Zechariah, Chapters

Chapter 8

God promises that both old and young people will live in Jerusalem again, and vows to set his people free. He says that in the bad old days, there was high unemployment and neighbours fought constantly. But this time, he'll make the fruit grow and he'll send rain, as long as they stop lying and are peaceful and don't have bad thoughts and fast 4 months out of the year and pray. Somehow, I don't see this lasting. And after they've been doing that for awhile, the Gentiles will all convert.

Chapter 9

One frigging chapter after promising all that peace and brotherhood, god is right back to threats of violence against Israel's neighbours. As long as you can fanwank that Christ was a military leader who kept all the enemies out of Jerusalem, he's in there too. Jerry Falwell does this with aplomb.

Chapter 10

God confesses that Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats (v. 3). This time, though, he'll have their backs, and he'll make the Nile go dry.

Chapter 11

I guess Zech is well and truly over his weird drug-fueled trip from earlier in this book. Now he's been reduced to telling the story of the time god took two barrel staves and went around beating bad shepherds up with them. Note that his story has now changed and he's no longer punishing the goats.

Chapter 12

Smitey smite smite. All for the greater glory of Jerusalem

Chapter 13

God will get all the false prophets' parents to kill them. The survivors, presumably already orphans, will become cattlemen instead.

Chapter 14

There will be a giant battle in Jerusalem, which will be so violent it will rip the Mount of Olives in half. It will be a foggy day, and the water will flow away from Jerusalem. Then he'll send a plague for all Israel's enemies. People who don't convert will also suffer drought and diseased animals. The Israelites' pots will become holy and the Canaanites will finally die off. What a cheery ending!