Monday, February 25, 2013

Hebrews, Chapters 1-4: You didn't build that

Chapter 1

God used to speak to us through all kinds of prophets, like Ezekiel, who used to bake bread over a fire made of his own crap, or Jeremiah, running around wearing a yoke and shrieking about Babylonian exile, or Isaiah, wandering the desert, naked and sans sunscreen. But then he got the (comparatively) brilliant idea to use just one prophet: Jesus, who came along to tell us the world is ending.

Chapter 2

Pay attention, because god is watching for your sins so he'll have an excuse to send you to hell. Yup, that's exactly what I got from Jesus as well. After all, he'll be in charge of the next world, not angels.

So why did god make men? And why does he care so bloody much what we think of him? And why are we in charge of everything? The answer, as always, is Jesus, who died for your sins. Why god would still be looking for reasons to cast you into the underworld is not clear. Also, Jesus' death was supposed to destroy the devil, so: fail. Also, because Jesus was tempted (he was?) he has sympathy for people who have also been tempted. Not enough to save them from hell, though.

Chapter 3

'Paul' (the author never even claims to be Paul) to Moses: you didn't build that, so you aren't as good as Jesus. Also, if you don't believe in god, you can't go to heaven and will have to wander the desert for 40 years like those old testament idiots.

Chapter 4

If you don't fear god and work hard, you won't go to heaven.

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