Chapter 3
Paul informs us that christians don't need letters of introductions, because they're written in their hearts. We're also told that all our competences are given by god. He promises a new covenant with god, given not by a set of laws, but by the holy spirit. Much easier for getting converts that way. Also good? Telling people the old way leads to death. And that they can get to know god through the new way.
Now, with all our newfound glory, we can be direct, unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so people wouldn't see the shine of god fading. Apparently the people of Israel still wear this veil over their hearts. If they turn to god, though, the veil will be lifted.
Chapter 4
Now that we have this awesome new relationship with god, we need to be forthright in telling people about it. If their hearts remain veiled, Satan did it. After all, they aren't preaching about themselves, but about Jesus, because god turned a light on in our hearts. This allows us to be troubled but not distressed, perplexed but not despairing, persecuted but not foresaken, cast down but not destroyed. Our suffering is supposed to remind us of Jesus, and give life to others.
Showing posts with label Moses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moses. Show all posts
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
1 Corinthians, Chapters 9 & 10: Paul is a 47 percenter
Chapter 9
Paul reminds us that he was an apostle and in a nifty bit of historical revisionism, saw Jesus. I suppose it's possible, given that their lives overlapped. Then he argues that he and Barnabas shouldn't have to work, given that soldiers don't start wars and people eat the things they grow. Clearly, they're Democrats. After all, Mosaic law specifies that you have to feed your oxen, so the congregation should feed him. Also, temple workers get fed by their temples. Except that Paul isn't a Jew anymore, so why that rule applies is beyond me. I mean, you're in or out, no cherry-picking the bits you like.
Oh, but Paul isn't writing to assert any of these entitlements. He's doing it because he must. He admits that he fakes being a member of whatever community he's living in, to the point where he'll follow Jewish law if he's in a Jewish neighbourhood, or he'll act like a gentile when he's among them. But it's all for a good cause, so it's fine.
Chapter 10
Paul dwells on Moses for a bit, reminding his audience about Moses parting the Red Sea, but how most of them displeased god, so he punished them, to the tune of 23 000 deaths in a single day. So no fornicating, because the end is nigh.
He reminds us not to be tempted, and to take communion, because it makes them all one flesh. This is not to say that all sacrifices are to real gods, no sir. When gentiles make sacrifices, it's to the devil. So you need to choose: in our out. Just like Paul himself, when he says he should be paid just like a Jewish temple worker. He tells us that anything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial, and we should think about others.
You can eat anything the butcher sells, and eat everything that's put on your plate, even brussels sprouts, but try not to offend others with your cooking.
Paul reminds us that he was an apostle and in a nifty bit of historical revisionism, saw Jesus. I suppose it's possible, given that their lives overlapped. Then he argues that he and Barnabas shouldn't have to work, given that soldiers don't start wars and people eat the things they grow. Clearly, they're Democrats. After all, Mosaic law specifies that you have to feed your oxen, so the congregation should feed him. Also, temple workers get fed by their temples. Except that Paul isn't a Jew anymore, so why that rule applies is beyond me. I mean, you're in or out, no cherry-picking the bits you like.
Oh, but Paul isn't writing to assert any of these entitlements. He's doing it because he must. He admits that he fakes being a member of whatever community he's living in, to the point where he'll follow Jewish law if he's in a Jewish neighbourhood, or he'll act like a gentile when he's among them. But it's all for a good cause, so it's fine.
Chapter 10
Paul dwells on Moses for a bit, reminding his audience about Moses parting the Red Sea, but how most of them displeased god, so he punished them, to the tune of 23 000 deaths in a single day. So no fornicating, because the end is nigh.
He reminds us not to be tempted, and to take communion, because it makes them all one flesh. This is not to say that all sacrifices are to real gods, no sir. When gentiles make sacrifices, it's to the devil. So you need to choose: in our out. Just like Paul himself, when he says he should be paid just like a Jewish temple worker. He tells us that anything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial, and we should think about others.
You can eat anything the butcher sells, and eat everything that's put on your plate, even brussels sprouts, but try not to offend others with your cooking.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Acts, Chapters 6 & 7: Stoning the annoying
Chapter 6
The "first" conflict in our perfectly harmonious little group arises, with the Greek Jews feeling that their widows are being slighted in favour of the Hebrew widows in the food-distribution system. The senior disciples are like, we're not waiters, so they instruct the junior disciples to find 7 trustworthy men, with trustworthy defined as full of the Holy Ghost (v. 3) to sort this little snafu out so they can pray some more. We even get the names of the appointed supervisors, this is such a big deal. Somehow, it also increases the number of followers.
One of the supervisors, Stephen, is singled out for his hard work. But not everyone appreciates him, and some members of the synagogue start a debate with him, but because he's so wise, they lose. Of course we aren't privy to what was actually said, we're just told this by someone writing for Steve's side. Anyway, the losers in the debate convince some other people to lie that Stephen blasphemed against Moses and god. He's taken to court, where he sits looking angelic.
Chapter 7
The priests ask Stephen if he's been blaspheming. He replies with a summary of the Old Testament which culminates in his telling the priests their ears and hearts aren't circumcised and again accusing them of murdering Jesus. In response, the priests gnash their teeth at Steve, which I assume was the first-century equivalent of biting one's thumb.
Stephen just looks up and sees god and Jesus looking down at him. This is the final straw for the priests, who cover their ears and run him out of town, where they stone him. For some reason, the bible also makes note of the fact that they take all their clothes off and give them to someone named Saul to hold.
As he's being stoned, Stephen prays to Jesus and begs him not to add this to his accusers' list of sins.
The "first" conflict in our perfectly harmonious little group arises, with the Greek Jews feeling that their widows are being slighted in favour of the Hebrew widows in the food-distribution system. The senior disciples are like, we're not waiters, so they instruct the junior disciples to find 7 trustworthy men, with trustworthy defined as full of the Holy Ghost (v. 3) to sort this little snafu out so they can pray some more. We even get the names of the appointed supervisors, this is such a big deal. Somehow, it also increases the number of followers.
One of the supervisors, Stephen, is singled out for his hard work. But not everyone appreciates him, and some members of the synagogue start a debate with him, but because he's so wise, they lose. Of course we aren't privy to what was actually said, we're just told this by someone writing for Steve's side. Anyway, the losers in the debate convince some other people to lie that Stephen blasphemed against Moses and god. He's taken to court, where he sits looking angelic.
Chapter 7
The priests ask Stephen if he's been blaspheming. He replies with a summary of the Old Testament which culminates in his telling the priests their ears and hearts aren't circumcised and again accusing them of murdering Jesus. In response, the priests gnash their teeth at Steve, which I assume was the first-century equivalent of biting one's thumb.
Stephen just looks up and sees god and Jesus looking down at him. This is the final straw for the priests, who cover their ears and run him out of town, where they stone him. For some reason, the bible also makes note of the fact that they take all their clothes off and give them to someone named Saul to hold.
As he's being stoned, Stephen prays to Jesus and begs him not to add this to his accusers' list of sins.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
John, Chapter 5: Sunday schooled
Christ & Co. head for Jerusalem for Passover, which I learned yesterday, thanks to my hero Bart D. Erhman, was an act of silent protest against the Roman occupation. In response, the Romans would bring in extra legions in case the silent protests turned noisy. So you can imagine there was already some tension in the air.
But before we get to the main story, the narrative veers left to tell us about a pool in Bethesda that apparently really did exist. Anyway, sick people hang around this pool a lot, waiting for an angel to come along and stir the water, after which anyone who goes in is cured. Jesus passes by and sees a dude who has been sitting there for 38 years. He asks him why he hasn't gone into the water. He finds begging too lucrative hasn't been able to make it, because he doesn't have a helper, and when the angel stirs the water, people shove him aside in their zeal to be cured. Jesus cures him and instructs him to take his bed home. As he's carrying the bed, some nosy Jews confront him for working on the Sabbath. The guy defends himself that he's just following Jesus' orders, and they demand to meet this Jesus person. But when the guy leads them back to the pool to find him, Jesus has disappeared. They do meet again the next day in the temple, when Jesus warns him not to sin anymore. The man helpfully points Jesus out to the morality police, who decide to persecute him for working on the Sabbath.
