Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ezekiel, Chapter 23: Donkey penises and horse jizz

Oh, dear. I'm already having flashbacks to Judges 19.

So this is the story of two sisters who became prostitutes because of their love of breast fondling. Of course these sisters aren't real, they're awkward metaphors for Jerusalem and Samaria, now a part of the West Bank. Anyway, Aholah (Samaria) had a fondness for powerful men and defiling herself with their idols, which I like to think means she used them as dildos, because you might as well, right? She keeps it up even after she marries god and moves to Israel, and he stops tolerating it after her looks fade a bit and sends her to Assyria, where she is stripped, her children taken, and she is run through with a sword.

The other sister, Aholibah (Jerusalem) is a bigger slut than Aholah. Seeing her sister's fate turns into a kinky fetish and suddenly she can't get off without porn the image of a Chaldean idol in front of her. The Babylonians come to her one night and rape her, and she stops accepting them as clients. Then god rejects her, which causes her to redouble screwing the Egyptians, who have donkey-sized dicks and come like horses. Still, she longs for the days when a simple tit stroking got her off.

God eventually gets tired of Aholibah, too, and commands her old lovers to come along in chariots and cut off her nose and ears, then run her body through with a sword, then burn it. Her kids will be taken in by Child Protective Services and will require enormous amounts of therapy.

Then god is either going to reanimate her body or lose control of this metaphor, because next he's going to strip her naked then get her drunk, then make her chop off her own breasts. Finally, they'll be stoned and burned at the stake.

All of this will cause prostitution to cease. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! That god sure is a joker.

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