Sunday, July 31, 2011

Ezekiel, Chapters 10-12: When Aliens Attack

Chapter 10

Yay! The space aliens are back! God tells the cherub who just finished smiting all the unmarked Jerusalemites to take burning coals from under the flying cars and scatter them over the city. Then a cloud appears in a house and the aliens start beating their wings, which sounds remarkably like god's voice. The cherubs, and possibly some cherubim (my knowledge of the various types of angels is limited, as is my interest), line up next to their cars and a man's hand appears. Then suddenly the aliens and their cars are covered in eyes and the wheels start talking. This is exactly like a hallucinogenic drug episode. Also, if these aliens can fly, why do they need flying cars? Anyway, the episode sort of fizzles after that, because the cherubs, cherubim and god sort of stand there for awhile then take off, without doing anything besides giving an angel some coals.

Chapter 11

Zeke is airlifted over to the temple, where god shows him the 25 men who have been pissing him off most recently. Their crime? Improper chanting. God has him make a long speech about all the ways he's going to smite them.

When he's released, Zeke collapses on his face and asks god why he's so mean to everybody all the time. God insists this punishment is a temporary cleansing ritual and when he brings the Israelites back they'll be pure of heart and won't want to sin anymore. For an hour or so.

Then the cherubs and the cloud lift Zeke up, stop briefly for duty-free shopping on a mountain, then head over to Babylon so he can spread the word.

Chapter 12

God tells Zeke to pack up all his belongings as though he's moving, then dig through a wall and leave town with his face covered so he can't see the ground. In the morning, god wonders if anybody asked what he was doing. If they did, he was supposed to say that they would soon be packing up all their stuff and moving, too - to Babylon! But Zeke never says whether anybody asked, which leads me to believe that nobody did, because when the naked, shrieking cross-dresser who burns his own hair and clothing digs a hole in the wall and leaves, you don't say anything, you just hope he never comes back.

So god tries a new tactic to get people curious about Zeke. Now he's supposed to eat and drink ve-e-e-ry carefully and tremble. Then when people wonder why the naked, shrieking cross-dresser who burns his own hair and clothes and digs holes in the wall rather than walking through the gate is eating funny, he's supposed to tell them all the ways god is going to kill them.

As a final act of weirdo theatre, god changes some proverbs around.

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