When the god squad confronts Jesus, he says My Father worketh hitherto, and I work (v. 17) which only serves to make them madder than ever. Jesus serenely tells them he has many more tricks up his sleeve, like raising a zombie army and total control over judging people. He says people should worship him as a god, which went over so well with the Jews when Caligula tried it (they rioted). He promises eternal life to those who follow them, and promises them the apocalypse is coming up quick. He says John can vouch for him as will god, and to search the scriptures if they don't believe him. He also condemns them all to hell for not believing in him, or god, or Moses which is always a surefire way to get converts.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Jeremiah, Chapters 13-15: Was a good friend of mine
Chapter 13
The curious laundry incident: God tells Jeremiah to put on, depending on your translation: a linen belt, girdle, waist cloth or loin cloth. Then he tells him to go to the banks of the Euphrates and hide it under a rock. A few days later, he tells him to go and retrieve the garment and, quelle surprise! It's filthy. I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a piece of cloth worn for several days by a person who doesn't know about toilet paper, then left under a rock next to a river for a week would get dirty. Apparently this miracle is a metaphor for what god is planning to do to the Israelites.
How his exact plan is related to the dirty laundry is mysterious: what he's going to do is get them all drunk, then start a fight between fathers and sons. Again, I'm not seeing what's divine about this. I mean, I've seen drunk people come to blows about who was next in line for a bank machine, and although god's name was invoked, I'm pretty sure he didn't have much of a role in it.
All this punishment is coming because the Israelites have been so bad and unfaithful. And then it turns out that one of the most famous lines of the bible is not quite as you remember it, and possibly racist to boot: Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? (v. 23) Clearly they were not anticipating Michael Jackson.
Chapter 14
There is a drought so bad it's turning donkeys into dragons. So they start praying to god. But Jeremiah is there to tell them that their praying and fasting and sacrificing is having no effect and god is going to kill them with swords, plague and famine. When Jeremiah points out that the prophets have said god promised peace, god vows to unleash the same wrath on them.
Chapter 15
God is really going to follow through on his threats this time, and not even the pleas of Moses or Samuel will change his mind. And why is he going to kill his people with swords, famine, enslavement, dogs, beasts and birds? Well, because of something Manasseh the son of Hezekiah king of Judah, for that which he did in Jerusalem (v. 4). I didn't have any idea what Manasseh did either, but Wikipedia reminds me that he reinstituted pagan worship.
More threats: infertility, more widows than sand, young men struck down at noon. The rest will be attacked and enslaved. But all this can be reversed if they just repent!
The curious laundry incident: God tells Jeremiah to put on, depending on your translation: a linen belt, girdle, waist cloth or loin cloth. Then he tells him to go to the banks of the Euphrates and hide it under a rock. A few days later, he tells him to go and retrieve the garment and, quelle surprise! It's filthy. I cannot tell you how shocked I am that a piece of cloth worn for several days by a person who doesn't know about toilet paper, then left under a rock next to a river for a week would get dirty. Apparently this miracle is a metaphor for what god is planning to do to the Israelites.
How his exact plan is related to the dirty laundry is mysterious: what he's going to do is get them all drunk, then start a fight between fathers and sons. Again, I'm not seeing what's divine about this. I mean, I've seen drunk people come to blows about who was next in line for a bank machine, and although god's name was invoked, I'm pretty sure he didn't have much of a role in it.
All this punishment is coming because the Israelites have been so bad and unfaithful. And then it turns out that one of the most famous lines of the bible is not quite as you remember it, and possibly racist to boot: Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? (v. 23) Clearly they were not anticipating Michael Jackson.
Chapter 14
There is a drought so bad it's turning donkeys into dragons. So they start praying to god. But Jeremiah is there to tell them that their praying and fasting and sacrificing is having no effect and god is going to kill them with swords, plague and famine. When Jeremiah points out that the prophets have said god promised peace, god vows to unleash the same wrath on them.
Chapter 15
God is really going to follow through on his threats this time, and not even the pleas of Moses or Samuel will change his mind. And why is he going to kill his people with swords, famine, enslavement, dogs, beasts and birds? Well, because of something Manasseh the son of Hezekiah king of Judah, for that which he did in Jerusalem (v. 4). I didn't have any idea what Manasseh did either, but Wikipedia reminds me that he reinstituted pagan worship.
More threats: infertility, more widows than sand, young men struck down at noon. The rest will be attacked and enslaved. But all this can be reversed if they just repent!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Isaiah, Chapters 62 & 63: Jerusalem electrified
Chapter 62
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
God, or Isaiah or whoever is speaking at this point, vows not to rest until all of Jerusalem is hooked up to the electrical grid of righteousness. Then he's going to give the city a new name, which, trust me, is never a good idea. Change your address, phone number, email address, anything about yourself, and it is a massive headache that requires years of correcting people. I lived in Japan for a couple of years at the beginning of this century and people still ask me how Tokyo is. Not to mention that the new name: Hepzibah (v. 4) sucks. He also promises never to let Israel be occupied again.
Chapter 63
God's manic episode has come to an end and he's feeling smitey again, this time towards the Edomites. He taunts them that their garments are stained red because he's been stomping on them like they're in a wine press.
Then he tells us AGAIN about how god was super-nice to the Israelites and they pissed all over it and he went to war against him, but they reminded him about all that fun stuff with Moses and ask for some mercy and compassion. They would also like to know why god hardens their hearts and makes them so rebellious, which is a good question. They do not ask why they are responsible for their actions of god is in control, nor to they ask what exactly 'free will' is supposed to mean if this is true.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 32-24
Chapter 32
A song! However, with lyrics like They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust (v. 24), Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.
Apparently, the wine of the Israelites' enemies is poisonous to dragons. Ah, so that's why we don't have any. No word yet on why the unicorns, which god is apparently stronger than, are no longer with us. Too many cage matches with god, maybe?
God then commands Moses to go up Mount Nebo and look on Canaan before his death.
Chapter 33
A repeat of the blessings of the 12 tribes, as given by Jacob at the end of Genesis.
Reuben gets a tepid blessing that he will survive and multiply.
Judah will lead the army into battle.
The Levites will be the priests and educators and guardians of the Thummim and Urim coin that gives yes-no answers.
Benjamin will live in safety.
Joseph will enrich the other tribes. We also find out that the horns of his cattle are like the horns of unicorns, so apparently those are still around. No word on sasquatch.
Zebulin will prosper in the seas.
The Gadites will also be successful in battle, as will Dan.
Napthali will live happily to the south and west.
Asher will have a successful olive-growing operation.
Chapter 34
Moses goes up the mountain and dies. How he managed to write about that is not explained. Then he's buried in an 'unknown' grave in Moab. The people mourn for him for 30 days, then Joshua somehow inherits his wisdom and becomes the new leader and author of the next book.
A song! However, with lyrics like They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust (v. 24), Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.
Apparently, the wine of the Israelites' enemies is poisonous to dragons. Ah, so that's why we don't have any. No word yet on why the unicorns, which god is apparently stronger than, are no longer with us. Too many cage matches with god, maybe?
God then commands Moses to go up Mount Nebo and look on Canaan before his death.
Chapter 33
A repeat of the blessings of the 12 tribes, as given by Jacob at the end of Genesis.
Reuben gets a tepid blessing that he will survive and multiply.
Judah will lead the army into battle.
The Levites will be the priests and educators and guardians of the Thummim and Urim coin that gives yes-no answers.
Benjamin will live in safety.
Joseph will enrich the other tribes. We also find out that the horns of his cattle are like the horns of unicorns, so apparently those are still around. No word on sasquatch.
Zebulin will prosper in the seas.
The Gadites will also be successful in battle, as will Dan.
Napthali will live happily to the south and west.
Asher will have a successful olive-growing operation.
Chapter 34
Moses goes up the mountain and dies. How he managed to write about that is not explained. Then he's buried in an 'unknown' grave in Moab. The people mourn for him for 30 days, then Joshua somehow inherits his wisdom and becomes the new leader and author of the next book.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 29-31
Chapter 29
Another reminder of the covenant and a reminder not to worship other gods. One bit of information is added to it: no following your own heart.
