Ecclesiasticus, Chapter 26 & 27: How to put a wicked wife to good use

Chapter 26

After 26 verses about all the harm a wicked wife will unleash on the world, we get three on how awesome a virtuous wife is. Apparently, you'll double your life span if you get one. How do you know if you have a good wife? A silent and loving woman is a gift of the lord (v. 14). Also she'll keep the house clean and stay hot even when she's old. Only godly men will get godly wives.

More lists: first, three things Solomon is afraid of: slandering of cities, mobs and false accusations. All these things are worse than death. Even worse than those things is a woman who is jealous of another woman.

Now we're back on the evils of wicked women because the bible is nothing if not consistent in its misogyny. Bad wives are like scorpions. Drunk women, those who insist on going out on their own, and those who refuse to cover her own shame (v. 8) all piss people off. You can tell if a woman is a whore or not by the way she looks at you and her eyelids. If your daughter is a teenager, keep her inside. Don't be surprised if she resents this. Especially don't let her near fountains, where travelers often stop, because she'll open her quiver against every arrow (v. 11). Also, an harlot shall be accounted as spittle (v. 22) and a shameless woman shall be counted as a dog (v. 25). There is one good use for loud women who scold their husbands: they drive enemies away.

Once you do finally find a good wife, have lots of children so you can outbreed the heathens. 

Two things that upset Solomon: poor veterans and smart people who get ignored. One thing that pisses him off: apostates. He wants to kill them all with a sword. It is nearly impossible for a merchant to avoid sin, and completely impossible for a huckster.

Chapter 27

Solomon elaborates on his disdain for commerce: there is a lot of sin in buying and selling, mostly because of all the bullshitting that goes on during haggling.

Anyone can be holy if they believe, just not the long list of people outlined in this book. And of course as long as you don't succumb to temptation.

Spend all the time you like with wise men, but leave early when in the company of fools. People who swear a lot make Solomon's hair stand on end. The ensuing fighting makes him cover his ears.

Be good to your friends and don't tell their secrets. Should you spill one by accident, just end the friendship. Winking is evil, because it's a sign of smarminess, and if there's anything Solomon hates, it's smarm. Of course those who cast stones hit themselves and malice and wrath are sins.