Ecclesiasticus, Chapters 12 & 13: Avoid pine trees

Chapter 12

Only do good for people you know, so you can get the credit afterwards. Even better is if you can help the godly, because they'll either pay you or god will reward you in heaven. No good can come to evil people if they're evil all the time. No word on what happens if they're only evil on a part-time basis. Don't even give bread to non-believers because they'll then seek to conquer you.

If you're rich, know that you can't make real friends but you can screw your enemies over. On the other hand, if you're poor, you won't have friends, but neither will you have enemies. Don't trust enemies. That's deep, Sol. Also, don't sit next to them, because they want your seat.

Don't pity charming people that get bitten by snakes or attacked by wild beasts.

Chapter 13

Don't touch pitch or you'll be dirty. As in the sticky stuff you sometimes find on pine trees. Actually, that's good advice for life, because that stuff is a motherfucker to get off your clothes, but I don't see the connection with getting into heaven. Other life advice: don't try to be more powerful than you are, or make friends with rich people because you'll break each other. You can totally tell this was commissioned by a king who was trying to hold onto absolute power can't you?

Rich people are inherently evil and use people if they can or ignore them if they can't. Other accusations against rich people: they're thieves, liars and give false hope. They cook you excellent dinners and so you're forced to compete with equally nice food until you're broke. Then they'll laugh at you for spending all your money on dinner parties.

If a rich person invites you to dinner and don't go, he'll just keep inviting you. Don't get too close, but also don't get so far away that you're forgotten. Don't try to hold a conversation with a rich person, because he's only out to manipulate your secrets out of you so he can put you in prison.

In other words, only mix with your own social class. As it is today, when you're rich, it's because of your own talents, and if you're poor, it's your own fault. Finally, be cheerful and don't think too hard about the meaning of parables.