Chapter 8
God tells the Israelites that he has been leading them around the desert for the past 40 years as a test of faith and to get them to trust him. Here's a way to get people to trust you: promise them a country, then give it to them. Here's a way to get people to obey you out of fear: send plagues, snakes, earthquakes and fire when they don't obey you. Which one is more familiar?
Apparently, god also didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out in those 40 years. This is followed by yet another promise that Canaan will be bountiful and they'll be rich if they follow his commands. If they don't: death!
Chapter 9
The first people to be defeated will be the giant Anakims. The Israelites are then informed that they are not getting Canaan because they're virtuous, but rather because the Canaanites are so bad. I wouldn't really care, as long as I got it. Moses then starts into a long list of their sins and rebellions and all the times he's had to go up into the mountain to appease god and how he didn't even have time to eat or drink for 40-day stretches because he was so busy negotiating for their sorry hides.
Chapter 10
Moses reminds them of how he got the Ten Commandments on stone tablets which he then locked into the Ark of the Covenant before anyone could read them, and how Aaron died. Then he reminds them to Circumcise, therefore, the foreskin of your heart (v. 16), which according to Jerry means an uncircumcised heart is one that is closed and impervious to god. You can also have uncircumcised ears and lips.
Finally, the chapter closes with an exhortation to be kind to strangers, especially the orphans and widows. Well, except for the ones he has commanded them to kill, like the Midianites, where, if you will recall, god specifically tells them to kill the non-virgin women (widows) and male children.
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Numbers Chapters 19 & 20
Chapter 19
Unless you're a fundamentalist whatever, you've probably never heard of this particular chapter. God tells Moses and Aaron to bring forth a red heifer (young female cow) with no spots or blemishes and sacrifice her. Whoever burns her must then take a bath and do laundry. Someone else is to gather up the ashes and keep them for purification water. I read about it in a book called The Year of Living Biblically, in which the author travels to Israel, where some Jews were trying to breed this unblemished heifer in the effort to bring forth the messiah. Some fundamentalist Christians take this even further, thinking that messiah will then bring about the end of days and the rapture. Apparently one was born in 2002 that met with provisional approval, but it was rejected in the end. But they'll keep trying! Kinda like Maryann the Maenad from True Blood last season, who has spent 3000 years trying to get her theology right so Dionysis will return to earth. Yes, that's right. I just compared Christian fundamentalists who believe in the Rapture to a character on a cheesy vampire show who believes in her own rapture.
People who handle the dead are unclean. They have this in Japan and India as well. There are villages that are shunned because they do this work. I've never understood it, though. I mean, someone has to get rid of dead bodies, right? And then we shun them. There's some morality for you. To get clean, they have to purify themselves with heifer-water on the third day, and then they can come back on the seventh.
If someone dies in a tent, the tent and any open pots inside are unclean for seven days. The tent can be made clean by sprinkling the water on the person.
Chapter 20
Miriam dies unloved and forgotten.
Next verse, there is no water and the people are angry. Moses and Aaron prostrate themselves before god. God tells Moses to take his staff and order a rock to bring forth water. They gather the people and Moses speaks to them in anger, then hits the rock twice with his staff. God accuses them of not believing them, and punishes them by saying they won't make it into the holy land, either. Well, to be fair, they are about 123 and 127 by now, since we know they were 83 and 87 when they left Egypt and that was 40 years ago. But this just goes to show, you can be pious and holy your entire life and god will still turn on you in a second if you piss him off.
Next the Israelits send messengers to the king of Edom requesting safe passage through his lands. Edom, a descendant of Esau, refuses, probably still smarting from the time Jacob bought his great-great-whatever grandfather's birth right for a bowl of porridge. He in fact threatens to send his army after them, even after they offer to pay. That's some grudge.
Finally, they come to Mount Hor and god says it's time for Aaron to die. He orders him to go up the mountain, strip off his clothing, give it to his son, and lay down there. Jerry compares this to the 'eternal priesthood of Jesus Christ.' Have you heard from him there lately, Jerry? What's that? Not directly? Just some burnt toast and oil slicks? No text messages, even?
Unless you're a fundamentalist whatever, you've probably never heard of this particular chapter. God tells Moses and Aaron to bring forth a red heifer (young female cow) with no spots or blemishes and sacrifice her. Whoever burns her must then take a bath and do laundry. Someone else is to gather up the ashes and keep them for purification water. I read about it in a book called The Year of Living Biblically, in which the author travels to Israel, where some Jews were trying to breed this unblemished heifer in the effort to bring forth the messiah. Some fundamentalist Christians take this even further, thinking that messiah will then bring about the end of days and the rapture. Apparently one was born in 2002 that met with provisional approval, but it was rejected in the end. But they'll keep trying! Kinda like Maryann the Maenad from True Blood last season, who has spent 3000 years trying to get her theology right so Dionysis will return to earth. Yes, that's right. I just compared Christian fundamentalists who believe in the Rapture to a character on a cheesy vampire show who believes in her own rapture.
People who handle the dead are unclean. They have this in Japan and India as well. There are villages that are shunned because they do this work. I've never understood it, though. I mean, someone has to get rid of dead bodies, right? And then we shun them. There's some morality for you. To get clean, they have to purify themselves with heifer-water on the third day, and then they can come back on the seventh.
If someone dies in a tent, the tent and any open pots inside are unclean for seven days. The tent can be made clean by sprinkling the water on the person.
Chapter 20
Miriam dies unloved and forgotten.
Next verse, there is no water and the people are angry. Moses and Aaron prostrate themselves before god. God tells Moses to take his staff and order a rock to bring forth water. They gather the people and Moses speaks to them in anger, then hits the rock twice with his staff. God accuses them of not believing them, and punishes them by saying they won't make it into the holy land, either. Well, to be fair, they are about 123 and 127 by now, since we know they were 83 and 87 when they left Egypt and that was 40 years ago. But this just goes to show, you can be pious and holy your entire life and god will still turn on you in a second if you piss him off.
Next the Israelits send messengers to the king of Edom requesting safe passage through his lands. Edom, a descendant of Esau, refuses, probably still smarting from the time Jacob bought his great-great-whatever grandfather's birth right for a bowl of porridge. He in fact threatens to send his army after them, even after they offer to pay. That's some grudge.
Finally, they come to Mount Hor and god says it's time for Aaron to die. He orders him to go up the mountain, strip off his clothing, give it to his son, and lay down there. Jerry compares this to the 'eternal priesthood of Jesus Christ.' Have you heard from him there lately, Jerry? What's that? Not directly? Just some burnt toast and oil slicks? No text messages, even?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Numbers, Chapters 17 & 18
Chapter 17
More magic tricks! This time, god tells Moses to tell the heads of all the households to make a walking stick and write their names on them. On the Levites' stick, he's to put Aaron's name. He puts them all on the altar, and in the morning, almond flowers are blossoming out of Aaron's rod! Wow! If killing thousands of people by burning them, opening up the earth to swallow them, or plaguing them doesn't work, say it with flowers! Of course it doesn't shut the Israelites up.
Chapter 18
God puts the Levites in charge of the tabernacle, but only Aaron can touch the holy things without dying. He also gets the choice offerings from every sacrifice: meat, bread, wine, the 5 shekels to redeem a firstborn son. They aren't allowed to own land, but instead the other tribes have to give the Levites 10 percent of their wealth. Nope, this system isn't corrupt and self-serving at all, not one bit! Good thing god killed all those people who complained about Moses and Aaron elevating themselves above the rest a couple of chapters ago!
More magic tricks! This time, god tells Moses to tell the heads of all the households to make a walking stick and write their names on them. On the Levites' stick, he's to put Aaron's name. He puts them all on the altar, and in the morning, almond flowers are blossoming out of Aaron's rod! Wow! If killing thousands of people by burning them, opening up the earth to swallow them, or plaguing them doesn't work, say it with flowers! Of course it doesn't shut the Israelites up.
Chapter 18
God puts the Levites in charge of the tabernacle, but only Aaron can touch the holy things without dying. He also gets the choice offerings from every sacrifice: meat, bread, wine, the 5 shekels to redeem a firstborn son. They aren't allowed to own land, but instead the other tribes have to give the Levites 10 percent of their wealth. Nope, this system isn't corrupt and self-serving at all, not one bit! Good thing god killed all those people who complained about Moses and Aaron elevating themselves above the rest a couple of chapters ago!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Numbers, Chapter 15
God starts off with some further instructions about offerings: now they have to offer wine along with the bread and meat. I guess Aaron was getting thirsty. Also, the bigger the animal sacrificed, the greater the portion of bread that must be given. That also makes sense: if you're going to make sandwiches from an entire ox, you need more bread than if it was, say, a lamb. God also tells Moses to go easy on those who commit crimes out of ignorance.
Then... bam! A man is caught gathering sticks on the sabbath. Can you believe it? He was cold or wanted to warm up some soup, and he couldn't wait until sundown! They bring him to Moses and Aaron, who ask god what to do. In all his merciful wisdom, god's advice is: stone him to death. So they do. Of course, Jerry has nothing to say about this, because he knows that many of his followers work at Wal-Mart or other places that are open on Sundays, and it's pretty hard to get the day off, and if he did say something, he'd be interpreting.
But that bit only took 4 verses, and apparently god wasn't happy with the length of this chapter yet, so he tacks on some instructions about putting fringes on the edges of your garments. The Dutch take this instruction very, very seriously. They will put fringes on literally anything, including other fringes. You're to hold it in place with blue ribbon.
This chapter definitely shows us something about god's thought process, eh? First off, some clarifications about sacrifices, namely Aaron is thirsty and wants you to bring wine, mmmkay? Hey wait! Stone that guy to death! Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. Put fringes on your garments...
Then... bam! A man is caught gathering sticks on the sabbath. Can you believe it? He was cold or wanted to warm up some soup, and he couldn't wait until sundown! They bring him to Moses and Aaron, who ask god what to do. In all his merciful wisdom, god's advice is: stone him to death. So they do. Of course, Jerry has nothing to say about this, because he knows that many of his followers work at Wal-Mart or other places that are open on Sundays, and it's pretty hard to get the day off, and if he did say something, he'd be interpreting.
But that bit only took 4 verses, and apparently god wasn't happy with the length of this chapter yet, so he tacks on some instructions about putting fringes on the edges of your garments. The Dutch take this instruction very, very seriously. They will put fringes on literally anything, including other fringes. You're to hold it in place with blue ribbon.
This chapter definitely shows us something about god's thought process, eh? First off, some clarifications about sacrifices, namely Aaron is thirsty and wants you to bring wine, mmmkay? Hey wait! Stone that guy to death! Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. Put fringes on your garments...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Numbers, Chapter 14
The Israelites are whining again some more and decide to return to Egypt. Moses and Aaron prostrate themselves before them, and Joshua and Caleb try to argue for taking the land that was promised them, saying the Canaanites will be defenseless in the face of god. The people decide to stone Joshua and Caleb. Heh.
God, despite having promised Noah that he wouldn't kill everybody anymore, offers to kill them and let Moses start over with a new people. Moses convinces him not to with the old argument that the Egyptians and Canaanites will say he wasn't able to lead his people so he killed them instead. He flatters god, saying The LORD is long-suffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation (v. 18). Nobody, not god, not Moses, not Jerry Falwell, takes note of the irony of that verse, a 'merciful' god that punishes you for stuff your great-grandfather did.
God is convinced not to kill everybody, just the people over 20. He also decides to save Caleb's and Joshua's clans. His method will be to send them into the wilderness for 40 years, because the spies stayed 40 days. Yup, that's showing them mercy, all right.
As for the spies themselves? Well, they die of plague. The people hear about this and decide to go get Canaan right now. They attack over Moses' protests that god isn't with them, and get their stupid asses killed.
God, despite having promised Noah that he wouldn't kill everybody anymore, offers to kill them and let Moses start over with a new people. Moses convinces him not to with the old argument that the Egyptians and Canaanites will say he wasn't able to lead his people so he killed them instead. He flatters god, saying The LORD is long-suffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation (v. 18). Nobody, not god, not Moses, not Jerry Falwell, takes note of the irony of that verse, a 'merciful' god that punishes you for stuff your great-grandfather did.
God is convinced not to kill everybody, just the people over 20. He also decides to save Caleb's and Joshua's clans. His method will be to send them into the wilderness for 40 years, because the spies stayed 40 days. Yup, that's showing them mercy, all right.
As for the spies themselves? Well, they die of plague. The people hear about this and decide to go get Canaan right now. They attack over Moses' protests that god isn't with them, and get their stupid asses killed.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Numbers Chapters 12 & 13
Chapter 12
Miriam and Aaron complain about Moses' new Ethiopian wife. She's black, ya'll. They want equal pay for equal work. Verse 3 says Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.There are a lot of words I would use to describe Moses, and meek is not among them. Authoritarian, dictator, tyrant, despot. I might use those words. But certainly not meek. Also, he's the author, mind, and clearly not a reliable narrator.
God humours them a bit and tells them to come to the temple. He tells them if they have a prophet, he'll speak to him in a vision. He says he speaks face to face with Moses, and asks why they weren't afraid to criticize him. God gets angry and leaves, but not before cursing Miriam with a disease that turns her skin white. Aaron diagnoses leprosy. He begs Moses' forgiveness and asks him to heal her. Moses in turn asks god, who tells him to exile her for seven days, delaying the trip to Paran.
Now, why doesn't Aaron get punished? He also escaped scot-free from the golden calf incident. And also, in Exodus 34, god forbids intermarriage, so why is Moses allowed to do it?
