Apparently, Jeremiah is the origin of the word 'jeremiad.' For the vocabulary-challenged, according to Merriam-Webster a jeremiad is: a prolonged lamentation or complaint; also : a cautionary or angry harangue. So that's what we have to look forward to for the next 52 chapters.
Jeremiah kicks off by telling us that god knew him in the womb, which is apparently often cited by Christians to justify anti-abortion sentiment. Never mind the verses in Hosea, Exodus, Numbers, Leviticus and Samuel that seem to imply that children under one year don't count for much. And what did god talk to Jeremiah about in the womb? Well, he told him he would be a prophet. When Jeremiah tried to argue that fetuses can't talk, god told him not to worry about it because he'll put the words in his mouth. I did not know that expression was biblical. He's also supposed to destroy and build things as the lord instructs.
Then, since Jeremiah is just a baby, god starts playing 'I Spy' with him. First, Jeremiah sees an almond branch. According to whatever commentary you like better, this branch is either something god is going to use to beat the Babylonian king, or means that Jeremiah is going on a long hike. Second, Jeremiah spots a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. (v. 13) God explains that he's going to judge everyone in Israel starting in the north, and then the northern clans will attack, but god will hold firm. Isn't this going to traumatise the poor kid?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 64-66: Going out with a massacre
Chapter 64
The Israelites beg god to show his face and apologise for all those times they ignored his good deeds and sinned and promise to never, ever do it again. Do you believe them? I don't.
Chapter 65
God replies that I am sought of them that asked not for me; I am found of them that sought me not: I said, Behold me, behold me, unto a nation that was not called by my name (v. 1). That just seems dumb. He complains about how his people don't respect him and insist on barbecuing pork in the garden. Nonetheless, he has decided not to destroy ALL of them, just the worshippers of other gods.
And what lurid tortures does he have planned for the apostates? Starvation, death from thirst, humiliation, depression, anxiety, names forgotten. Then he'll destroy the earth and create a new one with a shiny new Jerusalem. No one will die before the age of 100 unless they sin, which is a handy way to explain the lack of centenarians back then, and they'll all build houses and eat dinner with lambs and lions, and the lions and snakes will eat straw and dirt.
Chapter 66
God thinks of earth as his footstool, just so y'know. Then he starts cursing the sinners. Again there's a childbirth metaphor about cities and whether god would ever fail to give birth to one. Then Jerusalem is compared favourably to breastfeeding. This is just getting weird, because apparently god thinks breastfeeding is as comforting as seeing your enemies killed by flaming swords. And who are your enemies? The backyard barbecuers of pork flesh. This will cause people from other nations, even distant islands, to become Jews then flock to Jerusalem for some disaster tourism, namely gawking at the still-flaming bodies of the pig eaters.
Well, that was fun. Jeremiah is up next, all 52 chapters of him.
The Israelites beg god to show his face and apologise for all those times they ignored his good deeds and sinned and promise to never, ever do it again. Do you believe them? I don't.
Chapter 65
God replies that I am sought of them that asked not for me; I am found of them that sought me not: I said, Behold me, behold me, unto a nation that was not called by my name (v. 1). That just seems dumb. He complains about how his people don't respect him and insist on barbecuing pork in the garden. Nonetheless, he has decided not to destroy ALL of them, just the worshippers of other gods.
And what lurid tortures does he have planned for the apostates? Starvation, death from thirst, humiliation, depression, anxiety, names forgotten. Then he'll destroy the earth and create a new one with a shiny new Jerusalem. No one will die before the age of 100 unless they sin, which is a handy way to explain the lack of centenarians back then, and they'll all build houses and eat dinner with lambs and lions, and the lions and snakes will eat straw and dirt.
Chapter 66
God thinks of earth as his footstool, just so y'know. Then he starts cursing the sinners. Again there's a childbirth metaphor about cities and whether god would ever fail to give birth to one. Then Jerusalem is compared favourably to breastfeeding. This is just getting weird, because apparently god thinks breastfeeding is as comforting as seeing your enemies killed by flaming swords. And who are your enemies? The backyard barbecuers of pork flesh. This will cause people from other nations, even distant islands, to become Jews then flock to Jerusalem for some disaster tourism, namely gawking at the still-flaming bodies of the pig eaters.
Well, that was fun. Jeremiah is up next, all 52 chapters of him.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 62 & 63: Jerusalem electrified
Chapter 62
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 60 & 61: Would you want a king building your wall?
