Exodus, Chapter 20

Here we go, the 10 Commandments or 16 as the cast may be, the rules Christians feel are so important, they put them up in court rooms and take their arguments all the way to the Supreme Court in the effort to keep them there. In fact, some have gone so far as to say that we could do away with all other laws, and just keep these ones.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (v.3)
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. (v.4) So, does this mean no Christians have drawings, sculptures, or photographs of anything, much like observant Muslims are expected to do? No? Hmm...
3. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them for I the LORD they God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. (v.5)
4. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, for the lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. (v.7) So all of you that have said 'Oh my god!' in surprise, pain or ecstasy, you were all breaking a commandment, which, if you will recall, is one of the most important laws handed down by god.
5. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. (v. 8) So again, if you've ever baked cookies, worked a shift, or gardened on a Sunday, you're a Phoney Christian
6. Honour they father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee (v. 12)
7. Thou shalt not kill. Unless you're Moses, who if you will recall has still not been punished for that whole incident with the Egyptian. And as you will see, there are many, many other heavenly proclamations in this book that will contradict this.
8. Thou shalt not commit adultery (v. 14) Unless you're Judah and she's your daughter-in-law, and she's pretending to be a prostitute and you're horny. We'll see if there are other instances.
9. Thou shalt not steal. (v. 15) So I guess the Israelites sent all their Egyptian neighbours' silver and jewellery back to them by parcel post, then? Remember it was god himself that told them to ask for it.
10. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (v. 16)
11. Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is they neighbour's. (v. 17)

The people of course don't hear any of this, because of course god is only saying it to Moses. They ask Moses what god said, because if god speaks to them, they'll die. Nope, no possibilities for corruption in this system! Moses tells them not wo be afraid, because god has come to test them for sin. They stay back but Moses goes back towards the cloud of god. God tells him to tell them that they talked, and adds a couple more commandments: no offerings of silver, and no making god out of gold and keeping it (12). He then has to make an altar out of earth (13), on which he will sacrifice animals (14). If they make stone altars, they can't cut the stone, because then it will be impure (15). Finally, they can't go up the steps to the altar, because apparently god can see up their robes that way (16).