Saturday, August 27, 2011

Ezekiel, Chapters 30-33: Killing Egypt Dead

Chapter 30

Like every movie villain ever, god prefers talking over action. In this case, it's 25 verses of threats against Egypt, all of which will come to fruition one cloudy day.

Chapter 31

At one point, the king of Assyria got too big for his britches, so god sent him to hell, along with the Lebanese people who mourned him. Now he's going to send Egypt there, too. As soon as he finishes talking about it.

Chapter 32

You know god is serious when he threatens to block the sun with clouds and cause a lunar eclipse! Also, he's going to make the rivers run like oil (v. 14).

Chapter 33

I guess god is planning to take the form of a hurricane?, because he instructs Zeke to tell the coastal peoples to set up early warning systems for when he attacks. People who don't heed the trumpets are on their own. If the watchman fails in his duty, he'll be responsible. Then he makes Zeke the watchman.

This is followed by a bunch of threats against otherwise righteous people who do one bad thing. The Israelites complain that god isn't just, but god takes the Neener neener neener! stance of 'Well, you don't treat people equally either, so there!' The Israelites, flummoxed by this flawless schoolyard logic, cannot come up with a response.

Moving on, god unbinds Zeke's tongue. Wait, hasn't he been talking this whole time? And of course the first thing he's supposed to say is that everybody, even cave-dwellers, is going to die, first in war, then from plague.

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