Chapter 1
God used to speak to us through all kinds of prophets, like Ezekiel, who used to bake bread over a fire made of his own crap, or Jeremiah, running around wearing a yoke and shrieking about Babylonian exile, or Isaiah, wandering the desert, naked and sans sunscreen. But then he got the (comparatively) brilliant idea to use just one prophet: Jesus, who came along to tell us the world is ending.
Chapter 2
Pay attention, because god is watching for your sins so he'll have an excuse to send you to hell. Yup, that's exactly what I got from Jesus as well. After all, he'll be in charge of the next world, not angels.
So why did god make men? And why does he care so bloody much what we think of him? And why are we in charge of everything? The answer, as always, is Jesus, who died for your sins. Why god would still be looking for reasons to cast you into the underworld is not clear. Also, Jesus' death was supposed to destroy the devil, so: fail. Also, because Jesus was tempted (he was?) he has sympathy for people who have also been tempted. Not enough to save them from hell, though.
Chapter 3
'Paul' (the author never even claims to be Paul) to Moses: you didn't build that, so you aren't as good as Jesus. Also, if you don't believe in god, you can't go to heaven and will have to wander the desert for 40 years like those old testament idiots.
Chapter 4
If you don't fear god and work hard, you won't go to heaven.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Philemon, Chapter 1: A message from your bowels
Paul is still in prison, or back in prison, it's not clear. Having a lot of time on his hands, he sends a letter to Philemon and Apphia and Archippus, who run a church out of Philemon's living room. Anyway, Paul really likes them, to the point where the bowels of the saints
are refreshed by thee, brother (v. 7). He's writing because he's found Philemon's lost slave, Onesimus, who, it would seem, robbed his master and ran off, where he was unfortunate enough to encounter Paul. He has become a Christian, and as a reward, Paul is now sending him back to slavery. However, he urges Philemon to treat him kindly when he returns. Paul promises to repay Onesimus' debts, even though Philemon owes Paul for saving his soul. What he completely neglects to do in the letter though, is condemn slavery, as it might piss off one of his rich donors.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Titus, Chapters 1-3: World's worst advice column
Chapter 1
'Paul' (not Paul) reminds us that God, that cannot lie (v. 2) has promised to destroy the world and bring all his followers to heaven. He's writing to Titus, who is in Crete, and is having problems with his congregation. He reminds Titus that his assignment was to correct any false beliefs among the faithful and appoint new priests. He reminds us about the rules for priests: monogamous, well-behaved children, not a drunkard, hospitable, etc.
Titus' specific problem is those lying Jews, who are lying to the congregation and must be stopped. One of them went so far as to say The Cretians are always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies (v. 12). As if the bible has always been so tolerant of foreigners. 'Paul' wants him to rebuke the liars and convince them to return to the fold.
Chapter 2
'Paul' thinks old people are sober and wise, but that young women need to be taught to be
obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (v. 3) and that young men are drunkards. Slaves should likewise be obedient to their masters and shouldn't steal. Everyone should be honest and do good works.
Chapter 3
Be good, but also remember that no matter how good you are, god will pick and choose who's going to heaven and who isn't. Avoid genealogy and unrepentant heretics.
'Paul' promises to sends reinforcements and invites Titus to spend the winter with him in Nicopolis. He tells him to bring two friends and a case of beer.
'Paul' (not Paul) reminds us that God, that cannot lie (v. 2) has promised to destroy the world and bring all his followers to heaven. He's writing to Titus, who is in Crete, and is having problems with his congregation. He reminds Titus that his assignment was to correct any false beliefs among the faithful and appoint new priests. He reminds us about the rules for priests: monogamous, well-behaved children, not a drunkard, hospitable, etc.
Titus' specific problem is those lying Jews, who are lying to the congregation and must be stopped. One of them went so far as to say The Cretians are always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies (v. 12). As if the bible has always been so tolerant of foreigners. 'Paul' wants him to rebuke the liars and convince them to return to the fold.