Chapter 13
God tells Moses to send someone from each tribe to spy on Canaan. They're to report on the people, arable land and natural resources. He also tells them to steal grapes if possible. They go and find the children of Anak, or the Nephilim, the children of angels and earthly women, who are giants. This was mentioned in Genesis, and was part of the reason for the flood, which nothing but what Noah had on the ark is supposed to have survived, but of course Jerry glosses over that fact. They also bring back a grape vine so big it takes two of them to carry it, as well as some other fruit.
They come back 40 days later and report that it is indeed a land of milk and honey, but the people are strong and live in fortified cities. Caleb wants to attack right away. The others are reluctant, and report that the land is full of giants and there have been many wars over the bountiful soil. You're telling me.
Miriam and Aaron complain about Moses' new Ethiopian wife. She's black, ya'll. They want equal pay for equal work. Verse 3 says Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.There are a lot of words I would use to describe Moses, and meek is not among them. Authoritarian, dictator, tyrant, despot. I might use those words. But certainly not meek. Also, he's the author, mind, and clearly not a reliable narrator.
God humours them a bit and tells them to come to the temple. He tells them if they have a prophet, he'll speak to him in a vision. He says he speaks face to face with Moses, and asks why they weren't afraid to criticize him. God gets angry and leaves, but not before cursing Miriam with a disease that turns her skin white. Aaron diagnoses leprosy. He begs Moses' forgiveness and asks him to heal her. Moses in turn asks god, who tells him to exile her for seven days, delaying the trip to Paran.
Now, why doesn't Aaron get punished? He also escaped scot-free from the golden calf incident. And also, in Exodus 34, god forbids intermarriage, so why is Moses allowed to do it?
Chapter 13
God tells Moses to send someone from each tribe to spy on Canaan. They're to report on the people, arable land and natural resources. He also tells them to steal grapes if possible. They go and find the children of Anak, or the Nephilim, the children of angels and earthly women, who are giants. This was mentioned in Genesis, and was part of the reason for the flood, which nothing but what Noah had on the ark is supposed to have survived, but of course Jerry glosses over that fact. They also bring back a grape vine so big it takes two of them to carry it, as well as some other fruit.
They come back 40 days later and report that it is indeed a land of milk and honey, but the people are strong and live in fortified cities. Caleb wants to attack right away. The others are reluctant, and report that the land is full of giants and there have been many wars over the bountiful soil. You're telling me.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Numbers 10 & 11
Chapter 10
Moses is instructed to make silver trumpets to call people together. He's given instructions on how to use them: when both are blown, it's worship time, if only one is blown, the tribal leaders are to gather, one alarm: the eastern army, two alarms: southern army is to gather. Aaron and his sons are the chief trumpeters. If they are attacked, they can trumpet for god. Other occasions for trumpeting: feasts, funerals, the first day of the month, over burnt and peace offerings.
New story: One day, the cloud lifts from the temple and goes to Paran. They leave in tribal order, taking the tabernacle. Only Hobab, Moses' brother-in-law, doesn't want to go, preferring to return to Midian. Moses tries to convince him to stay, flattering his knowledge of desert camping, and promises him divine rewards. Moses also asks god to scatter their enemies in their wake.
Chapter 11
If you don't want to read, you can watch a summary of this chapter here. Note the Christian responders, who can only say 'You're taking this story out of context!' as he describes the entire chapter. Also note they don't provide any context themselves.
Some people start complaining and god burns them to death. Jerry insists it was only the shrubs or possibly the tents, but the text says the fire of the LORD burn among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp (v. 1) and this is the definitive version, as far as many of his ilk are concerned. They complain to Moses, who asks god to stop.
Next, they bitch about not having any meat or fresh vegetables, onlyelven bread manna. Moses is also frustrated, and asks god for meat for the people. God tells him to gather 70 tribal elders for a chat. He also promises meat the next day, and every day for the next month, until they're sick of it. Moses makes sure to get a promise that god won't slaughter all their animals or overfish.
Moses gathers the leaders, but two of them, Eldad and Medad stay behind and start prophesying. A snitch tells Moses what's happening. Joshua asks Moses to forbid it, but Moses says he wishes more people were prophets, because he's tired of it. They go back to camp.
The next day, quails fly in from the sea in great numbers and start dropping dead around the camp. The people gather them, and as they're eating them, god unleashes a plague on the worst of them. The Israelites call the place Kibroth-hattaavah and then leave for a place called Hazeroth. For those of you keeping track, that would be two mass killings in one chapter.
Moses is instructed to make silver trumpets to call people together. He's given instructions on how to use them: when both are blown, it's worship time, if only one is blown, the tribal leaders are to gather, one alarm: the eastern army, two alarms: southern army is to gather. Aaron and his sons are the chief trumpeters. If they are attacked, they can trumpet for god. Other occasions for trumpeting: feasts, funerals, the first day of the month, over burnt and peace offerings.
New story: One day, the cloud lifts from the temple and goes to Paran. They leave in tribal order, taking the tabernacle. Only Hobab, Moses' brother-in-law, doesn't want to go, preferring to return to Midian. Moses tries to convince him to stay, flattering his knowledge of desert camping, and promises him divine rewards. Moses also asks god to scatter their enemies in their wake.
Chapter 11
If you don't want to read, you can watch a summary of this chapter here. Note the Christian responders, who can only say 'You're taking this story out of context!' as he describes the entire chapter. Also note they don't provide any context themselves.
Some people start complaining and god burns them to death. Jerry insists it was only the shrubs or possibly the tents, but the text says the fire of the LORD burn among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp (v. 1) and this is the definitive version, as far as many of his ilk are concerned. They complain to Moses, who asks god to stop.
Next, they bitch about not having any meat or fresh vegetables, only
Moses gathers the leaders, but two of them, Eldad and Medad stay behind and start prophesying. A snitch tells Moses what's happening. Joshua asks Moses to forbid it, but Moses says he wishes more people were prophets, because he's tired of it. They go back to camp.
The next day, quails fly in from the sea in great numbers and start dropping dead around the camp. The people gather them, and as they're eating them, god unleashes a plague on the worst of them. The Israelites call the place Kibroth-hattaavah and then leave for a place called Hazeroth. For those of you keeping track, that would be two mass killings in one chapter.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Numbers, Chapters 6-9
Chapter 6
The Nazarites were the Israelite equivalent of Buddhist monks and nuns, apparently. It was normally temporary, and the vows were taken in expectation of wish fulfillment. They had to stay away from all grape products, and couldn't cut their hair. They also had to stay away from all dead bodies, even close family members. If someone does die nearby, they have to shave their heads and make sacrifices. Likewise when they finish their sojourn, they have to make a sacrifice and shave. The reward is, they can drink again.
Chapter 7
After Moses sets up the tabernacle, the princes of Israel show up with money and sacrificial animals. Each one sacrifices a bullock, a ram, a lamb and a kid goat, then 2 oxen, 5 rams, 5 lambs, goats and rams. That is a lot of meat. Must have been one hell of a barbecue. At the end, Moses hears a voice coming from the Mercy Seat but it is not identified.
Chapter 8
God tells Moses to tell Aaron to light the candles. Then the Levites have to take a bath, shave all their body hair, and do laundry. Oh yeah, we're back on laundry. Then they have to sacrifice two bullocks. He says they are now his, because of the whole firstborn thing in Egypt and how he gave back the first-born Israelites so he could have all the Levites instead. So all Levites have to do temple service from ages 25 to 50.
Chapter 9
God reminds the Israelites to celebrate Passover. The cemetery workers' union demands to be let in, and it is decided that they, along with the Teamsters (or, if you prefer, men who are on a journey) can celebrate too, but a month later. Strangers can also celebrate the holiday.
Then, in a total non-sequitur, god appears as a cloud again, and starts playing keep-away with them. If the cloud left, they had to move. If it was there in the morning, they could stay. The first and last time in history that people prayed for foggy days.
The Nazarites were the Israelite equivalent of Buddhist monks and nuns, apparently. It was normally temporary, and the vows were taken in expectation of wish fulfillment. They had to stay away from all grape products, and couldn't cut their hair. They also had to stay away from all dead bodies, even close family members. If someone does die nearby, they have to shave their heads and make sacrifices. Likewise when they finish their sojourn, they have to make a sacrifice and shave. The reward is, they can drink again.
Chapter 7
After Moses sets up the tabernacle, the princes of Israel show up with money and sacrificial animals. Each one sacrifices a bullock, a ram, a lamb and a kid goat, then 2 oxen, 5 rams, 5 lambs, goats and rams. That is a lot of meat. Must have been one hell of a barbecue. At the end, Moses hears a voice coming from the Mercy Seat but it is not identified.
Chapter 8
God tells Moses to tell Aaron to light the candles. Then the Levites have to take a bath, shave all their body hair, and do laundry. Oh yeah, we're back on laundry. Then they have to sacrifice two bullocks. He says they are now his, because of the whole firstborn thing in Egypt and how he gave back the first-born Israelites so he could have all the Levites instead. So all Levites have to do temple service from ages 25 to 50.
Chapter 9
God reminds the Israelites to celebrate Passover. The cemetery workers' union demands to be let in, and it is decided that they, along with the Teamsters (or, if you prefer, men who are on a journey) can celebrate too, but a month later. Strangers can also celebrate the holiday.
Then, in a total non-sequitur, god appears as a cloud again, and starts playing keep-away with them. If the cloud left, they had to move. If it was there in the morning, they could stay. The first and last time in history that people prayed for foggy days.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Numbers 4 & 5
Chapter 4
Is a packing list. Aaron and his sons have to wrap all the sacred objects up, then the Kohathites have to carry it. If they look at anything, they die. Other tribes have to carry the poles and the curtains. It's that exciting.
Chapter 5
Off the census and onto rules. Lepers and other people with running sores have to be exiled. Nice compassionate god there, eh? Jerry says it's because god was in the camp, so things had to be clean. People who have sinned have to confess and give back anything they stole, plus 20 percent and a ram.
Women who commit adultery are impure, even if they don't get caught. If a man suspects his wife of adultery, he can take her to the priest and make a jealousy offering of barley meal. Then the priest brings the woman in front of god, mixes some holy water (possibly a euphemism for sperm!) with floor dirt, and then she has to drink it. If she's innocent, it won't hurt her, and she'll have children, but if she's guilty, she'll be infertile. There is no punishment for the jealous husband, whether he's a cuckold or not. Nor are there repercussions for unfaithful men.
Okay, first of all, this sounds a lot like magic to me, making a woman drink muddy jism and seeing if it hurts her. Jerry's down with it because it's god, but I'm not. At least it probably won't kill her, unlike say witch dunking. Second, why does an omniscient god need to go through this elaborate ritual to find out if she cheated or not?
Is a packing list. Aaron and his sons have to wrap all the sacred objects up, then the Kohathites have to carry it. If they look at anything, they die. Other tribes have to carry the poles and the curtains. It's that exciting.
Chapter 5
Off the census and onto rules. Lepers and other people with running sores have to be exiled. Nice compassionate god there, eh? Jerry says it's because god was in the camp, so things had to be clean. People who have sinned have to confess and give back anything they stole, plus 20 percent and a ram.
Women who commit adultery are impure, even if they don't get caught. If a man suspects his wife of adultery, he can take her to the priest and make a jealousy offering of barley meal. Then the priest brings the woman in front of god, mixes some holy water (possibly a euphemism for sperm!) with floor dirt, and then she has to drink it. If she's innocent, it won't hurt her, and she'll have children, but if she's guilty, she'll be infertile. There is no punishment for the jealous husband, whether he's a cuckold or not. Nor are there repercussions for unfaithful men.
Okay, first of all, this sounds a lot like magic to me, making a woman drink muddy jism and seeing if it hurts her. Jerry's down with it because it's god, but I'm not. At least it probably won't kill her, unlike say witch dunking. Second, why does an omniscient god need to go through this elaborate ritual to find out if she cheated or not?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Numbers 1-3
I'm guessing that Michele Bachmann has never read this book, for all that she claims to be a bible-reading Christian, because it deals with the first census.
Chapter 1
It's a year after they left Egypt, and God suddenly feels a war coming on. He tells Moses and Aaron to take some tribal leaders and find out how many men over the age of 20 there are. In total there are 603 550 adult males. How many armies today are that size? Up from a total population of 70 just 400 years ago. So in those 400 years, every woman would have had to give birth to 51 children with no deaths in order to produce these figures. Jerry, of course, pronounces them accurate and attributes it to god's bountifulness.
The Levites don't have to join the army, because they're needed in the tabernacle, and also to kill any foreigners that try to enter the temple. So much for that 'brotherhood of man' stuff from Leviticus.
Chapter 2
The tribes are enumerated again, told to make a standard for themselves, and where to camp.
Chapter 3
The census of the Levites. We are reminded that two of Aaron's sons died for using the wrong incense and he has two surviving. The rest of them are to become temple employees, especially security guards. Moses is ordered to count all the Levite males over 1 month old. We then get a list of how many Levites there were in each family, and what their specific tasks were to be in tabernacle care and upkeep. Altogether, there are 22 000 of them. Now, a while ago, god said all the firstborns were his. Now he changes his mind and decides the Levites are his instead. Problem: there are 22 273 first-borns, and only 22 000 Levites. Never one to turn down a money-making opportunity, god decides that the other 273 first-borns can 'redeem' themselves for 5 shekels, which will be given to Aaron. Apparently non-Levite Jews still give this money to the temple for their first-born sons.
Chapter 1
It's a year after they left Egypt, and God suddenly feels a war coming on. He tells Moses and Aaron to take some tribal leaders and find out how many men over the age of 20 there are. In total there are 603 550 adult males. How many armies today are that size? Up from a total population of 70 just 400 years ago. So in those 400 years, every woman would have had to give birth to 51 children with no deaths in order to produce these figures. Jerry, of course, pronounces them accurate and attributes it to god's bountifulness.
The Levites don't have to join the army, because they're needed in the tabernacle, and also to kill any foreigners that try to enter the temple. So much for that 'brotherhood of man' stuff from Leviticus.