Chapter 30
Blah, blah, blah, covenant. Blah, blah, blah, blessings if you follow it. Blah, blah, blah, curses if you worship other gods. The most interesting thing about it is that Jerry Falwell thinks it's all a build-up to the book of Revelations and the second coming of Jesus, because he's deluded.
Chapter 31
Moses is 120 and has clearly been out of it for awhile. He reminds the Israelites, as he has done in umpteen chapters, that god is going to defeat their enemies. He designates Joshua as his successor.
Next he calls on the priests to read all the laws every seven years at the feast of tabernacles. Urgh, are there still sects out there who sit through a reading of all the laws supposedly placed in the Ark of the Covenant? Remember to bring a pillow that day.
God then actually appears again in cloud form and tells Joshua and Moses that the people are going to be led astray in future and he will forsake them and turn away from them. That's right! God is not a figment of your imagination, we just haven't got our theology right in 2000 years of practicing since this book was published!
Moses and Joshua then write a song about the covenant but we don't get to hear it until the next chapter.
Another reminder of the covenant and a reminder not to worship other gods. One bit of information is added to it: no following your own heart.
Chapter 30
Blah, blah, blah, covenant. Blah, blah, blah, blessings if you follow it. Blah, blah, blah, curses if you worship other gods. The most interesting thing about it is that Jerry Falwell thinks it's all a build-up to the book of Revelations and the second coming of Jesus, because he's deluded.
Chapter 31
Moses is 120 and has clearly been out of it for awhile. He reminds the Israelites, as he has done in umpteen chapters, that god is going to defeat their enemies. He designates Joshua as his successor.
Next he calls on the priests to read all the laws every seven years at the feast of tabernacles. Urgh, are there still sects out there who sit through a reading of all the laws supposedly placed in the Ark of the Covenant? Remember to bring a pillow that day.
God then actually appears again in cloud form and tells Joshua and Moses that the people are going to be led astray in future and he will forsake them and turn away from them. That's right! God is not a figment of your imagination, we just haven't got our theology right in 2000 years of practicing since this book was published!
Moses and Joshua then write a song about the covenant but we don't get to hear it until the next chapter.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 24-26
Chapter 24
A prayer for the festival of first fruits. It basically recounts Abraham's story, then the Israelites' sojourn in Egypt and their journey to the promised land.
Every third year, you have to tithe your crop to the Levites, the poor and widows. Oh, and no offering food to the dead.
Chapter 25
When the Israelites cross the Jordan river, they are to set up stone pilars, then cover them in plaster. When the plaster dries, they are to write the laws on them. Next, they have to build an altar out of unhewn stone, also with the laws written on it. This altar is for sacrifices.
Then Moses tells the tribes to split up and go to two different mountains. The tribes of Levi, Simeon, Judah, Issachar, Joseph and Benjamin are to go to Mount Gerizim to shout blessings, the people of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan and Naphtali are to go to Mount Ebal to shout curses. Because punishments are more fun to hear about than rewards, we don't get to hear the blessings. And oddly, even though they are on the blessing side, the Levites are going to cry out the curses. The people are to respond to each one with 'Amen!' so you can assume that's what they're doing. I do believe this is the first time the book says amen.
Anyway, here are the things that bring down curses: making graven images and hiding them, dishonouring your parents, moving your fences onto your neighbours' property, leading the blind astray, injustice to strangers, widows and orphans, having sex with your stepmothers, bestiality, sex with your sisters and half-sisters, sex with your mother-in-law, killing your neighbour in secret, contract killing, not following the laws.
Chapter 28
Oops! The blessings are laid out, crammed into 14 verses, followed by 54 verses of curses. Hey, that rhymes!
Okay, here are the carrots: favoured by god, prosperous cities and farms, children, increased herds and flocks, your stores won't rot, you'll be blessed when you go out and when you come back, god will protect you from your enemies and scatter them about, other people will fear you, riches, good rain, no need to borrow from other nations and you'll always be on top.
Then the sticks: well, the opposite of the above (what was that about not punishing kids for the sins of their parents? what?), plus pestilence, consumption, fever, inflammation, scorching heat and droughts, mildew, bronze skies, iron earth, dustbowls, your corpse will be carrion, boils, hemorrhoids, sores, incurable itch, madness, blindness, panic attacks, daytime blindness, oppression, ruination, cuckoldery of your wife, house, field and livestock, enslavement of your children, crop destruction, boils on the knees and legs, and all the way from feet to head (yes, it gets repetitive, as anyone ranting does), exile, worship of other gods, becoming a joke amongst other people (and considering they aren't mentioned in Herodotus...), locusts, worms, fruitless olive trees, foreigners will take over and control the wealth, cursed and enslaved children, enslavement, attack by barbarians, who will eat all the livestock and besiege the cities, cannibalism, women will turn on their families and eat their babies, plagues and diseases onto their descendants, scattering to the ends of the earth, hostility from neighbours, generalised anxiety disorder, a wish for night in the morning, and morning at night, return to Egypt, where they'll be enslaved, but no one will buy them.
Whew! Well, if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.
A prayer for the festival of first fruits. It basically recounts Abraham's story, then the Israelites' sojourn in Egypt and their journey to the promised land.
Every third year, you have to tithe your crop to the Levites, the poor and widows. Oh, and no offering food to the dead.
Chapter 25
When the Israelites cross the Jordan river, they are to set up stone pilars, then cover them in plaster. When the plaster dries, they are to write the laws on them. Next, they have to build an altar out of unhewn stone, also with the laws written on it. This altar is for sacrifices.
Then Moses tells the tribes to split up and go to two different mountains. The tribes of Levi, Simeon, Judah, Issachar, Joseph and Benjamin are to go to Mount Gerizim to shout blessings, the people of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan and Naphtali are to go to Mount Ebal to shout curses. Because punishments are more fun to hear about than rewards, we don't get to hear the blessings. And oddly, even though they are on the blessing side, the Levites are going to cry out the curses. The people are to respond to each one with 'Amen!' so you can assume that's what they're doing. I do believe this is the first time the book says amen.
Anyway, here are the things that bring down curses: making graven images and hiding them, dishonouring your parents, moving your fences onto your neighbours' property, leading the blind astray, injustice to strangers, widows and orphans, having sex with your stepmothers, bestiality, sex with your sisters and half-sisters, sex with your mother-in-law, killing your neighbour in secret, contract killing, not following the laws.
Chapter 28
Oops! The blessings are laid out, crammed into 14 verses, followed by 54 verses of curses. Hey, that rhymes!
Okay, here are the carrots: favoured by god, prosperous cities and farms, children, increased herds and flocks, your stores won't rot, you'll be blessed when you go out and when you come back, god will protect you from your enemies and scatter them about, other people will fear you, riches, good rain, no need to borrow from other nations and you'll always be on top.
Then the sticks: well, the opposite of the above (what was that about not punishing kids for the sins of their parents? what?), plus pestilence, consumption, fever, inflammation, scorching heat and droughts, mildew, bronze skies, iron earth, dustbowls, your corpse will be carrion, boils, hemorrhoids, sores, incurable itch, madness, blindness, panic attacks, daytime blindness, oppression, ruination, cuckoldery of your wife, house, field and livestock, enslavement of your children, crop destruction, boils on the knees and legs, and all the way from feet to head (yes, it gets repetitive, as anyone ranting does), exile, worship of other gods, becoming a joke amongst other people (and considering they aren't mentioned in Herodotus...), locusts, worms, fruitless olive trees, foreigners will take over and control the wealth, cursed and enslaved children, enslavement, attack by barbarians, who will eat all the livestock and besiege the cities, cannibalism, women will turn on their families and eat their babies, plagues and diseases onto their descendants, scattering to the ends of the earth, hostility from neighbours, generalised anxiety disorder, a wish for night in the morning, and morning at night, return to Egypt, where they'll be enslaved, but no one will buy them.