Chapter 2
'Paul' thinks old people are sober and wise, but that young women need to be taught to be
obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (v. 3) and that young men are drunkards. Slaves should likewise be obedient to their masters and shouldn't steal. Everyone should be honest and do good works.
Chapter 3
Be good, but also remember that no matter how good you are, god will pick and choose who's going to heaven and who isn't. Avoid genealogy and unrepentant heretics.
'Paul' promises to sends reinforcements and invites Titus to spend the winter with him in Nicopolis. He tells him to bring two friends and a case of beer.
Monday, February 18, 2013
2 Timothy, Chapters 1-4: Are your ears itching?
Chapter 1
'Paul' (widely believed to be not Paul) is writing again to Timothy. Timothy is apparently a 3rd generation Christian, since his grandmother Lois was a convert, and his mother Eunice was also one. It does not mention whether they are secretaries, but with names like that, what else could they be?
He talks about the joys of loving god, but also the sorrows. Apparently no one in Asia likes him anymore, and he's in prison on Rome.
Chapter 2
'Paul' tells Timothy to be strong and stay away from non-christians and remember he knows everything because of Jesus, who is also allowing 'Paul' to endure his suffering. He reminds us that the end is near, so be good, don't talk about non-church things, like his current bugbears Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have convinced people that the resurrection already happened. But not to worry! God knows who the faithful are and Jesus will absolve you of your sins.
Then he goes on to talk about flatware. Rich people have all kinds of nice table settings that they should get rid of, and donate the money to the church. Instead they should eat off their crappy everyday plates. Also, be good and don't ask silly questions and be good to non-christians, because god might still save them in the end.
Chapter 3
In the end of days, men will turn evil and commit a long list of sins, perhaps the most interesting of which is that they will seduce silly women (v. 6) who are Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth (v. 7). But not to worry! We'll be able to identify them easily because of how foolish they'll look. 'Paul' talks some more about how he's been persecuted everywhere he goes, but that's just what christians have to put up wit and urges them to study their books because All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness (v. 16). That's also why we can't change a single word in this idiot book.
Chapter 4
Preach the word, because the time will come when people with itching ears (v. 2) will get desperate and will listen to anything anyone wants to talk to them about, which sounds like exactly the type of person you want joining your religion.
'Paul' is getting lonely in prison, because everyone except Luke has abandoned him, and begs Timothy to come see him and bring Mark. We don't find out why Luke isn't enough, like, is he one of those people who will not shut up about Girls even though you've never seen it and you think Lena Dunham's overrated? He also wants his cloak, some books and especially parchments. He also warns Timothy that he's fallen out with someone named Alexander the carpenter. Anyway, he signs off with love and kisses.
'Paul' (widely believed to be not Paul) is writing again to Timothy. Timothy is apparently a 3rd generation Christian, since his grandmother Lois was a convert, and his mother Eunice was also one. It does not mention whether they are secretaries, but with names like that, what else could they be?
He talks about the joys of loving god, but also the sorrows. Apparently no one in Asia likes him anymore, and he's in prison on Rome.
Chapter 2
'Paul' tells Timothy to be strong and stay away from non-christians and remember he knows everything because of Jesus, who is also allowing 'Paul' to endure his suffering. He reminds us that the end is near, so be good, don't talk about non-church things, like his current bugbears Hymenaeus and Philetus, who have convinced people that the resurrection already happened. But not to worry! God knows who the faithful are and Jesus will absolve you of your sins.
Then he goes on to talk about flatware. Rich people have all kinds of nice table settings that they should get rid of, and donate the money to the church. Instead they should eat off their crappy everyday plates. Also, be good and don't ask silly questions and be good to non-christians, because god might still save them in the end.
Chapter 3
In the end of days, men will turn evil and commit a long list of sins, perhaps the most interesting of which is that they will seduce silly women (v. 6) who are Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth (v. 7). But not to worry! We'll be able to identify them easily because of how foolish they'll look. 'Paul' talks some more about how he's been persecuted everywhere he goes, but that's just what christians have to put up wit and urges them to study their books because All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness (v. 16). That's also why we can't change a single word in this idiot book.