Chapter 2
The tribes are enumerated again, told to make a standard for themselves, and where to camp.
Chapter 3
The census of the Levites. We are reminded that two of Aaron's sons died for using the wrong incense and he has two surviving. The rest of them are to become temple employees, especially security guards. Moses is ordered to count all the Levite males over 1 month old. We then get a list of how many Levites there were in each family, and what their specific tasks were to be in tabernacle care and upkeep. Altogether, there are 22 000 of them. Now, a while ago, god said all the firstborns were his. Now he changes his mind and decides the Levites are his instead. Problem: there are 22 273 first-borns, and only 22 000 Levites. Never one to turn down a money-making opportunity, god decides that the other 273 first-borns can 'redeem' themselves for 5 shekels, which will be given to Aaron. Apparently non-Levite Jews still give this money to the temple for their first-born sons.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Leviticus Chapters 23-27
Chapter 23
God lays out the holiday calendar. Passover begins the fourteenth day of the first month, the feast of unleavened bread on the fifteenth. Daily sacrifices must be made. When they finally inherit Canaan, they are to make a wave offering of their first harvest. Jews out there will be happy to know that according to Jerry Falwell, the wave offering involved making the sign of the cross.
At the same time as they wave the grain in the shape of a cross, the Israelites are to sacrifice a lamb along with some bread and wine. They can't eat anything that day until they do this. This is a law unto eternity.
Fifty days later, they have to make another offering, this time of bread, lambs, bullocks and rams, followed by a kid goat and two more lambs. No work that day. This is also supposed to be eternal.
Next is the feast of trumpets, also known as Rosh Hoshannah, which happens on the first day of the seventh month. This coincides with the harvest. They are to have a memorial blowing of trumpets (v. 24) and a convocation and not do any work.
The tenth day is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, which also involves sacrifices and no work. Anyone who does work is banished. This is also in perpetuity.
The fifteenth day will be Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles, or the Feast of Booths, when they have to build a hut of boughs or palm fronds and live in them for seven days. This is also to be done forever, and is to remind them of their rescue from Egypt.
Mind you, contemporary Christians don't have to do any of these feasts, because either Jesus' death negated them (Passover, Unleavened bread, Firstfruits, Pentecost) or we won't celebrate them again until the rapture. Except for the Christians who do celebrate Pentecost or Whitsuntide, which would be most of Europe. Of course they do it because of Acts, which I haven't go to yet. I can't wait until Relevations, one because it will be the end of this project, and two because that's when Jerry will no doubt endorse the Left Behind series.
Chapter 24
God commands Aaron to keep the lamps lit inside the temple at night. Then he tells him to bake 12 loaves of bread every sabbath and put them on the table, and only he and his sons can eat it.
Then a half-Israelite curses god in the middle of a fight. This stops everyone dead in their tracks. They take him to Moses, who puts him in jail while he consults with god. Sensing an opportunity to put the fear of god into his people by example, he returns a verdict of death by stoning. So they do, and then god reminds them of the whole 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth' routine. See Monty Python's take on this chapter.
Chapter 25
Every seven years, the Israelites are to let their land lie fallow. God promises good harvests in the sixth year. Yeah, that'll work.
God also turns everybody into long-term leaseholders rather than property owners. On the fiftieth year, they have to set slaves free and return property to its owner, who of course is god. What do you want to bet Moses and Aaron are his 'realtors'? You also have to return anything you bought to its rightful owner. This rule does not apply to houses in walled cities, unless it was bought from a Levite, in which case it reverts back to him in the jubilee, thus preventing agricultural land barons from cropping up and trying to take power away from the priestly ruling class. Apparently, there is only one record of this in Israelite history, in 587 BCE, and then they realized what a stupid idea it was and went back to holding permanent title to their land.
If your brother becomes poor, you should let him live with you and not charge him interest on his rent or food. You can't enslave him, you have to hire him, and he can leave at the jubilee.
No, slaves must be from the heathens around the Israelites, and you don't have to set them or their children free. They or their family members can buy their freedom, and then pay you from the year you bought him to the jubilee year. In the time you have him, you may treat him with rigour. So what about Leviticus 24:22, which says Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country. For I am the LORD your God? Is this universal brotherhood, or a tribal society that divides the world into Us and Them? If in doubt, see Exodus 12: 29-36, the death of the first born sons.
Chapter 26
Apparently, this chapter, which contains the rewards and punishments for breaking the various laws, was typical of the area and era. Of course, Jerry can't go further and draw the conclusion that this book is just like all the rest, an iron age legal text that whose proper place is as a world history document like the others.
First, no idol worship, and keep the sabbath. The rewards: timely rain, good harvests, safety from predators, peace, victory over enemies, to the point where five Israelites can beat 100 enemies, and a hundred will triumph over 10 000. Actually, according to an excellent essay in The New Yorker, this should have been possible, as long as they didn't follow the conventional rules. Other rewards: children, good food stores, the tabernacle, and god will walk among them.
But because curses are so much more fun than blessings, there are many more of them: plagues, child cannibalism by strangers, whom you will then be killed in front of, bad harvests, child-eating predators, sick livestock, no trade, raiders, hunger pangs, cannibalism of your own children, killing you and throwing your bodies on false idols, non-acceptance of sacrifices, destruction of crops and cities, people will be so fearful they'll drop dead at the sight of a fallen leaf, which will render them unable to face their enemies, death among the heathens, wasting disease.
But there is hope! Confession and humbleness, followed by punishment will lead to redemption and restoration.
Chapter 27
Finally, how to buy your stuff back from the temple, and the various fees incurred. Why end here? Why not put it before the punishments, which would lead to a nice, dramatic finish?
First, how much you have to pay to free a person who has been promised to the temple. Males of working age: 50 shekels. Women: 30. Adolescent males: 20, females: 10. Boys from 1 month to 5 years: 5, girls: 3. Men over 60: 15, women: 10. Note that babies under 1 month are not mentioned. So far, I have not seen much evidence that the bible is anti-abortion.
Beasts brought before the priests to be offered as sacrifices cannot be altered. Unclean animals cannot be sacrificed, and if you want to buy it back, you have to pay 20 per cent extra. Apparently priests could charge interest, just not you.
If you promise your house, the priest gives a price estimate. If you decide to buy it back, 20 percent. Fields are to be estimated by crop yields and the amount of time before the next jubilee. Change your mind? 20 percent 'administration fee.'
No buying back firstlings of the flock, they're god's. Unclean beasts are to be bought back at 20 percent. No holy thing can be bought back. Tithing is mandatory, and the collection fee for non-tithers is 20 percent.
God lays out the holiday calendar. Passover begins the fourteenth day of the first month, the feast of unleavened bread on the fifteenth. Daily sacrifices must be made. When they finally inherit Canaan, they are to make a wave offering of their first harvest. Jews out there will be happy to know that according to Jerry Falwell, the wave offering involved making the sign of the cross.
At the same time as they wave the grain in the shape of a cross, the Israelites are to sacrifice a lamb along with some bread and wine. They can't eat anything that day until they do this. This is a law unto eternity.
Fifty days later, they have to make another offering, this time of bread, lambs, bullocks and rams, followed by a kid goat and two more lambs. No work that day. This is also supposed to be eternal.
Next is the feast of trumpets, also known as Rosh Hoshannah, which happens on the first day of the seventh month. This coincides with the harvest. They are to have a memorial blowing of trumpets (v. 24) and a convocation and not do any work.
The tenth day is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, which also involves sacrifices and no work. Anyone who does work is banished. This is also in perpetuity.
The fifteenth day will be Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles, or the Feast of Booths, when they have to build a hut of boughs or palm fronds and live in them for seven days. This is also to be done forever, and is to remind them of their rescue from Egypt.
Mind you, contemporary Christians don't have to do any of these feasts, because either Jesus' death negated them (Passover, Unleavened bread, Firstfruits, Pentecost) or we won't celebrate them again until the rapture. Except for the Christians who do celebrate Pentecost or Whitsuntide, which would be most of Europe. Of course they do it because of Acts, which I haven't go to yet. I can't wait until Relevations, one because it will be the end of this project, and two because that's when Jerry will no doubt endorse the Left Behind series.
Chapter 24
God commands Aaron to keep the lamps lit inside the temple at night. Then he tells him to bake 12 loaves of bread every sabbath and put them on the table, and only he and his sons can eat it.
Then a half-Israelite curses god in the middle of a fight. This stops everyone dead in their tracks. They take him to Moses, who puts him in jail while he consults with god. Sensing an opportunity to put the fear of god into his people by example, he returns a verdict of death by stoning. So they do, and then god reminds them of the whole 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth' routine. See Monty Python's take on this chapter.
Chapter 25
Every seven years, the Israelites are to let their land lie fallow. God promises good harvests in the sixth year. Yeah, that'll work.
God also turns everybody into long-term leaseholders rather than property owners. On the fiftieth year, they have to set slaves free and return property to its owner, who of course is god. What do you want to bet Moses and Aaron are his 'realtors'? You also have to return anything you bought to its rightful owner. This rule does not apply to houses in walled cities, unless it was bought from a Levite, in which case it reverts back to him in the jubilee, thus preventing agricultural land barons from cropping up and trying to take power away from the priestly ruling class. Apparently, there is only one record of this in Israelite history, in 587 BCE, and then they realized what a stupid idea it was and went back to holding permanent title to their land.
If your brother becomes poor, you should let him live with you and not charge him interest on his rent or food. You can't enslave him, you have to hire him, and he can leave at the jubilee.
No, slaves must be from the heathens around the Israelites, and you don't have to set them or their children free. They or their family members can buy their freedom, and then pay you from the year you bought him to the jubilee year. In the time you have him, you may treat him with rigour. So what about Leviticus 24:22, which says Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country. For I am the LORD your God? Is this universal brotherhood, or a tribal society that divides the world into Us and Them? If in doubt, see Exodus 12: 29-36, the death of the first born sons.
Chapter 26
Apparently, this chapter, which contains the rewards and punishments for breaking the various laws, was typical of the area and era. Of course, Jerry can't go further and draw the conclusion that this book is just like all the rest, an iron age legal text that whose proper place is as a world history document like the others.
First, no idol worship, and keep the sabbath. The rewards: timely rain, good harvests, safety from predators, peace, victory over enemies, to the point where five Israelites can beat 100 enemies, and a hundred will triumph over 10 000. Actually, according to an excellent essay in The New Yorker, this should have been possible, as long as they didn't follow the conventional rules. Other rewards: children, good food stores, the tabernacle, and god will walk among them.
But because curses are so much more fun than blessings, there are many more of them: plagues, child cannibalism by strangers, whom you will then be killed in front of, bad harvests, child-eating predators, sick livestock, no trade, raiders, hunger pangs, cannibalism of your own children, killing you and throwing your bodies on false idols, non-acceptance of sacrifices, destruction of crops and cities, people will be so fearful they'll drop dead at the sight of a fallen leaf, which will render them unable to face their enemies, death among the heathens, wasting disease.
But there is hope! Confession and humbleness, followed by punishment will lead to redemption and restoration.
Chapter 27
Finally, how to buy your stuff back from the temple, and the various fees incurred. Why end here? Why not put it before the punishments, which would lead to a nice, dramatic finish?
First, how much you have to pay to free a person who has been promised to the temple. Males of working age: 50 shekels. Women: 30. Adolescent males: 20, females: 10. Boys from 1 month to 5 years: 5, girls: 3. Men over 60: 15, women: 10. Note that babies under 1 month are not mentioned. So far, I have not seen much evidence that the bible is anti-abortion.
Beasts brought before the priests to be offered as sacrifices cannot be altered. Unclean animals cannot be sacrificed, and if you want to buy it back, you have to pay 20 per cent extra. Apparently priests could charge interest, just not you.
If you promise your house, the priest gives a price estimate. If you decide to buy it back, 20 percent. Fields are to be estimated by crop yields and the amount of time before the next jubilee. Change your mind? 20 percent 'administration fee.'
No buying back firstlings of the flock, they're god's. Unclean beasts are to be bought back at 20 percent. No holy thing can be bought back. Tithing is mandatory, and the collection fee for non-tithers is 20 percent.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Leviticus Chapters 18-20
Jerry actually has something insightful to say about chapter 18, and the entire book of Leviticus: "The literary structure is interesting in that it resembles the basic form of the vassal or suzerainty treaties of the kings of the ancient Near East. The vassal treaties were made between a great king and a people whom he wished to bring under his rule. He usually identified himself in the preamble; thus here I am the LORD god (v. 2)." If only he could complete that thought and realize it's Moses that's making this agreement.
Chapter 18
In the agreement, god reminds them not to adopt the practices of the Egyptians or the Canaanites, which apparently includes a lot of deviant sex.
First, no sex with your relatives, which includes your father, mother sisters, half-sisters, step-sisters, nieces, granddaughters, paternal and maternal aunts, paternal uncles, daughters-in-law, sisters-in-law. No marrying mothers and daughters, grandmothers and granddaughters, or marrying your wife's sister to spite her. Jerry says this is because the Canaanites did all of these, but I find that hard to believe. Every society, no matter how primitive, has rules about who can and cannot have sex. Usually, it's the relatives who have names: mother, grandmother, cousin, etc. Granted, many have fewer words and tolerate uncle-niece or cousin marriage, but the point is, they do have a moral system about this.
No sex with a woman who has her period, or your neighbour's wife.
No child sacrifice. Again, supposedly a practice of the Canaanites. But even today, every country has myths about its neighbours. For example, Canadians will tell you that Americans know nothing about Canada, while we have to learn everything about the USA at school. First, ignorance about Canada is not limited to one country. The next time a Canadian makes that claim, ask him or her what the capital of New Brunswick is (unless he or she is from New Brunswick, in which case you should ask the capital of Saskatchewan) or when and where and why the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in North America. Then ask the person if Americans sacrifice babies. They will probably have an answer based on universal health care.