Chapter 60
God, in one of his manic phases, informs Jerusalem that rather than destroy the city, he's now going to reward it, mostly by turning the lights down in other places so that people will flock to it in hopes of finishing their books. Immigrants will return home with remittances and foreign kings will be enslaved as everyday bricklayers. Personally, I would not want a wall built by a former king, thank you very much. Those nations which refuse service will be destroyed.
God will then make himself so radiant that we won't need the sun or moon anymore, and then he will end sun- and moonsets. Like that form of torture where you're placed in a windowless room and they never turn the lights off! Fun! And of course everybody will be righteous and they'll have lots and lots of babies. So not so fun for the women, as cults so seldom are.
Chapter 61
God still hasn't swung back to depression, so now Isaiah informs us that he's here on earth as a saviour to the poor, brokenhearted or enslaved. Apparently Jesus will later use the first two verses in a speech and will not be accused of plagiarism. There will be goodies: the anointing oil of happiness for the widows, as well as new clothes, infrastructure repair, slaves to do the heavy farm labour, while the Israelites will get to do the easy stuff like being priests and getting rich from plundering their neighbours and stealing their lands.
God, in one of his manic phases, informs Jerusalem that rather than destroy the city, he's now going to reward it, mostly by turning the lights down in other places so that people will flock to it in hopes of finishing their books. Immigrants will return home with remittances and foreign kings will be enslaved as everyday bricklayers. Personally, I would not want a wall built by a former king, thank you very much. Those nations which refuse service will be destroyed.
God will then make himself so radiant that we won't need the sun or moon anymore, and then he will end sun- and moonsets. Like that form of torture where you're placed in a windowless room and they never turn the lights off! Fun! And of course everybody will be righteous and they'll have lots and lots of babies. So not so fun for the women, as cults so seldom are.
Chapter 61
God still hasn't swung back to depression, so now Isaiah informs us that he's here on earth as a saviour to the poor, brokenhearted or enslaved. Apparently Jesus will later use the first two verses in a speech and will not be accused of plagiarism. There will be goodies: the anointing oil of happiness for the widows, as well as new clothes, infrastructure repair, slaves to do the heavy farm labour, while the Israelites will get to do the easy stuff like being priests and getting rich from plundering their neighbours and stealing their lands.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 58 & 59: The end is in sight
Chapter 58
God bitches about how his people are always asking him for things and fasting and making sacrifices to try and get his attention, but then at the end of their fasts, they're right back to their old ways of beating each other up and arguing. Sounds like a delightful society. He tells them that what he really wants them to do is free the oppressed (v. 6) and give their servants lighter tasks, then feed the hungry and give clothes to homeless people. Then he'll reward them. There are some beautiful lines that conservatives conveniently ignore in favour of those seven verses about homosexuality, like verse 10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day. Oh, and keep the Sabbath.
Chapter 59
The reason why god never answers your prayers is that you're bad. That's not in danger of becoming tautological at all. You're so bad that you hatch cockatrice (picture a mini dragon with the head of a rooster) eggs whilst spinning spider webs. If you eat the eggs, you'll die, but if you break them, vipers will hatch. There are no instructions about what to actually do with these scary, dangerous eggs. These people are not only bad, they're useless, you can't even use the spider webs for weaving.
Anyway, we don't get good things because of these bad people because god had to go out and defend the oppressed himself.
God bitches about how his people are always asking him for things and fasting and making sacrifices to try and get his attention, but then at the end of their fasts, they're right back to their old ways of beating each other up and arguing. Sounds like a delightful society. He tells them that what he really wants them to do is free the oppressed (v. 6) and give their servants lighter tasks, then feed the hungry and give clothes to homeless people. Then he'll reward them. There are some beautiful lines that conservatives conveniently ignore in favour of those seven verses about homosexuality, like verse 10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day. Oh, and keep the Sabbath.
Chapter 59
The reason why god never answers your prayers is that you're bad. That's not in danger of becoming tautological at all. You're so bad that you hatch cockatrice (picture a mini dragon with the head of a rooster) eggs whilst spinning spider webs. If you eat the eggs, you'll die, but if you break them, vipers will hatch. There are no instructions about what to actually do with these scary, dangerous eggs. These people are not only bad, they're useless, you can't even use the spider webs for weaving.
Anyway, we don't get good things because of these bad people because god had to go out and defend the oppressed himself.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 56 & 57: The first mass hysteria
Chapter 56
Sabbath keepers rule. Suddenly, second-generation Jewish converts are totally kosher. Note it says nothing about converts themselves. Eunuchs should not complain about their shortcomings, because if they keep sabbath, they'll get a memorial plaque in the temple and an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off (v. 5) Ooh, that's a low blow. Please please please tell me that was on purpose.