Chapter 4
Preach the word, because the time will come when people with itching ears (v. 2) will get desperate and will listen to anything anyone wants to talk to them about, which sounds like exactly the type of person you want joining your religion.
'Paul' is getting lonely in prison, because everyone except Luke has abandoned him, and begs Timothy to come see him and bring Mark. We don't find out why Luke isn't enough, like, is he one of those people who will not shut up about Girls even though you've never seen it and you think Lena Dunham's overrated? He also wants his cloak, some books and especially parchments. He also warns Timothy that he's fallen out with someone named Alexander the carpenter. Anyway, he signs off with love and kisses.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
1 Timothy, Chapters 1-6: Everything offensive about the entire book
Chapter 1
'Paul' (widely considered to be not Paul) is writing to Timothy in Ephesus, where he apparently left him when he went to Macedonia. He asks Timothy for news, and specifically instructs him Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies (v. 4). Then he starts right in on laws, which are not written for righteous (v. 9) people, but for perverts, kidnappers and murderers. He reminds us once again that he used to be a blasphemer himself and even calls himself the chief sinner, but says it's fine because he was ignorant at the time. He's now writing to Timothy with instructions on dealing with similar sinners in Ephesus, two of whom he calls out by name: Hymenaeus and Alexander (v. 20).
Chapter 2
The first thing to do is pray. Well, the men should pray. Women should adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array (v. 9) and then learn in silence with all subjection, because I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence (v. 11-12). Actually, let Pastor Deacon Fred read it out loud to you. It's terrifying. Anyway, how does Paul justify all this? Well, Adam was first and he was smarter than Eve, at least until her magical vagina convinced him to eat the apple. Anyway, if you do all that, you won't have pain in child birth.
Chapter 3
Now, the rules for how to be a bishop: You can't be polygamous or a drunkard (which 'Paul' repeats 3 times, leading me to believe he was drunk when he wrote this) nor own a lot of gold; you have to have good control of your children; you can't be a new convert, but you still need ties to the outside. Finally, you have to be a member of the church in good standing. Even though your wife must take no role in the church, she still needs to be a sober and faithful person.
Chapter 4
As the end times draw near, people will be seduced by evil spirits and will stop marrying and turn vegetarian, when actually, god put all those delicious, meaty animals on earth so we can eat them. No, never mind that other letter that the (possibly) real Paul wrote a few books ago about how it's better not to marry unless you're super horny! He also tells us not to listen to fables and that exercise isn't necessary. This chapter ought to quell any doubts anyone out there is having about whether the bible is a great lifestyle guide.
Chapter 5
Be nice to people, except widows with children or grandchildren, who should learn piety at home by taking care of her. Failure to do so makes them worse than infidels. If a widow is over 60, doesn't have children, and isn't out carousing at night, she can pray, and maybe god will take care of her. If she's under 60, though, don't give her shit, because eventually she'll get horny and remarry someone who isn't a christian. Besides which, young widows are just idle busybodies who go from house to house spreading gossip. Nope, better for women who still can to get married and have kids so they'll be too busy to rebuke people or think about Satan. Other rules: be nice to old people, especially leaders, and real widows, pay workers, only accuse old people of crimes if 2 or 3 people saw it, rebuke sinners in public, drink wine, never mind what he said in just the last chapter, don't hit people unless they hit first.
Chapter 6
Slaves, honour your masters, especially if they're christians, too. People who disagree are know-nothings and will only pervert you, so stay away. Remember that we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out (v. 7) and be happy as long as you have food and clothing. Rich people are prone to lusts and since the love of money is the root of all evil (v. 9), why not donate all yours to the church? Paul signs off with love and kisses and hopes to see them all in the afterlife.
'Paul' (widely considered to be not Paul) is writing to Timothy in Ephesus, where he apparently left him when he went to Macedonia. He asks Timothy for news, and specifically instructs him Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies (v. 4). Then he starts right in on laws, which are not written for righteous (v. 9) people, but for perverts, kidnappers and murderers. He reminds us once again that he used to be a blasphemer himself and even calls himself the chief sinner, but says it's fine because he was ignorant at the time. He's now writing to Timothy with instructions on dealing with similar sinners in Ephesus, two of whom he calls out by name: Hymenaeus and Alexander (v. 20).