And the biggie for Christians, the one that is most frequently used to justify denying rights to gays: no homosexual sex.
No bestiality, for men or women.
The punishment for any of the above transgression was banishment. The laws apply to the Israelites and foreigners who live in their territory.
Jerry actually has nothing to say about homosexuality today. He only gives the historical background of the law, saying it was a practice of the Canaanites and some other tribes. He doesn't even do his usual cop-out of showing why we do or don't have to follow it today with something from the new testaments. So to those Christians who justify their views on homosexuality with this verse: why do we have to follow that one verse, but none of the others in this book? Why aren't children killed for talking back to their parents, and why aren't people banished for having sex with menstruating women? Why only that verse?
Oh, and another thing. I read a blog entry by a Christian who was twisting himself in knots trying to explain why there are two punishments for having sex with a menstruating woman, either the cleanliness ritual or banishment. If you take god out of it and just look at this as a how-to manual, it actually makes sense. Taking the example of London, Ontario, if you go into any park in the city, you'll see a sign that says the maximum fine for having your dog off the leash is $5000. Now, hardly anyone gets a fine that big. Your dog would have to say, attack a child to incur that maximum penalty. Same story here: if you're an agreeable person who makes his sacrifices regularly, you can just be unclean for the day and get on with it. But if you're kind of an asshole and you haven't been keeping up with your religious obligations, they can hold the threat of banishment over your head to keep you in line.
What's most disturbing to me is that you'd have these rulers who want to control every aspect of your life, down to when you do and don't have sex with your own wife, and then punish you when you break them.
Chapter 19
Social ethics. Of a sort.
First, respect your parents, and the sabbath.
No idols.
Sacrifices have to be voluntary, and you have to eat it that day or the next, or it will be rejected.
Leave the corners of your fields unreaped, and don't pick up the grain that falls, and don't go over the vineyards a second time or pick up the fallen grapes. Leave that to the poor.
No stealing or lying or cheating. No false swearing to god, no defrauding or robbing your neighbours. Pay your workers on time. Be nice to deaf and blind people. Be fair in your justice. Don't gossip or do anything to endanger your neighbour's life. Be kind to your brother, confront your neighbour directly so you won't share in his sin. No vengeance towards your enemy's kids (except god, he can curse you up to your grandchildren). Be nice to your neighbour.
No mixing cattle breeds, seeds or linens. Jerry of course, has to link this to abnormal sex practices of the Canaanites, it might be more realistic to think the cloth merchants has a say here.
No sex with engaged slaves whose fiancés haven't yet raised the money for their freedom. This is still a slave-owning society living in tents, after all. The punishment cannot be death for this one, because she wasn't free, it should be a ram.
No eating the fruit from your trees for three years, the fruit from the fourth year is for god, and you can finally have it in the fifth.
No eating blood, which is oddly in the same verse banning divination and sorcery.
No cutting off the hair at the temples or the edges of the beard. According to Jerry this was a practice in a Syrian cult that thought cutting the hair influenced the will of the deity. It's certainly cheaper than sacrificing a goat. Also, no cutting yourself to remember the dead, nor can you tattoo yourself for the same reason.
No prostituting your daughter, which would imply that the Israelites were doing this. The chosen people, mind.
In the next breath, we are reminded keep the sabbath and temple holy, and to avoid witches wizards and mediums.
Then we get back to the good stuff, where we are told to honour the elderly, be kind to strangers and foreigners that live amongst us (is Tom Tancredo aware of this one?), and finally, to use proper weights and measures.
Chapter 20
Primitive notions of justice.
The penalty for child sacrifice to god's main rival Molech: stoning to death, then banishment. How are you supposed to do both of these? I'm thinking there was some room for bribing Aaron here. Of course there is no explanation of why it was fine for god to order Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
The punishment for visiting a medium, witch or wizard: banishment.
Cursing your parents: death, same for adulterous husbands and wives, whether it's between neighbours or step-families or in-laws. Of course Reuben didn't suffer this fate when he had sex with his step-mother.
Homosexual? Death!
Marrying a mother-daughter pair: auto-de-fé for all of them.
Bestiality: death for man or woman and beast.
Sex with your sister, half-sister: banishment.
Again, the punishment for sex with a menstruating woman is banishment. This is so clear, and yet... Jerry has nothing to say about it today, and nor does any major religion that I know of.
Sex with your aunties or sisters-in-law: childlessness. Now seriously, how did Moses think he was going to carry out that particular punishment?
The chapter finishes with a reminder not to be like the Canaanites and a promise to give their land to them, and a final ruling on witches and wizards: death by stoning!
Oh yes, the answers: Fredericton is the capital of New Brunswick, not Saint John, which is another city, or St. John's, which is the capital of Newfoundland, and which most Canadians will answer. Regina is the capital of Saskatchewan, not Saskatoon. And the first feast of Thanksgiving held in North America took place in 1578 in Newfoundland to celebrate explorer Martin Frobisher's survival after an arctic expedition.
Chapter 18
In the agreement, god reminds them not to adopt the practices of the Egyptians or the Canaanites, which apparently includes a lot of deviant sex.
First, no sex with your relatives, which includes your father, mother sisters, half-sisters, step-sisters, nieces, granddaughters, paternal and maternal aunts, paternal uncles, daughters-in-law, sisters-in-law. No marrying mothers and daughters, grandmothers and granddaughters, or marrying your wife's sister to spite her. Jerry says this is because the Canaanites did all of these, but I find that hard to believe. Every society, no matter how primitive, has rules about who can and cannot have sex. Usually, it's the relatives who have names: mother, grandmother, cousin, etc. Granted, many have fewer words and tolerate uncle-niece or cousin marriage, but the point is, they do have a moral system about this.
No sex with a woman who has her period, or your neighbour's wife.
No child sacrifice. Again, supposedly a practice of the Canaanites. But even today, every country has myths about its neighbours. For example, Canadians will tell you that Americans know nothing about Canada, while we have to learn everything about the USA at school. First, ignorance about Canada is not limited to one country. The next time a Canadian makes that claim, ask him or her what the capital of New Brunswick is (unless he or she is from New Brunswick, in which case you should ask the capital of Saskatchewan) or when and where and why the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in North America. Then ask the person if Americans sacrifice babies. They will probably have an answer based on universal health care.
And the biggie for Christians, the one that is most frequently used to justify denying rights to gays: no homosexual sex.
No bestiality, for men or women.
The punishment for any of the above transgression was banishment. The laws apply to the Israelites and foreigners who live in their territory.
Jerry actually has nothing to say about homosexuality today. He only gives the historical background of the law, saying it was a practice of the Canaanites and some other tribes. He doesn't even do his usual cop-out of showing why we do or don't have to follow it today with something from the new testaments. So to those Christians who justify their views on homosexuality with this verse: why do we have to follow that one verse, but none of the others in this book? Why aren't children killed for talking back to their parents, and why aren't people banished for having sex with menstruating women? Why only that verse?
Oh, and another thing. I read a blog entry by a Christian who was twisting himself in knots trying to explain why there are two punishments for having sex with a menstruating woman, either the cleanliness ritual or banishment. If you take god out of it and just look at this as a how-to manual, it actually makes sense. Taking the example of London, Ontario, if you go into any park in the city, you'll see a sign that says the maximum fine for having your dog off the leash is $5000. Now, hardly anyone gets a fine that big. Your dog would have to say, attack a child to incur that maximum penalty. Same story here: if you're an agreeable person who makes his sacrifices regularly, you can just be unclean for the day and get on with it. But if you're kind of an asshole and you haven't been keeping up with your religious obligations, they can hold the threat of banishment over your head to keep you in line.
What's most disturbing to me is that you'd have these rulers who want to control every aspect of your life, down to when you do and don't have sex with your own wife, and then punish you when you break them.
Chapter 19
Social ethics. Of a sort.
First, respect your parents, and the sabbath.
No idols.
Sacrifices have to be voluntary, and you have to eat it that day or the next, or it will be rejected.
Leave the corners of your fields unreaped, and don't pick up the grain that falls, and don't go over the vineyards a second time or pick up the fallen grapes. Leave that to the poor.
No stealing or lying or cheating. No false swearing to god, no defrauding or robbing your neighbours. Pay your workers on time. Be nice to deaf and blind people. Be fair in your justice. Don't gossip or do anything to endanger your neighbour's life. Be kind to your brother, confront your neighbour directly so you won't share in his sin. No vengeance towards your enemy's kids (except god, he can curse you up to your grandchildren). Be nice to your neighbour.
No mixing cattle breeds, seeds or linens. Jerry of course, has to link this to abnormal sex practices of the Canaanites, it might be more realistic to think the cloth merchants has a say here.
No sex with engaged slaves whose fiancés haven't yet raised the money for their freedom. This is still a slave-owning society living in tents, after all. The punishment cannot be death for this one, because she wasn't free, it should be a ram.
No eating the fruit from your trees for three years, the fruit from the fourth year is for god, and you can finally have it in the fifth.
No eating blood, which is oddly in the same verse banning divination and sorcery.
No cutting off the hair at the temples or the edges of the beard. According to Jerry this was a practice in a Syrian cult that thought cutting the hair influenced the will of the deity. It's certainly cheaper than sacrificing a goat. Also, no cutting yourself to remember the dead, nor can you tattoo yourself for the same reason.
No prostituting your daughter, which would imply that the Israelites were doing this. The chosen people, mind.
In the next breath, we are reminded keep the sabbath and temple holy, and to avoid witches wizards and mediums.
Then we get back to the good stuff, where we are told to honour the elderly, be kind to strangers and foreigners that live amongst us (is Tom Tancredo aware of this one?), and finally, to use proper weights and measures.
Chapter 20
Primitive notions of justice.
The penalty for child sacrifice to god's main rival Molech: stoning to death, then banishment. How are you supposed to do both of these? I'm thinking there was some room for bribing Aaron here. Of course there is no explanation of why it was fine for god to order Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
The punishment for visiting a medium, witch or wizard: banishment.
Cursing your parents: death, same for adulterous husbands and wives, whether it's between neighbours or step-families or in-laws. Of course Reuben didn't suffer this fate when he had sex with his step-mother.
Homosexual? Death!
Marrying a mother-daughter pair: auto-de-fé for all of them.
Bestiality: death for man or woman and beast.
Sex with your sister, half-sister: banishment.
Again, the punishment for sex with a menstruating woman is banishment. This is so clear, and yet... Jerry has nothing to say about it today, and nor does any major religion that I know of.
Sex with your aunties or sisters-in-law: childlessness. Now seriously, how did Moses think he was going to carry out that particular punishment?
The chapter finishes with a reminder not to be like the Canaanites and a promise to give their land to them, and a final ruling on witches and wizards: death by stoning!
Oh yes, the answers: Fredericton is the capital of New Brunswick, not Saint John, which is another city, or St. John's, which is the capital of Newfoundland, and which most Canadians will answer. Regina is the capital of Saskatchewan, not Saskatoon. And the first feast of Thanksgiving held in North America took place in 1578 in Newfoundland to celebrate explorer Martin Frobisher's survival after an arctic expedition.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Exodus, Chapters 10-12
How to become a priest. Keep your incenses straight!
Chapter 8
Moses gives Aaron and his sons a ritual bath, then dresses them in the priestly robes. They sacrifice a bunch of animals in the painstakingly detailed ways described in the preceding seven chapters, which you can see here in Lego. Moses then tells them to stay in the bloody, oily, smelly, temple for seven days to finish their investiture.
Chapter 9
On the eighth day, Moses returns and tells them to sacrifice even more animals. This time, they include a calf, the only time this sacrifice is mentioned, to atone for the golden calf episode in Exodus. God sends down some fire to consume the burnt offerings, and the people fall on their faces. In prayer, or biblical slapstick, it isn't clear.
Chapter 10
Aaron's two sons fill a censer with strange fire (v. 1). So god burns them to death. What the strange fire is not clear. Jerry, for once being helpful, has 4 theories: 1) They were the wrong coals 2) it was the wrong time of day 3) only the high priest was permitted to put the coals in the censer 4) they were intoxicated. There's a reason why all the good drugs and 3 major religions come from the same place, yo. The point, however is: make damned sure you have the right incense people, because god gets mighty pissy if you don't.
Moses, the paragon of sympathy, tells his brother it was for the glory of god, and not to mourn, lest god kill him, too. Boy, I bet those Israelites are glad they chose that one all-powerful god over the loose coalition of less-powerful Egyptian gods now! He orders some of their cousins to carry the bodies away. He also forbids Aaron from leaving the tabernacle on pain of death.
The next rule for priests is no drinking. Penalty: death. He says this is a rule forever. Jerry says it's so nothing interferes with their ministry. Hmm... loads of religions allow their priests to drink. And the leaders of every church leave sometimes. I wonder how they justify that.
Moses next tells them to keep themselves holy and clean, so they can teach the others. Finally he tells them to make a sacrifice and eat the meat. But they don't eat the meat, and Moses gets angry. Aaron points out that his sons had eaten their offerings that day, and died, so would god be pleased with him, too? This shuts Moses up.
I cannot emphasise this enough, people: make sure it's the right incense!
Chapter 8
Moses gives Aaron and his sons a ritual bath, then dresses them in the priestly robes. They sacrifice a bunch of animals in the painstakingly detailed ways described in the preceding seven chapters, which you can see here in Lego. Moses then tells them to stay in the bloody, oily, smelly, temple for seven days to finish their investiture.
Chapter 9
On the eighth day, Moses returns and tells them to sacrifice even more animals. This time, they include a calf, the only time this sacrifice is mentioned, to atone for the golden calf episode in Exodus. God sends down some fire to consume the burnt offerings, and the people fall on their faces. In prayer, or biblical slapstick, it isn't clear.