Whew! Well, if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 23-25
Chapter 23
Men with injured testicles or whose penises have been cut off may not worship in the temple. Further, bastards are not allowed in, even unto the 10th generation. Is there anyone in the entire world who doesn't have at least one great-great-great-great grandparent who was illegitimate? I think not. Ammonites and Moabites can't join the congregation for 10 generations, though according to Jerry Falwell, that prohibition only applies to men. Women can marry Israelites and convert. Of course. Edomites and Egyptians can join after 3.
People who have 'nocturnal emissions' are unclean and have to leave the camp until sundown, at which point they can take a shower and come home. So boys between the ages of 12 and oh, 62, pretty much lived in the fields then.
If you get, uh, caught short away from home and have to improvise a field toilet, for god's sake, dig a hole and cover it up when you're finished. This one I happen to agree with, though not for the reason given in the book, which is that god will be walking around and doesn't want to get his shoes dirty. I'm more concerned about my own shoes.
If an escaped slave comes to your village, you should not give him back to his master, but rather should let him live where he likes.
Israelites may not become prostitutes or engage in homosexual sex. Nor shall male or female prostitutes tithe their wages to the church. Jerry is silent on this, which I find odd.
Next, usury is banned. Well, only among Israelites. Charging strangers interest is fine. If only evangelical Christians would pay attention to this one, and try to get payday loan services banned, rather than focus on the verse above it.
Keep your promises.
Finally, a note on hospitality: when in your neighbour's vineyard, you can eat enough grapes to satisfy yourself, but you can't put some in a doggie bag. Same with his corn.
Chapter 24
If you get married, then divorce your wife, then she marries another dude, then divorces him, you can't get remarried. Apparently, the governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, a committed Christian, did exactly this, to the sounds of crickets chirping from evangelicals.
Newlywed men cannot be drafted into the army for a year.
No taking the upper or lower millstone for a debt security, because that's taking a man's livelihood.
People who steal slaves and sell them on are to be put to death.
Remember the laws on leprosy, and what happened to Miriam (struck with the disease for accusing Moses of breaking god's laws on intermarriage, which he did.)
When collecting a debt, no going inside the debtor's house, it should be done in the open.
Be nice to the poor and pay your workers on time.
Now apparently fathers can't be punished for the sins of their children, nor can children be punished for the sins of their father. Never mind all those seven verses we've already read, including one in the last chapter that say the exact opposite.
Then another reminder to be nice to widows and orphans, and when you harvest, to let them scavenge the fields.
Chapter 25
Beatings: it's not quite the law of the jungle, but it isn't quite civilised, either. If two men get into a dispute they can take it to a judge. If one is deemed guilty, the judge can order up to 40 lashes, depending on the crime.
Let animals eat while they work.
If a man gets married, then dies without issue, his brother must then marry his wife. Their first son will take the father's name so it doesn't die out. If the brother refuses, the wife can report him to the priests. The priests can then call him before them, and if he admits it, the wife can then loosen his shoe and spit in his face, and his clan will then be known as the house of him that hath his shoe loosed (v. 10).
Next, brawling: if two men are brawling and one's wife interferes and grabs the other by the testicles, à la Jerry Springer, her hand will be cut off.
How can you even take any of this out of context? There is no context. Right after hand-chopping, there are a few verses about using fair weights and measures, then the chapter segues immediately into avenging themselves on the Amalekites. The end for today.
Men with injured testicles or whose penises have been cut off may not worship in the temple. Further, bastards are not allowed in, even unto the 10th generation. Is there anyone in the entire world who doesn't have at least one great-great-great-great grandparent who was illegitimate? I think not. Ammonites and Moabites can't join the congregation for 10 generations, though according to Jerry Falwell, that prohibition only applies to men. Women can marry Israelites and convert. Of course. Edomites and Egyptians can join after 3.
People who have 'nocturnal emissions' are unclean and have to leave the camp until sundown, at which point they can take a shower and come home. So boys between the ages of 12 and oh, 62, pretty much lived in the fields then.
If you get, uh, caught short away from home and have to improvise a field toilet, for god's sake, dig a hole and cover it up when you're finished. This one I happen to agree with, though not for the reason given in the book, which is that god will be walking around and doesn't want to get his shoes dirty. I'm more concerned about my own shoes.
If an escaped slave comes to your village, you should not give him back to his master, but rather should let him live where he likes.
Israelites may not become prostitutes or engage in homosexual sex. Nor shall male or female prostitutes tithe their wages to the church. Jerry is silent on this, which I find odd.
Next, usury is banned. Well, only among Israelites. Charging strangers interest is fine. If only evangelical Christians would pay attention to this one, and try to get payday loan services banned, rather than focus on the verse above it.
Keep your promises.
Finally, a note on hospitality: when in your neighbour's vineyard, you can eat enough grapes to satisfy yourself, but you can't put some in a doggie bag. Same with his corn.
Chapter 24
If you get married, then divorce your wife, then she marries another dude, then divorces him, you can't get remarried. Apparently, the governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, a committed Christian, did exactly this, to the sounds of crickets chirping from evangelicals.
Newlywed men cannot be drafted into the army for a year.
No taking the upper or lower millstone for a debt security, because that's taking a man's livelihood.
People who steal slaves and sell them on are to be put to death.
Remember the laws on leprosy, and what happened to Miriam (struck with the disease for accusing Moses of breaking god's laws on intermarriage, which he did.)
When collecting a debt, no going inside the debtor's house, it should be done in the open.
Be nice to the poor and pay your workers on time.
Now apparently fathers can't be punished for the sins of their children, nor can children be punished for the sins of their father. Never mind all those seven verses we've already read, including one in the last chapter that say the exact opposite.
Then another reminder to be nice to widows and orphans, and when you harvest, to let them scavenge the fields.
Chapter 25
Beatings: it's not quite the law of the jungle, but it isn't quite civilised, either. If two men get into a dispute they can take it to a judge. If one is deemed guilty, the judge can order up to 40 lashes, depending on the crime.
Let animals eat while they work.
If a man gets married, then dies without issue, his brother must then marry his wife. Their first son will take the father's name so it doesn't die out. If the brother refuses, the wife can report him to the priests. The priests can then call him before them, and if he admits it, the wife can then loosen his shoe and spit in his face, and his clan will then be known as the house of him that hath his shoe loosed (v. 10).
Next, brawling: if two men are brawling and one's wife interferes and grabs the other by the testicles, à la Jerry Springer, her hand will be cut off.
How can you even take any of this out of context? There is no context. Right after hand-chopping, there are a few verses about using fair weights and measures, then the chapter segues immediately into avenging themselves on the Amalekites. The end for today.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 20-22
Chapter 20
War rules. Namely, don't worry about going into battle, because god is on your side! I wonder how many foolhardy skirmishes this particular chapter has caused, and how many needless deaths.
Those exempt from the draft: those who have built houses and not yet consecrated them, those who have planted a vineyard and not harvested, those who have not yet consummated their marriages and those who are fearful and faint-hearted (v. 8). I wonder how many of those Dick Cheney used to get out of Vietnam?
On conquering a city, the inhabitants may be enslaved if they surrender. However, if they don't, the males, down to the babies, are to be killed, and the women and cattle taken as booty. These do not apply to peoples living in the promised land, all of whom are to be slaughtered.
Oddly, trees are to be spared, if they bear fruit. Otherwise, they can cut them down to reinforce the city walls.
Chapter 21
When you find a body in the field, and can't determine the cause of death, rather than call in the CSI crew, the priests from the neighbouring villages are to measure the distance between their community and the spot. The closest one is responsible for the disposal. Then the priests have to find a heifer that has never worked, break its neck, wash their hands and say Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it (v. 7).
Next, rules on treatment of female prisoners of war. If you see a hottie among your captives, you can bring her home. She then has to shave her head and trim her fingernails and give up her old clothes. She gets to mourn her family for a month, after which you can marry her. If you don't like her, you can send her away, but you can't sell her to someone else. There is no rule for what happens if she doesn't like you.
if you have two wives, and like one better, you can't favour her children over the other's. You still have to give the lion's share of your estate to your firstborn son.
