn everything in the town square and you can't rebuild. This does not bode well for Salt Lake City. Also, Martin Luther, for all he seems like a happy-clappy good guy you'd want to have a beer with now, used this chapter to go after Jewish enclaves, which lowers my opinion of him considerably.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 8-10
Chapter 8
God tells the Israelites that he has been leading them around the desert for the past 40 years as a test of faith and to get them to trust him. Here's a way to get people to trust you: promise them a country, then give it to them. Here's a way to get people to obey you out of fear: send plagues, snakes, earthquakes and fire when they don't obey you. Which one is more familiar?
Apparently, god also didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out in those 40 years. This is followed by yet another promise that Canaan will be bountiful and they'll be rich if they follow his commands. If they don't: death!
Chapter 9
The first people to be defeated will be the giant Anakims. The Israelites are then informed that they are not getting Canaan because they're virtuous, but rather because the Canaanites are so bad. I wouldn't really care, as long as I got it. Moses then starts into a long list of their sins and rebellions and all the times he's had to go up into the mountain to appease god and how he didn't even have time to eat or drink for 40-day stretches because he was so busy negotiating for their sorry hides.
Chapter 10
Moses reminds them of how he got the Ten Commandments on stone tablets which he then locked into the Ark of the Covenant before anyone could read them, and how Aaron died. Then he reminds them to Circumcise, therefore, the foreskin of your heart (v. 16), which according to Jerry means an uncircumcised heart is one that is closed and impervious to god. You can also have uncircumcised ears and lips.
Finally, the chapter closes with an exhortation to be kind to strangers, especially the orphans and widows. Well, except for the ones he has commanded them to kill, like the Midianites, where, if you will recall, god specifically tells them to kill the non-virgin women (widows) and male children.
God tells the Israelites that he has been leading them around the desert for the past 40 years as a test of faith and to get them to trust him. Here's a way to get people to trust you: promise them a country, then give it to them. Here's a way to get people to obey you out of fear: send plagues, snakes, earthquakes and fire when they don't obey you. Which one is more familiar?
Apparently, god also didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out in those 40 years. This is followed by yet another promise that Canaan will be bountiful and they'll be rich if they follow his commands. If they don't: death!
Chapter 9
The first people to be defeated will be the giant Anakims. The Israelites are then informed that they are not getting Canaan because they're virtuous, but rather because the Canaanites are so bad. I wouldn't really care, as long as I got it. Moses then starts into a long list of their sins and rebellions and all the times he's had to go up into the mountain to appease god and how he didn't even have time to eat or drink for 40-day stretches because he was so busy negotiating for their sorry hides.
Chapter 10
Moses reminds them of how he got the Ten Commandments on stone tablets which he then locked into the Ark of the Covenant before anyone could read them, and how Aaron died. Then he reminds them to Circumcise, therefore, the foreskin of your heart (v. 16), which according to Jerry means an uncircumcised heart is one that is closed and impervious to god. You can also have uncircumcised ears and lips.
Finally, the chapter closes with an exhortation to be kind to strangers, especially the orphans and widows. Well, except for the ones he has commanded them to kill, like the Midianites, where, if you will recall, god specifically tells them to kill the non-virgin women (widows) and male children.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 5-7
Chapter 5
Moses is still talking. Now he's reminding them about the time he went up the mountain and talked to 'god' and reminds them what the commandments were. Even though the third commandment Thou shalt not make thee any graven image or any likeness of any thing that is in the heaven above or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the waters beneath the earth (v. 8), Jerry still insists that this only means deities, and is in no way meant to stifle artistic creativity.
Chapter 6
More reminders, namely, teach your children about god, and don't worship any other gods. On the first, Jerry instructs us that we are to teach god's principles every day in our homes. Which ones? Certainly not the ones about not eating shellfish or tying ribbons to your clothes or sacrificing an animal every time you give birth, or paying 5 shekels for your firstborn son, or not sleeping with your wife when she has her period. No, he means the ones he likes. And on the second principle, this is what he has to say: "By definition, there can be only on all-powerful, infinite, limitless god. To speak of more than one supreme absolute, perfect and almighty being is to say something contradictory. There canot be two absolutes, for then there would be no absolute." See? He hasn't even read this chapter. Of course the Israelites were worshipping other gods! If they weren't, there would be no point in telling them not to! Also, according to Jerry, this god created the entire universe, including any other gods people might be worshipping. So he's either dumb or not very powerful.