Chapter 10
Aaron's two sons fill a censer with strange fire (v. 1). So god burns them to death. What the strange fire is not clear. Jerry, for once being helpful, has 4 theories: 1) They were the wrong coals 2) it was the wrong time of day 3) only the high priest was permitted to put the coals in the censer 4) they were intoxicated. There's a reason why all the good drugs and 3 major religions come from the same place, yo. The point, however is: make damned sure you have the right incense people, because god gets mighty pissy if you don't.
Moses, the paragon of sympathy, tells his brother it was for the glory of god, and not to mourn, lest god kill him, too. Boy, I bet those Israelites are glad they chose that one all-powerful god over the loose coalition of less-powerful Egyptian gods now! He orders some of their cousins to carry the bodies away. He also forbids Aaron from leaving the tabernacle on pain of death.
The next rule for priests is no drinking. Penalty: death. He says this is a rule forever. Jerry says it's so nothing interferes with their ministry. Hmm... loads of religions allow their priests to drink. And the leaders of every church leave sometimes. I wonder how they justify that.
Moses next tells them to keep themselves holy and clean, so they can teach the others. Finally he tells them to make a sacrifice and eat the meat. But they don't eat the meat, and Moses gets angry. Aaron points out that his sons had eaten their offerings that day, and died, so would god be pleased with him, too? This shuts Moses up.
I cannot emphasise this enough, people: make sure it's the right incense!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Exodus Chapters 35-40
Chapter 35
The rules for the sabbath. First of all working on the sabbath, even to kindle a fire, is punishable by death. Then he starts asking for donations. Strangely, they are the same things he's supposed to build the temple with: gold, silver, brass, purple, blue and red linen, ram and badger skin, acacia wood, oil for the lamps, spices for the anointing oil, and stones for the ephod (breastplate for the priests). He also asks for volunteer builders, carpenters and seamstresses, which is odd since god specified who was to build everything a couple of chapters ago. So they go and bring back all the required goods, including the gold they 'borrowed' from their Egyptian neighbours that was left over from the golden calf. Moses calls on Bezaleel, who is from the tribe of Judah (and probably married to one of his daughters) and Aholiab, from the tribe of Dan (and probably one of his nephews) and tells them to build the temple.
Chapter 36
The workers set to building, and the people start bringing stuff. They actually bring too much, and Moses has to call them off. The rest of the chapter painstakingly details every step of the work. This book is a snore compared to Genesis.
Chapter 37
Another long description of how Bezaleel made all the furnishings for inside the temple, including the ark of the covenant. Jerry goes gaga for the candlestick, estimating its worth at 34 000 dollars (no, he doesn't say where he got that figure) and praising it as a sign of the pre-incarnate Christ, because Jesus is the True Light. Somehow, I think Jerry is one of those people who sees the face of Jesus burned onto his toast in the morning. Just a hunch.
Chapter 38
Bezaleel builds the alter and the court. Ithamar, Aaron's son, writes it all down, including the value. Jerry very helpfully calculates the cost at 27 million dollars, which is probably pretty cheap for a church.
Chapter 39
They make the robes and accessories for the priests. Finally, the tabernacle is done, so they take it to Moses who is happy.
Chapter 40
God tells them to set the temple up on the first day of the second month. They do, and Aaron, his sons and Moses wash their feet. Bet you thought they'd fuck it up and get killed didn't you? I was on the edge of my seat. God comes down and promises to live in the tent with them, though I suspect he will continue to only speak to Moses. He comes in the form of a cloud, so the people know that if it's foggy in the morning, they can stay put, but if it's clear, they have to move again. That must have been annoying.
The rules for the sabbath. First of all working on the sabbath, even to kindle a fire, is punishable by death. Then he starts asking for donations. Strangely, they are the same things he's supposed to build the temple with: gold, silver, brass, purple, blue and red linen, ram and badger skin, acacia wood, oil for the lamps, spices for the anointing oil, and stones for the ephod (breastplate for the priests). He also asks for volunteer builders, carpenters and seamstresses, which is odd since god specified who was to build everything a couple of chapters ago. So they go and bring back all the required goods, including the gold they 'borrowed' from their Egyptian neighbours that was left over from the golden calf. Moses calls on Bezaleel, who is from the tribe of Judah (and probably married to one of his daughters) and Aholiab, from the tribe of Dan (and probably one of his nephews) and tells them to build the temple.
Chapter 36
The workers set to building, and the people start bringing stuff. They actually bring too much, and Moses has to call them off. The rest of the chapter painstakingly details every step of the work. This book is a snore compared to Genesis.
Chapter 37
Another long description of how Bezaleel made all the furnishings for inside the temple, including the ark of the covenant. Jerry goes gaga for the candlestick, estimating its worth at 34 000 dollars (no, he doesn't say where he got that figure) and praising it as a sign of the pre-incarnate Christ, because Jesus is the True Light. Somehow, I think Jerry is one of those people who sees the face of Jesus burned onto his toast in the morning. Just a hunch.
Chapter 38
Bezaleel builds the alter and the court. Ithamar, Aaron's son, writes it all down, including the value. Jerry very helpfully calculates the cost at 27 million dollars, which is probably pretty cheap for a church.
Chapter 39
They make the robes and accessories for the priests. Finally, the tabernacle is done, so they take it to Moses who is happy.
Chapter 40
God tells them to set the temple up on the first day of the second month. They do, and Aaron, his sons and Moses wash their feet. Bet you thought they'd fuck it up and get killed didn't you? I was on the edge of my seat. God comes down and promises to live in the tent with them, though I suspect he will continue to only speak to Moses. He comes in the form of a cloud, so the people know that if it's foggy in the morning, they can stay put, but if it's clear, they have to move again. That must have been annoying.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Exodus, Chapters 32-34
Chapter 32
Moses is taking too longbehind the curtain up on the mountain, and the people get restless. They ask Aaron to make them gods, and in the tradition of feckless younger brothers everywhere, he tells them to bring him their golden earrings and he turns them into a golden calf. Jerry has something useful to say here by informing us it's a representation of the Egyptian god of nature, Apis. He also tells us that they're breaking the second commandment about graven images, which apparently is fine if it's on the ark of the covenant, but not here. Aaron builds an altar before it and declares the next day a feast. They get up the next day and have a barbecue, then take off all their clothes and have an orgy. Jerry quickly outlives his usefulness by condemning this activity as 'abominable.' So somehow sacrificing animals and throwing the blood around is fine, but a little healthy recreational sex is sinful. Movie night at Jerry's must be insane.
God notices all this and tells Moses to go back down and watch while he kills them all so Moses can make a great nation. Moses, knowing his power base relies on his being both god's messenger and pork provider, manages to talk him out of it, pointing out that the Egyptians will laugh at him for bringing his people all the way there only to kill them. He reminds him of his promise to Abraham, Isaac and Israel. And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people (v. 14) Of course Jerry is too busy pointing out all the nudity in this chapter to notice that his infallible, perfect, unchanging god changes his mind here and admits that his plan was pretty evil.
Moses then leaves with the tablets. He sees the party and like the straight-laced firstborn son that he is, he punishes the people for having fun. He breaks the tablets then the calf. He burns the calf and grinds it into a powder (somehow, I don't think the writers of this book were chemists), mixes it with water, and makes them drink it. He turns to Aaron, who says he was just doing what the people asked, because they didn't know where Moses was. So he told them to bring him their gold, which he cast into the fire, and presto! Out came a calf. Moses gives up on this line of questioning and asks all the people who is still on his side. The Levites raise their hands. Now we see why Moses convinced god not to kill the people: he prefers to do it himself. He tells them god wants them to gather their swords and slay all the others, whether their brothers, friends or neighbours. So of course they do, because history has proven that humans will do what tyrants tell them, and 3000 people die. So much for 'thou shalt not kill.' It's a wonder anyone managed to live longer than a few days.
The next day, Moses tells the survivors that they have sinned, but he'll go back up and try to atone for their sins. He goes up and confesses that the people have sinned and asks for forgiveness, offering to let himself be blotted out of the book. Jerry has a few theories on what the contents of this book might have been, including that it was a list of believers, or a register of the living, or a list of people who are going to heaven, never mind that there is no afterlife yet. The point is, he's too busy to talk about the 3000 people who just died at the hands of their friends and neighbours for the sake of ideology. God says he'll strike all the sinners' names out of the book and tells him to lead the people to a new place. As punishment, he sends a plague.
Chapter 33
God tells Moses it's time to go to Canaan. He can't come though, because he's still pissed off about the golden calf, and will kill them if he gets too close. The people hear this and put on simple clothes rather than finery. Moses then moves the tabernacle outside the camp. The people watch from their tent doors. As they watch, god descends as a pillar and talks to Moses. They all pray in their tent doors. Moses pleads with god not to abandon them here. He asks to see god's face, and even though we're told in verse 11 that the LORD spake unto moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend, god says no, because no one can see his face and live. He does promise that Moses can go to a certain rock, and he'll pass by, and Moses can see his back parts (v. 23), which is possibly his family jewels.
Chapter 34
God tells Moses to make two stone tablets to replace the ones he broke, and to bring them up the mountain again tomorrow so he can write the commandments again. God comes down on a cloud to meet him and proclaims himselfThe LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth / Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin (v. 6-7) indicating that self-insight is not among his many character traits. Moses sees his chance and bows down to ask god to go among the Israelites and forgive them. He promises to deliver Canaan to them, by driving out the pagans already living there, and warns him not to make any agreements with them, but to break their altars and destroy their crops. What was that he was just saying about being merciful?
He also warns about intermarriage, saying if their sons marry the heathen girls, the girls will make them worship the other gods. He has so much confidence in his people, doesn't he?
God goes on to remind him not to make any more golden calves, to keep the feast of leavened bread, and to kill the firstborn males of their flocks, but not firstborn asses, which are to be replaced by lambs or otherwise strangled. They also have to keep the sabbath and the other feasts, and not boil baby goats in their mothers' milk. He tells Moses to write all this down. Moses somehow goes without water or food for 40 days while writing all this down.
Moses then puts on a veil, supposedly because his face will now frighten the Israelites, but ya'll know he's just an early Michael Jackson. He keeps in on for the rest of his life except when talking to god.
Moses is taking too long
God notices all this and tells Moses to go back down and watch while he kills them all so Moses can make a great nation. Moses, knowing his power base relies on his being both god's messenger and pork provider, manages to talk him out of it, pointing out that the Egyptians will laugh at him for bringing his people all the way there only to kill them. He reminds him of his promise to Abraham, Isaac and Israel. And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people (v. 14) Of course Jerry is too busy pointing out all the nudity in this chapter to notice that his infallible, perfect, unchanging god changes his mind here and admits that his plan was pretty evil.
Moses then leaves with the tablets. He sees the party and like the straight-laced firstborn son that he is, he punishes the people for having fun. He breaks the tablets then the calf. He burns the calf and grinds it into a powder (somehow, I don't think the writers of this book were chemists), mixes it with water, and makes them drink it. He turns to Aaron, who says he was just doing what the people asked, because they didn't know where Moses was. So he told them to bring him their gold, which he cast into the fire, and presto! Out came a calf. Moses gives up on this line of questioning and asks all the people who is still on his side. The Levites raise their hands. Now we see why Moses convinced god not to kill the people: he prefers to do it himself. He tells them god wants them to gather their swords and slay all the others, whether their brothers, friends or neighbours. So of course they do, because history has proven that humans will do what tyrants tell them, and 3000 people die. So much for 'thou shalt not kill.' It's a wonder anyone managed to live longer than a few days.
The next day, Moses tells the survivors that they have sinned, but he'll go back up and try to atone for their sins. He goes up and confesses that the people have sinned and asks for forgiveness, offering to let himself be blotted out of the book. Jerry has a few theories on what the contents of this book might have been, including that it was a list of believers, or a register of the living, or a list of people who are going to heaven, never mind that there is no afterlife yet. The point is, he's too busy to talk about the 3000 people who just died at the hands of their friends and neighbours for the sake of ideology. God says he'll strike all the sinners' names out of the book and tells him to lead the people to a new place. As punishment, he sends a plague.
Chapter 33
God tells Moses it's time to go to Canaan. He can't come though, because he's still pissed off about the golden calf, and will kill them if he gets too close. The people hear this and put on simple clothes rather than finery. Moses then moves the tabernacle outside the camp. The people watch from their tent doors. As they watch, god descends as a pillar and talks to Moses. They all pray in their tent doors. Moses pleads with god not to abandon them here. He asks to see god's face, and even though we're told in verse 11 that the LORD spake unto moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend, god says no, because no one can see his face and live. He does promise that Moses can go to a certain rock, and he'll pass by, and Moses can see his back parts (v. 23), which is possibly his family jewels.
Chapter 34
God tells Moses to make two stone tablets to replace the ones he broke, and to bring them up the mountain again tomorrow so he can write the commandments again. God comes down on a cloud to meet him and proclaims himselfThe LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth / Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin (v. 6-7) indicating that self-insight is not among his many character traits. Moses sees his chance and bows down to ask god to go among the Israelites and forgive them. He promises to deliver Canaan to them, by driving out the pagans already living there, and warns him not to make any agreements with them, but to break their altars and destroy their crops. What was that he was just saying about being merciful?
He also warns about intermarriage, saying if their sons marry the heathen girls, the girls will make them worship the other gods. He has so much confidence in his people, doesn't he?
God goes on to remind him not to make any more golden calves, to keep the feast of leavened bread, and to kill the firstborn males of their flocks, but not firstborn asses, which are to be replaced by lambs or otherwise strangled. They also have to keep the sabbath and the other feasts, and not boil baby goats in their mothers' milk. He tells Moses to write all this down. Moses somehow goes without water or food for 40 days while writing all this down.
