Sunday, February 17, 2013

1 Timothy, Chapters 1-6: Everything offensive about the entire book

Chapter 1

'Paul' (widely considered to be not Paul) is writing to Timothy in Ephesus, where he apparently left him when he went to Macedonia. He asks Timothy for news, and specifically instructs him Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies (v. 4). Then he starts right in on laws, which are not written for righteous (v. 9) people, but for perverts, kidnappers and murderers. He reminds us once again that he used to be a blasphemer himself and even calls himself the chief sinner, but says it's fine because he was ignorant at the time. He's now writing to Timothy with instructions on dealing with similar sinners in Ephesus, two of whom he calls out by name: Hymenaeus and Alexander (v. 20).

Chapter 2

The first thing to do is pray. Well, the men should pray. Women should adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array (v. 9) and then learn in silence with all subjection, because I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence (v. 11-12). Actually, let Pastor Deacon Fred read it out loud to you. It's terrifying. Anyway, how does Paul justify all this? Well, Adam was first and he was smarter than Eve, at least until her magical vagina convinced him to eat the apple. Anyway, if you do all that, you won't have pain in child birth.

Chapter 3

Now, the rules for how to be a bishop: You can't be polygamous or a drunkard (which 'Paul' repeats 3 times, leading me to believe he was drunk when he wrote this) nor own a lot of gold; you have to have good control of your children; you can't be a new convert, but you still need ties to the outside. Finally, you have to be a member of the church in good standing. Even though your wife must take no role in the church, she still needs to be a sober and faithful person.

Chapter 4

As the end times draw near, people will be seduced by evil spirits and will stop marrying and turn vegetarian, when actually, god put all those delicious, meaty animals on earth so we can eat them. No, never mind that other letter that the (possibly) real Paul wrote a few books ago about how it's better not to marry unless you're super horny! He also tells us not to listen to fables and that exercise isn't necessary. This chapter ought to quell any doubts anyone out there is having about whether the bible is a great lifestyle guide. 

Chapter 5

Be nice to people, except widows with children or grandchildren, who should learn piety at home by taking care of her. Failure to do so makes them worse than infidels. If a widow is over 60, doesn't have children, and isn't out carousing at night, she can pray, and maybe god will take care of her.  If she's under 60, though, don't give her shit, because eventually she'll get horny and remarry someone who isn't a christian. Besides which, young widows are just idle busybodies who go from house to house spreading gossip. Nope, better for women who still can to get married and have kids so they'll be too busy to rebuke people or think about Satan. Other rules: be nice to old people, especially leaders, and real widows, pay workers, only accuse old people of crimes if 2 or 3 people saw it, rebuke sinners in public, drink wine, never mind what he said in just the last chapter, don't hit people unless they hit first.

Chapter 6

Slaves, honour your masters, especially if they're christians, too. People who disagree are know-nothings and will only pervert you, so stay away. Remember that we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out (v. 7) and be happy as long as you have food and clothing. Rich people are prone to lusts and since the love of money is the root of all evil (v. 9), why not donate all yours to the church? Paul signs off with love and kisses and hopes to see them all in the afterlife.

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