Chapter 7
God promises to cast out the seven nations that currently occupy Canaan. Of course, this will never happen. He instructs them to slaughter them completely, and not to make treaties or show mercy or intermarry with their offspring. Then they have to destroy their property. Jerry does not say if these are the kinds of values we should be teaching to our children. And of course Moses has two foreign wives.
In return for worshipping god, the Israelites are promised that they will never be infertile, nor will their cows, and they will never get sick, but those afflictions will be laid on their enemies instead. Of course, this doesn't come with fertility clinics or vaccines or anything, but it does give the convenient reasoning that if you're sick, it's because you did something to piss god off.
There are some more threats and promises, including that god will send hornets out against their enemies. It's all very turgid.
Moses is still talking. Now he's reminding them about the time he went up the mountain and talked to 'god' and reminds them what the commandments were. Even though the third commandment Thou shalt not make thee any graven image or any likeness of any thing that is in the heaven above or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the waters beneath the earth (v. 8), Jerry still insists that this only means deities, and is in no way meant to stifle artistic creativity.
Chapter 6
More reminders, namely, teach your children about god, and don't worship any other gods. On the first, Jerry instructs us that we are to teach god's principles every day in our homes. Which ones? Certainly not the ones about not eating shellfish or tying ribbons to your clothes or sacrificing an animal every time you give birth, or paying 5 shekels for your firstborn son, or not sleeping with your wife when she has her period. No, he means the ones he likes. And on the second principle, this is what he has to say: "By definition, there can be only on all-powerful, infinite, limitless god. To speak of more than one supreme absolute, perfect and almighty being is to say something contradictory. There canot be two absolutes, for then there would be no absolute." See? He hasn't even read this chapter. Of course the Israelites were worshipping other gods! If they weren't, there would be no point in telling them not to! Also, according to Jerry, this god created the entire universe, including any other gods people might be worshipping. So he's either dumb or not very powerful.
Chapter 7
God promises to cast out the seven nations that currently occupy Canaan. Of course, this will never happen. He instructs them to slaughter them completely, and not to make treaties or show mercy or intermarry with their offspring. Then they have to destroy their property. Jerry does not say if these are the kinds of values we should be teaching to our children. And of course Moses has two foreign wives.
In return for worshipping god, the Israelites are promised that they will never be infertile, nor will their cows, and they will never get sick, but those afflictions will be laid on their enemies instead. Of course, this doesn't come with fertility clinics or vaccines or anything, but it does give the convenient reasoning that if you're sick, it's because you did something to piss god off.
There are some more threats and promises, including that god will send hornets out against their enemies. It's all very turgid.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 1-3
Chapter 1
Moses recounts the Israelites' 40-year journey again. He promises that god will multiply them a thousandfold in Canaan. That certainly didn't happen. He reminds them how he set up the government, and how he was going to lead them into the promised land, but they wouldn't go, how they were faithless except for Caleb, and how they lost the right for one generation. He blames them for the fact that he won't make it: Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying Thou also shalt not go in tither (v. 37). No, Moses, it's your own damned fault. Yes, your god was being petty and spiteful, but if you're going to believe in him and accept his commandments and punishments, you're the one who got it wrong. Finally, he reminds them of their failed invasion of the Amorites.
Moses really sounds like a bitter old man, here, blaming everybody else for what has gone wrong in his life.
Chapter 2
Moses continues to wax on, and I can just picture the Israelites wishing watches had been invented, so they could make a big show out of looking at them impatiently.