Moses then puts on a veil, supposedly because his face will now frighten the Israelites, but ya'll know he's just an early Michael Jackson. He keeps in on for the rest of his life except when talking to god.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Exodus Chapter 24
Moses is invited up the mountain for some more self-serving instructions. He goes back down and builds an altar, on which he sacrifices some cattle. He sprinkles blood on the altar, then reads the text of the covenant to the people, who are happy with what it says. Then he took the blood and sprinkled it on the people (v.8) what must have resembled a scene from the movie Carrie. I wonder if there are churches that still do this? Actually, no I don't. This seals the covenant.
Moses, Aaron and some of the other leaders go back up the hill. God now has sapphire stones under his feet. Cool. I wonder what happens if he clicks his heels together. They have a meal, and god invites Moses to come back up later and get the stone tablets with all the laws written on them. Moses leaves Aaron and someone called Hur in charge and goes up. The mountain is immediately covered by clouds and anyone who looks up is blinded. He stays for 40 days.
Moses, Aaron and some of the other leaders go back up the hill. God now has sapphire stones under his feet. Cool. I wonder what happens if he clicks his heels together. They have a meal, and god invites Moses to come back up later and get the stone tablets with all the laws written on them. Moses leaves Aaron and someone called Hur in charge and goes up. The mountain is immediately covered by clouds and anyone who looks up is blinded. He stays for 40 days.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Exodus Chapter 19
The build-up to the ten commandments.
The Israelites make camp at the foot of Mount Sinai. God calls to Moses from inside the mountain, because in this chapter he's Sauron, and Moses goes up to talk to him. God reminds Moses about how he saved them from the Egyptians, and promises that if they keep their covenant with him, he'll reward the Israelites. Jerry says 'This covenant was given to Israel in order to reveal sin and death. The Law reflected the holiness of a personal God, instructed the people in God's discipline, reminded them through its priests and sacrifices of God's salvation, and acted as a pedagogue to lead them to Christ.' Lets deconstruct every sentence of this, shall we? First off, if the covenant reveals sin and death, why does Jerry get to pick and choose which parts of it to follow? It will tell us eventually that we should kill homosexuals and witches, which Jerry agrees with, but also people who wear mixed fabrics and eat shellfish, which he doesn't seem to mind as much. Next, a personal god. Not till about 2200 years after this book was written, Jerry, or 3000 years according to your biblical timeline, when Luther nailed his theses to the church wall. Up until then, you went to church to find out what god was thinking, which you acknowledge in the second part of that sentence. Also, what sacrifices do you make? And that last bit, about Christ. Any time the KJV mentions an angel, Jerry sees a manifestation of Jesus, even though the Old Testament and the New were written hundreds of years apart. He'll in fact spend so much time looking for signs of the Messiah that he'll miss really important stuff, like polygamy, polytheism and anti-death penalty verses to point them out.
Anyway, god tells Moses to go back to the priests and pass the message along. They promise, and Moses brings their promise back to god. God says he's going to come back in three days in the form of a cloud, and he'll speak loud enough that the people will hear their conversation and believe Moses. Why can't he appear and speak to them directly, exactly? He tells Moses to tell them to get ready and wash their clothes and they'll see him on Sinai. He's to set up barriers around the mountain, and anyone who crosses them, man or beast shall be surely put to death (v. 12) by stoned, or shot through (v. 13), but when the trumpet sounds, they can approach the base, but only Moses can come up. Hmm... god is... the Wizard of Oz? Whatever you do, don'tgo behind the screen come up the mountain!
Moses goes down and tells them to get ready, by doing laundry and abstaining from sex. And on the third day, a dark cloud covers the top of the mountain and the people tremble. Moses leads them to the foot of the mountain. God comes down in fire, but no one can see him for the smoke. Moses calls up to him and is allowed up. God sends him back down to tell people not to look directly at god, otherwise they'll die. He's like a solar eclipse! He says the priests should purify themselves before they come up. Moses points out that he already said no one can come up, and god is too busy and important to remember little things like who he threatened with death and why. He tells Moses to go back down and get Aaron, but no priests and no people, or he'll kill them. Moses goes and relays the message.
The Israelites make camp at the foot of Mount Sinai. God calls to Moses from inside the mountain, because in this chapter he's Sauron, and Moses goes up to talk to him. God reminds Moses about how he saved them from the Egyptians, and promises that if they keep their covenant with him, he'll reward the Israelites. Jerry says 'This covenant was given to Israel in order to reveal sin and death. The Law reflected the holiness of a personal God, instructed the people in God's discipline, reminded them through its priests and sacrifices of God's salvation, and acted as a pedagogue to lead them to Christ.' Lets deconstruct every sentence of this, shall we? First off, if the covenant reveals sin and death, why does Jerry get to pick and choose which parts of it to follow? It will tell us eventually that we should kill homosexuals and witches, which Jerry agrees with, but also people who wear mixed fabrics and eat shellfish, which he doesn't seem to mind as much. Next, a personal god. Not till about 2200 years after this book was written, Jerry, or 3000 years according to your biblical timeline, when Luther nailed his theses to the church wall. Up until then, you went to church to find out what god was thinking, which you acknowledge in the second part of that sentence. Also, what sacrifices do you make? And that last bit, about Christ. Any time the KJV mentions an angel, Jerry sees a manifestation of Jesus, even though the Old Testament and the New were written hundreds of years apart. He'll in fact spend so much time looking for signs of the Messiah that he'll miss really important stuff, like polygamy, polytheism and anti-death penalty verses to point them out.
Anyway, god tells Moses to go back to the priests and pass the message along. They promise, and Moses brings their promise back to god. God says he's going to come back in three days in the form of a cloud, and he'll speak loud enough that the people will hear their conversation and believe Moses. Why can't he appear and speak to them directly, exactly? He tells Moses to tell them to get ready and wash their clothes and they'll see him on Sinai. He's to set up barriers around the mountain, and anyone who crosses them, man or beast shall be surely put to death (v. 12) by stoned, or shot through (v. 13), but when the trumpet sounds, they can approach the base, but only Moses can come up. Hmm... god is... the Wizard of Oz? Whatever you do, don't
Moses goes down and tells them to get ready, by doing laundry and abstaining from sex. And on the third day, a dark cloud covers the top of the mountain and the people tremble. Moses leads them to the foot of the mountain. God comes down in fire, but no one can see him for the smoke. Moses calls up to him and is allowed up. God sends him back down to tell people not to look directly at god, otherwise they'll die. He's like a solar eclipse! He says the priests should purify themselves before they come up. Moses points out that he already said no one can come up, and god is too busy and important to remember little things like who he threatened with death and why. He tells Moses to go back down and get Aaron, but no priests and no people, or he'll kill them. Moses goes and relays the message.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Exodus, Chapters 7-12
The plagues. Which, if you will recall, god has called down on Pharaoh for refusing to release the Israelites. Which god caused him to do.
Chapter 7
God comes back and tells Moses that he and Aaron are going to speak to Pharaoh again, and eventually Pharaoh is going to give in. He promises again to harden Pharaoh's heart and rain down plagues as punishment. After that, they Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD (v. 5). Somehow, I think Pharaoh isn't the only crazy boss in this book.
Moses is now 80, and Aaron 83, which isn't particularly helpful, as we don't know how old they were when this started. God comes to them again and says that Pharaoh is going to ask them for a miracle. They're to do the trick with the rod-as-serpent. They do, and Pharaoh calls up his magicians, who do the same trick, but luckily Aaron's serpent eats all the others.
God hardens Pharaoh's heart again, and then points it out to Moses. He tells him to go down to the river when Pharaoh is bathing and to smite the river so the water turns to blood, which will kill the fish and it will smell and nobody will want to drink it. He tells him to stretch out his hand and this will happen to all the water in Egypt.
Everything goes as predicted, and then for some reason, the Egyptian magicians also turn the waters to blood and nobody can drink. Pharaoh's response is to go into his room and sulk. The Egyptians dig wells all over, but can't find water. This goes on for a week.
So that's the first plague, the plague of blood.
Chapter 8
Frogs!
Jerry does have one useful thing to say about all of these plagues, that they are directed against specific Egyptian deities. If only all of his commentary could be that informative, rather than trying to justify his worldview. This particular plague is against the fertility goddess Heket, who was depicted as a woman with a frog's head. She breathed life into the bodies that her husband fashioned out of clay. So these frogs, normally a sign of fertility, were transformed by the Israelite god into a blight. See, now that's the kind of interesting historical fact that I want to get out of reading this book!
God tells Moses to go again to Pharaoh and threaten him with frogs, frogs everywhere. The magicians do the same thing. Why, exactly? Anyway, Pharaoh calls them to him and says that if god takes the frogs away, he'll let them go make their sacrifices. Moses, stupid fool, doesn't get it in writing, and asks when Pharaoh wants the critters gone. Uh, tomorrow? Moses goes and tells god about the agreement. Of course, Pharaoh forgot to say where the frogs should go, so they all just kind of die where they are, which stinks. Pharaoh renegs on his agreement, possibly of his own accord here.
His punishment is that Moses and Aaron are now to smite the dust of the land so it becomes lice. Gross! The magicians try this one, but aren't able to, so they admit to Pharaoh that it's the finger of god. Pharaoh's heart was hardened (v. 19), so it would seem god is acting upon him again. He just loves the punishment, doesn't he?
God tells Moses that he's to go to Pharaoh and threaten him again, or the next punishment will be flies, but only for the Egyptians. Goshen will be left alone. It happens, and the land is corrupted (v. 24). Pharaoh relents a little and says they can go sacrifice some sheep. Now it isn't good enough, because the Egyptians think sacrifices are an abomination (and really, who disagrees?) and they'll stone them. They have to go into the wilderness for three days. Pharaoh agrees, as long as they don't go too far. He even asks them to make a sacrifice for them. So Moses agrees to call off the flies the next day, but he's smarter now and Makes Pharaoh promise to hold to his promise, but still doesn't get it on paper. God does as asked, and Pharaoh again goes back on his word, this time of his own volition.
Chapter 9
God tells Moses again to go to Pharaoh, this time to threaten him with murrain (v. 3), which is an unspecified livestock disease. The Israelites will again be spared. Apparently, this was an insult to several Egyptian gods, and the Egyptian practice of animal worship, which of course most cat owners are familiar with. Pharaoh has his heart hardened for him, and all the livestock die.
God tells Moses and Aaron to go gather some ashes, then throw it in the air in Pharaoh's sight. The ashes will turn to dust which will raise boils on all the men and remaining animals (presumably the ones that didn't die). The magicians have no response to this, they can't even get up the boils are so painful. God hardens Pharaoh's heart again.
God tells Moses to go again and threaten Pharaoh with even more plagues, so the Egyptians will know there is none like me in all the earth (v. 13). This time he'll sent pestilence against the people. He says he has done this to Pharaoh as a demonstration of his own power, and to make himself more famous but Pharaoh has only exulted himself and refused to let the Israelites go. Prima donnas, these two.
So God says tomorrow he's going to send hail, so he'd better put the cattle (which he just killed, mind) in the barns and harvest the crops today. Some of the Egyptians have learned by now, and they do as they're told, but not all. And Moses stretches out his hands and brings forth the hail.
Is everyone out there familiar with the Milgram experiments, in which people in lab coats told participants to electrocute another 'participant' (who was really a collaborator), whenever they got a wrong answer, and they did, even when the other person complained about his heart condition, screamed, and ceased to respond? 26 out of 40 continued to the very end, administering 450-volt shocks, though all expressed discomfort at doing so. Moses has no compunctions here about unleashing all of these plagues on his fellow human beings. Just pointing this out.
The plague is more than hail, it's also fire, and it kills every man, beast, plant and tree, except in Goshen. Pharaoh calls them to him again and says he has sinned, the lord is righteous and his people are wicked. He asks them to ask god to end the plagues, and they can go. Moses still doesn't get it in writing and promises to go ask God to end the hailstorms. He also says he knows Pharaoh still isn't a true believer, and that even though the flax and barley have been destroyed, the wheat and rye weren't. Moses leaves and the storms end, and god hardens Pharaoh's heart yet again, and the people of Israel still aren't free.
Chapter 10
God sends Moses to Pharaoh once again. He tells Moses that he's mostly doing this to be remembered. As what, a mass murderer? It just occurred to me that Pharaoh is a lot like the movie Being John Malkovitch here. He's never in control of his own brain.
So Moses and Aaron go yet again and ask him how much longer he's going to refuse to humble himself in front of the lord, and to let the Israelites go. If he doesn't do it by tomorrow, the next plague will be locusts, which will eat everything the hail didn't kill. Pharaoh's servants are convinced, and Pharaoh calls them to him and tells them they can go but also wants to know who's going with them. Moses says they all need to be there. Pharaoh says only the men.
God tells Moses to call forth the locusts, and they eat everything. Then a powerful wind comes up and brings the locusts, which darken the land (an insult to the sun god, Ra), which eat everything green. Pharaoh calls them and admits that he has sinned against all of them. He asks them to get god to lift the plague. He does, and the locusts are swept into the sea. But god hardens Pharaoh's heart again.
God makes the darkness explicit and snuffs out the sun for three days. Only the Israelites have light. Pharaoh lets them all go, men, women, children, but no animals. Moses says they need the animals to sacrifice. God hardens Pharaoh's heart again. Pharaoh kicks him out, saying if he sees him again, he'll kill him. Moses says buh-bye.
Chapter 11
God isn't finished yet. He tells Moses that he's got one more plague, and this one will finally convince Pharaoh, and he'll not only let the Israelites go, he'll kick them out. He tells Moses to go to his people and tell them to borrow their neighbour's silver and gold. We are told that the lord favours the Israelites and especially Moses.