What to do with rebellious sons: take them to the priests, accuse them of gluttony and drunkenness, then sit back and watch the men of your city stone him to death. Jerry Falwell is in total support of this, saying 'anarchy in the home breeds anarchy in society.' Bear in mind that he wants to rule society based on this kind of biblical family values. Also, the main justification for taking over Canaan is that the Canaanites practiced child sacrifice. And what is this, exactly, but child murder?
Finally, if you hang someone, cut his body down that day.
Chapter 22
Another bizarre list of unrelated rules. Or maybe they are. You be the judge.
First, if you find your neighbours' cattle or donkeys, give them back.
Next, never mind Joseph from Genesis, and his queenly ways, cross-dressing is now an abomination. Jerry loves this, because it supports his theory that there should be 'a proper distinction between the sexes.' Ya'll, this is his code for 'women should stay home and have babies while men should go out and work.' Because it's still 1870. He then goes on to list various items of clothing that are prohibited, proving he is way to knowledgeable about this subject to be straight.
Next, if you find a bird's nest, only take the eggs, let the mother go free.
Make your roof safe when you build a house.
No GM crops, no plowing with an ox and a donkey, no mixed fabrics, put fringes on your clothing. Jerry Falwell doesn't even bother to cite the New Testament verses that supposedly negate any of these rules. Personally, I think it was union regulations.
If you marry a girl, then decide you don't like her, you can claim she wasn't a virgin when you got married. If her family can produce bloody sheets (ugh) to prove you wrong, you have to pay a fine. If they can't, the girl will be stoned to death on her father's doorstep. Jerry Falwell is of course perfectly accepting of this 'adultery was punishable by death for both partners involved as a violation of the sacrosanct nature of the family.'
Adultery is also punishable by death. If an engaged woman is raped within the city limits, and doesn't cry out loud enough, she is an adulteress and both parties will be put to death. If it happens in the field, where no one would have heard the girl if she cried out, only the man is punishable by death. If a girl is not engaged and she gets raped, her rapist must pay for her and marry her.
Finally, no marrying your father's wife, nor looking under his robes.
War rules. Namely, don't worry about going into battle, because god is on your side! I wonder how many foolhardy skirmishes this particular chapter has caused, and how many needless deaths.
Those exempt from the draft: those who have built houses and not yet consecrated them, those who have planted a vineyard and not harvested, those who have not yet consummated their marriages and those who are fearful and faint-hearted (v. 8). I wonder how many of those Dick Cheney used to get out of Vietnam?
On conquering a city, the inhabitants may be enslaved if they surrender. However, if they don't, the males, down to the babies, are to be killed, and the women and cattle taken as booty. These do not apply to peoples living in the promised land, all of whom are to be slaughtered.
Oddly, trees are to be spared, if they bear fruit. Otherwise, they can cut them down to reinforce the city walls.
Chapter 21
When you find a body in the field, and can't determine the cause of death, rather than call in the CSI crew, the priests from the neighbouring villages are to measure the distance between their community and the spot. The closest one is responsible for the disposal. Then the priests have to find a heifer that has never worked, break its neck, wash their hands and say Our hands have not shed this blood, neither have our eyes seen it (v. 7).
Next, rules on treatment of female prisoners of war. If you see a hottie among your captives, you can bring her home. She then has to shave her head and trim her fingernails and give up her old clothes. She gets to mourn her family for a month, after which you can marry her. If you don't like her, you can send her away, but you can't sell her to someone else. There is no rule for what happens if she doesn't like you.
if you have two wives, and like one better, you can't favour her children over the other's. You still have to give the lion's share of your estate to your firstborn son.
What to do with rebellious sons: take them to the priests, accuse them of gluttony and drunkenness, then sit back and watch the men of your city stone him to death. Jerry Falwell is in total support of this, saying 'anarchy in the home breeds anarchy in society.' Bear in mind that he wants to rule society based on this kind of biblical family values. Also, the main justification for taking over Canaan is that the Canaanites practiced child sacrifice. And what is this, exactly, but child murder?
Finally, if you hang someone, cut his body down that day.
Chapter 22
Another bizarre list of unrelated rules. Or maybe they are. You be the judge.
First, if you find your neighbours' cattle or donkeys, give them back.
Next, never mind Joseph from Genesis, and his queenly ways, cross-dressing is now an abomination. Jerry loves this, because it supports his theory that there should be 'a proper distinction between the sexes.' Ya'll, this is his code for 'women should stay home and have babies while men should go out and work.' Because it's still 1870. He then goes on to list various items of clothing that are prohibited, proving he is way to knowledgeable about this subject to be straight.
Next, if you find a bird's nest, only take the eggs, let the mother go free.
Make your roof safe when you build a house.
No GM crops, no plowing with an ox and a donkey, no mixed fabrics, put fringes on your clothing. Jerry Falwell doesn't even bother to cite the New Testament verses that supposedly negate any of these rules. Personally, I think it was union regulations.
If you marry a girl, then decide you don't like her, you can claim she wasn't a virgin when you got married. If her family can produce bloody sheets (ugh) to prove you wrong, you have to pay a fine. If they can't, the girl will be stoned to death on her father's doorstep. Jerry Falwell is of course perfectly accepting of this 'adultery was punishable by death for both partners involved as a violation of the sacrosanct nature of the family.'
Adultery is also punishable by death. If an engaged woman is raped within the city limits, and doesn't cry out loud enough, she is an adulteress and both parties will be put to death. If it happens in the field, where no one would have heard the girl if she cried out, only the man is punishable by death. If a girl is not engaged and she gets raped, her rapist must pay for her and marry her.
Finally, no marrying your father's wife, nor looking under his robes.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 17-19
Chapter 17
Sacrificial animals must be pure, in case that wasn't clear from the oh, 700 other verses where we are told that.
Non-believers who practice their religion in Israel are to be stoned to death, not unlike Saudi Arabia today, and we all know how much fun it would be to live there, don't we!
Some clarification on the death penalty: at least two witnesses are needed for a capital sentence, if only one can be found, you can only banish the person. Witnesses get to cast the first stone.
Moses then sets up various levels of court for more entrenched cases. People who refuse to accept the judgements of the supreme court will be put to death. Huh. Of course Jerry has nothing to say on how that particular verse does not apply to evangelical Christians' opposition to Roe v. Wade.
Then the line of succession is laid out: they can choose the king, and god will give his judgement. Qualifications for king: he must be an Israelite, he can't have too many horses, he can't take them to Egypt, he can't have too many wives or too much gold and silver. Take that, prosperity gospel! He also has to read his bible every day.
Chapter 18
A reminder to tithe so the priests can eat, and not to worship other gods. Then we get a reminder not to practice witchcraft of any sort.
Next, god promises to raise a prophet from among them. Of course there will be false prophets, and they'll know them because the things they predict won't come true. But hang on! A couple of chapters ago, we were told that false prophets' predictions might also come true! Jerry Falwell's crack team of biblical scholars for once notices the contradiction, but punts when it comes to explaining it, saying only that the true prophet will remain true to the word of god and not lead them astray. Of course, Jesus was killed because a council of priests decided he was indeed a false prophet, but there is no explanation of that, either.
Chapter 19
More on the cities of refuge. A typical example is given: a man is chopping wood, and the head flies off his axe and kills his neighbour. He can then run to the nearest city and if he gets there before the neighbour's relatives, he will be safe. If he killed his neighbour on purpose, however, the elders of the city must cast him out to the avengers. At least two people have to witness the crime for it to be valid. According to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible, this section is often used by Jehovah's Witnesses to justify not reporting crimes from within. False witnesses will be executed.
Sacrificial animals must be pure, in case that wasn't clear from the oh, 700 other verses where we are told that.
Non-believers who practice their religion in Israel are to be stoned to death, not unlike Saudi Arabia today, and we all know how much fun it would be to live there, don't we!
Some clarification on the death penalty: at least two witnesses are needed for a capital sentence, if only one can be found, you can only banish the person. Witnesses get to cast the first stone.
Moses then sets up various levels of court for more entrenched cases. People who refuse to accept the judgements of the supreme court will be put to death. Huh. Of course Jerry has nothing to say on how that particular verse does not apply to evangelical Christians' opposition to Roe v. Wade.
