Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 4-6 : How to act on Facebook

Chapter 4

Be nice to people in direr straits than you, because if they curse you, god will punish you. Why god can't see your shitty behaviour for himself is not explained. When you get to judge other people, don't be afraid to bang the gavel hard. Do not, however, bang single mothers. Rather, be a father to their kids without benefits. The reward will be wisdom, but not orgasms. Don't worship false gods, even human ones. Admit your sins. Don't enslave yourself to fools. Repay your debts.

Chapter 5

Don't fall in love with materials goods, especially if they're fenced. Just because you got away with sinning once, it's now okay to sin, because god will catch you every time. Make sure you tell god you love him every day, or he wont' let you into heaven. Keep your promises. Listen, and only speak if you really know the answer. Don't spread gossip. Don't be ignorant of anything. Good luck with that.

Chapter 6

Don't be anyone's enemy. Don't brag about yourself or your soul will get torn to pieces. Only take advice from one friend in a thousand. Test your friends first and don't be afraid to unfriend them, which will make it much harder to get to that 1000, but never mind. Be wary of people who only like you in good times. Faithful friends are the best. Only people who believe in god make faithful friends. Always be learning. Wisdom is unkind to people who haven't studied. If you meet a wise man, stalk him until he agrees to teach you.

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