Sunday, October 9, 2011

Micah, Chapters 1-7: Wandering around, shrieking like a dragon

Chapter 1

God is going to melt the mountains and deepen the valleys because of something Jacob did. Then he's going to bury Samaria under stones and smash up all its art galleries for containing irreligious works. Man, if this happened today, we'd be left with like, the Vatican, and that would be it. And it's already hard enough to get into the Vatican as it is. When that happens, Micah the art lover (or possibly god) is going to strip naked and wander the streets howling like a dragon. Oh, good, yet another insane prophet. Maybe he'll have a UFO story, too. He also advises everybody to shave their heads.

Chapter 2

Micah laments people who plot to do evil, then two verses later says thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil (v. 3), so explain that one. Then he goes on a long rant about all the other prophets.

Chapter 3

Micah accuses the priests of cannibalism, which is possibly the one thing no Republican has accused Obama of being in this long, long run-up to the 2012 election. Nope, it turns out they let the Poles have that one. Anyway, because they bite and divine for money (v. 11), god is no longer speaking to them. Oddly, Jerry Falwell, who said on the 700 Club that 9/11 was caused by secular abortionists, among others, then asked people to send money to assuage his hurt feelings has nothing to say about the latter.

Chapter 4

God is going to build a temple/school/centre for world peace up in the mountains, someday. But first he's going to help the Israelites defeat all their enemies and consecrate their gain unto the LORD, (v. 13).

Chapter 5

Jesus is coming! At least, that's one way to interpret this chapter, as long as Jesus is a military leader who defeats the Assyrians. But he will be born in Bethlehem! As long as you believe that's the name of a town, not the name of a tribe, as the rest of the verse implies. So that's something. And after his defeat, the tribe of Jacob will destroy the Gentiles, because this book always goes 12 steps too far.

Chapter 6

God is soooo fed up with the Israelites and their ingratitude (for what, exactly? this book has been far more concerned with the smiting than the rewarding) and is now going to infect them with plague.

Chapter 7

There are no good people and you can't trust your friends or even your family members. You can only trust god, who will make all your enemies deaf at the same time as he spouts off about mercy and compassion.

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