Then the line of succession is laid out: they can choose the king, and god will give his judgement. Qualifications for king: he must be an Israelite, he can't have too many horses, he can't take them to Egypt, he can't have too many wives or too much gold and silver. Take that, prosperity gospel! He also has to read his bible every day.
Chapter 18
A reminder to tithe so the priests can eat, and not to worship other gods. Then we get a reminder not to practice witchcraft of any sort.
Next, god promises to raise a prophet from among them. Of course there will be false prophets, and they'll know them because the things they predict won't come true. But hang on! A couple of chapters ago, we were told that false prophets' predictions might also come true! Jerry Falwell's crack team of biblical scholars for once notices the contradiction, but punts when it comes to explaining it, saying only that the true prophet will remain true to the word of god and not lead them astray. Of course, Jesus was killed because a council of priests decided he was indeed a false prophet, but there is no explanation of that, either.
Chapter 19
More on the cities of refuge. A typical example is given: a man is chopping wood, and the head flies off his axe and kills his neighbour. He can then run to the nearest city and if he gets there before the neighbour's relatives, he will be safe. If he killed his neighbour on purpose, however, the elders of the city must cast him out to the avengers. At least two people have to witness the crime for it to be valid. According to the Skeptics' Annotated Bible, this section is often used by Jehovah's Witnesses to justify not reporting crimes from within. False witnesses will be executed.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 11-13
This book is so boring I almost want a mass killing or plague just to break up the monotony.
Chapter 11
Blah blah blah. Left slavery in Egypt. Israel is the land of milk and honey (it's not) if they obey, but god will smite it if they don't.
Chapter 12
An exhortation to destroy the places of worship of the pagans. Then a reminder about tithing and sacrifices in the promised land. They can also slaughter their own animals, and both clean and unclean people can feast on them, but no eating blood! No eating food for the tithe, either, except in the temple. This is repeated. Also, no worshipping other gods. Finally, you have to follow all the laws in the Old Testament forever. Of course Jerry doesn't touch this.
Chapter 13
The Israelites are told not to believe in false prophets, even if their prophesies come to pass. He'll be sending them along periodically as a test, and they are not to follow them, but rather to kill them. See here for an example of this.
If your kids, brothers, half-brothers or wives try to convert you to another religion, you are to kill them immediately by stoning. Jerry even feels the need to point this out in his footnotes to this chapter, which makes me think a theocracy under his direction would resemble the Spanish Inquisition.
If you hear of people worshipping another god in one of your cities, you are to destroy them and their cattle. Then you have to burn everything in the town square and you can't rebuild. This does not bode well for Salt Lake City. Also, Martin Luther, for all he seems like a happy-clappy good guy you'd want to have a beer with now, used this chapter to go after Jewish enclaves, which lowers my opinion of him considerably.
Chapter 11
Blah blah blah. Left slavery in Egypt. Israel is the land of milk and honey (it's not) if they obey, but god will smite it if they don't.
Chapter 12
An exhortation to destroy the places of worship of the pagans. Then a reminder about tithing and sacrifices in the promised land. They can also slaughter their own animals, and both clean and unclean people can feast on them, but no eating blood! No eating food for the tithe, either, except in the temple. This is repeated. Also, no worshipping other gods. Finally, you have to follow all the laws in the Old Testament forever. Of course Jerry doesn't touch this.
Chapter 13
The Israelites are told not to believe in false prophets, even if their prophesies come to pass. He'll be sending them along periodically as a test, and they are not to follow them, but rather to kill them. See here for an example of this.
If your kids, brothers, half-brothers or wives try to convert you to another religion, you are to kill them immediately by stoning. Jerry even feels the need to point this out in his footnotes to this chapter, which makes me think a theocracy under his direction would resemble the Spanish Inquisition.
If you hear of people worshipping another god in one of your cities, you are to destroy them and their cattle. Then you have to burn everything in the town square and you can't rebuild. This does not bode well for Salt Lake City. Also, Martin Luther, for all he seems like a happy-clappy good guy you'd want to have a beer with now, used this chapter to go after Jewish enclaves, which lowers my opinion of him considerably.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 8-10
Chapter 8
God tells the Israelites that he has been leading them around the desert for the past 40 years as a test of faith and to get them to trust him. Here's a way to get people to trust you: promise them a country, then give it to them. Here's a way to get people to obey you out of fear: send plagues, snakes, earthquakes and fire when they don't obey you. Which one is more familiar?
Apparently, god also didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out in those 40 years. This is followed by yet another promise that Canaan will be bountiful and they'll be rich if they follow his commands. If they don't: death!
Chapter 9
The first people to be defeated will be the giant Anakims. The Israelites are then informed that they are not getting Canaan because they're virtuous, but rather because the Canaanites are so bad. I wouldn't really care, as long as I got it. Moses then starts into a long list of their sins and rebellions and all the times he's had to go up into the mountain to appease god and how he didn't even have time to eat or drink for 40-day stretches because he was so busy negotiating for their sorry hides.
Chapter 10
Moses reminds them of how he got the Ten Commandments on stone tablets which he then locked into the Ark of the Covenant before anyone could read them, and how Aaron died. Then he reminds them to Circumcise, therefore, the foreskin of your heart (v. 16), which according to Jerry means an uncircumcised heart is one that is closed and impervious to god. You can also have uncircumcised ears and lips.
Finally, the chapter closes with an exhortation to be kind to strangers, especially the orphans and widows. Well, except for the ones he has commanded them to kill, like the Midianites, where, if you will recall, god specifically tells them to kill the non-virgin women (widows) and male children.
God tells the Israelites that he has been leading them around the desert for the past 40 years as a test of faith and to get them to trust him. Here's a way to get people to trust you: promise them a country, then give it to them. Here's a way to get people to obey you out of fear: send plagues, snakes, earthquakes and fire when they don't obey you. Which one is more familiar?
Apparently, god also didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out in those 40 years. This is followed by yet another promise that Canaan will be bountiful and they'll be rich if they follow his commands. If they don't: death!
Chapter 9
The first people to be defeated will be the giant Anakims. The Israelites are then informed that they are not getting Canaan because they're virtuous, but rather because the Canaanites are so bad. I wouldn't really care, as long as I got it. Moses then starts into a long list of their sins and rebellions and all the times he's had to go up into the mountain to appease god and how he didn't even have time to eat or drink for 40-day stretches because he was so busy negotiating for their sorry hides.
Chapter 10
Moses reminds them of how he got the Ten Commandments on stone tablets which he then locked into the Ark of the Covenant before anyone could read them, and how Aaron died. Then he reminds them to Circumcise, therefore, the foreskin of your heart (v. 16), which according to Jerry means an uncircumcised heart is one that is closed and impervious to god. You can also have uncircumcised ears and lips.
Finally, the chapter closes with an exhortation to be kind to strangers, especially the orphans and widows. Well, except for the ones he has commanded them to kill, like the Midianites, where, if you will recall, god specifically tells them to kill the non-virgin women (widows) and male children.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 5-7
Chapter 5
Moses is still talking. Now he's reminding them about the time he went up the mountain and talked to 'god' and reminds them what the commandments were. Even though the third commandment Thou shalt not make thee any graven image or any likeness of any thing that is in the heaven above or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the waters beneath the earth (v. 8), Jerry still insists that this only means deities, and is in no way meant to stifle artistic creativity.
Chapter 6
More reminders, namely, teach your children about god, and don't worship any other gods. On the first, Jerry instructs us that we are to teach god's principles every day in our homes. Which ones? Certainly not the ones about not eating shellfish or tying ribbons to your clothes or sacrificing an animal every time you give birth, or paying 5 shekels for your firstborn son, or not sleeping with your wife when she has her period. No, he means the ones he likes. And on the second principle, this is what he has to say: "By definition, there can be only on all-powerful, infinite, limitless god. To speak of more than one supreme absolute, perfect and almighty being is to say something contradictory. There canot be two absolutes, for then there would be no absolute." See? He hasn't even read this chapter. Of course the Israelites were worshipping other gods! If they weren't, there would be no point in telling them not to! Also, according to Jerry, this god created the entire universe, including any other gods people might be worshipping. So he's either dumb or not very powerful.