He reminds them of passing through Edomite territory, the descendants of Esau, whom god instructed them to leave alone. Then they passed through the territory of the Moabites, the descendants of Lot's daughters' drunken father-raping. Same with the Ammonites, who are the other tribe that descended from those nights. Then he reminds them of the Amorites, whose hearts god hardened, so they massacred them when they refused to grant them safe passage. Same with the people of Shihon, whom they also massacred.
Chapter 3
More nostalgia: how they defeated Og the king of Bashan and his people and took over their cities. Apparently Og was the last of the giants, with a 13-foot bed. The left the tribes of Reuben and Manasseh there. He reminds them that the lord promised Joshua he would kill for him, too. He reminds them again that he won't get to the promised land because of them, and urges them to take it.
Moses recounts the Israelites' 40-year journey again. He promises that god will multiply them a thousandfold in Canaan. That certainly didn't happen. He reminds them how he set up the government, and how he was going to lead them into the promised land, but they wouldn't go, how they were faithless except for Caleb, and how they lost the right for one generation. He blames them for the fact that he won't make it: Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying Thou also shalt not go in tither (v. 37). No, Moses, it's your own damned fault. Yes, your god was being petty and spiteful, but if you're going to believe in him and accept his commandments and punishments, you're the one who got it wrong. Finally, he reminds them of their failed invasion of the Amorites.
Moses really sounds like a bitter old man, here, blaming everybody else for what has gone wrong in his life.
Chapter 2
Moses continues to wax on, and I can just picture the Israelites wishing watches had been invented, so they could make a big show out of looking at them impatiently.
He reminds them of passing through Edomite territory, the descendants of Esau, whom god instructed them to leave alone. Then they passed through the territory of the Moabites, the descendants of Lot's daughters' drunken father-raping. Same with the Ammonites, who are the other tribe that descended from those nights. Then he reminds them of the Amorites, whose hearts god hardened, so they massacred them when they refused to grant them safe passage. Same with the people of Shihon, whom they also massacred.
Chapter 3
More nostalgia: how they defeated Og the king of Bashan and his people and took over their cities. Apparently Og was the last of the giants, with a 13-foot bed. The left the tribes of Reuben and Manasseh there. He reminds them that the lord promised Joshua he would kill for him, too. He reminds them again that he won't get to the promised land because of them, and urges them to take it.
Deuteronomy, Chapter 4
Moses is still talking, but he has at least changed topics. Now he's on to why the Israelites should obey god. As if snakes, earthquakes or plagues aren't enough.
First, he tells them that whatever is in this hot mess of a book has to stay in it. No editing! Hence we're stuck with chapters like the first 3 for all time. Of course Jerry Falwell does not point to anything in the New Testament that negates this verse.
Next, he reminds them of how god destroyed the people who changed their loyalties to Baal-peor.
He reminds them of the laws laid down, how they're the sign of a wise and just god (?) and must be kept for all time. Nope, nothing from Jerry as to why this isn't so.
He reminds them of the commandments, especially not to make graven images, and Jerry fails to explain why photo albums and sculpture are now allowed. Anyone who does so will cause the entire nation to be wiped out. Jerry is mum. And says again that it's their fault he isn't going to the holy land.
He makes a final case for monotheism, then designates the 'cities for refuge' discussed earlier.
It's even more rambling and incoherent than his speeches in the first 3 chapters.
First, he tells them that whatever is in this hot mess of a book has to stay in it. No editing! Hence we're stuck with chapters like the first 3 for all time. Of course Jerry Falwell does not point to anything in the New Testament that negates this verse.
Next, he reminds them of how god destroyed the people who changed their loyalties to Baal-peor.
He reminds them of the laws laid down, how they're the sign of a wise and just god (?) and must be kept for all time. Nope, nothing from Jerry as to why this isn't so.
He reminds them of the commandments, especially not to make graven images, and Jerry fails to explain why photo albums and sculpture are now allowed. Anyone who does so will cause the entire nation to be wiped out. Jerry is mum. And says again that it's their fault he isn't going to the holy land.
He makes a final case for monotheism, then designates the 'cities for refuge' discussed earlier.
It's even more rambling and incoherent than his speeches in the first 3 chapters.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)