Ezekiel, Chapters 16: The problem with extended metaphors

Chapter 16

Did you know that the Israelites used to salt their babies? They thought it made the skin firm. How do I know this? Because god is now comparing Jerusalem to an unwanted baby left to die in a field. Anti-abortion activists everywhere cover their ears and sing 'Lalala, I can't hear you!'

So god takes the abandoned infant and raises it into a little hottie with pert breasts and shiny hair. Look it up, it really says that. And it gets better, because then thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness (v. 8) and this is getting as creepy as The Time Traveler's Wife. Anyway, after god married a city, he started buying it all kinds of expensive badger's skins and jewellery and taking her out to the finest honey and oil restaurants and everybody complemented him on his hot young bride.

But like many a hot young wife, Jerusalem's eye quickly starts to wander and she starts fornicating with other deities, especially the well-hung Egyptians. When she can't find a god to fuck, she melts her expensive jewellery into false idol dildoes and 'worships' them instead.

As punishment, god beat and starved them and let the Philistines have their way with them, but they started turning tricks with the Assyrians, Canaanites and Babylonians, and even perfect strangers. And not only that, rather than accept payment for services rendered, they were the clients!

God is so pissed now that he's going to uncover the city's nakedness and punish it like an adulterous wife, which apparently means people can take her clothes and jewels, then stone her into a bloody pulp, then burn her like her sister, Sodom. Oh, and all those of you who claim that the problem in Sodom was homosexual angel rape? Uh-uh this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy (v. 49)

But! If Jerusalem mends her ways and becomes an obedient daughter-wife, she can get back into god's good graces and be restored. I feel dirty now.