Chapter 7
God promises to cast out the seven nations that currently occupy Canaan. Of course, this will never happen. He instructs them to slaughter them completely, and not to make treaties or show mercy or intermarry with their offspring. Then they have to destroy their property. Jerry does not say if these are the kinds of values we should be teaching to our children. And of course Moses has two foreign wives.
In return for worshipping god, the Israelites are promised that they will never be infertile, nor will their cows, and they will never get sick, but those afflictions will be laid on their enemies instead. Of course, this doesn't come with fertility clinics or vaccines or anything, but it does give the convenient reasoning that if you're sick, it's because you did something to piss god off.
There are some more threats and promises, including that god will send hornets out against their enemies. It's all very turgid.
Moses is still talking. Now he's reminding them about the time he went up the mountain and talked to 'god' and reminds them what the commandments were. Even though the third commandment Thou shalt not make thee any graven image or any likeness of any thing that is in the heaven above or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the waters beneath the earth (v. 8), Jerry still insists that this only means deities, and is in no way meant to stifle artistic creativity.
Chapter 6
More reminders, namely, teach your children about god, and don't worship any other gods. On the first, Jerry instructs us that we are to teach god's principles every day in our homes. Which ones? Certainly not the ones about not eating shellfish or tying ribbons to your clothes or sacrificing an animal every time you give birth, or paying 5 shekels for your firstborn son, or not sleeping with your wife when she has her period. No, he means the ones he likes. And on the second principle, this is what he has to say: "By definition, there can be only on all-powerful, infinite, limitless god. To speak of more than one supreme absolute, perfect and almighty being is to say something contradictory. There canot be two absolutes, for then there would be no absolute." See? He hasn't even read this chapter. Of course the Israelites were worshipping other gods! If they weren't, there would be no point in telling them not to! Also, according to Jerry, this god created the entire universe, including any other gods people might be worshipping. So he's either dumb or not very powerful.
Chapter 7
God promises to cast out the seven nations that currently occupy Canaan. Of course, this will never happen. He instructs them to slaughter them completely, and not to make treaties or show mercy or intermarry with their offspring. Then they have to destroy their property. Jerry does not say if these are the kinds of values we should be teaching to our children. And of course Moses has two foreign wives.
In return for worshipping god, the Israelites are promised that they will never be infertile, nor will their cows, and they will never get sick, but those afflictions will be laid on their enemies instead. Of course, this doesn't come with fertility clinics or vaccines or anything, but it does give the convenient reasoning that if you're sick, it's because you did something to piss god off.
There are some more threats and promises, including that god will send hornets out against their enemies. It's all very turgid.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Deuteronomy, Chapters 1-3
Chapter 1
Moses recounts the Israelites' 40-year journey again. He promises that god will multiply them a thousandfold in Canaan. That certainly didn't happen. He reminds them how he set up the government, and how he was going to lead them into the promised land, but they wouldn't go, how they were faithless except for Caleb, and how they lost the right for one generation. He blames them for the fact that he won't make it: Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying Thou also shalt not go in tither (v. 37). No, Moses, it's your own damned fault. Yes, your god was being petty and spiteful, but if you're going to believe in him and accept his commandments and punishments, you're the one who got it wrong. Finally, he reminds them of their failed invasion of the Amorites.
Moses really sounds like a bitter old man, here, blaming everybody else for what has gone wrong in his life.
Chapter 2
Moses continues to wax on, and I can just picture the Israelites wishing watches had been invented, so they could make a big show out of looking at them impatiently.
He reminds them of passing through Edomite territory, the descendants of Esau, whom god instructed them to leave alone. Then they passed through the territory of the Moabites, the descendants of Lot's daughters' drunken father-raping. Same with the Ammonites, who are the other tribe that descended from those nights. Then he reminds them of the Amorites, whose hearts god hardened, so they massacred them when they refused to grant them safe passage. Same with the people of Shihon, whom they also massacred.
Chapter 3
More nostalgia: how they defeated Og the king of Bashan and his people and took over their cities. Apparently Og was the last of the giants, with a 13-foot bed. The left the tribes of Reuben and Manasseh there. He reminds them that the lord promised Joshua he would kill for him, too. He reminds them again that he won't get to the promised land because of them, and urges them to take it.
Moses recounts the Israelites' 40-year journey again. He promises that god will multiply them a thousandfold in Canaan. That certainly didn't happen. He reminds them how he set up the government, and how he was going to lead them into the promised land, but they wouldn't go, how they were faithless except for Caleb, and how they lost the right for one generation. He blames them for the fact that he won't make it: Also the LORD was angry with me for your sakes, saying Thou also shalt not go in tither (v. 37). No, Moses, it's your own damned fault. Yes, your god was being petty and spiteful, but if you're going to believe in him and accept his commandments and punishments, you're the one who got it wrong. Finally, he reminds them of their failed invasion of the Amorites.
Moses really sounds like a bitter old man, here, blaming everybody else for what has gone wrong in his life.
Chapter 2
Moses continues to wax on, and I can just picture the Israelites wishing watches had been invented, so they could make a big show out of looking at them impatiently.
He reminds them of passing through Edomite territory, the descendants of Esau, whom god instructed them to leave alone. Then they passed through the territory of the Moabites, the descendants of Lot's daughters' drunken father-raping. Same with the Ammonites, who are the other tribe that descended from those nights. Then he reminds them of the Amorites, whose hearts god hardened, so they massacred them when they refused to grant them safe passage. Same with the people of Shihon, whom they also massacred.
Chapter 3
More nostalgia: how they defeated Og the king of Bashan and his people and took over their cities. Apparently Og was the last of the giants, with a 13-foot bed. The left the tribes of Reuben and Manasseh there. He reminds them that the lord promised Joshua he would kill for him, too. He reminds them again that he won't get to the promised land because of them, and urges them to take it.
Deuteronomy, Chapter 4
Moses is still talking, but he has at least changed topics. Now he's on to why the Israelites should obey god. As if snakes, earthquakes or plagues aren't enough.
First, he tells them that whatever is in this hot mess of a book has to stay in it. No editing! Hence we're stuck with chapters like the first 3 for all time. Of course Jerry Falwell does not point to anything in the New Testament that negates this verse.
Next, he reminds them of how god destroyed the people who changed their loyalties to Baal-peor.
He reminds them of the laws laid down, how they're the sign of a wise and just god (?) and must be kept for all time. Nope, nothing from Jerry as to why this isn't so.
He reminds them of the commandments, especially not to make graven images, and Jerry fails to explain why photo albums and sculpture are now allowed. Anyone who does so will cause the entire nation to be wiped out. Jerry is mum. And says again that it's their fault he isn't going to the holy land.
He makes a final case for monotheism, then designates the 'cities for refuge' discussed earlier.
It's even more rambling and incoherent than his speeches in the first 3 chapters.
First, he tells them that whatever is in this hot mess of a book has to stay in it. No editing! Hence we're stuck with chapters like the first 3 for all time. Of course Jerry Falwell does not point to anything in the New Testament that negates this verse.
Next, he reminds them of how god destroyed the people who changed their loyalties to Baal-peor.
He reminds them of the laws laid down, how they're the sign of a wise and just god (?) and must be kept for all time. Nope, nothing from Jerry as to why this isn't so.
He reminds them of the commandments, especially not to make graven images, and Jerry fails to explain why photo albums and sculpture are now allowed. Anyone who does so will cause the entire nation to be wiped out. Jerry is mum. And says again that it's their fault he isn't going to the holy land.
He makes a final case for monotheism, then designates the 'cities for refuge' discussed earlier.
It's even more rambling and incoherent than his speeches in the first 3 chapters.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Numbers, Chapters 34-36
Chapter 34
God lays out the borders of the Israelites' future territory and tells them to divide it up by lots. This is still causing controversy today, as the West Bank and Gaza are not accounted for.
Chapter 35
The Levites get the cities and suburbs. Six of them are to be cities for refuge (v. 6) for people who have committed manslaughter. Hey, they had their own version of Australia! The other tribes are instructed to give their tithes to the cities. So the way the refuge thing works is, if you kill someone by accident, his or her closest male relative then becomes the avenger (v. 9) and has to try and kill you. If you can get to the city for refuge before he catchs you, you're home free. Otherwise, you lose. Murderers cannot appeal to the cities for refuge.