Moses says that god has told him he intends to go out at midnight and all the first-born sons in Egypt, from Pharaoh's kid to the maidservant. He's also going to kill the firstborn animals. The people of Egypt will cry, but not the Israelites, because they'll be spared. This will finally convince the people to bow down to him and send them away. He tells Moses and Aaron to threaten Pharaoh with even more monstrous deeds if he doesn't listen. And of course god hardens Pharaoh's heart. What do they tell Christians about this in Sunday school? Guess what, kids? Our god is a mass murderer of children! Just so he can be more famous! Of course Jerry has nothing to say on this except that it's a disaster for the Egyptians.
Chapter 12
God tells Moses and Aaron that he is resetting the calendar from today. In 10 days' time all the families of Egypt are to take a lamb, borrowing one if necessary. It's to be a pretty lamb, male, under a year, either a sheep or a goat. They'll fatten it for 4 days, then kill it on the last evening. They're to take the blood and paint the doors, then eat the meat. They can roast it, and spice it and eat it with unleavened bread. They may not eat it raw, or boil it. They have to leave it intact, and if they don't finish it, they have to burn the remains. They have to eat it in haste, dressed and ready to go. The reason: that night he's going to go through Egypt, killing all the first-born sons in the houses with unpainted doors. That's why Jews eat lamb at Passover! What a heartening story to tell your children!
He tells them to keep this day as a sacred feast. Afterwards, they're to eat unleavened bread for seven days, and to kick out anyone who eats the leavened kind. They have to have sermons on the first and last days, and no work except cooking can be done. He's very strong on the leavening part, going on for 4 verses about it before Moses cuts him off. Moses gives these instructions to the Israelite leaders.
God then does as he said he would, and all Jerry has to say about this mass slaughter of children is that the Pharaoh he has chosen as best fitting his biblical time frame, Amenhotep II, was succeeded by Thutmose IV, who was not his firstborn son, so it must be true, even though we don't know what happened to the firstborn, and he doesn't cite any other references to any of the other plagues.
The Egyptians cry, as anyone would, and Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron to him. He tells them to leave with their children and herds. They go taking their unleavened dough, and they 'borrow' their neighbours' silver and gold, and they also plunder. Then they leave.
Six hundred thousand people go, and they bake the unleavened bread. They had been there for 430 years, and people still celebrate that night.
God tells Moses and Aaron that no strangers can eat at the Passover feast unless they are circumcised. They have to eat everything themselves, no giving food to neighbours.
Chapter 7
God comes back and tells Moses that he and Aaron are going to speak to Pharaoh again, and eventually Pharaoh is going to give in. He promises again to harden Pharaoh's heart and rain down plagues as punishment. After that, they Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD (v. 5). Somehow, I think Pharaoh isn't the only crazy boss in this book.
Moses is now 80, and Aaron 83, which isn't particularly helpful, as we don't know how old they were when this started. God comes to them again and says that Pharaoh is going to ask them for a miracle. They're to do the trick with the rod-as-serpent. They do, and Pharaoh calls up his magicians, who do the same trick, but luckily Aaron's serpent eats all the others.
God hardens Pharaoh's heart again, and then points it out to Moses. He tells him to go down to the river when Pharaoh is bathing and to smite the river so the water turns to blood, which will kill the fish and it will smell and nobody will want to drink it. He tells him to stretch out his hand and this will happen to all the water in Egypt.
Everything goes as predicted, and then for some reason, the Egyptian magicians also turn the waters to blood and nobody can drink. Pharaoh's response is to go into his room and sulk. The Egyptians dig wells all over, but can't find water. This goes on for a week.
So that's the first plague, the plague of blood.
Chapter 8
Frogs!
Jerry does have one useful thing to say about all of these plagues, that they are directed against specific Egyptian deities. If only all of his commentary could be that informative, rather than trying to justify his worldview. This particular plague is against the fertility goddess Heket, who was depicted as a woman with a frog's head. She breathed life into the bodies that her husband fashioned out of clay. So these frogs, normally a sign of fertility, were transformed by the Israelite god into a blight. See, now that's the kind of interesting historical fact that I want to get out of reading this book!
God tells Moses to go again to Pharaoh and threaten him with frogs, frogs everywhere. The magicians do the same thing. Why, exactly? Anyway, Pharaoh calls them to him and says that if god takes the frogs away, he'll let them go make their sacrifices. Moses, stupid fool, doesn't get it in writing, and asks when Pharaoh wants the critters gone. Uh, tomorrow? Moses goes and tells god about the agreement. Of course, Pharaoh forgot to say where the frogs should go, so they all just kind of die where they are, which stinks. Pharaoh renegs on his agreement, possibly of his own accord here.
His punishment is that Moses and Aaron are now to smite the dust of the land so it becomes lice. Gross! The magicians try this one, but aren't able to, so they admit to Pharaoh that it's the finger of god. Pharaoh's heart was hardened (v. 19), so it would seem god is acting upon him again. He just loves the punishment, doesn't he?
God tells Moses that he's to go to Pharaoh and threaten him again, or the next punishment will be flies, but only for the Egyptians. Goshen will be left alone. It happens, and the land is corrupted (v. 24). Pharaoh relents a little and says they can go sacrifice some sheep. Now it isn't good enough, because the Egyptians think sacrifices are an abomination (and really, who disagrees?) and they'll stone them. They have to go into the wilderness for three days. Pharaoh agrees, as long as they don't go too far. He even asks them to make a sacrifice for them. So Moses agrees to call off the flies the next day, but he's smarter now and Makes Pharaoh promise to hold to his promise, but still doesn't get it on paper. God does as asked, and Pharaoh again goes back on his word, this time of his own volition.
Chapter 9
God tells Moses again to go to Pharaoh, this time to threaten him with murrain (v. 3), which is an unspecified livestock disease. The Israelites will again be spared. Apparently, this was an insult to several Egyptian gods, and the Egyptian practice of animal worship, which of course most cat owners are familiar with. Pharaoh has his heart hardened for him, and all the livestock die.
God tells Moses and Aaron to go gather some ashes, then throw it in the air in Pharaoh's sight. The ashes will turn to dust which will raise boils on all the men and remaining animals (presumably the ones that didn't die). The magicians have no response to this, they can't even get up the boils are so painful. God hardens Pharaoh's heart again.
God tells Moses to go again and threaten Pharaoh with even more plagues, so the Egyptians will know there is none like me in all the earth (v. 13). This time he'll sent pestilence against the people. He says he has done this to Pharaoh as a demonstration of his own power, and to make himself more famous but Pharaoh has only exulted himself and refused to let the Israelites go. Prima donnas, these two.
So God says tomorrow he's going to send hail, so he'd better put the cattle (which he just killed, mind) in the barns and harvest the crops today. Some of the Egyptians have learned by now, and they do as they're told, but not all. And Moses stretches out his hands and brings forth the hail.
Is everyone out there familiar with the Milgram experiments, in which people in lab coats told participants to electrocute another 'participant' (who was really a collaborator), whenever they got a wrong answer, and they did, even when the other person complained about his heart condition, screamed, and ceased to respond? 26 out of 40 continued to the very end, administering 450-volt shocks, though all expressed discomfort at doing so. Moses has no compunctions here about unleashing all of these plagues on his fellow human beings. Just pointing this out.
The plague is more than hail, it's also fire, and it kills every man, beast, plant and tree, except in Goshen. Pharaoh calls them to him again and says he has sinned, the lord is righteous and his people are wicked. He asks them to ask god to end the plagues, and they can go. Moses still doesn't get it in writing and promises to go ask God to end the hailstorms. He also says he knows Pharaoh still isn't a true believer, and that even though the flax and barley have been destroyed, the wheat and rye weren't. Moses leaves and the storms end, and god hardens Pharaoh's heart yet again, and the people of Israel still aren't free.
Chapter 10
God sends Moses to Pharaoh once again. He tells Moses that he's mostly doing this to be remembered. As what, a mass murderer? It just occurred to me that Pharaoh is a lot like the movie Being John Malkovitch here. He's never in control of his own brain.
So Moses and Aaron go yet again and ask him how much longer he's going to refuse to humble himself in front of the lord, and to let the Israelites go. If he doesn't do it by tomorrow, the next plague will be locusts, which will eat everything the hail didn't kill. Pharaoh's servants are convinced, and Pharaoh calls them to him and tells them they can go but also wants to know who's going with them. Moses says they all need to be there. Pharaoh says only the men.
God tells Moses to call forth the locusts, and they eat everything. Then a powerful wind comes up and brings the locusts, which darken the land (an insult to the sun god, Ra), which eat everything green. Pharaoh calls them and admits that he has sinned against all of them. He asks them to get god to lift the plague. He does, and the locusts are swept into the sea. But god hardens Pharaoh's heart again.
God makes the darkness explicit and snuffs out the sun for three days. Only the Israelites have light. Pharaoh lets them all go, men, women, children, but no animals. Moses says they need the animals to sacrifice. God hardens Pharaoh's heart again. Pharaoh kicks him out, saying if he sees him again, he'll kill him. Moses says buh-bye.
Chapter 11
God isn't finished yet. He tells Moses that he's got one more plague, and this one will finally convince Pharaoh, and he'll not only let the Israelites go, he'll kick them out. He tells Moses to go to his people and tell them to borrow their neighbour's silver and gold. We are told that the lord favours the Israelites and especially Moses.
Moses says that god has told him he intends to go out at midnight and all the first-born sons in Egypt, from Pharaoh's kid to the maidservant. He's also going to kill the firstborn animals. The people of Egypt will cry, but not the Israelites, because they'll be spared. This will finally convince the people to bow down to him and send them away. He tells Moses and Aaron to threaten Pharaoh with even more monstrous deeds if he doesn't listen. And of course god hardens Pharaoh's heart. What do they tell Christians about this in Sunday school? Guess what, kids? Our god is a mass murderer of children! Just so he can be more famous! Of course Jerry has nothing to say on this except that it's a disaster for the Egyptians.
Chapter 12
God tells Moses and Aaron that he is resetting the calendar from today. In 10 days' time all the families of Egypt are to take a lamb, borrowing one if necessary. It's to be a pretty lamb, male, under a year, either a sheep or a goat. They'll fatten it for 4 days, then kill it on the last evening. They're to take the blood and paint the doors, then eat the meat. They can roast it, and spice it and eat it with unleavened bread. They may not eat it raw, or boil it. They have to leave it intact, and if they don't finish it, they have to burn the remains. They have to eat it in haste, dressed and ready to go. The reason: that night he's going to go through Egypt, killing all the first-born sons in the houses with unpainted doors. That's why Jews eat lamb at Passover! What a heartening story to tell your children!
He tells them to keep this day as a sacred feast. Afterwards, they're to eat unleavened bread for seven days, and to kick out anyone who eats the leavened kind. They have to have sermons on the first and last days, and no work except cooking can be done. He's very strong on the leavening part, going on for 4 verses about it before Moses cuts him off. Moses gives these instructions to the Israelite leaders.
God then does as he said he would, and all Jerry has to say about this mass slaughter of children is that the Pharaoh he has chosen as best fitting his biblical time frame, Amenhotep II, was succeeded by Thutmose IV, who was not his firstborn son, so it must be true, even though we don't know what happened to the firstborn, and he doesn't cite any other references to any of the other plagues.
The Egyptians cry, as anyone would, and Pharaoh calls Moses and Aaron to him. He tells them to leave with their children and herds. They go taking their unleavened dough, and they 'borrow' their neighbours' silver and gold, and they also plunder. Then they leave.
Six hundred thousand people go, and they bake the unleavened bread. They had been there for 430 years, and people still celebrate that night.
God tells Moses and Aaron that no strangers can eat at the Passover feast unless they are circumcised. They have to eat everything themselves, no giving food to neighbours.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Exodus, Chapters 5 & 6
Chapter 5
This is pretty clearly a labour dispute, as far as I can see. Moses and Aaron are kind of primitive labour organizers, Pharaoh is a classic bully boss, the Egyptians are his minions, and the Israelites suffer.
Moses and Aaron arrive in Egypt and ask Pharaoh to let them take their people into the wilderness for a 3-day bush bash. Pharaoh says no because he doesn't believe in their god. I can't really say I blame him. If I was a boss, and my employees came along and said they needed 3 days off for a religious celebration that involved killing goats in the forest, I'd be like, sure, but you're using your vacation days and I don't want to know anything about it. They claim that if they don't get these 3 days, God is going to either send them a plague or kill them all, which is so not what God said to them in Midian. And all the bosses out there are like, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that excuse for why an employee needs a long weekend, I tell you, I'd be rich. Pharaoh says no, and tells them to get back to work. He points out that the Israelites are pretty numerous, and a labour disruption of this magnitude will have economic ramifications, so no. He tells his line managers not to gather straw for the Israelites to make bricks with, because apparently they're all brick-layers, but also tells them not to let the Israelits slow down production as a result, or to have any sympathy when they whine about needing to sacrifice for their god. Pharaoh sounds like the 'Bully Boss' from a book I read recently about crazy higher-ups.
So the managers to out and repeat Pharaoh's instructions, and of course there's a disruption in the production cycle, and because they're crazy, they beat them, then ask why the Israelites aren't producing like normal. The Israelites take this up the chain of command and ask Pharaoh why he's being so unreasonable, and explain how the Egyptians are making them go gather the straw. But Pharaoh, being a crazy bully boss, says the problem is they're lazy, and to make up for lost time they can't have three days off. The Israelite supervisors leave, after realizing he's nuts and on the way out they meet Moses and Aaron. They bitch at them that now Pharaoh is angry and might kill them. Moses doesn't have an answer, so he asks god why he's allowing this evilness to happen to his people and remonstrating him for not fulfilling his promise. Ah, the classic problem of evil: if god is all good and all powerful, there ought not to be any evil in the world, right? So either god isn't all powerful, or he isn't all good. Of course, Jerry would wimp out here and only say god created humans with free will, and if they do evil, it's their own fault. But he doesn't even adress this, because he would rather spend half a page explaining how Pharaoh is a pagan, which we knew already.