Chapter 2
The first thing to do is pray. Well, the men should pray. Women should adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array (v. 9) and then learn in silence with all subjection, because I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence (v. 11-12). Actually, let Pastor Deacon Fred read it out loud to you. It's terrifying. Anyway, how does Paul justify all this? Well, Adam was first and he was smarter than Eve, at least until her magical vagina convinced him to eat the apple. Anyway, if you do all that, you won't have pain in child birth.
Chapter 3
Now, the rules for how to be a bishop: You can't be polygamous or a drunkard (which 'Paul' repeats 3 times, leading me to believe he was drunk when he wrote this) nor own a lot of gold; you have to have good control of your children; you can't be a new convert, but you still need ties to the outside. Finally, you have to be a member of the church in good standing. Even though your wife must take no role in the church, she still needs to be a sober and faithful person.
Chapter 4
As the end times draw near, people will be seduced by evil spirits and will stop marrying and turn vegetarian, when actually, god put all those delicious, meaty animals on earth so we can eat them. No, never mind that other letter that the (possibly) real Paul wrote a few books ago about how it's better not to marry unless you're super horny! He also tells us not to listen to fables and that exercise isn't necessary. This chapter ought to quell any doubts anyone out there is having about whether the bible is a great lifestyle guide.
Chapter 5
Be nice to people, except widows with children or grandchildren, who should learn piety at home by taking care of her. Failure to do so makes them worse than infidels. If a widow is over 60, doesn't have children, and isn't out carousing at night, she can pray, and maybe god will take care of her. If she's under 60, though, don't give her shit, because eventually she'll get horny and remarry someone who isn't a christian. Besides which, young widows are just idle busybodies who go from house to house spreading gossip. Nope, better for women who still can to get married and have kids so they'll be too busy to rebuke people or think about Satan. Other rules: be nice to old people, especially leaders, and real widows, pay workers, only accuse old people of crimes if 2 or 3 people saw it, rebuke sinners in public, drink wine, never mind what he said in just the last chapter, don't hit people unless they hit first.
Chapter 6
Slaves, honour your masters, especially if they're christians, too. People who disagree are know-nothings and will only pervert you, so stay away. Remember that we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out (v. 7) and be happy as long as you have food and clothing. Rich people are prone to lusts and since the love of money is the root of all evil (v. 9), why not donate all yours to the church? Paul signs off with love and kisses and hopes to see them all in the afterlife.
Friday, February 8, 2013
2 Thessalonians: That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane
Chapter 1
'Paul' (probably not Paul, as this is another one of those letters whose provenance is in question) and Timothy write back to the Thessalonians to encourage them to pray because they've got apocalypse on the brain, and it's going to be a doozy: think flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God... Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction (v. 8-9).
Chapter 2
Ironically, someone claiming to be 'Paul' wrote to the Thessalonians awhile ago about doomsday and got them all confused! See, we'll know it's happening because first there will be a lot of apostasy, and then Satan will come back. So basically, any day ever? But no, some mysterious force is holding the evil back until Jesus comes along to eat him, but not before Satan manages to fuck shit up. Then Jesus will kill all the unbelievers, for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie (v. 11). He also chose who the believers would be, btw, and is going to bring them to heaven.
Chapter 3
Long story short: the world isn't ending quite yet, so believers should withdraw from the world while continuing to work. He puts this admonishment in because apparently some members of the congregation took their doomsday prepping a mite too seriously and now don't have jobs or food or anything. 'Paul' doesn't have any sympathy for the stupid, saying if any would not work, neither should he eat (v. 10). If anyone doesn't like the contents of this letter, the others should shun him, because 'Paul' ain't fucking around anymore.
