Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Zechariah, Chapters 1-3: Playing Bronies

Chapter 1

God starts appearing to Zechariah. First, he is supposed to proselytise to the people to turn their hearts towards god. Then a man appears on a red horse. He stops underneath a myrtle tree and three more red horses appear. Either because he's dumb or because he's on hallucinogens, Z asks what the ponies are. An angel then appears and says they've been sent by god to walk the earth.

Abrupt transition to a new prophesy, in which god mentions that he's still pissed at the Jerusalemites for not rebuilding his temple yet. Then Z looks up and sees four horns. He asks what they're for. The angel says they're the 4 kingdoms of Israel that have been scattered. Finally, 4 carpenters appear to do the scattering.

Chapter 2

Aw shit. Z looks up and sees a guy with a ruler in his hand. Not this again. Mercifully, his bit is short: he's supposed to measure Jerusalem so god can build a wall of fire around it so he can keep the glory inside. My thinking is, if you have to work that hard to keep the glory in, maybe the glory doesn't want to be yours and you should just go find a new one that appreciates you.

Then god informs the Israelites that they are the apple of his eye (v. 8) and promises to smite... somebody. Probably the Babylonians.

Chapter 3

Joshua, Satan and an angel are standing in front of Z. Unfortunately, it's not the beginning of some kind of Aristocrats-style dirty joke. We are apparently in medeas conversation as god rebukes the devil and informs him that he has plucked Josh out of the fire.

Joshua himself is clad in filthy rags. The angel takes them away and informs him he's absolved of sin. Then they dress him in good clothes and a crown. God informs Joshy that he's now king, but to behave because he's also sending his servant the BRANCH (soon to be a Jersey Shore cast member). Also, he's giving him a stone with seven eyes. Then he tells Josh to gather everyone under a fig tree.

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