Chapter 6
God promises to fix Pharaoh, and reminds Moses of his covenant with the Israelites. He promises again to free them from the Egyptians and take them to Canaan. Moses tries again to convince the Israelites, but they aren't having it. God tells him to go to Pharaoh again, and Moses complains that his lack of speaking skills isn't leading to any results.
We then get yet another genealogy of the history of the Israelites since Jacob/Israel. We find out that despite god's decision in Genesis to limit the human life span to 120 years, Levi, Moses' father Amram, and Kohath, one of Levi's sons, all lived to be over 130. We also find out that Moses and Aaron's mother is also their father's aunt.
It all ends with god telling Moses once again to talk to Pharaoh.
This is pretty clearly a labour dispute, as far as I can see. Moses and Aaron are kind of primitive labour organizers, Pharaoh is a classic bully boss, the Egyptians are his minions, and the Israelites suffer.
Moses and Aaron arrive in Egypt and ask Pharaoh to let them take their people into the wilderness for a 3-day bush bash. Pharaoh says no because he doesn't believe in their god. I can't really say I blame him. If I was a boss, and my employees came along and said they needed 3 days off for a religious celebration that involved killing goats in the forest, I'd be like, sure, but you're using your vacation days and I don't want to know anything about it. They claim that if they don't get these 3 days, God is going to either send them a plague or kill them all, which is so not what God said to them in Midian. And all the bosses out there are like, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that excuse for why an employee needs a long weekend, I tell you, I'd be rich. Pharaoh says no, and tells them to get back to work. He points out that the Israelites are pretty numerous, and a labour disruption of this magnitude will have economic ramifications, so no. He tells his line managers not to gather straw for the Israelites to make bricks with, because apparently they're all brick-layers, but also tells them not to let the Israelits slow down production as a result, or to have any sympathy when they whine about needing to sacrifice for their god. Pharaoh sounds like the 'Bully Boss' from a book I read recently about crazy higher-ups.
So the managers to out and repeat Pharaoh's instructions, and of course there's a disruption in the production cycle, and because they're crazy, they beat them, then ask why the Israelites aren't producing like normal. The Israelites take this up the chain of command and ask Pharaoh why he's being so unreasonable, and explain how the Egyptians are making them go gather the straw. But Pharaoh, being a crazy bully boss, says the problem is they're lazy, and to make up for lost time they can't have three days off. The Israelite supervisors leave, after realizing he's nuts and on the way out they meet Moses and Aaron. They bitch at them that now Pharaoh is angry and might kill them. Moses doesn't have an answer, so he asks god why he's allowing this evilness to happen to his people and remonstrating him for not fulfilling his promise. Ah, the classic problem of evil: if god is all good and all powerful, there ought not to be any evil in the world, right? So either god isn't all powerful, or he isn't all good. Of course, Jerry would wimp out here and only say god created humans with free will, and if they do evil, it's their own fault. But he doesn't even adress this, because he would rather spend half a page explaining how Pharaoh is a pagan, which we knew already.
Chapter 6
God promises to fix Pharaoh, and reminds Moses of his covenant with the Israelites. He promises again to free them from the Egyptians and take them to Canaan. Moses tries again to convince the Israelites, but they aren't having it. God tells him to go to Pharaoh again, and Moses complains that his lack of speaking skills isn't leading to any results.
We then get yet another genealogy of the history of the Israelites since Jacob/Israel. We find out that despite god's decision in Genesis to limit the human life span to 120 years, Levi, Moses' father Amram, and Kohath, one of Levi's sons, all lived to be over 130. We also find out that Moses and Aaron's mother is also their father's aunt.
It all ends with god telling Moses once again to talk to Pharaoh.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Exodus, Chapters 3 & 4
Chapter 3
Moses is in the field one day, tending to his father-in-law Jethro's flocks. Wait! In chapter two, his father-in-law was called Reuel! You can look this up for yourselves, by comparing Chapter 2 verse 18 and Chapter 3, verse 1. So either Moses is yet another unpunished polygamist, or this book is inaccurate. Jerry of course, is mum on the subject. Also, who knew all these hillbilly names were biblical? Have you ever met a Jethro with all his teeth?
I digress. Moses stops in his tracks when an angel appears in a burning bush. Ooh! Fake fire. Good thing this was thousands of years ago, because today's kids wouldn't be impressed. Moses is, though. Suddenly god is also in the flames. So was the angel his secretary, just checking to see if Moses was available, and then he put the boss through? Is this a conference call? He tells Moses to take off his shoes, because this is a holy place now. Picky, picky. Then he introduces himself. Moses hides his face out of fear of god. And rightly so. He still hasn't had any consequences for killing someone in chapter 2.
God admits he finally noticed the Hebrews' suffering, and he's here to take them away from the Egyptians and unto a land flowing with milk and honey (v. 8), in other words Israel. You see why I wanted this version? Milk and honey? Too bad only crazy and/or skeptical interpretations are available. He informs Moses that he's going to go to Pharaoh and take everybody away.
Moses might be easily impressed by special effects, but he's clearly had some legal training, as he asks god why the people should believe him. God's answer is that he will be with them and he'll reward his efforts. Moses is still skeptical, and asks what he should do if they ask what this so-called god's name is. God says to say I AM THAT I AM (v.14) sent him, which doesn't sound very convincing if you ask me. He adds, however, that Moses should say The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob (v. 15) which is a much better beginning, I think. He promises this will work, then tells him to gather the tribal leaders together, tell them this story, and to go to Pharaoh and say they've met god and need to go into the wilderness for three days to make sacrifices. So, Pharaoh is like their wives? Instead of honey, the boys and I are going golfing for three days, or in my household, honey there's a debating tournament next weekend, they're going out to sacrifice stuff. And just like an abandoned wife, god is sure Pharaoh will say no. And then he'll smite Egypt, and then they'll be allowed to go. Should ladies who refuse their husbands' 'guys weekends' be afraid of the wrath of god? He also tells Moses that they won't go empty-handed, the women are to 'borrow' silver and jewels and gold and clothing from their neighbours and house guests and put them on their sons and daughters. 'Borrow' in the sense of 'we're just taking it to Israel! I promise to send it back by post!'
Chapter 4
Moses is still skeptical about his ability to convince the people, so god starts doing magic tricks. First, he tells him to put his rod on the ground, and it turns into a snake. Moses runs away. God tells him to pick it up, and it turns into a rod. Is this what those bizarre snake-handling 'Pentecostals' are doing? Oh, no, apparently the relevant passages are in Matthew and Luke, sorry.
God says that will convince them, but if not, put his hand on his chest. Moses does, and when he pulls it away, it's leprous. God tells him to put it back, and it's healthy. Finally, he tells them to take river water and pour it onto the ground. When he does, it will turn to blood.
Moses still isn't done arguing, and says he's not eloquent. God reminds him who make men's tongues, as well as disabilities, and says they'll practice together. Moses still wants him to send someone else.
Finally, god gets pissed off and says he'll use Moses' brother Aaron instead. So was the whole 'kill the male babies' gambit ended after Moses? Did Pharaoh's daughter plead with her father? Did their mother just send all her boy babies down the river, and did they just happened to get rescued? Or was the copy-writer napping? Anyway, god is going to use Aaron as his spokesman only Moses is going to tell him what to say. He's also going to use a rod to do signs (v. 17). Moses is finally convinced and gets Jethro's approval for the plan. Also, god comes along and tells him the people who were pissed off at him for killing that dude are now dead.
So Moses takes his wife and sons to Egypt and god says to him When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. (v. 21). Now here is what Jerry has to say about that last line: "One must remember that God deserves the right to judge sin and the sinner whenever He desires. The sinner is subject to the wrath of God at any point in his life. God has the right to judge sin in any way He so desires the first time one commits sin. It is really the mercy of God that allows the sinner to continue to live." So who the fuck is Jerry or the Moral Majority to support the death penalty or oppose gay rights if it's all up to god? If he really believes what he says he believes, god will do all the punishing necessary, right?
God has further instructions: Moses is to say Israel is his son his firstborn, and he needs him to serve the lord, and if he won't let them go, god will kill Pharaoh's firstborn son.
But god can't even hold to his promises for one verse. At the inn that night, god tries to kill Moses. WTF? Fortunately, Zipporah is swifter on the uptake than me, and immediately understands this newest heavenly temper tantrum. She cuts her son's foreskin off and throws it at Moses' feet, calling him a 'bloody husband', which I'm just going to read as 'negligent bastard who nearly got us all killed'.
God leaves and goes to Aaron, telling him to meet Moses in the wilderness. Moses fills him in and they go together to the tribal elders. The people believe them and they pray together.
Moses is in the field one day, tending to his father-in-law Jethro's flocks. Wait! In chapter two, his father-in-law was called Reuel! You can look this up for yourselves, by comparing Chapter 2 verse 18 and Chapter 3, verse 1. So either Moses is yet another unpunished polygamist, or this book is inaccurate. Jerry of course, is mum on the subject. Also, who knew all these hillbilly names were biblical? Have you ever met a Jethro with all his teeth?
I digress. Moses stops in his tracks when an angel appears in a burning bush. Ooh! Fake fire. Good thing this was thousands of years ago, because today's kids wouldn't be impressed. Moses is, though. Suddenly god is also in the flames. So was the angel his secretary, just checking to see if Moses was available, and then he put the boss through? Is this a conference call? He tells Moses to take off his shoes, because this is a holy place now. Picky, picky. Then he introduces himself. Moses hides his face out of fear of god. And rightly so. He still hasn't had any consequences for killing someone in chapter 2.
God admits he finally noticed the Hebrews' suffering, and he's here to take them away from the Egyptians and unto a land flowing with milk and honey (v. 8), in other words Israel. You see why I wanted this version? Milk and honey? Too bad only crazy and/or skeptical interpretations are available. He informs Moses that he's going to go to Pharaoh and take everybody away.
Moses might be easily impressed by special effects, but he's clearly had some legal training, as he asks god why the people should believe him. God's answer is that he will be with them and he'll reward his efforts. Moses is still skeptical, and asks what he should do if they ask what this so-called god's name is. God says to say I AM THAT I AM (v.14) sent him, which doesn't sound very convincing if you ask me. He adds, however, that Moses should say The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob (v. 15) which is a much better beginning, I think. He promises this will work, then tells him to gather the tribal leaders together, tell them this story, and to go to Pharaoh and say they've met god and need to go into the wilderness for three days to make sacrifices. So, Pharaoh is like their wives? Instead of honey, the boys and I are going golfing for three days, or in my household, honey there's a debating tournament next weekend, they're going out to sacrifice stuff. And just like an abandoned wife, god is sure Pharaoh will say no. And then he'll smite Egypt, and then they'll be allowed to go. Should ladies who refuse their husbands' 'guys weekends' be afraid of the wrath of god? He also tells Moses that they won't go empty-handed, the women are to 'borrow' silver and jewels and gold and clothing from their neighbours and house guests and put them on their sons and daughters. 'Borrow' in the sense of 'we're just taking it to Israel! I promise to send it back by post!'
Chapter 4
Moses is still skeptical about his ability to convince the people, so god starts doing magic tricks. First, he tells him to put his rod on the ground, and it turns into a snake. Moses runs away. God tells him to pick it up, and it turns into a rod. Is this what those bizarre snake-handling 'Pentecostals' are doing? Oh, no, apparently the relevant passages are in Matthew and Luke, sorry.
God says that will convince them, but if not, put his hand on his chest. Moses does, and when he pulls it away, it's leprous. God tells him to put it back, and it's healthy. Finally, he tells them to take river water and pour it onto the ground. When he does, it will turn to blood.
Moses still isn't done arguing, and says he's not eloquent. God reminds him who make men's tongues, as well as disabilities, and says they'll practice together. Moses still wants him to send someone else.
Finally, god gets pissed off and says he'll use Moses' brother Aaron instead. So was the whole 'kill the male babies' gambit ended after Moses? Did Pharaoh's daughter plead with her father? Did their mother just send all her boy babies down the river, and did they just happened to get rescued? Or was the copy-writer napping? Anyway, god is going to use Aaron as his spokesman only Moses is going to tell him what to say. He's also going to use a rod to do signs (v. 17). Moses is finally convinced and gets Jethro's approval for the plan. Also, god comes along and tells him the people who were pissed off at him for killing that dude are now dead.
So Moses takes his wife and sons to Egypt and god says to him When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. (v. 21). Now here is what Jerry has to say about that last line: "One must remember that God deserves the right to judge sin and the sinner whenever He desires. The sinner is subject to the wrath of God at any point in his life. God has the right to judge sin in any way He so desires the first time one commits sin. It is really the mercy of God that allows the sinner to continue to live." So who the fuck is Jerry or the Moral Majority to support the death penalty or oppose gay rights if it's all up to god? If he really believes what he says he believes, god will do all the punishing necessary, right?
God has further instructions: Moses is to say Israel is his son his firstborn, and he needs him to serve the lord, and if he won't let them go, god will kill Pharaoh's firstborn son.
But god can't even hold to his promises for one verse. At the inn that night, god tries to kill Moses. WTF? Fortunately, Zipporah is swifter on the uptake than me, and immediately understands this newest heavenly temper tantrum. She cuts her son's foreskin off and throws it at Moses' feet, calling him a 'bloody husband', which I'm just going to read as 'negligent bastard who nearly got us all killed'.
God leaves and goes to Aaron, telling him to meet Moses in the wilderness. Moses fills him in and they go together to the tribal elders. The people believe them and they pray together.
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