'Paul' (probably not Paul, as this is another one of those letters whose provenance is in question) and Timothy write back to the Thessalonians to encourage them to pray because they've got apocalypse on the brain, and it's going to be a doozy: think flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God... Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction (v. 8-9).
Chapter 2
Ironically, someone claiming to be 'Paul' wrote to the Thessalonians awhile ago about doomsday and got them all confused! See, we'll know it's happening because first there will be a lot of apostasy, and then Satan will come back. So basically, any day ever? But no, some mysterious force is holding the evil back until Jesus comes along to eat him, but not before Satan manages to fuck shit up. Then Jesus will kill all the unbelievers, for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie (v. 11). He also chose who the believers would be, btw, and is going to bring them to heaven.
Chapter 3
Long story short: the world isn't ending quite yet, so believers should withdraw from the world while continuing to work. He puts this admonishment in because apparently some members of the congregation took their doomsday prepping a mite too seriously and now don't have jobs or food or anything. 'Paul' doesn't have any sympathy for the stupid, saying if any would not work, neither should he eat (v. 10). If anyone doesn't like the contents of this letter, the others should shun him, because 'Paul' ain't fucking around anymore.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
1 Thessalonians, Chapters 1-5: Gentlemen, control your vessels
Chapter 1
Paul, Silvanius and Timothy all send love and kisses to the church they've established in Thessalonia. Also, they are so, so, glad they will be with them when the apocalypse happens.
Chapter 2
Paul reminds the Thessalonians about how he was abused in Phillipi, but still got it together to come to them and convert them through endless proselytizing. And now the Thessalonians themselves are also being abused, just like the Jews persecuted Jesus and have forbidden Paul & co. from hectoring people on the streets. Anyway, Paul promises to visit soon, but right now Satan's keeping him away.
Chapter 3
Paul thought the apocalypse was nigh and sent Timothy to make sure the Thessalonians were properly faithful, and he was so, so happy to find out they're good little apocalyptic believers. Godot-like, he promises to visit soon to iron out any small misunderstandings in their faith. Until then, he reminds them to be charitable.
Chapter 4
Paul reminds the Thessalonians of the rules he set out on his last visit, namely no fornicating and for god's sake, gentlemen, control your vessel in sanctification and honour (v. 4). Whether your vessel is your wife or your penis is a matter of interpretation and icky either way. Other rules: no stealing, no hatefulness, convert people, work hard and forget about dead people, because you'll see them in heaven.
Chapter 5
Nobody knows when doomsday will happen. But the believers will be prepared, whereas the unbelievers will feel the destruction like a woman's labour. Until then, no drinking, be nice to people, and pray.
I love it when entire books can be summarised in under an hour.
Paul, Silvanius and Timothy all send love and kisses to the church they've established in Thessalonia. Also, they are so, so, glad they will be with them when the apocalypse happens.
Chapter 2
Paul reminds the Thessalonians about how he was abused in Phillipi, but still got it together to come to them and convert them through endless proselytizing. And now the Thessalonians themselves are also being abused, just like the Jews persecuted Jesus and have forbidden Paul & co. from hectoring people on the streets. Anyway, Paul promises to visit soon, but right now Satan's keeping him away.
Chapter 3
Paul thought the apocalypse was nigh and sent Timothy to make sure the Thessalonians were properly faithful, and he was so, so happy to find out they're good little apocalyptic believers. Godot-like, he promises to visit soon to iron out any small misunderstandings in their faith. Until then, he reminds them to be charitable.
Chapter 4
Paul reminds the Thessalonians of the rules he set out on his last visit, namely no fornicating and for god's sake, gentlemen, control your vessel in sanctification and honour (v. 4). Whether your vessel is your wife or your penis is a matter of interpretation and icky either way. Other rules: no stealing, no hatefulness, convert people, work hard and forget about dead people, because you'll see them in heaven.
Chapter 5
Nobody knows when doomsday will happen. But the believers will be prepared, whereas the unbelievers will feel the destruction like a woman's labour. Until then, no drinking, be nice to people, and pray.
I love it when entire books can be summarised in under an hour.
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