Thursday, August 25, 2011

Ezekiel, Chapters 24-26: Pulp Fiction

Chapter 24

God finally tires of barbecue and orders Zeke to cook him up some stew using the best meat from the flock. But it's not really soup! It's Jerusalem and he's going to... boil it in a pot. Which at least is a change from the usual plague, war, famine and natural disasters that are unleashed when god has a temper tantrum.

Then god kills Zeke's wife as an example of what he plans to do to the Israelites. He also orders Zeke not to mourn so as to set the standard for when he kills all the children. Man, god is a dick sometimes.

Chapter 25

All bible passages sound better when read by Samuel L. Jackson even if his quotations are a little muddled.

Anyway, the whole point of this chapter is that god is going to send the Ammonites and the Moabites and a bunch of other tribes over to Judah as punishment for some illicit hand-clapping and foot-stomping.

Chapter 26

God has vented his spleen on the Israelites and turns his wrath on the Phoenician port of Tyre. He makes a special point of saying how he's going to kill the women, namely running them through with swords while they work the fields, because why have rules of war when you're an insane, weather-based tyrant?

After he has killed the innocent farm labourers, god will then besiege the city and destroy it, just for shits and giggles.

No comments:

Post a Comment