Ezekiel, Chapters 1-3: The first UFO sighting

Chapter 1

Ezekiel, man was in a cult, and that cult, was into aliens, man. So Ezekiel starts off by telling us that he saw this fiery, glowing whirlwind with an amber light at the centre. Four little green men creatures come out of the whirlwind, each with four faces and four wings, cloven feet and regular hands. The faces are a lion, a man, an ox and an eagle. They all glow.

These creatures move around like lightening, and seem to drive around in flying cars with the image of each face on a giant, glowing wheel. The cars have moonroofs which sparkle like the actual night sky. Ezekiel is hypnotized by the sound of their wings, and then hears a voice from the firmament and sees a throne with the figure of a man on it. He looks like he's on fire. Ezekiel realises it's god and throws himself to the ground as the figure speaks.

I don't know about the rest of you, but if the next 47 chapters are as fun as the first, this book will definitely make my all-time favourites list.

Chapter 2

As it must be after such an absurd, and clearly drug-addled first chapter, the second is a disappointment. God hauls Zeke to his feet and tells him his mission is to bring the Israelites to heel. Then he tells him to open his mouth and eat what he's given. He looks and sees a disembodied hand holding a scroll. Okay, that's pretty awesome.

Chapter 3

Whatever Zeke is on is still going strong because he eats the scroll and thinks it tastes like honey. If you've ever eaten paper, you know it's about the furthest thing from honey possible. God tells him to go to the temple and convince the Israelites to follow him again. Then the four creatures and their magic flying cars appear again and whisk him over to Telabib (Tel Aviv?). The people there are surprised to see him, and even more surprised when he doesn't speak for a week.

When god does finally say something, it's extremely unpleasant: If people are doing wicked things and Zeke doesn't tell them the penalty for their sins is death, they'll both die. If he warns them and they keep doing it, only the sinners will die. If an otherwise righteous man sins because god put a stumbling-block in his way and Zeke didn't warn him, they'll both die. But if Zeke does warn him, they'll both live.

God then tells him to go out to a flood plain next to a river, where he appears. Because god never appears to more than one person, you know. Zeke throws himself to the ground again. God tells him to go home and lock the doors because the mob is going to show up and tie him up. And then god will bind his tongue to the roof of his mouth so he can't rebuke his assailants.