Chapter 57
Apparently the bible's reason for why bad things happen to good people is that god is protecting them from future evil. One starts to see why Republicans love this book so much, with their fear of the future and nostalgia for a past that never existed.
Then the insults against the Molechites start. You remember them, right? Way back in Numbers, or was it Joshua? Somewhere back at the beginning of the bible, when reading it and creating a blog seemed like a lark, they were the child-sacrificing squatters the Israelites had to evict. Well, it must not have gone very well because here we are listening to him rant on about how their gods are only smooth stones in river valleys and how stupid it is to build altars in the mountains, as if Joshua didn't do that. They also cover themselves in ointments and have sex with the king à la Esther and at this point it starts to seem more like 'do as I say, not as my people do.'
Anyway, they seem to have betrayed god and now he's fixing to punish them. He tried to fix them, but it didn't work, so smiting is in order.
Sabbath keepers rule. Suddenly, second-generation Jewish converts are totally kosher. Note it says nothing about converts themselves. Eunuchs should not complain about their shortcomings, because if they keep sabbath, they'll get a memorial plaque in the temple and an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off (v. 5) Ooh, that's a low blow. Please please please tell me that was on purpose.
Chapter 57
Apparently the bible's reason for why bad things happen to good people is that god is protecting them from future evil. One starts to see why Republicans love this book so much, with their fear of the future and nostalgia for a past that never existed.
Then the insults against the Molechites start. You remember them, right? Way back in Numbers, or was it Joshua? Somewhere back at the beginning of the bible, when reading it and creating a blog seemed like a lark, they were the child-sacrificing squatters the Israelites had to evict. Well, it must not have gone very well because here we are listening to him rant on about how their gods are only smooth stones in river valleys and how stupid it is to build altars in the mountains, as if Joshua didn't do that. They also cover themselves in ointments and have sex with the king à la Esther and at this point it starts to seem more like 'do as I say, not as my people do.'
Anyway, they seem to have betrayed god and now he's fixing to punish them. He tried to fix them, but it didn't work, so smiting is in order.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 54 & 55: God is a 13 year old boy who thinks girls are yucky
Chapter 54
God compares Jerusalem to a woman heretofore barren who suddenly gives birth to lots and lots of babies and who suddenly has to stretch her tent seams to the limits to accomodate them all. And what, pray tell, will all those millions of babies do? Try to take over the world.
Now, god is sorry for that little snit he had before, the one where he let either the Babylonians or the Egyptians enslave them, and now he's ready to make nice and make all kinds of promises, like to not flood the earth anymore or ever get angry with them again and to rebuild the city with sapphires and rubies, and to let their kids grow up in peace and to give them stable, prosperous lives. We'll see how long that lasts.
Chapter 55
Here's a bible verse that too many Americans would seem to take deadly seriously: Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness (v. 2)
God instructs the Israelites to follow David and promises mercy to anyone who returns to the fold. Then he informs us that he's so extra-super-special that we can never hope to understand him: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (v. 8-9) that's religious leader for, 'Lots of evil shit happens that no one understands, so we might as well attribuite it to god because we want your votes, so we'll twist ourselves in knots trying to justify it for the next 2000 years using these two cherry-picked verses.'
God compares Jerusalem to a woman heretofore barren who suddenly gives birth to lots and lots of babies and who suddenly has to stretch her tent seams to the limits to accomodate them all. And what, pray tell, will all those millions of babies do? Try to take over the world.
Now, god is sorry for that little snit he had before, the one where he let either the Babylonians or the Egyptians enslave them, and now he's ready to make nice and make all kinds of promises, like to not flood the earth anymore or ever get angry with them again and to rebuild the city with sapphires and rubies, and to let their kids grow up in peace and to give them stable, prosperous lives. We'll see how long that lasts.
Chapter 55
Here's a bible verse that too many Americans would seem to take deadly seriously: Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness (v. 2)
God instructs the Israelites to follow David and promises mercy to anyone who returns to the fold. Then he informs us that he's so extra-super-special that we can never hope to understand him: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (v. 8-9) that's religious leader for, 'Lots of evil shit happens that no one understands, so we might as well attribuite it to god because we want your votes, so we'll twist ourselves in knots trying to justify it for the next 2000 years using these two cherry-picked verses.'
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