The congregation tries manslaughterers, and if they are found to be murderers, they go to the avenger. Otherwise, they can stay in the city. When the high priest dies, they are absolved. Of course Jerry sees this as a sign of Jesus. If the manslaughterer leaves the city, he becomes fair game.
At least two witnesses are needed to substantiate a charge of murder.
The New Yorker wrote about a similar system of tribal justice in Papua New Guinea in 2008. It sounded every bit as gruesome as this, with vengeance killings going on several generations later. I'd link to the article, but it only the abstract is available. Just remember that this is the kind of bible-based 'family values' that Jerry Falwell would have loved to have seen implemented.
Chapter 36
Some of the tribal leaders come to Moses and point out that if daughters are allowed to inherit their fathers' land, then get married, that land will pass out of the tribe and into another. So god then says that women who inherit property have to marry within their own tribe from now on. Of course this doesn't bother Jerry, because he can't imagine a woman from his church marrying anyone else anyway. It has, however, posed a problem for the children of Fred Phelps.
God lays out the borders of the Israelites' future territory and tells them to divide it up by lots. This is still causing controversy today, as the West Bank and Gaza are not accounted for.
Chapter 35
The Levites get the cities and suburbs. Six of them are to be cities for refuge (v. 6) for people who have committed manslaughter. Hey, they had their own version of Australia! The other tribes are instructed to give their tithes to the cities. So the way the refuge thing works is, if you kill someone by accident, his or her closest male relative then becomes the avenger (v. 9) and has to try and kill you. If you can get to the city for refuge before he catchs you, you're home free. Otherwise, you lose. Murderers cannot appeal to the cities for refuge.
The congregation tries manslaughterers, and if they are found to be murderers, they go to the avenger. Otherwise, they can stay in the city. When the high priest dies, they are absolved. Of course Jerry sees this as a sign of Jesus. If the manslaughterer leaves the city, he becomes fair game.
At least two witnesses are needed to substantiate a charge of murder.
The New Yorker wrote about a similar system of tribal justice in Papua New Guinea in 2008. It sounded every bit as gruesome as this, with vengeance killings going on several generations later. I'd link to the article, but it only the abstract is available. Just remember that this is the kind of bible-based 'family values' that Jerry Falwell would have loved to have seen implemented.
Chapter 36
Some of the tribal leaders come to Moses and point out that if daughters are allowed to inherit their fathers' land, then get married, that land will pass out of the tribe and into another. So god then says that women who inherit property have to marry within their own tribe from now on. Of course this doesn't bother Jerry, because he can't imagine a woman from his church marrying anyone else anyway. It has, however, posed a problem for the children of Fred Phelps.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Numbers, Chapters 32 & 33
Chapter 32
Two of the tribes, Reuben and Gad, see the land of Gilead, and decide it would be a good place for them, because their herders and it looks like fine grazing land, rather than going on to Canaan. Moses asks why their brethren should go to war and not them (because they don't want to?) and accuses them of causing the others to lose heart, just like their fathers did. He reminds them how god cursed them for that, and how no one who was over 20 at the time is going to see the holy land because they've been wandering in the desert for 40 years. He says god will do it again if they leave.
They propose to build houses and sheep pens where they are, fight the battle, and come back. Moses agrees to those terms. The sons of Reuben and Gad set about building their cities and fields.
Chapter 33
This chapter consists of a list of all the places the Israelites have camped over the past 40 years. It's about as interesting as looking at other people's vacation photos: 'Oh look! Here's Elim! Remember, dear, how there were 12 fountains there and 70 palm trees! That was a good camp! Oh, no! Rephidim! That one was awful! No water! No dear, the worst was Edom. Remember how Aaron died there? Oh, yes, dear, you're absolutely right. That was terrible.'
After 50 verses, Moses comes back with some new instructions: conquer the Canaanites, destroy their property, drive them out. Failure to do so will result in prickly eyes and thorns in their sides, in addition to whatever he was planning for the Canaanites.
Two of the tribes, Reuben and Gad, see the land of Gilead, and decide it would be a good place for them, because their herders and it looks like fine grazing land, rather than going on to Canaan. Moses asks why their brethren should go to war and not them (because they don't want to?) and accuses them of causing the others to lose heart, just like their fathers did. He reminds them how god cursed them for that, and how no one who was over 20 at the time is going to see the holy land because they've been wandering in the desert for 40 years. He says god will do it again if they leave.
They propose to build houses and sheep pens where they are, fight the battle, and come back. Moses agrees to those terms. The sons of Reuben and Gad set about building their cities and fields.
Chapter 33
This chapter consists of a list of all the places the Israelites have camped over the past 40 years. It's about as interesting as looking at other people's vacation photos: 'Oh look! Here's Elim! Remember, dear, how there were 12 fountains there and 70 palm trees! That was a good camp! Oh, no! Rephidim! That one was awful! No water! No dear, the worst was Edom. Remember how Aaron died there? Oh, yes, dear, you're absolutely right. That was terrible.'
After 50 verses, Moses comes back with some new instructions: conquer the Canaanites, destroy their property, drive them out. Failure to do so will result in prickly eyes and thorns in their sides, in addition to whatever he was planning for the Canaanites.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Numbers, Chapter 32
Today in bible bedtime stories guaranteed to give your kids nightmares for years to come: the wholesale slaughter of mothers and children! But don't worry! The virgins are spared so they can become concubines!
So, god is still upset about those Moabite hussies who lured the Israelites into worshipping their false gods with sex. He's done punishing the Israelites, which you will recall involved cutting off their heads and hanging them in the sun. Now he's ready to punish... the Midianites. Wha...? All that happened with the Midianites is one of their women went on a date with an Israelite and got speared by Phineas for it. Never let it be said that god isn't just.
So Moses raises an army of 12 000 and kills all the Midianite men. The Israelites bring back the women and children and livestock as war spoils. But Moses isn't happy with this. He orders them to kill all the non-virgin women and the boys. Go Moses. He also sends them away for a 7-day ritual cleansing and burns everything that wasn't valuable from the spoils.
We then get a listing of the livestock, and note that women are at the bottom of this list: 670 500 sheep, 72 000 cattle, 61 000 asses, 32 000 virgins. The spoils are to be divided between the tribes, with a percentage going to god. There is an implication that some of the women were also sacrificed, but the KJV isn't explicit and of course neither is Jerry, who is too busy telling us how the punishment for adultery was death, and this was spiritual adultery and well-deserved. Wouldn't you love one of his minions as president? I sure would.
Somehow, I don't think this chapter makes it into very many Sunday School classes or Bible Study discussions. Also, if god is so against abortion, how come he's for killing children and non-virgin women, some of whom are presumably pregnant?
So, god is still upset about those Moabite hussies who lured the Israelites into worshipping their false gods with sex. He's done punishing the Israelites, which you will recall involved cutting off their heads and hanging them in the sun. Now he's ready to punish... the Midianites. Wha...? All that happened with the Midianites is one of their women went on a date with an Israelite and got speared by Phineas for it. Never let it be said that god isn't just.
So Moses raises an army of 12 000 and kills all the Midianite men. The Israelites bring back the women and children and livestock as war spoils. But Moses isn't happy with this. He orders them to kill all the non-virgin women and the boys. Go Moses. He also sends them away for a 7-day ritual cleansing and burns everything that wasn't valuable from the spoils.
We then get a listing of the livestock, and note that women are at the bottom of this list: 670 500 sheep, 72 000 cattle, 61 000 asses, 32 000 virgins. The spoils are to be divided between the tribes, with a percentage going to god. There is an implication that some of the women were also sacrificed, but the KJV isn't explicit and of course neither is Jerry, who is too busy telling us how the punishment for adultery was death, and this was spiritual adultery and well-deserved. Wouldn't you love one of his minions as president? I sure would.
Somehow, I don't think this chapter makes it into very many Sunday School classes or Bible Study discussions. Also, if god is so against abortion, how come he's for killing children and non-virgin women, some of whom are presumably pregnant?
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